My Spouse Is in a Mid-Life Crisis // Hump Day Q&A

I'm 32, juggling family, working full time and earning a bachelor's degree at University of Phoenix. I earn career relevant skills with every five week course. Skills I can use now, not just after graduation.

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It's Hump day Q and A time.

Hump Day Day.

Q and A. Hump Day Q and A.

Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. Hey friends, welcome back to Hump Day Q and A on the Naked Marriage podcast. I hope you look forward to Wednesdays as much as we do. I mean, in most of the world, they're talking about Friday being the awesome day, but here at the Naked Nation, all of us, we're looking forward to Wednesdays. Well, Mondays and Wednesdays because Monday you get a full episode Naked Marriage. But Wednesday, the hump day episodes, let's be honest, they're the most fun. And we've got a great question today, right? Ashley wanted me to lead out on this, this episode, which when I really thought about it, offended me a little because the question is about midlife crisis. So I think she's subtly trying to tell me that I'm, I'm in one.

I don't know. I mean, you know, these are audio only, but if you could see Dave's hair right now.

I've got some midlife crisis hair.

It is awesome. It's, it's growing out.

I'm growing it out.

And per. Per my urging, because this is what I like to refer to as Professor Dave.

She can't, I'm waving it around. She can't get enough of it.

Amazing hair. The salt and pepper with the wisdom. But also it's got like, like, I wish I had hair like you. That just really has a lot of body to it and some, what do you call it?

You got babiness, plenty of body.

Oh my gosh, you're so silly.

Well, I can't grow any good facial hair. And so this is my, the only hair. This and a little bit patch of back here is the only thing that I can really grow.

Wow.

It is probably. But we've got a great question. I'm Going to read the question. We appreciate it. You guys write great questions. And as always, you can write us on Instagram. We're a vandashley Willis. Today's question. Speaking of midlife, I'm going to put my glasses on to read. It says my spouse is going through what seems to be a midlife crisis, questioning their career, identity and even our relationship. This sudden shift has left me feeling confused, insecure and unsure of our future together. How can I support my spouse through this turbulent time without losing myself in the process? And how do we ensure that our marriage comes out stronger on the other side? Great, great question. And this is a phenomenon that seemed to exist in one form or another throughout history. I mean, even in the Bible. There's a book in the Bible called Ecclesiastes, written by King Solomon, the richest, wisest king of all of Israel. And it's basically a personal journal of a midlife crisis. It's like he's saying, I've tried everything. It's all meaningless. And, I mean, it's kind of depressing. And then he gets to the end of it and he wraps it up by saying, really, life's all about fear, God. Keep his commands. Just keep it simple. Do that. But don't throw out all your principles and morals and everything else, searching after all the stuff the world offers because it's empty. He'd had a chance to try it all, and he's like he said, meaningless. No matter how much money you make, no matter how much pleas you have, no matter how many possessions you amass or how much fame you have, it's all really meaningless. It's all so shallow, apart from God. And I think midlife, it reminds us of our own mortality. We look back and we realize all those dreams I had in elementary school when I thought by this age I would be a billionaire professional athlete and president of the United States somehow, all at the same time. And none of us measure up to that, that kind of the childhood fantasy we had of what life was about. But hopefully we're living a real life version that can be even better because we have, we have real relationships. We have all the stuff that money can't buy. But it is, it is a time of reflection. You know, it's midlife's a time of reflection. There's a great book called Halftime, which I'd recommend to the one going through the midlife crisis and to the spouse as well, written to folks in that season. And using the sports analogy of halftime, halfway through a game, you go into the locker room, and you just. You talk about what worked first half, what didn't work as well. And more importantly, you develop a really positive game plan for the second half, because anybody in sports knows the second half is the one that counts the most. That's when the game's won or lost. So how do you finish strong? If I'm entering into that halftime locker room, look at this time as a time to dream, to recalibrate, to build on what we've learned and. And to come out with a game plan to make the second half the best half. I think that's a healthy place to at least start this conversation.

It is. And I think just really being willing to talk about it and not, you know, your spouse right now might be doing some erratic things. It sounds like maybe that she's like. Or he's like, oh, my gosh. Like, all of a sudden, they're not feeling good about where they are. I'm afraid what they're going to do, because I think they said even questioning the relationship, and there's this sudden shift. So I think it's kind of that fear of, like, what's going on? Like, and so they feel like, man, nothing's working. I would. I would help to dispel the fears and say, listen, this is normal. You know, midlife. We can come to that crossroads where we're like, man, this isn't where I thought I would be. I didn't think our marriage would still have these problems. I didn't think that our kids would be having these problems. I didn't think my job would just not. I would. I'd be. I would be rising up the ladder more than I have or whatever. Or I would have started that business that I always said I would start, and we just didn't have the money at the time. And whatever it is, I would. I would just try to talk to your spouse and say, listen, empathize with them, first and foremost. That's going to open up that communication door and say, yeah, you know, sometimes we just end up at a place we just. Where we can be a little disappointed. But that's not necessarily all bad, because sometimes discomfort is the very thing that leads to where we need to go. You know what I'm saying? Like, the most transition happens when we're uncomfortable like that. It really is. And none of us like it. We're actually, to be very honest with you, we're in midlife right now. I'm 43. I'm 43, right? Yes, 43. You guys. Sometimes I Have to ask Dave. My age. I know the kids ages.

Yeah. And I'm.

And Dave's almost 47, right?

No, 46.

Almost 46.

Almost 46. Yeah.

I don't know how old we are, sweetie. He's 46.

He's still 45 at the moment. He's holding on by the time this airs.

How old are you?

I don't know. I might be 46. I don't know. 46. In October.

In October. But we are going through an uncomfortable time right now.

Yeah, it is.

We won't get into the details, but it's a lot of transition. But I will tell you, and. And there's fear in there. And there's sometimes. I mean, it's okay to be. It's okay to be a little scared. It's okay to have uncertainty. But I will tell you this. That that's when we really need to draw even closer to the Lord. And when we do, it's like God, even in the fear, even in the uncertainty, even in the unsteadiness, can really bring fruit that you didn't even know was possible. And you can even grow spiritually. So I would say, like, turn towards each other, not away, and don't, you know, don't dismiss your spouse's feelings. Say, yeah, like, I get it. That, you know what, they haven't appreciated you at your job. You're right. Or, you know what? Yeah, maybe we should reach out to exomediation and finally deal with these communication issues we've had for years and years. Like, maybe we need to go to exomarriage.com help and, like, meet with someone or get a counselor near us and maybe do that. So, like, you know, meet them where they are, but then say, listen, let's think about our life and think about things that we've learned that we wouldn't even know if we weren't in midlife. Like, because the thing that we forget is once you reach this age of, like, the 40s and 50s, you have a knowledge and a wisdom that you never had in your 20s.

Oh, it's a gift. It's a gift.

It's a gift. And it's like, I think it can be, like, some of the best years of your life because you have all this experience. So, like, look at your experience. Look at the strong things you have, even make a list of them. Help your spouse do it. Say, like, well, what's. We. We've talked about what's going wrong and what you might want to change, but what's going right. What's going, right? And if they do want to make, you know, a change in their career, say, well, what would that look like? If it was ideal, what would it look like? And then after they write down or they describe the ideal, say, well, what would actually be feasible? Like, what. With what. You know, with what we have right now in this phase of our life, what could we feasibly do? I mean, would it be applying for new jobs? Could we, you know, maybe we need to, you know, go into our savings and start that business? Like, what is it? What would excite you right now? What would give you new, like, fresh wind, you know, fresh air in the lungs, so to speak. And I'm telling you, it can. It can turn this kind of uncertain and, like, fearful time into actually a really exciting time in your relationship. Now, this is. This is a process.

It is a process, and you will.

Have days where you want to cry and really just get in bed. And that's okay. Sometimes you need that.

And some of that, like, is your midlife hormones for men and women. Everything else, everything's changing.

This is the truth.

And, you know, but it's okay. You got to have keep a sense of humor.

There'll be days like that, too. But then there'll be days where wake up and you'll be like, this isn't going to be all bad. Like, maybe this is the thing I needed to wake me up to start doing some things a little differently. And different could be better. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, different. Different could be like, exactly what you needed. And. And I think that. I think that where this can go really sideways is not talking about it number one, and getting angry with each other about how you feel, which you can't help you feel how you feel. You know, it's not right or wrong. I mean, you might think it's wrong or whatever. Like, you're looking at this wrong. Why are you being so erratic? But that's just not gonna. That's not gonna go anywhere. So it's just really listen. But also, like, really enter into that with your spouse and say, well, what. What are a few things we could do differently in these aspects of our life?

Yeah, I think that's really good. I mean, it's again, the halftime thing. Like, what. What do we want to. What are we gonna dream about for the second half? Yeah, you know, we got all this time ahead of us, and we have all this benefit of experience, like you said, going into the second half. So the second half should be the best half.

Right, right. And I think focusing on, like, what are the things that we know we do not want to change? Like, we know we, like, for example, we're going to fight for our marriage. We want to make sure we take time with our children or grandchildren. I mean, and we want to make sure that we, you know, we prioritize our faith. Like, we're, we're going to, you know, like, what are those mainstays? But then what are the things that do need to shift?

Absolutely. And coming back before we wrap up, very specifically about what do I do to support a spouse in this? I think be an encourager. Try to be tender. Try to let them know in loving ways when they are being just super negative, super negative and help pull them out of that.

Or maybe reckless. Sometimes people can get reckless.

Yeah, you don't want them to. You know, when you start doing reckless stuff, you know, that's, that's way out of bounds. Of course, encourage them to get checked out medically, get blood work done. A lot of times there are medical solutions who, hormonal replacements, there's maybe medications that would help them thrive and to feel, feel, feel their best physically and in other areas as well. So just explore every solution to help each other. Be at your best, feel your best and keep dreaming together.

That's right. Well, thank you all so much for joining us and we will see you next time. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.