Rekindling Romance

Hey, there. Welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And I am so excited about our topic today.

Yeah, Rekindling the romance is really, really a big one. And we're going to talk about romance and maybe ways you've never thought of it before. And I believe that this has the key to help you and your spouse really connect on a much deeper level in every part of your marriage. And so let's dive in.

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It's fine wine, baby.

That's right.

Just gets better with age. And we truly do believe that. And we not only believe that, but we see that in our own marriage, and we see that in the lives of couples who are decades ahead of us, who are really continuing to pursue each other. And we've also, and this is good news, we see it in couples who have had low spots where it seemed like there was no romance. I think sometimes we look at a couple and they seem happy and we think, well, that's just a unicorn, right? I mean, that's an anomaly. That's not normal. And they must have some kind of, like, secret Powerball winning, random lucky thing. But it's not for everybody. But it is for everybody. It's for everybody who wants it. It's for everybody who's willing to put in the work. And we've seen couples who had rough marriages, who had marriages where there was little to no romance, sometimes for long periods of time, where they started enacting the principles that we're going to talk about in this episode, and they turned things around and their relationship got better than it ever was before. Sometimes it's, you know, later in life and then they just regret not doing it earlier. But wherever you are right now, you don't have to settle. You don't have to Settle for a life where it's just ho hum with each other. You can have passion, you can have connection, you can have deep friendship, you can have romance in every season of your marriage.

It's so true, you know, and I think when we're in the thick of raising kids, busy jobs, and even if there's, you know, even some unforeseen crisis that comes our way, that's when we tend to lose sight of romance. Cause we're like, who has time for this? I can't try to woo my spouse or be romantic because I barely can do the day to day things I need to do for my kids or for my job. And we just want to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way. That there are little. It's the little things, the little acts of love that you do daily that go such a long way. Like little things like Dave will sometimes rub my feet at night. I mean, that is a little act of love that, that makes me feel loved. And it's romantic because I mean, it's touch involved. And it just so happens that my love language, you know, we talk about the five love languages sometimes is physical touch. And that's not just like sexual. I mean that's like a back rub. I know, I know.

It's a rub language.

It's a rub language. It is.

You love those foot rubs, back rubs.

I do, I do. And it makes me feel loved. Or making my coffee in the morning saying like, I went ahead and make coffee, you know, would you like me to make you a cup of coffee? It's like little acts of love where it shows that you're thinking about me. That kind of. Those little things keep the romance alive. And there's little things like, you know, I mean, even just recognizing your spouse might need a quickie. Okay, I know we've talked about this on here.

Is that all you think about? Like, I'm not just a machine, sweetie. I can't just.

That's your dream. Your dream for me to just think about that all the time. But you know, it's like I think just recognizing, like, hey, you seem a little on edge. Like we really need to make love. Like we need to do this and just. Or even surprising them and initiating. Like maybe if your spouse is always the one who initiates sex, surprise your spouse and be the one to initiate it.

Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry, my mind was just wandering there. Just getting excited about where this day might go.

You have this goofy grin on your face.

Okay, coming back to rekindling Romance. I think sometimes just that word itself, romance, it either maybe turns men off because they're like, well, that's just like mushy. And they think romance is just heart shaped balloons and Hallmark cards. But romance, really, when we're talking about romance here, if this makes it easier, just replace the word romance with the word thoughtfulness.

Oh, yeah.

Because nearly everything we're talking about, being romantic, is really just being thoughtful. Like, what is a way to connect with your spouse? What is something he or she loves? And yes, it's romantic to rub her feet when she likes a foot rub. It's romantic to do the dishes. It's romantic to surprise each other with something unexpected, like an unexpected date or an unexpected seduction or what? I mean, it's romantic because it's something they're going to appreciate and you're being thoughtful. So don't overthink it and think, well, I'm just not a romantic person. Well, you can be a thoughtful person, right? Everybody can be a thoughtful person. And that's essentially what romance is. That's what we're talking about here. Not talking about this kind of weird mystical word that nobody can wrap their head around. Be thoughtful. Pursue each other in ways that your spouse wants to be pursued. Do nice things that he or she will really appreciate. That's the romance that's gonna bind you two closer together.

Absolutely. And I think too, noticing, just noticing things. I think it's so easy to get into the daily grind and to stop noticing those wonderful things about your spouse or even a change they've made or, or even their beauty or how they're so handsome or whatever it is. I mean, just noticing things and then complimenting them on it. There's nothing so sweet than being married for 20, 30, 40 years to your spouse. Catching them looking at you and then saying, what are you staring at? And them saying, you're just so beautiful or you're just so handsome, or, man, your arms are looking extra strong today or whatever that is. And I tease Dave about that. So it's like, I mean, so it's like.

And I love it. I know, I just wanna go do more push ups.

Exactly. I'm like, did you do pushups just like five minutes ago? Like, what's going on? So, I mean, I think you just have to keep it spicy and tease each other. I mean, there is something so sexy about laughing. Like not laughing at each other, but laughing with each other and just finding the humor. I know we joke on here about butt cracks and stuff, like how Dave would flash his butt crack to me when nobody's looking just to make me laugh. And he still does it till this day. It is hilarious.

As long as she keeps laughing, I'll keep laughing.

I do. I keep laughing.

I'll be like 90. I'll be wearing a diaper, and I'll still be flashing it if she'll laugh. Because to me, her laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world. Like, if I can. If I can hear her laugh and I know that she's happy in that moment, it just. It does something for my soul. And so I love it. And like Ashley said, it is. It is romantic. It is so good when. When you're laughing together, it binds you together. It's an. It's intimate, it's fun, and it reminds us that the joy should be a great, important part of our life, and fun should be part of our life. Even in the difficult seasons. Even in seasons like many of us are in right now with, you know, with COVID 19, you know, still. Still changing the way we do life and with financial stress and, you know, being. Being at home more than usual and trying to navigate that with kids and life and work. And even in these seasons, we should make fun a priority. We can have romance. We might have to be a little more intentional about it. We might have to work a little harder for it, but it's important. It's more important now than ever in those moments that are difficult and so don't feel like, well, this just is not a fun or romantic season. This is a serious season, and we've got to just. We've got to plow through. And I'm not making light of the real struggles that are happening out there, but the happiest people I know, the ones. The most joyful people I know, and even the happiest couples I know are the ones who, even in the difficult seasons, they never lose sight of the importance of laughter. They never lose sight of being playful with each other. And so you don't lose sight of it either. And it doesn't mean you're not taking the real problem seriously. It just means that, you know, joy is. Joy is the serious business of heaven. C.S. lewis once wrote, my favorite Christian author, and in every season of life, I think we need to make joy and laughter and fun a priority and that we actually honor God when we do, because we're reminding ourselves he's in control even when life feels out of control. And he wants good things for his children. And so I want to embrace that even through this season of struggle.

It's so true. And, you know, we use the word to describe this podcast as rekindling the romance. And this whole concept of rekindling, you know, you're probably thinking of a fire, you know, rekindling the fire. And, you know, you have to have the right, you know, kindling to get a fire going. And, you know, we always say in marriage, I mean, we're Christians, we believe that God is foundational in having a long, thriving, lasting marriage. And he's essential, an essential part of that kindling. But. But also trust and romance and intimacy and honesty and transparency and love and respect for each other. We've gotta have all those things in the kindling. But you can't just strike a match and expect the kindling just keep going. You have to throw a log on it. And so kind of what we're talking about today to keep the fire going and to rekindle it are those things we can do to put kind of some more kindling in there, but also throw a log on it and keep the fire going. I used to teach middle school, and. And for some odd reason, they gave me the task of teaching about sex to middle schoolers, which I was like, of all the people. Seriously, like, this is way back before I did Naked Marriage podcast.

God was preparing you. He was preparing you for naked marriage.

I was laughing. I was like, anyone who knew me in middle school and high school would literally be laughing out loud, like, why her? Because she is like, it's just not me, you know? And so, like, I was thinking, how can I demonstrate about just the power of sex and, like, what. What sex is meant to be, how God designed sex for marriage. And I had this image of a fireplace and how, you know, the fire. Sex is supposed to be kept in the fireplace, which is marriage. You know, it's meant for marriage. And when the. When the fire is in the fireplace, it brings warmth to the entire household, and it's a good thing. But whenever the fire is taken out of the fireplace and misused, if sex is misused and it's. It's, you know, outside of the bond of marriage or not there at all. Or not there at all, and it's. It's, you know, it's not even there. It's not bringing warmth to the house, but if it's outside, it brings destruction.

Yeah, absolutely.

And so, you know, I was trying to demonstrate for that, and I remember I had this. One of the students raised his hand, and he's like, so you're telling Me that if you're married, you know, you have a fireplace, that you gotta keep that fire going in that fireplace. And I just kind of.

I got this smirk on my face.

And I was like, this kid gets.

It, you know, Stoke that fire.

And I know you gotta stoke the fire. And I said, well, actually, yes. I was like, you gotta keep on, you know, working on your marriage, keeping. Keeping sex a part of your marriage. You know, I mean, these are middle schoolers. And I'm like, I know my face was turning red when I was talking about this, but I was like, even this little middle schooler, he's getting it. You know, he understands.

And it was like, he's probably married now.

Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure he's married now. This was many years ago.

Lesson. He might be.

I hope he thinks about it. But he's like, Ms. Willis, Mrs. Willis, long time ago said, I need to keep the fire in the fireplace, but then I need to throw a log on the fire, stoke the fire, keep the fire burning bright. Okay? And so that's what we're talking about, is how do we keep that fire burning bright? And it's doing those little acts of love. It's making sex a priority in your marriage. But when it comes to, you know, keeping that romance burning, it's not just about sex. It's much more about intimacy. It's much more about sharing your heart with each other. It's much more about connecting and feeling a deep connection. You know, I can't tell you how many couples we hear from on this podcast and also in the work we do with Marriage Today and Exo Marriage conferences. And so many of them say, I do love my spouse and I want to stay married to them. I wanna honor them, but I just feel like we don't have that connection anymore. I mean, that is such a common thing people say. And they're like, you know, we've been married so long, we have all these kids. We're hard workers. There's a lot of things we do right in our marriage. But when it comes down to it, I feel like I don't really know him anymore. I don't really know her anymore. It's kind of like we're just business partners. And it's a cold place. It's like the fire has gone out of the fireplace or it's very dim. And I just wanna tell you that you can reignite that fire, but you can't do it alone. It's gonna take doing things differently. It's gonna Take, first of all, surrendering it to God. God wants you to have crazy intimacy and an amazing sex life and a deep, deep connection, first and foremost, with him. He wants you to be connected to him, but also with each other. And so, you know those things that you're doing differently. And it starts with doing what you're doing right now. I mean, you're listening to a podcast that is one step in the right direction. You're seeking counsel, but you gotta take it a step further and start doing those little acts of love again. You know, a lot of times when we've counseled with couples, we'll say, like, well, are you doing some of those things you did in the beginning, like those little things that you knew your husband liked or those little things you knew your wife liked? And a lot of times those spouses will look across the couch at each other and they're like, well, no.

Yeah, exactly. And it's like, it's not rocket science, right? If you were closer, if you felt a more intimate connection at any other point in your life than you do now, then look back and say, well, what were we doing then that we aren't doing now? And if you need some ways to kind of stoke the intimacy. And again, intimacy. We're not just saying sex. Sex is sexual. Intimacy is one part of intimacy. I think sometimes, especially in Christian circles, we use intimacy as just a code word for sex, which is just confusing people. Can we just call sex?

We'll just call sex sex and call intimacy intimacy.

Intimacy is more than just sexual sexual intimacy. It's connecting on every level. And so we've got an episode called Intimacy Outside the bedroom. It's episode 72. If you want to go back and listen to that, where we share some really practical tips. It's based on a blog article that Ashley wrote. We have a lot of free blog articles@marriagetoday.com it's just another way to kind of help you spark things in whatever area of your life that you need sparking, whether it is your sex life or communication or intimacy outside the bedroom or parenting or dealing with stress or trying to find peace in troubling times. And, you know, one other free resource I'll throw at you, we've talked about it the last couple weeks. I'm so excited to be able to offer this for free. Along with our team here at Marriage Today. You know, we've put together a collection of content from Ashley and me, and then also from Jimmy Evans, the founder of Marriage Today. And just one of the wisest Voices in the World in Marriage Ministry. And we've made a free ebook called the Marriage Survival Guide. And you can get this for free right now. Just go to this site, go to Xomarit SurvivalGuide. You don't have to buy anything. You just, you know, put in your email address. You'll get it instantly. And we would love to get that in your hands. So we're all about equipping you, right? You're listening to this right now. And just congratulations, by the way, for doing something intentionally to build your marriage. Just the fact that you're listening to this right now, I hope that you're encouraged just by your own action that, like, you can say, I'm taking action. I'm doing something to make my marriage better. I'm doing something to rekindle romance, to invest in this relationship. And so, yeah, we're throwing all these other things, next steps at you, but we just wanna pause and also say, congrats on what you're doing right now. You're doing something right now.

I know we hear from so many of you who say that you guys listen separately from your spouse. Like, you'll each listen at some point in the day, and then you'll come back together some point during the week and talk about it. And I love that. And that is one small act you can do to kind of rekindle the romance. Because you're going to talking, I'm telling you. Communication is the first step to intimacy.

It is intimacy.

It is intimacy, right?

I mean, it really is sharing and opening up with each other.

It's your heart. Yes, it's your heart. And that's why we talk. So, I mean, even in the last episode, we talked about how you have to be careful the conversations you're having with other people of the opposite sex, because there is intimacy in conversation. That's where your heart begins to open up. That's where you start. Like, I visualize, like, threads being, you know, being woven together heart to heart. That's really what's happening there. And it gets stronger and stronger the more you talk. So you wanna make sure you're doing that with your spouse, not somebody else of the opposite sex. You know, your spouse is meant to be your best friend. Your spouse is meant to be your confidant. The person who gets you the most. The person you get the most. The person that you can trust and you can laugh together and you can tell your deepest, darkest, most scary thought ever. You can talk to your spouse about that. But, you know, it starts little by little it's not gonna happen all at once. Especially if you've kind of been distant for a while. It's not like all of a sudden you're gonna feel like having this big, deep conversation. I would start with praying about it. I think that I cannot emphasize enough the power of prayer and how it changes our perspective and opens up our heart. You know, we've talked about having a soft heart in the Word. It talks a lot about having, you know, not allowing your heart to grow hard. Because when you have a hardened heart, you're cut off from connecting. You're cut off from connecting with God. You're kind of, you know, you've allowed your heart to get hard where you're like, I don't even wanna talk to God. I certainly don't wanna talk to my spouse. I'm just gonna kind of go and do what I do and just kind of not really engage with anybody, but just get through life. And that's just not how we're meant to live. We're meant to live vibrant, thriving lives in relationship, first and foremost, with God. But secondly, if we're married, it's with our spouse. And that's the most important human relationship we have. And then if we have kids right underneath that, you know, we wanna make sure we're cultivating a strong relationship with our children. But when it comes to this, like, to keeping a soft heart, we need to pray about that. Like, so many times in our marriage, we've married almost 20 years. You know, there's been times where I've had a hardened heart. And it may not necessarily be against Dave. Maybe it has been, you know, like, I'm mad at Dave about something, or I'm mad at the kids about something. Or maybe I'm mad at God about something. And I will go to prayer even when I don't totally feel like it. Because you don't feel. Feel like it when you're mad. But I'll pray and I'll read the Word. And it is amazing how my situation may not have changed at all. Like, maybe all the circumstances are exactly the same, but my heart is soft and I'm able to go and talk about it. And there's been so many times in our marriage where each of us has been, like, ticky and just gruff and, like, having just a rough season. And when we go to God in prayer and we go to the Word and it just softens our heart. And so I just encourage you to do that. Just try it. If you haven't done it, you know, start just individually, but then if you can start doing it together, you know, through time when you feel more comfortable doing that, there's something really amazing about it. It doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be flowery language that you never would say on a normal day to day basis. Just talk normally to your father and just share your hearts, you know, with him and with one another. And I'm telling you, that will rekindle like nothing else. I mean, that will rekindle not only the romance, but just your relationship, like your connection to each other. It's time to save the Firestone Black Friday and Cyber Monday sale is on. Get 15% off all tires and $40 off a lifetime wheel alignment when you buy two or more eligible tires. Visit firestonecompleteautocare.com for details and more deals.

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For terms, visit BJ's.com Thanksgiving and get the same great savings online as in club. That is so true. And if you're in a long season where one or both of you is kind of gruff and grumpy like Ashley said, we've got an episode called Grumpy Spouse. Oh yes, surprisingly was like one of the most popular episodes we've done because we can all relate. So you can go check that out. And just to get real practical, like, when it comes to romance thoughtfulness, don't be afraid of the cliched stuff, the, you know, the flowers and the candy and all that. But also don't be afraid to get creative and that creativity. Continue to try to surprise each other in every season. Surprise each other with something that the other one might not have ever expected, but that's just incredibly thoughtful. Again, just take that word thoughtfulness and replace it for romance. If the word romance intimidates you and try to be as thoughtful as you can. One other thing I would add is start where you are. I think sometimes what discourages us is we're comparing our marriage in its current form to this like, idealized and fake picture of what we Think it should be. And I'll give you kind of a quick example of this that happened one Christmas at our house. Like, we had gone out with our kids and we bought gingerbread house kit from Walmart. And this gingerbread house kit had this perfect gingerbread picture on the COVID on the box. It just. It was gum, dusty, magical gum, dropped, perfectly symmetrical. And. And I had this vision in my head of what it was gonna look like for our family to put it together. And it was like a scene out of a Charles Dickens novel. But what happened instead is on the way home, our kids, cause they're rambunctious, were fighting over this box. And when we got home and dumped the pieces out, they had broken all the pieces in this gingerbread house.

It was just like every piece was broken.

It was. It was shattered. There were just shards of gingerbread. And I was so mad, like, you kids ruined Christmas. And I was getting ready to throw it away. And Ashley said, why are you throwing this away? And I said, because it's ruined. I said, it'll never look like the picture on the box. And she just very wisely and calmly, because she's so wise, she said, it doesn't have to look like the picture on the box. You know, that's somebody else's picture. Let's have fun with what we have. And so we started making oddly shaped gingerbread cookies out of the shards of gingerbread.

And we do that till this day, to this day.

It's created a new tradition. We break the pieces intentionally now. And we say that picture on the box is fake. That's somebody else's picture. Like, we like to break the pieces and have fun with them and make cookies and take the icing and wipe it on each other's noses. I mean, our kids were.

Well, and we actually eat it. Like a lot of those gingerbread houses people make them and they never eat them.

They just stare at it.

They just stare at it.

And it's moldy and we eat it and we enjoy it and it is fun and we laugh. But I almost missed that moment because I was working toward a picture that wasn't even real. So what does that have to do with romance? I think sometimes we give up on pursuing romance because we're comparing our marriage to a Hallmark movie that isn't even real. We're comparing our marriage to this make believe notion of romance that we saw in some book or some movie that that's not even real. And so instead of trying to make your life look like the picture on Somebody else's box, look at what you have and say, let's have fun with this. Let's start with what we've got, and let's make it our own. And let's be fun and playful and thoughtful and romantic, and let's connect and let's enjoy what we have and build toward a vision that we have together that might not look like the picture on anybody's box, because it's the unique love story God wants to write through our life.

I love that. And, you know, I love remembering kind of the message of that story. And every Christmas it reminds me of it because we still, you know, it's become a tradition. And, you know, none of us should have the same picture on the box because we're all unique individuals. And God has called you and your spouse to something unique and to something beautiful. And so just remember that. And I think comparison, it definitely is the thief of joy. And it, you know, I know that's a famous saying, but it's the truth. It steals our joy. It also steals our focus. We start focusing on the wrong things instead of focusing on the spouse that God has given us and the beautiful life he's given us right in front of us and all the beautiful treasure that's right there for the taking, but that we sometimes don't see because we're too focused on this other family that we think is perfect over there. But just realize that there's no perfect marriages out there. There's no perfect families because there's not one perfect human being. And so I take comfort in that. I hope you do, too. But I wanna mention one other thing before we kind of move into our question time. Don't underestimate the power of the written word. You know, I know we live in this digital age, and yes, you probably text. I mean, that is a form of the written word. You probably text your spouse throughout the day and things like that, or maybe email them. But there is something so beautiful about, you know, writing down how you feel about your spouse in your own handwriting. And, you know, we used to do marriage conferences years ago where we would. At the end of every conference, we would challenge them. It was usually a Friday, Saturday conference. And on the end of Friday, we would challenge them to go home and to get by themselves, okay, Individually and. And to write each other a love letter saying, specifically, not just in a. In a. An overall, like, oh, I love you, but, like, being really specific about the things you love about each other. We always gave this kind of. As a next step and Then we said the next day on Saturday that they would present them to each other and they'd have like, you know, 20 minutes to read it aloud to each other and then talk about it. And let me tell you, that next day on Saturday, whenever we would do that, we would see couples kind of all around the churches where we did these conferences, and they would be weeping because. And these would be people who were married for 25, 30 years. And I remember this one couple coming up to us and saying, I had no idea that he felt this way about me. I had no idea that one thing meant that much to him.

He never said this to me.

He never said this. And then the husbands would be teary eyed and they'd say, I never thought that she thought this about me or that she appreciated this particular attribute that I have. And, you know, so don't underestimate that. It's really special for a lot of people. They will keep those letters. Like, I'm a letterkeeper. I love keeping Dave's letters. I even have a whole scrapbook of our first, like two years dating and marrying. And our staff's nodding their heads cause they've all seen it because we did something with a project with it, but it's really cheesy. But I kept all those letters. And you know, for me, they mean the world to me. Like, if something happened to that book and those letters, I would be devastated because it's part of our story. And I think that it's important, maybe make this a yearly tradition at some point in the year. You know, maybe it's your anniversary, maybe it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's some random day. You know, it doesn't have to be a particular day, but just write down how you feel about each other. Maybe surprise your spouse with it. You know, we've had friends who are in the military who have to go off and be deployed. And one thing they did for each other is they hid letters around the house. Well, the husband hid letters around the house for the wife to find. And I know she treasured those letters because it was like little, little things where he would say what he loved about her or little things he would encourage her. You know, little verses or little sayings that he would encourage her to have a good day and just let her know that he was thinking about her and praying for her. So, so sweet. That is definitely a way to rekindle the romance and. And just to kind of throw a log on the fire.

Yeah. And don't feel like it all has to be Instagram perfect. Like, you don't have to post every aspect of your life on social media. Your. Your love story is not a reality TV show.

Right.

That the whole world has to be invited into. And so, yeah, it's. It's fine to. To share some things online, but it's fine. Hear me on this. It's fine to have some moments that are just for you two.

I think it's almost more special when you don't share it. Like, some of the most special moments in our life, they are just for us, you know? And I think that there's something so intimate about that when you're like, this is for us, you know? But whether it's something funny or it's something serious or just a revelation the two of you had, there's nothing wrong with having just this beautiful little treasure box between a husband and wife where they just keep on putting in those treasures that nobody else knows about, but the two of you know about it, and it's part of your story.

Yeah. That's beautiful. That's powerful. Wow. Well, that's a perfect lead into today's question, and we love hearing from you guys. Your questions help us think in new ways, and it helps us actually shape entire podcast episodes. So some questions that don't get answered on air end up becoming a whole episode in themselves. You can submit a question to us@nakedmarriagepodcast.com those are the ones that we specifically read here on air. But also, we do our best to answer your questions that you write us on social media. So if you're on Instagram, follow us avanashleywillis or Facebook. You can find Dave and Ashley Willis there or look up the marriage page on Facebook. We'll do our best to answer those messages as well, but today's question is a good one. And since, my love, you have got your beautiful reading glasses on, why don't you read this one for us?

All right. It says, there is an age gap between my husband and I that didn't seem to pose any problems when we first met. We were Both in our 40s, and our adventurous spirit and sex life was amazing. Now that he is in his 50s, it seems that his sexual desire is completely gone. He tends to gravitate to being surrounded by family constantly. Seriously, every single day. So alone time and making plans for our own fun is something we don't do anymore. I have tried to discuss this with him, but he thinks I just don't want his family around. And this is not the Case, I would just love to have some balance. But after everybody leaves, we are usually so tired, we just go to bed. I don't know how to make him understand that this is important to me. It's a really good question.

Really good question. Some of this, like I'm going to recycle some of the same tips I gave in the last episode to kind of refer back to Jimmy Evans. Four laws of love. That the laws of love include the law of priority and the law of pursuit, among others. And law of priority is the spouse comes first before family. That's God's design. It's God first, then our spouse, then family and everybody else. He's breaking that law. And again, he's not looking at it this way. I'm sure your husband's not like a mean guy or trying to be rude. He just doesn't see it this way that you have to come first. And another is a law of pursuit that you need to be continuously pursued, which includes pursued sexually. And if that, you know, physically, he's at a place right now where maybe his hormone levels are off. There are different medical issues. A healthy guy in his 50s, you know, should still have sex drive. And so if his is completely gone, that is, you know, that's, that's an issue that I would talk to a doctor about because very often it's, it's hormonal related. You know, his testosterone levels could be off or could be like prematurely eroding that we're in a way that it can be replaced. We live in an era where there is virtually unlimited access to, you know, to getting help in these areas.

Right.

And in some cases, and not to plant negative thoughts in your mind, but in some cases it could be. There could be some secret that is going on, like pornography. I hope it's not that, but it could be an issue where he's looking at pornography and he's kind of, you know, he's getting out his sex drive in that way, in a way that is not healthy for the marriage. And you need to have these kind of conversations to just eliminate what it could be and then to focus in on solutions of how to make it better. But the first solution is simply for him to prioritize you. It isn't a sex issue. It isn't a hormone issue. The first issue is a priority issue that you have to come first and you're not selfish in wanting that. That's the way God designed marriage. And we've got a whole lot more about that. But that's straight from the Bible. Like, this isn't just our opinion. That's the only way that a marriage.

Can work, you know? Absolutely. And it sounds like, too, it might be, if he is feeling like his desire is not as high as it once was, he could have some anxiety around performance. And sometimes what we do when we feel like, you know, like, we have anxiety about something is we avoid it. And maybe, you know, he is using family as a way to have to avoid it, because he's like, okay, everybody, come over. Let's host you. Let's do all this. Because then that means less time to have to face, like, oh, I need to. To go be intimate with my wife. You know, Instead, he's, like, trying to avoid it because maybe there's some anxiety there, and he's afraid that you guys will be in the moment and he won't be able to perform because things aren't working like they once did. But again, like Dave said, this is a great opportunity to talk about these things. You know, make sure that you reassure him and say, like, listen, I know, you know, we are getting older there. Sometimes hormones can change a little more rapidly than they should, and that's okay. It doesn't mean there's anything, like, inherently wrong with you. It's just, like, maybe the hormones are imbalanced and we can get help with this, but, you know, making sure that the marriage bed is a safe place to talk about these things. And not, like, in the moment when he can't perform, but just saying, like, I love you, and please don't be anxious. You know, we're gonna get through this together. I think it's really important for those things to happen. But again, I do think that this is your home and your life. You can't feel like you can't have a safe place and, like, a place of reprieve in your home. If you feel like you're always having people over, always hosting, it's okay to want some time to yourself. I mean, that's a human need, is for your home to be a place of reprieve and a place where you and your husband can just be and have time. And, you know, you probably have. If you have children, they're grown. And so this is a beautiful time to have time together. And I would just remind him of that and say, like, you know, I know we want to have time with your family. We love your family, but we also need to invest in our marriage, because right now, I don't feel like things are really where they need to be. And I love you and I don't want to feel, you know, resentful. I don't want to feel hurt. And I know you probably don't intend that, but that's kind of how I feel right now. And I think it'd be a great way to just open up to each other and really address the issue head on.

Yeah, that's, that's a really good word. Thank you for your question and we're praying for you and for all those in those situations, like Ashley said, there's certainly, you know, no shame at all in an area of feeling like, oh, I have anxiety around performance. Sure, there's, there's help. There are so many resources to help with that. And so I would, I would look, look into that. So thank you for your question. Thank you to all of you for listening to today's episode. We love you guys. We truly do. We love reading your reviews. We love the encouragement that you send and just knowing that you're listening, it really, it really is a gift to us. So thanks for being part of this online community and we will look forward to seeing you next time.

Bye, guys.

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