Sex After Kids // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time. Hump day, Q and A. Hump day, Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

So today's question says, my husband and I had our first child 16 months ago. Our libidos used to be about the same. Since having our son, however, mine has dropped significantly. I thought it was maybe hormonal or because I was sleep deprived, but we are all good now on sleep and it's been 16 months, so surely hormones have figured themselves out. I don't know what to do. I miss wanting to have sex with my husband. And I know I he would receive this well, but I still don't know how to talk about it. It's been going on so long. I don't want him to feel like I'm just lying around waiting to have sex for the last year. I love our son very much, but I miss our life before when it was just us. So congratulations on your son, your growing family, and thank you for the courage in writing this. I think so many people find themselves in this similar dynamic, especially after having that first child or any big life transition. But so few people will really talk about it. And so we want to be a safe place where we talk about these things. So thank you for the question. You're not alone. Many people have found themselves in the same dynamic. Sweetie, what's your advice?

No, I do appreciate her honesty and I get like the feeling right there. She said, you know, I love our son absolutely, but I miss our life before when it was just us. I went through this. Do you remember? I mean, I broke down and cried and it just. Even though, I mean, we were thrilled to be parents. And so I totally get that sentiment. And then there's the guilt you feel because you're a little bit grieving being just the two of you. That doesn't mean you don't love your child or children. I mean, it's just saying, like, it was different. And I do miss that. But I wanna tell you this. She made a comment about saying, surely the hormones have figured themselves out. And I understand that usually you can tell just by the Physiological changes that a woman goes through with having a baby, nursing a baby, stopping nursing a baby, all those things, we lose big chunks of our hair. I mean, the hormones do a lot to our bodies. Our mood can be all over the place, our emotions can be all over the place. But I would just say don't assume that, because I know even from experience that just because it's been 16 months doesn't mean that your hormones are leveled out. And also, and Dave can speak to this. We have this little thing called a thyroid in our body, in our neck.

Yeah, I got one. It's all messed up.

It's all messed up. And he has to take medication for it. But with women, I've heard that many women, and I have friends actually where their thyroid, even if it's not like their hormones per se, that are out of whack, their thyroid can be a little off kilter. And that can cause a huge drop in sex drive. And so I would just encourage you to go to your doctor. You can even go to your OB GYN and say, listen, can you test me for my hormone levels, my testosterone levels, you know, all the different levels, you know, hormonally. But can you also do a scan of my thyroid, make sure that my thyroid levels are correct? Because it could be the culprit. And that is something that is actually fixable. I mean, you can take medication to help with that. Same thing with your hormones. There are things you can do that will help with that. And so I wanna give you hope in knowing that it doesn't have to be this way. It doesn't. You know, you don't have to forever not feel like you ever wanna have sex again. There are things that you can do. And I think talking about it is key. And just owning the fact that you're feeling this way and that you feel a little off sexually right now, and just being honest with your husband, because it's important to be honest about these things with each other. Keeps the connection close. But I think getting help and reaching out is key.

And like Ashley said, there are solutions to almost every sex drive killer out there. I mean, the hormones, things like bioidentical that you can take that are going to naturally give you a boost in terms of your sex drive and the hormone levels or medically. There are things out there, so keep looking for solutions. But then also, I know that you're not just the two of you anymore, but your marriage is still and always should be a high priority. And if you can do some things to get back to just the two of you and maybe that's planning a weekend away where it's just you two and you get somebody to come and watch your son where you get away and it's just you two. Or maybe it's trying to get back out on their own date nights consistently where you're just reconnecting as a couple. You're not just mom and dad, but you're husband and wife and partners and best friends again. And like Ashley said, being really honest about where you are, taking some of that pressure off of yourself and just not beating yourself up like something's wrong with me and it's never going to be right again. But just say no. This is a season we're in and my body's been through trauma. We've been through all this transition, but we've got so much to be thankful for right now with this growing family. And we're going to keep moving forward and keep looking for solutions.