Summer Quickies: The Faithless Spouse

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Hey. Welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. On this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we have got just a few more of our summer quickies. We're coming to the end and it's been fun. Like, we've really enjoyed these questions. We've been doing Q and A all summer. You guys have sent in some great, great questions to nakedmarriagepodcast.com and we really, really appreciate it. We've got a great question today. Quick little announcement before we dive in. This fall, we've got some live events coming up. And if you've never been to one of our XO Marriage conferences, they are so much fun. I know just hearing the word like marriage conference, you think that sounds lame. I promise you it is not. We have a ball. These weekends are my favorite weekends of the year.

They are.

There's so much laughter. It's a wonderful time for you and your spouse to reconnect and get away together. And so this fall, in the next few months, we've got one in Florida, we've got one in Texas, and actually two in Texas, Austin and the Dallas area. So we'd love to see you there. Those are also going to be available online, so you can, you can get our conference content@XoNOW.com which is Xo now is our marriage streaming service. If you don't have that, invest in that. You can get a free trial to see all the good stuff that's there. It is one of the best, best ways to continually infuse your marriage with great content. But we'd also love to see you at one of these live events. So go to xomarriage.com and just click on the Events the conferences section. You can get the dates, the times, and make plans to come. You will have a ball. We're talking about a really important question and kind of a heavy question.

It is a heavy question. And this again, you know, we share one of the questions that we get, but it's often because we've received a lot of questions around the subject matter and so it's about spiritual leadership in the home and the burden where, you know, one spouse is a strong Christian and the other isn't and just feeling this disconnect. And so here's the question. This lady says, my husband does not believe in God at all. And I'm a faithful follower of Christ. I have never nagged him or pushed Christianity on him and rarely ask him to go to church with me. This wasn't too much of an issue when we didn't have kids, but now I'm starting to see a battle between us and how we wanna raise them. I'm trying to navigate being the spiritual leader of my home and it feels hopeless. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. It's so heavy.

It is. And it's a heartbreaking scenario. We hear this all the time. So a few thoughts, number one, and certainly not to add any kind of, like, guilt or shame on anybody that's in this dynamic. But for those who are not married, especially, the Bible gives such clear instructions about not entering into this dynamic. Because God, God wants to protect you from the heartbreak of this. And this is always how it's gonna play out when the most important thing in your life, following Christ, and that's the basis of your worldview, isn't shared at all by your spouse. Your lives are moving in two different directions and you can live in the illusion of unity sometimes early on, especially before kids, but then when you're really trying to infuse your children with those same values, you come to this tension and it's heartbreaking. So the Bible says, don't be unequally yoked with the nonbeliever. Meaning, don't marry someone, don't commit your life to someone, don't partner with someone who's not sharing the most important part of your life, which is Jesus. But the Bible also says once you're married and you're in that dynamic, then do everything you can to preserve unity and peace in your marriage through the way you love them, through the way you show your faith to them. Just by serving by your, you know, your own demeanor, by living out your faith in practical ways, praying for them, giving them space, giving them grace. And your example might be the very thing that ultimately draws them to Christ. But in the meantime, you have to know you can't change your spouse, you can't save your spouse. They have to have that change of heart themselves. Only God can save someone. All you can do is love them, pray for them, and ask God to really do a work in them. And Then in the meantime, look for common ground as it relates to your kids. And look for ways for you to be the one to say, well, listen, I'm going to take these kids to church every week. That's just something I'm going to insist on. I'd love for you to join us. I know that right now you're not. You don't share my faith, but this is the most important part of my life. And this is something that I know could help our children have a foundation and just a compass, a true north of truth in a world that is so confused right now. And just share with your kids your experience. Do a little nightly devotional with them before bedtime. Look for little ways to infuse their hearts and minds with faith. And then together as a family, pray that your husband would come around. I know where it gets really difficult is if maybe he's in a combative place where he's just refusing, like, no, you're not going to do that. That's more complicated.

It is. And we're not sure of that dynamic. And again, too, we can't tell from this question, but it could be that they both, when they were married, they were both not Christians. And maybe she came to the faith and then he hasn't quite yet. And I wanna share a story with you. Some of you might be familiar with the book the Case for Christ. It's been around forever. I mean, gosh, probably 30 years it's been around. And it's Lee Strobel. And I remember this book was when I first became a Christian. It was one that I read and I just, I loved it. I was fascinated by it. Just very long story short, he was a reporter who actually went on a quest, I think, to disprove the Bible.

After his wife became a Christian.

After his wife became a Christian, he was mad.

He was mad that she became Christian. He thought she'd been duped and.

Right. That she had lost her mind.

Right.

And then through his quest to prove her wrong and to prove, you know, that the Bible's wrong, he finds Jesus. And he also, you know, finds that, oh, my goodness, these things happened, like the Bible is true, you know, and. And then, not only that, but he had a relationship with Christ and it forever changed his life. And really, there's a whole movie about this too. But I definitely recommend the books. But seeing how his wife was. Loved him in spite of his. And he was begrudgingly, you know, he wasn't on board with her. I mean, he was very much a negative like, you're crazy. Like, you and your church people are crazy. And I'm never gonna be one of those crazy people. And. But she just loved him through it. And she showed him Christ just in her actions. And it's just a fascinating story of what you can do even when your spouse isn't on board with you quite yet. And I know it's super frustrating. I'm not trying to make light of the situation. Cause I know it weighs heavy on this. This precious wife who wrote us. And so here's some things you can do. I think it's great that you've never nagged. I think that. Stay not nagging. I think just loving them where they are is key. I think pointing out God's goodness in your life in the most normal way possible is how we show people Christ. Like, not. Not using. And I don't think this wife is doing this. But in case someone listening might be in the habit of doing this, don't use Christianese, okay? Like, and what I mean by this is, when we've been in church long enough, there's a language we speak that other people who are not Christians have no idea what we're talking about. And it feels like it's a special club they can't be part of. And it also feels very. It doesn't feel genuine. It feels very like churchy McChurchums. And you're just speaking this weird stuff because your church friends say it. And that's not at all where we're usually coming from. We're really just like. We use the word anointed. I love that word. But my next door neighbor, who's not a Christian, is gonna be like, what. What is that? You know? And so we want to speak normally. We want to make it real for them and what God's doing for us, you know, it could be as simple as, like, sweetie, you will not believe what happened today. I had been praying for this person at work who's just always been kind of negative towards me. And I've seen, like, this recent change in them. And I think God's answering my prayers. I mean, as simple as that. You know, prayer's not a church word. People know what prayer is. But just showing God moving in your life or you. You could even say, like, maybe it's something you prayed specifically about your. You know, for your spouse, and they didn't even know it and say, you know, once they tell you the news of something great that happened, you could smile and be like, you know, I prayed. I prayed for you with this. That's so awesome. And not making a huge deal, but just being like, I see you, you know, and I see you, God, you know, working in my spouse's life. Because I think that's where it doesn't. Like, again, it's not that pressure on them, but it's showing them God working in their life. Because whether they're following God or not, at this point, God loves them still, you know, I mean, he sees them, he's still in control. So it's just about showing them God's movement and how he is real.

That is so what a goal for all of us. I mean, not only with our spouse, which is where we should live out our faith, you know, most importantly, right. But in all parts of our life. Like, if people at our work are better off because of our faith, if the people at the grocery store we interact with are better off because of the way we live out our faith, I mean, that's God's plan for his kingdom for the community. And kingdom even sounds kind of like a churchy word.

Don't say kingdom to your neighbors, guys.

But really, it just means. It means bringing to the everyday world the dynamic of God's principles and the way that he is, and showing people that in the real world and helping them realize that there's a world beyond this one, one that's going to last forever. And we're bringing little glimpses of that through love and hope and faith in everything that we do. And that's what we're called to do. And it starts in our homes. And if you're in that dynamic, and maybe it's not this drastic, maybe you're just in a dynamic where your faith is more important to you than it is to your spouse. They would say, yeah, I'm a believer. But they just. They don't care about going to church. They don't want to do really anything to invest in their faith. And so they're. They're comfortable being, to use a Bible word, very lukewarm. You know, they're just kind of like, I'm not doing anything to invest in this. I mean, I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. You know, I'll go to church on Christmas and believe in baby Jesus and all that, but this isn't really a part of my daily life the way that it is for you. And so they're not going to lead in that way. They're not going to lead you toward a closer walk with Jesus. And they're not going to Be that accountability partner that you want. They're not going to be praying with you and for you the way that you desire. But instead of just nagging them about it or judging them about it, start by encouraging what they're doing right? Yes. You know, if they're ever taking any little step that's showing growth in their faith, if they ever are willing to go to church, if they're ever willing to, like, listen to a Christian song with you or whatever it might be, however small it might be, celebrate that. You know, don't make it weird, but celebrate it and just say, like, oh, man, I felt so close to you. I felt so close to you in that moment.

I love sharing this with you.

Yeah, I love sharing that with you. And celebrate it. Thank them. Encourage them for what they're doing. Right. Encouraging your spouse for what they're doing right almost always works better for nagging them about what you think they're doing wrong. And so be an encourager.

Absolutely. And I want to say this, too. I know the goal, especially for this woman who wrote us. She would love, you know, she wants her husband to know Christ, obviously, but. And then also to share in going to church and participating with the body of Christ. Again, I'm using church words. I know, but, you know, once. Once they become a Christian, they'll understand what you're talking about. But in. In the short term, where they're. They're not sure. Again, don't. Don't use words where they're like, what are they talking about? But, you know, when I know that this woman wants her husband to come to church. And so one thing we definitely do not want to do is. And I don't think this woman is doing this, but I just want to talk about this is. Is make it weird with the people at your church to where your spouse will never go. Because they're like, there's this cult basically waiting for me to come. Like, you're finally with us. Breath. The brethren is complete.

You know, like, prayed over this moment.

Now come, brother. You know, like, it can't be. It can't be weird, guys.

The goat sacrifices this way, you know, I don't know.

I mean, and I don't think that's going on here, but I do see that. We've seen this dynamic, sweetie, where there's been one spouse and they, like, have told their small group to be in the same place as their spouse so they can hit him up and talk to him, and the spouse can see when something is genuine. Now, God may create Those moments often he does. Right. But it's organic. It's not something that's set up. And so we can't get in these desperate spots where we're like, we just want to create the perfect scenario where he's going to see that he needs to come to church, you know, because we're just setting ourselves up for failure and we're making it weird for our spouse. Again, we need to show our genuine faith. We need to show them that God is real, that God loves them, that God is moving all the time and he's all around us, that he created not only your spouse, but the whole world, you know, and he brought the two of you together. But it has to be organic and it has to be genuine.

And if you want some biblical follow up on this, if you read what, you know, Paul wrote to the church in Corinth in the New Testament, there are pages, passages, pretty extended passages specifically to people in this dynamic. Yes. And essentially, to sum it all up, he's saying, stay married, do everything you can to promote peace. If that spouse ultimately leaves, you know, then, you know, that's their choice to leave. You can't force someone to stay married to you, but you don't be the one to walk away. You know, you keep loving, you keep praying. Yes.

Prayer is essential.

And do everything you can to preserve and promote unity within your home. And our prayers are with you and with all who are in this dynamic and with those unbelieving spouses that through your example and your faith, that God might draw them in and they might get saved. And that's, gosh, that's always the goal. We want heaven to be packed.

Yes.

And so we pray for your family. We've got a lot of resources that could help you both in your faith and your marriage. @xomarriage.com A good, non intimidating way to introduce a spouse to faith might be to come to one of our live exomarriage conference events where they're not going to feel like they're being preached at the whole time, but in very natural and fun, fun and practical ways. The message of faith is infused in everything that we do at these events and man, it's so much fun. And I think it could be a great first step for that person who maybe isn't all about going to church right now, but coming to one of these events could be that great first step. So you can find out about those events as well@exomarriage.com all right, and thank.

You guys so much for joining us. We'll see you next time.

Sam.