Sex Drive Changes | 14 Days of Sex | Day 8

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Hey, friends, welcome Back to day eight of 2024 and our 14 consecutive days of doing quick episodes all about sex. I hope these have been helpful to you. We're done with week one and we've had a lot of fun and we've got some great things in store for, for week two. So don't, don't cut out early.

That's right.

Don't make, don't, don't, don't prematurely.

I knew you were going to say something about sexual innuendos. This whole series, this whole series, actually.

Tomorrow'S is all about premature ejaculation, which is an important issue to discuss. It is, but we're not going to get there early. We're going to wait till tomorrow because.

Today we're going to talk about sex drive changes. And you guys write us all the time about this.

Oh, yeah.

And, you know, first of all, we want to talk about what causes changes in sex drive, you know, because it's not just aging, although that is one of the causes. And, you know, it can be a lot of different things. And so first of all, you know, no matter what age you are, you can have sex drive changes due to medical issues or mental health issues.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you can be on medicine that can cause your libido to lower. For example, you can have maybe some mental health issues where maybe you're depressed or anxious and that affects your sex drive. But then to make matters worse, you maybe finally go to the doctor and you get on an antidepressant. And sadly, there are some antidepressants, not all, but some antidepressants that negatively impact people's sex drive. Okay. And unfortunately it's not, it's not the other way around. It's like usually it lowers the sex drive.

Yeah, I know you think like, man, it'd be nice if the antidepressant, like came with like some built in Viagra or something.

That's not the case.

It doesn't. And we've experienced, we've experienced some of this in our own marriage.

Oh, yeah.

Like I had some pretty massive sex drive Changes that. In my late 30s, I got diagnosed with a thyroid disorder. You know, my hormones were out of whack. That kind of. That kind of led to depression. So I had the mental health thing going on. The hormones being down for the first time in my life. My sex drive was gone, and I even had anxiety.

And then you got anxiety because of that, right?

About not having sex drive or afraid that I wouldn't be able to perform. And these were brand new feelings and brand new insecurities. And Ashley was so tender and encouraging through that. But we worked through it. You know, now I'm on the right thyroid medication and an antidepressant, and I'm. I got on testosterone. And that all. The combination of all that was a game changer to really bring back my virility.

Yeah. And I feel it, but it took a while.

It took a while. It wasn't. It wasn't instant. And I mean, I was really discouraged there for a time. Like, oh, my gosh, I'm still the relatively young guy and I already feel old. And. And so it was the discouraging time. And so if you were going through that or your spouse is going through that, be really tender and compassionate and patient with each other.

Yeah.

And complimentary of each other. Build each other up. But also just know that, like, there are solutions out there, guys. I mean, I. I had to try a few things that didn't work. You know, I tried a lot of kind of natural solutions that didn't really work. I tried one medication that didn't work, but finally you got the right. The right combo. And then in addition, making the lifestyle changes, like, okay, I'm going to exercise more. I'm going to sleep. Make sure my. Prioritize my sleep schedule. I'm going to try to remove stress, those things that naturally can kill sex drive and also just harm our mental health and quality of life. And so I haven't got it all figured out. But here, now, at the time of this recording, at 45 years old, I feel.

45 and alive.

I say I feel significantly better than I felt at 40. I would say no, you really do.

It's been. Honestly, it's been over several years.

Yeah.

Like, this process. And what's interesting, and I want to. This is just. We're talking for this particular portion of the podcast. This is just our personal anecdotes. Like, this is what we have experienced. And I want to say this, like, for Dave, he started with just our general practitioner, like his general physician, doctor who's. Who's awesome. That was redundant. I don't know why I said it. His like, you know, gp.

Yeah, primary.

So primary guy. And, and he's awesome. But this is not his specialty. Like I, you, you may be, you know, one of the few that if you're having low sex drive issues, maybe your doctor does have some expertise in this and does know how to remedy it, but most don't.

My guy, he's, he's a good doctor, but he doesn't know anything about it. He reluctantly gave me a prescription which.

Didn'T really work, which did not work well because it wasn't high enough.

He didn't want to look at other solutions. He, he didn't really believe in testosterone is what he called it as a lifestyle drug. And, and so I had to, I went to somewhere else that just specializes in hormone replacement. That's just what they do well.

And I will just to give people tips on like, well, how do I find this place? I mean, you can do your googling, look at reviews, and that's the beauty of like, you know, look up the doctors and their credentials and all that sort of thing. But I would go to someone who specializes in this. In our town. Our little place is just called the center for Modern Aging because oftentimes it is due to aging that people have issues with sex, you know, sexual issues, but also with testosterone. Because, you know, Dave too, you weren't going to these doctors just for the sexual issue. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, absolutely go just for that. But it was also your energy, it was your mood, it was like your thyroid was attacking your hormones and then everything was being affected by it. But what was so cool about this place is the doctors at this place, they are well versed. Like, in fact, I remember I actually went and got had a consult just for energy purposes. And like, as I age and as I enter menopause, which I'm not even close to there, I'm only 42, but I wanted to just get educated. I wanted to be able to feel my best. And so these places often have doctors that will do more specific blood testing that is looking more specifically at a more broad spectrum test than you would get at a general doctor. And so when they did this test on you and they did this test on me, they're not only looking at your hormone levels and your thyroid levels, but they're looking also at your different vitamins. And oftentimes these doctors, because he had just come back from this, you know, conference where all of these people who specialize in this from all around the United States had met and they get like the most cutting edge information on the research, you know, and finding out what can we do to help people. What is, what are, what is the safest and most effective way to help people having these hormonal issues and sex drive issues. And, and they're, and they oftentimes are willing to look at solutions that you will not get just with a general medical practice. And I know for some of you that sounds really scary and some of you doctors listening, this may sound really scary. I promise you that we are not doctors. You need to go to the professionals.

Thank you for the disclaimer.

Yes. I just want to make sure because we trust our doctors wholeheartedly. But when it came to this particular issue, it was important for Dave to go to more specialists.

You have to be your own advocate if you know you don't feel good.

Yes. And it's not working like what you're doing.

You're doing everything you can do medically and otherwise. And I'm trying to make lifestyle changes and all that and I still just don't feel good. Then keep searching for solutions because like I got to a place where I was like, well, maybe this I'm just going to feel bad the rest of my life. But then I'm like, no, I'm going to look. There's got to be more out there. And so just keep looking. You know, Jesus said, seek and you will find. And really the verb tense he used in that verse was whatever you keep seeking is what you find. You know, if you keep knocking, the door will open. Sometimes you got to knock on multiple doors.

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And I did.

And I did too. I mean there I remember years ago as a mom with multiple kids, just feeling like my sex drive was lower, my energy was lower. I actually went to a doctor a do a doctor of osteopath, which again, sometimes they do more wide spectrum testing and I got a big wide spectrum test done, found out some of my vitamin levels and mineral levels were off and I got some supplements and then I got on what's called a bioidentical hormones or bioid, which for me at the time was safe. For some people, it would not be a safe. A safe method. But again, you have to just do your research and just, you know, your body and they know, you know, find professionals that can give you more information and do your research and make a good decision. But it did help me. It's a little pellet you guys have heard us talk about before, that they shoot into your hip. It's very small. And your body takes the amount of testosterone or estrogen, depending on what you're being treated for that it needs to basically to be at an appropriate level. Okay. And so for some, it's going to last the full four months. For some it will last less than that, depending on your metabolism as well. But it really helped me. And then ultimately it's the doctor, I had you go. I said, please go. And that's the doctor that discovered your thyroid disorder. And so it really has helped us in the long run to find solutions. But what I want to say with this is, it's not. This is not all just about taking testosterone or supplements or whatever. When it comes down to it, you know, probably at some point in your marriage, somebody's gonna have change in sex drive. Like it might be that one of you all of a sudden is kind of, you know, reached your prime, and all of a sudden there's a bump in sex drive. Like you're feeling really good, you've lost weight, you maybe your levels are really good, and you're. And you have this higher sex drive, and your spouse is. Is used to maybe one schedule, and all of a sudden one of you has a higher one or two or, you know, most of the time, one of you maybe gets a lower one because you've aged, or you maybe you've hit menopause or maybe, which often lowers.

Sex drive or you've had a health issue.

Right.

Like if cancer comes up.

Exactly.

And then all of a sudden with. With female cancers in particular, you're not. You're not a candidate for hormone replacement.

You cannot do that. No.

It puts you at risk for more cancer, and you have to.

You have to work through that.

Work through that. And. And so this isn't just a magic bullet that fixes everything, because not everybody's even a candidate for. For it. You, like Ashley's saying, you have to work through whatever season you're in and try to make the most of it right where you are.

And that's the main thing is we have to not point fingers, not get angry with each other or frustrated. We do get a lot of messages from you all saying, like, you know, my wife, like, I remember recently we had a husband write us and he was so frustrated, and he said, you know, for the past 10 years, my wife's sex drive has just gotten lower and lower and lower. And I feel like she's just really dismissing my desire and my drive. And he was so frustrated. He was like, you know, I love my wife so much, but I just can't fathom another 10 years where this just keeps on diminishing. I'm a starving man and I want to be faithful. And I get like, my heart goes out to both of them because I think in the wife's mind, you know, she's aging and she's. I don't know what else. He didn't give me more perspective, but I think that's a dynamic and maybe vice versa. I mean, it could be. We've had women write us saying, you know, my husband comes home exhausted from work, and I'm exhausted too, from work, but I still want to have a sex life, and he's just not interested. What do I do about this? And so what? What. The main thing that any couple, no matter what the reason that the sex drive is lowering or changing, is that we've got to come together and be honest and assess where we are and say, and say what's really on our heart and say, listen, I've noticed a change in my own sex drive or in your sex drive, and I feel like we're just not connecting sexually. And I feel like frustrated all the time. I feel sexually frustrated because I want to be with you, but I feel like you don't have that desire. What can we do? Or what can I do to maybe meet maybe these other needs that will make you more inclined, you know, to be romantic? Because maybe that's what's going on. Maybe there's just not enough communication happening to where they feel that intimate bond. Because sex is all about connection. And it's really an outpouring of an intimate connection that is already there because of the love and the communication, the connection that you share. And so we've got to be able to have these gut level conversations. And I feel like if there's been an ongoing sexual issue with the drive, and you feel like one of you just never has had much of a drive, there are Christian sex therapists that can really assess this and really give you solutions well beyond what we just mentioned that you didn't even know were possible. But there is so much out there. You know, we've interviewed shanti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Seitzma on the podcast a few months back. And if you look up Dr. Mike Seitzma, I think is how he's listed.

S Y T S M A.

He's Yes. On Instagram.

Very well respected Christian sex therapist.

Yeah.

Which is very specific. And it's an important niche to have.

Yeah. And he has so many resources.

So many.

Yeah. But I think that the bottom line is being able to have that gut level conversation, not making assumptions and just getting the help that you need. And I'm telling you guys, there are solutions. And so keep searching, keep talking. I mean, it really is about. It's more about. It's less about the doctors and the supplements and it's much more about your relationship. And I think as sexually frustrated as sometimes we can get when our sex drives are lopsided, we need to remember why we married our spouse and that they're a real person who's probably dealing with stuff. I mean, and not just assume the worst about them, but really communicate. And if we need professional help to get to the deeper root issue, then we need to reach out for help.

Man, that's great advice. And like all these episodes, we just, we hope this leads to more meaningful conversations between you and your spouse where, like Ashley said, you're not pointing fingers, but you're really talking through it and trying to get to the root of what's going on and to connect on every level. Because better communication is going to help you connect both inside and outside the bedroom. If you want a resource to kind of help guide you through this conversation, our book the Counterfeit Climax, which is all about unlearning some of the broken false messages, the counterfeit messages about sex and relearning God's beautiful design for it and getting to the root of maybe how and where things could get better in your marriage in this area. I think that book could be really helpful whether you get the audiobook or the hardcover. Check that out again. Any resource from xo. We recommend all the proceeds from that resource go right back into the ministry and help us continue and to do what we do to encourage more couples. So thank you guys for your support and partnership. We'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow.