Summer Quickies: Who's the Boss?

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we have another episode within our summer Quickie Q and A series. And this one is a question we get about. You know, people ask it a lot because it's, it's a little touchy in different ways. In different ways it can be. It depends on kind of what kind of personality you have. And so I'm really excited to dive into that. But before we do, I just wanted to remind everybody that, that we actually have another podcast and it's called the Pre Marriage Podcast where we actually talk about all things having to do with engagement and things you need to talk about before you get married. And so if you haven't checked that out and you are an engaged couple or a seriously dating couple, definitely go check that out. Here's what people are saying about it. I'm going to share one review from Cassie Eland and she entitled it Essential Advice and gave it five stars. And she says as a Christian engaged woman, most of these topics have been on my heart so much lately. And this podcast has opened my eyes and made me realize that our problems are indeed normal and are expected to come our way. I took notes and plan to use all of this advice to create a God led marriage. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, thank you Cassidy for sharing that.

And congrats on your engagement and congrats on just having the wisdom and the foresight to say I don't want to plan just for a good wedding day that only lasts one day. I want to plan for a good wedding or a good marriage rather, that's going to last my whole life and I want to create a solid foundation for that right now. And that's what the Pre Marriage Podcast is all about. Or and also we have a course just for engaged couples called Preparing for I do. Which you can get@premarriage.com no hyphens or anything, just premarriage. All1word.com and share that with anybody in your life who's seriously dating or engaged. As well as the Naked Marriage podcast, we have a lot of dating and engaged couples who listen to this, and we're so glad that you do. And congratulations to you as well for having the wisdom to invest in your relationship at that stage. So, again, we're in the summer quickies, and it is a good question today. Thank you guys for submitting these questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com we also appreciate the questions you write us on social media. Wherever you write, we appreciate it. Today's question goes like this. It says, after making goals together as a couple, how do you have conversations throughout the year without coming across as being controlling or bossy? Especially when your spouse doesn't initiate these kinds of conversations. So essentially, this is about accountability, but without coming across as being a boss or a nag or whatever negative word you want to plug in there.

Or falling into like a parent child dynamic.

Yes. Like now you said you were gonna do this and I thought you said you were on a diet.

I love your church language.

Yeah. All of a sudden I go into the church lady. Isn't that special? It sounds just like it want to do, like a whole podcast series where I just do different accents.

I think it'd be awesome.

Every episode.

Yes.

I'm going to see if we can work that in for maybe this fall. Stay tuned. We'll see. The producers are shaking their heads. No, they're like, it's probably, probably not going to happen, but we'll sprinkle it.

In here and then.

Right. I might start a separate podcast that literally no one will listen to.

Oh, Dave's accents.

Yeah, that I'll go back and listen to and laugh. It'll be just kind of a sad one audience member show.

Oh, my goodness.

Wasted too much time on that already. So, goals and this quick follow up. This is kind of tied to what we talked about all spring with the Naked and Healthy series. We've got a new book. If you haven't listened to the audiobook or read the Naked and Healthy book, check that out on Amazon or@xomarriage.com and it's about health mentally, physically, and spiritually. And in your marriage, setting goals, working toward those goals, being healthy in all parts of life. But it brings about questions like this when you make those goals, like, we're going to get healthier physically in these specific ways or, you know, in one part of our life. And then. And then that spouse kind of falls off the wagon, so to speak. Like, how do you encourage, how do you check in? How do you have some accountability without being like a parent, a boss? Why are you laughing?

It's because look at the look on your face. If you all are watching on YouTube, he got this little like little sl. Like your eyes. It was kind of like down, like falling off the wagon, you know, and.

It'S because I've kind of fallen off. It was a laugh of that hit close to home. So we wrote the book Naked and Healthy. And then, you know, I went to the doctor recently. No.

Then the pandemic happened.

Basically told that I'm not healthy, that I'm a giant hypocrite for writing a book about health.

That is not what I said.

You know, I'm a little chubby according to BMI chart. According to the Japanese BMI chart, I'm full fledged obese.

How would you know about the Japanese?

I am full of random, trivial knowledge. They use a separate chart. And I'm obese in Japan and I'm overweight in America. But my doctor who was, you know, I'm not going to make this like my own therapy, but he was telling me like, oh yeah, you know, you're bmi, you're a little high, you're high, you're moving the wrong direction. And you know, so you got to do this. And. But it was kind of in a judgy way. And listen, I'm all about receiving correction, but he was significantly in worse shape than me. Doc, if you're listening, I love you, you're a great physician, but I just. Can we acknowledge this?

It's hard to deliver those news.

Right. It was coming across as kind of judgy from a guy who's noticeably chubbier than me.

But now that we're saying this, those who listen to Naked and Healthy are like Dave and Ashley. What the heck, right? No. So here's the deal.

I've had a relaxing summer.

It's really not bad. He tends to be. Let me say this. And then we're gonna get into the goals. No, like, and we have shared this. If you listen to any of our talks about naked and healthy, if you wanna listen, you can go to exonow.com Am I saying that right? Okay.

Yes.

And you can actually go and listen to that. If you become a member, you can listen to it.

We don't claim to be free trial@exnail.com the best selection of on demand marriage content on the planet.

It's amazing. Okay, so you can Listen to it. We don't claim to be, you know, experts in this area, but we are talking about how it affects your marriage. And in our marriage, we do tend to fluctuate. Right. We've had seasons of, like, very good.

Discipline in thickness and in health is a chapter in the book.

It's literally a chapter.

We've been thick, we've been healthy. We have, we've been.

We've been happy being thick. We've been in the middle, and then we've been unhappy. So. Yes. But, you know, as far as goals, like, for in our marriage, I totally get what this person is saying. Because we, like, throughout our marriage, we've asked for accountability, but then when you actually want to bring it up and hold the other accountable, it doesn't always land on the best.

Judging me when I'm eating my chips.

Right, right. Because I've said that to you. I've been like, I love Cape Cod Kettle cooked chips, but they're kind of like crack to me. And when Dave buys them, I'm like, I'm excited, but then I'm really mad at you.

And the look on her face is both excitement and disappointment all in one.

It is.

But if you work for the Cape Cod Chips organization and would like to become an official sponsor of the Naked Marriage podcast, let us know.

Let us know. But I do. I've told Dave before, I'm like, sweetie, why did you bring this into the house? Or Chex Mix that's become our family fights over Chex Mix. We literally fight over it.

It's like, we do. And, yeah, this is why the other woman in my life is little Debbie. And I've talked about this unhealthy relationship that's gone on in. Then the oatmeal cream pies come into the house. And, you know, I'm glad they're there.

I'm not glad they're there.

But then I, you know, then I'm not glad they're there. Right.

I know.

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And so how do you kind of keep each other in check once you've made a shared goal that, like, we're gonna get healthy, we're gonna get financially. We're gonna get financially healthy, physically healthy, whatever it is, we're gonna get spiritually healthy, we're gonna start reading the Bible daily or going to church every week or whatever that goal is to create marked improvement in some part of your life. And then one spouse just doesn't follow through. How do you encourage that? How do you kind of shine the light of accountability on that without being naggy or bossy?

I think it really starts with yourself first, because, you know, if you can talk about yourself like, here's a goal I would really like to set and not necessarily force your spouse to do the same, because we talk about that a lot, that's not necessarily gonna go well. Sometimes they're like, yes, I have that shared goal. Sometimes they're like, I'm not quite there yet. Maybe my goal could be moving in the same direction as your goal, but not quite to that extent. Right. Okay. And I think that if you start with yourself and then ask your spouse to hold you accountable, okay, Then there's not so much of a fight. But if you are constantly the one who's like, hmm, but what if they.

Do hold you accountable, but then when you hold them accountable, they get offended? Right. What if you say, hold me accountable, and then they do. They're like, you told me to.

Yes.

And then all of a sudden, you try to do the same to them and they get offended. Say, I didn't ask for that.

Well, you could say, listen, I just. I want us both to be the best versions of ourself. And I'm only, I love you no matter what, but I want us both to live a long time and be healthier. I want us both to financially be in a good place. I don't want to, you know, end up bankrupt or whatever it is. You know, I really just. This is only because it's for both of us. It's for our family. I think you have to just go back to that.

Makes it safe.

It's not your worst.

It makes me feel loved and respected and secure. When you're Making these decisions for your own health and for our collective health as a family.

And it's not tied to your worth as a person?

No, not at all.

And it's not tied to you desiring your spouse or wanting to be with your spouse or your commitment to the marriage. I think that's where it feels bossy and it feels like a cut. And whenever we are trying to remind our spouse of goals that we set, it can't be in a critical way. And I think too, depending on the personalities, like we know couples where they are planners and they do put a thing on the calendar and they sit down and they go over their finances. But like, for some people, and like, I'm probably more that way. Like, I wanna set a meeting. Literally, if I said that to Dave, he's gonna start sweating and he's gonna literally, like not have words.

I was lazing over. Even with just the hypothetical.

No, I can see it on you. And it's really funny because one of his strengths, there's a book called StrengthsFinder. Am I saying that right? Is it strength? Yes. It's amazing. I believe they can get it@xomarriage.com. no, maybe not.

Go on Amazon if you're thinking of Strengths Based marriage.

Sorry. Well, look up Strengths Finder. Go to Amazon. But also look up Strengths Based Marriage, which is awesome. And that's@xomarriage.com but when we did the strengths finder test, one of Dave's number one strengths is being strategic.

That's right.

So you would think that dude likes a meeting Captain Strategy, but he doesn't.

Most meetings are so terribly unstrategic that, that I find myself just really distracted by the lack of strategy in the meeting.

I think that's what it is.

This could have been an email. This whole meeting could have been an email. And so it's not that all meetings.

Are bad, but it's kind of how you're wired. And so in that same kind of vein of way of thinking, I just think we have to know our spouse enough to know what delivery method is best.

Right. What's going to work with them? Like for us, just going on a walk, being engaged in activity and having a conversation organically about goals and about, you know, things we want to do. And that brings out the best in both of us.

You don't feel pressure, right? You don't feel put on the spot. I think sometimes when people feel put on the spot, men, you know, men or women, this isn't just like a male, female thing that's when they're like, they're going to not take your advice and they're not going to take it as good. They're not going to be like, oh, they're just holding me accountable. They're going to think. They just think I'm fat or they think I can't manage money, or, you know, they don't think I'm a good parent or whatever it is. That's how we take it. So we want to be disarming.

Disarming. And the best way to be disarming is always, always get a lot more encouragement than criticism in marriage. Like, be your spouse's biggest encourager, not their biggest critic. The Bible gives a list of spiritual gifts. Encouragement is one. Critic is nowhere on the list. But some people in our world act like they have the spiritual gift a God given, you know, mandate to be the critic of everybody and everything. And don't do that. That will kill your marriage. Be your spouse's biggest encourager. Tell them everything they're doing right. Brag about them, thank them, praise them, celebrate them. Respect them so much that when you have to, you know, slip in a little bit of constructive criticism or accountability.

It'S really, it's concern.

It's concern that they know your heart is coming from a place of loving them so much, respecting them so much, believing in them so much that certainly this little bit of concern they're bringing to you is motivated by all those good things. But if you're always leading with the negative, if it's always, oh, gosh, you're always doing this, you're never doing that, or you never follow through, they're just gonna shut down and quit trying and everybody loses at that point. So just to make it as practical as we can, be your spouse's biggest encourager. Celebrate what they're doing right. I'm telling you, celebrating and thanking your spouse for what they do right works a hundred times better than nagging them for what they're doing wrong. But if you'll celebrate, encourage over and over and over again, then in those moments when you do have to kind of strategically insert some concern and criticism, they're going to be much more likely to receive it the way that it should be received.

They will. And I want to give you guys one more resource. I know we mentioned exomarriage.com where we have all of our resources, not just authored by us. There's many more authors with all kinds of wisdom that you can find there. And one that is a newer resource that just came out is the Vision Retreat Guide, I believe, guidebook. Am I saying that correctly? Okay, the Vision Retreat Guidebook. It actually, A vision retreat is something here at XO Marriage that we've talked about for years that was put together by Jimmy and Karen Evans, but now we actually have it in book form where you can walk through it and take this beautiful book, by the way, it's so pretty, and really go and take it with you and set a time where you and your spouse get away and you set these goals and you set a vision for your marriage. And so you can make it fun. Like, make it not all about the goals, but make. Make sure that on this Vision Retreat, you do set some goals and you do celebrate the wins. Like, really take time to celebrate. And so if you want to get that, if you're like, you know, Dave and Ashley, I hear what you're saying, but I need. I need to have more structure. I really think the Vision Retreat Guidebook would be a great place to start, and then it would be something to look forward to on the calendar as well. And so definitely, if you go to Vision Retreat, you can get your book right there. So go to Vision retreat dot com. You'll be so glad you did. And again, it's such a pretty cover. Like, I just. Like, I'm just enticed by the COVID It's awesome, but really, what's inside it is gold. Jimmy and Karen, they've been doing this for years. They are the experts on this, and they just. Literally, it's like two marriage mentors kind of guiding you through this. And then you'll leave that retreat, not only having some time together and feeling refreshed, but also, you know, having just some specific goals for your marriage that are attainable. And then if you make this a yearly habit, you can celebrate those wins each year, and your marriage will grow from it year by year.

That's a great, great practical application of all this. Guys, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode. Get that Vision Retreat Guidebook that Ashley talked about, and we will look forward to seeing you next. Sam.