My Spouse Is Absent

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Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We're Dave and Ashley Willis. On this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we're talking about some heavier issues in this three part series called My Spouse Is with a fill in the blank. Last week was My spouse is a narcissist, which is a heavy topic, but I know a really meaningful one, especially for those who feel caught in that difficult dynamic. And hopefully we gave some some practical help for those who are there. And today we're going to talk about another difficult situation. But we're glad that you're here and even if this situation doesn't apply to you, listen, keep listening because there are going to be people in your life, friends and family members in your life who are in this place. And by listening today, we think you'll be more equipped to help them.

Absolutely. I love that you made that point because even if, again, even if we're not ourselves at this moment in time dealing with this, it's good to know for the future to kind of avoid these pitfalls but also to be a light to those in our life. Because I mean, hopefully we can be a light. We want to be that. You know, hopefully you guys are involved in small groups at your church or just being neighborly to your neighbors. Because, you know, you could even pass on this podcast episode and say like, hey, listen to one of my favorite podcasts and you know, might be a little awkward since what we're going to talk about today, but it still could be very helpful. It could be the thing that really gets them to get the help that they need. So what are we talking about today? We are talking about that if, you know, help, My spouse is absent and this is a very hard dynamic and we're going to talk about it, but again, it's a little heavy, but it is very important. So let's dive into today's conversation.

So My Spouse is absent. I mean just the title of that is this Downer. And my heart breaks for those who are in this situation. And there are different levels of absence. I mean, there's actual physical absence where a spouse is just avoiding the other spouse by being gone, by jumping into hobbies or pouring themselves into career or constantly volunteering for jobs that are going to take them out of town. And then there's, you know, there's more subtle forms of absence where you're in the same room, but you're just disconnected. You know, they're constantly lost in their phone or in other things and they're just not giving you that attention. And even if they're physically there with you, you feel alone. And regardless of where on the spectrum you are, if you feel like you have an absent spouse, or if you're listening to this and you might feel a little bit of conviction that you have been the absent spouse, then we hope this episode helps. And not to throw judgment. I know sometimes that absence, it comes not from terrible intentions. It comes from, I'm trying to provide for my family, so I'm pouring myself into work. Or there's a lot of conflict at home, and I haven't known. I feel like when I try to deal with it, it gets worse. And so I've just kind of pulled away because my absence seems to be better than us fighting. But the goal is that we're going to. You should always be working towards being together in a healthy way, in an interactive way, and to not settle for prolonged absence.

Absolutely. And I know that, again, we recognize that there are certain situations for work or maybe if you're a military person, where you may have to have a more prolonged season of absence, or maybe one of you has an illness where you have to be hospitalized. I mean, there's a lot of different scenarios, but we're talking about where someone is just actively choosing to be anywhere else but home. And I think a lot of this comes down to avoidance, like you mentioned, Dave. But I think that there's also some people just like, as human beings, we want to go where we feel like we're winning. And a lot of times where we see this happen, it's husbands. It could be a husband or a wife, you know, going to be with their friends that are telling them yes more than they're telling them no. And that think great of them and that want to be with them. So they're always finding a reason to go on a girls trip or a guy's trip or to stay, you know, to go after work for drinks or dinner or whatever with the girls or the guys and then come home for just a little bit. So that they don't have to actually talk to their spouse and deal with their family. And that's just. It's not healthy for a marriage and it will not sustain a marriage. I mean, you can't have a strong relationship without spending a lot of time together. Like, you've got to be together. And even when you are not physically in the same space, really going out of your way to connect in other ways, like through all the technology we have today, there's so many ways that you can connect even if. If you're not physically in the same space. But there isn't anything that really replaces that. Like, you've got to. You've got to spend a lot of time, a lot of quantity time together in order to have quality time together. And I know that's not what a lot of people want to hear, but, you know, we've seen this play out in people's lives where, you know, we've seen, you know, military people often get these assignments for deployments, but we've seen where people had the choice to keep on taking a deployment and, or, you know, asking, you know, putting in and asking, can I have a year off from this? Or whatever to be with my family. And we've seen where people choose to instead go on a deployment because they're like, you know, every time I come home, I don't feel like I'm winning. I feel like it's harder at home. I don't feel like they give me as much respect at home as my people at work respect me. And you don't even have to be in the military to have that dynamic. I've known business people where they'll take every business trip, where they go weeks at a time somewhere just because they don't want to have to deal with the stuff at home. Because the truth is our spouse and our kids, I mean, they see. They see all of us, right? They see the good, the bad and the ugly. Whereas sometimes at work, you know, we can just put on this Persona of this whoever we want to be. Right. And then too, when you're on these work trips, you often can kind of just blow off steam and go get your spa treated and glamorous. Right? Right.

And it's easier, frankly.

Right.

I mean, at work, you can get pats on the back for a lot more things. Right? You can get promoted, you can get raises, you can get accolades, you can get respect through. People have to listen to you if you're in a position of authority. At home, the dynamics are totally different. There's no awards. There's no like the pat's on the back. You can encourage each other and hopefully you do, but not as much in a structured way. You're not going to get a pay raise for being great mom or dad or spouse. But yet those are by far the most important jobs in all of life. Those are the ones that really count. Like, those are the ones that leave a generational legacy. I mean, if you leave your job after decades, they're gonna have your job posted in a week or two and just plug somebody else into that. But there's nobody that can be a husband or wife to your spouse, father or mother to your kids the way that you can. And that's where your legacy can be strongest. And that's so worth fighting for, guys. You've got to be willing to fight for that. I'm not saying don't also be good at your job, of course, but you've got to do it with boundaries. You cannot do it at the expense of your family because any success that we achieve at the expense of our families is not real success. No, it just, it isn't.

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And you know, we've heard stories where for various reasons, you know, a husband or a wife has had a demanding job where they've had to spend significant amounts of away from home. And then all of a sudden they're retired from that. And they are, you know, they have all this time and their spouse who has been at home this whole time is just dying to have this time. Like, they're like, okay, now finally we have our golden season. We can do all this stuff together. We can dream together. Maybe we start a business together, maybe we just travel together, whatever it is. And then the spouse who's been, you know, away and absent for a lot. They don't know what to do with that. Like, they literally don't know what to do. And you really see this breakdown in the marriage, and it's. It causes the spouse who's been home. When I say at home, I don't mean, like, they've just been sitting at home, but the one who's kind of been holding down the fort, so to speak, they go reeling. Like, they're like, what are you talking about? Like, for 20 years, for 30 years, whatever it is, I've been waiting for this moment. And now you're sad because you can't just go escape. I mean, it would be hurtful, right, sweetie? Yeah, it would be extremely hurtful. And so if that's your dynamic, you know, I know that's a hard place to be, but it will take you, both of you, sitting down and saying, okay, how do we want this season to look? Because I want to be more present, but I haven't been. And first of all, it takes that person who's been absent. I think it takes going to your spouse and saying, I'm so sorry. It wasn't my intention just to escape all this time. It wasn't my intention. Or maybe it was. If it was your intention, definitely own that. But I would just go to your spouse and say, I'm sorry that this hurt you. You know, I needed to be there more. And today is a new day. I want to do better about being present. And even when, you know, I'm physically here, if you feel like I'm kind of slipping away mentally and emotionally, and I'm kind of absent that way, which is. I think, one of the most hurtful dynamics is when they are physically there but absent in every other way. You know, give your spouse kind of the license to be able to speak into that and say, hey, come back to me. Come back to me. I need you here with us. Like, we need you to be present where your feet are. You know, we've shared that before. Our friend Paulette who said, you know, be where your feet are planted. We need that. We all need that reminder that we. That we can't. You know, we could be physically in the same room with our spouse, but just absent every other way. And so we need those reminders.

Yeah, we absolutely need those reminders. And avoidance will never ultimately solve the issue. Right. I think that there's a natural tendency to want to avoid problems instead of dealing with them, but it doesn't. It doesn't really avoid Them. Like, I have a neighbor that we've, I've joked about on here. I don't know him personally. He lives several houses down.

I think things are getting better, by the way.

Oh, really?

I have seen them together.

What?

Serious?

Well, I'm glad they're working on it, you see, so.

But something shifted. In a good way, something shifted.

But I joked every time I walked by this guy's house or drove by this house, rain or shine, intense, literally.

In the rain, he would be out.

Working in his yard all the time.

And describe what he was doing.

Like, it wasn't even that his yard looked good. His yard didn't even look good. But he was just like piddling with stuff. He would just be like hand plucking little blades of grass for some reason or looking busy. It was as if in a comical way. He would rather do anything out in the elements than go inside where his wife is.

Well, and this was a guy who was clearly retired.

Right, okay, right. And just maybe the transition, not knowing what to do with yourself, I think.

A lot of people go through that, right?

I get that to a certain extent. But when every single time I walk by your wife's car's there and you're outside, it just you think, dude, go talk to your wife.

Like, what is happening? Or do something together. But let me just tell you, I have seen them outside together and walking together.

There we go.

And I just thought I smiled, like in my heart, I was like, yes, see, there's hope. Thing has shifted, you know, And I don't know what that is for those people, but it probably took one of them saying, you know what? I miss you. Like, I miss you and I need you. And I think sometimes when one of us is being absent, or maybe both of us are, maybe both of us are avoiding each other, we can convince ourselves, well, I just don't really need them as much as I used to, which is just sad. Right? And I mean, sure, we go through different seasons where we maybe like actually have needs more than other seasons, but we always in our emotionally need each other. Right? And so I think just going to your spouse and being like, I miss you, I mean, that says a lot.

It says a whole lot. And guys, maybe that's exactly what needs to happen as a result of this episode. Maybe that's it. Instead of hammering your spouse over the head with everything you're doing wrong or with how hurt or mad you are, even though, yes, you have a right to do those things, but it's not probably gonna help but instead to just tenderly, lovingly, vulnerably going to them and saying, I miss you. I miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss the connection with you. I miss conversation with you. I miss my wife. I miss my husband. Like, what can we do to reconnect? Like, what can we do to be together more and say, what can we do? Instead of, like, just telling what I think in marriage in general, instead of saying, you got to do this, you got to do that. When you frame it as what can we do, we.

Yeah, right.

That's so good. You're gonna tend to get a better response. But that's a great way to start the conversation.

It is. And again, I mean, it might be awkward because I think when someone's used to just doing a lot outside of the home and away from their spouse, to have that re entry is very, very hard. And it feels like an itchy sweater. It feels like something that you're like, I don't like this. I don't like this. This isn't what I'm used to. I'm used to having more autonomy to do what I want to do with my work, with my friends, with whatever. And now all of a sudden, I have to listen to, like, the opinions of my spouse and my kids and whatever. But let me tell you, it is worth the awkward cycle. Like, you're gonna have to go through probably a time of awkwardness. Cause you're used to this other way. But you've got to be with the ones the most and who you really love the most and maybe haven't shown it lately. And so be ready for it to be. To feel awkward for a little bit. But the more you settle in and the more those who are wanting you to re enter give you that grace settling in. Because, I mean, the spouse who's been holding on the fort needs to offer a lot of grace in that reentry. And as you both kind of navigate that time with a lot of grace for each other, a lot of love and respect for each other, and really willingness to listen to each other, I really think that it could turn this next season of your marriage into maybe your best season yet.

Yeah, absolutely.

And you can learn new things. I mean, no matter how long you're married, you can learn new things and new ways of doing things, and it could really strengthen you in ways you didn't even know you needed to be strengthened.

So. Good. As we're going to cut this episode a few minutes short so that you can use that extra time to call your spouse right now and say, I miss you. Yeah, let's connect. And we're praying that that conversation goes well. If we can help here at ExoMarriage, we've got a team@exomarriage.com help where you can set up an appointment to talk to someone, and a trained team, a member of our mediator team who can help you navigate a road back to healing and health in your marriage. You don't have to figure it out alone. There's help available. God bless, guys. We'll see you next.