Stressful Seasons

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The rhythm of work and rest is a beautiful part of what God has created us to do. But Jesus, you know, he gives us this invitation in scripture and he says, come to me, those who are weary, and let me give you rest. My yoke is easy. My burden is light. Come to me and find rest for your souls. And I read those words and it's. It's just like, so, so refreshing to remind myself that. That Jesus, he isn't calling us to come and say, work harder, work harder, do more, do more. And yeah, there are things that we have to do and there are times we have to work hard, but his ultimate invitation is come to me and experience my rest. Hey, friends, welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. All good things must come to an end, and our summer quickie season is drawing to a close.

That's right.

Today's the last one. That doesn't mean that Quickies can't continue to be a part of your life in other ways.

You love it, don't you?

But here on the podcast, you know you'll have to wait till next summer to get a podcast version of Quickies. But we've had so fun this summer. I hope you have, too. I hope you've caught lots of sun. I hope you've had family time. Maybe you've gotten a chance to travel a bit. Whatever you've done, I hope it's been great. We're excited about this season wrapping up as fun as it's been, because this fall, we've got amazing things happening at xo. We've got some wonderful events happening. You can go to xomarriage.com get a full list of where we're going to be traveling this fall. We would love to see at one of those events. And here on the Naked Marriage podcast, we've got big, big things happening, too. So stay tuned next week for. For some kind of a kickoff of a new season. But we're going to finish strong today doing an episode about dealing with stressful seasons in your marriage. And it's just timely for us.

Timely, yes.

Because, you know, we've come out of Kind of an intense travel season. There's been a lot going on with the kids. A lot going on. Both work, home. Ashley's in a school program for biblical counseling and like all kinds of things, mostly good things, but have happened all at once at a pace that's been a little bit unsustainable and has created some stress. And so this is a fresh topic for us.

It is to the point where we were just literally talking this morning, driving in about how Dave is going through some digestive issues because of the stress.

Yeah. Combination.

Which in our marriage, we've been married almost 21 years. Actually 21 years, by the time they're listening to this, already been married 21 years. So, you know, we kind of know some of our telltale signs that there's stress. Right. And for Dave in particular, when he's feeling under stress, it really affects your digestive system.

I have a very sensitive system, apparently.

I think a lot of people can relate to that. And I mean, years ago when we were in a stressful season, probably like eight years ago, he was convinced that there was like something really wrong. You didn't tell me yet because you didn't want to like alert me.

Yeah. Because when I get under stress, like I feel. It feels like there are knots in my stomach. Like it just feels. Starts to feel that way. And during a very stressful season. This was probably, I don't know, six or seven years ago.

Yeah. Somewhere around there.

Maybe soon. I don't know. My timelines are all messed up. But it was a while back and it was so intense. Like my digestion was all messed up and I was trying to take antacids all the time. And I felt like there was a growth in my stomach. Like they were going to put a scope in my stomach and find some massive tumor. That's what it felt like. And I actually did have an endoscopy where they did put a scope in my stomach and they're like, yeah, nothing there. I think this is all just kind of like stress related indigestion. And so stress can have physical manifestations and it's something I've had to work on. And I've had other kind of medical related issues that have helped with that too. Once I got like the thyroid thing diagnosed and other things that we've talked about. I won't belabor those points. But stress can so impact your health and your marriage if you don't deal with it in a healthy way. And I'm saying this as a guy that hasn't Got it all figured out. But I've come through some stressful seasons and where my own health was negatively impacted by the way that I was responding and learned from that. And now we're coming out of kind of another stressful season. Not as intense, I don't believe, as it's been in the past. You know, no crisis. There's not a crisis we face. It's just been busyness, it's just been regular life stuff, but a whole lot of it, the pace of it happening, you know, a lot at once. A lot at once is what it's been. And so we're trying to learn from that. We're trying to learn to let go of some things because I used to just try to say yes to everything and then figure out how to do it later and I would over commit. And now I'm realizing, like, I just can't. Like I. I'm becoming more aware of my limitations in a positive way.

Yeah.

Where I. It's okay to say no to things, even if it disappoints people because I've got to find a sustainable pace for my health, for my faith, for. For the joy in our home to be protected and of course, for our marriage to be protected.

Absolutely. And I remember years ago when you were going through that, there was a book out by Lisa Turker. She's one of my favorite authors. And it was called the best yes or your best yes. I can't remember. If you Google best yes, you'll see it. And I read that because I just felt like both of us needed that message. And it's so good because it's saying how you can say yes to a lot of things, but is it really the best yes? Is it the thing that's. That's really where your time needs to be going and where your attention and efforts need to be going? Because a lot of times we have to say no to a lot of otherwise good things. It's not that they're bad things. I think it's easy to say no to bad things sometimes, but most of the time maybe. But it's hard to say no to things that feel like, well, this is a good thing, a good opportunity, something that I want to do. And sometimes we really need to pray about that and shelf that and say not now. It's not like a. A firm no, but it's a not now. And so I learned a lot from that book and I highly encourage you if you have a hard time saying no, which often can cause more stress than we need in our life. I mean, some stress. We can't control it coming into our life. It's just life circumstances. But there's a lot that we can control. And that's the kind of conversations we've been having is like, you know, where in this next busy season of travel and different things, how can we make this a little less stressful or maybe a lot less stressful? And what are things within our power to do to add more peace into our life and to have healthier rhythms? You know? And so we really. We have those conversations quite a bit. And that's really kind of the point I'm trying to make here, is as a married couple, it takes both of you sitting down and saying, where do we need to monitor and adjust? And you guys, if you listen to this podcast for any length of time, you've heard us say those. Those phrases a lot. We did not come up with that. We actually heard a couple at an event we were doing. A couple was sharing, and they used that phrase. And I was like, that's so perfect. We need to monitor and adjust. And this is something that is going to be a regular practice throughout marriage, because unfortunately, guys, we never arrive in marriage. We never just have one epiphany and like, boom. We just know what we're doing all the time. It's just not how God made it. We live in a world that's changing all the time. We're changing all the time. There's circumstances that come in our life that we never saw coming, that we didn't necessarily bring on that are stressful, and. And we have to cope. We have to find a way to deal with it. And so for us, it takes really having that open line of communication and saying, like, what's working, what's not? What do we need to monitor and adjust in our calendar, in our health? Like, I know for me, personally, I feel like right before the pandemic, we wrote our book Naked and Healthy, and we were just flying high, feeling healthy. And then the pandemic hit, and, like, a lot of people, we were like, I mean, shh. Yeah, I got pretzels, and, like, I got pretty chubby.

And then. And so then, like, I got chubby, and then we had to, like, go on a speaking about naked and healthy with visible love handles. And so I felt like a hypocrite, but at the same time, I didn't want to stop eating.

It's real life, though. I mean, this is real life. And so I'm like, man, we need to rein. You Know, rein it in. Like, let's put those principles into practice. And so for me personally, it's like I need to do those things that I know are going, not only are good for me, but make me feel better. And that's like, you know, drinking more water and making sure I'm getting adequate sleep, making sure we're getting exercise, you know, making sure those walks that we talk about all the time are happening regularly and that we're doing the things that we know are going to make us feel better physically. But also, you know, it's all connected. When we feel better physically, it helps our mental health, too. I mean, you know, a lot of times when you go to see a counselor, one of the things they will tell you to do is to have some form of exercise, because that is actually going to help your mental health as well, because it get your endorphins going and it helps you feel better. And so, you know, we've. We have to tell ourselves these things too. I mean, we may write books about this stuff, and we do know a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we always do it the right way because we gotta remind ourselves mistakes.

That's right. So, like, yeah, we learn. We'll learn from any sort. We learn from the Bible first and foremost, because that's always true. But we learn from life experience. And a lot of our life experience has been the failures we've learned from.

That's right.

And then we learn from other people. You know, we're always trying to ask people, what's working in your life? What are you learning? And we try to apply that and then share it with you guys. Anything positive we learn, we just try to turn around and share it. Share it with you guys. So the stress thing, though, is something that we're still learning, and it's one of these areas. Usually in marriage, one of you is better than the other at certain things. You both got your strengths. Ashley is way better at most things. Really? But that's not true. Well, it kind of is, but yeah, you're just. You're just so good. You're not as good at taking a compliment. That's what you're not as good at.

You're silly.

But she's great at lots of things, including. She's much better than me at managing stress. Like, stress, like, I just tend to internalize it. And then I'll just get frustrated, and then I'll get angry and have a shorter fuse. And then.

Well, I think with Dave, kind of a pattern that we've seen that we're. Again, we're both works in progress here, and we try to hold each other accountable. But a theme with Dave is he is such a. He's a prolific writer, he's a prolific everything. Like, he gets stuff done. Like, if no one could ever say you're lazy. No one could ever say, that guy doesn't get stuff done. Because if you send him an email, he's going to email you back. Not only within the hour, probably within 15 minutes, if he has his phone on him right now, our kids have his phone, so that's why he can't respond.

But.

But anyway, you know, he's. He's just one that gets it done. And so when he feels stress, come on. Regardless of what the cause of the stress is, you're a doer. You feel like, I must do more to relieve stress. But then what happens is you end up. You get more stress because you get exhausted. And then when you're exhausted, like all of us, you're not at your best, you know? And he doesn't take a nap. I've tried to convince him. You guys, I feel like naps are holy. We know Jesus napped at least once.

And, well, the problem is, like, my rhythm.

It's not your rhythm.

You gotta find your rhythm. And my rhythm is like, I like to go to bed early. I like to get up early, but during the middle of the day, that's my peak energy. And I can't nap because that's even if I'm stressed, even if I feel weary, I have too much energy in the middle of the day to take a nap. Now, going to bed early helps me, but you've got to find that rhythm that works for you. And I have to remind myself, too. I think sometimes in our mind, as Christians, even, we have this false sense of who God is, what he's doing. And we've got this picture of God up there saying, like, just work harder, do more, work harder, do more. And yet he's called us to be productive and to work. The rhythm of work and rest is a beautiful part of what God has created us to do. But Jesus, you know, he gives us this invitation in Scripture and he says, come to me, those who are weary, and let me give you rest. My yoke is easy. My burden is light. Come to me and find rest for your souls. And I read those words, and it's just like, so, so refreshing to remind myself that Jesus, he doesn't call on us to come and say, work harder, work harder, do more. Do more. And yeah, there are things that we have to do, and there are times we have to work hard. But his ultimate invitation is, come to me and experience my rest. Come to me and experience my rest. Because he's really the one who's done all the work. His last words from the cross were, it is finished. Now go. Work harder. Do more. It is finished. Like, I've done it. I've accomplished it. I did it for you. I did something you never could have done on your own and receive that gift and walk in the reality of that gift of grace that I gave my life to give to you. And then he conquered death and rose again to show us the new life that he makes possible. And when we remind ourselves of who we are in him, it should bring healing and freedom to our souls. It should energize us. And so when I'm getting really stressed sometimes, sometimes what I'll have to do is to just remind myself of his promises and his truths, and I'll have to put down all the things I'm trying to do to be productive. Because work can become an idol. Like, it can become something where we find our identity in what we're doing. Like, my identity is I'm productive. My identity is I'm good at this. And sometimes we have to lay all that down to say, no. My identity is that I'm a child of God. My identity is that Jesus loves me. And I. I need to just rest in that. That I'm already loved. And I can't earn my way into more love like, I'm already loved. And I just need to rest in that and be thankful in that. And it's something that I've got to remind myself of a lot because my tendency is to just. I'm feeling stressed, so I've got to do more. I've got to do more. And really, it's the opposite is what I usually need in those moments. I need to let go of all the stuff I'm doing and really embrace rest and the peace that comes from rest.

And you've been doing a great job of trying to embrace that more, because I know it goes against what you want to do and to break cycles that aren't serving you. Well. It doesn't feel right at first, you know, but I know that Dave, I mean, Dave is always one. Every morning he goes in our front room and he reads the Bible. I mean, every single morning. I don't think you ever miss a morning. And so you're starting your day with God's Word. And that's so good. And I know you're praying too. And then he's taken it a step further, especially when he was really getting stressed. And he shared this with you guys. You know, one of our sponsors, Faithful Counseling Dave, was like, you know, I don't feel like I'm managing my stress well. I need to talk to a professional. And so he did it. He used Faithful counseling, had a great counselor, really talk through some things with you, and you felt like it really helped. And so a lot of times we just need to reach out for professional help. And you know, we talk about for marriage, reach out to our exo mediators by going to xomarriage.com help. They're amazing. But for individual counseling, go to getfaithful.com and you can have amazing virtual counseling.

NakedMarriage.

Oh, I'm sorry. NakedMarriage. Yes, that's right.

And you can. That's like our page with Faithful Counseling. And we recommend it.

There's some kind of deal with that as well.

So like Ashley said, you know, it's something I did. Anything we recommend to you guys is something we believe in and something that we, we're doing ourselves almost every time.

Absolutely.

Whether it's even if it's like advertising a food product or something, it's like, so we actually like the taste of this. But with the counseling thing, which is much more important, something that we believe in, we just believe in counseling.

Absolutely.

We believe in what our mediators do here at xo, like Ashley just said, so you don't have to figure it all out on your own, is something that can help relieve stress. You. There are resources and people and professionals available that can help you with this. And I'm so thankful for that.

I am too. And I want to say this too. I know if you're, if you're a kind of person who feels guilty about allowing yourself to have rest or relaxation, and I'm talking about you, Dave, he really, he's such a hard worker that he. You do for many years you felt guilty for accepting invitations to go on guys trips or for, you know, going away to have a little moment. But let me say this summer he has been asked to go on a guys trip for how many years? Like four years or something with these, these guys that you met in Israel. Okay.

Yeah. Finally said, okay, I'll go.

He finally said, I'm going fishing and.

I'm going to go stand in a river and, and learn how to fish for a couple days. So.

But I had to, like, practically beg him to go. Because I'm like, I just know what good it's gonna do for him. And the other years, you know, it just. Sometimes the timing wasn't right. But I know. I think that there's a lot of people. And I mean, I've had moments like this, too, where I've been like, no, I can't go to that. And you've been such. I mean, an advocate for me. And you've said, sweetie, this would be so good for you. Go take two days and go to that women's conference or go on that girl's beach trip for two days. And I'm just so grateful that you do that, because I know it takes a lot on the person staying home with the kids and staying home, holding down the fort. It can be a lot on them. But I think it's so good when it's in balance. Let me make sure that's very clear. When it's in balance, this isn't happening, like, all the time. And taking away from your family, when it's like, you know, once or twice a year, you get to go and be refreshed and be poured into. I feel like that's a healthy rhythm. And so I'm just so glad that Dave is doing this. And I know it's gonna be so good for you and therapeutic and, you know. Cause you're gonna be with. With friends, you know, Christian friends, where you can pour into each other, but also you're learning something new. There's something really cool about being in nature and learning something new. And so I'm really excited to see, you know, what this does just to relieve stress for you. So, you know, for you watching and listening. Think about that, like, what are some things maybe that you've thought about, but you've always said no because there's, you know, there's just been some kind of excuse. And maybe it's been a legitimate excuse, but maybe it's been that you just never want to even consider it. I would just say, like, look at your calendar and say, maybe this year could be the year that we. That we do that. That we say, you know, let's go somewhere together. Maybe it's you going together. That'd be amazing for a couple days, get away, pray together. Do a vision retreat like we talk about all the time. You can actually go to xomarriage.com and look up vision retreat. And you can get a guidebook to help you walk through that. We actually did. We recorded some video sessions at Exo now if you want those to walk you through it as well. But you can do that together as a couple. And that's going to breathe life into your marriage and to each other, you know, individually. But also think about like, is there some kind of spiritual retreat, like a Christian retreat that you can go to? That's a couple days. And I'm telling you, those are so life giving, aren't they, sweetie? I mean, we don't get to do that every year.

Conferences through the years have really changed our lives. Speaking of conferences. Oh, yes, the Quickies. That's right. The exo conferences are second to none in terms of just getting away with your spouse and recharging. And we've got some great ones coming up this fall. We're gonna be. Yeah, we're gonna be in different cities in different parts of the country. So go to xomarriage.com and you can get the full line of. If you got. If you want to just specifically look at conferences, go to xomarriage.com conferences and you can see the full lineup there. And we want to.

And they're amazing.

They are so fun, guys. They are so fun. I mean, we learn a lot, we laugh a lot and we leave recharged. And we want the same for you. So come and check that out. And thank you guys so much for tuning in with us this summer. Come back next week for the fall series kickoff and also come back this Wednesday for a hump day Q and A episode.

Hump day Q and A.

We love it. Shout out to Eric, our producer who's making the magic happen in here. And shout out to special guest in the studio today, Nancy from our customer service team here at xo. Best team on the planet. They serve churches and individuals and they're awesome.

So they're amazing.

Go to exomarriage.com and you can see all the great stuff this ministry is doing. We love and appreciate you guys. We'll see you next time.