New Year, New Us

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2018 has come and gone in a flash. I can't believe it's December 31, 2018. I mean, where has the year come?

It has flown by. You know, guys, this is the Naked marriage podcast, episode 14.

What?

I can't believe it. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and we are dedicating in this podcast to undressing the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And today we're talking about something really exciting. But before we get there, Dave wants to tell you about our book.

Quick announcement. One thing we're super excited about in 2019, man, it feels weird even saying that. 2019, I know, but our upcoming book, the Naked Marriage, titled the same thing as this podcast just to make it easy to remember, the Naked Marriage book will be released in February, but if you pre order it now@nakedmarriagebook.com or on Amazon, wherever you get your books, if you pre order either the paperback or the ebook, you're gonna get instant access to some free goodies, including two of our most popular conference talks on sex and friendship in marriage and an instant ebook download on our previous book, the Naked Truth About Sex, which is gonna make 2019 an extra hot year at your house. Where so, so excited to share this book. There's an accompanying small group video series that you get for free when you order the book. So it's just a great resource and we're so excited to share this with you.

And today on the podcast, we're gonna talk about how so many of us, we go into this new year thinking new year, new you. But today we wanna talk about how this can be a new year and a new us. Because you can set goals not only for yourself, but also for your marriage. So let's dive in.

Every time we get to the start of a new year, I'm always thinking ahead to new goals that we can have. But I'm also thinking back to some of the times in the past that we've, with really good intentions, started out with some new resolutions, whether it's financial or in our health. And sometimes it created some ongoing good habits, but a lot of times it almost backfired. And I'm thinking specifically about the time we tried. There was this program really popular about maybe 15 years ago, and it was called Body for Life. Body for Life. And it was a book and a program. It had this really buff guy on the front of the book. And it was this really intense diet plan. But part of this diet program was that there was a free day. And the free day was you could eat anything. You could go nuts. You could eat 10,000 calories if you wanted. And the other six days, it was a pretty rigid discipline diet and exercise plan. But that one day you could do whatever you wanted to do. And so we started this diet together several times, always on the free day. And we would just pig out, and then the next day we would give up. And so we ended up gaining weight on Body for Life because we never got past the free day.

It was so ridiculous.

The free day was awesome, I have to say. You know, eating Twinkies for breakfast and ice cream. I don't know about that mid morning snack, but, yeah, we didn't stick with it the way we should.

Well, I remember it very vividly because we actually have a picture of our before, like, and we had Dave's brother, Drew. Drew, if you're listening, thanks for, like, entertaining us. He came over to our house, and I think at the time he was in high school. Right.

And we had to be in our.

Swimsuits and we had to have a newspaper. This is when you put a newspaper with you to verify the date of your before picture. That's how old this is. And so, like, we. But you know how what you do.

In a before picture, it sounds like Civil War era.

You try to make yourself look horrible in your before picture.

Yeah, Right.

So Dave, like, pushes out the biggest.

Gut he can possibly, which I can do pretty impressively. Cause, like, I suck in all the time. And it just, you know, kind of keeps this illusion of a flatter stomach. But when I really want to go there, I can stick it out to pregnancy level.

He really can. He really can.

It's kind of a gift. And so I was doing that.

You did. And I, like, looked miserable in my face and was trying to, like, stick.

Out my belly because we were convinced our after pictures were gonna. We were gonna look like children's fitness models and we would win a prize and get on the COVID of a book or something.

Yes.

But the truth is, I look at those before pictures now, and I wish I looked like that before pictures. Me too.

Me too.

I was hot, man. I wanna go back there. That's now my after picture.

Oh, My goodness. No. It's so funny because we did start out with really good intentions. We were very motivated. We embraced the free day and ate whatever. I wasn't eating Twinkies for breakfast, but I wasn't counting the calories like they tell you to. But I do remember you were supposed to drink water in the morning, not coffee. Replenish your body. But it was like, eventually Dave and I just kind of were like, well, we really want our coffee and we really want this other thing. And so we kind of fell out of it, fell out of the diet, and never really got to that after picture that we wanted. And I think so many times this happens to all of us, and it may not be even fitness goals that you have, you know, for your New Year's resolution. Maybe it's something else. And we start out with good intentions. But they say, I mean, there's statistics behind this, that most people by February have given it up, whatever that thing was. And I think in marriage, you know, so many times we're making these individual goals, but we often forget that we need to make marriage goals, too. We need to make goals together as a couple. And with fitness, you know, we were doing, you know, body for life together. But I think that it goes beyond just fitness. I think it goes into things like how we communicate with each other. Maybe you don't go on a date night right now, and you're gonna commit to having a date night once a month or every two weeks or once a week even. Maybe you've never called a babysitter or tried to hire a babysitter and you're making a resolution like, we're finally going to find that good babysitter that we can depend on. We're gonna do interviews. We're gonna, you know, read reviews. If we're going to places like care.com and we're gonna commit to having a date night. I think we need to do things that we know are gonna foster our relationship. And what we forget is when we do things that are good for both of us collectively as a couple, we're gonna benefit individually as well.

I do think that all of us have this tendency to focus on individual goals, not just at New Year's, but all year round. And when we will look at it as how do we thrive as a couple, it will change your mindset. I think that's one of the biggest problems in modern marriage, is that we approach it so selfishly. It's all about, what can I get out of this? What do I need to do? For me. And how can I kind of use my spouse almost to help me achieve my goals instead of saying, how can I serve my spouse, help them with their goals? And even more importantly, how can we, together as a team, work towards a dream together? And that dream could be. It isn't like Ashley said, just necessarily fitness or financial or some of those things that we immediately think of around New Year's. But bigger than that, like, how can we serve together? How can we create a legacy together that's gonna outlive us? How can we combine our strengths in a way that's going to, you know, do something great? Some of you, this might be the year you need to launch a business together. And one of the, you know, we love podcasts. Hopefully you love the Naked Marriage podcast, and thank you for your reviews and sharing and subscribing and all that. But another one we like to listen to is called How I Built this.

We love it.

It's a story of interviewing entrepreneurs, people who started something and built it, and they just kind of tell the story of the struggle and all that. And. And one thing we love about the podcast is in so many of these stories, it's really a marriage story. It's a story of a couple working together, even if one of them was kind of the primary one driving it, either the wife or the husband, some of them, they did it completely as a team. But the way that a husband and wife support each other through that, nearly every one of these success stories has this component of, I could not have done this without my spouse. I could not have done this without that support. And. And that's so encouraging to us to hear. And really, it challenges us to think bigger thoughts because all of these people that we've listened to are just regular folks that have built extraordinary things by just dreaming together, not giving up, and working hard at something. And so for you listening to this right now, what is that thing that fear is the only thing holding you back from doing that big thing together? What is something you've dreamed about or talked about or even joked about because it seemed too big to be for real? Maybe this is the year that you really start developing a plan and start small, because the Bible says, don't despise the day of humble beginnings. You know, God desires to see the work begin and start small and work together to watch something grow. And it's so fulfilling to work together as a couple and watch things grow. And of course, we do that with our children, first and foremost. But beyond our kids who are going to grow up and leave. What are some other things, some other endeavors that you can do together?

I love that, sweetie. You know, I also think, too, that for some of you, your marriage, you know, the thought of thinking about starting a business or dreaming together, you're not quite there yet because you're in crisis. And if that's you listening, I am just hoping and praying that this year is the year that you both finally get the help that you need, that you don't give up, that you don't settle and think, well, this is just how it's gonna be. I'm just gonna kind of survive my marriage. But you both change your thinking and think, we're gonna thrive this year because we're gonna get help. We're gonna go, you know, on a vision retreat. We use this term a lot at marriage today, where you go away and you talk about, you know, what is God's vision for your marriage? And this can be in crisis. And if you're doing just fine, I mean, I think that's something healthy to do. Even if you're not fighting all the time, or even if you're just fighting your marriage, it really will take your marriage to the next level. I think some of you need to go to what we refer to as a crisis marriage retreat, where this is where you will both. And there's lots of places around the United States that do this. But you both will have your own counselor that kind of works on you individually, but then you also have counseling together and talk through the marital problems as well. And it's a good time to get away from your kids, your job, everything else you have going on, to solely focus on your marriage. And we see a lot of breakthroughs happen when people go on these.

Yes.

But I also think that when you come home from these, you've got to have ongoing Christian marriage counseling. It needs to be biblically based on, because you're gonna just get a wide variety of advice. That may not be the best advice if you're not having someone who has your same values talk to you and teach you how to make your marriage better. And so it's really important you go to a Christian counselor. But I want this year, for those of you who are struggling, to be the year of breakthrough, to be the year of restoration, to be the year where you have the kind of marriage you never thought you could have because you finally got the help that you needed. And I just wanna say real quick, too, and I know we've talked a lot about this in our podcasts, and in our videos and our writings. But there is absolutely no shame in admitting that you need help. You know, Dave and I, over the years, we've been to counselors several times over the years, and I would go tomorrow. I mean, if I feel like it would be something that would help us, I'd go tomorrow. I'd call. I know several people I could call, and I would do it in a heartbeat, because I believe that much in how it makes a marriage so much better, and it's healthy. And because it really brings things out in the open. And, you know, we can't expect things to just fix themselves. And so it's really important that when we're in crisis, we admit that it is a crisis. We don't expect it to just go away. And then we take the steps needed to find the help that we need.

I feel like making time for that. It's going to be so huge to say, I want to make this the year that we go to that retreat, that we go to get that help that we need. And maybe this is a year that you come to one of our XO events. You know, xomeric.com you can find. You know, our main event is at Gateway Church in South Lake, Texas, with simulcast locations broadcasting it live at churches all over the country. That's the weekend right before Valentine's Day. It's a great lineup. We would love, love, love for that to be part of your, you know, your calendar to make that Friday and Saturday something you do. And then we've got a tour coming where you can maybe come live to a city near you. And we would love to see you at one of those. But even with these big events, the big thing is to take what you learn and then to go home and implement it into your daily practices. Because it's really gonna be those daily habits, those daily disciplines that will make all the difference. And so what is gonna help you get those daily habits changed? We think one thing that can help is a marriage vision retreat. Yes, and Marriage vision retreat. And here's a website we're gonna give you. We gave you the xomarriage.com website. That's where you can find out about the XO Tour, which is a marriage conference tour we do here with marriage today. We'd love to see you there, Steemer. Here, give me the dirt.

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Sweet Ray Ban Meta Glasses available at Ray Ban stores and other authorized retailers. This next website is visionretreatjourney.com Vision Retreat is something you can do on your own anytime. You don't have to wait on the calendar for a specific date or go to a specific place. This is you and your spouse getting away uninterrupted, spending a day or two together with a guided resource to guide your discussion and really praying together, talking together, reconnecting and planning out a vision for what you want this year to look like and when you will carve out that time. And I know it's difficult. I know it's hard to get away, especially if you have young kids and you're in the season of life that we're in, where it's just. It's hard to get childcare. It's hard. It's difficult. But you'll never regret the struggle. You'll never regret the investment of time and effort you made to do this. Because that time together, away with your spouse, to do nothing but focus on your marriage. It is so crucial. Ashley and I could not do what we do if we weren't intentional, deliberate and consistent about getting away together with no other, no other priority, no other agenda than just reconnecting as a couple. And we get to travel and do some things that are fun. We serve alongside each other. We do these marriage conferences, but we don't even count that as our alone together couple time. We still have the date night. We still get away together and kind of do our own version of the Vision Retreat just by being away unplugged together, not talking about work, just reconnecting. And if that's not a regular part of your rhythm, man, you gotta get creative. You gotta make it happen. It will make a world of difference.

Oh, it does. You know, I can feel it when we don't have a regular date night. Like if we have just some busy weeks and we haven't been able to go out on a date night, which we strive to do every week. We try to go, try to go on one date night a week, you know, but if we can't, for some reason, if we have a bunch of stuff at night and we just can't make it happen, we can feel it like, we can feel it in our dynamic between one another. And there's been sometimes when we don't have a date scheduled, and then we'll find like a small window. And I'm like, sweetie, we have got to get away. Even if it's for two hours. We got two hours.

Let's make it happen.

Yeah. And we do. And we, you know, we've moved a lot. So I get some of you listening are like, well, I am not in my hometown. I don't have my parents here. I don't have my in laws here. I don't have, you know, siblings who can watch the kids. Everybody I trust, we've literally never had that. But I understand that it's hard to find someone you trust. But what you have to do is do the work. I mean, you have to, you have to meet them, you have to check references. Like every time that I've gotten a babysitter, I've gotten references and I call those references and I talk through how are they with multiple children, what are their strengths, what are their weaknesses, all that kind of stuff. I mean, just like, it's a real job. Cause it is a job. And they're taking care of the most important people in your life, your kids. And so it is a very big thing, a big decision that you're making and finding a babysitter that you trust. But I think so many times we can just be like, well, there's just nobody I can trust. And we can make that assumption. And so we just never go on a date. And it really, really hurts our marriage. We need to have that time, especially in the child rearing years, we need to have that time away because it's just such a busy time. It's such a stressful time. It's beautiful, it's awesome. But it is an all hands on deck time. And so we need to be really intentional about getting away together, even if it's for an hour. I mean, there's been moments where when we lived in Augusta, Georgia, there's this beautiful canal, the Augusta Canal, where there's a walking trail. And there were some nights where we could find a babysitter for literally like just an hour, an hour and a half. And we would literally just Go walk the entire time down the Augusta Canal. I can't tell you how many miles we have probably walked on that canal.

Over exaggerating. I can say we walked at least a thousand miles together over the course of the decade. We lived there. And those thousand miles outside with fresh air, side by side, walking and talking. I'm telling you, it shaped our marriage.

It did.

Those thousand miles together, it just truly shaped our marriage. I mean, I'm just like reflecting back to the talks and the. And just those moments, man, your marriage needs. You need that. You need those miles together, hand in hand, side by side. Even if you're not physically, you know, walking outside in some beautiful place, but you need to be together. And for all these things we're talking about, the time together, the date nights, the conferences, the vision retreat, maybe your head's spinning and you're just like, man, you're talking about a fantasy land that I don't live in because I don't know how to be able to do that now. A lot of the stuff we're talking about doesn't really carry much or any expense. You know, you can do this vision retreat thing, you know, essentially for free. Other than whatever money you choose to spend. It really comes down to childcare. And so even though you were talking about New Year, new you, new goals, renewed time as a couple, just really practical. Let us say a few things about childcare, because over and over again, we hear this as the excuse, and I know it's a legitimate cause.

It can be expensive, it can be financial issues sometimes.

It can also be the cop out, the go to cop out that we've known so many people, people even who have means that'll live a place for years and never develop any kind of consistent childcare, so they feel helpless to ever go anywhere. And it just strangles a marriage. And so you have got to prioritize this and kind of trying to be the. And I'm gonna step on some toes here, but I don't care. Cause your marriage is worth it. Some people love to be this martyr where they feel like, I just care so much about my children that I would never leave them in the care of anybody else.

Oh, yeah.

And that's just a misguided approach. I'm sorry. I know we have to protect our kids. Absolutely. But for you to feel like for 18 years of their life, you have to, like, hover over them and nobody else is allowed to interact with them outside of your presence, you're gonna create some weird children with codependent tendencies. And you're going to have a really messed up marriage. So nobody's going to win in that.

Well. And they'll be fearful because they've never interacted with people who they're not related to. I mean, it's really unhealthy.

I get it. That you. You have to be cautious, that you want to get people that you trust. I totally get that. But if you are allowing fear to keep you from taking that step and finding childcare, you're sabotaging your marriage. And here's the worst part of it. You're actually sabotaging your children because you're creating this unhealthy dynamic in the home without even meaning to, without even realizing it. I know that I'm gonna get some, like, angry emails about that. And I know that you mean well, if that's your mindset, absolutely. But we're trying to set you free. We're trying to help. We're trying to help your marriage here. And so there are good people out there that would be happy to watch your kids. But like Ashley said, you have to do the work. You have to do the background checks. Yeah.

I mean, it takes time. It does. And, you know, I'm telling you all, if there's no other resolution you make as a couple, let this be your resolution. Cause especially as parents, it will. Like Dave said, it's going to bless your marriage, but it's also gonna bless your kids. You know, we have a babysitter, Kara, who we just love. And I met her through my neighbor, actually, and she's in her mid to late 20s, and they don't have kids yet. And she has just poured into our kids. I mean, she is their favorite babysitter. I mean, a huge gift. It was so sweet. The other day, I was talking to my mom on the phone, and Kara had been caring for our kids, and our kids had been calling their grandparents kind of as she was caring for them. And mom said, you know, it's so sweet. When I was asking how things were going with Cara Connor, who's our second son, said, well, she's just like a member of the family. I mean, that's how we look at her, and she really is. And that's how a babysitter can become in your family when you use them consistently. And then it's not this horrible tragedy when you leave and go on your date or go on your trip or whatever it is, but it takes time. I mean, this has taken time. This has taken a lot of trust. It's taken Care of being consistently amazing, you know? Cause sometimes you find a sitter and they're not the greatest thing in the world, but you just keep on looking for that person. And so I know we've harped a lot on this, but I do think that this is a very amazing resolution you could make for your marriage and for your family. So some of you listening, this is it.

This is it. We did not plan on talking about this so much, but I really feel like that there are a lot of people listening. And this is the thing that you need to be challenged to say this year. Our resolution together is we're gonna spend time together away from the kids and it's gonna be good for us. And honestly, it's gonna be good for your kids too. If you get somebody that's good, they're gonna be better off because your marriage is better off. So kind of circling back to where we started, don't make your goals this year just about you. This is a time of year when a lot of us, without meaning to, we create these self focused, selfish resolutions that are really all about us personally. And yeah, I'm all for personal self improvement. I get that. But don't leave your spouse out of this process. As you're talking together, as you're dreaming together, as you're making goals together, do it. That word together is really the key word, not just his and hers. Even though there will be some of that and support each other in that, but find those things you can do together.

You know, I've seen kind of where, I know we've talked a lot about fitness, but I've seen where when one spouse really makes these fitness goals and really goes after it hard and the other really doesn't value it or is kind of not in the picture. And I'm not saying either are to blame. It's kind of both. Like the spouse that's really going after the goals isn't including their spouse, but also their spouse really doesn't care. And it makes them have, you know, some distance between them. I mean, we've seen where one spouse gets so in such great shape and they meet people at their gym and they meet people at their classes, that they start spending more time with those people than they do with their spouse. And then it becomes like this issue in their marriage. We don't want that to happen to you guys. So it's important that you really keep your spouse in the picture, even if it's your individual goal. You know, try to encourage each other in becoming your best selves you know, individually and together. And I know Dave and I, like, I guess it was last year or maybe earlier this year, I can't remember, I tried keto. It was a big thing with a lot of our friends, and I was so gung ho, I was like, we gotta do the keto diet. It's basically a low carb, high fat diet where people lose a lot of weight kind of in the beginning, and it's healthy for some people. And so I was going full force for it and with it. And I really wanted Dave to do it, but Dave was not as on board. I mean, he kind of, you know, indulged me for a little bit.

I didn't take along temporarily, but my heart was not in it.

It was not in it.

I did not have the right attitude. I found that I like the high fat part, but I also like the carbs. So, like, I wanted to do, like, my own version where I had a lot of protein and fat, but I also had chips and cake.

That's right.

And apparently that's not a diet plan anywhere. So I was very disappointed.

Well, and in that moment, I could be like, you have abandoned me. Like, why did you abandon me? I thought we were doing this together. I could have let this turn into a big fight, but instead I'm like, you know what? Maybe it's gonna work for me. And it may not necessarily work for Dave, but he's still supporting me in it. He's not preventing me from doing it just because he's not doing it. I think we have to take all of this in perspective and realize that whatever goal we have, it's not worth, you know, putting our marriage on the altar for that goal. We can't do that. We can't do something at the expense of our marriage. And so whatever that goal is, we need to make sure it's in line with our values. We need to make sure that it's not going to infringe on making our marriage a priority. And so if your spouse ends up falling off the wagon, please don't hate them for it. Don't make them feel terrible for it.

It's not worth it. Do as much as you can together. But some of these things support each other in it. You know, like I like to go jogging or playing basketball for exercise. Ashley's not into either of those things, but she. She supports me in doing that. And she's, you know, into other stuff. But then together as much as we can, we'll go walking and we'll share that. You know, we've got completely different diet ideas, like, I hate, hate most, kind of like structured diet plans. I just have to say, look, I've got to just. I know what I need to eat and what I shouldn't eat, but I have to have the freedom within that right? And if you're making this a litmus test of, like, spouse, if you don't do this with me, of equal effort that I'm given, then you don't love me and you don't care about our marriage. Whenever you're making these ultimatums, you're really setting yourself up for a lot of failure and disappointment, and you're putting a wedge between you. You're not creating a partnership. So support each other, do as much as you can together. Cheer each other on, but also don't forget to laugh and give each other a lot of freedom, too, because bottom line is, even if you fall off the wagon for a specific New Year's resolution, the one goal that is most important, that's lifelong, not just for January, is staying committed to each other no matter what. And so never lose sight of that goal.

It's so true, sweetie. You know, thank you guys so much for listening. We love hearing from you. Please write us@marriagetoday.com, let us know how you're liking the podcast, but also let us know other topics that you'd like to hear. Please subscribe if you haven't already. And we just appreciate you for listening. So have a happy new Year, set those goals, and enjoy it with your spouse.

Thanks, guys.