Summer Quickies: Sex as a Reward or Punishment

Welcome back to our sexy Summer Quickies on the Naked Marriage Podcast. On this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. We're excited that you're joining us. And in this summer Quickie series, we are taking 12 weeks through the summer and we're answering your 12 biggest questions about sex. Kind of covering the 12 most important topics related to sex and having a lot of fun doing it. In these shorter podcast episodes, you can listen quickly and then get right down to action by putting into practice what you've learned with the remaining time you would have been listening. You've now got that extra time to be in the bedroom together. So we hope that you're enjoying these.

That's right. And today we have a big topic and that is not using sex as leverage. But before we dive in, here is a message about a great new resource. The Burlington Coat Event is back. Buy a coat now through November 29th and get $5 off your merchandise purchase of $25 or more from December 6th through December 24th. Plus, Burlington is donating 50,000 new coats to help those in need nationwide. Through our partnership with Delivering Good, we've been keeping you warm for over 50 years. We'll see you at our coat event, Burlington Deals brands.

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We get questions about this sometimes on social media or at live events of couples who feel like their sex life has fallen into this dynamic where sex has become either a reward system or a punishment system. Like, what I mean by punishment is like, I'm mad at you, so I'm taking sex off the table, you're grounded, you're in timeout and I'm taking this away from you or you did a good job on that thing and that's the only time I can ever give you sex. And when we get to that place where sex becomes leverage, like I'm gonna use it or withhold it to get what I want. And if you're treating your spouse like a child in this strange merit based sex system and you're really reducing sex itself to this transactional model where, which to kind of put it crudely, is really a form of prostitution, when it's like, you know, it's transactional, you do this to get sex. You don't do this, you don't get sex. Instead of it being this gift, this mutually enjoyed, beautiful gift freely shared with one another, the way God intended in marriage. But when you fall into that sex is leveraged dynamic, sometimes it can be hard to recognize that's where you are and hard to pull out of that.

It's so true. And really, it's. It's not driven by love and that. That's where it goes way off base. Because sex has got to be rooted in love and commitment. And. And when we're, you know, having this transactional leverage system, it's just wrong. And it. And it brings out the worst in us. And, you know, I think sometimes people are like, well, I just, you know, they maybe tease, like, oh, your reward, sex. That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about how most of the time, sex seems to be a reward or a punishment. And, you know, it could be something like this. And sometimes we'll receive messages from wives who say their husband's disgruntled because they don't feel like they're keeping the house as clean as they would like it. And we've actually. We've talked to people where this is literally the dynamic. And they're like, you know, he's like, you know, I'm just not pleased with this. Like, you're not reaching that standard I have. So we're just not gonna have sex. Like, and this wife feels undesired. This wife feels unloved, and it becomes this very cold place. And so whether or not he realizes it, it's like he's just holding back from her. It's like this act of withholding and not really embracing your spouse and just trying to make them feel punished. Like, I'm not gonna show you that I love you because I'm not happy with you. And that's just toxic. You know, on the flip side of it, it could be something like a wife, like, well, you're not talking to me enough, and so I'm not gonna have sex with you. You know, that's just never okay. I know we've talked a lot on this podcast about how women in general, when it comes to intimacy, it really starts with those conversations, and it's just for men as well, but that's where we feel loved and connected, and that eventually leads to sex. And so, you know, it is a need that we have, maybe even as great as the need that men tend to have. And this is generalities that we're speaking here, so it may be a little bit different for you in your particular dynamic, but, you know, men have this great need for sex. And so, you know, if a guy is, you know, if he's desiring sex and the woman's like, well, you're not meeting My need for conversation, then I'm not gonna give you sex. It's just so nasty. And it doesn't bring peace, and it doesn't perpetuate love. It really just perpetuates resentment. And it's just not how God wants us to love one another and serve one another. Cause it kind of takes serving out of the picture.

And serving is the heart of every healthy marriage. And serving is also the heart of every healthy sex life in marriage. That you're selflessly. How can I serve my spouse's needs? And yes, you have needs, too, and those are important. But would both spouses make it their mission to serve the other's needs? Then all the needs are being met. But when we start withholding that service because we think, well, I'm not gonna give them something they desire. I'm not gonna give them something they need, because they're not giving me something I need in some other area of the marriage. And I want them to know how it feels. And it starts being this scorekeeping mentality. And anytime you fall into a scorekeeping mentality in marriage, you've already lost.

Exactly.

Like, I do this much, he does this much, or she didn't do that, so I'm not doing this. Or she spent this much money, so I'm gonna go spend this much money in whatever part of your marriage she had this much time with her. So I get this much time. Whenever it becomes about scorekeeping instead of about serving one another, we've already lost. Now, this doesn't mean that we can't take an assessment every so often and just look at the dynamic and say, is this sustainable?

Is this working?

Is this working for us? Or is one of us, you know, maybe like, way off balance in what they're expecting? And we need to have those conversations. But it can't be about a scorecard, right? Because the moment we whip out the scorecards, everybody feels attacked and defensive, and everybody loses.

You know, I think there's also dynamics where maybe your spouse won't be as adventurous as you'd like them to be, and so you withhold sex altogether, that is toxic, too. You know, we've talked to couples where maybe one of the, you know, the spouse, for whatever reason, doesn't want to do a certain position or doesn't want to try something because it doesn't make them feel safe. And so the other spouse is like, well, then I don't want to have sex. So until you come around and you want to do this thing that I have on my mind, I Don't want to have sex with you, and that's toxic. And that, you know, we always say that the marriage bed needs to be the safest place on earth. It needs to be a place where both feel understood and safe and loved and respected. And so, you know, when you are using sex as leverage, there is no love and respect in that. And it doesn't feel safe either, because it's unpredictable. Like, you never know, are they gonna reward me today? Are they gonna punish me today?

Yeah. Yeah. And your marriage has got to be safe. Marriage, bed in particular, has to be the safest place on earth for you both. And when you do, when you're there together, it should be a reward in the sense for both of you that it is a reward for your love for each other. Maybe reward isn't the best word, but it's part of the gift that comes but with your love and commitment to one another. And it's a gift that should be shared freely and often. It's not a gift that runs out if you do it too much. It's not a gift that is in finite supply. It's an endless supply, and it's something that you can always enjoy together. And it's gonna recharge your marriage when you do it.

And it's really all about serving. I know we talked on here before about chore play, about those little acts to kind of take things off each other's plate and. But, you know, on the flip side of tour play, if they aren't doing those things, please don't punish them by not having sex. Okay.

Right.

Like, if your husband didn't do the laundry and fold it and put it away, like, don't not have sex because of it. Like, maybe you're annoyed, but that's no license to say, like, well, then we're not making love tonight.

Sorry. You were looking at me very specifically during that example. So I want to commit to folding better and, oh, my goodness, putting away with a happy heart. And sometimes when I'm putting dishes in the dishwasher, I'll try to cling them together so she can hear it. I'm like, I want her. I want the sound of these dishes going in the dishwasher is like an aphrodisiac to her, and it is let her know.

So music to my ears.

I'm just banging forks together. Do you hear this, my love? This is the sound of our foreplay song. So, yeah, you gotta have fun. You have to serve each other. Don't use it as leverage. And if you're in that dynamic, just maybe admit it and kind of apologize. Apologize, give each other a lot of grace to say. I didn't mean for us to fall into this dynamic. But you know, listening to this today was a little bit of a wake up call for me to take an honest self assessment and realize I've kind of done that. I've fallen into that dynamic. And I don't want that to be where we are. I don't want our sex life to be defined by this kind of reward and punishment based transactional system. But instead, I want it to be a gift that we share freely and often, and I want to recommit to that today.

Thank you all so much for listening to yet another sexy summer quickie, and we hope you tune in next time. Bye guys.