Sex Q&A

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And you guys, we are continuing in our series on sex, and we are answering your questions. And we appreciate you guys trusting us to be a place where you can, you know, ask a question, ask any kind of question. We really don't take that lightly. And we just appreciate your courage to ask these kinds of questions. We want to be a safe place where we can discuss anything. And hopefully you feel. Feel like we are a source of sound advice. And so today we're gonna answer your questions. And before we get into that, I just wanna say thank you to those of you who have left reviews and also urge you, if you have not left a review, to do so, because it's the easiest and quickest way to let other people know about this podcast and to spread the message around the world that people can have a stronger, more thriving marriage. And so thank you guys.

Yeah, we really appreciate you. And wherever in the world you're listening or even watching on YouTube, it just blows our minds to look at the data and see people listening, you know, all over the world. You know, here in America, but then also Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, South America, like all over the world, people are listening. And it's just such a privilege to us to know you're inviting us into your homes, your cars, into your ears. And we love having these conversations today. It's all about sex, questions about sex. And we think that these questions, they're some of the most popular ones we've received. And stick around to the very end of this episode because the last question we answer is one of the more common questions we get. And I don't think we've ever addressed it at any time.

And a lot of people won't address it.

A lot of people won't even touch this one.

It's about a certain sexual act.

And so stick around to the end and let us know what you think. But let's dive into today's episode.

All right, guys, we are talking about all things sex related. We are gonna have. Yes, we're gonna do a sex Q and A. Specifically, you guys. We receive questions from you guys all the time via email or Ave and Ashley. We willis on instagram or through nakedmarriagepodcast.com and so we're gonna go through some of those questions.

That's right. And just a reminder, every Wednesday, we release a full episode called Hump Day. Q and A. And if it's a sex related question. It's literally hump day.

Q and A. Oh goodness.

I know, I'm here for the puns. Answering one of your questions as a full episode. So not only these Monday episodes, but every Wednesday too. So check that out. But you guys write us great questions like Ashley just said. And we wanna address some of those questions right now. Some of the most popular questions, starting with this one. How frequently should a married couple have sex? We get this one a lot, don't we?

We do. We have whole episodes on this. But honestly, you guys, I wish we had an actual number as an answer and we don't. Because the truth is every married couple is different. Each spouse has a different libido and for frequency. And so what you really have to do is just make sure that sex is regularly happening. Meaning like it, you know, it needs to be happening frequently, but, but based on kind of your. Each individual needs, you need to basically decide what that number looks like. I would start with, you know, maybe once a week or something and then move from there and just make sure that it's happening regularly so that you're connecting in that way.

Yeah, starting with consistency, saying like as a baseline, we're going to make sure that if we're not doing it at least once a week, that's an emergency because we're not. And we're going to make sure that happens. But we're going to have a goal of doing it at least twice a week or at least three times a week. And we're going to try to make sure that there's never either of us that feels deprived and one of us is going to have the higher libido. And again, we have full episodes. We have one just called Lopsided Sex drives. The whole episode is about how to deal with that. It takes a lot of communication, it takes a lot of mutual understanding. And if you feel like you're the one whose need is not being met, you've got to really watch out. Looking to other things like pornography or falling into the habit of masturbation as a way to meet that own need, which is going to retrain your brain to look at sex as a solo sport. Even when you are making love to your spouse at that point you're essentially because if mentally it's been all fueled by fantasies and self focused pleasure, that even making love is going to start becoming that. And sex and marriage should be mutually selfless and mutually satisfying. And so just keep all those things in mind, but make it consistent. I think consistency is the key word and talk to your spouse about what consistency really means for you. And even the Bible says, don't deprive each other. And if, if it's, and if it's gone on for a while that that's been happening, then, then come back together so that neither of you fall into temptation. That God's own word is telling us make sure that there's consistency here. But even the Bible doesn't give us a roadmap of what that looks like, the consistency once a week or three times a week, and we can't do that either. And in each season of marriage, in fact, last week's episode on the seasons of sex, which, if you missed, go back and listen to it, I think it will help you look at sex in a new way. In every season, that number is going to look different. You know, when you're, when you have young babies at home, it's probably going to happen less often than it did when there was nobody in the house and you could just run around naked all day when you wanted. So in every season, it's going to look different. There might be some seasons in your marriage where you're doing it once a week, some seasons in your marriage where you're doing it four times a week. Some seasons in your marriage where, because of illness or injury, where you've got to go long stretches of time where you can't physically have intercourse at all, and you have to learn to connect in other ways while you're healing, getting to a place where it can start happening again. But just make sure you're consistently connecting.

So important. You know, another question that we do receive all the time is kind of, is there any place for masturbation in marriage? Like, that's one that. And again, we do have whole episodes. But just, you know, if you're newer to the podcast, it might be something worth addressing. But. But we do. They're saying, you know, is there any scenario where it's okay or is it completely off limits? What would you say, sweetie?

It's a great question. We did a YouTube video on the Exo Marriage YouTube channel where Pastor Judah Smith was making comments about how when he's on the road, he was very open and saying, you know, he thinks about his wife and masturbates as a way to protect himself from temptation and also kind of mentally stay connected to his wife. And I wouldn't say that that's a sin. I don't think it's a sin to fantasize about your wife or your husband and to Masturbate. The danger here isn't really, is it a sin or not a sin? Is it what's the best thing? And if I'm masturbating, especially doing it consistently, am I not training my mind and my body to just respond to sex in a selfish way? Because masturbation is all about your own pleasure. It's all about you and sex and marriage. It's got to be each of you focused on the other one. So if you go into sex and you're already trained to have having it had been all about you, then you're just going to instinctually try to use your spouse to get yourself to orgasm as quickly as possible instead of really connecting. So I don't think it's necessarily a sin. Especially in these situations where you're a soldier, deployed, and you're out for nine months, and you're, you're trying to find ways just to not lose your mind and you're thinking about each other and masturbating, you're on the phone having phone sex, trying to enjoy each other intimately from a distance. I think that you have the freedom to get creative there. But anytime we're masturbating, the danger is that we're rewiring our brain and body. To view sex as a solo sport instead of sex is a point of connection as it's meant to be. And certainly any kind of masturbation that's fueled by outside fantasy, that is always out of bounds. If pornography is out of bounds or porn fueled fantasy, or any fantasy that's not about your spouse. So we've got to remain in marriage both physically monogamous and mentally monogamous. That's the real key here. What's happening in your mind.

Exactly. And even Judah Smith, one thing he was talking about, kind of one of the reasons that he was so open about, you know, masturbating and fantasizing about his wife while on the road is he was saying it's a way to guard and honor his marriage. Like essentially not being kind of a starving man potentially around these women. And I get where he's coming from. Here you guys can go watch our kind of video response to this. And I do, I commend him for being so honest and willing to talk about this. But I think, though, that I think it depends on how long you're gonna be gone too, because I made the point of saying, you know, if it's just for a couple days, my goodness, just wait till you get home and then you're really craving each other. And let it be this beautiful reunion.

Exactly.

And so I think that if it's always a go to, well, okay, I'm gone from home, so I need to masturbate. I just. I don't know, I personally feel like, you know, just. It's a slippery slope. We gotta be really mindful of what we're doing and. And not, I don't know, take away from our spouse because you went along for your spouse. So, you know, that's. We could, we could talk more about this. And we do, in the Counterfeit Climax book, we do go into more detail with that. I think, you know, we get all kinds of questions from you guys. Sometimes they're just as practical as, like, what lubricant is good to use? Like, you know, there's. There's all kinds of different ones out there. You know, the standard that's been around forever. Like when we got married, in fact, at my. What's it called? A lingerie shower. Remember, somebody threw me a lingerie shower, and I can't even remember who it was, but I had a lingerie shower. So, like, basically, people, you know, come to your. It's women who come to your bridal shower and they buy you lingerie or things having to do with sex. And so anyway, I remember that I received a lot of KY Jelly. And, you know, back then it was just like a tube of KY Jelly. They didn't even have, like, the his and hers oils that are supposedly, like, pretty cool. But anyway, I would say this. We've heard from a lot of people that these are something they're allergic to. And when that happens, they're like, well, what do I do now? I mean, that's the thing that's out in the stores.

Hey, I'm glad you asked.

I'm glad you asked. Because doctors even will recommend more natural ways to do this.

Yeah, I mean, things like KY Jelly might work great for you.

They might work for you great. Yeah.

And first off, there's no shame at all in needing a lubricant.

Sure.

You know, it can make it more pleasurable for both of you. And so don't ever feel badly about that. Like, oh, well, we've just got to kind of push through because our body should be doing this naturally. And you know what?

For different reasons, they may not.

For different reasons they might not. Or even if it is working naturally, it mightwhatever you can do to enhance the experience for you both. Be thankful that there are ways to enhance things and so take advantage of that. So in addition to things like KY Jelly, the natural solutions are natural oils. Coconut oil is an excellent one.

If you're not allergic to coconut, just make sure. Obviously, be very, very careful you're not.

Allergic to these, just like you could be allergic to KY Jelly. Coconut oil and safflower oil. Both work really well. And as long as there's no allergy involved, like, there's really. There's no irritation, there's no. There's no side effects.

Sure.

It's usually cheaper than things that are marketed specifically as lubricants. And in a pinch, you can also cook with them. So there you go. It's got. You can cook in more ways than one with those lovely oils.

That's right. I've also heard of one our friends at One Extraordinary Marriage who. We've done articles for them. They have a great ministry, and they often talk about sex. They often advertise about one called Uber Lube. Like, you know, and they say it's a great product. There's a lot of great feedback on that. I think it's something you order online. It's called Uber Lube. So, yeah, you just have to kind of see what works for you. And again, I think they're coming out, like, people are coming out with different products that can help when it comes to lubricants. So just do your research. Also, make sure if you have an allergy, there's nothing in there that's going to irritate you because that would definitely put a damper on things. I want to say this, though. We're not in this phase of life yet, but I hear from so many women, especially who are menopausal, who talk about this being the issue, because menopause can cause extreme dryness, and it can be extremely painful for a woman to have intercourse. And so, you know, just be mindful of that. And also husbands, a way you can really make your wife feel better, because she already is going through all kinds of emotions and temperature changes and body changes, and it's a really hard time for a woman. You can make her feel better, you know, by. By taking off any stigma of the lubricant and saying, like, this is just a change in life. No big deal. Would you be open to a lubricant? You know, I just want to make sure this is pleasurable for you, too, and that might make her feel more willing to maybe consider it, because I do think that as we age, it can feel a little bit like, oh, man, now I, you know, I can't just have sex Whenever I feel like it and feel, you know, know that things are going to work in the same way, like with testosterone. Like, there's things that affect guys as you age.

If you need that little blue pill or if you need a hormone treatment, whatever you need, be thankful that stuff exists.

Exactly.

And get the help that you need. So there are solutions. In these times we live in, there are solutions to almost every sexual issue. And so make it good for both.

Of you and not making your spouse feel weird or bad or older, things like that. Because that's what I hear, especially from women going through menopause. They write us a lot, and they're like, you know, this is just such a weird time. And I just want to enjoy sex, but it's painful sometimes and not even due to the dryness, but all the hormone changes. So just be very, very tender with each other.

In fact, we need to. I'm just making this as a mental note, and we've talked about it, but we need to do a full episode on probably more than one.

Yes.

Because it is. So many of you write us in that season, and I'm so thankful that you do. And we try to share resources, but we want to bring on a really good interview for that one.

Yes.

And talk about that from a medical standpoint, from a sexual standpoint, emotionally, all of that. Because it's a really important season of marriage to walk through well together.

It is.

So great questions. Here's one. I don't think we've ever addressed this question on the podcast, though we get it quite a bit. And that is, what about anal sex?

We do get that question a lot.

Anal sex has been made very prevalent through pornography. And I know this from having had a problem with porn in the past. And the prevalence of it there, I think, has kind of immediately led to the prevalence of it in modern relationships. And so more people than ever are either experimenting with that or doing it as part of their regular sexual repertoire. And so people ask, is that sinful? Is that wrong? You know, I'll say for full disclosure, this is something that neither Ashley nor I have participated in. However, just reading the Bible, I don't see anything in there that says this is wrong in marriage. I don't see anything in the Bible condemning any sexual act within marriage. Now, the Bible talks about this act being wrong within homosexual activity.

And I think that's where the people aren't sure.

Right.

Because they think, oh, well, associated with that.

Right. But I mean, in the same way, I think with oral sex, sometimes they.

Would Say, I think you're totally right. Yeah.

But the context in which it's talked about in a negative way in Scripture is very specific to homosexual activity and not within the covenant of marriage, where within one man, one woman in marriage, there's just, biblically speaking, an enormous amount of freedom to celebrate and explore each other's bodies. Now, with anal sex, some of the. The dangers of it, just medically speaking, is that it can be. It can be painful for the woman. It can, you know, it can cause, you know, it can just cause discomfort and.

And even infection. Like, you know, there's a big risk with. With anal sex. Like, it, let's say, like, you're sexually, you know, you're having anal sex and then you go to. To vaginal intercourse, and that can cause a lot of infection. Like, that's been a concern for a lot of women because, you know, you're essentially, you're taking.

Right. Bacteria from here and putting bacteria from.

There, putting it there. That's what, you know, can cause UTIs and a lot worse things, you know. And so that's something that, if you are going to consider that you would not want to mix the two, basically.

Right, yeah. Or the order in which things happen.

Right, that's what I'm saying. Like, the order has to be a specific order.

Right. And so those are things to keep in mind. And then on top of that, like, there are some women, apparently, who say they enjoy this, but in terms of just anatomically, the body is not designed for the receiver to really be experiencing pleasure. Like women in the innate act of it themselves, when they say they enjoy it, I think it's more from just the kind of the dominance posture, I guess, of the man saying, like, I enjoy that I enjoy, or knowing your partner enjoys it. Yeah, knowing the partner enjoys it. And just kind of like with oral sex, the giver might not feel physically be receiving pleasure, but they could receive pleasure just from knowing that I'm doing this to give pleasure and I'm receiving pleasure by seeing the pleasure it brings to my spouse. But it's not one of those acts that's usually mutually pleasurable in the way that intercourse would be.

Right.

And so it's one of those things where, again, it's not about sin or not sin. I don't see in scripture this being an issue where you could say, in a married couple, that's sin. And I think that what married couples do behind closed doors, where there's mutual consent and no one's getting hurt and no other person's Being brought in, I think you just have an enormous freedom and it's certainly not our place or anyone's place to come in as a referee and blow a whistle and call fouls on certain acts. I do think, you know, if anything, Christians especially should have more freedom than they're realizing in the bedroom. But with this question, we get it a lot and it was just one that we felt like we had to address specifically just to let you know, look, if this is something that you're into and you both are cool with.

It and you both feel safe, you.

Both feel safe, it's not one pressure. I think the issue is a lot of what we hear is it's the man pressuring the woman and he's gotten it in his head through pornography that this is just the fantasy that he needs. And the woman finally is just giving into that pressure, not enjoying the act itself and then feeling, not even enjoying it, but feeling pressured to do it in the first place. And instead of that act bringing them closer together, this, this point of temporary pleasure for the man is actually causing long term tension and friction in the relationship. And so you guys just have to be really honest about what you like, what you don't like, and make the marriage bed the safest place on earth for you both. And if one of you is just really not into something, don't push it. Just say, we'll take that off the menu, it's okay.

And it could do more damage. You know, I feel like, especially when it comes to things like oral and anal, that's a big. People have very, you know, deep seated feelings when it comes to this, based on how they were raised and maybe even past experiences, you know, with some of these, it may have been something that was forced upon them at, in a previous relationship or at a younger age and that, you know, you don't want to cause more wounds. So we have to be so careful. And again, the marriage bed needs to be the safest place on earth. Where everyone is having, you know, is understanding one another, is being loving and kind and showing lots and lots of respect and grace. Because I feel like, especially I hear women when it comes to anal sex in particular, they just thinking like, they won't consider it because they feel like it's so degrading to them. And so for some women, like, let's say they go ahead and agree to do it, feeling degraded by their husband could mess with them for a while. So this is something that you just need to really weigh and really consider and really pray through and Just remember, too, that there shouldn't be shame associated with your sex life. So if there's any. Any act that makes you feel ashamed, really talk through that. And it'd probably be wise not to do that until you both feel like you're on the same page with it, because then all of a sudden, you're associating shame with your sex life. And you might go through with it and do things, but that's not what God wanted. He wanted it to be a place that's filled with love and it to be exciting and to be a place that you want to be a lot, that you want to experience a lot, where it's a place of connection and you feel closer to God, not further away from God, because God created sex for marriage. And so it should feel. We should feel a closeness with God. It should be one of those kind of experiences that you literally thank God for.

Yeah, you really should. And if you don't, and maybe you have baggage that makes you feel like God doesn't like sex, then you got to get to the root of that as well, because sometimes it's spiritual baggage that's holding us back in the bedroom as well. And we talk a lot about this in all forms of sexual baggage in our book the Counterfeit Climax. And I think that could be a really helpful resource to you as well. Guys, thank you for these questions. As always, you can send us questions on Instagram, aveandashleywillis and aakedmarriagepodcast.com and those questions often get turned into Wednesday hump day Q and A episodes. We'll have one of those coming out in just two days. Every week we release an episode just specifically answering one of your questions. Thank you guys for all that you do continue to prioritize your sex life and every part of your marriage. We'll see you next time. Bye.