Summer Quickies: Habits of Sexually Satisfied Couples

Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we have a great episode for you today, continuing in our Sexy summer Quickie series.

Yeah, this has been so fun. These short episodes answering your 12 biggest questions about sex. And hopefully you guys are having fun along with us, laughing, learning, and applying these to increase your sex life, but also every part of your marriage. And today we're gonna talk specifically, what are those habits of sexually satisfied couples? And even more specifically, how do we have healthy conversations about sex? And maybe it's an issue where you and your spouse have struggled to really talk about it openly in the moment, what you like, what you don't like. So we're going to. We're going to unpack that today, and it's going to be a fun conversation. But first, we want to tell you about an important resource. So check this out.

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Okay. All throughout this sexy Summer Quickie series, we've talked a lot about how communication plays a huge role when it comes to a thriving sex life. But a lot of times we don't know quite how. How to communicate what we like and don't like specifically when it comes to having sex. And one thing we want to really just address right out of the gate is that we need to make sure we're being honest with each other, especially when it comes to what we like, you know, and that it's motivating when you hear your spouse say they like something or, you know, that. That. That feels good. But we also need to be honest about what doesn't feel good, because I think sometimes, especially when you are newlyweds, you want to make your spouse kind of get to climax. And so I think sometimes we won't necessarily say if something's hurting, especially women. Like, we won't tell our husband that something is painful, but we need to be honest about that because, you know, your husband doesn't want to hurt you. He wants it to be a pleasurable experience.

Yeah. He wants to know you don't have to pretend like, please don't pretend or fake anything. Talk about this feels good, this doesn't feel good. I'm not sure about this. You know, let's keep trying this and maybe it will start to feel good. Maybe I just need to get used to it. But communicate about all of it. Talk about where you like to be touched, how you like to be touched, where you don't like to be touched, what you would like to try, what you would not like to try. You know, talk about all of that and make it a safe place to talk about all that without judgment. You know that you're not gonna ever shame each other for not liking something or for liking something. You're not gonna do that. You're gonna be supportive of one another. You're gonna talk through things. It's gonna be a safe place with mutual respect where you wanna protect each other and you wanna maximize the pleasure and the connection for both of you. And you gotta talk about it for that to happen. Your spouse is not a mind reader. And just because you're connecting in this really intimate way doesn't mean that somehow they can burrow into your brain and see everything you're thinking and feeling. So you have to talk. And that's an important part of the process, especially if these are things you have not talked about or if things have changed over time and something you. You don't anymore or something that you haven't done, you'd like to start doing and talk about those things.

It's so true. So when it comes to being, like, in the act, you want to talk about what you like and dislike, but you don't want to talk about these deep conversations in the act because that will kill the mood. But you do need to be talking about sex. Like, for example, you don't want to talk about, like, oh, I don't think we're having it enough, or, you know, I'm just not attracted to you anymore. Like, you don't want to have those.

Kind of conversations or, wow, you've really gained weight.

Or like, yeah, like, this doesn't feel the same. How much weight have you gained? That's gonna kill the mood real fast, right?

Yeah. Be an encourager.

What smell like, what is that?

Yeah, we need to be honest. But the Bible says speak the truth in love. So, yeah, when you're saying something that's potentially corrective, Is this true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If it's not spoken in love, then don't say it. But you do communicate about it. And so, sweetie, let's talk just a Minute about kind of the difference between the things that you should say in the moment versus the things you should say when you're not in the moment. Because I think that you should have great conversations about your sex life over breakfast and in these kind of non intimidating environments without children present. Yeah, your kids aren't there, but you're talking about it just driving in the car in a natural way. Like, you know, what do you say in those moments compared to what are you saying in the heat of the moment? Because in the heat of it, you can't have these full fledged deep conversations. It needs to be more. I kind of picture it as like during a game you're playing in real time, things are happening quickly, so to speak, and you're on a football team. This kind of whole illustration fell apart as I started talking about it.

I'm not comparing you like it's in me because I don't.

I know it's not a sports thing.

Somebody listening knows, right?

Yeah, you're not into sports.

Go with it, sweetie.

But in real time, you're having to make adjustments. You're having to encourage the team. You're having to maybe change plays at the last minute. And those communications are going to look different than what's happening in a locker room or practice where you can sit down and really unpack things.

I get the locker room. I get it.

Okay, so the locker room is kind of like when you're not in the moment. That's what you're talking about over breakfast or in the car.

Strategy.

Strategy, yes. Like what's working, what's not working? What can we do better in the moment? It's going to be shorter, it's going to be, it's going to be very clear communication, very direct. But you also don't want to belabor the point by killing the mood and saying let's sit down and have an hour long pow wow about this. But you still want to talk. So good, so good, so good.

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Exactly. So like talks that would need to take place in the locker room, so to speak, would be things like the sexual baggage that we talked about a few weeks ago. If you're, you know, maybe that's something that kind of popped in your head in the moment. I wouldn't unpack that in the midst of having sex. Like, but you do need to address it. Like, don't act like it didn't happen, but you do need to address it later in the locker room, so to speak. But when it comes to like, like Dave said, coaching in the loving way, and I'm reluctant to use the word coaching because that can kind of be the wrong word.

I'm kind of regretting some of that analogy. Because you don't want to be like, all right, now I'm going to tell you what you did right, what you did wrong. This was good.

You know, it's more about, like, I like this. It's not really coaching. It's more saying your preferences. Like, I like this. This is hurting me. Or I'm not feeling. I'm not really getting stimulated in this position. You know, you gotta be just honest about it. Like, let's try a new position. And so. And there's. That's not cutting your spouse down. That's just.

You can say that from your preference in the moment.

Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, these are moment things. Like, you. It's not. We said coaching, but it really is more telling what you are feeling. You're not telling them, you know, or attacking them on what they are feeling or they are not feeling. You're saying, this is how I feel. This feels good to me, and this doesn't feel so good. And again, we talked about this before in many other podcasts. You're using really I statements, not you statements. Okay? And saying like, this feels good. Let's keep on doing that. Or can we try this other position? But if you need to really unpack.

Why.

I wouldn't go into the why, necessarily, because that may take longer or it may kill the mood. That could be a good locker room conversation.

Yes. Yeah, but talk, you know, talk again. Say what you like, say what doesn't feel good.

And for all of you theater people out there, let me just say this. The whole thing, it's an intermission conversation, okay? But if you are on the stage.

Getting away from the sports, you're looking.

Off in the wings, getting a little direction. Same exact. Same exact thing going on for you theater people like me.

I'm following you.

We can track.

I'm following you. And notice communication during the act. It doesn't have to be just with specific words. I mean, sometimes if you just make Pleasurable. Sounds like you kind of have your own little code language. Like, I know that if she makes this noise, that means I'm just saying yes, I like it.

Yeah.

Yes, that's a positive.

And sometimes too, it doesn't even have to be a word, guys. You can just move like you can just put your hand and say. Just putting a hand on a shoulder can demonstrate slow down or speed up or whatever it is.

Okay, yeah, you gotta work out that code between the two of you and just make sure you're on the same page. And you're like, I thought the hand on the shoulder meant faster, not slower. You got to talk about what stuff actually means. But again, communicate. None of this is rocket science, guys. But at the same time, it's the simple things, when not done properly, that really sabotage a marriage. Simple doesn't always mean easy either. The recipe for losing weight is simple. You eat less, you exercise more. At simple, it's not easy if you've ever tried it. The recipe for a great marriage is pretty simple. You communicate about everything. You put each other first. That's simple in theory, but it's not easy because all of us are prone to selfishness and we're prone to weaknesses that will cause us to sabotage that. That's why you have to constantly monitor how things are going and talk about it, come back to it. Every couple can have a great sex life, though. That's what we want you to hear. No matter what your past has been, no matter what kind of shape you're in right now, no matter what your hang ups are, every couple can have an amazing sex life. If you'll really work to serve each other's needs, you'll grow in areas inside and outside the bedroom and you'll communicate about these things.

And you're gonna learn too what your spouse likes. You're gonna know kind of their tells, so to speak, when they're really feeling it. And that's just the more, the more that you have you make love, I mean, you're gonna know that. And I think too it's okay to ask to say, like if you're, especially if you're doing, you know, something different, you can say, do you like this? You know, if you're not sure, if you can't really tell if they like it, ask them, say, do you like this? And then be willing to say yes or no. You know, just be honest.

Yeah, that's good stuff, guys. Well, I hope this has been encouraging to you and I hope that it will help you do a better job of bringing your spouse to a place of ultimate pleasure. Make that your mission. Like, I want. I want my spouse to, like, have a maximum amount of pleasure whenever we make love, and I want to know that I'm doing that, and I want her or him to tell me. And I hope for both of you, it leads to more enjoyment, it leads to less anxiety about these things, and just more fun in the bedroom. Because God made sex. He made it to be fun. That's why we talk so much about it. And I hope that this has helped you guys today.

Yes. Just be sure to be an encourager, be kind, but also be very honest in a loving way. And you're gonna have the best sex life ever. So thank you guys so much for joining us for this sexy summer quickie. We hope you join us next time. Bye.

Bye.