Talking About Sex & Talking During Sex | 14 Days of Sex | Day 1

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. Happy January. We're so excited. It's a new year. And continuing with everybody making resolutions for this new year, we have a resolution that you might want to add to.

Your list you can keep.

Because if you're listening in real time, it's January 8th. Many of you have already abandoned your New Year's resolutions according to statistics. Cause you know you're eating, eating too much again. You know you're doing all the stuff you said you wouldn't do. But we've got a resolution you can keep. And it's about your sex life.

That's right.

Making your sex life great. In fact, to help you with this, we're doing a few things over the next 14 days in a row. Yeah, 14 days in a row. Starting today, we're gonna have an episode specifically about sex. We want you to listen for 14 days in a row and apply what you're learning. And we think that over the next couple weeks, you could have a dramatic improvement in your sex life. To help you with this, in addition to that, we have a free resource for you that you can access here in the show notes. In the description, there's a link you can follow for a free gift from us that is going to help you in this part of your life as well. So we don't want you to miss out on a thing. On a personal note, if you're listening in real time, I want you to say a prayer for my dear wife, Ashley. We're not recording this live. This was pre recorded. But if you're listening on today, January 8, the day it was released, Ashley is actually having a hysterectomy today.

Yep. Goodbye uterus.

Goodbye uterus.

You served me well.

It was a very, a very effective uterus. It was three children. It was a hard working uterus.

It was. Thank you.

It did good. But now it's time to retire the uterus.

Now you're making me sad. Uterus.

So that's where she is right now, probably, as you're listening to this, is, you know, under anesthesia. And so just pray for her. It's a routine procedure, they say, but.

You know, there'll be some recovery.

There'll be some recovery. And you just want to pray for no complications and for a quick recovery because, you know, starting here in just a few weeks from the date of this release, we're, you know, we're. We're back in high gear for the exo season. We're going to be in San Antonio last weekend of January doing an event there. And then our big, biggest event of the year, Grapevine, Texas, the Dallas area, February 9th and 10th. We'd love to have you there. That is an incredible event. Go to xomarriage.com the weekend before Valentine's Day, we have got some incredible things planned. It's a fellowship church. There'll be 4000 people live in attendance, and then people simulcasting it from all over the world. So if you can't come in person, you can simulcast the event. And it is so much fun. But just pray that Ashley's, you know, recovering well and all that, because she has so much that she does. And I don't want to turn this into a whole episode about that, but you're amazing, and I just want people to be praying for you. But back to sex.

Yes. Speaking of uterus. No, I'm kidding.

We'll just go through anatomically. Let's just talk about every. Every part of the anatomy that has to do with sex. You go first. We'll go back and forth.

You're so silly. No, we really do. You know, when we were kind of as a team, just really charting out the year, thinking about how can we serve you guys? Well, like, what are the questions we're receiving? What are the things that you guys write us and say, like, please talk more about this. So many times it comes down to sex. Like, you know, and I really count it an honor that you all see XO and the Naked Marriage podcast as a safe place to come and learn about how to have a strong sex life as a married couple. And we don't take that lightly. Like, we want to continually bring you fresh content that will enhance your marriage and your sex life, because sex is part of marriage. And so we were like, you know what? Let's start out the year strong, really talking about sex. And so today we're gonna talk about, like, why? Why should we talk about sex as a married couple? Why is it important? And if you didn't already Know, but I mean, honestly, like, sometimes we'll post about sex on Instagram. You know, our handle is avanashleywillis. If you're not following us, we put a lot of new content over there that we don't necess talk about here on the Naked Marriage podcast. At least, you know, both can go hand in hand. But we'll get a lot of comments where we'll talk about sex. And you guys are like, yes, talk more about this. But then there's some people that will say, no, sex isn't even that big of a deal in marriage. And, like, maybe it was in the beginning, but it's not anymore.

And often the one who's saying sex isn't that big a deal has a spouse who's screaming, it is a big deal.

Right, Right.

Why don't you care about it? I'm dying over here.

Right. Well, and honestly to that, you know, to you saying that recently, I'm trying to think what the post was about. I think it was like, how to have a great sex life when you don't love your body or something to that effect.

Yeah.

Which is an issue.

Everybody's got insecurities.

Yes. And we'll talk more about that through these 14 days. But I remember there were so many people like, yes, this is helpful. Yes, I deal with this insecurity. And then, though, there were both husbands, a lot of husbands, okay. Who were saying, you know, well, my wife never wants to have sex. And. Yeah. Oh, that. You know, she doesn't. It's not even about her body. It's just she never wants to have it. Or there were wives saying the same thing, like, well, gosh, I wish, you know, my husband even would approach me, you know, or even when I ask him to have sex, he just doesn't seem interested. And so that's why it's so important that we take this time to talk about it. Because, you know, sex is going to look different throughout your marriage. I mean, like, your body's changing. Sometimes you have medical issues, sometimes you can. You can't have intercourse due to different reasons, or it's just your hormones are off. There's all kinds of reasons. But the truth of the matter is sex is important not only for the physical benefits of it and the pleasure that comes from it and the blessing of children that can come from it, but also because it is a connection. Mind, body, spirit. It's a connection that God created specifically for marriage. And so we can't just push it off to the side and say, oh, it doesn't matter. And we can't make it an idol of sorts where it's like, the greatest part of marriage. You know what I'm saying? It's somewhere in the middle there. Like, it's not, you know, it is part of marriage, but it doesn't need to become an idol. So, sweetie, what would you say, like, why. Why should we talk about sex with our spouse?

Well, because it's a gift. It's a gift God created for marriage. And it's a gift that will keep your marriage stronger and keep you closely connected to your spouse. It's a gift that brings pleasure and intimacy, both physically and emotionally and spiritually, for that matter. And it's an important part of marriage. And I think connecting sexually is a vital aspect of continuing to grow and continuing to stay connected through every season of marriage. When the world's doing so many things to try to tear you apart when you are together in that moment of sexual intimacy, it's a coming together. It is a reconnection. It is. It's a reestablishing in some ways of that beautiful covenant that is marriage. And you need it. You need it more than you think you do. And so you got to work through the insecurities. You have to work through all the things that are trying to keep you from that. Because if you don't prioritize your sex life, then you are making a decision, consciously or unconsciously, to not prioritize the marriage, really, in a lot of ways, and the marriage will suffer. I mean, I know so many examples of a time where a couple, one spouse just said, you know, sex isn't important anymore, and it started to create drift and resentment from the other spouse and a lot of other things, and the whole marriage begins to unravel. So it takes more, much more than sex to build a great marriage. Oh, yeah. But it's nearly impossible to build a great marriage without it.

So true. And I'm telling you, too, I think sometimes, you know, whether it's mentally or even physically, and I feel like our body, you know, our body often can respond to our mind. There's a mind body connection here. And we know this. And I think sometimes, you know, as women, when we don't feel loved and cherished by our husband, we can really shut off that part of ourselves that is. That is sexual. Like. And I hear this from so many wives out there where. And even couples like we've counseled over the years when they're sitting there and maybe they didn't come in because sex like they don't, they're not wanting, you know, talk to talk to us necessarily because they feel like sex is the issue, but there's other issues. And you can tell like they haven't had sex in a long time. And most of the time, you know, there's this dynamic of like, you know, a husband who's bitter because sex isn't happening. But. And so he's not being kind to his wife. Right. And he's not being, you know, he's not meeting her need of connection through communication and through non sexual affection and things like that. And, and then there's a wife who doesn't really want to have sex because she feels unloved and uncherished by her husband. And like he doesn't even want to talk to her. Like all he cares about is sex. But the thing about it is when sex isn't happening, it becomes the thing that it appears like all he cares about. Right. And so it's like this cyclical thing where both parties aren't wrong. Like there's needs, real, legitimate, real needs on both sides. Right.

Real hurts on both sides.

Yeah.

And, and it takes both people really being willing to serve the other. And not just in terms of sex. I'm saying, like as a whole in marriage, it takes two people with that servant mindset. Like, I want to light my spouse's load, I want to serve, I want to help meet their needs, even if their needs are different than mine. And I want to serve their needs, I want to know them.

Yeah.

And I want to be willing to meet their need, even if I feel like my own needs aren't being met the way I want them to be met. Because when we're score keeping in marriage, it's like, well, you know, sex isn't that important to me. It is to my spouse, but communication is important to me and it's not to my spouse. And if he's not going to communicate with me, then I'm not going to have sex with him. Or it could be any, you could substitute any other kind of need in those boxes for communication and sex. And when we're feeling like our needs aren't being met, selfishly, we think, well then why am I motivated to meet their needs? And instead we need to have the mentality of like, you know what, I want to let my spouse know what my needs are. I want to communicate that clearly, not in a nagging way, not in an aggressive way, but in a clear and consistent way that, listen, I need this. And you're the only Place where I can have that need met. I want to connect with you in that way. But even while I'm waiting on them to come around, I still want to do my part to meet their needs and count it a privilege in marriage. Not a chore not to do it resentfully, but to count it a privilege to meet my spouse's needs, whatever those needs might be.

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Wow.

True. And I think, though, where it gets a little complicated and where I hear some especially, you know, maybe wives who be kind, who've become cut off sexually, like, they. They've kind of emotionally cut themselves off from their husband, and so therefore they. They don't really. Maybe they. They're not having sex, or maybe they're going through the motions, but they are not allowing their emotions to go through it. You know what I'm saying? Like, they're physically having sex with their husband, but they're, like, really detaching emotionally. I think that sometimes women, I've heard them say this, they're like, you know, my husband, all I'm asking him to do is talk to me, but he's asking me to, like, give my full body to him. And I think as women, what we need to rem. It really goes both ways, you know what I'm saying? Like, it takes both, because intimacy starts with the conversation and bearing your soul through your communication and through those deep things within your heart and your mind. Right. And then in the same way, you know, your body, you know, you're giving yourself physically to your spouse. And so it takes both of those things. But I think that's what I hear. A lot of wives, you know, you've heard that before.

Oh, yeah. And I get it. I fully get it, because I'm not, you know, a woman.

Yeah. But I get you're a man giving your body. You know what I'm saying? But I think men view that differently. I don't know why that is. You guys seem like men don't even think about that.

I don't think we do. I think it's just like, I mean.

You'Re Looking at me like, well, that's the first time I've even considered.

Never thought of that. I'm just like, this feels good. I want to do it.

I mean, but as women, just in the way. I mean, we're wired. It's such a. I mean, we are not to get too technical. We're receiving, but we're also giving, you know, and you are receiving and giving as well. But I don't even think you think about that, do you?

Well, I am now. I'm thinking about it a lot.

I'm saying though, that we need to think about what the other partner is thinking about. So our producer's laughing over here.

What are you guys thinking about right now? Let's.

But speaking of that, that's something too. We're going to talk about this more. But to talk or not talk during sex.

Yeah.

Some are fans, some are not.

You know, and sometimes the non verbals go a long way. Sometimes the sounds.

Some are fans of sounds, some are not.

Yeah, let's talk about it.

Okay. What do you think?

I love sounds. I love a soundtrack of.

A soundtrack.

A soundtrack of delightful expressive expression of the delight, enthusiasm of.

Right.

Just how enjoyable it is when you have kids, though.

Guys, watch your sounds.

No. What? See, he's like, let him know it's our house. I mean, I think it sounds.

You're making this personal.

I think sounds help. Let somebody. It's kind of like, oh, my gosh, you know, if you're at a. If you're at like a concert or any kind of, you know, performance.

This is not a concert. I don't have an audience here. Yeah, this is. No, but I'm saying it's you, me and God happen in there.

But you're letting these people. But if you. Even for like a concert or people you don't even know, want to let them know audibly. Hey, I appreciate. I appreciate what you're doing.

So you want applause is what you're saying.

I want verbal applause.

Oh, my gosh.

Words of affirmation or even sounds.

For some reason I have Lady Gaga that. Applause, applause.

Or even just, you know, sounds. Sounds of delight and affirmation.

Sounds of delight.

Even if.

Let me tell you though, you know what can really make that go, like not feel like a good thing. Cause I get this. Like there's different schools of thought on this. For some people, it's really a huge turn on. For others, maybe it's distracting. But I feel like if you've ever had a parent, you know, like you just had A moment, you were trying to be quiet. You're staying at your parents house. You open the door and there's your dad. That'll ruin it for you.

Right? And that happened to us real fast. Like probably, I don't know. We'd been married.

This is probably three years ago.

We were like, you know, teenagers sneaking downstairs. We were married people staying in their house. It's part of the reason why we don't stay in their house anymore.

I can't.

No, but we were down there. It felt private.

You don't even care.

I do not care.

But you're like anywhere.

We were having a. And.

It had been a stressful week because, you guys know, holidays, family, as much as you love your family and they're so gracious to let you stay in their home.

So this is my favorite part.

Everybody's uncomfortable.

Stress relief, among many other things. And so we were trying to be quiet, which is, you know, difficult for me totally. Because I just am an expressive individual.

This is tmi. This is a little too far, honey.

Well, you're the one that brought it up. You did. You wanted to talk about it with your dad.

Well, okay.

So, yeah, so like there was.

But you were fairly. You were fairly quiet.

There was some muffled noises.

Oh, my gosh.

And I won't try to recreate them.

Please don't.

Please don't. Yeah, but there were some. Some noises that were probably unmistakable.

No, I'm pretty sure most human beings would know what that noise is. Yeah, yeah. So we walk out of the door.

And your dad's like.

And he was getting something out of a closet that's near that bedroom or whatever.

Hey, Ashley.

Or if you've had a moment and you think your kids are upstairs and suddenly. No, they're right there by your bedroom and there's. Yeah, so that's what I'm saying. I think throughout the seasons of marriage, it can change whether you want the noises, whether or not. So, like. And then the talking. We were talking about talking. So some people like to have a conversation.

No, not a conversation. No.

Well, like a little bit of one. Like a little bit. And others it's like, very distracting. So you have to talk about this with your spouse. Maybe not in the moment, but. Yeah, because for some people, talking is disarming. Like, it kind of makes it not awkward. Because I think sometimes going from one moment to, like, shifting to romance can be awkward.

Well, you can't lose your sense of humor in the bedroom. You have to be able to laugh and enjoy and be playful. But you also. You want to be focused also.

Exactly. So another thing is, do you have music on? Do you have a show on in the background? Because sometimes, because you have kids in the house, maybe you put on Seinfeld just because it's in the background, but then there's some weird scene where it's funny and you're in the midst of the moment, and you're like, that was funny. And that could ruin the moment. So.

Right.

You have to think about these things.

Yeah. And if you're watching a show like that, that has, like, you know, laugh track, live audience, there are applause sometimes, which makes you feel good.

Oh, my gosh.

It's like, all right, that's. For me. I'm just kidding.

That's creepy.

I'm just giving that creepy real fast.

No, and I think, too, honestly, I mean, some people like the whole music thing, like, sometimes to get your mind off, like. Cause I've tried to explain to Dave, and I think this is where most men and women are different, too. Is. And you've heard, like, the whole, like, you know, women are, you know, like ovens, and men are like microwaves. Like, meaning, like, men can be in the mood a lot faster than most women can.

Right. Get hot instantly.

Right.

Like, you're like, women can stay. It takes them longer to warm up, but then they can stay hot for a long time.

Right?

Because, man, like, once the ding goes off in the microwave, then you're cold again, and it takes a while before, you know, the microwave is ready.

That's right. That's true.

It takes a while for the preheating. Takes longer. But then once it's hot, that oven can stay hot longer. So that's how God wired us up, and we need to just.

It is. But I was gonna say, like, I know over the years, I've, you know, in just talking about sex, which is important, I've explained to Dave, like, for me, going from. Especially when I was staying with the kids, going from mom mode to romance mode was very hard. That shift is a big. I mean, I'm doing a U turn here. Like, I'm really just, you know, it's like, give me a moment. Because it takes my mind. It's not just my body, it's my mind. Like, it has to be in sync here. And I think that for men, you guys are much. You can detach, excuse me, from work much easier. Because a lot of times men see sexist stress relief, whereas women. Not necessarily. Now, some women do. I've heard some women say, like, they can make that switch a little quicker. But most women I talk to, it takes time. And what do I mean by that? It means, like, give them a moment. Like sit down, have a conversation, rub her feet, rub her back. Just really look into each other's eyes. And then have foreplay. Have something that you're building up to so it's not just this jarring change. And then, you know, but she might surprise you sometimes and be ready for it. I don't know. I mean, I think too, as women, we can prepare ourselves mentally. Like you put the kids to bed and you just, you know, you call, you know, text back and forth with your spouse and get that romance ramping up and get your mind kind of there, you know, I think it just takes. It takes us being intentional to mentally prepare for this, you know?

I agree.

Yeah.

And we're gonna talk about it. We will. For the next 13 days.

That's right. So, like, what are those things? You know, today, if you're, you know, you and your spouse, a lot of you listening and watching, will do this separately and then come back together and talk about it. You know, today I just would challenge you to talk about, just to start the conversation about sex this week, say, like, what do we want to get out of this 14 day, you know, listening to the naked marriage talk about sex? What are some questions you have? Like, write them down and hopefully we're gonna cover them. But even if not, you can write us aveandashleywillis on Instagram if you want us to cover something. Cause we can.

Yeah, we love hearing from you.

Yeah. And also, you know, just really talk about, like, do we like music in the background? Is there, you know, when I say show too. Make no mistake, there's no room for pornography or anything in that room.

Of course, if you're new to this.

Podcast, porn is not something that's going to enhance your marriage. It's not good for you in the Bible. It's lusting and it's not good for you. There's no place for pornography in marriage. But I know just to have something in the background, sometimes you just need that for your. There's people in your house and I think that's the practical thing. Or do you like it quiet? Do you want candlelight? Do you like to talk to each other during it? I mean, maybe you all have never talked about this. Maybe you've never said, you know, I find it really distracting when you talk to me. Not because I don't love hearing your voice, but I'm So in the mode. You know what I'm saying? Just talk through these things. And I think.

Yeah. And don't be offended that your spouse is different. Just hear them out and make it an optimal environment for both of you. We've got a couple resources before we go we want to remind you about. One is the free resource, the link in the show notes that we've made available just for you guys as our listeners.

Free gift.

Free gift. If you want a more robust resource, I encourage you to get our book, the Counterfeit Climax, which is all about sex. It includes some really helpful conversation guides and also just help to not fall into kind of the world's counterfeit versions of sex when God's plan is so awesome. And whatever your situation, whatever your hangups or your baggage or your insecurities, your sex life can thrive if you do it God's way. And that book is a resource to help you get there. So check that out as well and stay tuned over the next couple weeks. We rarely do daily episodes. Yeah. But we're starting the year off strong. We want this to be your best year of marriage and specifically your best year of sex yet. So we will see you tomorrow.

Bye.

Bye.