Supporting Each Other Through Failure

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This is what spouses do for each other, is we have to remind each other of what really is the truth. Because so many times when we fail, the truth is so it's just mixed up. You know, we don't see things really as they are necessarily because we just. Our feelings are so up in there, you know, and feelings are not a good guide. You know, they are things that we need to process, and sometimes there's a symptoms of things that we obviously need to work through the feelings, not avoid them. But we can't really let that be our guide. Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our summer quickie series. And we've been doing those shorter episodes that you guys love and talking about all kinds of topics. And today we're going to talk about one that's a little more serious and one that I think so many of us can relate to and that is supporting each other through failure.

Yes. And every. Every couple will have these moments, and it's part of the whole for better or for worse. And when we say for better or for worse, that sacred vow, I think in our minds, we're usually thinking that for worse is going to be things like sickness. You know, it's like, I mean, and that clearly is if, you know, one of you gets. Gets an injury or an illness that's very serious, that's a for worse moment. You lean on each other in sickness and in health. For better, for worse. But oftentimes the for worse and for better or for worse, it's not an illness or something like that, but really it's a circumstance and it's a dream that didn't come through. Yeah, it's. It's something you really worked toward, a goal you were striving toward, and you fell short. And when failure comes, that can be one of the most intimate moments of a marriage. Because a moment of failure is deeply vulnerable.

Oh, yeah.

When one. When we experience it collectively or if it's a More. If it Feels more like an individual failure. Like, I've really, you know, I've worked and worked and worked to try to get this job or this promotion, and that door was slammed shut on me. Or, you know, something like that where we feel like I just fell short. And it can cause us to want to push our spouse away. It can cause us to react in sadness or anger or a whole mixture of kind of negative emotions. But if we'll, in those moments, really lean into each other. What we found in moments of failure in our marriage, both individual failure and collective failure. I failed a lot more than she has, is it's really drawn us closer together. And first, to kind of frame it, there are several different kinds of failure. One, there's maybe the most serious. The difficult kind for marriages is a moral failure. And that's where you've made a decision that's wrong. You know, for me, that moral failure early in the marriage was pornography. You know, I. And we talked a lot about that, so I won't belabor that point here. But it was a. It was a sin that I fell back into by choice. I was deliberately sinning. And that moral failure created a deep wound that we had to work through together. For others, there's no sin involved. It's not a moral failure. It's a failure just in terms of I really tried for this goal and I fell short. And. And I'm feeling like a failure. I'm feeling like a bum. I'm feeling like a whatever. And how we support each other during those times is so important. But of course, the support looks very different. Usually if it's like a moral failure versus just a kind of. We'll call it a performance failure.

Right.

So, sweetie, what are some of your thoughts?

Well, I just think more recently, kind of just to give an example from our own life, we mentioned this in a past summer quickie episode that we had an investment. And so I won't go into all the details, but we did an investment where we took out some of our retirement, thinking this was going to be something, preparing us for our future. And it didn't really go our way. And both of us experienced feelings of failure at that time, for me personally, at the city council meeting, where we had to go kind of fight for the commercial status that the building already had and the residents didn't want that. I went into that meeting feeling. I mean, we had boards and we had prepared speeches, plan. We had gone out of our way to, like, talk to different people. And we just really were like, you know, if they could just hear us out, if they could just hear our plan and our dream, this dream we've had forever, and let them know who we are and that we love this community too. And you know, I was so wide eyed and bushy tailed and I remember coming out of that meeting and us getting a hard no. And I just felt I immediately. And I'm not a huge crier necessarily, but I just sobbed for a solid hour. And I remember.

And you're not a crier.

No. And I remember telling you, I said, and like hysterically, like to the point where the kids are like, what is going on? And it may sound really superficial. I was watching, listening. I think it was the death of a dream.

I feel like it was the death of a dream that we had for a long time. And then it was a cathartic moment of like just plowing through a long, long season of stress because this, this whole particular ordeal is, had cost us not only like more money than we had financially, but we had poured blood, sweat and tears into this to try to make it happen just through sheer will, right?

And it felt like an injustice to me, to be honest.

And then it was like the injustice of.

And I have a very strong sense of justice.

We weren't even given the chance to. And we just knew it could have been such a good thing. And it was a lot of different points of grief all happening at once, right? And it was just a moment of catharsis for you to just, you know, release that and was.

And I kept on saying, I don't know why this is upsetting me so much. Like, this is so silly in the grand scheme. This isn't going to be a big deal. Like I was saying it like through tears and you're like, sweetie, you just needed this. You've been bottling all this up and it needed to come out. But I think I also, I felt a little bit like a failure too. And then I felt stupid for even having my hopes up. I felt so stupid. And if there's something about me, I don't like to be made a fool and most people don't, but I really don't like to be made a fool. And it was just my pride, like, stomp, stomp, stomp, you know, And I did. I felt like, I just felt so foolish and like, what was I thinking? And Dave was so tender just to let me have that. You call it a cathartic moment, like just to let it all out. You didn't make me feel weird, you just held me when the boys were like, mom, what's going on? You were like, listen, you know, mom and dad been working hard at this thing. It didn't go our way. Mom's just upset. She's just working through it. And now you. In the same way. I remember. You know, and this is. This is something about men and women. Generally speaking, when men and women experience failure, it will usually, you know, not that we don't get angry too. I was very angry, but it came out in tears and sadness.

Typically more as sadness for women, more as anger.

More as anger.

Not always. I mean, both men, women experience both.

Sexual things, and they're having their feelings because you were sad. But you. For you, you were angry. Like. And I remember. And you felt. You kept on saying things to me as we were processing in the days and the months after, because then we had to pivot and make it a flip. That wasn't the end, right? It wasn't the end. It was like, okay, here's your. Here's. It's not gonna happen as you thought, but now you're gonna have to work even harder to get this thing going.

And know for sure it's gonna be a loss, but you have to.

But you gotta do it anyway.

Work, work, work, work, work towards something that you're never gonna ever see any kind of success with. But you still have to do this just to, you know, avoid bankruptcy or.

Whatever, to get through it. And I remember you talking to me and you were like, this is my fault. I was the one who pushed for this the most. Even though we both. And I kept on saying, sweetie, we made this decision together. You weren't making. Cause he was like, was I just willy nilly, was I not being wise about this? And I'm like, sweetie, this. You know, we both prayed about this more than we could ever. You know, we prayed. This has been years in the making, this dream. We. This was a great deal. You fostered a great real estate deal. This was in a great location. But for whatever reason, God is saying, you're gonna pivot here. This isn't. This isn't what you thought it was. This is just a little blip and you're gonna pivot here. And. But I had to. I remember. You know, and this is what spouses do for each other, is we have to remind each other of what really is the truth. Because so many times when we fail, the truth is. So it's just mixed up. You know, we don't see things really as they are necessarily, because we just. Our feelings are so up in there, you know, and feelings are not a good guide. You know, they are things that we need to process and sometimes they're the symptoms of things that we obviously need to work through the feelings, not avoid them. But we can't really let that be our guide. And I was just thankful that in that season we both. I feel like we both really needed each other. We really went back and forth a lot.

Yeah, we took turns. Ashley's always said a strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It's usually a husband and wife taking turns being strong for each other. And we totally did that. It was like a ping pong match. It's like your turn to be strong, your turn to be strong.

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And we got through it and we.

Did get through it and it hurt and it was a bummer. And it was, you know, it was a disappointment and it was a mixture of a whole bunch of emotions and trying to process what just happened and what were we supposed to learn by next week. We planned and we prayed and we felt like even God was leading us into this. And so it was just a confusing mix of a lot of disappointing feelings. And I know that God was in it. It's just it didn't work out at all the way that we thought that it would. And I think maybe some of what happened is like we were able to minister to some people we never would have connected with. Yep. We were able to, you know, we were given, you know, marriage help advice to even some of the contractors who were there working. Who's, you know, one in particular whose marriage was in crisis. We were able to do some things that I think helped people and it also did A lot to, to grow us. And it also, I think God used it to help refine our calling in this season. I think that both of us, you know, we're enneagram sevens. We're, you know, we're always looking for something new. We're antsy. And I think, I think it was part of God's way of just reminding us to focus in this season on really what matters most. And all we have the margin to do well right now is love our kids and our family and to do marriage ministry. And that, that's enough. Like that's enough and that's great. And we needed that reminder. Apparently we needed it in a dramatic and painful way because, you know, we weren't ever going to take away from loving our kids and our family and doing marriage ministry. But God in his wisdom knew that maybe this thing, if it hadn't worked, would have become an ongoing big distraction. And it was a short term distraction. It could have been a really long term distraction. I think God was protecting us from that. And so sometimes what we see as a failure is God closing a door for our protection.

Right.

And it's an opportunity to just trust him, which is all faith is. It's a choice to trust God even when things don't make perfect sense to us that God, I know you're good, I know you're with us, I know you're for us. And I don't see how the big picture's all working together right now. But I'm choosing to trust you. And yes, it's disappointing and I just need to grieve the loss. But ultimately I'm just going to thank you. I'm going to thank you that you were protecting us from things that we didn't even know we needed protection from. I'm thankful that you closed the door to help redirect our path to where we need to be in a more focused way. Right. I'm choosing to be thankful for all of that. And that was, you know, it was disappointing. It still kind of stings thinking about it, but I'm thankful and really I feel like I have more peace now. Is little by little God kind of pries my fingers off of things that I want to tend to grab and control and do where he's saying, not in this season. You've got your hands are full enough already. And so some of our stress, mine especially is self inflicted. I tend to take on too much, too much pressure, too much stress, too many projects. And Jesus is saying, come to me all who are weary and let me give you rest. Like his invitation is, come and find rest for your soul. But I sometimes treat it like Jesus is this taskmaster saying, work harder, do more, work harder, do more. And that's not who he is. He's done all the work. And. And I just need to remind myself of that sometimes. And when I do, I can look at even life's failures through a clearer lens.

Absolutely. And I think too, you know, I know we were talking about kind of the. I can't remember the term you gave it, but, you know, maybe a situational failure, like where it's. Whether it's financial or a dream or, you know, work related or something like that, or maybe even like you just really blew it with your kids or you, you know, something like that. But I think when it comes to moral failure, it can be. It can be a little more complicated because those things tend to stick with us a lot longer and they run pretty deep. And I was reminded of this at a recent wedding. Recent wedding, A recent marriage event that we were doing, and there was a couple there. And after one of our sessions, especially where we talked about the pornography, we always share our testimonies. And David talked about his, his, his, you know, past struggles with pornography and how he came through that and just, you know, all the different parts of that. And this particular husband, he. He was really teary eyed and he said, you know, that's part of my story. But then it goes deeper and I've had so many failures. Do you remember talking to this couple? Yeah, and I remember, I, I just, if, if there was like. It's almost like you could feel, you could feel the weight that he felt, like you could sense the weight. Shame.

And that he just felt imprisoned by his own choices and ashamed of them. And I didn't. And like his identity was wrapped up in it and he could never break free from that. And it broke my heart. Yeah, it's heartbreaking because. Yeah, our moral choices can have lifelong ramifications. However, because of what Jesus did on the cross, we can be set free from the shame and the condemnation that comes with that. And so.

And his wife was right there. And, you know, and I could tell, I mean, she's been through it and she's had every reason to be angry with him. There had been infidelity, there had been a lot of lies, but she was still there. And they'd been married a while. You know, they'd been together a while and been through a lot of counseling. And he, and she said just now he's been doing individual counseling and really trying to really accept, you know, the forgiveness that is right there for him through Christ because he's had the hardest time with that. And he kept on. And because he wouldn't accept that forgiveness and see himself as a new creation, he kept on feeling like he had to go back to that old life, you know what I'm saying? But it was just really cool to meet this couple because this wife, she would constantly still be there reminding him. And so we ended up praying with this couple. But I remember Dave looked at them because they were like, do you have any advice for us? And Dave said, listen, you know, you. What you're doing right now shows the strength that you're. The courage and strength that you already have. And you need to keep doing what you're doing because you are here together, coming again to a marriage event, you know, and she had read all these books, and he'd read these books, and they're going to counseling. But it's a process, you know, it takes a lot of time and a lot more time than we ever think. And really, I feel like by the end of that encounter and by the end of the whole weekend that we spent with them and the other people at the conference, I saw a little bit of weight lifted off him. And I think that we have to remember, especially when it's a sin failure, you know, it's going to be a process, but we also. We have to be there for each other. And even if we were wronged, if we were the spouse who was wronged, if we want to. If we want our marriage to make it, we have to keep reminding our spouse who is trying to rebuild our trust and trying to show that they have the capacity to do right and to. To do their best to right the wrong, so to speak, we have to remind them that they are not defined by this, and that wife was doing that for him. And. And that takes a lot of strength. I mean, that's not easy because you're going to have a lot of days where you question, why am I staying with this person? I mean, they keep on messing up, they keep on failing, or can I really ever trust them again? I'm sure there's all those doubts, but I think that as long as we keep praying, we keep hoping and even seeking professional help ourselves as the person who was wronged, you know, we really keep that soft heart and also realize that we aren't perfect, you know, that we. Not that we ever caused our spouse to sin. That's never the case. Excuse me, but we do need to remember that none of us are beyond temptation, that none of us are beyond falling into the same sin because we're human beings and we're frail. And I think, you know, that couple reminded me of that. Because we need each other. We need to remember it's not his problem or her problem, it's our problem. And we got to sometimes be the strength for our spouse. Like, I know that sounds very kind of counterintuitive, but. But we do. We have to remind each other like this. This isn't who you are. You. Yes, you messed up royally. You did.

Yeah.

And you really hurt me and you really hurt us. But I believe that you can do better, you know? And I believe that God's not through with us. I mean, we have to be that specific.

That is so good, and that is so true. And so, guys, some of it comes down to just shifting your focus instead of being fixated on the failure and thinking, that's who I am. I am this failure. That's all I'm ever going to be. Shift your focus instead on the victories, on what Jesus has accomplished for us, on the good that has happened, on the good that's happening right now, and let that be the starting place. And then apply these other principles. And I believe that God can carry you through to a place of healing. And no matter how deep that failure has been, it'll be part of your testimony that someday you'll use to inspire other people who are going through the same thing. Because God never wastes our pain. And I'm so thankful for that. Guys, thanks so much for tuning in. Don't forget that we not only put out new episodes every Monday, but every Wednesday now. Hump day, Q and A. Hump day, Q and A. So tune in every Wednesday for the Q and A, which is just always been one of the most favorite parts of this podcast. And thank you for the great questions you send us. God bless you guys. We'll see you next time.