My Husband is Masterbating but Won't Have Sex With Me // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's Hump Day Q and A time.

Hump Day Q and A. Hump Day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. Hey friends, welcome to Hump Day Q and A. It's the best way to spend a Wednesday or whatever day of the week. You happen to be listening to this. We've got a great question today. It comes from a wife who says, my husband masturbates but won't have sex with me. And that's so hurtful. You know, it's, you know that he has sex drive but he would rather release on his own, he would rather fantasize on his own and take care of his need that way than connect with you and experience sex the way God intended for a husband and wife to experience it. It's, it's sad, it's selfish. And first off, to this wife, this is not a reflection of you. I know that you can feel hurt and rejected and take this very personally. And it is a personal wound that your husband is inflicting, but this is a reflection of his sin, not any kind of deficienc in you. And so just know that from the start. But with that being said, let's dive into what could lead to this and what could help lead out of it.

Yeah, you know, we've talked a lot about masturbation and I mean, gosh, you can, we have whole episodes. There's one called masturbation and marriage and kind of biblically, you know, where is that a sin? Is it if you're in marriage, you know, is it a sin? And if you're, you know, there's all kinds of questions around it, but the fact that he will not have intercourse with the wife and he's constantly wanting to masturbate and has that drive, like you said, and is fulfilling his own needs. It just shows me that he has maybe trained himself through maybe having a masturbation problem. He's trained himself to be like what you've referred to as like a selfish lover where he knows, you know, how he's just taking care of it probably quicker than it would take to have intercourse and really counting his wife out. And so that's very selfish. And you know, as a wife, I think what she can do is go to her husband and say, like, listen, I miss you. Like I, I really miss you. I miss time together, but I also miss our intimacy. And I've noticed how, you know, you do have sex drive, but I feel like the fact that you're masturbating instead of ever initiating with me is just very concerning to me. And I think, you know, coming from that standpoint of I miss you, like I want to connect with you and, and just trying to, you know, let him know that she wants to be with him, I feel like that's a good place to start. And then, you know, hopefully he can open up and, and she can even open up too about how she, you know, she can share that. I don't think that the fact that he masturbates all the time is helping their marriage because he is just taking care of his own needs.

Yeah, it's true. It's probably rooted in a pornography addiction. I, I struggled with that early in our marriage. You know, the vicious cycle of pornography and masturbation and just how it rewires your brain to be very self focused and reckless when it comes to sex. And we were, you know, even at the worst of that sin, you know, we were, I was still very interested in having sex with my wife, but, but I was in an unhealthy place and I could see we're going deep down that that road. Had I not gotten freedom from it and stayed in it, it could have led to even darker places and even worse habits. And so I think that's probably kind of the root of it. We have a lot of resources about that. A book that I think could help you both is our book the Counterfeit Climax, because he's living the counterfeit climax. He's believing lies about sex and settling for a counterfeit version of it and really needs to reconnect with you. But I think that book could help both of you to kind of understand and get to the root of the sin issue that he's facing. And Replace that sin with God's positive plan. And so you can get the counterfeit Climax as an audiobook or a regular book@xomarriage.com or Amazon or wherever you get your books. But we have a lot of other resources in addition to that. You got to talk to him about it. You have to, you know, be very real and very frank with, like Ashley said earlier, how it makes you feel, how it makes you feel that he is choosing this counterfeit form of sex as opposed to connecting with you, his wife, and really work through it. And if he refuses to change, then I think that you need to let him know this is an emergency at this point. This is a form of infidelity. You are choosing sexual sin over me, which is a form of infidelity. And we've got to get to the root of this. Or this could be the issue that completely unravels the marriage, and he needs to know that it's that serious. So we're praying for you both a next step that if you want to talk to someone, we have an amazing team of marriage mediators. It's an incredible process where they'll spend one or two days just focused completely on you. You don't have to travel. They can do it through Skype. And we've gone through this process. It's an incredible process. You can go to XO Marriage Help and get all the information there. You don't have to figure this out on your own. There's help available.

That's right. And if you have a question you want us to answer on Hump Day Q and A, you can do that@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or you can do it on Instagram @daveandashleywillis. We'll see you next time. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram, Ave and Ashley Willis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.