Summer Quickies: How Men and Women are Different

Hello and welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our sexy Summer Quickie series. And we're so excited to address the 12 most asked questions when it comes to sex. And so today we're gonna address the second question.

Yeah, and it's a good one. It's a big one, one of the most common ones that we get. And I think that it's gonna help you both communicate about sex and really understand your in a more appreciative way that could lead to better connection both inside and outside the bedroom. But before we get to today's question, we wanna tell you about an important resource.

You know, I'm so excited about this question today. And so we're just gonna get right down to it. And that is, how are men and women different when it comes to how they see sex and especially when it comes to how they handle stress when it comes to sex?

Yeah. And this, this is huge, guys. Now listen, and when we talk about these things, we wanna give a little disclaimer that this isn't a generalization that applies to 100% of men, 100% of women. But when we give any kind of generalization that's gender specific in sex, the research tends to point to the fact that at least 80%, at least four out of five women are wired up with these kind of specific attributes related to how they see sex. And at least four out of five men are the same. And so you might be one of the 20% where you're like, oh, it's different, or the roles are reversed in our marriage, and that's fine. That doesn't mean you're weird. It doesn't mean any. It's just, you guys have to communicate with each other. We're communicating these broader trends to help you understand how most people are wired so that you can begin the conversation of understanding your spouse better. But bottom line is you've got to know what works for your spouse. You've got to talk to him, you've got to talk to her and see where they are. And so as it relates to this issue, how are men and women wired up differently? Well, we're wired up a lot of different ways. We're not going to talk about all of them in terms of different drive and how men, women, look at visual, the visual nature of sex in a different way. We want to start the conversation, like Ashley said, with this issue of stress. And you think, well, what does stress have to do with sex? Here's the first point, and it might surprise you, but then if you think about it, you might think, oh, that makes sense. That's how we are. Most men view sex itself as a form of stress relief. Most women need stress relief before they're in the mindset to make love. So this is proof that God has a sense of humor and that he puts us together to serve each other's needs when we're completely different. Because a man and a woman can both be faced with a stressful situation and their responses sexually are the exact opposite. The man says, I'm stressed out, let's have sex. The woman says, I'm stressed out, don't touch me. Right? And then you both have to navigate this.

It's so true. And, you know, a lot of you listening are probably nodding your heads right now, like, yep, yep, we deal with that. And so it can cause issues because, you know, here's maybe the husband is stressed and he's thinking, I really wish I could have sex right now. But then the woman maybe is equally stressed and she's thinking, that is like the last thing on my mind. I've got all these other things that I'm stressed about and I wanna resolve these things. And so what's a couple to do? Well, again, it's a great way that we can serve each other. I know we say that a lot, but it really all comes down to just serving one another and really realizing, like, I'm going to help my spouse be better if I can serve them in this way. So for wives, if you fall into that majority that we were talking about, you know, just being able to give your spouse, your husband a quickie might be the very thing that makes his mood just completely better the rest of the day. I mean, there's so much power in a quickie. Like, seriously, some guys are listening to this.

Like, this is the best podcast I've ever listened to. Like, I wanna record this one. Yes. I wanna make sure that the world hears it. So I do think that that can be a great way to serve each other. But guys listen at the same time. Men talking to you, you've gotta be so sensitive to the fact that your wife is probably wired up a lot differently than you are. We talked about this a lot in last week's episode about serving each other's needs and how sex isn't just the act itself, especially for women, that it's all the emotional connection leading up to that act. Foreplay is an all day event. The importance of non sexual physical touch, the importance of conversation. Most women have a drive, a need for communication that's every bit as strong as the typical man's need for sex. Guys. So your sex drive, she has a communication drive. She wants to connect with you and she wants to feel secure with you. Most people, men and women, have some insecurities that manifest themselves in the bedroom. For a lot of women, those insecurities are rooted in body image issues and physical appearance issues. And so men, you've got to make her feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. And in your eyes, that's exactly what she should be. For a lot of men, we have performance insecurities where we're worried about those kind of issues. Ladies, you gotta make sure your man feels like the man that you just see him as this warrior that he is and build him up with your words. Build each other up with your words. Foreplay isn't just talking sexy foreplay and building each other up is really about encouraging each other, making each other feel loved and secured and desired. And that's going to do so much to alleviate a lot of those stresses.

You know, we talked last week about how we need to be having more sex and how sometimes in our busy lives, it takes putting it on the calendar. And so when it comes to putting it on the calendar, if you've, you know, you have that on the calendar, you know, like, it's Friday, we're going to have sex. But yet something happened to your wife and she is like super stressed out. Husbands, this is a great opportunity where you can serve your wife and do whatever you can to help alleviate some of that stress because, you know, you're wanting, you know, to connect sexually later. So that would be a great exercise in saying, okay, how can I serve my wife in making sure that she's not feeling the weight of whatever stress is going on. And so I know for, like, us, you know, personally, I've talked about this before. If I feel like I have a ton on my to do list, or the kids have been super angsty that day, or there's like laundry that needs to be put away, it's hard for me to kind of get my mind into a romantic mood. And so what Dave tries to do in those moments, and I don't necessarily have to even ask him anymore, but I would. I think we always need to communicate our needs and not just expect our spouse to be mind readers. But you know, Dave, he'll see that I'm stressed and he will make sure, you know, the kids stop fighting, or he'll put that laundry away. He'll do whatever he can to be a great helper and that we're supposed to. And this is, again, this is not gender specific, but we're meant to help each other in all things. But especially if you want to bring out the best in your spouse, especially when it comes to wives, and you're in that majority category, husbands take some stuff off her plate, it's gonna allow her to be in a better mood. She's gonna be more likely to feel in a romantic mood and, like, getting intimate and feeling sexy. When we feel like there's just everything in the world to do, and then you put the body issues on top of it, It'll just kill our libido. So we need to make sure we're bringing out the best in each other.

Yes. And realize that your spouse, again, is wired up differently than you. You know, I heard a couple talk, a couple that we met. We weren't really close to them, but we did share a conversation. And the husband, he said, listen, describing this scenario where the wife will get stressed because of all the stuff she feels like she has to do and sex is the last thing on her mind. And how he is looking at it from his perspective, and he's so deeply wounded. And his perspective was this. He would say, it feels like to me, my wife, by saying, no, I've got to do this first, but I can't be in the mindset to make love because there's laundry to do or there's this to do. In his mind, he's thinking, she's choosing every random thing, every random task ahead of me. This is my most important need. This is the most significant need I have. And what it feels is, she's saying, anything in the world is more important right now than meeting your most important need. Now, in her mind, obviously, she's seeing it as a completely different thing. She's saying, I want to be present, being able to connect with you in that way, but I can't be present when I know that I've got all these things going on. So you've got to realize that your spouse is wired up differently than you. They're seeing the situation differently than you do, and you need to serve each other's needs. Instead of being quick to take offense when we can be quick to take offense when we feel like our needs are not being met, instead serve each other. And Ashley said this. We keep coming back to this. This is a real theme for a great sex life. Is serving one another instead of demanding your own way. So for the husband, do that chore play, you know, do some chores, help take some stuff off her plate. For the wife, realize, you know what, I can do this particular task later. But my husband really is desperately wanting to connect with me in this way. This is his primary need or one of his primary needs. I'm the only place that he can get this need met. And I want to show him how much I love and care for him by making sure that need is met. And I'm going to enjoy it too. And if we'll both. If both spouses will get in that space, it'll make such a difference.

It will. And I just want to say too, you know, whichever spouse has the higher sex drive, don't make them feel bad about it. Like, don't make him feel bad that, you know, in this scenario, we're talking about these majorities of, you know, when it comes to stress. In particular, don't make your husband feel bad that sex is something that helps relieve his stress. I mean, this is how God wired him. If you're not in the majority, and maybe it's the wife who feels stress relief when you have sex, don't make her feel bad. You know, we need to, again, play to each other's strengths and serve one another and know that we're different and that's not a bad thing. That be glad you're not married to your clone. That would probably drive you crazy. And so we just need to be able to just serve one another, not make each other feel bad. You know, wives, I just wanna say, when it comes to, you know, like, maybe your husband's stress and he's asking you, like, can we go in here and just have a quickie? I really need you right now. Don't be like, ugh, it's another thing on the list because it's just really, you know, it just says to him that again, like, oh, my gosh, you're such a drain. And I just. I hate that you have this need. I don't, you know, I'm gonna meet it, but I'm really.

Or like, there's something wrong with you disgruntled about it. I don't need sex that much, so why should you need it that much? It's like, any way you're different than me, you must be wrong. And that's just so prideful and wrong. And say, you know, God wired you up this way like Ashley said, and I'm thankful you're not like, me. And that we're different and we can serve each other's needs and that you're.

Happy to do it. Like, you're, you know, I understand if you don't have the same kind of high libido as your husband or that, you know, like, maybe you're not in the mood in that moment, but when you can help relieve stress and connect with him in that way, we just have to be very careful with our body language and how we address him. Like, when he does come to us and ask us that, because, again, it just sends a message like he's not important or like his needs don't matter. And so we want to both, both the husband and the wife try to serve one another, try to meet each other's needs and do it with a good attitude. You know, I mean, we tell our kids to do things with a good attitude. We need to have a good attitude, too, as spouses. But sometimes we just need to be reminded of that, man.

So, so good. Hey, guys, we're going to keep this conversation going all summer in this. In this kind of quickie format. So thank you for, thank you for being part of this. Thank you for subscribing, for leaving your reviews, for letting others know about this resource. Keep talking with your spouse. Let this be a conversation starter to lead you guys to a deeper intimacy both inside and outside the bedroom. And let's keep the conversation going on social media, too. We would love to connect with you on Instagram, Ave and Ashley Willis or on Facebook, and we hope to see you there.

That's right. We'll see you next time.