Summer Quickies: Miles Apart in Marriage

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QualityOffer terms and conditions apply. Get hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we Undress the Truth About Sex, Intimacy and Lifelong Love. And we are continuing in our summer Quickie Q and A series. And we've got an awesome question for you all today, especially for those of you who are in the military or who work, you know, long distance jobs and you're away from your spouse for any length of time. So I'm really excited to dive into this one. But before we do, I want to talk a little bit more about Dave's Think Like Jesus book. Again, it is just an amazing book, a devotional about the Proverbs and I think this is a great time to talk about it because many of you who are either listening or who have kids who are college age are going back to school and this is a great book that is for that time in your life. You know, you actually just released a young adult version and it's so good because we need wisdom. My goodness, we all need wisdom in every season of life. But I can't think of a better time than when you are on the brink of starting those careers of learning all those things in college. You know, we make a lot of life altering decisions and so what better time to read the Proverbs than that? So I want to share a quick review and then Dave, if you want to say anything else about it, please do so. This review is from an Amazon customer. They gave it five stars and they entitled the review Change youe Life with this Book. And they say easy to read and was able to start applying what I read into practice right away. And honestly my favorite kind of books are those that I can literally take something that I learned and apply it to my life right away. And so I just love that sweetie.

Thank you. That means a lot and I tried to write it that way because the Proverbs are meant to be Applied right away to your life. So these quick daily readings, a couple minutes a day, reading through this, think like Jesus devotional, either the adult version or the young adult, which is also kind of a teenager. Young adult version, I think could really make a difference. So check that out on Amazon. You can also get it@xomarriage.com. even though it's not a marriage specific book, we do have it available there, and I hope that it encourages you. We're having so much fun with these summer quickies. You guys have sent in some great questions, and we're focusing on one of your questions every episode. And today's question comes from a military couple. And thank you for your service.

Yes, thank you.

And the question says this. How do I stay connected to my husband while he's deployed? Having issues with trust, finances, and the feeling that we're falling out of love? He's around other men that don't honor their wives, and it's hard to see him in that environment while I feel alone in our marriage. What can I do? And deployment, I think, can be one of the most difficult aspects of marriage. And it can be. You have to be so intentional. We live in a military community right now. Like, there's a fort, a large fort right nearby. Many of our closest friends, even, you know, one of the couples in our small group is a military family who's. Who's had a deployment. The nanny. Yeah, our nanny, who helps, like, when we travel for work to do these exo conferences. Her husband is on a deployment right now. As a doctor in the army, we just have such a heart for couples who are servants. Because it's really, it's not just the one service member who's serving the couple. It's the whole family that is feeling that sacrifice.

And.

And so our hearts and our prayers are with all of you who are in those kind of situations. And we've seen firsthand the strain this can put on a marriage and all these dynamics that you're describing. Every couple that has to experience not only deployment, but even times when work is putting you at different places. We've done a great episode fairly recently on a commuter marriage with Elaine and Abe Romero that you guys can look up. And they had some wonderful insights to help with. And so as a next step in the conversation, I would point you there. But today we wanna do our best to answer this question.

That's right. First of all, I just, my heart goes out to this wife because again, so many of our close friends, I mean, this is the dynamic, like We've. I will never forget one of my dearest friends. I was. I won't say names just to protect identities here, but we were on a. You know, we. We were. We've always been friends, even before her husband went on deployment. But I remember specifically that he went on a deployment and she was just really struggling. And he was really struggling because a lot of times too, it can mess with you mentally when you go on deployments. And I remember in particular her husband started experiencing anxiety for the first time in his life. So not only is he far away from her, but he's having anxiety attacks. And I remember it was just weighing on her and he couldn't come home, clearly. And it was just hard in the military too. There's really a stigma for a lot of these people on having any kind of anxiety or depression because then there's a protocol that they don't necessarily want to go through. And so they want to keep their jobs and their rank and all that kind of stuff. And I remember all of this pressure this couple was feeling. And my friend, she was like, can you just go on some walks with me so I can process this? And I was like, well, absolutely. I mean, well, we're not military, but how we can help serve you and thank you is to just be there for whatever you need. Bring a meal, be a phone call away, go on a walk. And I remember we walked quite a bit during that time. I think he was deployed for like six months. And I tried to just be a listening ear mostly and just process it, but I just remember all the things that she would share with me, just how hard it is. I mean, and I told Dave, I said, I am such a wimp. Like, the most you've been away from me is going to Israel for 10 days. And I really thought, gosh, when is Dave gonna get home? And then here's my friends with six months of this. And not only that, a lot of times their spouse is in a place that's dangerous. And so then there's the fear of danger. And so I kind of have a little bit of an understanding of what the pressure that is around this. And so I think here, you know, with this particular question, this lady said there's trust issues, financial issues, which man finances. I mean, that adds a whole other layer, you know, for sure. And then feeling they're falling out of love. I think what needs to happen here and what we've seen work in our friends lives is making sure there is a regular check in times like, for example, our Nanny Kara, shout out to Kara and Matt. They're amazing. They're amazing.

We love you, Gu.

We love you guys so much. I know that one thing they have done is she said, like they're on completely different time schedules. I won't share where he is. Just out of. I think you're not supposed to do that. But he's across the world. Okay, we'll just say that. And so the timing is completely off. Like they're operating in different clocks, so to speak. And so they found a time where they would both be awake enough to have a good conversation. And they did that daily. And not only that, I think if they couldn't do FaceTime, they would just be on the phone. But I think they tried to do FaceTime. So they're literally seeing each other.

It's the very end of the day for her.

Exactly.

It's the very start of the day for him.

And she said it helps so much. And she said they both committed to never missing that if at all possible, that they would never miss that. And they made it a priority. And I'm thinking here for this lady who wrote in, I have a feeling that's probably not happening because that's a way to build trust, is when you can unpack the day. And I remember her saying in this question, she said he's not basically in an environment where the people around him respect their spouses. So I hear her saying, like, maybe they don't have boundaries in place. Maybe there's flirtation going on or they're not talking nicely about their spouse. And so it's hard, you know, to not let that affect you.

From what I've, you know, heard. I think, I think porn use is very rampant over there. And just, you know, that's never good for a marriage. Even when that's around. Even when you're just in a. You're not trying to protect yourself, but you're in an environment where that's everywhere and you have to really safeguard your eyes and your thoughts with that. And then with the distance, you know, I think your mind goes to the scariest places. You're imagining these worst case scenarios and thinking like, is my spouse? You know, are they being tempted? Are they making the wrong choices? And so it all comes back to communication. And I know that can be more difficult depending on, you know, the situation, that they might not have access to call you every day, but when that's possible, to really make consistent communication and reassurance and praying together and even doing things like listening to the naked Marriage podcast. You know, we've heard from folks that, you know, they'll each listen to an episode every week and then they'll find a time to connect, just to talk about what they learned. And it sparks conversation. And they're both doing something, listening to the same content. And it doesn't have to be our podcast, even though we're very grateful when.

It is, but they're find something you both love.

Find something, you know, listening to a sermon together, watching something or listening to something specifically to grow your faith and sharing in that experience, even from a distance, and then talking about it. This is what I learned or I thought about you in this moment when they said this. And when we get back, I want to try this, you know, this new thing that they talked about, right. That can help you guys because it's keeping you connected in the present and then it's also helping you focus on shared dreams for the future.

Right?

And that shared dream, those shared goals, those moments of connection can do so much even when there's physical distance between you to keep your hearts tethered together. Steamer here, give me the dirt.

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Wow.

Absolutely. And I know here, you know, financial pressure is part of this. And I would say getting on a plan, I mean, just having a plan is one way to release, to relieve that pressure. And you know, we've talked about this before, there's whole podcasts on this. But one thing I would recommend is maybe getting that app that's called Every Dollar. It's by Dave Ramsey and his team. And that is something you can do no matter where you are in the world. And that way you both see what's coming in and what's going out and you don't have to point fingers. It's just an open book.

So.

So you're seeing it and it holds you both accountable because you know you're gonna have to put that in the app. That's One way to kind of be on the same page with it because financial pressure happens. It really has nothing to do with how little or how, how much you have. It has everything to do with being on the same page. And we've been there. Like we know, oh gosh, how this can mess with you as a married couple.

We've been so broke.

We have, well, and also we, we've, we've had a little. And then not known how to manage it properly. So it's, you know, it can affect you no matter how much money's in the bank. It really is about communication. It's a communication issue. It's about trusting each other with the finances and being totally open about what really is coming in and going out. And so I think that would be a good way to help her there. But this feeling like they're falling out of love. I think it's just important to share things like shared experiences. I know Dave talked about things that will grow your faith, but also simple things like laughing together. I mean, find a show like for us, if you were gone for any length of time, I would definitely like let's, let's watch some of the Office together and laugh together or let's watch one of our, some of our favorite funny movies together so we can share in that laughter and then joke about it later. Like those are things that blow off steam, that make us feel connected. You know, I think sometimes you have to be creative too. I mean, it's, it really. Again, I want to encourage you to go to commuter marriage on Instagram. They have great ideas about long distance dates, you know, and being creative that way. I know it's. If they're in a war torn land, it can be a little hard to be super creative. But you know, because of all the pressure that comes with that. But I think that if you can look forward to it and you have these days, these times when you know you're gonna come together, it gets you through those hard moments and you get excited about it. Cause you need things to look forward to. Not just that date when he or she comes back from the deployment, because that can seem so far away, but have little things to look forward to on the calendar in between. I think that would really help. And also I wanna say this. I've heard from so many couples, not just Matt and Kara, but several other of our friends, where when they come back from a deployment, they have a trip planned right away where they're gonna get away together. And from what I understand exactly, from what I understand about the military, they give you a little time with your family when you come back. And so I would encourage this couple to do that. I know it sounds like finances might be a stress, but go ahead and budget for it, like right now. And it doesn't have to be a grand, expensive trip, but some way to get away together and just spend that time together. Because you've been apart for so long.

Oh, yeah, you need that, man. Those are some great, great tips. You know, like Ashley said, that commuter marriage podcast episode that we did just a few months ago, a great next step. And then connecting with that couple on Instagram and otherwise with some ongoing great tips for anybody in that dynamic. And I hope this has encouraged you. And if you're not in the military, you know, pray for those who are. If you've got friends who are in this dynamic, look for ways to serve. Look for ways to encourage them and help them. Is there sacrificing so much for the rest of us? And really, we need to do our part to support them.

Absolutely. Care packages, even letters, like, just old school letters like that can be a great way to stay connected. You know, definitely for the spouses, but also just to encourage our military. I know there's all kinds of different, you know, charities and things that try to do this, but just encouraging, not only the one who is deployed, but the family who's waiting, you know, be there for them because they're serving too in their own way. These whole families are serving our nation. And so let's definitely love on them to the best of our ability and show them how much we appreciate them.

So good. Hey, we appreciate the question. We love you guys. Prayers for the safe return for all who are deployed right now and for your marriage as well. Hope this has encouraged you today. For more, you can go to xomarriage.com for resources to help you in every season of marriage in life, and we'll look forward to seeing you next time.