Stop Trying to Change Me

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That's right. We are talking about the negative habit that can lead to divorce of trying to change your spouse. You guys, and this is one that I think all of us have experienced at one time or another, but sometimes it goes a lot deeper and it lingers and it can really lead to some negative consequences. So we're going to talk all about that. But before we dive in, I want to tell you about something, and that is our premium subscription. You guys may have heard us talk about this before, but I want to make sure you guys take advantage of it because with a premium subscription and only paying $5 a month, you can have ad free episodes of the Naked Marriage podcast and you can get additional content that you will never hear on this podcast without being a premium subscriber. So if you want to do that, you go to nakedmarriage. Co. And now for today's episode.

All right, we're diving into part eight, coming to the close of our nine part series on the habits that lead to divorce. And I hope this has been meaningful to you. It has to us. You know, these are habits that we try to keep on the forefront to make sure we're not falling into this. And just this simple list we've been going through, I hope is just a good guidepost for you as well to say, like, hey, are we, are we falling into, into any of these things? Or what are the areas of our marriage where maybe even outside this list of nine, where it's habits that we've taken on that haven't been healthy. And so today, habit number eight that can lead to divorce is the habit of trying to change each other. And we firmly believe that in a healthy marriage, both spouses bring out the best in each other. So they encourage you to be at your best, but they don't try to ever change who you are, that unique person and personality that God wired you to have. But in unhealthy marriages, there's manipulation, there's criticism, and there's coercion, sometimes even of trying to, trying to change that spouse to be maybe more like you. Like, you know, I want you to do this because I'm this way. And so instead of meeting in the middle or instead of accommodating each other and serving each other, you just try to turn your spouse into you in terms of what you like and how you want to do things. And that just never works.

Well, it doesn't. You know, as you're even describing that, I remember distinctly a couple that met a little later on in life. Neither one had been married before, and they met and they married and very quickly realized they had very different personalities. The guy loved attending every event possible. Like, if the church doors were open, he was there. If there was a work, social thing, he was there. Like it was just all the time. And he was accustomed to doing that as a single person. Well, here he gets married and, and now that he's married, I think when they were dating, even engaged, he didn't necessarily expect his wife to be there, but now that they were married, he fully expected her to attend every work function, every church function, you know, every volunteer thing he wanted to do. And I remember they came to kind of a head because she isn't necessarily as extroverted as him. And I remember they really started having these fights because she's like you know, you can't just fill up my schedule with all this stuff without consulting me. Which, you know, hint, hint, if you haven't already listened to last week's episode, go ahead, because we talk all about that. But, you know, she was very frustrated with that part of it. But she also was frustrated because he told her, he's like, well, we're one now. And because we're one and because I am an active person, you need to come with me to this. And she's like, you're trying to change me. This is how I'm wired. And it's literally wearing me out. And I remember it all kind of came out in the open. And Dave, as one of their pastors, you know, he met with them and it was. It was hard because I could see. And we. I remember we talked to them actually together at least one of those times. And I could see in the husband's eyes, he really didn't fully understand how much he was wearing his wife out. And I think in his mind, he really fully thought that, well, I can just change her because over time she's gonna start loving these events. But she didn't.

This brings me so much joy. And so clearly it would obviously bring her so much joy, because being one doesn't mean you're the same, and being unified doesn't mean that you're going to have the same opinions or wiring. I mean, one of you might be an introvert, one, an extrovert. One of you might love this kind of music. One love that kind of music. You don't have to try to change each other's preferences. You just have to be unified around principles. The principles of, we love each other, we love Jesus, we're going to be there for each other.

And.

But really, love and marriage is about serving each other. And serving each other means, like, all right, you know, my. My spouse needs more alone time than I need, so I'm going to make sure they have it instead of making them feel guilty for it. You know, my spouse, they need more sleep than I need, so I'm going to make sure that they get. They can go to bed earlier without feeling guilty. Or my spouse, you know, they need. They need more social time than I need. And so I'm going to go with them when I. Sometimes more than I want to, maybe. But I'm also going to encourage them to go out with their friends some right. While I stay back at the house. And I'm not going to make them feel guilty for loving being around people as much as they do. Like, that's how God wired you. And yeah, marriage is going to require accommodation on both of your parts because you can't just think about your own interests and desires anymore. You have to accommodate each other. But in doing that, try not to change each other.

Absolutely. And just going back to this couple's story, I distinctly remember when Dave pretty much laid it out just like you just said to this husband and wife. And the wife's face totally changed and was like, oh, my gosh, thank you, thank you, God. You know, because she was really. I mean, this went on for a long time.

Yeah, she was exhausted.

She was exhausted. And really even to the point where she was questioning getting married at all to him. And I mean, as much as she loved him, I mean, I could just tell it was very much like it was. It could have been a deal breaker for her and or at least lead to maybe a tumultuous marriage that neither one of them was wanting to have. And so the guy, though, on the other hand, so she's excited because she's like, okay, finally some reasons happening here. And I just remember the guy, he looks so sad because he took it as a personal attack.

Yeah.

And what, and what we all need to realize is like a rejection. It's not rejection. It's not personal. It's just different. Right. And I think that he fully expected, well, the more she'll just come with me, she'll learn to like it. And, you know, it doesn't. Sometimes that happens, but not always, you know. And I know they finally did settle into something that worked for both of them where she does go, you know, sometimes. But he also has more activities outside the home than her because he's just wired that way. And she has more alone time because she's wired that way. And so you have to find what works. And I was reminded of this story because we actually have a young couple at our church so wise beyond their years. And we were at an event and I asked, I said, you know, hey, we were chit chatting for a little bit. And I said, hey, where's your wife? And he kind of smiled. And he said, well, and this is within their first year of marriage, he said, you know, I'm learning that she's more introverted than me. And just because she's my wife and just because she's, you know, there obviously, you know, that she doesn't have to always attend everything. Like it's not her job to always be at every work function or every church function. And he said, I just don't want to wear her out. And I kind of smiled and. And I remember you smiling. And we looked at him. We were like, you are a wise man.

Yes.

And she is involved in a lot. It's not like she's just like a hermit.

Understood wisely because it could have fallen into that same dynamic. Like, no, this is what I do, and this is ministry, and this is. I'm not going to do it without you. We're married. But it was so wise.

He was honoring me.

Proud of him.

I was, too.

Just to say, like, man, you're getting it. Like, serve her in that way and celebrate, you know, when she does come with you and when she does, make it as comfortable for her as possible, because he's just very extroverted, very outgoing, and she's more reserved. She is a wonderful person, just a completely different personality. And set each other up to win and not to lose. Don't say, you got to be like me. Say, I want to help you be the best you that you can be.

Well, because you don't want your spouse to resent you or the things that you love doing. You know what I'm saying? And I know we've had to work this out and we've shared here on the podcast that, you know, I. I'm very much an introvert. Dave's what people refer to as an ambivert. Like, he's kind of introverted, kind of extroverted, and. But I do require more alone time than you, you know, and I. I love people. Like, I'm. I'm a very much a people person, but I re. Energize by having alone time. And. And I like after an event, as much as I love it, I can be geared up for a while, but then I come crashing down, don't I? I just have to kind of recalibrate. And Dave knows this about me. And, you know, early in our marriage, Dave's been a pastor many years, and as a pastor and as a pastor's wife, you know, there's a lot of stuff going on. Like, there's always something going on, and I'm just so thankful. I mean, Dave, you never made me feel bad for saying, I'm just going to bow out this one time, like, or this week. And I just so appreciate that. And I still sometimes will find myself apologizing. And he, even still to this day, 21 years later, is like, you don't need to apologize. This is how you're wired. It's not like you're trying to be lazy. It's not, you know, this is just how you're wired. You need to have a little more alone time than I do. And I want you to enjoy being at these things. I don't want it to be a chore.

It took a while, but I think we both finally got to a place where it's like, listen, why are we killing ourselves?

Why are we doing this?

To just jump through all these hoops when.

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Really, the main idea we come back to is I want to help you do whatever you need to do to be at your best, right, and honor you and honor you in that way.

And your time and how you're wired. And it's helped so much. And it does, you know, it doesn't let resentment get a foothold. Because I do think, you know, when it comes to divorce, you know, we're talking about habits that lead to divorce. A lot of these, you know, another thing they have in common besides there being a disconnection, is there's a buildup of resentment. And that resentment, man, guys, it really is something that can grow and grow and grow. And then we start believing more lies and more lies and thinking, you know what, we should just be better off by ourself because we don't need to deal with this and it can never be better. And so, you know, we need to really be able to look at our spouse, to look at ourself and really ask ourselves, am I trying to change my spouse?

That's good.

Is there anything, you know, any part of our marriage where I'm treating them in such a way that I'm expecting them to change to what I want, you know, And I'm not, you guys. I'm not talking about wanting your addicted spouse to become sober, you know.

Right.

That's completely different.

Wanting them to be at their best.

Right? Just wanting them, like, you know, how they do things. Like, for example, I am super anal retentive. I'm very particular. I mean, even how I fold towels. And early in our marriage, you fold still.

I still don't fold them right.

He doesn't fold them right. It's fine. I refold them. But anyway, like, I. I'm telling you, early in our marriage, like, my mom. Well, right before we got married, my mom, you know, she taught me a lot about housekeeping. She's. She's great at keeping a nice home and very particular, too. And she was like, you know, you fold a towel into threes, like it's a threefold, right? Well, Dave folds it in half. And you guys, in all honesty, there's really no right way to fold a towel. Some people roll them up. Like, you just roll it up, whatever. But, you know, I remember in the early years of our marriage, I was.

Going in a little place where nobody even sees it, and I'm just going to yank one out anyway. But. But I realized this is important to her, and I'm. And you know what? That's great. I love the fact that she's particular because, like, our house is beautiful and our life is ordered in a way that it would not be because. Because of that. And so I celebrate that. And me and all of our. I'm kind of a slob. All of our children are too slob. I am a little bit. You know, it's helped elevate us, you know, but every marriage, I think, faces some of this. There's a couple at our church, a newlywed couple that are actually much older because they're both. She's a widow, he's a widower. And they're going through some real tension in their newlywed marriage over this issue. It's like, she's super clean and he's just not. And now that they're married and living together, they've gotten used to doing things their own way. And it's a real tension point for both of them.

Cause it's how you live. I mean, it affects you.

It does affect you both. But I think when we talk about don't try to change me, one of the ones where it's most maybe delicate and most sensitive is when you're trying to find that line between encourage your spouse to be healthy but not wanting to make them think that I'm not attracted to you the way that you are, or I'm trying to change you to look like some airbrushed model. We have a book called Naked and Healthy where we talk about kind of how to be at your best mentally, physically, and spiritually and help each other in that. But it can be a delicate process of, like, wanting to encourage you. Like, hey, you know, I want to encourage you in your health. But when your spouse senses that you're trying to change them physically, that's one of the quickest ways to cause hurt feelings and division in marriage. And maybe when the reason you're listening to this podcast and you saw, you know, stop trying to change me, it was over that particular issue. It's like, if you feel like your spouse is always like, you've got to lose weight, you've got to lose weight, or you've got to do this or that, and you just think, well, I never measure up. They're not attracted to me. And it is devastating.

It's so devastating. And if you want to know how. Well, how do I deal with that? You know, we have some episodes on this podcast through a Naked and Healthy series. But also our book goes into great detail on this. But essentially, you know, we can encourage each other to get healthier by maybe finding an activity to do together, like walk together, go to the gym together, something like that, maybe do a class together. But really not just every day kind of harping on what they eat and being really nitpicky. I think that's where we, you know, the whole, like, where this really does fall into being a negative habit is when we're just nitpicking at every little thing, like how they eat, not being, you know, not exercising enough or whatever, or, oh, you know, you still haven't gotten back into your jeans that you could wear before you had the baby or whatever it is. You know what I'm saying? There's a lot of ways that this. It's just very demoralizing, and it's very dismissive and disrespectful, and we just need to be very careful about how we approach that. You know, I also think it's really important that we don't try to dim the light of our spouse. And I. I just. I hear, you know, we have people write us who talk about this. Like, for example, maybe when you marry, when you dated, engaged, you know, were engaged to and married your spouse, they're like this life of the party person. You know, they're really funny. And loud. But. But now that you're, you know, a little bit older, maybe in more professional environments, they're still, you know, they still have their same zest and they're kind of loud, and maybe they. Their voice carries and it's embarrassing to you, so you're constantly like. Or, no, sweet. Don't say that. Or maybe, you know, that that is so hurtful because to them, that's like, well, that's what I thought you loved about me. And all of a sudden, I'm. I'm an embarrassment to you. And you guys, we've witnessed this. Like, I've witnessed this when, you know, and it may not be that particular scenario, but when the thing that the spouse used to love about them all of a sudden is like, this embarrassment, it is so hard to watch. And it's heartbreaking for that person because, you know, this is how they are. And. And granted, there might be some times where they don't realize how loud they're being or whatever, but when we're constantly correcting and constantly saying, like, oh, rolling our eyes. I mean, we may not even say anything. Maybe it's our body language. Like, we're just turning our back. We're rolling our eyes. We're. We're apologizing for them. Like, maybe we're like, oh, my gosh, I'm sorry. Like, he's, you know, he doesn't even know. I can't take him anywhere, you know, and it's not jokingly. It's like, serious. It's very, very. It's just. It's hurtful to the spouse because it's like, you don't love how. How I am, you know, And. And I think that we just need to be very careful with that. And I think sometimes when we're in a rut already, that's when we tend to focus on those things. And the thing that we love becomes the thing that, like, just grates us, you know, but we need to. We need to really come back to it and think to ourselves, like, you know, what is it that's really getting to me? Is it that just that. Is it that they're being too loud? Am I trying to change them? Is it that there's a hurt? Like, maybe they hurt you, and then it's manifesting itself and you being nitpicky with them and trying to change them, but really get to the root issue because that you need to heal from that and get help with that so that you guys can start communicating in a healthier way, not trying to change each other. But trying to grow stronger together, man.

That is pure gold. That'll help save so many hurt feelings, so many miscommunications. Guys will just apply that. And every single couple has moments where they need to, need to apply that because our nature is, you know, to have blind spots. And so a lot of what we're talking about here on this podcast, not only in this episode, but all the way through, is just helping us all be more aware of those blind spots, those things that we might be doing that we're not even realizing could be hurtful, so that we can do it in a more effective and healthier way. So we hope this conversation has been encouraging to you. Don't forget to tune in next Monday for the very last one in this series, Part nine, in our nine part series on the habits that lead to divorce. And you don't even have to wait until next Monday for a new episode because in two days on Wednesday, as we're doing every Wednesday now, you can here our hump day Q and A special episode where we answer one of your questions. And we love the questions you send us. You can, you can send in questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or just write us on Instagram @davandashley Willis and maybe one of your questions will be answered live on the air. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. We appreciate you so much. God bless. We'll see you next time. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means half day. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment.

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