Sexual Fantasies

Hey, welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And today we've got a steamy topic. Ashley is ready to dive in. Oh, behave, baby. So she's. She's first, though, before we dive in, she's got a review that she's gonna read. And thank you. Thank you guys who are sharing these reviews. We read every one. It means a lot. So, sweetie, absolutely take the floor.

All right. This is from Railbender, and it's entitled Settle, Sanctified and Steamy, which I love. And this person says great info on honest conversations about sex and marriage. Wish this would have been out there 30 years ago. Keep up the good work. Dave and Ashley, thank you so much for that awesome review. We are so excited to dive into this episode.

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Ray Ban meta glasses available at Ray Ban stores and other authorized retailers. We did an episode a few weeks ago on fetishes and role playing, and a lot of you guys listened to that. A lot of you were clearly interested in that. And even in that episode, we kind of promised a follow up that was gonna delve more into the fantasy side, which is separate from fetishes. And we're gonna talk a lot today just about the emotional about, you know, well, here's. Here's a million dollar question. You know, I heard this old lady say this thing one time, and it was a little bit crude, but it also made me laugh. And she was talking about kind of her philosophy with her husband. I can't even remember the context where I heard this story, but she said, if I remember right, I don't care where he gets lathered up as long as he comes home for a shave.

Oh, my goodness.

And she was basically saying, I don't care where he gets turned on as long as he's only having sex with me. And it, you know, it was funny. But then I thought, you know what?

I don't know. That's.

That's. It's not right. I'm saying it's not. That's not the correct approach. Because the truth is, if we're getting turned on, if we're having all these fantasies that have nothing to do with our spouse. And then we're just coming home to essentially act out those fantasies with, you know, whatever warm body happens to be at home. Then we're not loving our spouse. We're not connecting with them physically, emotionally, spiritually with the oneness and monogamy that we're called to have. God calls us to monogamy that's not only physical, but mental. And Jesus talked about the dangers of lust. There's a lot in scripture about this. But at the same time, as long as all of your fantasies are focused on your spouse, then God gives us a ton of freedom in the bedroom to be able to have fun. So we've got to find this balance between realizing that the marriage bed is a safe place for us to be able to talk about our fantasies and for us to be able to explore and be adventurous and be creative in the way that we express love and pleasure with one another. But at the same time, we can't let those fantasies be fueled by anything outside of anyone outside of our spouse. So if we're, you know. And I'll just kind of tee it up there, sweetie, and let you dive in, because there's a lot to talk about. Some of it's awkward, but it's. All of it is.

We're gonna go there.

We're gonna go there. We're just gonna go there. And you're gonna have the old lady in the lather shave thing in your mind the rest of the day.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah.

Well, you know, he talked about how there's Bible verses about this. And probably the most pointed one that talks specifically about anything related to Fantasy is Matthew 5:28. It says. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Now, he's specifically talking to men, you know, in this setting. But it goes the same, you know, for women, if they're looking at men lustfully, they're committing adultery with him in her heart. And I think we need. If you really look at this verse, it's talking about our eyes first and foremost, how we need to guard our eyes. Because you're looking and then you're lusting, and then it goes in your mind, and then it goes from your mind to your heart. And that's why this is dangerous, because we think that looking is just something that is harmless. And we even think that, you know, oh, flirtation is harmless. It's not like I'm having sex with that person, but it's really dangerous. Because what ends up happening is that person kind of wiggles their way into our heart because we don't have boundaries in place. And before you know it, we have this place in our heart for this other person that is not our spouse and they are not supposed to be there. You know, we've committed our heart to our spouse. We've said, I'm going to love you for a lifetime. I'm going to be committed to you for a lifetime. And, and when it comes to sex, specifically as defined in God's word, sex is specifically for, you know, a married couple, a man and a woman, and there's not supposed to be other people, you know, in that, in that covenant, in that, especially in the marriage bed. And so these little things that we deem as harmless, that kind of become fantasies. Because I think, you know, you look first and then if you find that person attractive and you keep on looking, it become, it can become a fantasy. It can become something where you're like, woo, they're, they're really hot. You know, I wonder what it would be like with them. And that's, that's kind of how it starts. It starts very innocently. And I know we've kind of touched on this before. We're going to dive in a lot deeper. You know, when it comes to our eyes. You can't help if an attractive person walks by. And it's okay to recognize if someone is attractive, but you can help if you keep on staring and then if you keep on fantasizing, if you start forming this, like this fantasy in your mind about this person. Because, you know, when we've counseled with couples who, you know, have ended up either having an emotional affair or a physical affair, it usually starts this way. It starts very harmless, where they're like, that's a cute person, that's a handsome person, that's an attractive person. And then before you know it, they look longer and then they approach that person and they start talking with that person. And then their hearts are connected and a lot of times across the couch they'll say to us, you know, I never thought it would go this far. I never intended on this. I never wanted to do this. It was just harmless. You know, they always use those words. But fantasy, you guys, anything outside fantasizing about your spouse, it is harmless and it's really dangerous. And, you know, it's okay. Like Dave said, we have a lot of, of leeway when it comes to fantasizing together. If you want to even like we talked about role playing, you Know, a couple weeks ago, role play together. And if it's about your spouse personally and you're keeping your mind and your heart on your spouse, then it's okay. But anytime it's like someone else out there, some movie or some famous person or your neighbor is warming you up, so to speak, lathering you up, so to speak. Okay. Just like the story that Dave shared. And then you're just looking for the warm body of your spouse to finish, so to speak. And I'm just being very point blank here. I mean, that happens a lot. That's dangerous territory. And really, it's in essence kind of like cheating on your spouse with your mind.

Yeah. It's a form of mental infidelity, certainly. And then even in the act, what happens, you're making love with your spouse, but your mind essentially is having sex with someone else in that moment, which is, you know, is not right. It's not right. You know, Max Lucado is a great author and pastor, and he says we're the air traffic controller of all the thoughts in our brain. I love that you can't control which airplanes or which thoughts fly overhead, but you get to determine which ones get to land there, which ones stay there, and which ones have to take off and leave. And so if you're holding on to fantasies, whether it's fueled by a certain person, a certain celebrity, a certain thing you've seen, certainly pornography plays into this. And we're not going to turn this into just a porn episode, but we've talked a lot about pornography. I know what it feels like to be wrapped up in a toxic grip of pornography from years ago as a young man, when it just, it just completely had me in a prison and my thoughts in a prison. And I know what that feels like. And so if that's something you're struggling with, you've got to be real about it. You've got to get rid of it. You've got to get that out of your heart, out of your mind and out of your home and really detox from it. We've got resources@marriagetoday.com and other places. We've talked about that in detail to, to help you with that. So we're not, we're not saying this episode again to try to shame you or to say, like, oh, well, this, this. If you're, if you have this thought, you're just automatically a terrible, dirty person, because again, God wires us up to want to be able to enjoy sex and to have, like, creativity with it. And it should Be fun. If you're not having fun together in the bedroom, you're doing it wrong. If it's just this mechanical, dutiful act that you feel like you've just got to go through the motions, then you're missing. You're both missing out.

You're missing out on the best part.

And the connection with that being said, it doesn't mean that you've got to automatically bring in all this extra stuff, because sometimes people will ask things like, well, what about bringing in sexual toys? Or what about this or that? And some people want that, but then other spouses feel like it brings out insecurity in them because they feel inadequate. Like, am I not enough that we've got to have all of this extra stuff? And these are just honest conversations that you and your spouse have to talk about. I don't know that there's like a universal answer, like, these things are always right. These things are always wrong. I think a lot of it is. If you two together are in agreement that, yeah, this feels safe, this feels fun, we can give this a try then. For most things, as long as you're not bringing in another person virtually or physically, and that includes pornography being way out of bounds, you've got a lot of freedom. But if one spouse is really, really uncomfortable for whatever reason, then again, the marriage bed has to be a safe place where that spouse isn't always being pushed and made to feel like, well, you're inadequate the way you are. Unless you'll do X, Y and Z.

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It'S so true. And you know, I know we talked a lot about the dangers of fantasy, you know, outside of your. Your spouse. But really, fantasy can also be a good thing for your marriage. You know, I think if you are in kind of a sexual slump, you know, try to fantasize about your spouse. Because I hear this from a lot of Women where they're like, you know, there's so much on my mind. There's like a list on my mind where sex, it's just like another thing on the list. And I feel like I'm just, like, doing my duty, like Dave talked about. And I don't really enjoy it because I have, you know, my job, my kids. I have all this stuff going on, and I feel like, you know, at the end of the day, I just want to go to sleep. And I know that my husband, you know, wants to have sex, and so I do it, but I don't really enjoy it. And I want to encourage you in this. I think a lot of women especially can relate to this and maybe even some men, I think, you know, again, this is not just like a gender specific issue, but, you know, if you can kind of get yourself to kind of take it mentally, take sex off that list. Because I know we all have that list going on in our mind, ladies. You know what I'm talking about? Take it off the list. And I would say, mark on the calendar when you and your spouse are gonna have sex, and I would get your mind ready for when he's coming home and allow yourself to get excited about having sex with your husband and let fantasy work for you. Okay? And this is where it can be something that. That will kind of get you ready mentally and get you excited about sex so that it's not just this other thing on the list. And I think that even like a flirtatious text to say, like, can't wait to see you later, or I've put the kids, you know, down for a nap, you know, I'm ready, come in the bedroom when you're ready, or something like that. Just flirtatious things, you know, it can work for you in that way. And that's where fantasy can be an exciting part of your marriage. And it's not something that's gonna hurt you in the long run.

Yes. And be playful. Be flirtatious. You know, like, Ashley's so into British shows, I might start trying to do the British accent on him. You look extraordinary today, my love. I'm going to.

Silly.

I'm going to seduce you now. Or Texas Dave. Like, hey there, pretty lady.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm on my way home, park my horse, and we're just going to see what's going to happen after that.

Wow. I don't think I've ever met someone from Texas who actually talks about.

Yeah, there's not. It's not a real person, but hey, if it gets you lathered up, oh, my gosh, we'll go for it. You're so silly. You can have fun again. Like, you can be. You can be playful, you can be spontaneous, and you should be these things. Don't outgrow these things, you know, and, And. And be adventurous, you know, Like, I just, you know, if, if, if. If your husband's, like, super into, like, sexy lingerie, surprise him with just walking out wearing that, and that's going to make his. His day. Like, you know, if your wife is. Is like, you know, into whatever she's into, then. Then do that. I don't know what lingerie equivalent is for a man, but we also have to be careful where this leads. I was. I was counseling with a couple one time where fantasy actually led them down to some really dark places.

Oh, yeah.

And it ultimately ended their relationship because it all just became kind of the next sexual high. And the fantasies very quickly rolled out of control to a lot of these unhealthy, unhealthy things. So sitting down with this couple, they were part of our church. And, you know, at first, like, she kind of had this celebrity fantasy. And there was one celebrity in particular that she just kind of was. Was drawn to, fixated on, and she wanted him. Her, you know, she wanted her husband to grow his hair out, like, you know, this guy and to look like this guy, and for that to be kind of part of their fantasy, which already is out of bounds because she's, like, making essentially making love in her mind to this celebrity.

Yeah, I want you to become this person.

Yeah. And then she. You started getting into, like, wanting to. Wanted to be, like, hurt during sex. And, you know, it went from just liking kind of aggressive lovemaking to wanting to be choked and wanting to be hurt and getting really, really aggressive to the point where he was uncomfortable. Felt like, this just doesn't feel right. I mean, I'm literally hurting you. But she was turned on by it. And then he started wanting these fantasies. It was almost like, well, I'll do this for you if you'll do this for me. And it went to the point.

But not even about each other, not.

Even about each other. He actually wanted her to be part of a threesome. And he confessed that this was, you know, his. A fantasy of his, which, of course, had been fueled by pornography. And. And he thought it was kind of like the. The holy grail of the sexual experience is, you know, having an orgy. And I'm just. I'm listening to them talk and Realizing just how far out of control and how much.

It's never good enough.

It's never good enough. Right. You. It's always. It's always got to be something else. And there's, there's never, I think, our sex life and our marriage, you know, we should always have contentment. We don't have to be complacent, which means we're always looking to improve every part of our relationship, including our sex life. But all along the way, we have to be content with living within God's boundaries and living within the exclusivity of what marriage. At the covenant of marriage, the sacredness of marriage is meant to be. And if the marriage bed is going to be kept safe and pure, we can't. We can't let our minds and our bodies go to these other places. Their relationship ultimately ended and ended in an ugly way because it wasn't about the covenant anymore. It was just about the next high, the next sexual fix. And essentially they were acting like two drug addicts just using each other to get their next fix. And it wasn't about love anymore. It wasn't about anything except their own selfish desires and their ever evolving desires, which were becoming more and more reckless. And so if you find yourself kind of on that path where you're pushing for something in the marriage that if you really took a step back and looked at it, you would say, you know what? I don't think this is ultimately going to bring us closer together. I think that this could ultimately hurt us. I need to take a step back. You just got to be vigilant about those kind of things because one little step at a time, this couple who never thought their relationship would end went to some really, really dark places, and they didn't recognize it as darkness. And so they didn't repent, which means turning from the wrong way, turning back to God's way. And maybe your situation isn't that extreme, maybe it's more extreme. But whatever your situation is, I think that we've got to first and foremost say we've got to have our hearts right with each other and right with God for every aspect of our marriage, including our sex life, to be all it can be.

That's so true, you know, and I think where this can get really dangerous and we kind of touched on this, but I want to go into more detail is if you find yourself really drawn to another person in your life that is not your spouse and you have these conversations with them, maybe you're looking at pictures of them on Facebook. And you're kind of fixated on them. Like this woman was with this celebrity. And what you do is you spend as much time with this person as possible. And then you come home to your spouse and you have sex with them. That really is using your spouse. And in the same way, like, maybe you're even having, like, sexual dreams about this person. And then you wake up and you ask your spouse to have sex with you to fulfill, you know, to kind of fulfill those. Those desires. It's using your spouse. And so, like, if you do have this issue, I would. I would just challenge you right now. I mean, I hope this is a wake up call from the Lord saying, listen, you need to turn, you need to repent from this. This is really dangerous territory. You know, you haven't necessarily maybe slept with this person yet, but really, like Dave said, these things will take you farther than you ever thought you would go. And it's just gonna keep on your mind and your body are gonna keep on wanting more and more and more because you're fixating sexually on this person. And so I would challenge you to distance yourself from this person. I would unfriend them. They're not gonna get a notification that you unfriended them, but unfriend them. Stop looking up their page on Facebook and focusing on them. I would distance yourself from conversations with them at work or in your neighborhood or wherever you find this person in your life. And I would start focusing on your spouse. Focus on your spouse. Pour into your marriage. Because the truth is, the more we fixate on someone outside our marriage, the less we're focusing on our spouse and our relationship with our spouse. And so you're not leaving room for your marriage to grow because you're over here kind of just fixating on this other person and fantasizing about this other person. And so that that kind of desire grows with that person and your desire for your spouse lessens. And so this is, you know, this is a wake up call for anybody who's in this kind of dynamic. I want you to know there is hope. You're not doomed, but you need to turn away from this.

Yes. And you might be asking, well, I don't know how to reprogram my brain and my eyes from the way that I've kind of done it, where I've just. I've gotten into this habit of checking out other people or watching tv, watching ads, watching certain shows, and really being drawn in and aroused by what I see. I didn't even really at the time See it as wrong. What do I do with that? So how do I keep my fantasies focused on my spouse? I think one simple exercise is. And I heard this from, I believe it was Pastor Craig Groeschel, who speaks it at some of our exo conferences and is a great leader. I believe I heard this from him, that he said, you know, he had to train himself to turn his eyes away from kind of all of the different things out there in the world that would draw your eyes in and cause you to lust. Whether it's a billboard, whether it's a lady working out at the gym who's wearing tight clothing, that he just had to train himself to say, I'm gonna turn my eyes every time I see that, and I'm gonna let that be a trigger to remind me of my wife. And when I see any woman that's attractive, instead of just staring at her, I'm going to say to myself, that's not my wife. I'm going to turn my eyes and I'm going to allow that be a trigger to remind me to think about my wife and to think about her beauty and to think about how much I love her and I'm captivated by her. Focus on your favorite things about your spouse. You know, the physical, the emotional, the sexual, the spiritual, the things that you love most. You're most drawn to focus on the things that first drew you to your spouse.

Yes.

You know, the book of Proverbs talks about forever being captivated by the wife of your youth. You know, that means, first off, it means being faithful to that same same woman throughout your life. But it also, I think, is a reminder to think back to when you first did get together. Yeah. That. What was it that first drew you? And to relive that initial connection over and over again and to never, ever let that grow stale. And if you'll continue to do that over and over, I think you can and should have lifelong captivating love and enjoyable sex and all of that connection and intimacy with one another.

Absolutely. And I just want to say this too, and I love that tidbit from Craig Groeschel. It's so huge. But I would say, too, sometimes you have to do things that may seem drastic to the rest of the world. I remember years ago, our friends from church opened up, like, this state of the art gem in our town. And it was awesome. Like, so we were like, you know what? And they gave us a free, like, month membership. And then we were kind of at that tipping point where we're like, should we Decide to actually become members or not. And we were gonna become members just to support our friends. But then Dave and I both felt like. I mean, it's a great gym, but it really drew in this crowd that barely wore any clothes.

Yes.

And, like, men would be grunting and, like, flaring their glistening muscles, and women would be literally walking around in bras or sports bras and, like, really tight little shorts, and it was just like.

There was no scent everywhere.

Okay, Right. Exactly. And so we were talking about it, and we were like, you know, I don't think this is good for us. Like, I think we need to go back to the why where we're the youngest people there and we love it. So, like, we did. We went back to the ymca, and.

They were like, why? Why would you go?

They were like, why? They don't have all the great machines. And I'm like, because it's just our speed. It's our kind of place.

Yeah. I can focus. There's no one tempting me to lust at that y.

That's true. And plus, you know, it was just. You have to do what works for you. And, you know, some of you listening might be. That's ridiculous. You might think that. But we just. We wanna be beyond reproach. We don't want to go looking for temptation because none of us are beyond it. I mean, Dave and I deal with temptation just like the rest of you. And so we had to do things to put guardrails in place. And for you, maybe that's switching gems. Maybe for you, it's maybe switching departments at work so you don't constantly come in contact with that person.

Yeah.

And it may even take you going if that person keeps on. You know, sometimes you can't control if somebody really is pursuing you. It may be that you have an awkward conversation with that person. And I would even say if they don't even take you at your word, it may be time for your husband or your wife to show up at work for lunch and to go over and have a little conversation with that person in a very civil way. We've known couples who've had to do that and that shut it down real fast. So you have to do whatever it takes.

Yeah, you really, really do. You know, for the sake of your marriage. You've got to be willing to look weird. You've got to be willing to, you know, do difficult things because it's. It's always worth it. It's always worth it to keep that marriage a priority. So, man, that's good. Stuff. Sweet. We got it. We got a question before we do, though, when we get home, do you want British Dave, Texas Dave, or could I there love. I can also do Australian Dave if you're into that.

I like all the Dave's.

All right, well, we'll work. We'll work on one of those when we get home, so. Can't wait. All right, let's see. We got a good question here today. Thank you, guys. By the way, for those who write in questions, you know, you write us on Instagram, Facebook, and if you're not following us, avanashleywillis on Instagram. And if you're not following the Marriage Today social media channels or our marriage page or Dave and Ashley Willis on Facebook, these are ways you can constantly stay connected. Write us messages directly. But the messages that we answer here on the air are the ones submitted to Naked Marriage podcast. So if you would like your question answered, go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com it's always anonymous. It is. We're never going to be like, Sam Wilson is experiencing sexual dysfunction. And he. Here's his phone number. If you want to text him your advice, it will not be that. It will always be discreet. That's right, my love. Would you like to read today's question? Sure.

It says, first off, I absolutely cannot get enough of you guys. Oh, thank you. That's so sweet. I've only been listening for a couple of months, but each week look forward to implementing the new strategies. I learn my husband had started listening and it gives us something to connect on and relate to each week. So thank you. Since listening, my husband and I have had conversations about porn. We're committed to not allowing it in our marriage. However, he needs to be aroused for obvious reasons prior to sex. Therefore, I need to in quotation marks turn him on. In the past, I've tried talking dirty or showing skin, but feel like I make a fool of myself and so I laugh it off. Well, he says it's not attractive. I feel like I don't know how to be sexy. What do you suggest? Thank you. That's a great question.

That is a great question. You know, for most guys, I would say there's nothing more sexy in their wife than seeing her confident. And so I think when he's saying that's not sexy, he's not trying to diminish what you're trying to do to be sexy. He's trying to encourage you to not laugh, to not show a lack of confidence. You know, even if. Even if you're not feeling confident to know that he is so drawn to you. He is so captivated by you. He's so, you know, turned on by you, just. Just being you and just to own that sexiness. I would say. I would say that as a starter and then to talk about, you know, what. What does get him aroused. I mean, you know, for certain guys, you know, it could just be making out. It could be massage, it could be focusing on certain regions of his body, which will very quickly help him get aroused. You know, it could be starting with. With oral sex.

Right.

There are lots of different. You know, you've got to talk about these things with each other and not just in the moment. By the way, we say this all the time. Don't just talk about sex when you're right there in the moment getting ready to do it, but. But talk about it over breakfast. Talk about it during kind of natural conversation times. Like, what do I do that most turns you on? Yeah. And what can I do to make it more pleasurable for you and to really just be honest with each other. Be loving, but be very, like, complimentary, knowing this is. These are vulnerable conversations. And so build each other up. Don't tear each other down. Even if you're, you know, you're asking for specific things or different things, to do it in a very affirming way. Because we've all got insecurities. You know, most. Most women express statistically that they have some insecurities about their appearance that holds them back sexually. Some men, most men actually express that they have some insecurities regarding their performance that holds them back in certain ways. And we just got to know that that marriage bed is such a safe place that those insecurities fade away. And we can really just enjoy each other and express our love to one another. And to do it without porn, to do it without these kind of artificial methods, but to do it just with one another.

And I just want to commend you guys on, you know, making that commitment to not use porn in your marriage. I think that's awesome because that's going against the grain. You know, the world tells us it's okay, even in the Christian community, and it's just not okay. And it's destroying marriages. And that's, you know, both Christian researchers say it as well as secular researchers. So I commend you on that. And that is definitely moving your marriage in the right direction. But all those things Dave said, I think that will go a long way. And I think too, like I mentioned earlier, you know, Just flirtatious texts, a phone call saying how you're excited. I mean, I think a lot of it is just, you know, it's getting your mind and your heart ready for the sexual experience. And again, don't underestimate lingerie. Sometimes the sexiest thing you can say is like, I went to Victoria's Secret today and I cannot wait to show you what I got later, you know, and. And for guys, for a lot of guys, that's a huge turn on. And then, you know, I know, I understand where she's saying she feels silly, like, doing a little, like, undress sequence, you know? Cause for a lot of women, it just doesn't feel natural to them. Let him undress you. Let him do it at his own pace and undress you. And so that way you don't even have to worry about it.

Yes. You are his favorite gift to unwrap. All right, guys, great question. Thank you guys for sending in these questions and thank you for subscribing to this podcast. Thank you for those who leave a review. When you leave a five star review on itunes or wherever you happen to be listening, it really, really does help other people discover. Discover this and end up. People all over the world are sending in messages saying they're finding encouragement, strength for their marriage, strength for their faith, strength for their family as they listen to these resources. So you're a part of that. You're a partner in that when you subscribe and when you leave reviews. So thank you guys so much. We love you. We appreciate you.

We do.

And we will see you next time.

Bye, guys.