Our In-Laws Are Splitting Us Apart // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day Q and A time. Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

I feel like my mother in law plays me and my husband against each other. Not only that, but she expects him to take care of her. She says it's his job. And I really feel like eventually it's going to cause problems between the two of us. She is the main reason why me and my husband argue. She's so manipulating. What advice would you give? And this is tough because the son, the husband is caught in this position of feeling like I need to honor my mom. That's biblical. Honor your father and mother. But at the same time, when it starts happening at the expense of your marriage, then that gets really out of bounds. Because God's laws of priority he places for relationships, your spouse and your marriage has to become your very first priority. And we see this dynamic, when we see this dynamic the most, the one being described here, it's usually where either that in law, that mother in law in this case is either single through divorce or through being a widow or if she is married, it's not a strong marriage. And that like she doesn't have like partnership there. And so she leans on a child for kind of a codependent level of getting spouse level support, emotional support or whatever kind of support from a child instead of from a spouse because the spouse isn't there or isn't isn't there in the way they want him to be there. And that gets really messy.

It does. And you know, I'm sure that her husband feels very much caught in the middle. And that's why it's such a dilemma. I mean, really, because we want to have good relationships with our parents and with our in laws. But when they kind of pin us against, you know, between our spouse and them, it's like it's either us or your spouse. You know, it's just a terrible place to be and it really does. It causes so much friction. And I, you know, I can tell that she has compassion for her husband. Like I don't feel like this, this wife Is like, you know, throwing him under the bus or anything. I think she has compassion, but she mentioned in here that literally, like almost every fight they have is because of her. And so clearly there needs to be boundaries put in place. And that's the key word here is boundaries. Now what's so hard when it comes to putting boundaries between you and your in laws or your parents is they may not like it. And that's the hard part of this. And I don't know what kind of personality your husband has, but if he tends to be a pleaser, that's the hardest thing for a pleaser to do because, and this is coming from a pleaser here, okay, is we want everybody to be okay. We don't wanna rock the boat. We want everything to be okay. And that can be a good thing on one hand because we do tend to be peacemakers, but God never called us to be peacemakers to the extent that we become a doormat. And I think right now your mother in law has crossed the line and she's kind of creating a doormat out of your husband in this situation. And she may or may not realize.

That like you said, she's doing things to try to put a wedge between you and your husband that is so far out of bounds. Anybody that's coming to put a wedge between you and your spouse, that is, that, that's so unhealthy.

Well, and she said manipulative.

That's the word that is. And that's. You have to. Not to interject, interrupt, but yeah, go right. Just agreeing with you that and agreeing with the person who wrote this. Like you're not crazy for feeling this way. Like you're right to want your husband. You know, you're right to want unity in your marriage and to not have any outside force, even a relative, creating division and distraction to the level that is happening here. And so just really practical to try to kind of focus on some solutions. The first thing is you and your husband, or if you're in a situation like this with an in law, whoever might be listening out there, you've got to get unity in your marriage of what this should look like.

Yes.

Because right now it sounds like there's not unity that he feels one way, you feel another way. And it often takes a third party outside the family, a professional Christian mediator, counselor, to come in and help you guys find unity as a first step. We have marriage mediators here at ExoMarriage that are amazing at this. It's a safe place for you to have These conversations via phone or Skype, you can find them@xomarriage.com help and if you'll go there or meet with a counselor or trusted mentor in your area that's not a relative, that doesn't have any, you know, any underlying, you know, allegiances that are going to make them impartial, less, less partial. Meet with somebody and that conversation or those series of conversations could really help get you unstuck, help you realize where some things are out of bounds. Because to your husband, if he, if he's grown up with his mom acting this way, it feels normal for him. Something can feel normal even if it's unhealthy, if it happens long enough, and if you grew up in a household where, you know, the parents leaned on the kids for codependent relationships and you know, there was, there was unhealthy dynamics, then you're going to grow up feeling like that's normal and that's healthy. And it might take somebody from the outside saying now here, biblically and practically is why that's unhealthy and why you and your spouse need to have a unified plan for moving forward, you know, Absolutely.

And I know this is delicate and I don't know your mother in law and I don't know her personality and maybe there are some real needs that she has that she cannot do herself, you know, especially if she is a widow and there's no other kids who can help. There are some needs that maybe your husband and you, you know, speaking to the wife here, could help out with or maybe if you have kids who are old enough to help too, the grandkids can help out with, with those things. And so here's what I think needs to happen is you need to sit down with your husband and talk through these things and say, like, listen, we've got to put some boundaries in place. So how about this? How about we decide by looking at our family schedule, the two of us being autonomous adults in a marriage, in a family where we need to make our own decisions. Let's look at our calendar and say, okay, on this day or this day, maybe it's one or two days a week. Those are the days that we can help your mother. Okay? And we will, we will designate those days or those hours, however it needs to look. It's gonna look different in every family, but particularly in this family, like maybe a certain, like on Saturdays from, you know, 10 to 3, we're gonna help her do these different things that she needs us to do and then say, okay, I'm gonna bring this. You know, your husband being the son, whoever's in law is the one with the issue. It needs to be that child that goes, like, if it's your mom who's creating the issue, you, you need to go to your mom yourself and address the issue with her, because she's gonna forgive you a lot more in time than she will with your spouse. Okay. If that makes sense. Am I saying that in a clear way? Because we've just seen where this can backfire. So, you know, your husband needs to go to his mom and say, mom, we love you so much. But I'm finding that these demands you're putting on me are unrealistic. And it's really hurting my marriage. And I know as my mom, you want me to have a good marriage, you raised me to want a good marriage, mom. And you may not realize, like, give her the benefit of the doubt. You probably don't realize that these demands are hurting us. And if she and a lot of in laws who are, you know, in the dynamic of putting their, their son or daughter against the, their spouse, they may say, well, it's all her fault. It's all your wife's fault. She's the one trying to take you from me. He needs to stand very strong and say, no, I, I am my own man here, coming to you as your son, saying, I love my wife and I can't let this lack of boundaries and these consistent demands hurt my marriage. And mom, because I love you, because I respect you, I'm coming to you and saying, here are the days that we can help you. Cause we want to help you. We're a family. We wanna have a good relationship with you, but we can't just do it on a whim.

And it can't all be on your terms.

It can't all be on your terms. I'm a grown man now. I have my own wife and family. And I need you to understand that we wanna help you. But you. But sometimes you're gonna have to give a little. And here's what's gonna happen. Most likely she's gonna kick and scream. Okay, I'm just gonna tell you.

She's used to getting her way.

She's used to getting in her way. She's gonna kick and scream. She's gonna maybe call names. I don't know what her style is. Or she may do the silent treatment, which maybe you think is like the greatest gift you'd ever had.

No, she thinks she's punishing you and you're like my life just got a whole lot easier. She's not calling at all.

But we know in all seriousness that's not healthy, right? The goal is to have a good relationship here, but, but to have it within healthy boundaries. And so let's say she gives you the cold silent treatment, so be it. But you guys as a husband and wife have to stick to your boundaries. And that's where this is the hardest thing to do because it's so easy to go back to old ways and say, well, let's just deal with her. She's used to getting her way and so her making a fuss is worse. Let's just give her what she wants. Do not do that because you're feeding the monster. And, and I don't mean that, that she's a monster, but you're feeding that thing inside of her that is okay. She, she's, you know, she, she's been allowed to get her way for a while and so it's made her expect that. And it creates, whenever we as people are in that dynamic, it brings out the worst side of us. And so by you not being enablers and really setting healthy boundaries and then following through with those boundaries in the most loving and caring and respectful way possible, I promise you, in time, and I can't give you a specific time, but in time, she will eventually respect those boundaries because she wants to have a relationship with you guys.

It's so true. And if you need a book to help you establish those boundaries, like I said, hopefully eventually we're going to have our in law book out here.

It will be super specific to this.

Which will be very specific. But in the meantime, there's a classic Christian book called Boundaries by doctors John Townsend and Henry Cloud that just brilliantly outlines the, the biblical case for this and the practical ways that this can look and gives you the words, gives you the tools, and it could really help. In the meantime, keep praying, praying for unity in your marriage, praying for your mother in law. Because the bottom line is she's probably a hurting person who herself just has the same human needs we all have. She wants to be loved, she wants to feel protected and provided for. And yes, she's going about meeting those needs in an unhealthy way right now and in a manipulative way. But the needs themselves are natural needs. And so pray that you'd have compassion for her, but also pray specifically for solutions and for the courage and strength to put those boundaries in place that we've talked about. And you know what? In time Things will get healthier, but it usually gets a little harder before it gets better. But you gotta stay the course and honor, keep honoring your mom. But realize that honoring your parents in adulthood no longer means obeying them. When you're a child. Honoring your parents means obeying your parents as an adult. That's not at all what it means. And sometimes you're gonna have to go against what they want for you. Because the best way to honor them and honor God and honor your marriage is to say no and go ahead.

Absolutely. And I just wanna say too, to add to that, and Dave often, he so wisely has spoken to this sometimes as our parents age and as we grow up and we're on our own, sometimes honoring our parents is forgiving our parents. Even if an apology never comes. Because what you don't want to happen is to live in resentment towards your mom to the point or towards your mother in law to the point where there's no longer a healthy relationship at all. And there's been so much hurt and disrespect going on, maybe even if it's one sided, that you're not able to have that relationship. And I know that's not your heart, I mean, I can tell that this wife who wrote us, that's not her heart, she wants to have peace in all those relationships. And so the best thing as the wife that you can do since she's your mother in law, she's not your mom, she's your mother in law, is bite your tongue and bite it hard, okay? Because you don't wanna say something that she's gonna hold his ammo and that you're gonna regret later. Because the ultimate goal is that one day you guys can have an amicable and maybe even enjoyable relationship.

Yeah, that's the goal and that's our prayer for you is would bring so much healing that you go from just surviving this dynamic to actually having a thriving, mutually beneficial friendship and connection and multi generational gift there. So we're praying that for you and for everybody in that dynamic. Again, if you want to talk with someone to help you navigate the road ahead, our marriage mediators are an amazing resource. You can reach them at www.xomarriage.com.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram Avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day. Q and A.