Should I Trust My Feelings?

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And sometimes if you're watching YouTube, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes we put on construction wear just because. And Dave's over here next to me. I can barely, barely even talk.

Dressed like one of the Village People right now with, he's rocking it, my orange construction vest and XO hard hat. And this. We have this because the XO headquarters is being built right now just up the road as we speak in the marriage capital of the world, South Lake, Texas. Come visit anytime. This building is amazing. You can go to xobuilding.com and you can check out everything about the place and how you can. You can support it, you can be part of it. You can have a legacy piece of this amazing property. And we're so excited about it. So I'm dressed ready to go visit, but I'm also dressed in this, this hard hat and orange wear because we're talking about something today that's dangerous. You know, this is protective wear, right? Dangerous feelings. This is part five. No, no, no. Part six in our nine part series, the nine habits that lead to divorce. And part six, the habit that leads to divorce. Here is trusting your feelings more than your commitments and how those dangerous feelings can lead you astray.

But before we dive into today's episodes, if you want more ridiculous stuff like this guy over here in a hard hat. And behind the scenes, things where you can see what really goes on, you know, behind the scenes of our podcast and with the ministry. And also get extra content.

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Let's get this marriage under construction.

Oh, my goodness.

Starting now.

Let's go.

All right. I've sadly taken off the hard hat and the vest.

You have marks on your head left over.

But yeah, if you're watching on YouTube, you could probably still see little marks on my head from the hard Hat I was wearing for the exo building and for safety gear. Since we're talking about dangerous feelings, I.

Just want to say that you'll do anything to build stronger marriages.

Oh, touche. Yes, that's right. I'm in the building business. I can't swing a hammer. So this is the only building I'm at all qualified to do because I'm so bad with tools. On a side note that the only tools I own looks like a child's fishing tackle box. It's just tiny little tools. Ashley owns all the real tools.

You've gotten really good over the years.

I've gotten better, but I'm still far from good. She's handy.

You got it. You got it.

But that's not what we're talking about today. We are talking about this habit number six that could lead to divorce if you don't. If you don't stop this habit. And the habit is trusting your feelings more than your commitments. And we live in a world that tells us the opposite. We live in a world that says, follow your truth. Follow your feelings. And your feelings are right and true no matter what they say. But listen, your feelings can lead you to some terrible places.

Oh, yeah.

Your feelings can lead you into an affair. Your feelings can lead you into all kinds of selfish and reckless and prideful choices. And so your feelings were never meant to be your guide. Now they're a tool. They're something God gave us, but they're not meant to be your guide. Our principles and our unchanging faith and promises and vows, like, those are the things that are our guide. That's God himself guiding us. And our feelings can catch up. But if you're in the trap of following your feelings, your feelings can lead you off of a ledge.

Absolutely. And I think that, you know, a lot of times people will fall into this kind of negative habit because they're lonely. Like, where we see people really, really struggle with this is maybe the marriage has felt disconnected for a long time, and. And they just. They're not looking to have an affair. I don't really. I believe that most people aren't just like, you know what? I'm just gonna go bust up my marriage and have an affair. I think it happens very subtly, and it's usually stems from loneliness and a lack of connection in their marriage. And what you'll see is there's not a lot of conversation happening at home. There's a disconnect, and they'll have, like, an opposite sex friend in quotation marks at work or in the neighborhood or at the gym or, you know, wherever. It could even be at church, you know, and they just start really sharing things with this friend. They think it's innocent. They think it's harmless. And before you know it, the sharing things becomes flirtatious. And before you know it, those flirtatious moments turn into fantasies, and you start thinking, you know what? My life would probably be better with this other person. And you start really believing that lie. And all during that time, you're completely ignoring your spouse and even tending to your marriage because your heart's becoming tethered to this other person.

Yeah, exactly.

And that's what. That's what conversation does, guys. I mean, we talk about, you know, how to have a great sex life. It starts with conversation. Well, kind of the flip side about it is you have to be very careful with other people of the opposite sex and the kind of conversations you have with them, because before you know it, you can feel this. This, you know, draw emotionally to this person and even sexually to this person, and you start making decisions that you never thought you would make. And. And you end up kind of in this wreckage of an inappropriate relationship at the least and a fully adulterous relationship at the most. And it's just heartbreaking.

And it happens all the time.

It happens all. And people. You guys, it's no respecter of persons. Like, sin is sin. Temptation is temptation. We're all human beings, and we all have to be really, really mindful and put up boundaries in place. Because there's not one of us out there that if in, you know, in the wrong circumstances where we're kind of not having boundaries that could fall for something like this. So we need to be very careful.

But again, I think maybe the reason why it's so prevalent is because people trust their feelings so much, they've bought into the myth and the lie that, like, if you follow your heart, your heart will always lead you to the right place. Because that's what their graduation card said. And that's what the card said, the Hallmark card they got on their wedding said. And that's what the. The. The guy in the Hallmark movie said. And all the way down the list, like, we get messages pretty much, Hallmark.

You guys, who's perpetuating this? But even though I do love a Hallmark movie, I just wanna say that everybody's hair's perfect, the colors are beautiful, the weather's perfect. Yeah, it's just so cozy. I know, but it's not a good place to necessarily find the best marriage. And Life advice. And it's also completely unrealistic and a fake universe. But, you know, there is this perpetuating.

You know what's gonna happen.

She's gonna happen.

Big city girl that comes back to her hometown isn't going to marry the jerk millionaire Wall street guy. She's going to marry the lumberjack that she went to high school. It's always a lumberjack. But then he also started, like, a scented candle company that ends up being worth a billion dollars, and he ends up rich, too. And everybody's happy, but.

And they have the best, straightest, whitest teeth I've ever seen in my life.

They really do.

I just want to say that it's pretty impressive.

It is.

But, you know, when it comes to, you know, the choices we make in our marriage and, and things like that, it's just. We don't live in a Hallmark universe, you guys. Like, we live in the real world and we can't get caught up in feelings. Like, feelings are not meant to be our compass. Feelings, you know, they are something that we don't need to completely ignore. I mean, it's kind of like a. You know, Dave always says this, and I love this image. It's like a warning light on your car. Like there's a signal, okay, something's going on here. And if you have, like, you know, for example, in this instance, if you have these dangerous feelings where you're. You're starting to feel an attraction, a pull to this other person who is not your spouse, that's a warning light to say get away. I mean, that's not a warning light to say engage. But our feelings, you know, if we follow the feelings, that's what we do. We end up engaging and we end up, again, making choices we didn't think we would make and hurting our spouse and our family in the process. And so if that's you, I mean, let this be the day where you're like, oh, need to put boundaries in place. That's. Not only am I having dangerous feelings, that's somebody you could maybe label for you personally right now and for your marriage. That's a dangerous person for you. This episode is brought to you by LinkedIn healthcare pros. Words out. And it's too good to keep quiet. Look, LinkedIn is revolutionizing job hunting, making it possible to search by specialty shift preference and salary. Endless scrolling is out. Whether it's a mental health therapist or dental hygienist, finding the perfect role is faster and easier than ever. Head to LinkedIn.com healthcare and start your search today.

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You know that we know people who use that kind of terminology. And it's not that that person may not even have a radar for this, right?

Yeah.

They might not be completely innocent, have.

Any kind of impure motives or be interested in you at all, but. But if you're really drawn to them, then you've got to just say, okay, well, for me, that's a dangerous person, because I'm drawn to them. And you know what? You're going to notice other people are attractive. You're going to even have connection with other people. But when that connection is with somebody, the opposite sex, even if it's something totally innocent, you've just got to be so mindful of that and say, I need to put up extra boundaries there. I don't want to lean into that. I don't want to go looking for that person because I enjoy the conversation so much or because she laughs at all my jokes, or he makes me laugh, or they compliment me, or they notice things about me or they're into the same stuff I'm into, and we love just talking about it. I don't want to keep seeking them out for the feeling that it gives me because that is just playing with fire.

It is.

And what can happen, like Ashley talked about before, your heart's going to slowly start being tethered to that person in a way that your heart's being pulled away from your spouse and you're not tending to your spouse anymore. And sometimes when people write us and they say, I'm not attracted to my spouse anymore, and you really dig to the root of that. It's not that your spouse has just dramatically and drastically changed from the person you fell in love with, as much as it is that you've let your eyes or your heart kind of wander away from them into other people or pursuits. And now because your spouse has not been the object of your affection for so long, then now naturally the feelings are gonna evaporate too. And you've gotta sometimes lead your feelings back to your spouse by pursuing them. Again, doing all the things for your spouse that you would do if you felt madly in love. And what you'll find is where your treasure is, there your heart will be. Also. As you give the best of yourself to your spouse, your heart will usually catch up, which means your feelings will usually catch up. But you can't again, trust your feelings in all of this. You have to go back to your commitment. I trust the commitment I made. I trust that God is with me in this and that he wants our marriage to thrive and that I'm going to act accordingly. And Lord, help my feelings catch up. But even if they don't, then let me love. And realizing love is not a feeling, so I can wholeheartedly say I love my spouse, even if in that moment, I don't feel the gushy feelings of love for them. Because I'm saying love in its purest form, Love is a commitment. I'm committed to you no matter what. I'm here for you no matter what. I'm willing to sacrifice for you no matter what. Because that's what love is. And as we do those things for a person, our feelings tend to catch up. And you're gonna probably find yourself being more drawn to them, more attracted to them in the process.

Right? You know, I would even equate it to this. You guys have heard me. And stay with me here for a minute. I'm just gonna use this example. You've heard me share my testimony on here about having postpartum depression and then it lingering and turning into full on clinical dep. Well, what if when I was going through postpartum depression and not feeling the gushy mothering feelings for my precious newborn son, if I just followed my feelings and just ignored, isolated, never nursed him, never did anything for him, you all would be like, terrible, mom. I can't believe you're, like, abandoning your child. But yet when it comes to marriage, there's this. I think as a culture, okay, that there's this narrative, like, well, once the feeling goes, girl, you go. Go follow your feelings. Follow your heart in essence, like, honor your feelings. But you guys, we don't honor our feelings. Like, we honor our commitments and the people we made the commitments to.

That is such a powerful illustrate because it's so clear. It's so clear in the baby illustration. It's like, no, I'm committed to this child.

This is my child. And I may not feel what I think I should be feeling or what anybody thinks I should be feeling right.

Now, but it's my feelings. That are wrong. Not this relationship. My feelings are lying to me.

Right.

And my feelings are untrue right now.

Right.

And I'm gonna. So I'm going to ignore them and I'm gonna do what I know to be right.

Well, I'm not. I didn't ignore them.

Right. That was the wrong thing.

I was processing them because I'm not.

Going to follow them.

I'm not following them. Right. Because I needed help. Because my brain and my heart was just, you know, there was a lot of hormones and serotonin levels off, and I had to get professional help. I mean, I went to counseling for years. I got on Zoloft. I did all the things. I'm very open about my process. And over time, my feelings did catch up. But in the meantime, you know, I was there for my baby and we were there for our baby. I didn't just say, well, this is how I'm feeling. See you later. I mean, it would be so tragic and I would lose my parental rights. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like, that's what would happen. But when it comes to marriage, I don't know why we have this different approach.

And now, because you were such a faithful mom in those early days, even when you yourself weren't having those feelings with postpartum depression. And now, you know, you're so close to our oldest son.

I love all my kids.

And he cried when he got his driver's license. And, you know, you're so close, of course, of course.

Because your feelings catch up.

It catches. It catches up. And in a tough season of marriage, most of the time, if that couple will just say, you know what? This is a tough season. We're going to acknowledge that it's tough, but we're going to press through, love each other well, serve each other, lean on God. We're going to pray. And even if my feelings are saying, abandon this marriage, go find somebody else, I'm going to ignore that because those feelings are lying to me. And we're going to persevere. Once you get through that tough season, on the other side of it, most of the time is a much better season where you and your spouse do have this beautiful reconnection. And most couples that have been married for 50, 60 years and are in love and best friends and holding hands, walking around the mall, they've had seasons where they didn't feel like being married for sure. Every single one.

They will all tell you that if they're being honest. I mean, it's just so true. Everybody has a story. And I just want to say too, sweetie, just to clarify, we don't completely ignore our feelings, but we do process them. We look at them as the sign that something's off. I'm not saying there's no place for feelings because God did give us feelings for a reason.

They are a gift, not a compassion.

They are. Yes, exactly. And so we do need to, you know, if we're having, like we don't, like we feel nothing. Sometimes people will write us and they'll say, I literally am numb. I feel nothing for my spouse or for the future. And, you know, I just don't know what to do. And, you know, and a lot of times there's probably depression that has set in. And a lot of times there's some trauma that's happened maybe in the past, maybe it has to do with their spouse, maybe not at all. I mean, sometimes there's things that happened in our past that we have pushed down so deep that it kind of bubbles. You know, there's a trigger that happens that makes it bubble. Those old feelings bubble back up and we end up, you know, again, our feelings start lying to us. And so it's not that we just completely ignore them, but we do process them and get people who are specially trained in this to help us process these. Because I know for me personally, just going back to the example of postpartum depression, it really helped. You know, it wasn't postpartum depression was a symptom that a lot of people experience, but for me personally, it kind of lingered and turned into full fledged depression that went on for four years. There was a lot of underlying stuff I hadn't dealt with really from childhood. And I had to process it with a professional. And I'm so glad through that time of counseling, I was able to understand why I would feel that way. And sometimes we don't understand it. Sometimes it's just hormones or sometimes it's, you know, a huge change in season or, you know, there's a lot of reasons, but I think that instead of just abandoning our marriage and looking for, you know, comfort in other places, we need to really get the help we, that we, that we need to heal. But we also need to be open with our spouse. And, you know, if you're feeling disconnected, go to your spouse and say, listen, I, I don't like the feelings I'm having right now because I think, and I think it's rooted in us being disconnected. And I'm not blaming you, but I'M asking you to help me. I'm asking you to walk alongside me and to, like, help me get the help that I need, but also the help that we need and just be that honest and what you'll find. You know, a lot of times your spouse, they may not even have any clue that you're feeling that way because you've fallen into this routine. And when you open up and are that honest with them, for most spouses, they're honored that you would open up and trust them with that information. You know, especially if you're not accustomed to that, especially if it's been a long season of not really sharing life, it can really be kind of that thing to get the ball rolling in the right direction.

And that vulnerable moment might be something that propels you both towards more feelings.

Exactly right.

If you're feeling numb, though, if you're feeling stuck, don't always assume it's because it's because this marriage is doomed or anything like that. I mean, there might be some other factor like Ashley was talking about. I know, like when I had Covid years ago, early on, before there were vaccines or anything, I had it pretty bad. And I couldn't taste or smell anything, right? And so my body, my senses were telling me as I would take a bite of something, this has no flavor at all. This has no smell at all. My feelings are telling me with certainty that this is flavorless. And the truth was, there was nothing wrong with the food. There was wrong with my ability to process it correctly. There was something wrong inside of me that was warping the way that I was, you know, tasting or not tasting. And I think sometimes when we're feeling that numbness in marriage on an emotional level or even a spiritual level, it's not necessarily because of some external factor. I mean, that could be part of it. There could be something broken in the marriage. But often we need to say, lord, start inside of me. Like, what is it maybe in me that's created this numbness? And, like, you know, Ashley mentioned it could be from a thing like depression or hormones being off or a myriad of other factors. And in those moments, you have to just say, it isn't always going to be like this. I'm going to keep going. I kept eating even when I couldn't taste anything because I knew, like, I'm not going to eat as much, probably, but I'm going to keep eating because my body needs this food. And eventually I'll be able to taste it again. But in the meantime, I'm going to eat some things I know to be healthy so that I have the energy to keep going, because that's something that I need. Even though I can't feel it, even though I can't enjoy it, I'm going to do it because I know it's what's best. And then eventually my taste buds came back. And now, like usual, I just eat too much because I like it so much. I think that in marriage, sometimes we have to do those things as well. But if you need help getting unstuck, there's no shame at all in reaching out for help. In fact, most of us have moments in our marriage. You know, we've leaned on counselors and the help of mentors and others over the years. We have a team here at xo. You hear us talk about them a lot. They have helped so many people. Our XO mediators are marvelous. And they would meet with you in person or via Skype or on the phone or whatever you can do. You can go to xomarriage.com help and get kind of the full, full list of how to contact them, how to schedule something. And that might be the very thing you need to take action and pull yourself out of this, this current rut that you might. Sam.