Living with Unresolved Resentment // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day Q and A time.

Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are doing hump day Q and A. It's Dave and Ashley. We're excited to be here with you. Here is today's question. There's an issue from our past that we've never fully resolved, and it's like a shadow hanging over our marriage. And every time we try to move forward, this unresolved resentment rears its head, leading to arguments and a growing emotional distance. It feels like we're stuck in a cycle of pain and anger that we can't break free from. How can we finally confront this issue, work through the resentment, and find a way to heal and move forward together without carrying this weight? And I feel it. I feel like just in their description, I feel that weight. Like, I feel the, the heaviness of this moment. And they're at a crossroads and really feel like we can't keep going the way we're going.

You know, I. I almost like that they didn't give us the specific issue because I think now, like, everybody can find some of their own story in this story because every couple, I think, can relate on some level to having those little issues, those, those tender spots. Like, yeah, we don't. Whenever we get too close to that, it's. It's a tender spot. And it can be, gosh, countless different things. It can be a time in the past that your spouse broke your trust. It could be, you know, even things that happened before you're married. You know, maybe, maybe your spouse's sexual past.

Oh, yeah.

Is a real sore spot for you. And something that, you know, what was happening even before you came in the picture is an area of unresolved resentment for you. And you don't know what to do with those feelings. Maybe. Maybe after kids came along, you guys went from being this happy, go, lucky couple to being on completely different pages with parenting. And the stress of parenting has caused you to kind of resent each other. You know, like, you're not pitching in, you're not doing. You're pulling your weight, or you're. You're. You don't have my back. It could be little things, big things, but every couple. You can't let these things fester. It's like a splinter that you. You got to get it out, you got to deal with it, or else it's going to get infected and it's going to get more painful, and it's gonna get worse. So when you try to avoid these issues, it tends to get worse. You have to talk about it. You have to share what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, and work through it together.

Yeah. You know, as I'm thinking about this, I think about this beautiful song that was written years ago by a Christian artist named Andrew Peterson. It's called Dancing in the Minefields.

Oh, it's a great marriage song.

It is a great marriage song, and that's what I'm telling you. Go listen to this song and look up the words so, you know, you're really understanding the words, but really, it's really about this. It's about how you find a way that you're. You're not just. You're not just, like, tiptoeing through the minefields. You're dancing in the minefields.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, that's really sailing in the storms, and you're sailing through the storms, and it says, it was harder than we dreamed, but that's what the promise is for.

Yeah.

And I feel like.

Beautiful words.

It is so beautiful. Andrew Peterson, I don't know if you guys know this, but he's also an author, and he has, like, a whole series of books for, like, young adults and stuff. Anyway, great writer and song, you know, singer. But it makes me think of that song because every time I listen to it, it makes me want. I tear up. I really do. I'm tearing up right now. I'm like, such a. I'm such a softy. But it makes me think about this because I do think that that's what we need to do. And I would. I would say this, like, from a counseling standpoint. I talk to people all the time that have issues like this, that there's something where they're like, this is unresolved what in the world do I do with this? Like, we haven't totally put a bow on this. Like, I don't know, you know, like, yes, my spouse is trying. Like, if it was a breach of trust or it was something that maybe it was a lie that was held or whatever it was, I'm not dismissing that at all. But what I always end up asking them is, well, what does your spouse need to do? If you could write down, you know, some things they need to do, words they need to say that you have not heard yet, or things they have, they haven't done yet, or improvements you haven't seen yet, like, write those down. Is there anything you can think of? Sometimes they'll come back to me and they'll say, yes, they haven't done this, this, this, and if they could do this, it would really build my trust in them. It would really help me not be so resentful, and it would really help us to be on that better path. But a lot of times, you guys, after having, you know, multiple sessions with somebody, they'll really come to a point where they're like, no, I really can't think of anything else my spouse can do. And this is what I tell them. I say, well, listen, when it comes to resolving issues in marriage, especially if there's been, like, a wrong, you know, like your spouse wronged you in some way or broke your trust, whatever it is, you know, if they've done everything in their power to make it right, they've sought, you know, first and foremost, they've repented, they sought your forgiveness. And then they've worked, they've done the hard work to regain your trust, and they're walking that narrow road again. Then there's that, you know, they're doing everything they can do, and you're doing everything you can do to give them the space to do that. Then there's this other piece that we forget about, and that is the piece of just trusting that God is doing the rest of the work, right? He's doing the greatest work of bridging that gap. And I think so many times we get lost in the what ifs, we get lost in the, ah. I mean, I think it's good, but what if the next shoe drops? Like, we're just waiting for the wrong thing to happen, you know, because we've been burned and we're like, we're going to get burned again. And like Dave said, it's a tender spot. I mean, imagine like a bruise that's taken a while to Heal. And it looks so gross. Like the healing process. It's like when yellow, weird colors, different.

Things and it all hurts.

It all hurts, right? And just when you thought it was healed, you're like, no, it's still tender, it's not quite there. And I think we have to remember that God is doing the ultimate healing. And this isn't something that is like a platitude. I'm not pushing it away and saying, oh, just trusting God. But I mean, you guys really, it really is digging deep in your faith and realizing, well, if I'm doing everything I can do to give my spouse the chance to regain my trust, or to regain trust if I'm the person who broke it, or to make whatever it is right, maybe it's communicate in a healthier way. Like you've just gotten in this road where communication has gotten unhealthy. Whatever it is, if you're both doing your parts, the rest of it is surrender. The rest of it involves surrender. And that's scary. We don't like it. It's not natural to our human nature at all. It's just not. And I mean it's. We're gonna fight it. I mean, the enemy wants to enter in and say, no, you can't do that, it's not gonna work. But really, when we surrender it and we truly just say, like, God, I give this to you, continue to do the good work you're doing in my marriage, we realize like, not all of this. Like if I'm doing my part, you know, I have to release myself from the part my spouse has to do and, and my spouse needs to release themselves from the part that I have to do and then release the rest of it to God. And so we stop doing this kind of mental gymnastics over the what ifs and over the holding on to whatever happened in the past. Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah, I totally do. And friends, if it sounds like Ashley is brilliant at this stuff, it's because she is. I wanna brag on her for a second.

None of this is easy. None of this is a one size fix all either.

She has a unique gift to help couples and individuals in this area. And part of it's her just God given wiring. Part of it's the personal experience she's had of having to, you know, just navigated these, navigate some of these things and, and then, and then part of it too is that she has specific training in this. She graduated this past year. I'm so proud of her. With a master's degree in biblical counseling. She started her own coaching practice where she is meeting with people virtually from all over the country, all over individuals and couples. And it's making a huge difference. And so, you know, she didn't know I was going to do this, but just I wanted to brag on her for a second. And if you want to connect with her in person or actually virtually in person, well, virtually, then you can. Her website is ashleywillis.net and just click on the the coaching button and I promise it will make a huge difference. She is. She's just so good at this. And if you don't talk to Ashley, talk to somebody.

And there's lots of amazing people out there.

Talk to a counselor. Talk to, you know, our marriage mediators at xo. Amazing. They do an amazing job. That's a program we've gone through ourselves both as like the people going through it and then, and then the training side as well. It's an amazing program. You can go to xomarriagehelp.com that's available in person or virtually as well. And there's help out there that you don't have to always figure this out on your own. I think sometimes when there's this deep seated resentment, you just feel like we're never going to get past this. We're never going to see each other's perspective. This is always going to be the sore spot that we just have to tiptoe around. And when you will sit down with somebody that can help bring it out in the open. Nothing is as scary in the light as it is in the dark. And bringing it to it out in the open in a counseling setting or a mediation setting, it instantly becomes less scary. Instantly. Almost instantly. You can start together putting forward a plan to help you see it from a new perspective and get to the root of it. And so do that. I mean, I'm telling you, you don't have to figure this out on your own. And for many of you listening, I think that's really the next step you need. It's not that you're going to get this kind of like magic instant fix.

It's always a process.

It's always a process. But the thing that you need is just that nudge to go and talk to somebody, talk to a counselor, talk to a mediator. It really can help make the difference.

And I'm glad you said talk because that's the thing is keep talking because what I don't want to see happen and what I know is kind of the where you don't want to go in your marriage is that you get to the point of not talking anymore because you're like, what's the point? You don't want to get to a point of apathy because when you stop communicating, you're avoiding the problem. And avoidance doesn't solve anything. You hear us say this on here all the time. And so you do have to talk about it. And it can be little by little. Like Dave said, it's not going to be solved overnight. But I think that. Just know that. Recognize, like, I don't like the way I'm feeling. You know, we've definitely had times in our marriage for just various reasons over the years where we dealt with resentment. You know, one in particular that I can think of is, like, when we could not, you know, for a season get on the same page with parenting our kids. And it was like we both wanted the same thing, but we had very different ways of getting there. And I remember we really had to recognize what we were both feeling. And Dave was the first to come to me, and I'm so glad he did, because I don't think I had the courage to just come out with it at the time, but he recognized that. He could tell I was so frustrated and really bordering maybe, if not already on resentment. And you really addressed it with me in a very kind way. And you were like, sweetie, I can tell I am letting you down, but I don't even know how I'm letting you down. Like, I can tell I'm missing the mark, but I don't even know how. And so he didn't come at me, like, blaming me. Like, why are you so mad at me? I mean, I'm tired, too. I'm working, too. These are my kids, too. What's your problem? You know, he didn't come at me like that. You used those I statements. I can tell you're frustrated. I can tell I'm letting you down. And because you said that, it disarmed me. I mean, we say that all the time. It's just a. I know you guys are, like, probably rolling your eyes, like, oh, the I statements. But you guys, they work. They work. And if you haven't tried them, try them. Because when you come at your spouse just talking about how you feel about it, you feel how you feel. It's not an accusation. You're just saying your perception, your experience. And it was so. It made me really kind of, I don't know, recognize my own feelings, but also realize, oh, yeah, I am kind of Getting really frustrated about this and maybe even resentful. And I don't want that. Like, I don't want to feel that way towards you and what can we do to get out of this? And we ultimately got mentors, we talked to people because again, we need community. And we were able to navigate that season. Again, it wasn't one day and everything's better. It took time, it took practice, but over time it did get better.

Over time, you get better. And that's how most things in life work. Like, if you want to get in shape, get a trainer, go to a class. Yeah, it's not going to happen all at once. No, we don't get out of shape all at once. We don't get in shape all at once. But one day at a time, one choice at a time, we can start getting healthier. We can start looking at our habits and our patterns and saying, all right, well, instead of grabbing that gallon of ice cream right before bed, I'm going to put that aside and not eat anything or maybe just munch on something healthier. I'm going to make those little changes. I'm going to get up and go for a walk. I'm going to. I'm going to replace some unhealthy habits with some healthier ones. And over time, that's going to pay off. After day one of doing it, I'm going to look in the mirror and probably look the exact same and be tired and frustrated and thinking, this isn't working at all. But of course, we know that with physical change, we're like, no, you're going to look the same at first, but over time, the change is going to be so significant. And it's the same in relationships. You've got to be willing to do the work. You know, on day one, you're going to go through some awkward conversations, perhaps, and do some things differently. And you might think at the end of the day, it's not working. I look in the mirror, everything looks the same. But if you will continue doing it, I promise that consistency will pay off. Consistency is the most powerful force out there. And if you will just be consistent, doing the right thing, promoting healing, speaking kind words to your spouse, praying, like, just doing those things that you know to be healthy and trying to stop doing those things that aren't, I promise, over time, you're going to see a huge difference.

You will. And what's really interesting about this, because consistency is a catalyst to change, but the change is probably first going to start within you. It's going to start within your perspective. It's going to start. And when your perspective changes, the way you treat your spouse changes. Because it all starts in our thoughts, lead to our behaviors, lead to our responses. And so it's just important to shift your thinking. And you know, I think so many times we can find ourselves thinking in the always and never category. Like just always going to be resentful. We're never going to get to that next level. We're never going to change. And so I would just, if you start thinking that way, stop and say, God help me not be resentful. I'm not going to be resentful. You know, God has a purpose and a plan for this marriage. And it is good, like really claiming those truths that God has for you because I mean, it's, it's a battlefield. The mind is a battlefield. You know, Joyce Meyer was right all those years ago. But I think again, just little by little, one change leads to another change. And over time, you will see improvements.

So good. And friends, if you want to connect with us, share a question, share some insights, you can find us on Instagram avandashleywillis. We love hearing from you there. We'd also love to meet you at one of our upcoming live events with XO. Go to xomarriage.com you can find all kinds of great content while you're there. But click on the button that says conferences and you will see the full lineup of events coming. And we would love, love to see you. Thanks so much for tuning in. We'll see you next time.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.