Summer Quickies: Marital Rape

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our summer long series that we like to refer to as our summer Quickies. Hint, hint. Quickies are fun.

They are. And just both in podcast and in whatever other context you might use that works.

And in marriage. Right. And so we are doing shorter episodes just because we know summer's a busy time, but we're still chalking it full of content. And this summer we are focusing on one question at a time. So it's a whole full summer of Q and A Quickies, as we like to call them. And we find these questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com so we thank you to those of you who have submitted your questions. But before we dive into today's question, I want to share with you another review from Amazon, actually for our new book Naked and Healthy. And we appreciate you guys so much for leaving these reviews. Today's review is from Lauren Head and she gave us five stars. Thank you, Lauren. And she just entitled it, Love it. She says excellent book for all married couples or engaged. Dave and Ashley have great insight and they are the best 10 out of 10 recommended.

Oh, thank you, Lauren.

Thank you, Lauren. It's so awesome. And you know we wanna share these with you because really you may or may not know this, but the best way to spread the news about a great book or resource that you like is to go to Amazon and leave a review. Because let's be honest, that's where all of us go. We wanna find out about a product or a resource and that we, you know, that want to look into and whether or not people like it. And so if you have found Naked and Healthy to be helpful, please go today to Amazon. Regardless of if you purchase it on Amazon, you could have purchased it from our XO Marriage store. You could have purchased it at one of our conferences. It doesn't matter. You can still go and leave a review on Amazon. And if you do that, we are just so grateful and it just Lets people know about how to have a stronger marriage and spreads the message of everything we're trying to do here on the Naked Marriage podcast.

Yes, it does indeed. And even if you're not a big reader, or maybe you prefer an audiobook because you're listening to a podcast right now.

So I love audiobooks.

Listening. I love an audiobook too. We narrated the the Naked and Healthy podcast. Well, we narrate the podcast all the time, but we narrated the book and it was such a fun experience. So check out the audiobook. You can also get that on Amazon. And we certainly appreciate, Like Ashley said, we're doing this summer Quickies where we are answering one of your questions. In addition to the nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can also send us questions. They don't necessarily make it on air, but we try to respond to every question you send us on social media. We're doing a lot more on Instagram. So if you're not following us on Instagram, look up Avandashley Willis on Instagram or just search the word marriage on Facebook and our marriage page should pop up. And we would love to connect with you there as well. But today's question is an important one, a heavy one. My heart goes out to the woman who wrote this, but I appreciate her courage in sharing this. Today's question says this. We've been married for 10 years and have a non existent sex life. My husband wants it and I do not. Early in our marriage, I felt raped by my husband and I felt like he just wanted me for sex. I've been working through these feelings but still have no desire to have sex with him. How can I overcome past marital rape for the sake of our marriage? And man, this, this is heavy. And you know, if you felt at some point in your past that your spouse has completely, in the most intimate way possible, violated you, violated your trust, I really can't imagine the level of kind of baggage that that, that would bring. And so I certainly see why 10 years later there's still this cloud kind of hanging over and she's saying like, I don't want to live like this. You know, I want, I want to have a good marriage. But at the same time, you know, this, this thing that happened was, was so egregious, so terrible that I don't know if I can move past it. What do I, what do I do in a situation like that? And I think that, you know, we can talk specifically to her situation, but to also maybe talk to those folks who there's something in the past from their spouse they can't get over. It could have been infidelity, it could have been some other breach of trust. But we want to start by very specifically, as best as we can, answering her question.

That's right. So she's saying, basically, you guys, we only see these questions right when we start recording because we want it to be fresh. And so I'm just trying to understand where she's coming from. Sex life is non existent. Married 10 years. And so I guess at some point they stopped having sex. But in the early years, maybe it was just really, I guess, where he was just demanding sex from her. A lot of times when we read these questions, we know they're very nuanced, and so it's hard to know exactly where they're coming from. And so clearly it sounds like this wife was very hurt by feeling. Like by rape, I think she means for sex where he was like, you're my wife, you need to have sex with me.

And I mean, and I could be wrong too, but trying to read into this that overall there was a pattern of him just. She was feeling used in the act of sex, but then at least one incident where it was non consensual and just absolutely forcing himself upon her. So I see it both. It's like a both and it's both a single act of a really, you know, criminal violation. Right, right. But then also kind of a. An overarching theme of her just feeling used. Like. Like sex was never a point, a true point of connection. Yeah, it wasn't making love. It. It was just, you know, she was. She was just there to kind of like meet, meet his need and now has pulled away and there's. There's no sexual intimacy or sex of any kind happening at all. And so they're both in that position.

Well, I think from her standpoint, she's like, I don't know if he's capable of making love. I think that just as a woman reading this, I have feelings that just come up where I'm angry for her because I feel like it's just so against what marriage is all about and what God designed marriage to be. It's supposed to be a tender place and sex was made for marriage and it's supposed to be mutually, you know, consensual, but also enjoyed. And it just is so heartbreaking that he would be forceful about this. But, you know, I wonder. Here's my question. I wonder if he realizes that this is how she sees it. And secondly too, it Sounds like she really wants to still be with him, so she must not feel in fear of her safety. That's why I have a lot of questions with this, because I feel like it is a form of abuse, and I wouldn't encourage someone to stay with someone who is abusing them. And that's why I know Dave's looking at me kind of perplexed, but there's a lot that goes into this.

There is a lot that goes into this. And we certainly. Certainly my good. We never, ever want to give any kind of advice that would make a person feel enabled to be an abuser or to feel coerced into staying in an abusive situation, especially an abuse that's that violating. So my first question would be, like, Ashley alluded, do you feel unsafe with this person? But I'm not necessarily reading that. I'm not reading that because she's saying, I want my marriage to work. And so really, it's this one past incident where she doesn't feel in fear. Now. I don't think there's a fear that this is gonna happen now. But they haven't ever worked through, like, how did it get to that point?

Like, the trauma.

The trauma that. I think it's a great question you asked of, like, does he know. Is this something that you've carried? Was this. Does he know that you see it that way? Or was him just thinking, like, hey, we're both kind of into this, and she's not saying anything, and you're like, I would just be very, very clear about, if you haven't already, how you feel, how this made you feel, how you've not been able to overcome the breach of trust this was and the violation this was. And then I think, together, sitting down in a safe space with a mediator or counselor. We offer some online options here@xomarriage.com help which is a safe place for both of you to kind of share your recollection and your. Your perspective of that experience, and then try to make a plan for moving forward, to rebuild that trust that was shattered all those years ago. And. And then try to try to make a game plan to do it. Because right now it sounds like you've gotten into this. This place where there's not even really much of a marriage. I don't think it's not. Not only the sex that isn't happening, but the trust, the intimacy, the connection on all levels. So both of you are unhappy, regardless of all the situations that played into why you're both unhappy. And so you have to ask yourself, what are we both willing to do to bring healing? Or if we're not willing to do those things, then if we can't trust each other, then why are we staying married? But to live in this kind of unhappy limbo forever isn't a good thing. And she realizes that, which is why she wrote.

She does. She's so wise to write us. And I appreciate her honesty here. But here's what I would say. He does need to know. I know we already established that. If he doesn't already know. But what I hear from her is maybe even if, like, let's say he does know, maybe he's not remorseful. And so she's not able to move on. Because in order for trust to be established, there first has to be remorse and forgiveness. And, you know, and if she's living with this person that, you know, raped her and which is a form of abuse, and she's having to live daily and, you know, now there's no sex happening, but she's still living with this person who doesn't seem to think that that was an issue. I can see where that trauma. It's just continuing kind of the trauma. I mean, it's not been dealt with. And so I do think that counseling, Christian counseling is key here. I think you've got to work through these things. I can see why she's a little scared maybe, to have sex. She hasn't said she's afraid, but kind of reluctant. I guess maybe is a better word, because she's like, I don't even know what that looks like. I don't even know what that looks like. To enjoy sex and not feel like it's being forced on me. And maybe being afraid if she, you know, gave herself to him and maybe enjoyed it and sex was a good thing, and all of a sudden he flipped the switch and became more forceful again. Maybe she's afraid that that would happen. Because here's the thing. We live in a culture where this. This kind of rough sex, and maybe some people call it role play, where it's rough and there's someone who is a submissive, and there's, you know, people kind of playing these roles and hurting each other. You know, this is perpetuated on TV and in books or aggression because it's so aggressive, right?

Where. Where one person might be thinking and again, not knowing exactly what happened in the situation. I'm gonna take her at her word that this was. Was criminal and wrong in every way. Right?

Absolutely.

His. His mindset might have been this twisted mindset of thinking like, well, this is. This is what I see that, you know, women seem to like in these fictional situations or maybe even perpetuated by. By pornography, which is why we talk about the dangers of porn as much as we do. Yeah. Where you two have perhaps just been on very different pages and you need to just come back to communicating about this very honestly. But if you've been clear and he is just defiant and like, he somehow had a right to completely use and abuse you in that way and is unrepentant for that, I'm not sure that's something that you can move past in terms of building trust in the future.

Or intimacy.

Or intimacy. And in that case, it's. And we almost never tell couples, you know, get divorced, but this would be one of those situations where if. If your husband raped you and he knowingly did, which she believes that she did.

She is saying that he did. So we are trusting what she says.

And so you've shared that with him. He does not deny that and, in fact, is kind of unrepentant about it because of whatever broken mindset he had that's leading him to justify such a heinous act, and he's living in that lack of repentance, then that is an ongoing act of infidelity in itself. A broken trust, a breaking of those vows that you would be free. In my mind, you know, in my.

Mind, when you look at the Bible.

And what right to go your separate ways.

Yeah. Which we don't want that to happen.

But if. If this marriage is going to survive, there has to be complete honesty. There has to be complete repentance from him. Yes, there has to be.

And he needs to seek help.

He needs to seek help.

I mean, maybe there's some. Something that he has not dealt with that causes him to think this is okay. And then. You know, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

No, no, I'm glad because I was just kind of rambling this. Like this one.

This is one of our hardest questions.

This is one of the hardest ones. Yeah. And I'm gonna go back and probably second guess everything I said because I just never, ever want to say anything that's going to make. Make it sound like I would ever want to enable someone to be an abuser or feel forced to stay in an abusive situation. But.

Or encourage anybody to divorce.

Yeah. Or to encourage anyone to divorce.

The truth is, guys, there are certain grounds for divorce, but we see it. You know, one of our callings is to encourage People to not give up. Because the majority of people who are considering divorce, there's not been situations of abuse, there's not been situations of infidelity. And you know, now in those situations where that's happen and it's clearly a different path here. But I think with this, you can.

Fix a marriage even if you have. There has been infidelity.

Oh, absolutely. We've seen God turn it around.

It has long term wounds for sure, but it's possible.

It is. And so there's a lot we don't know in this question. But the bottom line is I clearly think there needs to be remorse, there needs to be forgiveness, there needs to be healing that needs to take place, which I think they need to seek out a professional in this case. Absolutely. I think, you know, both of you have to be very clear on what happened and how you both perceived it. Just to give you both understanding. It's not saying it did or did not happen. It's not saying one was wrong, one was right. You know, clearly feeling like your spouse has raped you is absolutely a terrible place to be and a terrible burden to carry. And so your husband needs to know, you know, clearly about this and to repent and to get help himself. And as far as answering kind of the first question about how can I overcome this, you know, how can I for the sake of my marriage? So clearly this woman wants to save her marriage. She feels, at this point, it seems like she feels safe enough and wants to, you know, safe enough is probably the wrong word. That's not even a proper thing. But she feels like he's not a danger to her from what she's saying to us. And so she wants to make it work. And I would say this is gonna take time because it sounds like this hasn't been dealt with for a long time. You know, this has been a decade long marriage. And so it's going to take taking off those layers little by little with counseling, with Christian counseling, in order to get to the root of kind of what got you here. And when it comes to intimacy too, it sounds like you've not been having sex for the longest time. And so it's not like all of a sudden you're going to flip a switch and have sex and feel like everything's, you know, roses and champagne. It's not going to be that way. It's going to take time. And a counselor, especially one who is experienced in sexual trauma, you know, there are people out there who are Christian counselors who their whole kind of calling in Their life is sexual trauma. I would say really try to find one of those. You know, our marriage coaches could be a great help to you, but I also think, individually, this would be very key to helping you, because that's a different kind of trauma, and there's a lot of different things to unpack there. And so I would just encourage you to seek that out, both of you, and. And. And then little by little, start moving forward and knowing that it's going to be baby steps. It's going to be baby steps, and it's going to take a lot of. A lot of patience, a lot of forgiveness, a lot of honesty. And, you know, this whole podcast is about being vulnerable and honest. And so I would just say, you know, be completely honest with your husband about how much this hurt you and how you have the desire to work through this, but that it's going to take time.

That's so good. And to close out. I'm going to do something that we don't do often, but I just want to say a prayer for this lady and then really for all those who, whether in marriage or before marriage or at any point, have lived with the scars of sexual abuse, because I feel like those are the deepest scars perhaps a human being can carry, are those scars. And you did nothing to deserve that. You did nothing to justify those horrible acts that were done against you. You did nothing to invite that. And yet there's shame that victims carry through no fault of their own, and baggage that they carry and pain that they carry, and Jesus just wants to set you free from that, not just for the sake of the marriage that you're in, but for the sake of your own heart and soul and living in the freedom that he wants to bring. So just wherever you are, feel free to join us in prayer. If you're driving your car, please don't close your eyes. Don't want you being with Jesus today, but just receive this prayer or join with us in praying for the people in your own life, people you might not even know have dealt with this, who are carrying these deep wounds. Absolutely. Father, we come to you right now, and I lift up this woman who wrote this question, and I just. I sense her heart ache. And, Lord, these wounds are too deep. They're too deep to be answered just with any kind of human wisdom. Lord, this is the kind of pain that, Lord, I believe only you can really fully bring healing to. And I pray that you would do that, that you would work in her heart, work in her home, and bring freedom where there's been only pain. I bring renewal, Lord, where there's been only hurt. And we pray not only for her and for her marriage and home, but like for the millions and millions and many who've written to us who have faced the scars of past sexual abuse, very often at the hands of the very people that should have loved them the most. The very people who should have been protecting them were often the perpetrators. And that carries with it so much pain and confusion, Lord. And I just pray that they would find healing and hope in you, that they would allow this pain to push them closer to you, Lord. Instead of being skeptical of you, they would invite you in to carry them through the pain they're feeling. The Bible says you're close to the brokenhearted. You rescues those who are crushed in spirit. I just pray you'd be near to not only this woman, but to all of the men and women out there who have experienced sexual abuse. Set them free, Lord. Put them on a path to healing. I know that will often include counseling. That will take time. But even now, as they hear these words, let their load feel lighter. Let their heart start to feel freer. Because, Lord, they know that you're with them, that you see the pain they're in and that you care deeply. And we thank you, God, that you're a God who cares. We thank you, Jesus, that you're a savior who wept. The Bible says that you're not distanced from our pain, God. You experience pain yourself and you know what we're feeling. And we can trust you with our pain. So, Lord, help these folks. Thank you for loving us. Thank you that you're bigger than all the pain will carry. And thank you, Lord, that one beautiful day in eternity, you'll wipe away every tear from our eyes and make us whole once and for all. But in the meantime, in this broken world, while we carry these hurts, Lord, just carry us. Carry us through it. In Jesus name, Amen.

Amen.

Guys, thank you for the questions. Thank you for listening and watching. Thank you for subscribing and leaving reviews. It helps other people discover the important topics we try to address here. God bless you. We'll see you next time.

Bye, guys.