Pre-Marriage Takeover

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Hello and.

Welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And today we have a podcast takeover, which we've never done before.

Never. This is brand new. In the history, the illustrious history of the Naked Marriage Podcast, no such thing has ever happened as is happening today. But we're so pumped about this. So we just launched a brand new podcast called the Pre Marriage Podcast. Because we believe that so many of the issues that married couples face are issues that really, with the right preparation before marriage, can make all the difference. So on today's Naked Marriage Podcast episode, we're gonna actually play you the very first episode of the Pre Marriage podc. And I know a lot of you listening, most of you listening are already married. I still think there's some insights you could glean from this, but I also want to expose you to it so that you can go tell the engaged couples in your life, the dating couples in your life, to go check out the Pre Marriage podcast is a way to really, really help them out. So let's dive in.

Hello and welcome to the very first episode of the new Pre Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Will, and on this podcast, we help you engaged couples and even dating couples know how to have a strong foundation for marriage.

Yeah, that's right. We're also the host of the Naked Marriage Podcast. But we're so excited now to have a new podcast focused specifically on new couples pre marriage. Because in the work we do with married couples, we found that so many of the struggles that married couples face could have been prevented had they had certain conversations and certain foundational tools before they ever got married.

That's right.

And so we've created a new video called Preparing for I Do. And it is. It's awesome. I mean, this video course, the whole team has been involved in putting it together. It includes an assessment tool and so many things to help you build a foundation for marriage. This whole podcast is just kind of another tool to go along with that course, but it's not a replacement for that course. We want you to check out premarriage.com to get the full experience of Preparing for I Do. And also to subscribe to this podcast because the Premarriage podcast, we're going to talk about a lot of tools that are going to help you guys build that foundation for a successful lifelong marriage. So let's dive in. I have a good friend who just got married a couple weeks ago, but leading up to the marriage, he called me and he said, dave, I feel like I need a prenuptial agreement. And he said, I just. I want to. I want to protect my financial assets, and I just want to make sure there's a document protecting all of that. And he said, what do you think about that? And I said, well, listen, my philosophy on marriage, because it's based on God's word on marriage, is that once you're married, like, there's no longer his and hers. It's. All of it is ours. And I think a legal document, a prenuptial agreement that's designed specifically just to protect assets, is kind of not productive and consistent with God's plan for marriage. And it's going in with distrust instead of trust. I said, but I do think every marriage needs some prenuptial agreements. Not in terms of a legal document, but in terms of conversations you two have together, work together. You're becoming united on what is your marriage going to look like after you say, I do. And that's what this. This episode is about. Like, having those conversations of, what's. What's our family going to look like? What's what. What is our dream for our finances? What is our dream for our life together? And let's come to agreement on that instead of just saying, oh, we'll figure it all out later, because if you'll talk about it now, it could save you a world of arguments and frustration later on down the road.

That's so true. And, you know, I know finances is an important thing that you need to talk about for sure, as far as, like, prenuptially, you know, things like, besides prenuptial agreements, which we don't really recommend, because, again, it's like, you're not going all in, and you're really right out of the gate distrusting your spouse. And so that's not a very good way to go into marriage. But I do think you need to talk about finances. And, you know, are we gonna have separate accounts or one account? And we highly recommend putting it all in one pot, because then you remember it's all God's anyway, and really, you're not gonna keep track of who's bringing in what. And that way you're like, we're going to pull from the same pot because we are one. And I know there's certain, you know, situations for different kind of business reasons that you maybe have to have a separate business account. And I understand that. But as much as you can in marriage, when you can mesh everything together, the better and that, that way pride is kind of kept, you know, away because I think it can be very prideful when we feel like we're, this is mine, this is yours. I'm going to do this, you're going to do this. And when you, when you come into a marriage, you really want to completely connect and completely share everything, and you don't want to go out of the gate not doing that and immediately feeling like you can't trust each other.

Yeah, it's huge, you know, the health of a marriage. I think one of the main ways to tell is, is to look at how much. How much we use the word ours versus how much we use the word mine, yours, his, and hers. And if marriage is all just about division, like his hobbies, her hobbies, his time, her time, his friends, her friends, his money, her money, then you're not even really married. You're just kind of, you know, roommates who might share a last name. But God's view for marriage, and a marriage is really going to thrive, and one that's going to continue to grow is where we just say, we're both going all in. It's not our. Your debt, it's our debt. It's not, you know, your money, it's our money. It's not your. Your dream, it's our dream together. And we're going to help each other and serve each other. And so the conversations about money is a big part of that. As part of the Preparing for I Do course, which this whole podcast is really designed to just kind of help point you there, because that's where we give a complete and holistic plan to help you build a foundation for marriage. But part of that Preparing for I Do course, which you can find@premarriage.com is an assessment that will guide you through these questions to ask that really are that perfect. Prenuptial agreements. It's about money, it's about kids, it's about all these topics. How do we. How are we going to deal with this? Who's going to do what chores, you know, who's going to, you know, where are we going to spend holidays to talk through those things? And we can't talk about all of them here, but we want to talk about A few of them even right here on this video. And in addition to money, another big thing to talk about prenuptially is children. Absolutely. Like how many we're going to have or if you're entering into the situation and it's maybe a blended family situation, you know what your dreams and vision are for that.

Yes. I mean, definitely talk about that. And I wanna just say these prenuptial agreements need to be fluid because life will throw you some curveballs, you know, like, when it comes to children specifically, I think it's really important to talk about whether or not, first and foremost, if you even want to have children, if you feel called to have children, and if one of you does and one of you doesn't, that is something that really needs to be discussed before marriage. Because you don't wanna go into a marriage where you have this. This deep desire to be a parent and your spouse doesn't. Because we can't just count on the fact that they may change. And, you know, we need to understand that just that desire alone, I mean, that could be a reason not to marry. Because if that's something that God's put on your heart, you definitely need to talk through that and make sure your spouse is on the same page or your future spouse is on the same page. But I think you need to talk about whether or not you want children and if you would like more than one child. And I know for Dave and I, you know, we knew we both wanted kids, we knew we wanted more than one child, but we didn't put a specific number on it. Because, honestly, I think in my heart of hearts, I didn't know if I would have trouble getting pregnant. I didn't know at the time if Dave was open to adoption. And so we talked about that. We're like, well, what if we have trouble getting pregnant? What then? And we talked through that and we said, are we open to adoption? And we both were on the same page and said, yes, absolutely, we're open to adoption. And so it's just good, you know, before you get married, to talk through these things. And this isn't so you can, once you're married, hold it against your spouse and say, well, Dave and Ashley told us, you know, we're making this prenuptial agreement on having kids and this number of kids. It's not about that, but it's about having a deeper understanding of the desires of your heart and the desires of your spouse's heart. You know, so many engaged couples spend so much time and money on preparing for their wedding, but they often forget that they need to prepare for their marriage. Well, we have got a great new resource for you and it's called Preparing for I Do.

That's right. This video course is going to have so much information to help spark meaningful conversations for your future marriage and to help you set a solid foundation for your life together. The videos aren't all that are part of the course. There's also a powerful assessment tool designed by Jimmy Evans which is going to lead you through some of the most important conversations you've ever had as a couple. To access all this and much more, check out the site premarriage.com Ray Ban.

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The main prenuptial agreement to come to is that we're always gonna love each other. We're gonna be committed to each other no matter what. We're going to be respectful to each other, even in disagreements. We're going to both build our lives on. You know, you've got to decide what the foundation is, what the final word is going to be in your marriage. And both of us are followers of Jesus, and we decided early on and it was an easy choice. And really the best choice we made for our marriage is the Bible is going to be our marriage manual. Like, that's going to be our guidebook. And if you've not read it, it's incredibly practical. God lays out. He lays out specifics for marriage, for finances, for family, and takes a lot of the guesswork out of it. But if you and your spouse are coming to marriage from completely different worldviews, these are important conversations that you have to have right now because that is what leads to so much confusion and dissension and division later on down the road is you're operating from completely different value systems and worldviews. And you've got to beforehand Understand where each other is coming from. And I believe the best marriage is, the strongest marriage is when both people can commit to saying God's word is going to be our foundation. You know, we're going to blow it along the way, we're going to make mistakes, but ultimately that's what we can come back to and know we can trust his word more than our feelings. We can trust his word, you know, more than our opinions. And he's never going to lead us in the wrong direction. So you have to talk about that and saying, what's the final word in our marriage? You know, when it's one to one vote, what's the tiebreaker going to be? You have to talk through those scenarios. And for us, you know, having God's word as that foundation, really, it gave us such clarity and it gave us an anchor for the storms of life that inevitably come. And I just encourage you, as you're talking through those prenuptial agreements, to come to a place of agreement on what's the foundation of our marriage going to be about. And you can't just say these fluffy things like, well, it's just that we love each other, and it's just that this and that. It's like, yeah, that's fine and good. But when you guys are in the thick of exhaustion and babies waking you up at night and, you know, one of you wants to move, one of you wants to stay in this city, you know, one of you wants five kids, one of you wants zero kids. It's going to take more than that. You're going to have to have. You're going to have to have something a little more concrete.

Absolutely. And I think, too, that we have to decide before we get married kind of some of those expectations or those habits that we want to be in place and talking about faith specifically, you know, you need to talk to each other. Are we going to go to church every Sunday? I hope you say yes. You know, you may not currently be part of a church, but I hope you join a church maybe before you get married, if possible, because then you can actually meet other engaged couples and start cultivating those great friendships with other, you know, believers who are wanting to get married and wanting to have a strong marriage. But, you know, you might talk to your future spouse and say, and he or she may say, well, I don't know about that. You know, my family didn't go to church every Sunday, and I just don't think that's important. And that's something you have to talk through you know, because then that might be a shocker to you. Like, well, I just thought we'd go to church every Sunday. And so because you're discussing it now, you guys can talk through that and you can talk about the reasons you feel the way that you do and really come to terms with the expectations you both will have when it comes to that. And I hope you do make going to church, you know, a habit, even if you're both watching online on Sunday. I mean, do something where you are growing in your faith and doing hopefully Bible studies together, but talk through those expectations. I think you also need to talk about, you know, what kind of routine, you know, you expect to have because you're joining two lives together. You're both used to doing things a certain way. And I know with Dave and I, we found out really quickly that I am very introverted. Like, I need time in the middle of the day to just have no one talk to me. And now that we have four boys, I need that time even more where I just need a moment just to be an introvert and to gain my energy. And he understands that I'm happy to give that because he gives it to me, but that took a little, you know, my routine's a little different than yours because my lowest part of the day is in the afternoon as far as my energy level. And that's when I need that quiet and that solitude. Whereas Dave's, that's like, you know, 2pm he's like rearing to go. He could solve all the world's problems. And so we've just Learned throughout our 20 year marriage that when I need the quiet, Dave's gonna go on a run or he's gonna go, you know, like I said, solve all the world's problems and get his best work done for the day. And we don't hold that against each other. And so I think it'd be good if you and your fiance talk about that and say, you know, when is your highest energy point in the day? Because that is going to determine kind of our schedule. And I want to have an understanding right now about how God wired you, because I don't want to hold it against you because it might be very different from me.

And our schedules are different because she is like ready to go at night, like 10 o' clock at night, she's ready to start a project and I am like dead to the world by 10 o' clock at night. I'm done. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay down and don't talk to me. And early in our marriage, it would frustrate her so much that she's like, why don't you want to paint this wall with me at 10pm I'm like, because it's 10pm And I want to go to sleep and get up. And so both of us had to learn that rhythm of mutual respect. And here's where part of your prenuptial agreements have to come in, is to never, ever say you're wrong because you're different than me. You know, God made you different. He wired you up differently. You have different personalities, different needs. Your spouse, your partner, they're going to need things you don't need. They might need to sleep in a different schedule than you do. You know, they might need to eat at a different schedule than you do. You know, their sex drive might be significantly higher than yours. And you need to have these conversations about, what are we going to do to meet each other's needs. Because it's not that there's anything wrong with you that you're wired up differently than I do, than I am. But at the same time, we need to acknowledge that in our differences, we have to find ways to serve each other, to respect each other, and to help each other be at our best. And so what is life going to look like for us to do that instead of me trying to change you or you trying to change me? Because if you want a miserable marriage, then go into it thinking that you can change your spouse. That is the recipe for misery and for frustration. Do you want a happy marriage? Go into it with the mindset of, I'm going to serve my spouse every day, and it's going to be a privilege for me to be able to show my love to him or her by how I serve. And that's really what love in action looks like is, is in serving each other. And there's going to be a lot of that from both of you in the days ahead.

I think another prenuptial agreement that we all couples need to make before they're married is knowing that your, your time, your first priority is going to be with your spouse, you know, because you're going to be used to having total control over your schedule going into marriage. Then all of a sudden, you're putting your lives together, and it's not all about you and what you want to do. You have this person that you constantly need to be in contact with and really checking like, okay, I had this plan to go do this. Is this okay with you and I know this is kind of a hot button topic because people are like, well, I'm a grown person. I shouldn't have to check with my spouse. Well, then don't get married, because why would you? I mean, you're joining your life with someone else. And so whenever, you know, I want to do something, I'm going to go today first and be like, hey, I was thinking about doing this with my friends on this day. Was there something that we had planned that I'm forgetting because I want to make sure that it's okay with you? And now that we have children, that's very practical too, because there's all these people who are depending on us and we have to make sure it's okay. So going into marriage, talk about that and say, you know, hey, I have this really close knit group of friends that I really like to get with weekly. We tend to do this on Wednesday, you know, afternoons. Is that okay? Like, is that going to work with your schedule? Because if not, I'm going to talk to my friends and we're going to adjust because you are my priority. And you know, you constantly want to affirm that your spouse is your priority. Doesn't mean you don't need your friendships. We all need friendships. Friendships enrich our lives and they make us better. And this person sitting next to me can't fulfill all of my needs. It's not meant to be that way, you know, And God is really our number one, but right underneath, God is our spouse. And so we've got to make sure that we keep on making our spouse our priority. And that means adjusting some of our things that we're used to, especially when it comes to friendships and managing our time where we're making our spouse a priority. But we're also cultivating strong friendships at the same time. And that is possible, but it takes being intentional and having very open conversations with your spouse and also being willing to monitor and adjust as needed.

Man, I hope you're paying attention. You might want to just like skip back and watch everything she said. Just, just again, there's so much gold and so much wisdom in that. And some of what she said honestly might have freaked you out because you're thinking, like, I'm an independent person. I don't ask permission from anybody to do anything. And that mindset is pride. And pride is the undoing of marriages. Pride is the cause of every single divorce. All the other stuff is just symptoms of it. Pride's that voice that says, I can do things my way. I Don't have to ask anybody permission. I'm going to do things my way. But marriage is laying down pride, and it's saying, how can I serve? How can I serve you? And so we do check in with each other, because I know that everything I do with my time, everything I do with money, every decision I make is going to impact this amazing lady in some way. And we're partners in everything. And so I check with her. And it's not a matter of, like, not trusting each other. It's a matter of having such trust in each other. It's not about controlling each other. It's about serving each other and respecting each other enough to bring one another into the loop on every decision and just say, hey, I was going to make this purchase. Is that okay? And we can talk about it and say, well, yeah, that would be great, but maybe if we could wait till next week, because we've got this bill coming in and it just brings us into the loop, and it makes as many decisions as possible in marriage, collective decisions, so there's no resentment. And again, you don't build these silos where it's his and hers and you're just living parallel lives, but you're serving each other, and that's what it comes down to. And, guys, there are so many questions and so many topics that couples need to talk through prenuptially. And that's why we're doing this episode on prenuptial agreements. And we can only scratch the surface in this episode. But if you will check out the Preparing for I Do course, that assessment tool that is part of the course, which you can find@premarriage.com it is, I believe, the best curation of questions to ask each other before marriage and that I've ever seen collected in one place. About finances, about time, about priorities, about your past, your past baggage, about family of origin, about faith, about goals. And if you'll talk through those questions together and you'll come to a place of agreement or at least understanding through everything that's listed out in that assessment tool, I think you would be giving yourself a massive head start in your marriage. And if every couple would do that before they got married, if every couple would go through Preparing for I Do and talk through that assessment tool and really have those conversations before they got married, I believe the divorce rates would plummet. I honestly believe that. I don't think I'm overselling it. I think that those conversations have the power to nearly eradicate divorce. Not that you're still not going to face problems in the future, but you'll be so much better equipped to handle them.

Absolutely. And I think too prenuptially, we need to decide that when we have hard times, and you will have hard times, they are inevitable. And sometimes we bring them on ourselves. But a lot of times it's just the world we live in. We live in a broken world where things happen that we don't see coming our way and we're reeling from it and we don't know what to do. But you and your future spouse need to decide right now. We're not gonna say divorce. We're gonna work through it. We're gonna get counseling, we're gonna get the help that we need, and. And we're gonna keep on pressing forward, because I promise you, we've gone through many hard times in our 20 year marriage. Some things that we brought on ourselves, some things we totally didn't, and we were like, lord, what is going on in our lives? But we chose to face the problems together, to not hold it against each other, and to get the help that we need. And so talk about that right now, because your spouse may have kind of a maybe see counseling as a weakness. But I'm here to tell you from experience that it is a sign of strength and it is a way towards healing. And so talk about that right now and say, listen, I know we're gonna have problems. You know, everything's all gushy and rainbow and sunshine right now. But I know one day I may wake up and not like you that day. I love you, but I may not like you that day. So I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna decide ahead of time that I'm gonna tell you how I'm feeling in a loving way. And then if we need to get help, we're gonna get help. We're not gonna see that as a sign of weakness. We're gonna see that as a sign of strength. And we're not gonna lash out at each other. We're not gonna threaten divorce. We're gonna allow God to use this as a time of growth. And if you talk about that now, I'm telling you, there is such strength in just talking through those kind of beforehand scenarios, like, okay, if this happened, how would we handle this? And again, it's fluid because you never know what's gonna come your way. But you can choose right now to decide how you're gonna handle it.

That's right, guys. And I hope this has helped spark some of those important conversations in your relationship. And for the full experience, I strongly encourage you to check out the Preparing for I Do video course and assessment tool. You can find all that@premarriage.com if you would also leave a review and subscribe to this brand new pre Marriage podcast and share it with the engaged and even dating couples friends in your life to help them build a solid foundation for their future as well. God Bless guys, we'll see you next time.