Summer Quickies: Sex after Kids

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing with our sexy summer quickies. And I'm so excited about today's topic.

Yeah, it's really, really a good one. We're gonna talk about how to get better in ways outside the bedroom that are gonna help inside the bedroom. And then specifically, we're gonna talk about how the dynamic changes with sex after having kids. And as time goes by through different. How the whole dynamic of your sex life can change and how you have to constantly adjust to those changes. And it can get better with time is the good news. It can keep getting better with time. So that's the great news. We're gonna dive into that here in just a minute. But first we wanna tell you about this resource.

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Know, I think this topic is an important one for all of us to listen to because I do think that we get in our mind, you know, after we get married, that sex is just kind of. Kind of be the way that it is once we're married. But for all of us who have been married for any length of time, and especially those of us who have children and have aged a little bit, we know that sex changes, right? There's different seasons, our bodies are changing. Even our minds are changing.

Well, and your dynamics are changing. We were reminiscing on a funny story.

He has a huge smile on his face because it's one of his favorites. Oh, my gosh.

So, like, we. When we were young. I think it's great. Can I tell this story?

I mean, hey, we talk about everything.

So we were reminiscing.

I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, mom and dad, that you have to listen to this.

Oh, it's awesome. Turn it up, mom and dad. So when we were early married, we had no children in the house. We had no, you know, no distractions and, you know, so lovemaking could be. It could be loud, right? Which we could be expressive. And there was a time when, like, my dad was coming over for something. I don't even know why, but, like, he was, like, helping us with something. He knocked and, like, we didn't answer. So he, like, walked in and he was in our house, like, and we were like, did we hear something?

We were upstairs.

We were in the heat of the action. And like at the moment of climax, which was a loud and expressive one, my dad is like, right downstairs. And then we realized he's downstairs. Hello.

And it like matched the right.

The yelling, right? So then we come downstairs, come downstairs. And we're like, oh, hey, dad. And I felt awesome. Ashley felt like dying of embarrassment, like crawling a cage. And I've never felt more like, yeah, dad, that's how we do it in this house. So. But then we were reminiscing on the fact that now we have.

Well, he asked me, we're talking about this.

Children at home.

Let me just say this. He said, yeah, I remember that. He goes, why don't you. Why aren't you loud like that anymore? And. And I was like, seriously? I said, two of our boys are teenagers. Our bedroom is on the first level. I'm like. And they're often in our family room, which is within earshot.

They're usually on the other side of the door. And so we've gotten it, you know, like we're trying to win an award for how quiet we can be, which can be hot in its own way. But I'm just like, I'm ready to invest in soundproof walls. Like, get some paneling.

Why aren't we doing. Why aren't you loud anymore?

It got us thinking about how things change over time. Like little subtle things. And you have to make adjustments. Like right now we have a house full of children that don't want to hear their parents experiencing loud orgasms. And so we have to keep that in mind. I can't wait for them all to move out because we're going to be the freaky loud empty nesters one day. I'm already making plans. I'm already making plans. Or maybe a boarding school. Have we looked into this?

Oh, goodness. Sweetie. I was telling Dave I had this friend in high school who would give me play by play about her parents. Cause her parents room was next to her room. And she always knew when they had sex because they were very loud. And then they used a condom and she would hear it flush. And I just remember all the details. And I was like, I don't wanna do that to my kids. It was very, very specific. But I'm saying, like, it burns in their memory. Okay, so you have to just be a little mindful of that, right?

Yeah. Well, you know, I think coming back to the issue at hand, because now my mind's all over the Place.

I know, I know.

You gotta get. If you want a better sex life through the years, whether you have kids or not, you've gotta keep getting better in other areas outside the bedroom. And you've gotta. We've talked a lot about communication in the past, but this is more than just communication. I think you've gotta say, like, all right, we've gotta get on the same page with everything. Getting on the same page with parenting helps you have a better sex life. Getting on the same page with your goals and your finances actually helps you have a better sex life. Any part of your life where you feel like you're not unified and connected like that will manifest itself in the bedroom. And so you've got to make unity your goal in all parts of your marriage if you really want to fully experience unity in the bedroom.

Absolutely. And I think a lot of it comes down to understanding. Like, when we feel like our spouse isn't listening to us or doesn't care to understand us, it doesn't make us want to go have sex. I mean, because it's this culmination. Again, we've talked about this in every episode. Sex is the physical culmination of all the intimacy that is leading up that is outside of the bedroom. And so, you know, if you constantly are fighting or if you feel like you're never listened to or that you've. Your spouse is dismissive towards you, it just doesn't put you in that mood. And so we've gotta be really tuned into that. And I think sometimes, too, especially with those things about not being understood, sometimes we're not even telling our spouse that we don't feel understood. So it really is on us to go to our spouse and say, listen, I am so sorry that I haven't really been in the mood lately, but it's because I just feel like you're not hearing me on this one issue. And, you know, we've shared. We have a whole podcast on getting on the same page when it comes to raising kids. And we went kind of through this like, there was. There were. You know, there was a. When I just felt like Dave wasn't really hearing me on how I felt about disciplining our kids, and that he didn't have the desire to get on the same page as much as to the level that I wanted to get on the same page when it came to this. But when I actually talked to him about it, it wasn't that at all. He really didn't realize where I was in that process.

I didn't realize how frustrated you were or how much of a disconnect there was. And that's why you always have to talk about these things. You can't make assumptions. Assumptions kill marriages. Communication helps marriages.

And once we got on the same page with that, it helped tremendously in every part of our marriage.

Yeah.

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It's so true. I think some people, like, they're in this kind of weird dynamic where they wanna fight so they can have makeup sex, which I think that's an unhealthy way to look at it. Not that you can never have sex on the heels of a big disagreement and kind of channel that passion that was anger now into something else. But in the long run, that's not gonna.

It can't be your M.O.

No, that can't be the M.O. that's kinda messed up. If that's like, that's your go to. It needs to come from a place of peace and unity. And that's the desire. That's what a great sex life is built on. And it also is a place of priority. I think when you're making love, it's this physical and spiritual and emotional act. And part of what you're doing is you're reestablishing that covenant of marriage.

Exactly.

And the place of priority your spouse has. And guys, listen to me on this, especially the whole sex after having kids part. Your marriage has. Has to come before your kids on the priority list. And I know some of you are just like, oh, no. Like, my children come first. And we're this martyr for our children if we think that's what it takes to be a great parent. That is not the way God designed it.

It's not.

And even in practical terms, that doesn't help you or the kids. When a spouse puts their children before the marriage. And a lot of times we'll do this because we feel like I'm better at parenting than I am at being married. And just to put it bluntly, my kids listen to me more than my spouse does or my kid. You know, I feel more connected to my kids than my spouse. We put an undue burden on our kids that creates a co dependent relationship with them that's either gonna make them run off and never wanna be around you when they grow up, or even worse, it's gonna perpetuate that codependent relationship into adulthood where you guys are like surrogate spouses to each other. Your kid can never have a healthy marriage because they think that it's this weird parent child dynamic has to come first and your marriage is going to be terrible. God designed it. Our relationship with him is first, marriage is second. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife, the two will become one, Children come after that, and then everything and everyone else. The more you love your spouse, the more capacity you will have to truly love your children in a healthy way. But your spouse has got to be that place of priority. Your kids are going to leave, your kids are a temporary assignment. Your marriage is for life.

It's so true. And really, the more we prioritize our marriage, the better it is for our children. It's good for them to see that we make our marriage a priority, that we love each other, that we want to spend time together. And I think it's good too, just to develop better children and better adults later on, is that they understand they're not the center of the universe because that doesn't do anybody any good. And it really sets them up for huge disappointments when they get out into the real world. So there's a lot of layers to this. But we want to make sure we make that clear, that marriage is a huge priority. And marriage does come before the children. You know, we wanted to shift the conversation just a little bit and talk about how as we age, that our sex life can actually get better. I think sometimes we think it's not going to because maybe our desire for sex is going to change or our bodies are changing in a way where we're not wanting to do it as much, or we feel maybe insecure because we're gaining more weight, or we're, you know, our bodies have just changed.

But.

But that's really not the truth because really, sex is about so much more than just how we look physically. It's about, again, that intimate bond that we have with one another. And just think about it. You know, Dave and I just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. And when I look back and I just think about what God has done through our relationship and, like, the rich relationship and bond that I feel with Dave through all the highs and lows, it makes sex and intimacy in all of it so much better. Because there's this history that I have with one person that I've devoted my heart and my life to, and I love it like it. And it doesn't mean it's been easy the whole time or that every day we're just peachy keen, Jelly bean. It just means that we're really committed to each other, and it's awesome.

I just had a flashback to this old guy that I used to work with at a pizza place when I was a teenager. And he had, you know, apparently, like, a great marriage and a great sex life. And people would say, like, hey, how are you? Your marriage so good. Like, after all these years. And he'd point to his gray hair, and he'd say, there's snow on the roof. And then he'd wink and say, but there's fire in the furnace.

Oh, my gosh.

It's more information than I wanted. That dude's a happy dude. He's a happy dude. All right. So I think, hey, to leave you with that, guys, there might be snow on the roof and you get those gray hairs and there's life experience coming your way, but you can keep the fire in the furnace in more ways than one if you keep prioritizing your marriage, so. Exactly.

Yes. It's all about priority and just making it, you know, being intentional to keep on having sex to making it a priority. And again, you know, realizing that the frequency may look a little different. That's okay. You know, maybe you have to even try some new positions because you have arthritis in your knees. That's okay. Like, it doesn't matter. We even have friends where, you know, one of them has MS, and they are. I think they're in their 50s now, and we had lunch with them not too long ago, and they are like teenagers, and. And we were asking them about this. Cause it's a practical thing, and they try to help marriages as well. And they kind of giggled, and they were like, listen, you have to be creative, but creativity is awesome. And we find ways to be creative, and we have an awesome.

Don't lose your sense of humor with it.

That's important too.

Don't laugh at each other but be able to laugh together and to enjoy it and to have fun.

Exactly.

Just have fun. And through the years you can keep having more and more fun as your friendship grows closer and and your sex life can get better with time. Like Ashley said, it might look different than it did. You might have to make some adjustments but it can keep getting better. And if your sex life is suffering, then do an assessment not just of the sex life itself but in all parts of your marriage because sex life is usually a manifestation of what's happening in other parts of the marriage. And so it might be an opportunity to look outside the bedroom to find out what are the factors that are really making an impact inside bedroom.

That's right. Thank you all so much for listening. We hope that you join us next time on another sexy summer quickie. We will see you then.

Bye guys.