Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships

Well, hello there and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And you guys, you are in for a real treat today. We have some fellow podcasters who have a podcast called Crazy Cool Family, which I just love the title right there. And we connected with them years ago and we finally are going to have you guys hear from them too.

So.

So. And you're probably, a lot of you are already probably familiar with them, but I think it's gonna be a real treat talking with Dawn Manning.

That's right, yeah. Dawn and Suzanne. They are founders of Crazy Cool Family, parents of seven kids, five grandkids, and we've got Don with us today. Before we dive into the conversation, I just want to share a few stats from their website. They've had over 40 pets, over 130 lost teeth. Now, I grew up in Kentucky where even the adults lose teeth, so we probably got that number beat.

It's improving. I think it's improving.

We've got over 3,300 sporting events and counting, over 50 overseas missions, trips and counting, and over 44,000 diapers purchased. Those are some serious stats. And plus all.

And that's not. And that's not counting the grandkids.

Not even counting the grandkids. Yeah, you thought you were done and then the grandkids came and now you're back at it. But Don, you guys just have a thriving, beautiful, multi generational family and a thriving ministry. You're helping people all over the place. Like Ashley said, we love connecting with you and Suzanne on your podcast and just being able to meet you guys. And it's a privilege to have you on the Naked Marriage podcast.

Yes. Welcome.

Thanks. So glad to be here. I'm actually up in Arkansas right now visiting. We have four of our kids in Arkansas and three in the Dallas Fort Worth area. So even with the, you know, it is, it's a different. You know, it's funny, you were talking about the grandparenting stuff. We are seeing so many grandparents get excited about our ministry because, you know, they are concerned about their grandkids, concerned about their children parenting in this crazy technology and culture world that we. And so what we're going to talk about today is it's not getting less relevant. It's getting more relevant as we learn how to pursue our kids, learn how to help them overcome. I was just sitting down with my 19 year old at breakfast just before this, talking about the impact of technology in his life. You know, Literally, he said, he told me, he said, dad, technology is a damper on my life. He said, that's what I'm learning, damper. I was like, that's profound, Maddox. Tell me more about that. And he was just, but you know, just so, so unique. The challenges we are having today for parents and so super excited to get on and say, let's figure out how to tackle them.

Yeah, I love that. And you guys truly are the real deal. You know, we've met with you in person and hope to spend more time with you all because we want to learn from you guys.

Yeah, definitely.

But you know, I want to just give a little. I mean, Dave kind of alluded to this, but just kind of the genesis story of how you and Suzanne met. If you want to give like a short little snippet of that before the seven kids, before crazy cool family and all that.

Yeah. So, you know, my, one of my best friends that Suzanne and I up on a blind date and she had a little baby at the time. I always say Molly is our oldest daughter, she's 33 now. And I always say I fell in love with Molly. Married a mom. And so true because she was pretty good looking at the time as well. But yeah, we got set up on a blind date and both of us were out of college. Suzanne had brought the child to the marriage, just had a kind of a fling with an old boyfriend that led to a pregnancy and man loved the way she did it. She just stood up and said, I'm going to have this baby. And even though she was, it's kind of like the girl next door, you know, has an incident, you know. And so she just bravely said, I'm going to have this baby, I'm going to finish school. She was a teacher and I met her when she was a school teacher with a one year old. And I said, man, this is a crazy cool woman. I'm going to figure something out here. And we got married. We actually got super involved in a local church. We helped start it that is now a multi site, thousands of people church. But at that time it was a lot of families that were, some of them were homeschooling. You know, a lot of very. What I saw were very dedicated families. But one of the things I tell parents a lot is the local church is a great place to be for your family. You know, we've been involved in the same church for 30 years. We got super, you know, involved there and you know, baptized all seven of my kids there. And so the local Church has just been a real blessing to us, and that's where we started learning a lot about family. You know, we got it. One of the things we happened to us is and we got exposed to some families that had more kids, you know, had. You know, and it made us open to, you know, okay, we love children, so are we open to that? I never thought I'd have seven kids. Never. I think Suzanne had a secret agenda that she never told me about. But that show Eight is Enough, if you remember, many years ago.

Yes.

Hammered with the Waltons and Ada's enough. But I wasn't, you know, and so. But, you know, just one of the things I tell parents, too, is, or just tell families and men and women is, what if you dream with God a little bit? You know, what if you allow God into your heart? And for us, that one of those dreams was, let's be open to having a larger family. And so. And then we just. It didn't really. Wasn't really intentional, but just kind of happened. And we. We eventually figured out what causes it, but. But, you know, and we just kept having one more, and now we have seven. So that's kind of our. It was never really. Oh, yeah, we're going to have seven kids, you know, and we're. That's our goal. We're gonna. But it was, you know, just really hearing the Lord's voice and stepping into what God has to us in the next season. Just kept going. Yeah.

So good.

Yeah, I do. I love it. And you guys are just. You are doing it, right? I'd love to hear just. We're in a. Just a little bit behind you. We just launched our first to college, and you're about to launch your last. So your youngest right now is 17. Your oldest is 33. So your kids are, you know, all grown. You know, that last one is just almost grown. But what's the transition been like? Because you still keep such great relationships with your grown kids now and your grandkids. What did you learn in that transition into parenting? Adults, like, where, you know, they're no longer under your roof, you're transitioning more from that kind of authoritative parent to a friend and mentor. Like, I'm wanting to know because, like, again, we're just. We're just at the start of that. What did you guys learn?

You know, Dave, I think the transition actually starts in middle school.

Okay.

Okay. One of them is that I think a lot of parents, when the typical scenario I think I see a lot is we have parented in some ways. And then all of a sudden, we hit middle school, technology hits, and what do we do? You know, all the puberty hits, and we get scared and we want to control. And really what happens is we alienate that relationship going forward. So there's this alienated relationship that we call the teenage years. And I'm like. And Suzanne and I, we just tell people it's like, the teenage years should be fun. They should be a blast. They should be, you know, you're creating some great friends for the long term. But I think because of our fears, and some of them are valid fears, but we just approach them wrong. And so, you know, and Suzanne even says at that point, our kids are on a bridge, and they are looking towards adulthood on the one hand, and looking back towards childhood on the other hand.

Yes.

And so we are navigating that bridge for them. And that's really where the transition starts. And they start asking questions, they start wanting to explore things. They start wanting to explore technology, more, sexuality, more, all those things. And how we handle that is going to be a big factor in how we transition. When they're 18, they are, you know, they need to grow their faith. At that point, they're gonna, you know, So I always say, man, yeah, we think of the transition when they go to college or whatever. And, you know, just a quick story on that. So my first daughter, Matt. Our first daughter, Molly, stayed home for a couple years, so we didn't really have that. She lived at home for a couple years. Second daughter went to Texas A and M. And so I'd had a really. This is. She's. She's 30 now, probably. She's 20, 28, 29, I shouldn't say. I don't think she's 30 yet. I don't have all the ages. Right. She goes to college. And we, you know, I had a real busy summer, so I don't really think about it. And so we drop her off at Texas A and M in this apartment deal that's kind of student housing apartment. And Sunday morning that we're leaving, it hits me. I mean, that I'm leaving my daughter and I just start bawling. I mean, not. Not just a little bit of crying. I mean. I mean. Yeah, because I hadn't really thought about it and all just hit me.

Yeah. Hit you all at once.

Yeah, it did. And so, I mean, it was really. And we cried all the way home. But then what was funny was, is she calls us that night. And so Texas A and M, they have what's called Howdy week. Oh, and they do like a tenth a week of orientations and all these things. But there's no classes. So you have 10,000 freshmen, you know, that are there with no classes that have been released from their freedom for a week. And Madeline calls us like the next night and she's like, there are 10,000 freshmen running around here like crazy people. And there's like one. When there's like one cop.

It'S chaotic.

He's like, who thought of this? Who thought of this? This is crazy. So that was our first transition experience. And then. But to answer your question, I think it starts there. We're, you know, if we can navigate that relationship. As a teenager, I've sent six kids to college.

Wow.

And I've never worried about one of them. Why? Because I know their heart. They're not perfect, mind you. Every one of them had things I wish that I would have. I wish I would have done better as a parent. I wish they were, you know, more, you know, each one had different things that I wish were different when we were sending them off. But I knew their heart and I knew they had a heart for God. And so. But all that happened in that middle school, high school time so that the transition becomes easy, you know, it really does become easy to do. Not easy in terms of we miss them, but easy in terms I'm not fearful of what's going to happen to them when they go into college.

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You know, dawn, that is so good. And I think you hit the nail on the head about parents being afraid. I think there's such a fear of their kids walk, especially for Christian parents, their kids walking away from the Lord. I've actually, with dear friends of mine, walked through their kid. I wouldn't say that their grown adult child has completely walked away from the Lord, but really not walking closely with the Lord and how much it grieves parents. And I think, you know, I mean, it is, it's just like it really. We're all praying, like all of us are praying. And I truly believe this one particular adult child will come back to Jesus. But I just think, you know, some of these kids do have paths that keep parents up at night. And they're like, why are they, you know, like, if only I had done this or that. I think we start questioning ourselves. But there is at the root of that a fear. And, and we don't respond well when we're afraid. You know what I'm saying? Like, and what I hear you saying is let's start earlier than we think in really having, like, really focusing on building that close knit relationship and also, you know, kind of building that relationship, but also giving them like little steps of freedom along the way so that when they do launch that they have that confidence in who they are and whose they are in being, you know, sons and daughters of Christ. And also what you guys have done such a great job of. And what we really try to do is, is for the parents to be that safe place to land when you do have the hard questions, when you do have issues going on. And so I just love how you, you talked about that. But I would say, go ahead.

Oh, no, think about this. I mean, I want to summarize. Kind of, you know, fear leads to control and control kills relationships. Yes.

Yeah, that's good.

Well, so our role as a parent is to launch them, not to control them.

Yes.

And also, you know, I think so often, you know, the fear is, is that. And, well, let me say it like this. The very things we fear as we try to control them actually lead to those things happening versus versus them doing other things. You know, our pastor calls it opposite theology. Okay. Normally how we feel is the opposite of how we should respond. You know, I feel fear. I need to love. Yes. You know, I am angry, so I need to forgive.

Right.

If we can approach parenting like that, then I think that it really radically changes the way we parent and it radically changes the way we connect with our kids.

Man, I've never heard it put that way. But right when you were saying, I'm afraid, I have fear, I need to love. It just, it's biblical. I mean, perfect love casts out fear, like, and then the same with the angry. I need to forgive. It's like us going first, you know what I'm saying, and pushing against those, you know, Emotions are emotions. But, like, when we get the. When we let the emotions become our compass is when I believe the enemy gets a foothold and we start doing stuff that we were like, how do we get here? Like, how did I overreact? And now I don't have this close relationship. So that is really good.

Let me give you an example of that. That will rock Parents world one time. So Suzanne was a counselor at a Christian school, and one of the parents come to her, and so she's. Well, first of all, I would say that she saw a lot of young ladies come to her, and she would say, they would tell her their story of whatever was happening in their lives. And she would say, well, have you talked to your parents about that? Oh, no would be the answer. Okay, why? And what do you. The answer is always, they're going to freak out.

Yeah.

Oh, yes. So I'm.

I'm out of my fear. I'm going to freak out, and therefore my kid's not going to talk to me. Okay, so this is the story. So a mom comes to Suzanne, and she says, while we were traveling, our child broke into our liquor cabinet and invited some friends over, and they all got drunk.

Yeah.

And Suzanne said, well, what did you do about it? Well, of course, I grounded him for, you know, rest of his life and took away his cell phone and, you know, he's in a prison inside his bedwell. She's like, well, that is. Aren't you so excited about that? And the mom's like, what do you mean excited about? She says, look, it's happening under your roof. He said, did you talk to the child about it? Did you ask them why they did it? Did you ask them how it felt to get drunk? Did you ask them, you know, what were they thinking as they opened the liquor cabinet and what they thought about you and your relationship and everything? And the mom's like, no, I didn't do any of that. But she's like, that's relational parenting. We get opportunities. You see discipline, situations different. You see their questions different. You know, when we really parent, what if we just, you know, what if we just start to help them, guide them along the journey rather than try to control them? And again, then parents say, oh, you've taken away all my discipline. No, not really. It's just. Let's think about how you use it.

Right?

You know?

Yeah.

You know, we tell parents a lot. You always have the discipline hammer in your pocket.

Right.

You know, don't go out there and just start banging it all over the place. Because you're gonna. But be like a skilled carpenter, hit the nail once, you know, use it wisely and how you do that. There's just so much in that that helps us connect with. With our teenagers.

That is so good.

Yeah, that's parenting gold.

Right There really is.

And it's still giving us tools, you know, because you're right. I do think sometimes people are like, well, what about discipline? It's like, you're not saying you never discipline or anything like that, this. But it's really more about their heart and what. In the way that you're parenting relationally, it's about the heart. So what are you going to say, honey? I feel like.

No, no. I mean, that's just. That's. That's a masterful explanation of parenting really, through all the seasons. But I think especially, you know, like the teen years, and it's got to be so relational that you're building the foundation for the whole lifelong future of your relationship with them based on kind of how you're relationally parenting.

Right.

And yeah, that's a great template. Even that story about the liquor cabinet is so true. It's a great example of, like, how we could take a situation, this difficult situation, and really turn it into a great growth opportunity for the kid and for our relationship with them by how we respond.

So true.

Well, and like, for example, you know, you. You haven't answered your question, Dave, yet about dealing with older kids, you know, as they get older, you know, as an example, you know, one of my kids, I will let them. I will help their anonymity if you will ask me about, you know, when they were getting to turn 21, they started asking me about drinking. Okay. You know, and so, you know, a lot of Christian parents would say, I would rather my child not drink. You know, I would rather them. Or maybe they say drinking is great or whatever. But, you know, you know, everything in me wanted to lecture my. Because I've had ups and downs with that, you know, and I want to help him avoid that. Sure. And so. But instead the conversation becomes, what do you think about drinking? You know. Yeah. What kind of drinker do you want to be?

Yeah.

What is your vision in your life for drinking? And so. And we had lots of discussions about that to help him because really, especially the older they get, the more it's got to be their idea.

You're so right. Yes. We're seeing that a lot.

It is so good.

It's so much better when we can help them land on instead of Us just telling them, you know, yeah, this.

Is like free counseling for us.

Yeah. What were you saying, Sergeant?

Yeah, well, I mean, it is. And a lot of it is so hard because I really like my opinions.

Yeah.

And I really think I'm right and I really love my kids and so I really want to give them that opinion. And also it's so much more efficient. I've been down the road, I know what to do. If they just listen to me, I could solve all their problems 10% of the time that it takes, really, and.

Save them a bunch of hangovers and.

All of it, all the bad parts. The, of things.

Yeah. But, but, you know, but, but yet when we, when we allow, you know, just like I said, I was just having a conversation with my 19 year old and he was just talking about things. He was learning about technology and distractions. And I'm like, yeah, like Maddox, you know what, you're, you're 19 years old. You're getting to build your life right now.

Yes.

What is, what is your life going to look like? You know, what does your college experience look like? What is your, you know, with your degree, what's your adult, what's your vision for your life? And then just when we start asking those questions, one, they want to talk to us, you know, which is everybody, every parent wants their kid to talk to them. I'm like, you're not really, you're not really that I wouldn't want to talk to you either, you know, the way you're doing that. Okay, what if we change and become somebody that, you know, that our kids want to talk to? Because we're going to listen, we're going to ask questions, you know, we're going to, we're going to help them, you know, and then, and then I can share with him. So, for example, what I was doing with him was I said, man, you know what? I'm going through a new season because we're just like, I'm full time in our ministry now for the very first time.

Oh, awesome.

So just last year that became. And I'm like, God's wrecking my life with what I'm going to be doing the next 20 years. It's totally different. I said, I'm going through getting rid of distractions myself. And, you know, so then we can relate to them from our own experiences. And now it becomes a healthy relationship.

Does that make sense? Totally. And honestly, I mean, we're taking notes like it really does, because we are, we really want all those things you just described and Having that strong relationship with your kids. And also, like, what I hear you saying, like, even talking about your own life. Life, you know, as they get older, I think doing that more is good too, because it also teaches them to be invested in what's going on with us and not just, you know what I'm saying, Like, not that we're only a sounding board. Like, we're building a relationship that is reciprocal. I mean, yes, it's different, you know, from parent to child, but it. But as they grow older, it is that kind of reciprocal relationship, and it takes effort to build that, but I think just wanting to be being there. And what I hear you saying, too, dawn, is asking curious questions, like where. Not not only that you're curious for the answer, but you're encouraging them to be curious with their motives and to be curious with the person they're becoming. And. And I. I just love that. So. Yeah. Did you want to add something, sweetie?

No, no. I'm just taking all this in. I mean, this is. This is goal. I'm gonna be a better parent because of this.

Because you guys are.

Yes, because of. Because of Don. Like, this is a.

It's so good. I mean, really, we're gonna have a good conversation after this.

Yeah, we really, really are returning.

And I would also say, you know, there. You're also. I think so often parents think they have to be perfect for their kids.

Yes.

Because if they're not, then their kids gonna follow in their steps. I mean, you know, I mean, Suzanne had to share, you know, some people would say with Suzanne, you know, she went through some things in her college experience that, you know, she got pregnant out of wedding. How does she handle that? She shared that story at age appropriate times with her girls. Okay. All of my girls are very healthy sexually. You know, they're married now because. But I think when we're vulnerable with our kids and we share age appropriately, what's going on in our lives, and the older they get, the more they can hear, then they realize that we're real people fighting real issues and. And serving a real God.

Exactly.

And so they see the impact of the real God in our lives, and they can relate to it. And they can say, oh, okay, I respect them more and I learn more from them. And so that's part of that issue of sharing our hearts. I think it starts when they're little kids. I mean, I would just tell our little girls and boys stories from our childhood.

Yes. They love that. They love it.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, so it starts there. You Know, we're just sharing stories that are age appropriate. Some things where, you know, I remember one time, Macy, my daughter, was concerned because they. She had a blemish on her face and she was gonna have to go to school with that blemish on her face, so. And that was just gonna be terrible as middle school, I think. And I said, man, I remember one time when I was in grade school, I got a haircut and they really messed it up and one ear was much. You know, one of them was down here, one of them was up there. I was devastated to think to go to school. And of course my mom made me go. And the most amazing thing happened when I went. Nobody noticed. And I realized that it was those people were thinking more about them and not thinking about me. I was able to write that story. Not, not some story of how I was successful and all that, but just how I've been through the same. You know, sometimes I think we were, we forget that we were once teenagers, you know, and we were once 18 and 20 and we had all those fears and all that stuff. Well, that's gold to talk about that with your kids.

It is, yeah.

When the more vulnerable we can get, I mean, they lean in more. I even see that with, with our youngest, our 8 year old. The favorite stories of his is when I'm telling him something I did that was dumb or when I was embarrassed or silly.

Yeah.

He leans in and he wants me to tell those stories over and over again.

I was gonna say he remembers every detail.

Yeah. Those are the only ones he remembers. It's not like the wise life lesson.

He remembers those too, but they do love it. Man, we could talk to you all day.

We could, we could. Don, thank you enough. Thank you. We can't thank you enough, you and Suzanne, for the ongoing work you're doing and tell our listeners where they can connect with you and crazy cool family and, and keep learning from you because.

So much to learn.

This 30 minutes or so conversation is, is, is the, the tip of the iceberg of the Manning family treasures of wisdom. So where can folks find you?

Well, and to summarize, kind of what we do, and it's not everything, you know, some people say, you know, do you have a marriage? You know, course. Or you talk about dating or you talking about, say really what we do more, anything. And it came out of our own parenting. I remember being, you know, having four daughters and saying, because we have four daughters, then three sons, and it's me and my five women in my house and I'm going, I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I really don't. I always tell parents, if you could see me when you're five, you'd be like, how in the world did you get here, dude? Because it was rough. I mean, I was a believer, but, I mean, I was very controlling parent. I just didn't know how to do it, really, in so many ways. And I say that to give hope to parents, but I remember being. But I also realized at that time I was going to have an impact on my kids. And no matter what I did, it might be a bad impact or a good impact, but it was going to be a major impact. I knew that because I could see it. And. And so I remember saying two things. One of them is, I want to win the game. I really want to win. And two, I don't have a clue how to do it. And so I said, you know, we were studying a lot of stuff at the time and, you know, before the Internet and things and going to conferences, and I just said, man, I wish somebody would write me a guidebook. I wish somebody would give me, like, you know, our pastor talks about how vision is guardrails. You know, it tells you what to put in and what to leave out, you know, if you have right vision. I said, somebody write me a guidebook and tell me what to focus on to raise. To have the best shot at raising a Christian family.

Yes.

In my book, to have the best shot at going seven for seven. That was my. When I had seven kids, I remember thinking, I'm going seven for seven. I'm going to learn all I can. I'm going to give it all I can. Because like you were saying, Ashley, we lose one, that's a painful deal. Anyway, so that's what we. When. When we got. We saw some revelation from the Lord, we said, we're going to write that guidebook. We're going to write that guidebook, and we're going to. We're going to focus. We're going to be laser focused on. On making sure that. And that's what we've done with Crazy Cool Family. And that comes out in a membership. In a free membership site we call Basecamp.

Yes.

And what Basecamp does. And it's. It's free for now. I don't know if it'll always be free, so go get in it right now. And basically, we have. We also have our book that does the very similar things, but I like Basecamp the most because it's got It's a bunch of courses and short videos that basically, I will promise any parent if you will go through the 10 courses we have in Basecamp, it will dramatically change your perspective on parenting. Now, you may choose to follow it or not, you know, but I mean, it's going to give you some insight that. Because it radically changed mine and everybody that I know that's been through it, we have thousands of parents in there and everybody that is willing to go through it. So go to basecamp.crazycoolfamily.com we can send that to you to put in the show notes. And it's got a series of courses in there that will take some time to go through. It's not our. It's not a one, you know, it's not a weekend deal. It's more like, you know, do it over several weeks and months as you go through it. And a little bit at a time helps. But that is where. That's our vision, because our goal and mission is to inspire and equip every parent to build their best family. Yeah. And Basecamp is our best way to do that. We have a podcast. We have all the other things, but that's where I send parents, because that's where they're going to get really transformed. Yes.

And it's so needed, I'm telling you, because I do think so many times we don't do anything different because we just don't. We feel overwhelmed. And so I just encourage, you know, parents listening. Definitely go to basecamp.crazycoolfamily.com Did I say that correctly? And then definitely get their. Their same book by the same name. Crazy Cool family. Also, the Crazy Cole family podcast. You guys are so awesome. We'll have to have you guys on in the future again. Maybe both of you can come on then and we'll hear both of Yalls perspectives. But, dawn, you've just blessed us and blessed all the listeners today. So thank you so much.

Thank you. Excited about your new podcast.

Thank you so much.

And thanks to all you guys for listening. And do us a favor and share this one. I promise you, just like it helped you, it is going to help the people you share it with. And so do us a favor and share that and look up the Mannings. You'll be blessed by what they're doing. So thanks again. We'll see you next time.