Problems with the Big O

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Hey guys. Welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And today is our fall kickoff. We are so excited.

Yes. Yes. I hope you enjoyed the summer Summer quickies. Got some great feedback on those, those Q and A short episodes. And it was so popular, in fact, that we're starting a new segment at the end of every episode, including this one, where we're going to do a Q and A time at the end of every episode. So don't quit early on any episode because the very end is going to have something really, really special for you. So we're excited. Today's topic. Oh, it's a good one.

It is.

Yep. I think you're going to like it.

You're going to love it. Let's dive in.

Orgasm. It's a fun word and it's a fun.

If you guys could see his face right now, he is loving this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Who doesn't love an orgasm, sweetie?

I mean, who doesn't? Who doesn't? But there's a very. And we'll talk about the fun of it. I mean, God created orgasms. He wants it to be fun. Clearly. Yes. But there's also a serious side to this and sometimes a sad side to this that we need to address. And while we can laugh and I love that we laugh and have fun on this podcast and we talk about great issues and fun issues, we also, we have to, on the other side of that coin, have to dive in and talk about the really difficult aspects of marriage.

Yes.

And if you're listening to this and you're one of those who are struggling specifically in your sex life and even more specifically in feeling that one or maybe both spouses is having difficulty reaching orgasm, which is completely redefining the landscape of your sexual intimacy, we just want to acknowledge, first off that that's a real issue a lot of people face. You are not alone. Even though it can feel very isolating and it can feel just demoralizing in a lot of ways and discouraging. You're not alone. Don't give up. This doesn't define who you are as a person or as a couple, but it is something to work to try to find solutions to whenever you can. And I think that that's where we start the conversation is saying we're gonna work towards solutions. Lunch yesterday with a couple. She has a debilitating disease. She has multiple sclerosis. And as a result of that, it has drastically changed what their sex life looks like. And they talked about how they found ways to be intimate in other ways, that sexually they're adventurous and they're creative, but sex looks way different than it did when they were both young and healthy and than it does now. But then they also said because we've been so transparent and vulnerable and intimate and honest with each other, even through working through that, it's going to look different. It's actually brought us closer together. And we found ways, even in the bedroom, even sexually, to really get closer together than ever before and to have fun in the bedroom instead of looking at it like, oh my goodness, we were failing because it can't be what it once was.

No, I mean, actually just them telling the story. They had these sweet little smiles on their face and they were like, and we're empty nesters, so you know what that means. Like we have naked.

Yeah, I know.

So it was very sweet. And you know, for those listening who are going through a hard season, I mean, maybe it is a medical diagnosis that is keeping you from reaching orgasm, or maybe sex is just not at all what you pictured it would be in your marriage. And so we are not making light of that at all. We just want you to know that there's hope in whatever season of marriage that you're in. You know, there are always solutions when you choose to fight for your marriage and for your sex life together and not against each other. And I wanna say this, you know, if you're listening and you're like, I've literally never had an orgasm, like ever with my spouse, and I feel like I'm weird or there's something wrong with me, or does it mean that I'm not really attracted to my spouse? Like maybe I married the wrong person. Cause it can cause these deep, deep wounds. And I feel like the enemy has a heyday with people, especially, you know, married people having issues in the bedroom. Because it can really mess with us and it can cause us to doubt ourselves, to doubt our marriage, to doubt our spouse. And I. I just want you to know that you're first and foremost, not alone. I remember years ago, I can't remember, it was an article or like a segment on a TV show that I was watching. They were Talking about how there's a lot of women who, like, have never experienced an orgasm, and it's not necessarily their husband's fault. It's just that sometimes the way that God wires us, there's different things that turn us on more. And so sometimes it's like the foreplay. There's not been given enough time to foreplay. And for women, as. I mean, I know this has been talked about for years and years, you know, women, usually it takes more foreplay to reach orgasm. And men, not always. I mean, some men might be different, but a lot of men, it doesn't really take much foreplay to get them there. And so sometimes husbands are just so excited and so ready, ready to go, ready to go, that they just kind of, at that moment, they're not able to control their own urges, and they, you know, go ahead and they reach orgasm and their wife's kind of left there like, oh, man, what about me? What about me?

And so, guys, this is where you have to. Men, I'm going to talk to, like men, if your wife is not reaching orgasm, then both of you, you got to be really, really honest about what feels good to you. How can I serve you? How can I help get you there? And be willing to do it, whether that's longer foreplay and wise.

Be totally honest.

Be totally honest about where it feels good to be touched, how it feels good to be touched, what position you like, what position you like, if. If you like oral sex. And that can help you either before intercourse or even as a substitute for intercourse to help you reach orgasm. You got to just be honest about all of that. And guys, if you're reaching climax too quickly and you're not giving your wife a chance, and you're doing that consistently, then you've got to slow things down. You've got to slow things down to help her, to help her, you know, reach reach the point of climax. And maybe, you know, maybe that means you're rethinking, you know, how you're. You're entering into it. Maybe you need help. There are things like desensitizing gel. There are desensitizing things that guys can use. If you struggle with premature ejaculation, that's a real thing. And a lot of guys do, and they're like, man, I just can't control it. There are things out there to help you. So we're just trying to help you guys. Kind of give yourself permission to say, there are solutions. Let's find those solutions. And sometimes those solutions are as simple as being really honest and talking openly about what you like, what you don't, what feels good, and then doing those things. Sometimes it might require some additional aids. Whether it's a lubricant or whatever it is that's going to help you. But just keep searching, don't give up and say, well, we're just not gonna enjoy it. And I also wanna say, if there's one spouse that maybe isn't reaching orgasm and you're the other spouse thinking, I'm not pleasing her, I'm not pleasing him, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Just because they're not reaching climax doesn't mean they're not enjoying it. And it certainly doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong.

Absolutely. And I would say this too. I feel like there needs to be a conversation too, about, well, do you reach orgasm when you're masturbating or watching pornography? Because I think sometimes people are doing those things, reaching orgasm and then not having as much drive when they come to, you know, to their spouse and having sex with their spouse. And that's a whole other topic. We have many episodes on that. We have many articles on that. So definitely be honest about that. Because that could also be a barrier in why one or both are not reaching orgasm. Because you've been sexually satisfied by doing it yourself, so to speak. And so we don't wanna do that because, again, we need to save that sexual energy for your spouse. Because it's a way that you can serve one another. It's a way you can connect like no other way. It's this beautiful gift from God. But I also wanna say this. I think when you have trouble reaching orgasm, it can really create anxiety because you want to so bad and you wanna have that experience with your spouse. But then all of a sudden you're building it up. So then when it comes to having sex, you're like, having this buildup, and it can. And I don't mean, like sexual buildup. I don't mean, like the sexual energy. I mean the buildup. Like just hoping and praying that it's gonna happen. So then all of a sudden it becomes this anxious thing in your life. And so I would even tell you, you need to pray about this. Like people all the time. Whenever I talk about this, they're like, really pray about sex and orgasm. I'm like, yes. Like, God created it for married people.

Okay?

He wants you to have an orgasm.

Stop being embarrassed. Stop being ashamed. Stop.

Absolutely.

And, yeah, this is first off, every Couple goes through some kind of issue sexually. Every single couple. You don't have to feel like you're the only one on earth. But you've got to have the courage to talk openly about it first and foremost with your spouse. And then, you know, talk to God about it. Like Ashley said, he wants you to have good sex and just. I'm telling you, you pray with your spouse just anyway. It's one of the most intimate acts you can do. It's as intimate as sex itself. And pray together about your sex life. I think having the courage to talk about it out loud to each other and to God, that alone will take you to another level of intimacy. And then beyond that, get creative. Do some things you're not doing. And I don't even know what that looks like. But I mean, God's given you an enormous amount of freedom. Freedom to express yourself sexually and for it to be playful and fun. Don't look at it as this chore. Don't look at it not pressure, I.

Think take the pressure off.

Take the pressure off yourself and just get naked and have fun.

And I would say too, the way you can relieve pressure is just loving your spouse, rubbing their back, taking that pressure off because you want your spouse to feel good. This mutual, beautiful act where you want to satisfy each other. But I think sometimes when one or both haven't reached orgasm, again, there's that pressure. So just pray about it together. Pray with and for your spouse. Especially if you have a spouse who's never had an orgasm, really, really pray for them. And just say, lord, you know, help us get there. We want this so bad. We wanna connect in this way so bad. And I want my spouse to feel good and I don't want him or her to feel ashamed or like there's something wrong with them and just take the stigma off. I would even venture to say too, if this is an issue that has been continuous in your marriage and you're kind of hitting a brick wall, so to speak, I would go see a counselor. I mean, sometimes there's things, you know, mental blocks that you can have that where cause sex is very much. I mean, it's mental, it's emotional, it's.

The most powerful sex organism.

It's the most powerful. And so I would say definitely see a counselor. Sometimes you can even have, like I mentioned before, anxiety and depression can become this huge issue just because of not having an orgasm and then feeling ashamed because of it. So be willing to talk to a Christian counselor and do whatever it takes to get the help that you need. But bottom line, we want you guys to know you're not alone. You're not the only one. And you will get through this.

I know you will. You will. You will. And hopefully, guys, this. This short conversation today will help you to spark some new conversations and some new sexual exploration in your marriage to lead you guys to a closer sexual intimacy than you've ever had before. We hope you've enjoyed these kind of Q and A episodes that we've had, and we've gotten such great feedback on Q and A that we've decided that starting next week and next week, we're gonna go back to our regular. The regular format of our episodes, our full episodes. They'll be longer, but at the end of those episodes, we're gonna do a brief Q and A section at the end of every single episode. So if you want one of your questions answered, you can reach out to us and submit questions. You can go to NakedMarriagePodcast and find everything you need there to submit your answers.

Ask us anything. I'm serious. Like, you guys know, if you listen to this podcast long enough, you know, we're willing to talk about just about anything and even tell you some of our own embarrassing stories of whatever. So, like, we want to be like, this is called the Naked Marriage for a reason. Because we want. We believe that God wants us to have honest, transparent, connected, thriving marriages. And the only way we can do that is by talking about stuff that really matters, stuff that maybe before we were embarrassed to talk about. So these are gonna be anonymous questions. Like, we're not gonna say your name on the air unless you really want us to. But, you know, please, just ask us whatever's on your mind and heart, and we will do our best to answer it. So we will see you next time. Cuando entras a Burlington en cuentras precios increibles y regalos geniales. Jesus energia del protagonist porque and Burlington, los ahoros festivos nos son lo unico que llamal Attention descubria jasgos de calidar y regalos perfectos paratodos and tulista des jugetes. Hey, welcome into Walgreens.

Hi there. Hey.

All right, hon. I'll grab the gift wrap cards and, oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

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I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case, you know, what they say tis the season. This is help staying healthy through the holidays. Walgreens. I'm so glad we got to have that conversation about orgasms, which is such an important part of marriage and a struggle and a silent struggle for so many people. And hopefully that conversation helped. We've got additional information about how to connect sexually in our book, the Naked Marriage, and I encourage you to read that or listen to that audiobook as a follow up and as a next step. But now it's time to dive into the Q and A section of the podcast. And I'm so excited that we're adding this segment, and we got some great questions that have been sent in already. We encourage you to send in questions if you would like for us to answer those. But here's the very first one. Is there such a thing as being too sensitive and getting offended way too easily in marriage? Or should you be able to express that your feelings are hurt, no matter how ridiculous it may sound at the time? So this is a good question. You know, I can see both sides of it, and I can see where if a husband and wife are wired up completely differently in terms of kind of their sensitivity meter, where this could cause a lot of friction and misunderstanding. And so, sweetie, you wise, wonderful woman, why don't you dive in and start with your perspective?

Well, when I saw this question, I honestly, like, laughed to myself because I think I've asked this question. Like, I think Dave and I have talked about this question a lot because I'm one of those people where I feel. I have all the feels like all the time. And there were times where I used to hold that in. And what would happen is, is it would, like, bubble up eventually, and I would spew it out on Dave in, like, a really unhealthy way. And, you know, in our book, we share, like, specific stories. And so. And it could be over the silliest thing. Cause. And we'll tell ourselves, well, it's silly that that bothers me, so I probably shouldn't say anything. But the bottom line is it's not silly. And the more we can address something in a really calm and healthy way, in a positive way, and just be like, listen, I know I'm probably a weirdo, but this really bothers me. It kind of takes that intensity off of it because I think what happens is when we hold it in, it becomes more of an intense issue because it's bothering us more. And then we become more passionate about it. And then before you know it, we're either not talking about it and giving the silent treatment. Or we're like passive aggressively, you know, acting weird towards our spouse when really we could just come out with it and say what's really on our mind and heart. Because the truth is, you know, maybe it is weird, but if it bothers you, then it's something worth mentioning. Because when you're married, even if you don't agree with how your spouse feels on something, you gotta hear em out.

Yeah, absolutely.

You gotta listen to em.

And you can't minimize each other's feelings. Never make your spouse feel stupid or negative in any way because they're feeling a way that's different from you. And never assume that just because you're feeling a certain way that your feelings are automatically right and your spouse is automatically wrong. And so you've got to go into it with mutual respect. You've gotta go into it saying, I wanna share what's on my mind and what's on my heart. But at the same time I want to be open to realize that maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong perspective. Maybe I'm thinking the worst of my spouse instead of thinking the best of them, thinking they don't care or thinking that whatever. And so it's an opportunity for communication. And I think that if you're constantly feeling hurt, if you're constantly feeling offended, that's usually the result of a deeper issue that's going on, either from past hurts or from a disconnect you're feeling in your marriage that's just trying to express itself through, through feelings. And you might need to get to the root of that through individual counseling or through couples counseling. I think a trained Christian counselor can really help you identify some of the root causes and triggers that are leading to that. But as for offense in general, I think that we tend to do better when we try to get offended slowly. You know, I've heard it said that you can tell the size of a person. Like you can tell the size of a pot of water by how long it takes it to boil.

Oh yeah.

And as Christians, the Bible has a lot to say about how we should be slow to anger. There's a really interesting book by a guy named Brandt Hansen, who's a kind of a funny, quirky radio personality. And the book is called Unoffendable. And it became this surprise hit book because he was talking about just how much more joyful life can be when we really take the Bible's truth to heart about not getting offended and being really slow to anger. And so that can be an interesting resource if you feel like maybe you're someone who is really quick to get angry, really quick to get offended. But as for feelings in marriage. Yeah. Your marriage has to be the safest place on earth to really download and talk about whatever you're feeling.

That's so true. And I know we talked a lot about this on the podcast, but I wanna say it again. We need to really assume the best in each other.

Yes. That's huge.

And that when you assume the best, it's hard to be offended because you know that sometimes your spouse may say something that they truly like. You know, they don't mean it the way that it sounded. And you may even wanna say like, hey, sweetie, I know you didn't mean it that way, but that was, you know, that kind of hit me a little hard, you know, But I think most of the times if we just assume the best, then it doesn't become an issue. Now, if this is something that is a repeated thing that is hurting you, you need to say something. You don't need to harbor that. You don't need to put that on the shelf and act like it's gonna fix itself. You need to say something, but you need to say it in a really calm way. And I'm talking to you as someone who has made this mistake multiple times. And I laugh about it because it's ridiculous. I made myself look ridiculous. And Dave has been so sweet to me and kind and given me love for you.

I get plenty grumpy. I turn into what we call bmd. Bad Mood Dave. And you don't wanna bmd.

And I'm bad at that.

It's kinda like a nerdy, weaker version of the Incredible Hulk. And it's not pleasant or attractive.

We laugh about that too. But, you know, I think that again, we have to give each other a lot of grace and assume the best in each other.

Yeah. Bring out the best. Let. Let your marriage be the safest place on earth for both of you to express whatever you're feeling. And that communication can lead to such deeper levels of intimacy. So that was a great question. If you've got a question, go to this website, nakedmarriagepodcast.com and when you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com there will be a place for you to submit questions. And we look forward to hearing hearing yours. This is going to be a fun segment we're going to do at the end of every episode and we would love to have a question from you. Hey, Ryan Reynolds. Here wishing you a very happy half off holiday. Because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means a half day. Yeah, give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront.

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