Loving Your Spouse When It's Hard to Like Them

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Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And I love the season that we're in right now. Over the next several months, we're taking apart our very favorite marriage advice, marriage advice that we've kind of gathered from wise mentors through the years and things that have helped us the most in our own marriage. And we're dedicating one piece of marriage advice per episode and just really unpacking it. And we've got a great one today. And so thank you guys so much for tuning in. Wherever you're listening or even if you're watching this on YouTube, whether you're seeing us or just hearing us, we're glad that you're part of this and so honored that you're part of this online community. And thanks for those who are leaving reviews. They really encourage us. In fact, my beautiful bride is going to read one of the recent reviews.

That's right. It's from Lexi Loops, and it's entitled A Solid Podcast. She gave us five stars. Thank you, Lexi. And she said, I really appreciate this podcast. The discussions are too good. And I appreciate the fact that they talk about the realities of marriage without making it sound like drudgery, which I love that word. Drudgery.

Drudgery.

Such a cool word. I love it.

Drudgery.

You know, I love that. And we, you know, marriage is awesome. Marriage is awesome. It can be very hard, but marriage is awesome. And so I love that she pointed that out. I hope every episode, you know, we do talk about the realities, but that we also show how awesome marriage is. So thank you, Lexi, for leaving that.

And.

And if you would like to leave a review, please do so. It is the very best way that you can actually spread kind of the news of the podcast to your married friends. So we really appreciate it.

Yeah. Thank you guys so much. And we've got a fun topic today, so let's dive in. So I love the piece of marriage advice we're focusing on in today's episode, and that is love your spouse, even on the days when it's hard to like your spouse. And early on in marriage, like when you've got kind of those, those puppy dog eyes for each other and you're exchanging your vows, I think there's this mindset that, like, we're just gonna feel nothing but gushy, lovey, romantic feelings. And that's all we're ever going to feel for each other. We're never gonna be frustrated with each other. We're never gonna disagree. We're never going to annoy each other. But the truth is, in marriage, there are gonna be moments that you do not for me. I've never, ever been, ever annoyed by you in any way. But I know that I've been annoying to you. Oh my gosh, you still love me through it. And what we found from like our mentor couples, older, wiser couples, is that they get this. That love is like this unshakable commitment that is the bedrock of the marriage. But there are some days where you're just kind of getting under each other's skin. And on those days, it's even more important to show each other love and commitment. Your spouse needs love the most on the days when they deserve it least, you know? Right. You don't just love those who are being lovable. You love each other. Cause you're in covenant with one another. So how do you do that, though? That's the hard question. How do you show love to each other when it's hard to even like each other?

Some days I think the most important thing we can do is realize that we cannot allow our feelings to be our compass because they're going to be all over the place. Like, when I think about being a little bit hard to love.

Hmm.

I think the thing that comes to mind the most in this moment is just thinking about right after having babies, like being exhausted. And I nursed all our kids, so I had that going on and oh man, that was hard. And then they spit up on me and I was really grumpy. I don't do well without sleep. And I also am an introvert and I don't do well if I don't have some time of solitude. And when you have a newborn that's not there, I mean, it's just not possible. And Dave's a very hands on dad, so it's not because he wasn't helping, but I just remember being really disgruntled. Even though I had all the gushy, you know, baby feelings and all that. It was very sweet. I love babies, but I just remember Being a little bit hard to love like I. You or hard to like, I guess.

You were amazing.

You loved me through it. And you would always. You wouldn't let feelings. You wouldn't let my disgruntledness make you treat me differently. Now, I'm not giving anybody license to be, like, rude here. I'm not saying I was rude to you or anything, but just being kind of scratchy, you know? You know, right.

You've got to give each other a lot of grace, especially if you've had children, if you had young babies in the house, you know what that's like. If there's exhaustion, you're just squeezed every possible way. And no matter how you divide it up, especially if there's breastfeeding going on, there's just certain things the dad can't do. I mean, I tried to breastfeed. I think it was frustrating for both the baby and me. It just. Nothing happened.

Not true.

Not true. But like, you were the one that was having to get up on that schedule, and I would bottle feed some, you know, to try to, you know, just to supplement and to help when I could. But a lot of those late nights, you know, you were. You were having to face it. And you do need. You're best when you have, like, a very specific, you know, sleep schedule. I think most people are. Yeah, most human beings are. And there was only so much that I could do. And so I saw that, like, not at all as like, oh, I've got to love my unlovable wife. I felt bad for how most of it was falling on you, and I was just trying to find ways to lighten your load. And I think that in marriage, if our first instinct isn't, oh, my gosh, they're so annoying right now, but our first instinct is, this is the person I love more than anyone on earth. They're my partner. They're my best friend. They're my spouse. How can I lighten their load? They're clearly not at their best right now. What in my power can I do to help them be at their best? Not just so that my life's easier, but so that their life is easier.

Right. Because you care.

Because I care. Yeah. Because if your mindset is how can we serve each other instead of how can we just put up with each other, then just that mindset alone will give you a head start.

Absolutely. And you did. You loved me so well through that, because I even. You know, a lot of times when we're in a hard season, even if it's beautiful. I mean, having children and it's just a beautiful thing, but it comes with some stress and it comes with adjustment. And when you add additional children, you've got other toddlers at home. It's a lot. And so it can make you a little scratchy and just loving each other through both, you know? Cause I'm sure there were times where you were stressed too, and I would try to love you through that, but, you know, we've just got. There's an ebb and flow to it because we all go through seasons of stress and we handle it differently. But again, this doesn't give anybody license to be rude or. Or to be dismissive. It just means that you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. I mean, I think that's the biggest thing you can do is you can go to them, address the behavior, especially if it's a continued behavior, maybe where it comes off disrespectful, and say, listen, I am so sorry that things are so hard right now. And you probably don't even realize you're doing this, but I feel like you're kind of mad at me. Like, are you mad at me? Did I do something? When you come from that stance, it's disarming. But when you come at somebody who's stressed and who's tired and who's frustrated and just kind of going through a hard season and you're accusing them, and you're just like, you do this and you, you know, I've got it hard too, and why can't you just suck it up, like those kind of things? It's just. You might as well just, like, light a fire. I mean, you're really just pouring gasoline on the fire, so to speak. You know, we use that terminology a lot. We need to be like the water that puts out that fire that says, I wanna help you. I see the best in you. I know this is just a hard season and I'm gonna love you through it, you know? And I think that a lot of times where this is super hard is when the spouse is doing something that's wrong and you're having to. You don't like what they're doing, like an addiction or a certain behavior, and you don't like what they're doing and you're still trying to love them through it. That's a really hard place to be.

Yes. And that's really a whole different animal. I mean, that opens it up to a whole different realm of possibility. So I think in much of the marital frustration, the Advice you gave is just 100% spot on. Like, just instead of saying, well, you know, I've got it hard too, or, you know, you're being a baby instead of any of that or keeping score, just saying, you know, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you're. You're having such a hard time. What can I do to lighten your load? Have I done something to anger you? Like Ashley said, just those kind of comments are so disarming and will help bring your spouse kind of back to that perspective where they can communicate in a healthy way. But when, like Ashley said, it's rooted in something that's just unhealthy. And then it becomes this point of, like, at what point do I go from being an encourager to being like someone who's gonna stage an intervention, basically?

Cause you don't wanna be an enabler.

I don't wanna be an enabler either. How do I encourage without enabling? And that's a really. That's a fine line, especially with something like addiction. And if it is addiction related, not to turn this episode into an addiction episode, we have a recent episode where we interviewed our friends Eric and Kristen Kennedy. He talked a lot about his journey with drug and alcohol addiction and coming through that and shared some very wise insights on how to, you know, how to come through that, how to support a spouse through that without being an enabler. I'd encourage you to listen to that. And then counseling can be incredibly, incredibly helpful. As well as the addiction recovery groups, you know, like Aana, Al Anon, for those who are the spouse, family members of those who are addicted, finding those communities of support. Yeah, Celebrate Recovery is a great program. So there are so many, so many resources out there that are specific to the addiction, the substance abuse addiction in particular. But maybe the unhealthy behavior isn't in a substance abuse. I mean, it could be. Gosh, it could be anything.

It could be gaming. I mean, we get a lot of emails from people who really feel like their spouse's gaming hobby has become more important than their marriage, you know, and it could be anything even beyond gaming. It could be golf. I mean, you know, whatever it is. But like, we're something like the video games in particular. Yes, like video games.

Not gambling per se, but playing video games. And it's usually a wife writing in and saying.

It's usually a wife.

I will say my husband. My husband is on video games all the time. And I think it's the lamest thing ever. And it's Killing our marriage.

He's ignoring us. That's what I hear. I mean, I actually just got a message the other day that I haven't even had a chance to answer yet. And it was like this wife who said, listen, I don't want to. I don't want him to not enjoy himself. Like, gaming in and of itself is not bad. You know, my boys love to game. Like, they all four really enjoy Roblox. You know, they love it.

Like Minecraft or.

It's a way they connect.

Well, yeah, and they connect to other people. Like some of their friends out of state. It's really become a way for them to engage with other guys, you know, I think for boys.

Other kids.

Other kids, yeah, for boys. And then, you know, for men, too. I feel like, you know, the video game world isn't just an escape. I think for some of them, it's also a social connection because of how it's integrated now. So that's part of it. But anything out of balance can be really, really detrimental to a marriage.

Absolutely.

And whether it's video games or any hobby.

Any hobby.

And we've had whole episodes on hobbies and how it can quickly get out of balance and how you have to find balance for those hobbies. Having a hobby can be a good escape. It can be a good thing. But when out of balance, it can be a bad thing. But for this particular topic, we're really saying, for whatever it is that's making you not at your best. And then how do you love your spouse through it? Whether it's them being grumpy or when they're doing something you just disagree with. I mean, it could be a moral disagreement, like you're just doing something that I just. I feel like it's wrong. Or it might not be a moral issue. It might just be an attitude issue. But what does that look like? Where is that line between loving and accepting them exactly as they are, but yet pushing them to become the best version of themselves and not just sitting by idly and saying, well, yeah, you can be mean to me for the rest of our marriage, and that's fine. I'm just gonna love you through it. Because that's not. The Bible has so much to say about, you know, about loving people who are unlovable, even, you know, even going so far as turning the other cheek in Jesus words. But you'll also see in the example of Jesus himself. He was never anybody's doormat. Right. Like, he never let anybody else dictate the agenda where he was Just so easygoing that he would just go along with whatever anybody wanted him to do. Because all through the Gospels, there were people that were trying to get Jesus to do all these different things. And while he was the kindest and most loving person in the history of the world, Jesus all the time was standing up and saying, no, I'm not going to do that. No, I'm going over here. This is where I'm called to be. And I know you think you need me over here right now, but that's not what my mission is at this moment. I'm going over here. And when he would see injustice, how a righteous anger even would stir up in him, I think that somehow we've got this kind of false mindset in Christianity that we're never allowed to be angry. And that anger itself is like a sin or a wrong. That's not a Christian idea. That's actually a Buddhist idea if you want to get very specific about it. Christianity teaches the common sense that anger is a natural human emotion that you're going to experience. The Bible says in your anger, do not sin. You're going to experience anger. You have to be very careful with your anger. The Bible teaches, because in our anger, we're much more likely to sin. But there are times where anger. Anger is the appropriate response. Now, it's never the appropriate attitude and mindset where you're just walking around angry. But when we see human trafficking and when we see children being exploited and we see some of these racism and these injustices happening in the world, I think a righteous anger is part of the natural thing that we need to feel and we need to respond in a healthy way. In that when it comes back to your marriage, it gets a bit more delicate and nuanced, perhaps because we never want anger to be what's driving anything we do in marriage. But at some point, too, if your spouse's attitude and actions are just consistently unhealthy and broken and they're just not taking any accountability for that, there is a place and a time where there is no other natural response than to have a healthy amount of. Of this righteous anger that says, no, I refuse to let us live this way. God's called us to so much more. And we're not gonna just. I'm not gonna just bury my head in the sand, and we're not just gonna waste our lives because, you know, you're refusing to see this. We. We have gotta take action. We've gotta take action. We're gonna get into counseling or we're gonna have an action plan, and we're gonna move forward. And loving you does not mean sitting idly by and letting you sabotage your life or our home. Loving you, in this instance, sometimes might mean taking a bold step and saying, I insist that we take an action.

Here and that we get help because I care about you. You know, a term I often use with our boys is, you're better than this. Like, when something's wrong. Because I always. I remember. I don't know if I read a parenting book or a counselor told me this. I can't remember where I heard it, but it said, you know, never put labels on your kids. Like, these negative labels. Like, you know, you're this or you're that. You know, it's okay to call out the behavior, but you need to encourage them and really call out those good things that God made them to be. In the same way. It's a little different in marriage. Obviously. We talk all about not parenting your spouse. We have whole episodes about that. So just hear me here for a second. You know, it's similar in the sense of how when our spouse is, you know, actively doing something wrong, whether it's an addiction or maybe. I mean, it could be something as simple as their attitude has totally changed, and, like, suddenly they've become really mean to the neighbors or mean to the coworkers, and they're maybe doing things where they're being dishonest. And it's like all of a sudden, they're just not the person you married. And you're like, where is this coming from? You have to go to them and say, listen, I love you, and this is not you. You know, this is not you, and you're better than this. I don't know why you've fallen into this bad behavior, but this is not who you are. And God wants better for you and for us. And, you know, what you do as my spouse is a reflection on me, and it's a reflection on our entire family. And I don't want you to hurt yourself, but I know you also don't wanna hurt us. And you gotta call out those things and not talk to them again as if you're better. You're, you know, this. This parent figure, but you're leveling with them as the loving spouse that you are and saying, like, I love you too much to let you keep on hurting yourself like this or hurting our family like this.

Yeah, absolutely.

You know, it could be something like spending, like, maybe they just keep on overspending or they're hiding things, you know, we've got to call out those behaviors that, that not only hurt our spouse, but hurt our whole family and really can just, you know, if we don't say something, it can get a lot worse before it gets better. And so again, we do have to be willing to do that. And in that sense, love is, you know, love is honest and we have to be honest about the behavior. There's a proverb that says wounds from a friend can be trusted. And I love that because it's basically saying, you know, there's yes, men and women all around you who are gonna tell you what you wanna hear, but a true friend and your best friend, your spouse will tell you the honest truth in love.

Yeah.

And so, you know, we have to be willing to have those hard conversations.

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Plus@Onepalaton.Com Proverbs has so much wisdom on how to have those healthy and important conversations in a way that is led by love, but also speaks the truth. And even when the truth is painful to say and even when it's painful to hear, you have to have the kind of trust in your marriage where you're willing to share those truths and you're willing to hear those truths without just putting up your armor and getting defensive and turning it into a fight. But realizing my spouse is telling me this because they love me.

They love me and they want the.

Best thing for our marriage. And so continue to do those things and allow God to work in your own heart so that you could be at a place of patience with each other. In fact, if you missed it, go back two episodes and listen to our full episode on being patient with each other.

Definitely takes a lot of patience.

Takes a lot of patience. I think really that's the first step to get to this, to loving your spouse in those difficult seasons is it's gonna take patience. And so listen to that and then just allow God to work on your heart and pray for God to do the same in your spouse's heart so that both of you can be in a mindset and in a heart space where the Holy Spirit can lead you to where he wants you to go. And bring the growth he wants to bring in both of you through the difficult seasons and through the easy seasons, because I think all of those are gifts from God. I think difficult seasons bring growth, easier seasons bring rest. And every season, every. Everything we face is a gift from God, if we'll receive it as a gift from God. And so just, you know, pray for that. And you'll be amazed, I think, at what God will do through it. Sweetie, any final words before we jump into the Q and A?

No, I think it's time to jump in. We love the Q and A. And if you want to have us answer a question, whether it's about this particular episode or anything, any subject when it comes to marriage, you can actually submit your question@nakedmarriagepodcast.com and those are the questions that we actually answer here. And like, we always say we only see these when we're recording, like, in live, in time of recording. And so we haven't seen these questions before. We actually answer them. And so here is today's question.

All right, this one says, I just listened to your summer quickie podcast episode about sexual Baggage, episode 93. My husband had a consensual sexual relationship with someone else before we got married. I find myself dealing with fears that my husband still harbors feelings for the girl who broke his heart, among other fears of inadequacy. I'm wondering how to put away these harmful thoughts permanently. Yeah, it's a very, very vulnerable question. Thank you for writing it. And just like that entire podcast episode addressed, I think so many people carry these same kinds of, you know, same kind of wounds of just wondering, like, is my spouse, are they measuring me up against people from their sexual past or. Or am I potentially doing the same toward them? And that kind of sexual baggage can be so hard. And that's part of why God gave us such a clear roadmap for sex, that he intended it exclusively for a man and a woman within the covenant of marriage and never outside that. And we follow his plan for sex. It protects our hearts and it protects our marriages from some of the wounds of the sexual baggage. But we also know we live in a broken world where almost everybody has some form of sexual baggage, whether it's from sexual sins they themselves committed, sexual sins that were inflicted on them through the form of abuse, the inadequacy or fears of knowing that your spouse has a sexual past and how to deal with that, or even the mindsets that we carry into marriage about sex, just mindsets in and of themselves, even if there was no sexual sin involved can create baggage. It can create feelings of inadequacy. Pornography, which is so rampant and was part of what gave me baggage, is part of the story so often because it plants these toxic images in our minds. So, yeah. All that to say for the courageous woman who wrote this question. First off, you're not alone. I think every honest person deals with some level of sexual baggage in some form or another because of their thought life, because of their past, because of a million different reasons. And so in this particular situation, which I do think is a very common form, you know, how do you deal with that? Sweetie, what are some of your thoughts?

You know, I think, first of all, and I don't know their entire story, we only have a little bit of the situation here. But I think that if, you know, I would ask this wife, is there something that your husband has either said or done that has brought this on? And if there is, I would go to him and in the most loving way possible, tell him about it and say, you know, you probably didn't intend to do this, you know, or make me feel this way, but this particular thing you're doing or this thing that you said makes me feel this way. It makes me feel inadequate, and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. And so if that is the case, you know, I would definitely go to him about those issues. And now if that's not the case, and you just feel like it's something that you like, it's something you think about, you know, when maybe you guys are being intimate. And it's like these thoughts that you're fighting. That's a case where you gotta ask the Lord to renew your mind. Because our thought life, we talk about this all the time. That, you know, sex, it really starts in our minds. It starts with what we think about ourselves, our spouse, about sex in general, the conversations we're having with our spouse, and then it eventually leads to the bedroom. And so if we have this mental block of constantly feeling like we're not good enough or is our husband, you know, comparing us to this other person, then it kind of, you know, it keeps this wife from enjoying sex and from really experiencing that connection. And so that's a thing where it talks about in the word where we need to ask the Lord to renew our mind. And that takes prayer. And so I would say that, you know, pray about your sex life and really go to God with it. He already knows, but go to him and say, listen, Lord, help me. Help me to overcome These thoughts of insecurity, these thoughts of inadequacy. Because I want to have an amazing, you know, marriage with my husband. And I want sex to not be this thing that I dread, but this thing that I really enjoy. And if your husband is doing something that makes you feel this way, pray about that as well. But also, you know, go ahead and address that. Don't act like it's, you know, don't think it's just gonna get better on its own, because odds are he doesn't even realize he's doing it. And I'm sure that. That once you tell him that he's doing something that is making you feel that way, I'm sure he would be very concerned and he'd want to do whatever he could to reassure you that he loves you and he adores you.

Man, that's. That's great advice. I don't think I can add anything to. To. To. To what was just said. And so just to apply that for anyone that is that experiencing some of the feelings that this. This wife is feeling. Guys, we'd love to keep the conversation going with you so you can. You can find us Ave and Ashley Willis on Instagram. If you just search the word marriage on Facebook, our marriage page will pop up. And then we'll also try to connect you to all of the other resources in the exomarriage universe. The website where you can go and find all that kind of in one stop is xomarriage.com. if you're watching this on YouTube, you can see I'm even wearing my.

It's got this really cool XO swag.

Right now XO sweatshirt. You can find even stuff like this@exomarriage.com and at the live events once those start back up. You know, right now, as this is airing, you know, we're still in a time where live events are sort of a tentative thing. We're all trying to figure out as a world when all that's gonna happen. But we're moving forward, believing that our big annual event every year that happens Valentine's Day weekend live at Gateway Church and simulcast all over the world is going to happen as scheduled. And we would love to see you there or at one of the live simulcast events, just believing that it's happening full force and it's going to be better than ever. And so when registration for that opens, you can even find that@xomarriage.com and we'd love to see you there.

That's right. We will see you guys next time.