Summer Quickies: Masturbation in Marriage

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Welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our summer Quickie Q and A series. I am so excited about today's question. It is, it's pretty racy. So if you have kids in the car, this might be one just for mom and dad. Or if you have older kids, maybe they need to hear it. I don't know. I mean I think they definitely could look at it.

Some good conversations just giving that warning.

But before we dive in, I want to brag on my husband really quick. Some of you may heard on this podcast that he has a new Proverbs devotional out called Think Like Jesus. Well just recently he actually launched a young adult version of this. And you guys, it is so good. And so I wanted to share a review of what people are saying about this and this review is from DG and they gave it 5 stars and the title is Life Changing. And this person said this book was an absolute godsend for our family. We used it as a daily devotional as a way to stay grounded in God's Word. The author takes scripture and applies it to our daily lives. It's been such a blessing to my husband and I in particular as we use each lesson to reflect on areas of growth in our personal lives and in our marriage. We love the book so much we're buying it as a gift for our loved ones. So thank you for the gift that keeps on giving. And I just love that.

Well, and that means so much because the proverbs, like I've read from the Proverbs pretty much every day in some capacity since I was a teenager. And it has changed my worldview in a positive way more than perhaps any other, any other thing. And of course reading all of God's word has done that. But the Proverbs in particular, just so practical for health, relationships, finances, work for just kind of all of it.

It is.

And so this little 31 day devotional, I was honored to get to do it and and now to have the teenager and young adult version out be a great way to give that as a gift to somebody going off to college or going back to college this year. I just hope it encourages people. So thanks for the positive feedback. You can get that on Amazon or@xomarriage.com even though it's not a marriage book per se, It'll help in all parts of life. But you can get it@xomarriage.com or Amazon. But this episode isn't just a commercial for that. We're going to talk about your questions and we've. I'm kind of stalling because I'm just nervous, I think is what it is because we're talking about masturbation.

Masturbation.

So you could say this is a hands on episode.

Oh, wow.

I know. Dad jokes coming all day.

Dad jokes, wow.

You know, we've had a lot of. It's so, so cheesy.

Our producers are like, Dave.

Oh my goodness.

Hey, you have to have a little middle school humor when talking about masturbation. You do, Seriously. It loosens it up.

It is a touchy subject.

Oh my goodness.

I mean, is this gonna happen the whole episode? Just be ready.

We're here all day, folks.

Just be ready. Yes. We've had a lot of questions about this recently and instead of just reading one question, almost every one of these episodes has been reading, talking about the one question. But we've had so many different scenarios related to masturbation come in that I'm just gonna give you kind of some of the highlights from some of those questions and we're gonna kind of talk about it. So we've had one like when your wife is pregnant, recovering from pregnancy and you can't have intercourse as much, husbands wanna know, is it okay if I masturbate? To kind of where she can't do it for a period of time to just kind of like for maintenance, basically, you know, is that okay, what about if one spouse is masturbating without telling the other spouse and then feeling guilty about it? That's another one. Like a lot of questions about this. Like I'm doing this and it's, you know, I'm having this gratification, this sexual experience solo and not telling my spouse they're not involved. And then another one is, let's see, one spouse masturbating, the other spouse feeling hurt that they are doing that even when they give them sex. It's like, why are you still doing that when.

Why do you need that?

I'm making myself available to you. So why do you feel like you need to do that. And then maybe a fourth scenario are couples that are separated from distance, work deployment, that say, like, is it okay to masturbate with each other over the phone or with kind of thinking about each other or with kind of homemade porn, even from each other. Because we can't do anything else with this distance between us. So there are a lot of nuances to this. And to start the conversation, I'll just say that a lot of the masturbation that's happening in our culture is really. I'm not saying that this is everybody's situation, but a lot of it is kind of fueled by pornography. So anything that's fueled by porn is automatically wrong. And I'm not saying this in like a preachy, judgy way. I was caught in this cycle from like my teenage years into young adulthood where I would get caught up in pornography. And then even when I would break free from it for periods of time, like as a late teenager, young adult, I still was in this cycle of self gratification that was being fueled by these images that had been put in my mind through pornography. So even though you're not watching it in real time, if you're acting out on that because of kind of porn fueled fantasies, then that's clearly out of bounds. We have so much content about why this is so dangerous. I've lived it, I've seen that it hurt my own life. It hurt our marriage in those early years when I fell back into this cycle. So that I would say is out of bounds. Like if you're looking, if you're getting fueled up by porn or whatever else, and you're having this fantasy that does not include your spouse, and you're acting out that fantasy through self gratification, that's out of bounds. Now where it gets a little more nuanced is when it's the situations like this. Like, am I allowed to. Am I allowed to have this experience at all? Like, is there ever a time where I can. Is this just a freedom that I have? Is this something that we. I've just been kind of rambling right now, thinking of my next dad joke. So why don't you dive in? Because I'm dying to hear what you have to say, my love.

Well, I want to say first of all, I think that a lot of times people assume that masturbation and really traditionally kind of in the past, they would assume it's just men masturbating. And that's what you hear, like, oh, it's a male problem. But Let me tell you guys, more and more we hear from women who really struggle with masturbation. And I really believe that a lot of times it's the same reason that men struggle with masturbation is because maybe their sexual needs, like, they maybe have a higher libido and it's not being met. Or maybe they're watching porn. I mean, women struggle with porn, too.

And we're in the vibrator generation now.

Exactly. That's what I was gonna talk about. So, like, there's such a push not only through pornography, but also through Cosmo, through Freeform, you guys. Like, through shows on Freeform, which is, like, supposed to be a family channel. I'm telling you, you'll watch these, like, little programs, which I've stopped watching because I'm like. I just feel like it's telling a narrative that I don't want my kids to think, you know, is healthy. But there is this assumption through a lot of these successful women that if you're not, you know, masturbating with a vibrator, then you're missing out. And there was actually an article, and this was a few years ago in. I think it was Cosmo or something related to Cosmo. I can't remember the source, but it was talking about how there's a lot of young women getting used to using a vibrator. And when they actually, you know, get married and are having intercourse, they're unable to orgasm because they're so used to the stimulation that a vibrator provides that a man can't possibly. Because evidently they make these vibrators, you know, not. It's not like. Like an actual male. Male genitalia. And so it's not something that would mimic sex. It's actually going deeper and stimulating the female more. And so you have desensitized and desensitized.

Being able to enjoy formal intercourse.

And we hear from people like this and we've heard, you know, and there are. I guess there's certain situations where maybe, you know, a husband, for whatever reason, you know, can't stimulate his wife in that way. And I guess as a couple, they're using that. And so we're not shaming anybody here at all. But we are saying when you are using something, whether. Whether it's. It's just gratifying yourself using something like a vibrator to. To gratify yourself and you're thinking about porn and you're just caught up in this world where it's just all about you satisfying your sexual needs. That that is where this is a major issue, because you lose the desire to connect with your spouse. Sex is meant to connect you and your spouse. It's meant to bring you closer together physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And so when we look to masturbation to fulfill those needs, we're desensitizing ourselves not only physically to not desire it, but also emotionally, spiritually, mentally. And that's why we hear from so many of you saying, I wanna stop this. Like, I mean, I remember fairly recently, we received several messages from different women saying, I don't like. Like the thing that you mentioned, Dave. I don't like that I do this. I don't like that I want to do this. But I am caught in this. This habit of wanting to masturbate and then feeling really frustrated because my body has gotten accustomed to the satisfaction that masturbation brings me and I'm having a hard time stopping. And so in those situations, what I would tell you, just like any addiction, and I'll use the word addiction, I believe you can be addicted to masturbation, absolutely is. You have to get clean, so to speak. And you have to stop it and fight those feelings. Just like somebody, a junkie coming off, you know, getting used to taking drugs or an alcoholic being used to drinking alcohol regularly. We have to get sober, you know, we have to stop and really allow the Lord to get us healthy again. I mean, that's really essentially what it is.

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Yeah. And don't live in shame. That's why we're talking about this, the shame cycle. Shame is from the enemy. Shame is not God's deal. Now conviction is something the Holy Spirit can bring. Conviction is like when you touch a hot stove and it hurts. That's your body's way of saying, hey, this isn't good for you. Get away from that. Conviction is God's way of doing that kind of on a soul emotional level of saying, like, oh, well, that sting.

I'm feeling, this isn't good for you.

Is from God on my conscience saying that this isn't good for you. It might feel good in a moment, but it's not good for you long term. And so we need to pull away from that because that addictive behavior is gonna desensitize you in a lot of ways and it's gonna put a gap between you and your spouse. And now before we kind of land the plane on this though, what about those situations, those scenarios where it's not this, this kind of like lifelong cycle, you know, but it's, it's the guy that can't have sex with his wife for, for several months because she's just had a baby or there's a sep. You know, they're physically living in different places. You know, I'm not going to jump in and referee and say like, it's, it's right or wrong. I think if you're thinking, if you're focusing your thoughts on your spouse and you're open and you're honest about what's going on and you're not doing this in secret, I think that that could definitely be a freedom that we have in those kind of situations. I don't see anything in scripture that directly forbids or condemns, you know, that as long as it's not fueled by lust from somebody else and you're being completely honest. Anytime there are secrets in marriage, then that secrecy by itself is out of bounds. But the goal is always connecting with one another and sharing that sexual experience together. It was never meant to be just a solo act. God didn't create sex to be a solo act. And so it's. Is it okay or not okay? I'm not the one to referee that. But it's not the best, it's not ideal because God wants all of our sexual experience really to be tied together, shared with one another, even if it's something your spouse is doing for you. I think that's, you know, that could be great because you're sharing in that together. If you can't have intercourse, if there are other things that you can do to kind of stay connected sexually and just get the pleasure and even the release of the connection and the connection and all of that. But then also to be able to serve each other in different seasons and say, you know, you can't right now for whatever reason. And so I think there's something that can bring a couple closer together through the longing and the waiting of saying, like, I'm going to walk through this season where we can't connect in that way. And it's like almost like a period of fasting that, you know, fasting can bring us closer to the Lord. And we're fasting right now from sexual activity, which ultimately is going to bring us closer together when we're able to do that again. So I don't. I'm not going to say that it's. It's wrong to masturbate thinking about your spouse when you're being honest. Honest with them. But I don't. I don't feel like it's the best thing.

It's not the go to.

It's not the go to. Right, Right.

Yeah, I think you said it well. And it really all is about, what are you thinking about? And I think this is, like, with anything. I mean, even if it's not masturbation, if you're constantly, like, even when you're having intercourse with your spouse, if you're, like, lost in some porn fantasy that you've seen, that's a problem. We want to be, you know, have the right mindset, because that's really what. What God created sex for is for our mind, body and soul to experience this amazing connection with our spouse. And so, you know, again, it's not even just masturbation. I think a lot of it has to do with what are you thinking about. And also just whatever scenario, not just looking at sex is fulfilling my own sexual needs, you know, it's about serving.

Each other so good. You are as wise as you are beautiful. And. All right, guys, we're going to land the plane there because, I don't know, I'm out of dad jokes about it.

I know.

And really, if I kept going, they would just get naughtier and worse. And nobody wants that. Nobody needs that. So listen, thank you guys for these questions. Thank you for just. Thank you for being part of these conversations. I know that maybe you grew up in settings where conversations like this just weren't allowed in your home or in your church. And we are just trying to be a safe place to cut through all that baggage and say, let's really talk about this stuff.

Yes.

You know, not that we claim to have all the answers, but we want to be part of the conversation with you. And thank you for trusting us with just being part of the conversation. And you can find more resources about not only sex, but all different aspects of marriage on our ministry's website, which is xomarriage.com you can connect with us and ask personal questions. On social media, we're Ave and ashleywillis on Instagram, you can just search the word marriage on Facebook and find us. And then also nakedmarriagepodcast.com where you can submit questions that might be answered here on the air.

That's right. Thank you guys so much and we'll see you next time.