My Husband Gets Angry When I Don't Want Sex // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time.

Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. Sweetie, you want to read this one?

Sure. It says, when I reject my husband's advances for sex, he becomes angry. He won't speak to me for days and will sleep in another room for me. This is a major push away response. When we have talked about it in the past, it's my fault, me not doing this or that. He apologizes for reacting the way he does, but then he goes and does it again. I pray for both of us, but I have reached the point of exhaustion with the subject in response. What can I do, man? I feel the frustration here and I really appreciate her honesty in sharing this. And I think a lot of women can relate to this.

Yeah, I think this dynamic is a fairly common dynamic.

Maybe not going in the other room necessarily, right.

Maybe not the response, but the frustration of one spouse that has a much higher drive and feels like, this is my deepest need. You're the only place on earth where I can have this need met. And when you reject, when I sense rejection in this area, it is the most frustrate, most frustrating and intimate type of rejection. And I feel like if you knew how important this was to me, you would want to meet me in this place. But because you're pushing me away, it's like that you don't care about me. And for the other spouse, it's like, like, listen, I know you have needs. I have needs. I'm not wired the same. And for me to say, like, no, I'm not in the mood to do that right now doesn't mean I'm rejecting you as a human being or trying to push you away. It's like, I just, you know, I'm not in the same place right now. I'm wired up completely differently. And so, you know, part of what we do in this new Counterfeit Climax book is actually give a lot of specific conversation guides to kind of help couples talk through this. Like, you know, ask each other these questions to help couples have conversations that are going to lead to Solutions in this area, because here's the deal. The spouse that has the higher drive is not wrong, and the spouse who has the lower drive is not wrong. But what's wrong is to be disrespectful to one another or to disregard each other's needs, or in this case, you know, the husband's response is wrong, you know, to pout like a two year old and to stomp off. But he is also coming from a place where he probably feels desperate and he's like, I want you to see how big a deal this is for me. But what he's actually doing is pushing his wife further away because she's not gonna wanna have sex with someone who's acting like he's 2 years old. And so they're both in this cycle where they're exhausted and frustrated with each other. And instead of trying to focus on who's wrong here, which is never the right approach in these situations, it's just that you're both wired up very differently for you to talk together about, okay, what would it look like? What are some things we can do for our sex life to improve that? This is for this to be a priority for both of us. And we know it's going to look differently because we have different needs and different drives and desires. But what are some things that we could agree to do? And maybe for him it's saying, when you say, no, I'm not going to throw a tantrum. And when I do, I know that what I'm actually doing is pushing you away. And it's going to be harder for you to open up and be in the mindset to make love. And so I'm making the problem worse when I do that. And maybe for the wife it's saying, you know what, Like, I'm going to recognize that this is a deep need for him, you know, as important to him as whatever my very biggest need is. And I want to be so sensitive to him in that, looking to serve him in that way. And also just for the sake of our marriage, making this a priority, but to really talk through it. And it sounds like they are trying to talk about it, but it always leads back to this place.

Yeah. And to me, I think that maybe for him, maybe this is how it was handled, like how conflict was handled in his home growing up. I don't know, I'm not making excuses about that because it doesn't make it right. But it sounds like this is a go to for him. And in his mind, I guarantee you, I don't know for sure, but I would venture to say that he's like, well, you are punishing me. Because he maybe sees it as a punishment for her denying him, even though clearly that's not at all.

It's not. But to him, it's how it feels.

And so he's like, I'm going to.

Punish you, which is the wrong response.

I'm going to withhold affection from you. I'm going to withhold conversation from you. I'm going to make you feel as lonely as I feel in this moment. And, you guys, we can never handle any situation like that in marriage. It's not a tit for tat. I'm going to give you what you gave me or what I perceived that you gave me or didn't give me or whatever. It's not about punishing each other. That's a very childish way of handling it. And I know this wife knows that. And I will say, men, if you are listening to this or watching this anger towards your wife is a huge turnoff. Like the movies want to make this whole makeup sex thing, or, oh, I find your anger attractive. It's not. Okay. It is a huge turnoff. If you want to squash your lady's libido, be mad at her, okay? Because it is just a huge turnoff. And so he probably doesn't realize that. I mean, literally, you're doing the very opposite thing of what you want to happen. And so the best way to your wife's heart is talking to her. I mean, you've done the first step in saying you're sorry, which is great. But we're only as sorry as our action show.

True.

And if you're doing the same thing over and over again, you're not sorry, dude, you gotta change what you're doing. And I'm sorry I just said dude, but this is how I talk to my kids when I'm telling them they're wrong.

Yeah, she's a very cool mom, but.

I mean, you're not. You gotta change something because it's not getting you anywhere. Both of you are frustrated, and so you're gonna have to try something new. This whole episode has been about counseling. I would say this is a time to go to counseling when you've had repeated behavior. And I'm sorry. And then the repeated behavior. I'm not saying your husband, the lady who wrote this. I'm not saying your husband's not trying. I think he really is trying. But you might need a professional to enter in here because there's somewhere he goes in his mind that is going into his actions in this scenario that he's gotta change. He's gotta change his response to this. And maybe you've gotta change some things. Not saying it's all on him, but clearly this behavior has got to stop. It's very childish and degrading to her and disrespectful, too. And so I would talk to a Christian counselor.

The frequency and the sex.

Oh, my gosh, no, not at all. It's breaking down intimacy on so many levels. And so I would encourage you to talk to a counselor about this. I think it would be very helpful. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.