Out of Control Anger

You're basking on a beach in the Bahamas. Now you're journeying through the jade forests of Japan. Now you're there for your alma mater's epic win. And now you're awake. Womp, womp. Which means it was all a dream. But with millions of incredible deals on Priceline, those travel dreams can be a reality. Download the Priceline app today, and you can save up to 60% off hotels and up to 50% off flights. So don't just dream about that trip. Book it with Priceline Audio. Happy price, Priceline. Hey, guys. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we Undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love.

And as always, we are so glad that you're joining with us. We've got a really serious topic today. We've received a lot of messages about this issue and just the issue of anger in marriage and when one spouse is just kind of angry all the time, what to do with that. And so let's just dive straight in. We're going to have a great discussion about it.

You know, I'm so glad we're gonna talk about this topic today, because I've actually been getting a lot of emails about this recently. You know, we hear from couples all the time, and we love it when we hear from you all. And there's been this one topic that keeps on coming up, and that's the issue of anger in marriage. And this can be, you know, from both spouses. And it's. It really has to do with how do we handle anger in marriage. Whether we're the angry ones or if our spouse is angry at us, how do we handle that and how do we approach that in a healthy way?

And every marriage, like Ashley said, is going to deal with some anger because anger is just a natural human emotion. And anger, by the way, itself is not even a sin. I think sometimes we think anger is a sin. The truth is, anger can lead to a lot of sin. But Jesus himself got angry. I mean, Jesus, who's perfect and never sinned, he got angry. I mean, there was a time he flipped over the money changers tables and drove people out with whips. And because there was this righteous anger, there were times he was angry over hypocrisy or people, you know, mistreating those who were. Who were children or those who were weak. He would get angry about things. There are going to be times where you feel anger, and it might even be a justified anger. But the Bible has so much to say about what we do in our anger, because anger, like I said, can so quickly lead to sin. I love what the book of James says. It says, dear brothers and sisters, we must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. And I think that is one of the most important marriage verses, even though it's not just about marriage, it's about all situations. But if you and your spouse will say, I want to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, that can transform your marriage. That can break the cycle of anger and negativity in a marriage.

Absolutely. And I think so many times when we get angry, you know, we sometimes keep it inside. I think there's a lot of people where their spouse may not even know exactly what's going on, but they're really angry inside and resentful of their spouse, and so they're shutting down. And maybe that's you listening. Maybe you're like, well, I'm not yelling at my spouse, but I am angry at my spouse. And maybe your response to anger is you don't talk to your spouse. And so you kind of give your spouse the cold shoulder. That is literally just as dangerous as unleashing, you know, nasty words on your spouse. Because when you shut down and you refuse to talk and you start just kind of going about life like you're kind of a zombie and not really engaging with your spouse, that is really dangerous because you're shutting down the communication. You know, when we're angry, we need to tell our spouse, but we need to tell them before it boils over and we're lashing out at everybody. You know, we don't want to be like a can of Coke that gets shaken and then somebody opens it and it speaks. Instead, we need to tell them what's going on with us as soon as we're feeling it and ask them and say, you know, why did you do that? That really made me feel hurt. It really makes me angry when you do that. And when we say it calmly, we're not causing more problems. And we talk a lot on this podcast about communication. And one of our things we always say is we need to be like water to our spouse's fire, not gasoline. And in the same way, we can be like water to whatever issue is going on in our marriage.

We.

When we talk about our feelings, our disappointments, what's making us angry, instead of just lashing out at our spouse or shutting down completely. So we've gotta be really honest. I mean, that's really a huge part of the naked marriage, about having a naked marriage is being honest. But how we are honest about those things is everything.

You've gotta tell the truth. But the Bible, again, says you've got to speak the truth in love.

Right?

Sometimes we think we have the spiritual gift of criticism. Or we can just angrily yell and say, well, this is the truth. I'm just speaking the truth. But if there's not love and tenderness in it, then it's damaging. It's just as damaging as a lie would be. And we've got to keep that in mind. And I think that when we do blow it, when we kind of cross that line and we said something in anger that was hurtful or that our tone was hurtful, because tone matters too, you know, not just the words themselves, but tone. And, you know, we've got to take a step back, take responsibility and apologize for it. I found myself having to apologize a lot lately. My kids, for some reason, have just been pushing my buttons in a unique way. And it's over stupid stuff like never plugging in cell phones, you know? And I'm like, how many times have I had to tell you? Cause it's so disrespectful, and it's just stupid that we would, like, have 10 different chargers and no phone is ever charged up because nobody plugs it in. And, like, sometimes something will happen, like, a phone will be dead, and I'll need it, and I'll, like, yell, yell at the kids. I know that's not the best. I know that that's not healthy. And again, I think that it's okay for them to see frustration in us that perhaps even their poor choice has caused. But when I handle it in anger and I respond in anger, it never has what I want it to do. It just creates more tension. And so I've had to go back and apologize a lot, because that's a cycle that I get in. You know, we talk about things that. Not that we've mastered, but things that we're learning. We're wanting to come on this journey with you guys, right where you are in your marriage. Not as some kind of, like, guru who has it all figured out, because that doesn't even exist, but just as people who are in the journey, in the journey together. And this anger deal is a real thing. I mean, it's something we all have to face. Sometimes it is.

And I wanna make this real clear. Dave was sharing something kind of about our kids and how sometimes our kids can hit our buttons, but how you address your spouse how you talk to your spouse is usually how your kids are going to talk to your spouse. And so we have to realize too the kind of respect that, that we're showing our spouse is really gonna carry out into our children. And we have to talk to our spouse with respect. And when we are angry, even we need to show respect. And that takes restraint. And I think that verse, you know, being slow to anger is really, it comes down to prayer number one, really praying, especially when you're dealing with something, praying before you even, you know, approach the subject, really pray about it. But number two, also assuming the best. I can't say that enough because I think that it helps slow down that anger and say, well, I know they didn't mean that. Yes, it made me angry. And that's okay if it made you angry, but they love me. But their intentions are good.

But what happens when we're angry if we don't assume the best, we start thinking he always is just trying to, just trying to hurt me. They're probably not, because when we're angry, it makes us self focused a lot of times, you know, it makes us just look at ourselves. We're not even thinking about how we're impacting other people. And so we need to step outside of that selfishness and realize how we're impacting other people. But assume the best think, you know, my spouse, they responded in a way that was uncharacteristic. They're probably just really going through something and instead of taking offense, I need to come alongside them and say, how can I help you? How can I light you up?

What's going on?

What's going on? And then to really talk about it. Because a lot of times our anger is, it's a manifestation of something else we're dealing with that has nothing to do with our spouse. You know, we might bring work stress home, we might bring stress about our finances or something else that your spouse might not even have anything to do with. And yet we'll respond in anger toward them because of something else we're facing. And so the remedy for that is to communicate about everything, to say, listen sweetie, this is something I'm dealing with at work. I don't mean to bring this pressure home, but it's bottled up. I'm not sure how to deal with this. And that tension is spilling over at home and I'm sorry about that, but it opens up a conversation for you to really have a dialogue.

You know, we went through this years ago. We had moved and Dave had a job that Was kind of had a lot of stressful factors. And at first, I didn't really know the details. At that time, I was at home. We had only two kids at the time, and so I was at home, and I didn't know what was going on. And he would come home, and I could just tell he was just ticked off, like, right when he walked in the door. And then you have two young kids come in. Daddy. Daddy. And you could see on his face, even though he was glad to be home, it was just, like, more pressure, more stress.

And.

And so I. At first, I would think he was mad at me, and I would say, are you mad at me? What did I do? Are you mad at me? And he would get frustrated that I thought he was mad at him or that I thought he was mad at me. And then finally, it was like I just realized I needed to change my approach to Dave, and I reworded it, and I would say, hey, what's going on? Or, what's wrong? I can tell something's not right. And so it's not accusing him. It's really caring for him. And whenever I. When I. And I still to this day do that, I'm like, hey, are you okay? Like, what's going on? He. It's more saying, like, share with me what you're feeling, because I can tell on your face and in your body language that you're. You're angry. And that tends to diffuse anything, because then he can actually tell me about it.

Yeah. It's hard to be angry at someone who really, genuinely wants to help you.

Right?

But I have to know your spouse isn't a mind reader. Like, I couldn't expect Ashley to just know everything that was in my head. That. And in my mind, naively, I thought I'm protecting her by not telling her anything because I don't want to bring all that work stress home. But I realized, no. She has a need and a right to know everything that's happening in my mind and in my world. And I want to invite her in so that we can face it together, even if it is something at my job. Everything in marriage is a challenge we can face together as a team. And I'm so thankful to have a spouse and partner and best friend in Ashley who's willing to do that with me so I don't have to fight those battles alone.

I know. And I want to say to the person who's angry, though, if your spouse comes to you and says, hey, I can tell something's bothering you. Tell Them what's bothering you in a nice way. Don't just say nothing or I don't feel like talking about it. Cause I remember in those days it was some really hard days. Cause moving's hard, new jobs are hard, and raising young kids is also hard. So it was a really hard time for us. And I remember at first Dave would say it's work. But I really don't feel like talking about it right now. Cause he honestly didn't want to talk about it. But then he saw like. And I would honestly be disappointed. Cause I was like, I just want to know what's going on. And I think he would later on he was like, I need to bring her in this. And there were times where, you know, Dave had been kind of just knocked down so much by different. Just he was constantly trying to put out fires at work and just different situations that he didn't have a lot of control out of. He would get frustrated by. And talking to me as one who is not involved, I was sometimes able to walk him, you know, kind of bring him down from being so angry. Because I would say, well, when I see this, I don't think that person meant that. Like I think that, you know, they're for you in this situation. They're not against you. I think sometimes it's good, you know, our spouse can sometimes offer us a perspective that we, we couldn't otherwise have and so bring each other into whatever's going on because then they, they can have more understanding towards you as well. And you're less likely to just unleash and have like this, what I like to refer to as word vomit on them. And instead you bring them into the picture and really they're going to listen to you. But they can also offer you some advice. Some people think nature is like this.

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That is great, great wisdom. And so it kind of leads into the next level of anger when it's not just situational anger. Like I'm dealing with something stressful and it's making me angry. But like, one spouse has a mindset and an attitude where they're just angry all the time, they're hot tempered all the time, and everybody else in the household feels like they have to walk on eggshells around that person. And if you grew up in a house like that with one parent who was always mad or who was, you know, just always volatile and, you know, that can create such tension in a home and such volatility. And some of us, you know, are carrying around scars still of, you know, growing up in situations like that. So let's not create situations like that in our own home. Let's, you know, by being that bullying, dominating spouse, that angry spouse. So what do you do if you're the spouse who's like, okay, I feel like I'm pretty level headed, but my wife, my husband all the time is angry and I just, I don't know what to do with that. And whenever I try to lovingly, you know, offer help the way that Ashley, you know, did to me in that season, instead of them accepting and receiving that, it's like they'll even lash out at me sometimes. And I feel like I can't do anything right and that's just a terrible place to be. And so, sweetie, what are some of your, your thoughts on that?

I would say I, you know, it is a tough situation because sometimes the angry spouse doesn't even realize how they're coming off. And this is one of those situations. I've heard this can work, especially if this is like a, an ongoing issue. I would, and I know this is gonna step on some toes, but I think our spouse needs to see how they really are. And I would set up a cell phone somewhere where you catch them in the act of being angry. And I know that sounds like, whoa, that would not work, but I've heard that this actually works because they don't realize how they're coming off half the time. And sometimes we just need to see it. We need to see how we're treating our families. And it's not like, see, you're just terrible. I wouldn't bring it to your spouse that way. I would just say, sweetie, listen, I'm really worried about you. If you come from that standpoint, I'm concerned. I don't know why you get so angry. And this is how this comes off. And I wanna share something with you. I wanna show you how this is how the kids and I see you when you get into your tirades when you are unleashing on us, I think.

You realize how you're coming across. Cause I know you love us.

I know you love us and believe.

The best in them. Again, start with believing the best. I know you love us. I know you're for us. And I don't think you realize, but I wanted you to see. Not in a way to try to, like, condemn you or trap you, but I just wanted you to see how you come across. Because this. I don't. I think that if you could see what we're seeing, what we see, that you would want to do things differently. And hopefully that'll lead to a place of openness, some openness again. If they get real super defensive there, then, you know, that can create a whole different set of issues. I think that counseling. Counseling is a good next step in any of these situations. Meeting together with a Christian counselor. That angry spouse might also need to meet alone to kind of get to the root of. Where is this anger coming from? What is it in me that because people are like a tube of toothpaste, when you squeeze them, you see what's really inside because of what comes out. And if every time you get squeezed, anger and rage is what comes out, there's something on the inside that needs to be addressed. Absolutely. And God wants to bring healing to that. But oftentimes we. You need to work with a trusted, trained counselor to help you get to the root of that. And so have the courage to do that. And for the spouse who says, well, it's my. My. My spouse is the one who's angry. Have the courage to. To encourage them to do that.

And I think if you also take the standpoint of, you know, sweetie, I'd want to know. I'd wanna know how I. How I'm coming off. Because I think most of us, we don't wanna. We don't wanna bust up our families. We don't want our families to hate us or walk on eggshells or just feel broken down all the time. We wanna be good spouses. We want to be good moms and dads. And so I would approach. If you're gonna do the, you know, where you basically film them kind of in the act of being angry and unleashing on you, if you come from that standpoint and that. I just wanna make that very clear that that's. If it's been an ongoing problem, nothing else has worked, and you're just trying to get their attention. I know for a fact it's effective. I've heard several stories of people that I know where they were caught in this cycle of anger constantly. And the spouse was like, we're at the end of our rope. Because he or she does not realize how they're coming off. And they did film them and they were shocked by the footage. And there's one story in particular about a man who just had no idea. He said, I had no idea how I was coming off. And it was an eye opener for me. And I realized I need help. Cause sometimes we just. We need to see ourselves. We need to see what the damage that we're doing and. And not just hear it from our spouse. You know, sometimes we're so stubborn that we don't take our spouse at their word. Cause we're angry. Cause we're shut off from them. And so sometimes we have to see it. So I encourage you, if you. If your spouse comes to you and they're that concerned and they want to show you a video of you and how angry you get, please be receptive because they love you. They love you and they want things to work and they want things to be better in your home and in your marriage. And so please be receptive and get that help. The next step after that would be to go to a Christian counselor, maybe have some anger management, find out how can I deal with this? Cause this is unhealthy. This is destroying my relationships. And have the humility to humble yourself and know that none of us are perfect. We all have issues. Anger is one of many issues that we can deal with. And humble yourself before the Lord, seek his forgiveness. But then also humble yourself before your spouse and your kids and say, listen, I messed up. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize how damaging this was. I'm going to get help. Please forgive me.

And that's great advice. That word humble, you know, that's really the key. The Bible says God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. And it says that really throughout. The book of Proverbs in particular, has a lot to say about how pride comes before a fall. But those who choose the path of being humble or humility, that's where healing really happens. And pride is really just the mindset that says, I'm going to do things my way, and nobody can tell me any different. Being humble is a mindset that says, you know, I have. I have more to learn and I'm going to do it things God's way, and I'm going to be open to doing things differently than I'M doing them now. Right? And pride destroys marriages. Humility heals marriages. It really is that simple. And as it relates to this issue of being, you know, the dominant spouse or angry all the time, man, humility is so needed. We actually did an entire previous episode that you can look up on. You know, what to do when you have kind of a dominant, bullying spouse. And so there's a little bit of overlap, but we're talking in this episode about it in a little bit of a different way. So if you've been that one who's angry, how do you apologize correctly? And I think sometimes we totally miss the boat on this. And there was an old movie and had this famous line that says, being in love means never having to say you're sorry. And whoever wrote that line has probably been divorced 10 times, because that is the worst relationship advice I've ever heard. Being in love means I want to be quick, quick to admit faults. And a real apology is about so much more than just like, a casual I'm sorry, or what's even worse, I'm sorry with an excuse like, I'm sorry, but you always make me do this, or I'm sorry if you got your.

Feelings hurt, or I'm sorry you feel that way.

Oh, that's the worst way to say insulting, man. Just don't even say anything. A real apology has, you know, several key elements. It is fully accepting responsibility. It is admitting fault, which means, like, agreeing that what you did was wrong, not just from your spouse's perspective. Oh, what you did was wrong. You crossed the line. Three, humbly asking their forgiveness. And then four, like, actively seeking to make it right to heal whatever you broke. And then five, consistently through changed behavior, showing your sorrow by not doing it again and by, you know, doing things in a different way. Changed behavior is actually the best evidence of a real apology. Just saying you're sorry doesn't really mean much. If nothing, nothing changes.

Well, and I think sometimes, you know, we hear from a lot of couples where they say, well, my spouse, you know, is unleashes on me, calls me names and is angry and spewing at me all the time. And then he or she will say, I'm so sorry, and they'll be good for a couple days, and they'll do the same thing over again. That's still having, you know, an ongoing problem with anger. And it doesn't mean that we're going to be perfect. You know, certainly we can. We can mess up, but I think that we need to get to a Place where the anger, the angry response is not our go to. And that takes practice. It takes being very intentional. And I would even say it takes biting your tongue sometimes, because if you're accustomed to just, you know, go into, like, whenever anything doesn't go your way, just unleashing on your spouse or coming home and just complaining about your day and being mad at them and barking orders at everybody and just being negative all the time, it's gonna take a lot of time to train your tongue, so to speak. And so I would even challenge you if you tend to come home angry. I would talk to your spouse first and foremost and say, listen, I realize I'm coming home angry. I'm getting really enraged, and it's not your fault. I'm so sorry. What I need is I'm gonna take five more minutes in my car before I walk in, because I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna listen to some worship music. I'm gonna take a moment so that my mind and heart can be in the right place before I come in this house. And I guarantee you it'll change things. Just that five minutes. Because, you know, there's a lot of times we can't control our circumstances. You know, maybe your work environment is rough. Maybe you're at home with small children and it is just all day. You feel like you're pouring out and you're exhausted. Even for, like, the parent at home with kids. Just take a moment when your spouse comes in that door from work. You go to a room and you take five minutes and you pray and you listen to music and you come down from the day and you will approach your spouse and your and your kids in a much better way. We have to be able to take those steps that we need to be at our best. And that's okay if it takes a moment, you know, to collect ourselves, because we don't want to be, you know, being nice to perfect strangers and then just giving our spouse our leftovers or just unleashing on them whenever we feel like it. We want to give our family our very best, and we want to give them respect. We want to give them love. And sometimes, if our environment tends to be stressful, we need to take a moment to just get right with the Lord and to get right in our mind and heart before we come to them. And when we do that, when we consistently practice that, that will be our go to. That will become our new norm, and we'll have much less anger in our hearts.

Yeah, God wants to do a work not Only in our marriages, but in our hearts, because everything starts there. The heart, the mind, it starts within us. And if you're listening to this and you've fallen into a pattern of anger, and I can relate. I mean, there have been a lot of seasons not directed toward Ashley, but for me, it tends to be directed toward our kids more than anything, when they'll just push my buttons and I'll respond in anger instead of in patience. And so this is an area that God's working in me constantly. But what Ashley said is so true. If we'll allow our minds and our hearts to remain focused and fixed on what God is doing, if we'll put ourselves in a place where we can enter into our home in a posture of peace instead of already on the defensive, ready to just bark orders at everybody, man, we get to control so much about the climate in our home through our own words, through our own tone. And, you know, my prayer for me, my prayer for all of us who are listening, is that we would just choose a life giving, positive tone in our marriages and in our homes. And that will do so much to make our homes a safe and sacred place where everyone in the family wants to be and they feel they belong and they feel. They feel safe. You know, in future episodes, you know, you might be asking, well, my spouse, you know, I wish they would do these things, but my spouse is angry all the time. They never apologize. What do you do when your spouse will never admit fault? Never apologize? Man, that's a whole separate issue that really probably deserves its own full episode. And so we want to acknowledge that that's a really tough place to be, but we want to address it in the future. So it's kind of some next steps as we wrap this up. First off, I want to let you know that our Naked Marriage audiobook is now available. So it's been out as a paperback and ebook for a while, but you can get the audiobook on. On Audible, Amazon, itunes. And you can listen. You know, you. You can listen. We had so much fun narrating that together. You can come see us at a live event. We'd love to meet you in person at one of the XO marriage conferences. You can go to XO mar. Omarriage.com thank you, guys. To those who have come to one of those and met us. We love meeting you.

We do. Yeah. We'd love to see you at an event. You know, if you really like the Naked Marriage podcast, then I know you're gonna love one of the EXO marriage events. They are amazing. And it's not just Dave and I who are some of the speakers there. You're gonna hear from Jimmy Evans and lots of other speakers that are just so awesome and have such rich content to share with you and such knowledge about marriage and I mean they've challenged us a lot and taught us so much and so I know that that you and your spouse would get so much out of this and also it'd be a great time just to spend some one on one time together. So we hope to see you at one of those events.

So as a final word guys, please subscribe to this podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review. It helps others discover this. So if this is helping your marriage, help us spread the word to encourage other marriages as well. And as always thank you so much for listening to the Naked Marriage podcast. We'll look forward to connecting with you next time.