Summer Quickies: Sexual Baggage

Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we are so excited to share with you yet another episode that we love to call the Sexy Summer Quickie.

Yeah, these are a lot of fun. It's gonna be a good day. Cause Ashley is bundled up in my coat. Like, I wore a little jacket into the office. Cause you know, the office gets a little chilly. And she's wearing it now, which warms, because seeing you all snuggled up in my jacket, it's just.

It's so funny because we're in Texas and it's like 100 degrees outside, but the office is freezing, so.

Right. We get all extremes here.

We do.

And so, yeah, we're going to dive in. We've got a great topic for you today in the Quickie series about sexual baggage, but talking about it from an angle that maybe we haven't fully tackled in the past. So before we dive in, we want to tell you about an important resource. So check this out.

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Well, I'm excited about this episode because I think it's just so important, and I think it's one that so many couples really shy away from. And it's not because they don't care. I think for many, it's because they don't know how to address it because they're afraid when it comes to baggage. They're afraid that if they bring it up and if they really unpack it, so to speak, that it's just gonna create more and more problems. But the truth is, you know, like we've said many times on this podcast, avoidance doesn't solve anything. And if we're gonna have a naked message, we literally have to undress. Okay. We have to talk about all of it. We have to take, you know, everything and put it out on the table so that we can truly embrace each other and fully know each other.

That's good. You said naked message there, which I like.

You said message.

You did. And I like It. And I wanna keep it in because I think that that could be the next book. The follow up to the Naked Marriage is the Naked Message. And the nake is when you have these conversations like that's.

You heard it here, folks.

Yeah, you heard it here. First naked Message. And it's really about that kind of communication, which, again, the Naked Marriage is really all. It's not just physical, but we say all the time it's about the conversation being emotionally naked, transparent, vulnerable. And as it relates to sexual baggage, kind of the aspect we want to talk about in this quickie is talking to that spouse who doesn't really know what to do with the other spouse's sexual baggage. Right. We've got episodes in the past. One of the earliest episodes we did was actually about kind of what to do with your own sexual baggage. How do you communicate to your spouse about all those things? But we want to talk about. And a lot of the messages we've received lately have been from folks who say stuff like, you know, my spouse has had, like, a really kind of wild sexual past. And I don't know kind of how to get past that. I feel inadequate because I'm thinking he or she is comparing me to all these former lovers. And it's just. It creates a lot of insecurity in me. Or perhaps my spouse was sexually abused in some ways in the past, and I don't know. And now I feel reluctant to fully kind of let myself go in the moment because I don't want her to associate me with her abuser. And for the act of sex itself, which should be safe and sacred and beautiful, to still be tainted in her mind or his mind, I don't know what to do with that. We've got a great episode on that, just a few episodes back about overcoming past sexual abuse. Interviewing our friends Tyler and Alyssa Gordon. If that's part of your story, listen to that episode. It's powerful.

It is.

But coming back to this one, what do you do with your spouse's sexual baggage when it's affecting you and you don't know what to do with it?

Right. I think it all starts with, again, just being totally honest and asking your spouse, you know, because it is. Especially when it comes to things like if there's been sexual abuse or things like that, or even. I mean, even if it is something that they willingly did and they're now ashamed of it and they have this shame that is just surrounding sex, you've got to be willing to ask those questions and say, listen, I Love you. And I want us to have an amazing sex life, which. Which will lead to even a better marriage. But I. I want it. I want it to be something where you feel safe. You know, I don't want to ever do something that. That makes you feel unsafe or that brings back maybe images from your past that puts things in your mind that. That makes you not enjoy sex. So will you talk to me and tell me, you know, how. How I can proceed?

Like, what.

What we can do, what we can't do right now, how I can help you through this? I think if you start there by asking your spouse how they feel, it really opens up the conversation, because then they're more willing maybe to ask you questions too, because again, if you're dealing with maybe a spouse that has a very promiscuous past and you maybe are having trouble having this thought of, like, are they comparing me to their ex lovers? And, you know, am I. Am I meeting the expectations? Then when you start by asking them about their feelings, then they're gonna be more open to hearing about your own feelings. And it just kind of keeps that open line of communication, because I think when it comes to sex, I mean, it's just such a vulnerable thing to talk about. And so it's so easy to feel kind of on the defensive. And we don't want that to happen in marriage. We've gotta have these open and honest and loving conversations. And when you start with asking questions and not accusing and not saying, well, this is what I need, you know, right out of the gate, then you are keeping that open line of communication.

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Yeah, communication, guys. We come back to it all the time. It is the key to a great sex life. It's the key to a great marriage in general. You've got to talk openly and honestly about these things. You've got to get vulnerable about your own feelings, your fears, your insecurities. You have to, when it comes to sex, also talk about what you like, what you want, what you're uncomfortable with.

Exactly.

And let it be a safe place. Not only should the marriage bed be safe and sacred, but all these conversations, your communication has to be safe and sacred with one another to really just talk about it, guys. And I will add to it too. And this is maybe something you've never done or thought to do, but pray about it. Pray together about your sex life.

Oh, yes.

And specifically, if you've got these areas of baggage or haunting memories, whether it's through abuse or just through regret, the regret of, you know, I wish that I hadn't done all these things. And you know, even just this week I saw something that was trending was Justin Bieber was doing like a live Q and A with his wife. And he, in a very vulnerable moment, talked about how he has deep regret for having had sex before marriage and how like it created a lot of baggage that he wishes he could go back and erase. And I just thought that was a, you know, a really vulnerable moment. And I think that, I think a lot of people have those feelings and those regrets that, you know, there are things that I had that I did that I wish I had not done and now, you know, memories that can't be fully erased and a little bit of baggage that I've brought in that I wish I could undo for my sake and for the sake of my spouse. But I think that you and your spouse together, you've got to be very honest and real and vulnerable about those things, about your past, sharing everything. Don't keep secrets from one another. But then pray and in your prayers, remind yourselves what God says. That in Christ we're a new creation. He makes us new guys like he makes us new. We're a new creation. He washes us white as snow. The Bible says he brings purity where we feel like there might have been a lack of purity. He restores all things. He makes all things new. And we need to cling to that and we need to embrace that. And even if sex was somehow used as a weapon against you in the past, that doesn't ruin sex for you for the rest of your life because he makes all things new and that can be redeemed. And, and he wants to help you find healing from those horrible scars that were inflicted upon you so that sex can be reclaimed and enjoyed fully and thoroughly in your marriage. You don't have to feel like second class citizens in the bedroom. You don't have to feel like old, like you're used goods or whatever else. You are made new. And you need to embrace that identity that you have in Christ and embrace it in your bedroom. God wants you to have a thriving sex life and he doesn't want you to settle for anything less, regardless of what your past has been.

It's so true. And if we are going to embrace being new creations, it all starts with our mind. And it starts with renewing our minds. It talks about that in the Word too, and how we have to renew our minds by really committing all thoughts to the Lord and saying, God, help me not to be haunted by my past. Help me to know that you have washed me as white as snow, that you see me as a beautiful masterpiece. And you give us beauty for ashes. Lord, you know, you bring good out of even the mess in our life. And, you know, we need to focus on that. And those of you who have had past relationships, maybe past marriages, just really commit yourself and really reassure your spouse and say, you are my now and forever. Like, I'm not looking back. I'm fully committing myself to the Lord and to you. And I want to make this marriage amazing. I want to make it everything it could be. And don't, you know, we always say this. Just. I want to touch on this real quick. When it comes to baggage, specifically, you have to be willing to answer questions in as much detail as your spouse requests. Because if you don't, then they just feel like you're hiding something from them. And you in your mind might think, well, I'm just saving them from, you know, something I just don't want to put in their mind. But if they're asking, you have to be willing to answer.

And.

And it's really important just to be an open book. And, you know, after you answer, they may not wanna know anymore. Cause maybe they're like, well, that's more than I wanted to know. But just being willing shows that you are fully committed, that you're not holding anything back, that you're willing to get totally naked and really embrace the naked marriage. And so I just encourage you to do that, to not be scared, really be prayed up. I think this is, you know, we keep on coming back to prayer. You know, sex is something. God created sex. So it's definitely something we should be praying about because he wants us as married people to have amazing sex lives. It's meant to bring us closer together. And so definitely be praying about that. And especially when it comes to baggage, keep on praying that God will give you the words. God will give you the courage to talk about it. And even if it does have to do with your spouse's baggage, the courage to ask those questions and to address it head on.

That's so good. And even if maybe your spouse wasn't your first partner, they are your last partner and they are the one you've committed your life now and forever. And so just hold fast to that, to where you are, the commitment you've made to each other, the covenant how God restores and makes all things new and is creating something brand new and beautiful in your marriage and that you don't have to ever, ever let past baggage come in and haunt the good things that God wants to do for both of you.

That's right.

Guys, thanks so much for listening. Thanks for leaving reviews. We read those and they mean a lot to us and that also helps other people discover the podcast. You can also find us on social media. We're Ave and ashleywillis on Instagram. Or just look up the word marriage on Facebook and you can find our marriage page there. And hope you check out all the rest of the the XO podcasts as well. There's so much that can help keep your marriage going strong this summer and beyond. We'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.