My Spouse Is Using OnlyFans..... // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's Hump Day Q and A time.

Hump Day Q and A. Hump Day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. Hey friends, welcome to Hump Day Q and A. My favorite day of the week. Today we've got a serious question. It's about Only Fans because I think my spouse is on Only Fans. What can I do now? Let me tell you, if you're not familiar with what Only Fans is, don't Google it.

No, do not Google it.

Let me just kind of explain. We're not on there, but we've done enough research and worked with enough people.

To know we're obviously not on.

Right. I'm saying I don't know.

Yeah, no, no, no. But I mean, like, we have to educate ourselves.

I just never want to.

Yeah.

Come up from a place of expertise when, when I've never personally experienced this site other than just from a research. Yeah. From a research point of view. So Only Fans is a, is a site. From how I understand it. People can create an account and they can for their quote, fans who pay them, interact with them directly, usually in sexually explicit ways, doing kind of like.

Fetish, fetish stuff, live pornography, kind of.

Live, you know, live sex act requests, requests via, via phone with that person. And a lot of money changes hands. There are a lot of, A lot of individuals that are kind of making their living on Only Fans, essentially just with their phone being a, being a private stripper or private digital prostitute, I guess, for, for fans. And it's, it's a huge business. It's a huge market. It's, it's kind of the newest innovation and kind of the whole mega pornography industry.

Yeah.

And when you say my spouse is on it. You know, whether it's. It's usually when we hear this is not like it's usually women who are the ones who are the performers, so to speak. On fans.

Yeah, there's probably too.

And the men are the ones who are paying. Who are the fans who are paying money for these specific women they subscribe to. To talk with them, to do fetish things for them or whatever it is. So normally when we hear questions like this, it's from a woman saying, I think my husband is viewing this. Not from a husband who thinks my wife's viewing or my wife is performing for money. There might be some who, who.

There are situations like right where.

Where the wife is getting like a thrill. Thrill from all the attention and feel safe behind a screen. These people don't know my real name or where I live. And so I can express myself sexually, get money for it and still feel, quote, safe. And so, yeah, there's maybe that temptation too, but all the way around, it's just. It's so wrong. It's so dangerous. It's so toxic. And if you're involved in it, we don't say that to shame you, but to just bring the conviction that the Holy Spirit brings for our good. To say, this is not good. This is prostituting yourself, or it's directly, you know, kind of funding the objectification and prostitution of someone. Yeah. It's sabotaging your marriage and your mindset and nothing good, nothing good is going to come from it. So with that being said, sweetie, what. What do you do if you'll.

Yeah.

You feel like my spouse is maybe caught up in this.

Well, and if they think that, odds are you've been on a computer where you saw an account or maybe you discovered some payments made to something where you're like, I don't know what these payments are made to, and you've discovered it's to an only Fans account. What I would say is you have to address it and again, come from a point of using those I statements and just be honest and say, listen, I'm really concerned because I found these purchases and then I did a little digging because I, you know, I thought maybe somebody had stolen our card or was making false purchases online that weren't coming from us. And I found this page and, and can you tell me what's going on here? Because what I know about this page is it's. It's really a form of lust and cheating, you know, virtually. And it really, really is concerning to me. And I want to know how deep this goes and how long this has been going on and because I don't want anything to come between us. And clearly this is, is not, this is out of bounds, you know, this is not okay. And I think this is serious. This is not something to take lightly. A lot of times this is a gateway and people we've talked to over the years, it's a gateway to like actually going and getting prostitutes. You know, I think people get into this thinking, oh well this is harmless. It's just like pornography but live. And they get to do what I want them to do. And obviously masturbation is involved in this too. So you are connecting with someone virtually, you know, sexually. Yeah, you're not actually touching but you know, it's still out of bounds, it's still wrong and it's still a form of cheating on your spouse. And so. But for a lot of people, what they don't realize and a lot of times this leads into a sexual addiction. Not always. Not always. But we've seen this with couples where you know, it starts with pornography and then it goes to onlyfans and then it goes to actually getting with prostitutes and then there's just this sexual addiction.

Perpetuated or the, the only fans guy is now expecting his wife to act out all of these very specific kind of fetish fantasies where she's just the warm body that he is using to get to clim. And there's no emotional connection in sex. And it's just, it's demanding, it's self focused and then it rarely is satisfied there. And then like you said, he's going to, he's going to start looking for prostitutes and for other ways to fulfill any form of addiction, including sexual addiction. It never just stays in the little box we build for it. It's going to keep, it's going to keep expanding and taking more of your life.

It will. And so just like with any addiction, any. And even if it's not an addiction, it's just like a one or two time thing. It's still wrong. It still needs to get out in the open and deal with it. It doesn't become, you know, a bigger problem. And so I would just say you got to be willing to have that awkward conversation and try not to come at it just you know, with all of the emotion, like you know, have a moment and work through. You have every right to be upset. You have every right to be disgusted and mad and all those things. But if we come at our spouse and we're just like yelling at them and we're a blubbering mess and we're losing it right out of the gate. They're not going to listen right now. Granted, it's okay to shed some tears. It's okay to share your heart, but I'm just saying I would work through some of that and really write down what you want them to know and then really, you know, edit that and, and think about what do I want to say to my spouse. Um, I mean, it might even take going to a counselor to work through this too. Cause it's going to be devastating. Anybody who's going through this, it would be devastating. And. But you do need to have that conversation. And then, you know, you have to. It's going to be different for everybody. Your spouse may immediately repent and say, yes, I'm so sorry, this is wrong. I'm going to make sure I put, you know, I'm going to have filtering software on everything. I'm going to be. I'm going to get off all these things. I'm going to completely get off social media or computers for a while. I need to kind of just, you know, go towards that sobriety of this. Or they may have a different reaction and they may say, well, this isn't hurting anybody. And they could even blame. Blame their spouse. I mean, which is just not true. But they could do that. And in that, if that happens, I would highly encourage you to get an exo mediator. I think that could be a great help to you. You can go to exomarriagehelp.com and they will take one or two days and just hash it out with you. And these people, you know, they're trained, highly trained in mediating for you and helping you to work through this issue and to look at it from a godly point of view. And I think sometimes, you know, when our spouse is caught up in sin, they can only, you know, they. We can get really puffed up and really, like, pride gets in the way and we think, well, I'm justified in this, you know, for whatever reason. And there's just no justification. But it's good to have some outside people who can objectively look into your situation and say, no, no, no, this, this is wrong and here's why it's wrong. And we can help you get through this.

So true. Great question. Our prayers are with anybody who is. Who's wrapped up in this. But just know you're not alone. Resources are available. Go to exomarriage.com and that site Ashley gave just a minute ago. ExoMarriage Help.com Specifically, if you'd like to talk to one of our mediat could be a game changer no matter what you're facing in your marriage. Guys, thanks so much for tuning in. Check us out on Instagram aveandashleywillis and submit your questions there through Messenger. We would love to hear from you. God bless. We'll see you next time.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram at Dave and Ashley Willis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.