Spotting and Addressing Red Flags Together

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That's right. Yeah. And it really comes down to, I think, you know, the biggest tension is when you went into marriage and you felt like, okay, we're aligned in what matters most. And then all of a sudden, you know, life changes. There's so much circumstances you've gone through individually and maybe collectively. And, you know, all of a sudden you're finding yourself out of alignment. Like, you're out of alignment in these areas, like faith. And it could be, you know, it could look something like this. I know with the pandemic, you know, we're in 2024 as we record this, so we've been out of it for a little bit now. But I know that there's been some couples really, like, who during the pandemic stopped going to church altogether. Right. And it just because they couldn't. I mean, in a lot of areas, they couldn't and they watched online. And then, you know, now in most areas, if not all, you can go, you can go find a church in your area. But there's been like this disconnect where one of the spouses is like, well, I kind of like not going. I just want to be at home. And if we're going to do church, we'll just watch it online. And like, all of a sudden, you know, one is really missing church or feels like they have to go by themselves and take the kids alone to church. I mean, I've talked to couples like that and, you know, some of you are thinking right now, well, actually, just because you go to church or not, you know, physically attend church doesn't really mean you're a person of faith. And I totally agree with that. I mean, faith is so much more than church attendance. But where the disconnect might be is that you both valued going to church and being part of a faith community. And now all of a sudden, one of you doesn't. One of you doesn't. That's lonely.

That is. That's lonely. That's hard. And you think. And it feels, even though it can feel like a personal betrayal, like we were on the same page with this and now this doesn't matter to you. And when both of us would have said, this is a core belief, something that's a high value to both of us, whether it's church or something else. But I think church is a great example because that does happen a lot, where one spouse will potentially lose some interest or not see the value in going anymore and maybe maybe get their feelings hurt by a church or maybe experience a moral failure from a leader at the church, which is something we've seen firsthand and it can be devastating. But when we let a disappointment in a person keep us from experiencing all that God has for us within community, then really we're punishing ourselves and we're limiting ourselves from all that God has for us. Because you're right, going to church doesn't. It doesn't make you a Christian. But if we really value our faith and we're trying to live by God's word, the Bible, so much of our faith, you read the New Testament, so much of it only happens within the context of community. It's so much community that when we're trying to make faith a solo sport instead of a team sport, we're missing out on the way that our faith is meant to be lived. And we're missing out on a huge part of. Of life and faith that God created for us in the church. And yeah, churches are imperfect. They all are. Church leaders are imperfect. But still, it's our responsibility as Christians to do our part to bring health instead of retreating from it, to lean in and say, well, I want to be part of the solution. And when one spouse doesn't want to do that, and you're there alone, there's that empty seat next to you. And we talk to so many couples in that dynamic that can be lonely, especially when you started out in the same place. Now, on the flip side of that, there are some folks where maybe neither of them really valued faith. And then one spouse really prioritizes their relationship with Christ or maybe gets saved for the first time. They go all into church. Then the spouse that's at home is like, now I'm the one that feels like there's been a bait and switch because we started out, this wasn't a big thing to either of us. Now you're all about it, and I feel like I'm the one that's being left out, and that's difficult. Of how do you show love to that spouse that doesn't want to come? And you used to be that spouse that didn't want to go, yeah, and now you found Jesus and he's changed your life. And you want to share that with your spouse, and your spouse just isn't about it. And you're growing in different directions. And that's complicated, too.

It is. And, you know, you're probably thinking, well, what do I do in that scenario? You know, it rarely helps to coerce somebody into the pain. I would say most of the time, that's not the way to go. You know, you kind of put yourself in a parent child dynamic too, where it's like guilting them into going, you know what I'M saying, and that is an authentic. And it just doesn't go well, and it's putting yourself in an unhealthy dynamic with your spouse. And so I always think that, like, if you're trying to, for lack of a better word, entice your spouse to. To go to church, when they do go with you, just really commend that behavior and tell them how much it means to you. You know, praise behavior is repeated behavior, and that doesn't matter if you're a kid or if you're an adult. I mean, when we feel appreciated for what we do and we feel seen and heard, then we want to repeat that scenario, you know. But I think more than anything, it's just living out your faith authentically so that they are curious about, like, wow, you know, she really is so different when she comes back from church. It's like she has even more excitement about her faith, and she's making such great friends. Or, you know, he's. He just. He's like a different person. It's like he has so much more peace. And I want some of that peace. Like, I want to know what that's about and just keep on inviting them. Like, there's. I love stories of spouses who, you know, for whatever reason, whether they used to go or they're just now, you know, they've never really been. I love stories where the spouse has kept on praying and has kept on inviting their spouse, and it could take years, but one day they go and one day they join them in that. But I think it's just kind of, you know, making sure that we don't act out in anger and that we, you know, we let ourselves be heard and say, like, I miss that. Like, especially if this used to be part of what attracted you guys to each other, and you were maybe even met at church. Like, maybe you even met among a community of believers, and like, all of a sudden, one of you is not wanting to go. I mean, I get, you know, the need to address that. So address that and tell them how much you miss them and tell them, you know, just tell them. Remind them of what it was like when they went. But I also think it's just important not to allow this to be something just to keep separating us, you know, because I think that, you know, I know. I know women who are like, well, at one point, he was the leader of our home when it came to, you know, our faith. And, like, now he's just dropped the ball completely, and now it's all on me. And they kind of belittle their. Their husband and make him feel like he's less of a man because of that. And I just. I get the disappointment. I get where they're coming from, but that's just gonna. It's not gonna help things. It's only gonna make him feel like, well, I botched that one, so I'm not going back. And you know what?

I.

Most men, and even most women want to go when they gravitate to where they feel like they're winning. And so if they feel like, oh, well, now she's the spiritual leader and, you know, I guess I'll just never measure up, which is probably not at all what she's thinking. Like, she's asking him to come. She's asking him to be a big part of this, you know, and it just kind of puts them in this. This negative thing where it's pushing him away from church instead of, you know, giving that. That welcome mat, so to speak, to say, you're welcome anytime. We'd love for you to go. The kids would love for you to go. I mean, that's the thing, too, is, like, I think there's such a deep disappointment when your spouse isn't wanting to join you at church because, you know, you. Whether you verbalized it or not, probably had this hope that you would raise your kids in church. And so when one of you is not going, it feels like you're not really getting the point across.

Yeah, you're not united as a family. And then that makes the kids much less likely to attend on their own when it's their decision to go.

Right.

And so there are just a lot of reasons why, you know, God designed it for us to be unified in it and to go together. And the Bible gives us really a roadmap to follow for pretty much any scenario, including this one, as Paul's writing to the church in Corinth in the New Testament. And he's like, well, what about when one spouse is a believer and one's not? And essentially what Paul writes is, you know, keep loving that person, stay married to them, and model with your faith just what healthy, authentic faith looks like. You know, be praying for them because of your faith, be a better spouse, and who knows by your example, because that right now, your example is the only bit of Christianity they're being exposed to. So live a good and authentic example and pray for God to work on their hearts, and only God and that other spouse, like, the rest is up to them. Like, you can't save anybody Like Ashley said, you can't coerce somebody into. So keep loving, keep praying, keep believing, and keep leaning into your own faith while you're there. Beating your spouse over the head with the Bible is not going to help. Preaching at them is not going to help. But just love them authentically. Pray for them. And when you see even little baby steps, like Ashley said, toward the right direction, celebrate that and thank them for that. So let's pivot a little bit and talk about when the difference isn't church, but it's some other. It's some other value.

I have a good example of where I think a lot of couples feel like they're not on the same page with their values. And it might not. And it might be in the beginning and not like, kind of in certain seasons of marriage. And I think it's health. I think, oh, yeah. How many times do we talk to people? And, like, let's say. And it can look so many different ways. It can be that you started out where health was not even on the radar. You guys just want to live it up, and it's not a big deal to ask.

One of you got, like, way into CrossFit, and the other feels like, well, that's not my world. And then you both feel kind of left out.

Exactly. And you're like, why aren't you fun anymore? Like, you're always wanting to just go to CrossFit or whatever.

You never eat ice cream anymore.

Well, the crossfitter's like, but this is my health. I want you to get in shape. Or it could be that you met at the gym, and, like, that was a huge value to you both. But kind of as life has gone on, it's gotten busy. You've had kids. Like, one of you just hasn't valued it as much. And maybe it's that you had a health problem challenge of some kind, and you couldn't exercise. And then you kind of, you know, you just got in the routine of not making that part of your life, and now you feel judged by your spouse because you're not as fit as you used to be. But your spouse is like, well, just come with me and I'll help you get back to it. And you're like, well, now I kind of feel like you're being, you know, like, bossing over me and, like, kind of judging me. And I don't like that. Like. And so I think it can look a lot of different ways. And. And it just. I think the main thing, we have a whole book where we talk in chunks of this book, we talk about this and it's Naked and Healthy.

It's actually, I realized recently, our most. Our best reviewed book.

It is our best reviewed book of.

Any of the books we've had, including the Naked Marriage book itself, which is kind of like our cornerstone, foundational book, but even slightly above that in terms of reviews.

Very slightly. But I mean naked and Healthy.

And I love that because I love the message of it, about how we can be healthy individually and help each other be healthy collectively and in our marriage, in our faith. Health is mental, physical and spiritual. We share a lot of stories. That book was so fun to write. The stories are great, but the principles in it, the biblical principles in it are so practical. I think people like the book so much because it's such a practical book.

It is. And it's kind of part of our story too, with that. Like, we talk about, you know, mental health, physical health, spiritual health, and mind, body, spirit. And so, you know, those are all important. But I think, like, you know, and we talk about this at length in the book, just if you're really wanting to know how to navigate this. But it really comes down to love and respect. It's. Again, don't. Nobody is coerced into getting fit. I mean, maybe in the short term. And my prime example is, have you ever watched, like, the Biggest Loser? You know, and it's a great show. It's not on anymore, but years ago, it was like all the rage. And these people who were, you know, out of shape and really had a long way to go to get fit, you know, were going for a prize and they were coerced. Like, they had these, you know, coaches that would get onto them and push them. And, you know, we need that. Like, we need the coaching, we need the push. But then, you know, nine times out of. I mean, I don't want to say nine times out of ten, but a lot, many times, like, if you fast forward and you see these people in the future, once the show's over and they have to do it on their own, it. It didn't quite stick. You know, for some it did, but it didn't quite stick. And it was, you know, there's. We have to want it ourselves. We have to want to be fit ourselves. We don't want to be guilted into it. We don't want to be shamed into it and certainly not judged into it by our spouse. Like, that's not going to go a long way. Maybe it would in the short term, but it's not going to last. And I think that we just really need to be, you know, we need to be honest with our spouse if we feel like that's kind of happening. If we truly have a concern for our spouse's health, we really should voice that. But telling them they're overweight isn't gonna be the way to voice it. I mean, it might be a fact that they're overweight, but coming from the standpoint of like, hey, like, I'm really wanting to focus in more on my health. Like, we're middle aged now. We probably need to just really, you know, hone in what we're eating and exercising. Do you wanna come alongside me and do this? You know, when you ask them to partner, it's much less intimidating and it doesn't sound like judgmental because you're the one doing it too.

Let's go on a walk.

Let's walk together.

Instead of being like, why don't you ever move? It's like, why don't you together Invite them into things where they can join you and you both can win.

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You know, if they're not, if you're way into CrossFit and you've gotten to be like this elite athlete trying to expect that of them, they're just going to feel uncomfortable, they're going to feel embarrassed and overwhelmed and overwhelmed. So help help them take those first steps in a way that where they can win and celebrate them when they do. And always let them know, like, I'm attracted to you just as you are. I never want to change you. I'm not. I couldn't be more attracted to you. I love you just the way you are. You are my standard of beauty and I love you. But I want us to live as long as we can and have the highest quality of life as we can. And so let's together commit to being healthy, you know, and that's, that's going to look different to different people and.

Well, and I think focusing. We were just talking about this the other day. I Think focusing on some short term goals and long term, long term goals and then realizing that having better health will help you to fulfill both the short term and the long term goals. Like, for example, if you want to be able to travel, like once you're retired, then obviously you're going to have to be healthy. And sometimes stuff happens that you did do your part to be healthy and you got a diagnosis or you got in a car wreck. I mean, you know, there's all kinds of things that happen, but to do what you can do so that you can do the things you want to do. And like, maybe it is that go hike the Inca Trail. I mean, that was one of our goals that we ended up fulfilling. We had wanted to do that for years. And that was always, you know, in the back of my mind I thought, I, I want to stay moving because that is a goal one day. And you don't want to go hike the Inca Trail and not have walked long distances before. I mean, you don't have to be an elite athlete to do it. But the people who end up enjoying it are people who are in generally good shape. And you see all walks of life.

Movement, adventure, activity, hiking, all those things. And so part of the goal of health isn't just, it's not just cosmetic. It's not just the outer appearance. It's really like we want to be able to enjoy life. And I enjoy food as part of life.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I eat too much of it.

We love it.

And part of why I exercise is because I love food so much and I want to be able to still eat ice cream and not hate myself. I don't care about abs. We'll have abs in heaven.

That's right.

Some people are, you know, it's very important to them though, the physique and all of that. And which is great. It's great if that's your thing. But there are times when any good thing in your life can become an idol.

Yes, it can.

And it can become, you know, an unhealthy thing because it starts taking the place of God. And I'll give you an example of this. A family that we're close to. And I've seen a lot of relationships wounded because of one family member's just obsession about health from her perspective of how that it should go. And we have this friend, we don't want to reveal their identities because we love these people. These are wonderful people. They've been dear friends to our family. They've done so much for us. And so I'm not trying to knock them, but I do want to tell a cautionary tale about them because I think this is a blind spot. And so there's one member of this family who got so into very specific diet, and we're talking, like, very rigid.

Like, very, very rigid. I mean, it's even beyond, like a veganism.

Right. It's very, very. I don't even know all the rules, but it's like extremely rigid to the point where, like, then the standard of even being in relationship with her for her family was that they adopted with the same. The same commitment to this very, very rigorous way of eating, which is so isolating because it means you can't really go to most restaurants. You can't. Food, which is meant by God to bring people together all of a sudden has become this big point of division because if you're eating around her anything but this very specific diet, then she thinks she's outwardly judging, basically telling you you're doing it wrong. And she believes, she fully believes that this way of eating is life changing and that she's helping you and you're helping you. She thinks she's an evangelist for this. But what it comes across as is very judgmental, and it comes across as very divisive and it pushes people away. It's damaged relationships within the family.

With her husband, with her kids.

Yeah.

With friends.

Yeah, yeah. And essentially, when it comes down to it, her commitment to this diet has become more important in her life, at least outwardly, it appears this way has become more important than her commitment to any person, including her family. Because she's so convinced this is the way, this is the answer. And if you don't see it, then you're choosing to not be in a relationship with me.

Well, and from the stories I remember, because we've done them a very long time, she would even get angry with her spouse or kids if they did not follow it. So it even was like, not even a. So it becomes. It's not a choice anymore if you're almost being punished by the response she gives.

Right, right.

And I don't think she realized this. Like, I really don't think, because in her mind it's a saving. Like, she feels like this is the answer.

This is.

Yeah.

But when you get so into health and it becomes an idol, what we're saying, we're thinking that we can control our own immortality apart from God.

Exactly.

It's like, I don't even need God to live forever. I can live forever just by eating a certain way or exercising a certain way. Here's the thing. You can. You can exercise 10 hours a day and eat nothing but kale salad and die in a car crash. Today, we're all going to die of something, and all of us are going to die relatively soon. 100 years is relatively soon compared to eternity. But our eternal life, our eternal body is made possible because of Jesus and what he's done for us and putting our faith in him. And so while we're called to care for this body as the temple of the Holy Spirit, when this body becomes an idol that we're worshiping and we're thinking that it's the sole source of our identity and strength is the way we look on the outside, or we're regulating what we're eating to a point where it's so rigid that we're alienating relationships as a result of it. And again, the Bible talks about this, about when, you know, when food or drink or whatever we're doing is actually alienating the people around us. Instead of creating community and unity, then it's become an idol. Because in the Old Testament, Jews had very specific laws about food given by God under the new covenant. We're not under that anymore. There was a time and a place for that. Now we've been lifted from that. We can essentially eat whatever we want. And. And the people who'd been raised in that Jewish tradition in the New Testament, Jesus, close followers, it was a hard pivot for them. And there's a story about Peter not wanting to be around people who were eating a certain way. And he had to have a vision from God that just really corrected him and said, hey, stop judging and eat whatever. My heart is not about the food that you're putting in your body. It's about. It's about the condition of your heart, the condition of your soul, the words that are coming out of your mouth, and loving people. Our primary role, the most important area in your life to have health, is in your relationships. And if we're so prioritizing the health of our body in this way that is judgmental or pushing others away and we're sabotaging relationships, then we're missing the whole point.

We are. And, you know, with that family in particular, I know that there's been a lot of ups and downs. And with her husband, since we're talking about marriage specifically, like, when we feel like our values are different, I know for a long time the husband did go along with it, but there had been some things that came up with the Kids, like, procedures the kids needed, or maybe they weren't growing. Like, they needed to grow because there's just not enough calories, you know, and what this diet entailed. And he had to kind of step up as the dad and say, no, this needs to happen. Like, you know, and that puts such a wedge. And I know, you know, when we look at it as outsiders, we can be like, that's just. I can't believe it got to that point. But I feel like if it wasn't food, it could be something else. Like, there's so many things that we just end up making an idol in our life, and that can make this value disconnect with our spouse. And so in that way, I mean, I think that, you know, I don't think they ever went, well, no, actually, I take that back. I think they did go see a counselor off and on throughout the years. And that is something that should have happened sooner rather than later, because it just kept on becoming this bigger and bigger and bigger issue. And I feel like sometimes having that third party speak into it, you know, it helps people. Even though I'm sure that has been said, like, five times or, you know, many, many times, like, sweetie, this is. It's food. Like, I get that this works for you, but maybe, you know, let's let there be more. More of a free flow with, like, the diet here, you know, and expand our horizons with what food our kids can eat. You know, they're just kids or whatever. And I'm a man. Like, I need more calories than you. And, you know, even though he'd probably said that many times, I think having, like, a professional who could just look into it, who's neutral and objective, can say, like, this is causing harm. Like, yes, you feel good. Like. Cause I think that's why she kept doing it, is that the diet would make her feel so good. But you have to realize that your husband is also a grown man who can choose the food. And you have a teenager over here who requires more calories. You know, like having a third party.

And really, at that point, it becomes about a need for control.

Oh, yes.

And that is really the root of, like, so much of the toxic behavior and unhealthy behavior. And whether it's food or fill in the blank, it really comes down to somebody having an obsessive need for control, not only of their own autonomy, their own life, but over their spouse, their kids, the people in their lives. They feel like they have to control everything that's going on in their lives. And what that does is push people away.

It completely pushes them away. It's the very opposite of what they're wanting, you know, because they're wanting them closer. And it's like, no, no, no.

They probably think I'm protecting them if they just let me control them. But even God, our ultimate protector, he doesn't control us. We're not just these mindless robots. He shows us and loves us and he guides us, but we still have autonomy to make choices. And a lot of the choices we make are bad ones. I know that he's shaking his head like, oh, come on, guys, I told you that wasn't going to work.

But then he gives us consequences to drive home the point. It's like there's natural consequences. Unfortunately, one of those consequences with control is that we really find out real quick we don't have control. And like, here we're trying to control the people we love because we think we're protecting them and they want to go far away from us, you know, and so that. That is one way. I know with health that, you know, it can kind of. It can become an idol, and really our values can get disconnected, and it can drive us apart from each other. I think another thing I'm seeing really, in today's kind of health, you know, communities is there's people who will maybe have, like, a weight loss surgery where they really struggled with weight. They realize they need to lose weight. They have weight loss surger, and then they lose a drastic amount of weight, and all of a sudden they have a new body. And sometimes because they've had all the extra skin and things, and they'll have maybe some cosmetic surgeries, and then they feel really good because they're like, oh, my gosh, like, I'm so. I have this body I never had before. And what's interesting about this is we've known people go through these procedures, and it's done, like, amazing things for them, and it's built their confidence. But what's interesting is before they do these procedures, I've had family who has done this, so I know more than the average person. And I remember this. My family member told me she had to go through, like, a psych evaluation before doing it. And then they also, you know, it's really. It's harder than it. It looks. I think people think they're taking the easy road. But believe me, having walked closely with someone, I love going through that. It is not easy in any stretch. Right, sweetie? I mean, we, We. We are so proud of her. And her keeping off that weight. But it's. It's a hard road, and they put you through all this. But one thing they. They ask you in that is kind of about your marriage. And, like, they. They kind of say. They give you a little bit of information, and they say, listen, how is your. You know, how is your marriage? And, you know, usually people say pretty strong because they're like, listen, you're going to go through a drastic change in your body. And we have found that if couples don't prepare themselves for this and how they're going to see their spouse a little differently and their spouse is going to see themselves a little differently, that there are some people that end up divorced because this, you know, the spouse that has this newfound body and all of a sudden maybe is getting attention they're not used to from the opposite sex. It just kind of is something they don't know how to navigate and their spouse doesn't know how to navigate. You know what I'm talking about? And it was interesting, and we had some friends where one of them went through this procedure. And I remember one of the spouses was like, yeah, it kind of put me on guard, like, oh, my gosh, I'm gonna make sure, like, our marriage is good. Because, you know, this. This spouse was like, I want to support my spouse because I know my spouse needs this surgery. But I also. It kind of made me like, you know, this spouse was like. It kind of made me step back a little bit. Like, well, I never considered that. But what it comes down to is a little bit of a change in values, because you had a spouse that had probably been overweight a long time, hadn't really paid close attention, or maybe they did. Maybe they just felt defeated, and they tried everything in the book to lose weight and just couldn't, you know? And maybe they had something chemically going in their body, like, hormonally that was preventing it. And all of a sudden, they're able to get the weight down. And where that had been something that was a struggle is now something where they're thriving. It's hard, all of a sudden, to take that, because a lot of times after people undergo these surgeries, they end up finding a fitness routine, and they really are committed to it. And it can almost be like a drug, because you see the difference in your body. Like, you see the difference, and you're like, oh, no, I can never veer from this. And so their spouse is like, wait a minute. You were eating donuts six months ago with not A thought in the world. And now you're like Mr. Marathoner over here. Like, I don't know how to take this, you know?

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And so it all comes down again to just communicating. I mean, and trying your best to just support your spouse. Because the bottom line is getting healthy. How? You know, there's lots of routes to that. And some people might need the surgery, some people might need some medicine. Some people, you know, need to go hire a trainer or go to classes. And I think that it's like our spouse getting healthy. Whether it's physical health or mental health or emotional health or relational health, that's a good thing. And I think we have to be careful not to be threatened by it. But if we do see that, like, the newfound attention from the opposite sex is going to their head. I mean, just lean in and just.

Be curious, be aware and talk and communicate.

Exactly.

Yeah. These are great insights. Before we sign off, let's pivot again and talk specifically about different political.

Oh, yes.

Because this is the one, especially right now in an election season where things are tense and tough all over and people are just very divided. There's so much, I think, at least here in the United States, where we live in this election cycle, I think we're seeing, I believe, more division even, than we've ever seen. And we've been.

We're just saying a lot.

Yeah, we're just saying a lot. We just keep outdoing ourselves in division. And that's one thing, like we alluded to earlier, when it's just happening in the greater culture, happening on social media or even with extended family that you only have to see at Thanksgiving. But it's different. It's totally different when it's your partner, your spouse.

Yeah.

And one of you is, you know, you're supporting different candidates. And even sometimes when it's not different candidates, you're even maybe gonna vote for the same candidate, but you're different places on the spectrum.

Exactly.

And one is so gung ho that they have that candidate's name tattooed on their body and wanna wave flags.

They want all the signs in the.

Yard they want all of it. And the other one is like, yeah, all right. I mean, I'm not crazy about either one, but, I mean, I'm gonna vote the same way you are, but I'm just not there. And then it could be that tension of, like, I want to be the one. One spouse is like, you don't care enough. You don't even care about this country because you're not all in the way that I am. And the other one's like this. This just seems a little crazy. You know, we're more concerned about this person who will never know our name than we are with what's happening in our own house. We're more concerned with the White House than with our own house. And a lot of couples are there. We hear from them. Some of them are friends of ours who've reached out, and they're like, what do we do?

What do I do with this?

We dread every four years because of kind of the tension it puts on our marriage.

Yeah, well, I think you nailed it on the head, sweetie, with just keeping the mindset of, like, what goes on in my house is so much more important than the White House. Like, and the White House is important. We should be informed. We should use our right to vote. There are people who fought, fought, fought for that right. And I think, you know, man, don't. Don't miss that opportunity.

Yeah. You know, it's a privilege.

I mean, our son Cooper, he'll be able to vote, I guess, for the first presidential election. It's his first one because he's now 19. But last year, you know, there wasn't an election for the president. And so that's a big deal. And we're like, you need to get out and vote. Learn about it. Don't waste that privilege. Like, it's such a privilege. And I don't take that lightly. And so I think we should all exercise our right to vote and let our voice be heard. But I just think we have to realize, you know, Dave's right. Like, that is important. But your day to day is your family. You know, your spouse is the person you pledged your life to. Like you said, I'm going to. As long as I'm living, I'm with you. And that president doesn't. Like Dave said, he's probably not going to know your name. She's probably not going to know your name, whoever it may be. You guys, I just am saying, like, we need to just calm it down, okay? And I have family members where I had a conversation with one of my family members the other day, and I don't even. You guys. I really don't like politics. I do think they're important, but you know me, I'm pretty. I don't like conspiracy theories. I don't get into it at all. I'm not knocking it if you do. We need people like you. We need people who know everything about this. But I think it's holding.

Holding the. Everybody in check, Making sure that the truth's being told.

Find the truth. Absolutely. Let's know who we're voting for. Let's know about the policies and the standings. I just don't have time for it.

I don't have energy.

It's like. And I think it's just all the mudslinging. I'm so tired of it. So, like, anyway, I was talking to one of my family members, and they're really into. Like, they have YouTube going all the time with different conspiracy theories. Like, I mean, it's just on the tv, like, over and over again, and it could be about either of the candidates. Okay. And just these stories, and some of them are so outlandish. I'm literally like, what was the source of this? You know? But they really got going talking about this, and I just. I lovingly was like, listen, I love you. I love that you're into this. I think it's great. We need people like you. But I'm seeing a trend in this stealing your peace. Like, because she was so upset. I mean, so upset. And just, like, I was, like, literally worried about her heart. Like, I was like, this is not good, you know, and she got kind of upset with me. And, you know, she's a very close family member of mine, so I can speak the truth in love, you know, Like, I could with anybody. But more so with her, I feel like I can be very honest. And I was just like, listen, I'm not saying completely turn it off, but, like, maybe not have it on. On a reel. Like, literally on a reel all day. Because if I recorded you, you would be like, that's not even me talking, like a mile a minute, worried about the world crashing.

And that's not the way God wants it.

No.

And it doesn't mean that you don't care about something if you don't work things into. Because that's the people that are selling you this stuff. Like, the people creating these videos and the news and all this stuff, like, they're peddling a product to you. The longer they keep your eyeballs, the more advertising time they can sell. The bigger platform they can build. It is a product. They might believe what they're selling, but it's still a product that they're selling. And you and I are, all of us have the personal responsibility to know when to push back away from something and say, I got to turn this off.

Yes.

I got to have peace. You know, look at the example of Jesus. He came at a time when there was no 24 hour news cycle. There were no cell phones, there were no YouTube videos. I mean, yeah, there were still politics. And he talked some about that. I mean, he was. Be involved, know what's happening, but don't let it dominate your thoughts and your peace. Because all this is passing away.

Yeah.

Like this. All. Every empire of this world, every government of this world. Yeah. While we're living, be involved and do your part to make it better. But there's only one kingdom that's going to last forever, and it's God's kingdom and he's the one who's going to rule it. And that's the peace that we have. And that's the perspective we have to keep. Because without that, then we're going to put so much stock. I heard, I think it was Rick Warren who said that politics has become the God of this age.

I totally agree.

Because even among Christians who would believe in God, but especially those who don't believe in God, it's like politics is their God. It's like they think that's the source of rights, of power, of everything. And we're putting too much stock into government and into politics and into what's happening in the world. And yeah, know what's happening. But we're not meant. The human mind was not built to be plugged in 247 to a never ending news cycle that was fed by conspiracy and by stoking fear and stoking anger to keep you addicted to it. It's not healthy. It's just not healthy. And so if you've fallen into that, and chances are you have not fallen into that because you're 38 minutes into a podcast episode where you could have been spending this time listening to conspiracies. That's true, you're probably some political podcast. You were way into it. You wouldn't even be listening to this because we're not political enough for you. But for the folks in your life who maybe are tied up in that, especially during this election cycle, give them grace.

Yes.

Remember that. Like hope, you know, that the election's going to end and regardless of who wins, we're still husband and wife. We're still family. Like that in the end for us is what has to matter way more than what the pundits are saying on TV and the candidates are saying.

And I know, I mean, you guys, my head is not like in the sand. I mean, I know our lives will be affected by who gets office.

Absolutely.

Sure, there's a lot of our life that will be affected and really our kids lives that will be affected. I mean, it does carry weight with it. But I just think that we can't allow that to steal our peace. And really God doesn't want, even if it's not politically related, he doesn't want us just on a constant reel of anything where we are having, you know, it's vying for our peace. Like he wants us to have his peace in the midst of all this crazy chaos. And it's possible when we really keep the main things. The main things. And at the end of the day, it's like, you know what? One of us is a Democrat, one of us is a Republican. Isn't that funny how God has such a sense of humor? But you know what? Our love is greater than our political affiliation. Or maybe one of you is an independent, one of you is something else, I don't know. But it doesn't. You know, your political affiliation should not matter as much as your, you being a wife or you being a husband. I mean, that's so much more important. And I think it's just important to keep our priorities straight.

Yeah, man, that's so good. That's a good word. So, man, we've talked about a lot.

Yeah.

Covered a lot of ground. And as always, we hope that these conversations spark some meaningful conversations between you and your spouse and that you keep showing each other grace, you keep loving and pursuing each other. And as always, we've got more resources available for you at our ministry's website, xomarriage.com you can go straight to our ministry's streaming service to get something that's way better than 247 conspiracy theories.

That's true.

How about 24. 7 access to the best marriage content on the planet. Go to xonow.com that's right.

Check it out, you guys. And we're so glad you joined us. We'll see you next time.