Thankfulness in Marriage

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Hey, guys, this is Dave and Ashley Willis with the Naked Marriage podcast. And you guys, I cannot believe it is episode 8. Eight episodes already and it's gone by Thanksgiving week.

Where has the time gone? And if you're listening to this later and it's not Thanksgiving, still listen. Yes, gratitude is a year round thing, but I just can't believe where the time has gone.

I know. And so speaking of gratitude, we're going to be talking about gratitude in marriage.

That's right.

Specifically.

And it'll change your marriage in ways that you will not expect. And so, sweetie, I'm so thankful for you. By the way, today and every day.

Every day.

One quick announcement before we dive in. Our new book, the Naked Marriage. That's right. It's called the same thing as the podcast. Just to keep it interesting. The Naked Marriage is available for pre order, but when you pre order, you don't just have to wait for it to come out because you will get instant access to a download of our book, the Naked Truth about Sex and a download of several of our conference videos, some of the favorite talks we've ever done around marriage. And then you'll be the first to get the Naked Marriage book when it comes out in February. We are so excited to share this resource with you. Thank you guys for the podcast, for listening, for subscribing, for sharing. So let's dive in today talking about gratitude.

Yes. And if you want the Naked Marriage book, be sure to go to nakedmarriagebook.com.

You always remember the important stuff. Nakedmarriagebook.com or you can also get it on Amazon. I'm so thankful for my wife who remembers all the stuff that I forget.

Let's dive into thankfulness.

I love Thanksgiving week. I love it. The food, the football, not so much the shopping. I can do that online.

I love the shopping.

I know you love the shopping, but yeah, it's just. It's the week of gratitude. It's a week of family. And maybe, of course, you're listening to this right now. And it's not Thanksgiving week because you're listening to this anytime. And whenever you listen, though, I think having an attitude of gratitude isn't just a once a year holiday. It's something that should really carry us through all year round. I'm telling you, the happiest people, the happiest marriages are filled with gratitude. And people that don't have it, they're walking around without, without joy that could be theirs.

It's so true, you know, I mean, how we wake up in the morning and what we think about, you know, if we have a dread of the day, if we're like, oh, there's all this stuff on my list and I, I'm just so dreading this and that. We're gonna have a bad day. We're like setting ourselves up for a bad day. But if we rise in the morning, we say, thank you, God, for this new day. I am so thankful for my spouse, I'm so thankful for my kids. I'm so thankful for my job. I mean, we're gonna have an amazing day just because we approach the day with gratitude. And I think when it comes to marriage, gratitude is even more important. And it's even more important the longer you're married. Because I think we have this tendency, the longer we're married, the less we kind of have this heart of gratitude towards our spouse.

Yeah. And I don't know why that is. Like, why would we take each other for granted? I think with every season of marriage, I, we should be more thankful because when you're dating, you know, you're so polite to each other.

I know.

Please. Thank you.

You're so sweet.

Oh, just thank you so much. You know, it's all these thank yous. And then the more, the longer you're together, it's easy maybe, I guess, to get out of the habit of showing that common courtesy to one another.

Right.

And we'll go through our days and we'll show courtesy to strangers and to co workers, and then we'll get home and we'll have nothing left to give to our spouse. And so don't give your spouse your leftovers. Give, give them the best of yourself. Never stop saying things like, man, I just, I so appreciate it when you do this. Thank you so much for doing that. Don't take it for granted. Don't say, well, I shouldn't have to thank him. You know, I'm doing a lot of stuff too. And start keeping score. When you start keeping score in your marriage, both of you are going to lose. But when you have this attitude of gratitude instead of just entitlement or Whatever it is that you're feeling instead, man, it makes all the difference.

It does. You know, I think how we get out of the habit of having gratitude, you know, towards our spouse and telling them thank you, is that we kind of, over the years, see ourselves as experts in all of their shortcomings instead of seeing ourselves as experts in all of their strengths. And so what we do is we focus on every shortcoming. And if you're going through a rough season in your marriage, because that's usually where that leads. If you're focusing on the shortcomings and you're having that negative thought process kind of going through your mind all the time, that's it's leading to problems in marriage. And so if you find yourself kind of in the midst of a rough season where you're. Where you feel like all you do is fight, and it's like you eat your sandpaper, rubbing each other the wrong way all the time, and you feel like you can never say the right thing. Your spouse can never say the right thing. And so then maybe you even stop talking, and it's like silence is deafening to you. You know, that's when we can't even see something to be thankful for, because, you know, we'll be sitting down with a couple who is in crisis, and we hear the spouses say that they'll be like, well, I would be thankful, but I mean, I. Honestly, if he was doing anything, I just have nothing to be thankful.

If she was doing anything worth.

Right?

It's like, come on, guys.

And it's so toxic. And I'm telling you. And it. Sometimes it really takes going against our feelings. I think the reason we get caught up in this is we feel a certain way, and we're like, well, I feel like he's not really doing what he should be doing. And so I'm not thankful for any part of him, you know, because we see that one negative thing and we let it take over. And so we can't see any of the good things that are there as well, you know, that are there. But we can't see him, because the negativity we have going on in our minds all the time against our spouse is taking over. But, you know, if you. If you wake up in the morning and you think about just one thing you're thankful for when it comes to your spouse, and then you verbalize that to him or to her, it's gonna change the dynamic. And honestly, they may not. If you're in a rough season, they won't see it coming and they're kind of gonna be like, taken back because they're like, wait a minute, this is different. Something's different.

It is so disarming. I'm telling you, showing genuine gratitude is the most disarming peace building thing you can do in your marriage. Because it's almost impossible to be mad at someone who is showing you gratitude.

Yeah.

I mean, if it's a genuine thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to do that or you always do this and I don't thank you enough for this, but it means so much, man. Those words can just breathe life into your marriage. I mean, you might be in the bedroom two minutes later, you don't know where it's going to be.

I know. You just never know.

But show that attitude of gratitude. And I really feel like if there was warning lights on the dashboard of your marriage. I've driven old cars a lot, so I use the analogy I have to pay attention to the warning lights that pop up on the dashboard because it could mean that I'm going to break down if I don't get this fixed. I feel like there are some warning lights on the dashboard of a marriage, and one of them is a lack of gratitude. It's kind of like if it's E for empty on the fuel tank of how often gratitude is being shown, how often thank you is being said, that's a real danger zone that that marriage is going to run out of gas in other areas as well.

So true.

And so, guys, this is so simple. You might be thinking like, this is just common sense. I can't believe you're even devoting an episode to talking about gratitude. And it's not just because it's Thanksgiving week and we don't have other things to talk about. We can talk about plenty on Thanksgiving week. But I feel like as a culture, as a society, we've lost sight of the value of showing gratitude, of having gratitude, of just being thankful. And because we feel so entitled, like we the opposite of thankfulness and gratitude is entitlement. And it's when like, well, I'm owed this, and because I'm owed this, I have to go and claim it. And if I don't have it, I'm going to just punish whoever's not giving it to me instead of feeling like, you know what? I'm not owed anything and everything in my life is a gift. You can look at your life as everything is a gift or nothing is a gift. Look at it that everything is a gift. God's Given you life. The breath that you're breathing right now is a gift from God. You're not entitled to it. Neither am I. And so every breath is a gift, every moment is a gift, and every. Everything your spouse does in a positive way. Treat that as a gift, and your marriage will start feeling more like a gift.

It's so true. You know, I think real gratitude starts with us first thanking God because he is the creator of us. He's the creator of everything and the provider, you know, he's the one who gives us our families. He's the one who gives us our breath, the breath we're breathing through our lungs right now, you know, and so we need to start with thanking him. And I think when we start the day by thanking God, we're gonna have more of a capacity to thank our spouse because we're just, you know, heading towards the day with thankfulness. And I know, you know, there's. There's even been some different challenges that I've seen kind of put out online where they talk about, you know, spending. Especially around Thanksgiving, people do, like, a hundred days of gratitude, and they'll on Facebook, you know, put a picture and be like, I'm thankful for this, or whatever. And, you know, what's sad about this is I don't always see people thinking, you know, thanking God for their spouses. And I think a lot of times we hold back because maybe we're not getting thankfulness from our spouse, and we don't feel like our spouse ever thanks us for anything. And so we're kind of, you know, have a hard heart towards them. But I just want to challenge you if that's you. If you've kind of even had that line of thinking going on in your mind, and you're. And you're like, I'm holding back. I'm holding back thankfulness because he hasn't thanked me in a long time. I just want to say, listen, you be the first. You know, you be the bigger person and start this. This. Let thankfulness and gratitude just go freely through your home. And it can start with you. And you have to be the one to put your feelings aside for the moment and offer some gratitude. And it doesn't even have to be revolutionary. It could be for the simplest thing, like, thanks for making coffee this morning, or, you know, thanks for picking that up off the floor. I know for Dave, for years, I can't even think about how many years, but he has kind of made it his mission to get to put gas in my car. But it didn't start with him just being like, I want to do this nice thing for Ashley. It started because I was irresponsible and would not put gas in the car.

I wasn't going to say anything.

I know.

I saw his face.

He was like, well, but, you know, instead of getting mad at me and being like, why do you let your.

Car almost be on the refueling and recharging things?

I'm not good at refueling and recharging. It's not.

My phone would be dead. Your car would be empty.

It would.

So please, if I ever die, and I please immediately check on Ashley, because her car will be out of gas, her phone will be dead. And. No, but I. It's a joy for me. At first, it wasn't. At first, it was like, why won't you just take care of this? But then I said, you know what? Instead of being frustrated about this, this is an opportunity to serve and an opportunity to serve. And once I flipped my thinking to that, this is an opportunity to serve my spouse, then now I find he.

Just does it all the time. And I. Let me tell you all, if I don't. If I forget to thank him, I always try to make a point to thank him. And I'm thanking him right now on this podcast. Thank you so much, sweetie. I love it, but it really. It really means so much for me. It really means a lot to me. It really means a lot to me, and I. It's something that is one less thing for me to do. And I know, you know, I'll get in the car and literally not even realize that he filled it up. And I'm just always so thankful. And I think that we need to be willing.

You fill my love tank. I don't even know what that means, but you do.

Oh, that's great. But, you know, we need to find ways to serve each other, and we also need to find ways to thank each other. And when both the husband and the wife are constantly thinking, how can I serve my spouse? And how can I thank my spouse? When we think that every day, if we make that our mission, even if it's just one thing, your marriage will be stronger than ever. And it could be as simple as that. And I know you could be in the worst moment of your marriage right now, and you're like, we are hanging on by a thread. You know, we're just falling apart right now. I want to challenge you. Find one thing to be thankful for and find one way to serve your spouse. And it might even be as Easy as. Like, sweetie, what can I do to help you today? Because you may not know how to serve your spouse at this moment. Even if it's like, the littlest thing, like, could you go get bread from the store? I mean, it could be, like, the smallest thing, but even just being conscientious and being thoughtful, it goes a long way. And, you know, I know again, Dave said this might be like, well, yeah, of course you need to be thankful, but, guys, so many couples struggle with this. And we have, you know, at different times, it's so easy to go on autopilot and think that everything's fine, and before you know it, you're barely talking. You're certainly not thanking each other, and you can't think of the last time your spouse asked if they could help you with anything.

Yeah, and that's. That's the danger. That's what happens when there's not gratitude.

Yes.

Because not showing gratitude is really the first step in a long line of just completely drifting apart. And we think, well, I'm. I just. I'm not going to thank him for that. He should be doing that anyway. He should be doing more than that. He should be doing a lot more than that.

You know what I hear a lot of times from women, from, like, friends of mine, different women I come in contact with, I'll be like, well, he's a big boy. He should know. He should do that. I mean, they say that all the time. And maybe men have a way. She's a grown woman. She should do this. And when we start using shoulds, ooh, that's bad. Like, we can't be. He should, she should. I mean, that's just. It's just really kind of a breeding ground for resentment.

And it is. And what it does is it creates this toxic, misguided pride where you start feeling like, I don't need them anyway.

I can do this on my own.

I can do this on my own. They're complicating my life. I actually could do more without them. And the lack of gratitude starts you down a road that leads to that kind of thinking, and then that kind of thinking ultimately leads to divorce. And that's just. That's never the right path. Right. Especially when it just unravels over these silly, misguided issues of pride, when just showing gratitude to one another is kind of an antidote for that.

Yeah. Because when we're not showing gratitude, we're keeping score. So it's like in your marriage, if you have not thanked your spouse in a long time, you're probably keeping score with each other. And you all, that. That is just toxic. And I'm sure you all have witnessed it. Like, we've been around different couples in our life where you can sense the tension and you can sense the keeping score. And they constantly are trying to, you know, outrun each other when it comes to whatever they do around the house or however much money they're bringing home or how they're raising the kids, you know, who's doing a better job being a parent. And it just breaks my heart when I'm around that. And I will tell you, I can tell you with certainty that there is no gratitude being expressed between them. And that's how they've fallen into this tit for tat, you know, kind of mentality. And you all, it's just. It will not lead anywhere good. It only gives you more distance between each other. And so I want to tell you, if you are in that kind of dynamic with your spouse, there is hope for you, but it needs. But that hope really begins with you, you know, thanking God for your spouse first and foremost, and then finding something to be thankful for when it comes to your spouse and expressing that gratitude. And when you do that, I'm telling you, it's like you're reversing the cycle that you guys are currently in and you're going to get on a healthier cycle in your marriage. You're going to start having healthier communication. You're going to start having more love expressed between the two of you. Because when we are trying to just outrun each other and keeping score, our hearts are very hardened. Yes, but, you know, God can soften your heart, but you have to kind of get over your feelings for a moment, even if they're totally legit, like. And I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, please don't get me wrong here. You may have every right. Maybe your spouse completely wronged you. You have every right to be upset. You have every right to just kind of be feeling the way you're feeling. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, but I'm saying don't let your feelings dictate your actions. Try to rise above those feelings. And you can, with God's help, and say, God, thank you for my marriage. I'm really struggling right now. I'm so mad at my spouse right now. But help me to find something to be thankful for when it comes to my spouse and give me the strength to overcome my feelings and express that to them so there can Be this olive branch between us.

That's so true. Because like Ashley said, there are times when your spouse, maybe they blew it, they've blown it, and they're just kind of. They seem to be content with not doing much of anything at all. Right.

And that's a rough place to be.

That's a rough place to be. And so we don't want to be dismissive of your feelings, like Ashley said. I mean, we sympathize. Like, our hearts ache with you when you feel like you're trying to carry so much of the weight of this marriage on your own shoulders. But at the same time, what we would challenge you to do, even in those moments, is to look for something to praise, because chances are you've already communicated everything that you want your spouse to do that they're not doing. Like, he's heard it, she's heard it. But maybe if you just say, lord, help me. Help me find something to praise. Help me find something, Something to show gratitude for that, that could be the olive branch. Like Ashley said, that could be what starts things down a new direction and starts helping your spouse to kind of break out of their own pride or indifference or whatever it is that's kind of made them in that cycle that they're in. Your gratitude could help turn things around.

You know, we can't change our spouse. I know so many of us wish we could. We can't. It's like, oh, it can be so frustrating, especially when they have, you know, when they're maybe having behaviors that are completely unhealthy, and they are really causing a lot of strife in your marriage, and you can't change them. But what you can do is respond differently and respond in such a way where you're water to the fire instead of gasoline, because it's so easy for us to just, like, put some gasoline on there with our angry words and with our accusations, and it just makes things worse. But God can give us the power to put water on that fire. And when we can put out the fire that's going on between us and we can, you know, bring more peace to the situation, that's when the real healing begins.

Yes. Gosh, that's so good. Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers. And I feel like in your marriage, if you want that blessing in your marriage, make it your mission to be a peacemaker. And a peacemaker doesn't mean you put your head in the sand and pretend like issues are not there. Because Jesus also, he was willing to boldly confront sin. And I think There are times in your marriage when there's outright sin going on. That's something that needs to be boldly confronted. But let your first instinct to be an encourager and to be a peacemaker to say, like, what can I do to build a bridge here instead of burning a bridge here? What can I do to speak kindness and encouragement instead of criticism or nagging. And if you'll take that attitude, I think you'll experience the blessing of not having that bitterness or that hardness of heart. And your marriage will experience the blessing from having this atmosphere where there's peace.

It's so true. And you know a great way to do that. He was talking about having kindness and having peace is by starting with having gratitude.

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And just being thankful. You know, as we were talking about Thanksgiving and I am such a huge fan of Thanksgiving too, it's just like to me, I see Thanksgiving is like the start of the Christmas season. You know, it's kind of that start of the Christmas season.

I love it. And it's less pressure because there are things less pressure. You just eat and hang out. You just hang out and it's my favorite things.

It's so great. I know.

I love it. Play football, hang out with family, eat way too much. It's just, it's God's holiday.

It is. It's a wonderful holiday and it is, you know, full of thankfulness. But sadly, I think a lot of us, you know, many of us are going to be traveling and seeing our families. And if you have kids and you're traveling a long way, it can really kind of cause a lot of strife between a husband and Wife and their kids.

Right.

And so, you know, that's a time more than any other time where we really need to be thankful and we need to really think specifically what we're thankful for because if not, we can really allow negativity and dread to take hold. And you know, some of you are maybe walking into some situations where you have, you know, a really unhealthy kind of toxic dynamic in your extended family and you, and you dread going there because they cause, you know, maybe you and your spouse to fight more because it's an environment that you've really been trying to get, you know, to not have the same cycle in your own family. But you're walking into that because you still, you know, you love your family, you want to be around your family, but it's hard to be around them. That can really cause, you know, a lot of issues between a husband and a wife. And, and it can really squash the thankfulness that we have sometimes if we're not careful.

That's so true. And I think if you are going into those situations and even if you've got a healthy dynamic, it's stressful, it.

Can still be stressful even if you're excited.

We love our families, we love both sides of our families. But I'm stressed out thinking about driving 14 hours with our dogs, with four children and a dog each direction and then staying in places that aren't our own, being out of our routine and.

And trying to not mess up our parents house like from our kids and the dog. And we want to be respectful. And so even if you're excited and you do have a healthy, you know, family dynamic, like Dave said, it can still be really stressful just because of the realities of staying somewhere that's not your house.

That's, that's absolutely true. And then if you add the additional element of like you're going home and you know, mom's an alcoholic or you know, oh, I can't stand being around my father in law or whatever it is, whatever your thing is, man, that can just add so much pressure and stress and it can tempt you to try to cope in unhealthy ways by just completely escaping or by just trying to get drunk and numbing yourself or trying to self medicate in other ways which are unhealthy, obviously. And so what we want to encourage you to do is to just kind of prepare your mind and heart for that by spending extra time with the Lord this week, spend that extra time, wake up early in that attitude of gratitude reading his word be saying, lord, just direct my thoughts and my actions and my words today. Please help me, Lord, to be a reflection of you and your goodness in my life. I know that you're going with me into the situation. I know there are going to be some stressful moments, but I just pray there'd be joyful moments and memories along the way. Help me to do my part to help cultivate those positive memories. And when I'm feeling myself going down that negative direction, God, just give me the strength to rise above it. And if you'll be intentional in that way, it's. I'm not saying it's going to go from being hard to being easy, but you'll be able to get through it with a different attitude.

You know, it's so true. And I will say Thanksgiving, especially if you are going to visit your extended family, it's a wonderful time to show them thankfulness. It's a wonderful time to show gratitude to your parents and to show gratitude to your siblings and your aunts and uncles and just, you know, it really, especially if it hasn't been said in a long time. Because I do think if there's distance there and you don't always even get to hang around each other, what a better time to share that with each other. And it just, it just kicks off that Christmas season the right way? I mean, we need to be, you know, we're celebrating the birth of Christ. We're getting ready to have the best holiday I think there is out there. And what more to be thankful for, you know, I mean, we're so thankful that God sent his one only son to earth just so that. That we could have full lives, that we could be forgiven. And that's awesome. So why not kick off this season with Thanksgiving by being thankful for the family that God has given you, for both the family with your husband or your wife and your kids, but also for your extended family, even if there are some hard moments. Because you know, guys, the honest truth is there are no perfect families out there, because there are clearly no perfect people out there.

That's right.

So even as wonderful as your family is, there's always, you know, something, maybe some issue that may have gone on or is going on. And even in spite of it all, you know, God, God has given us blessings within our family. There are good things that you can cling to and be thankful for there. And so I think it's a great opportunity to verbalize that.

Man, that's good. And Jesus has given us the example, like Ashley Said, this is what we're celebrating. He gave us his best when we were at our worst. Yes, he gave his very life for us while we were still sinners. In our worst moment, he loved us enough to give his life and by his example and by his spirit and presence within us, guiding us. That's what can supernaturally give you the strength to show gratitude and to show grace, even in those moments when it's difficult. And so don't feel like you have to do it in your own strength. The Bible says I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. We try to do all things in our own strength is when we get in trouble. But when you invite him into the picture to say, lord, I need to lean on you right now. I need your strength now more than ever. He's going to help you not only show gratitude in your marriage, but he's going to help you find that peace and strength for every aspect of your life.

I would even venture to say, those of you who have kids, take an opportunity to also show gratitude to your kids. You know, I think sometimes as a mom, I can be really busy. And our kids all have chores. We actually. We try different ways of doing chores, and they do have certain chores they do throughout the week, like emptying the dishwasher and things like that. But we save chores for now. It used to be Sunday, but it's Saturday now, so we call it chore day. And we literally clean the house from top to bottom, and everybody helps. And it's my favorite day of the week. It is, like, everyone else's least favorite day.

Yes, I will agree with that.

But I'm literally like, on cloud nine. The whole day, I'm like, it's getting clean. And so, you know, but during that, I used to. I would. In the midst of just being busy, I would forget to thank them. And I remember one time our son was like, mom, you have not even thanked me for making my bed or whatever. And my first response was like, well, you should. And I stopped myself because that whole, you should be doing this, just like with our spouse, you know, it's the same way. It's pretty toxic to our kids. And so I've had to stop myself from doing that. I'm like, you know what? Even though this is something we regularly do, I am thankful that you're doing it. And you know what? You're getting even better at it every time you do it. Thank you so much. And what I'll notice is the more gratitude I give to my kids and for even things that they're supposed to do anyway, the more I'll find them doing things that they on their own that they weren't supposed to do.

A little bit of praise that fuels somebody.

Yes, way more than criticism. More so. I mean, you'll see that in your kids. But even in the same way, it's the same exact thing with your spouse, you'll see your spouse change. When you thank your spouse even for the smallest thing that maybe they do on a regular basis, you will really see a change in how they approach you and you'll see how you start to see your spouse will change because you're going to see them from more of a place of thankfulness.

Man, it's so good. That's so good. Not just Thanksgiving week, guys, but all the time. All the time. And I'm telling you, you will bring more joy and more peace to your marriage and into your home. And we wish you guys a happy Thanksgiving, but also a year round lifelong spirit of gratitude and peace in your marriage. We wanna leave you guys with a few next steps. Number one, thank you. Just thank you for taking the time to listen to this podcast. We've loved your feedback, we've loved your comments. We're appreciative for you listening for you, subscribing for you leaving a review, especially the positive ones. And it's been overwhelmingly positive.

It's been amazing.

You're so humble. We wanna invite you to also check out, subscribe and listen to two other podcasts that are part of the Marriage Today family. The first one is simply called Marriage Today. And Marriage Today has some great teaching from Jimmy Evans and others who are connected to this ministry from conference sessions and from a lot of different avenues. Check out Marriage Today. It's just a wonderful resource. The second one is the XO podcast hosted by our dear friend Brent Evans, president of Marriage Today. That podcast has kind of been on a break for a while, but it is back and better than ever.

That's right.

So you check out the XO podcast. First new episode up. Brent interviewing his dad, Jimmy Evans. A great one you're not going to want to miss. So check those out, give them all a subscription review. Share the word together. We're helping get the message out so we can build stronger marriages.

That's right. And guys, thanks again for joining us. We hope that you'll join us next time.