Sexpectations Part 2

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Hey friends, welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are so excited about today's episode. But before we dive in, I want to share a recent review with you and it is from the American Cheese and it's entitled Good to Great. It says, let me start by saying thank you. My wife and I have had a really good marriage. She is absolutely my best friend. We are in ministry together and she supports every move God leads us to make. We started listening to the Naked Marriage together and have listened nonstop since we started. Our marriage has moved from good to great in all caps. We listen apart and discuss together. We are so thankful for your ministry. You know, we just love hearing from you guys because it really keeps us going and we just thank you guys for leaving those reviews. If you haven't left a review yet and you love this podcast and you've been a fan for a long time, please leave us a five star review and let us know what you think and share it with your friends.

Yes. Thank you so much for those who are leaving reviews and helping others discover the important message behind this podcast which is really just to help strengthen marriages. Because when your marriage is stronger, every part of life tends to benefit as a result. I am super excited about today's episode. It's actually a part two. It's a follow up to last week's episode. We're talking about a lot of the nuts and bolts related to sex. Yes. And last week was more about the emotional side. But this week we're going to have such an honest and in some ways clinical conversation about the physical side of sex. What to expect, whether you're you're getting ready to have it for the first time. But also some solutions for those of you who are experiencing maybe pain with sex trouble reaching orgasm. Because we have a specialist here today who from a medical perspective is going to give us such insight. Her name is Dr. Becky Allen. She's a physical therapist and a doctor of physical therapy. She works at Genesis Physical Therapy and Wellness, which is here in the Dallas Fort Worth area. But she also has resources online that we'll address throughout the podcast. She has a bachelor's degree from Dallas Baptist University at doctorate from Texas Women's University. Her husband's name is Philip, and she has two young children named Duke and Ava. And she's a women's specialist. So she's working directly with women. And she is so wise in her approach to really helping women to experience fullness in this aspect of their marriage. It's going to be a great conversation today, so let's dive in. We are so excited about today's conversation. We have got a very, very, very cool guest who is an expert in a lot of the areas we're going to talk about today. And in fact, Becky, why don't you. We start off, just tell us, or tell the listeners rather a little bit more about what you do to sort of set the stage for what the conversation is going to be today.

Sure, sure. So I'm a physical therapist, first and foremost. I got my doctorate in physical therapy and I specialize in women's health and pelvic floor. So, yeah, so a lot of people are like, what's the pelvic floor? Well, that is a lot having to do with what we're going to talk about today. So basically, I see women, men have a pelvic floor, too, but I specialize with women. I see them for things like pain in their pelvis and pelvic floor, painful urination, incontinence with urine, bowels, and then pain with sex. Yeah, among some other things. But those are some of the biggie. Pelvic floor, dysfunctional issues that I can treat.

That's awesome. I just, I love that we're having you on this podcast because I think there's some people out there that don't even know that someone like you exists to help with these things. And, you know, we are all about getting the help that you need earlier rather than later and knowing that there. There are amazing people like you who can help, especially when it comes to sex, because we've already talked about, in part one of kind of what we're talking about with sex. We've talked about the emotional side of things, especially if you're a virgin coming into your honeymoon, what you're going to experience when you do have sex for the first time.

But.

But we wanna talk more today about the physical side of things.

Yeah. And I'm excited to have the conversation both for people who might be listening and they're, you know, they're gonna be having sex for the first time, or maybe they're. They're being remarried and they're gonna have sex with. With their. Their new spouse for the first time. But also, I think a really important conversation for people who are experiencing maybe pain or discomfort with sex, that have been married for a long time, and they have some actual kind of medical questions that they're not even sure who to ask. They're embarrassed to talk about it. And we just want to provide a safe place to start that conversation and, and for Becky to you to lend your expertise to some things that could maybe help take away discomfort related to sex and also provide some next steps for people who are experiencing that. But just to kind of start the conversation.

Absolutely.

Let's start with those people who are maybe listening and like, they're getting ready for sex for the first time, you know, so what should they be expecting?

Okay, so typically, as a woman, if you have never had sex and you're going into your honeymoon, it's you and your husband's first time, it's usually a little bit uncomfortable. There's going to be some discomfort, some pain. Usually that's so normal. It's common. The way I like to describe it is if you were going to start a workout and you haven't been working out for months and months, you're out of shape, you go to the gym, you get sore, you're using your muscles in a completely different way than you've been asking them to be used. Right. So the workout itself might be uncomfortable. You're definitely going to be sore for a day or two after, and it's just because those muscles just did something radical that they haven't been doing right. It's the same with sex. Your pelvic floor is a group of muscles. It's a bowl in your pelvis that's supporting your organs. So when you have sex for the first time, you're asking that pelvic floor, those muscles, to have feelings that they've never felt before, to perform in ways that it's never performed before, never had an orgasm. So once you do reach orgasm for the first time down the line, it's never done that before. And so it's just. It's gonna feel different, uncomfortable, sometimes painful. And that's normal.

I love that. And, you know, those of you listening who are engaged and you've saved yourselves and you're getting ready to have sex, it's so good to just know this going in and knowing that it's okay if there's A little bit of pain, that is normal. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Because I think.

Absolutely.

I think especially, you know, as Christians, you know, here, we're. We're saving ourselves, we're trying to do things God. God's way. And then we get. We get there to our honeymoon, and then all of a sudden it's painful, and we're like, really? I saved myself for this. Like, you know, I can't believe it's not pleasurable right out of the gate. So it's good to know that it is pain at first, especially for the woman. But what about, like, how long should we anticipate having pain? Like, when should we be concerned with the number of days we've been experiencing pain?

So I think it's important to talk about types of pain, right? So that initial time, it might be kind of like that. Ooh, like, ouch, that hurts. That's followed up with some more dull soreness. Just like any other muscle, it's gonna be sore. So those are your kind of, like, norms, right? So once you and your husband have, you know, gone through a few days, up to a week of normal sex, maybe you've tried it a few times throughout the week, it should start to subside. You definitely shouldn't be having that kind of acute sharp pain with penetration. That should be gone after the first few times. The soreness, that's gonna. That'll kind of depend on how you guys are having sex, you know, like positional as well as intensity. However, it shouldn't be any different than other muscle soreness, so it's going to get used to it rather quickly, within a few days to a week's time. If you're past that and you guys have been kind of regularly working on some things, you've tried, you know, lubrication, more foreplay, more connection, different positions, and you're still just like, ugh, something is not right. This is sharp pain. Every single time we have intercourse, I am just clenching my teeth. It's just something's not right. That's when you reach out to a women's health or pelvic floor physical therapist.

That's awesome to know. And I just want to mention this, too. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what the pain is, like, if it is muscular, you know, if it has to do with the pelvic floor, or if it could be some kind of allergy, because I know it is common sometimes for certain people to be allergic to latex. You know, to have a latex Allergy. If you're using condoms because you're not taking birth control, you don't want to get pregnant yet you could have a latex allergy. And there are lambskin condoms. There's also trying to think of the other kind that it's just non latex, essentially, and they vary in price. So there are options there. But also, just to mention, you can also be allergic to certain lubricants and, or the lubricant that is on the condom that your husband is using. So I think it's good to just explore all your options with that. And, you know, is that something that you would talk through with people that you see?

Okay, absolutely. Yes. Yes, we will work through that. We'll ask those questions. What types of things are you using? Do you have a history of allergies with this, this and the other in the past? Yeah, so absolutely, yes.

That's awesome.

It's.

It's comprehensive.

Very.

It is. And again, and why we have these conversations is because there, there are solutions to almost every issue we face. You know, and I think a lot of times as it relates to sex, if you're experiencing discomfort and you just think, oh, well, sex just isn't for me, and we're just not going to do it, which shouldn't be an option. Right? I mean, it's just like a toddler learning to walk. He falls down the first time he tries to walk and he doesn't say, well, walking is just not for me. I'm just going to allow myself to be carried around the rest of my life. No, he gets back up and he keeps trying and he falls and he falls and he gets back up and eventually he's walking great. And sometimes sex is like that. Sometimes it feels like you're falling more than you're walking. And we have these delusions entering into marriage that we're going to. It's just going to be this dynamite electricity. We're going to have this explosive orgasm at the exact same time every single time we make love, which is rare by itself, by the way. Just simultaneous orgasm is rare. And so I think we need to sometimes realign our expectations and keep moving forward with progress. And if we're experiencing pain or discomfort, to know that there is help out there and you don't have to continue letting this be the status quo to find help. So to kind of rewind a little bit and to ask a question, because we've talked about, you know, what to do if you're experiencing pain and discomfort as sex has gone on For a while. But rewinding the clock again to before sex has even happened yet. What, if anything, can. Can a woman do to maybe help prepare her to not experience as much pain the first time? Because I know, especially for the, you know, her husband, he wants it to be as pleasurable as possible in that honeymoon experience and, you know, hates the thought that she's going to be experiencing, you know, discomfort. Is there anything that. That he can do to help alleviate some of her pain during sex? And is there anything she can do even prior to sex to kind of prepare herself? I don't even know what I'm asking exactly, other than just handing it back to the expert. What do you prescribe?

Absolutely. So typically, women, before they're married, they may have been having trouble, say things like inserting tampons or normal gynecological exams are painful. You know, it's just difficult for them. Those are the women who may have more of that trouble with sex for the first time. So typically, leading up to it, you may have an inkling that this is going to be really difficult, maybe a little bit more so out of the norm. I would encourage those girls to see me see a women's health pt. You know, that you're having trouble already inserting tampons at your internal exams. Guess what? That's because of your pelvic floor. And it just might be that there's something causing it to be too tight, and that's okay. And it is so treatable. It's so treatable and quick. Relatively quick. So just from that standpoint, for those who are a little bit more nervous because maybe they've already had some experience with a little bit of difficulty and pain with those things reach out before marriage. And that will really kind of prime things to be much more enjoyable for women who maybe that's never been an issue, and they're still a little bit, you know, oh, my goodness, what can I do? What can I do? You know, I'm a believer of natural. Right. Let's just see what's gonna happen. Because I don't want you to be putting it in your head that there's a problem before we know that there is one.

Because that creates anxiety.

Absolutely.

And, you know, it's both a mental and emotional thing as well as physical. And I think that's such a good point because you don't want to go in there just scared to death. And that was me. I shared on the last episode, like, I was scared to death, and I had a lot of anxiety, and I Was worried that it wouldn't like, that there would be something wrong with me. And so I love that you say that. If you're listening, getting ready for the first time, assume the best, but also know that it's going to, it's going to be something that's going to get better with time. And I'm gonna, with that statement, I'm gonna shift gears a little bit. I think that as a woman who's had four children, there's gonna be a lot of people listening where they've been married for a while, they've had kids, and they're like, sex is not quite what it used to be. Cause stuff is loose down there. Okay. What would you say to those women?

There is still help for you? Oh, my goodness, this is like such a big deal. Because, yes, you've had. Whether you've had one baby or ten, Right. It is just different. There has been an eight to ten pound thing come through your pelvic floor and it's going to be different. It's going to probably feel different for you, the woman and the husband. There is help if it's not enjoyable anymore, if you're like, there is no pleasure here or on the other side of the coin, if it's painful. Pelvic floor therapy, oh my goodness, it is so treatable and it is easy. And you just need to know that, that you just see the specialist and we will get you back to where you want to be.

This, this is like, yeah, this is revolutionary because we have people write us all down, have this mentality you can. There's just like a hopelessness in their tone when they talk to us about this, where they feel like they're just doomed to never enjoy sex again. Whether it's from the painful aspect of, well, it's just going to hurt. And so I'm just not going to do it, or I'm just going to grit my teeth and try to survive it or it's never going to be pleasurable again because, well, now it's just not the way it used to be. And I can't do anything about that. And so just reminding you guys who are listening, there are very real and practical solutions to these struggles that you're facing. And so, Becky, at what point should a person reach out to someone like you? Sure. A pelvic floor specialist, physical therapist, at what point do you know that you're a candidate for that type of help? So.

Sure. So I would say, let's say, you know, you've been married a while, things Are different. You've had some kids, you're gonna wanna reach out when you just kind of feel like, man, some of these things that we're trying, that have been tried and do in the past, it's just not working. The lube's not working. It just doesn't feel good to me anymore. Even if it's not painful, it just doesn't feel good anymore, or I can't orgasm anymore. That's when you reach out. We can help you with the pain. We can help you with achieving orgasm again. Because at the end of the day, orgasm is a marriage of the emotions as well as the physical. And guess what? It's a contraction and relaxation of your pelvic floor. Boom. There's my specialty, right? So I got you.

Yeah.

That's so awesome. And I hope, you know, those of you listening, especially the women listening, that there's like a sigh of relief.

Yes.

You know, we talk a lot about counseling on our show because we are such huge proponents of counseling. But in the same way, this. This is something that can help you, too. We talk a lot about going to the doctor, making sure there's not some kind of medical thing going on, like with your hormones or even mental health. But pelvic floor for women especially is also an issue that needs to be explored. You know, we need to see what's really going on there. And, you know, like Dave said, don't give up. Don't just stop having sex. That's going to cause a lot of friction in your marriage. And a lot of times you just need to know where to go. So I'm so glad we have Becky. And to say, you know, you can see a pelvic floor specialist just like Becky, she's here in the DFW area. So if you're in DFW and you're listening, we're going to give more information on that. But there are people in your area as well.

Absolutely.

Yeah. This is so good. And even specifically for the orgasm issue, because this is a completely separate issue that we hear about. It's like, I can't orgasm. What's wrong with me? And then there's this stigma people attach to themselves, especially. Especially when it's the woman who feels like, I just. I can't orgasm and I'm just never.

Going to, or I never have and I never will. Right.

We hear that sometimes, ladies, there is hope. You know, See, you can see someone there. There is hope. There is. There is nothing wrong with you.

You.

You know, you just need. You just need to see someone who can help in this specific area, I'm going to kind of switch gears here just a little bit and kind of talk it. But we've been talking a lot about how this impacts ladies, kind of the physical implications of sex, what's happening with your body. And. And then we've been talking to pelvic floor specialists, Dr. Becky. And so. And so we're excited to have this conversation. I do want to mention, though, a logistics of guys and how men experience sex for the first time and just some of the things that you need to realize. So here real quick, both for men and women, you have to recognize that sex is a cycle of four kind of specific elements. There is, number one, excitement, number two, plateau, number three, orgasm, number four, resolution. So excitement kind of is the foreplay. It's the buildup, it's the arousal. It's that kind of the early interaction leading to the actual intercourse.

And.

And the early aspects of intercourse. Then plateau is kind of the rhythm. You know, once you two are in the rhythm, you're enjoying sex, and you're building up in that plateau to the peak, which is orgasm, which again, you're probably gonna. You're probably gonna get there at different times. It's again, rare to feel like you're gonna. You're gonna peak at the exact same time because there's just a lot of factors. And peaking at the same time is almost like planets aligning. You know, a lot of it's out of your control, but once you do get to orgasm, you, both of you have reached orgasm, then there's going to be that resolution where you're kind of coming down from that. And in every aspect, every one of those four steps can be incredibly enjoyable and pleasurable, but men and women tend to get there and experience it differently. You know, it's been said that men are like a microwave and women are like a crock pot. You know, guys can get there fast. We need very little foreplay. We can usually reach orgasm quickly, sometimes too quickly, which is an issue that we've talked about. And if you are reaching it too quickly, do things to slow down. There's, you know, desensitizing gels you can use. You can try wearing a condom if you're not, which kind of removes some of the sensation and puts you in more control to help extend the pleasure for your wife. So this is equally enjoyable for both of you because your goal should be for both of you to really, really enjoy it. And ladies are not the microwave. They're the crock. Pot guys, so don't rush them through this process and. But take your time with foreplay. Take your time with buildup. Take your time with really trying to learn where her kind of most pleasurable zones on her body are. Does she like to be kissed on her neck? Does she like to be touched here or there? And don't assume that you know, but really ask her and encourage her to kind of guide you through that process to help maximize the pleasure for you both. So really, sex, like most aspects of marriage, it really just does come down to communication. You've got to be able to talk about it. And what we found in the work that we do is that couples aren't talking openly and honestly as much as we believe they should as it relates to their sex life. And so very often one or both spouses is dealing with this frustration of feeling like, man, this part of our marriage isn't what it could be. But they don't really talk about it. And talking about it could be the very thing that unlocks a better solution.

It's so true. And I'm glad we're talking about it right now because we want to give you permission to have these conversations. We want to give you permission as if you need it, you don't need it from us. But sometimes I think just hearing someone talk about it and say this is an option, it kind of gives you license to go do it. And I want you to think about going to see a pelvic floor specialist, especially if sex is frustrating right now and you feel like you've tried other things, like you tried different positions, you tried the lubricants, you've gone to see your doctor. There's not an underlying hormonal issue. You don't have a mental health issue. This. This is your next step. This is something that might be just a huge game changer for you. And so I hope you go and, and, and seek that out. You know, seek one out in your area. We're gonna put stuff in the show notes to kind of help you find that person for you in your area. But I also wanna say this. I think a lot of times women who have not orgasmed or women who are having maybe some. A little bit of pain or things just aren't feeling good, you can have anxiety in the moment, in that plateau where your husband's getting there, but you have anxiety and you start telling yourself, I'm not gonna be able to have orgasm. So then you kind of just give up on it. I would just challenge you to not allow Your mind to go there and to really. I mean, the mind is so powerful when it comes to sex. And really, the more you can say, no, it can happen. Just give yourself time. It relaxes you so that you're not cutting yourself off from experiencing that. Cause that's something that so many women experience but don't really talk about. And so I just wanna encourage you. Just relax. And husbands who are listening, give your wife time to have an orgasm. I think so many times like we were talking about with the men being the microwave, you know, once they achieve orgasm, the men, they're come down from it really quickly and they tend to be like, okay, well that was great, let's move on. But their wife's there, like, wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm almost there. You know, give me some time. So just take your time. And guys, I know you want your wife to have an orgasm. You want your wife to experience pleasure. And so just give her some time. Don't rush, because that rush creates anxiety. And then you both will experience that orgasm and have that connection, and it'll just be such a great feeling that you both shared together.

Man, that's so good. We're going to transition to today's Q and A and let Becky kind of tackle this question sort of from a medical perspective. And then also, Becky, give you a chance at the end to share kind of any last words of wisdom with us as well. Anything that you felt like, oh, I wish I would have said this. You know, we want to give you an opportunity to do that. And then like Ashley said, we're going to let people know where they can find you and your resources. And then specifically, if you're looking for a specialist like Becky in your area, we'll talk more about that. So this is today's question that was just written in last night. Thank you for those who are sending in questions. Again, you can send us questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com and thank you for those. So today says this. Hey, I have a question regarding sex. I know that you've said plenty of times that we are pretty free and liberated in our boundaries with sex and marriage, but I haven't heard. I could have missed it, though. Any comments about using toys in the bedroom or getting kinkier to using cuffs, etc. What are your thoughts on toys in the bedroom and using things like handcuffs and straps, et cetera? Thank you for your time. You know, I'm glad he gave some specifics because when you said toys in the bedroom, we have A lot of toys in our bedroom, but they're usually like Legos that were left on the ground.

They are dog toys, stuffed animals. Yeah.

So, yeah, he's not talking about those of toys. He's talking about sexual sex toys. And I know that, you know, some people want to explore this or do. Or maybe one spouse is comfortable and one's not with things like, like vibrators or different, you know, different toys, so to speak, that would actually maybe even cause penetration.

More sensation.

More sensation.

Yeah.

But there are a lot of questions about, like, is there. Is there risk with these kinds of things? Is, is this a wise thing from kind of a medical perspective? So in your professional opinion, kind of. What are pros and cons related to bringing in outside elements like that into the bedroom?

Sure, sure. So that's a super common question. I always like to say, if you're having pain with penetration from your husband, let's skip the toys for now. Unless it's a non penetrating toy.

Right.

You know. Cause there's. There's some toys that. That will penetrate, there's some that won't. I would say stay away from the penetrating toys until we've addressed the pain issue. From your pelvic floor. Once that's gone, if you're like, I just want. Let's just try something. My husband and I, we just. What's this? Cool. Let's try this. Go for it. As long as it doesn't cause you pain in the moment or as long as, you know, one person is kind of iffy about it. If you're both on board and you're pain free, go for it. And there is no medical reason why you can't. As long as it's clean, of course. Yes.

That's a good thing to mention.

I'll mention that. Make sure it's clean.

Sanitize the items after use.

Yeah, yes. And before.

And before. Right.

By all means, please.

Even if it's just out of the package, sanitize first.

Yeah, absolutely. No, I love that. And I think too, we just want to mention, like we always do on this podcast, you know, when it comes to actual toys that the two of you are enjoying together, handcuffs or the penetrating toys, if you're not having pain, that's fine. But when it comes to what God has called us to in marriage, we shouldn't bring anything, any person inside our bedroom, whether they're there physically or virtually in something like pornography. But when it comes to toys, like you said, I mean, it's really both being on the same page. Absolutely not causing you anxiety, you know, Cause if it freaks you out or just kind of makes you feel weird or scared, it's going to kill your libido. So, you know, you both have to be on the same page in that.

Yeah. The bedroom needs to be the safest place on earth for both of you. Something we always say. So don't shame each other. You know, if one spouse wants to be more adventurous and try new things, don't shame that spouse by making it making them feel like they're dirty for wanting to be more exploratory or adventurous. But also don't shame the spouse that's more reserved and is uncomfortable with trying some of those new things. Again, this is just another opportunity to communicate, to show mutual respect and to make sure that the marriage bed is the safest place on earth for you both in a place where you both can experience a lot of pleasure but not undue pressure. And so you've got to find that. That balance in your marriage. And. Well, Becky, as we prepare to wrap up, do you have any final thoughts, any final words you want to share with folks who are listening?

Sure.

Yes, absolutely. I think where my heart is is you do not have to suffer through sex in your marriage. Whether it's very new for you and your husband, if it's just not getting better, if it's still painful, this is not what you have to deal with for life. There's hope and there is help available. If you guys have been married for a while and suddenly there's some new symptoms popping up or it's just kind of getting dull, there is hope. If you're a new mom and sex is scary and now it's painful because you just had a baby two months ago, guess what? I can help you with that. We can help you with that. There's always, always, always an answer. You are not alone. And it is so much more common than people talk about.

That's awesome. So good that does it brings so much hope. I know. To so many people. So thank you for saying that and for sharing today. How can people in the DFW area get ahold of you?

So I have a website, genesisptwellness.com I'm located at Texas Health Presby Dallas, in the big hospital off Walnut 75. But I also post a bunch on my Instagram. So I post tips, I post funny things. I post about my love for coffee, and then I talk about the pelvic floor. So my Instagram is genesispt Wellness.

Perfect. So even from afar, even if you're not in this area, you can still learn from Becky and all of her amazing knowledge about the pelvic floor and even coffee. Like, that's awesome. I can't wait.

It's important.

Yeah, it is important.

That's awesome.

And then also in our show notes, we're going to have some other links to maybe some articles that she has and also how to get in touch with some pelvic floor specialists in your area. So thank you all so much for listening and we will see you next time.