Never Say This In Marriage

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The Bible says that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Sure. So by the time something comes out of our mouth, it's because it's been inside us all along. People are like a tube of toothpaste. When you squeeze a tube of toothpaste, what was inside comes out. And when a person gets squeezed by the stress of life, by the exhaustion, frustration, whatever, what was inside our mind and our heart comes out.

Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we Undress the truth about sex, intimacy and and lifelong love. And you guys. We are coming to a close in our nine Habits that Lead to Divorce series. We've really enjoyed talking through these with you all, and we hope that you found it helpful. So we're gonna share the last one today. We're calling it the one word you can't say. And there's a lot more to stay till the end because we talk about more than just the one word. So you'll definitely wanna hear the other words.

Yeah, you need to stick around to the end on this one. Cause at the very end, the full list we give, I think is super helpful.

But it'll get you thinking.

It'll get you thinking.

But before we dive in, I want to share another review. Again, thank you so much. For those of you who've left a review, we know it just takes you a minute to do it, but we know you're busy and we appreciate that minute that you take to really just put what the podcast means to you. So thank you so much for doing that. And if you haven't shared a review yet, please go and do so, because it's a great way to spread the message of the Naked Marriage Podcast. All right, today's review is from Lorena B. 26. Five stars. Thank you, Lorena. And it says this. Dave and Ashley never stop doing what you do. It's changing marriages around the world. I. I started listening to this podcast three years ago, about a week into my husband opening up to me about his porn addiction. It was one of the most difficult seasons for us, listening To Dave, open up about his testimony gave me hope. Ashley, your grace and unconditional love is inspirational and admirable. We are going on four years strong of marriage, have found counseling, embraced vulnerability, and have grown to fight against the lies of the enemy. We are stronger than ever before. Thanks to you both. Giving up was never an option. People. TS I'm loving the Summer Quickie series. Thank you so much, Lorena, for listening and for responding. And guys, we are, we are rooting for you and praying for you as you heal from the porn addiction. I'm so glad that, that you found hope here and know that you're not alone. And so thank you so much.

Yeah, that means so much. And, and don't worry, next summer we'll bring the Summer Quickies back. We love the Summer Quickies and we've, we enjoyed doing it and we've enjoyed this series. This nine part series on the the nine habits lead to divorce. Yes, it's kind of bittersweet seeing it close, but hopefully this has helped you. I'm going to ask you guys for one quick favor before we dive into today's episode. And this is just something that came to my mind, but I think it might help more people discover this podcast. So there's a radio station called K Love.

Yes.

That's all over the country. They're@klove.com and they're on social media, Instagram, everywhere else at K L, O V E and K Love, in the spring they do an award show and a new category they have is best podcast. Okay. So it'd be an honor for us to be nominated for that because just by being nominated, it would help all of their listeners kind of discover this podcast. So here's what I'm asking you to do. If the Naked Marriage Podcast has been meaningful to you, go to your social media, go look for K Love on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter and tag them and say, hey, Kaylove, nominate the Naked Marriage podcast for your fan awards and just let them know, get, get us on their radar. And we're doing that not just for accolades at all for the ministry here, but we really want to help spread the word and we think this could be a fun way, a free way to help spread the word about the important messages that we discuss here on the Naked Marriage podcast. So thank you for those who are willing to do that. And hey, thank you even if you're not willing to do that. Just, we appreciate you taking the time to listen here today. So let's dive into today's episode. All right, friends, this is it. The final episode in our nine part series, the nine habits that lead to divorce. And we've saved one of the most important ones for last. And it's the one word you can't say. And if you get in the habit of saying this one word, then it's going to put you on the fast track toward divorce. Now, as a quick caveat, I think there are probably a lot of words you should not say in marriage. It's not just one. I think cussing at your spouse in an angry way is, should be off limits. I think name calling, insults, critical words. We've done whole podcast episodes on the power of your words and that's a good one to go back and listen to because the tone of your words will shape the tone of your marriage. But if there's just one word that you should never say, we believe that it is the word divorce.

Yes.

When you start threatening divorce, throwing around the word divorce, it weakens the very foundation of the marriage and it's one of the most damaging habits a marriage can have.

It is, you know, we've seen couples where this is a word they use to threaten. They use ultimatums, you know, and it's just, it's just something that definitely puts a huge damper, I mean, to say the least, on the marriage. And it just is very unhealthy because when we go into marriage, we go all in, right? And we want to be able to see each other through all of the hardship. But when we constantly, like when we get into a hard spot and we say we should just get divorced or I'm going to leave you, you may not actually say divorce, but even just the threat of leaving them or filing, I mean, you can use other terminology. It just, it really, it basically is saying to your spouse, like, I'm not willing to work at this and I don't think there's any hope for us. And when that seems to be the mentality, I mean, of course you both kind of stop fighting. I mean, that's what. Or stop fighting for the marriage is what I mean by that. But you stop acting, actually doing those things that would help you to work through whatever issue you're facing because you're like, well, he's probably just gonna lead me anyway, or she's already checked out anyway, she's already said the D word, you know, and so we wanna make sure that if you're kind of in the midst of that, if you're in the midst of that being a word that you sling around, you know, from time to time we wanna talk about, you know, how to get out of that rut, because that's a huge rut.

It is. And I think it comes from a place maybe of desperation.

I think so too.

Where, you know, so if you'veif you've been there, if you've said, we're not having this episode to make you feel more beat up and more defeated, we're just helping you take a step back and realize how damaging it is. It's not helpful. I think in a place of desperation, people get in that habit of just saying like, well, do you just want a divorce? Or we're just going to get divorced, or if this keeps happening, divorce is on the table. And it comes from a place of saying, I don't know what else to do. I'm exhausted. I've tried every other word, I've tried every other thing. But once we get to this point, I think we need to acknowledge that we are in crisis.

Right.

Once we're even throwing that word around, it's not that crisis is coming. We're already there. And so you have to define reality. To say, if we, either of us are in a place where we feel that frustration or even desperation that leads us to start making those threats, then we need to take a step back and say, okay, how did we get here and how do we create a path to get out? And that's why on this podcast all the time, we're talking about resources specifically to help couples who are struggling. Now. We also have a lot of resources for couples who are, who are healthy and strong and they listen to this podcast every week because it's just part of what keeps them healthy and strong. But we also want to have a sensitive place specifically for those who've tuned in because they're hurting and they don't know where else to turn. And this is a safe place for you. We're praying for you. And we believe that God can restore any marriage, no matter how broken it might feel right now. If both spouses are willing to do the work to get healing and you don't have to figure it out on your own is the good news. We've got mediators here at ExoMarriage. You can go to xomarriage.com help to set up a Skype call, a phone call, an in person meeting with one of them. You can get with a counselor in your area. But I think even before that call, it's sitting down with your spouse and just having a heart to Heart, not blaming and pointing fingers at them. Well, the reason I've said that word, the reason I've thrown around divorce, is because you did this or that. But if you're the one who's been throwing around the divorce word, to apologize and to say, I take responsibility, like I have used this word, which is reckless and careless and hurtful, and I want you to hear my heart. I don't want to divorce you. I want us to make it. I want our best years to be ahead of us. I want us to heal and to grow. And I love you and I'm committed to you. And I'm sorry that my frustration and my careless words have caused more damage than healing. And I want to work with you to make a plan to get out of where we are to a much better place together. If your spouse is the one throwing around the divorce word, then in a calm setting, when you're not in an argument, sit down and say, listen, I want to talk to you about something. I know that we're in a tough place right now, and I just want you to know that I hear you. And when you've thrown around the word divorce, it breaks my heart because I want you to hear, that's not what I want. And I don't think that's even what you want, or at least I hope that's not what you want. And I want to right now make a commitment that we're going to work through this together and get to a better place where this marriage is a place of healing and hope and wholeness for both of us and whatever we have to do to get there, I'm in.

Exactly. And I think too, we need to realize that it's not necessarily saying it out loud. Like the early phases of this. It all starts in our mind. It starts with thinking that, like, when something happens and when things are hard, thinking to yourself, you know, we should probably just get a divorce, or I think we're headed towards divorce. You know what I'm saying? It all starts in the mind because really what we end up saying, it started in our mind usually a while before that. Right. And I think too, most of us realize that the word divorce carries a lot of weight with it and that it's, you know, it's not just a willy nilly kind of word. You know, it's something that can really have a lot of consequences and a lot of effects. And we know people who've gone through divorces and even they, you know, they would tell you, I would say most people going through a divorce. And there are, you know, a lot of different reasons that people divorce, but most people would say they wish they didn't have to go through that like, that it's not something that they wanted necessarily, but there were just different reasons for it. And so I think most of us can agree it's a big word. And. And so I think when people actually do verbalize it, it's been knocking around in their brain for a while. Right? Don't you think so, sweetie?

Yeah.

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A massage chair might seem a bit extravagant, especially these days. Eight different settings, adjustable intensity. Plus it's heated and it just feels so good. Yes, a massage chair might seem a bit extravagant, but when it can come with a car, suddenly it seems quite practical. The Volkswagen Tiguan, packed with premium features like available massaging front seats, it only feels extravagant by the time you get to that place and that word comes out of your mouth. Because the Bible says that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. So by the time something comes out of our mouth, it's because it's been inside us all along. People are like a tube of toothpaste. When you squeeze a tube of toothpaste, what was inside comes out. And when a person gets squeezed by the stress of life, by the exhaustion, frustration, whatever, what was inside our mind and our heart comes out. And if that word comes out, it's coming out because it's taken root in our thoughts long before.

Absolutely. And I think one thing we probably need to kind of evaluate in our life is if we do find ourselves thinking about divorcing a lot and maybe even saying it, I think we need to take a long, hard look at, at maybe first of all, the reasons for it. Like, why are we going to that? What is it? What's the real reason that we would even entertain that? What is it? What's the issue? What's the problem? And if you really can't even think of a specific thing, or maybe it's a relatively minor thing, and when I say minor, I mean there's not been some catastrophic thing that happened. There hasn't been infidelity or abuse or some big thing, but maybe it's been just a long season of not communicating well. Or. Or maybe they just ticked you off one day and you're just like, you know, mad at them or whatever. You know, if it's that, you know, that you can get, you know, you can look at the issue and say, well, this is the issue. We're. We're pointing to this. We need to get help with this. And you can address it like we talk about all the time in this podcast. Address it in a healthy way in a calm fashion. But if you really think about it for a minute and. And you're like, you know, I can't really point to any particular thing. I'm just kind of tired. I'm just kind of overwhelmed with this and frankly, just don't want to work and being married anymore. I would ask you to really take a long, hard look to you're hanging around. Because what we found kind of in the work we do is people who start really thinking about divorce a lot, you know, in the midst of just a season, they're. They're working through. A lot of times it's because they've maybe been around people who are themselves going through a divorce or. And are down on marriage, you know, and it might be for a good reason, like, maybe they were really wronged, you know what I'm saying? And. Or left or something like that. But maybe that friend who they're spending a lot of time with is constantly talking about divorce or maybe see something in their own marriage and is like, you know what? You'd be so much better off divorce. Then people start entertaining it. And I'm not saying you can't be friends with someone who's going through a divorce. By all means, be a supportive friend with whatever our friends are going through. But I think that especially if our marriage is in kind of a rut in a place where we're very fragile, we had to be very careful with. With who we're listening to and who we're allowing to speak into our marriage. And, and with people who have been hurt, and it's very raw. You know, a lot of times they're not necessarily at that moment in their life. Okay. Maybe later on they could have more sound advice. But right now, the emotions are raw and they're hurt, and I just don't know if. If that's a place where, you know, you should hash out your marriage issues with a person who's in a fragile state.

Yeah, it's. It's very true. You have to be. When you're you yourself are vulnerable.

Right, Right.

You have to go to someone who's strong.

Right.

And sometimes in the area where you're vulnerable.

Exactly.

So like if it's, if, if you're, if you're in a place where you're struggling with an alcohol addiction, sure. You know, the person that you were going to confide in is somebody who's maybe strong in that area. There, there are, they're, they've been sober for five years or they don't share that same struggle. Not somebody else who's just as much struggling as you because chances are you're going to both end up at the bar.

Exactly.

And same with marriage. If your marriage is struggling, don't just confide in the person whose marriage is also struggling, because the chances are it's going to turn into just a gripe fest where both of you are griping about your marriage and fantasizing about a life without your spouse. Go to someone whose marriage is strong. Go to someone who loves you, loves the Lord, loves your spouse, wants good things for your marriage, and talk to them. And if you don't have someone like that in your life, or even if you do have someone like that in your life, I still think a good Christian counselor could be so helpful. And that's why instead of the word divorce, instead of just not saying it, I would say replace it and maybe replace it with the word help. Instead of telling your spouse, we're just going to get divorced, instead say, I really think we need help. We need help. And I want us to get the help that we need so that we can be at our best.

I think that's so true. And I just want to say this. I think a lot of times we go to the people where we think they're going to give us the answer that we want. You know what I'm saying? And please don't misunderstand us with talking about people who've gone through a divorce or going through a divorce. Our hearts go out to them. I mean, 100%.

Yeah. No one wants that.

And we don't know your story. Only you and your spouse and God know exactly what's going on there. And I'm not saying that that you can't offer really sound advice because honestly, someone who's been through a hard time usually has, you know, once they've come through it and they've healed, has more perspective than somebody who's not been through hard times, obviously. But I do think that, and even I've heard people walking through a divorce and kind of getting to the other side of it, say that they had to be really careful with what they were saying because they realized that they were kind of down on all marriage, and they were, you know, because they were hurt and they were. And they were really reeling from it all because it's such a catastrophic thing, you know, and there's so. And there's, you know, there's the husband and wife involved, but then there's the children, and then there's the families, and people aren't always kind, and there's all this. These lies that are spread and all that kind of stuff. So that's why we're so wounded, you know, whenever someone's walking through something like that. And so we're just saying, if you are looking for a reason to just to be out, to tap out and to say done, don't go to that person who, you know is gonna be like, yeah, you know, you should be done, you know, because that's more than likely not the right answer. Right. You know, and so we need to go to people that can really listen and not just tell us what we're gonna hear, but really be people who can say, you know, what. Have you considered, you know, this book that really helped me to see things differently and to change something about me, you know? Cause really, we can only change ourselves. We can't change our spouse. We can, you know, ask God to change our perspective. We can ask God to change our spouses, but really, more than likely, he's going to change our perspective. Okay? And really, we need to look at what we can do personally and how we think about divorce. Right. And what we're saying is don't let divorce be this go to in your brain. Because really, what you think about the most, literally, they discovered in neuroscience, it makes literally a trail in your brain.

Yeah, it does.

And it becomes kind of the go to. And instead, I think that, you know, don't. Don't let that be a go to whenever things get hard. Just like Dave was saying, let the go to be. We need to reach out for help. We need to get advice. We need to work on things. And you guys, that doesn't mean that you're doomed. Like, that just means you're human. Everyone goes through hard times, and I think we need to shift our perspective. And really, you've probably heard the term, you know, take divorce off the table. Let it not even be something that is always kind of in the. You know, you're.

Yeah, just remove it as an option.

Remove it as an option and Say, we're going to work through this. We are going to work through this. We're going to get the help that we need. We're going to try to, you know, forgive one another. And, you know, if trust has been broken, we're going to try to allow them to re earn our trust. And, you know, it's hard work. It's not easy, but it's possible, you guys. And we've shared our own story with you. You've heard many stories on this podcast about people who've been through hard times, who could have called it quits but didn't. And they will tell you they're so glad they didn't call it quits, that they worked through the hard things. And really, in the process, even as ugly as it got, that God really grew both of them and made them stronger.

Yeah. And it happens when you do what Ashley said, you just, you remove divorce as an option because every couple is going to have at least one season in their marriage where that could be an option. Well, this is hard. I guess we could just quit. But it's the couples who say, we're not even going to consider that as an option.

Right.

That's never going to be plan B. We're only going to find a way to stay together. And as we prepare to wrap up this episode, I want to just share maybe a few other words, even though this is the one word you shouldn't say, but a few other words that you should also remove from your vocabulary, just as kind of a bonus. And we've talked about some of these before, but words like fine, you know, where your spouse asks how you're doing and you say, I'm fine or I'm okay, they're words that shut down a conversation instead of promoting conversation. And so any word in your vocabulary that you're using to shut things down instead of promote conversation, maybe take that out. Words like always or never. You always do this or you never do that. These exaggerated words that we use to make a point to elevate ourselves and diminish our spouse. Those words can be so harmful. And so really look at your vocabulary and think, what are the words that I'm saying? You know, maybe they're cuss words at my spouse. And those are easy to identify and remove, hopefully, where it's a damaging word, it's not a helpful word that I need to just make a commitment between me and God that I'm going to stop saying that. I might not even tell my spouse. I'm going to stop saying that I'm just going to stop saying that and then watch how my marriage changes as a result.

Yes. It might even be a phrase, you know, we shared on here before briefly, that early in our marriage, I used to try to do Jedi mind tricks on Dave because for some odd reason, I believe that, like, I shouldn't have to tell him, you know, things. That's a phrase like don't thinking and saying I shouldn't have.

He should know.

He should know. She should know. Shouldn't have to tell them that. And there might be truth to that, but that doesn't mean they're going to know.

Right. He doesn't know. I didn't know.

Right. He's just going to. You're just going to keep on going through this perpetual madness. But I think a phrase that I started saying to Dave to kind of help him know without actually just plainly telling him what I needed, I would say he would ask me, you know, he would check in with me and be like, hey, what do you think.

About me doing, going and, you know, hanging out with the guys on Saturday?

Right. And I would look at him, and instead of saying how I really felt, I would say, do what you want to do.

Yeah. But she would say it in a way where it was like, I don't think she didn't know that, but okay, she said it, and that's what I want to do, so I'm going to go do it. And she would get frustrated that I didn't know that she didn't really want me to go.

It's so silly. I don't know why she's.

And I would get frustrated because I would come back from it and she'd be mad at me for something she told me I could do. And so it's miscommunication. And so make sure you're saying words that promote honest, open, healthy, loving communication. In any phrase, any word that you're saying that's doing the opposite of that. Just make a commitment that we're gonna remove that from our marriage. And I promise you, it'll make a big, big difference. Guys, thanks so much for tuning in. We don't do the questions at the end anymore because as you probably already know, every Wednesday we've got a brand new episode coming called Hump Day Q and A, where we spend a whole episode just answering one of your questions. You can submit questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or write us on Instagram at Dave and Ashley Willis, thanks so much for tuning in. We'll see you next time.

Bye, guys. Sam.