The In-Law Holiday Dilemma

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Visit burlington.com coats for details. Foreign hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we have a really good episode for you today. And happy Thanksgiving to all of our American friends out there. But we're going to talk about some of the hard parts of Thanksgiving when it comes to family dynamics. But before we dive into that, I want to share another review with you. This one is from Roberts 48. It's entitled Wish this podcast was around years ago and this person gave us five stars. So thank you. Says I just learned about this podcast in July 2021. I started all the way back on the very first episode and have made it up to March 2020. Yes, I'm obsessed. I've been married 27 years and my husband and I have four girls. The things Dave and Ashley talk about are spot on. Some of our struggles would have been easier if I had had this podcast to listen to all these years. I have loved every episode and even though we aren't newlyweds, the practical and thoughtful advice still helps me want to be a better wife and mom. Thank you and please keep going.

Wow.

Goodness.

It makes our day to hear that.

Awesome.

That's. That's amazing. Four daughters, we've got four sons.

Yeah. You know, can arrange something.

I know. Yeah, no, that's. That's wonderful. Thank you for sharing that encouragement with us. And we share these reviews.

You think?

Why are they reading their own reviews like we read them and we share them? One, because it's so encouraging to us, but two, to encourage you to leave reviews because when you do, it helps other people discover this podcast. In fact, it's probably the best way that you can join with us in helping other people discover the important messages that we talk about on this podcast. And today we've got one of those important messages as we're heading into Thanksgiving. And the in law tension, family dynamic tension can really put pressure on a marriage at this time of year more than ever. And we want to help not only save the holiday for you, but help strengthen your marriage not only during the holidays, but all year round and stick around to the end because we've got a great question for our Q and A time and you're not going to want to miss it. So let's dive in.

Well, Happy Thanksgiving to all of our American listeners. You know, we love this week when we get to thank God for all the blessings in our life. And, you know, it often involves getting with family, which is wonderful and one of the biggest blessings in our life. But with that can often come some complications. And so we are calling this episode the holiday in law dilemma because I think we all feel that many of us, sure, when we're around family members that maybe we don't live around all the time or maybe we don't get to see all the time. And there's some, you know, there's some things we've kind of pushed under the rug and some, you know, unspoken passive aggressiveness going on and, or maybe, you know, that your in laws aren't necessarily keen on you and so you have to go to their house and it just feels awkward the whole time. We want to talk about how do we deal with that because it's, it can really cause a lot of friction in marriage.

Gosh, it really can. And we've heard from so many couples where this is the issue where like, their marriage is, is great most of the year, but then Thanksgiving week comes along, Christmas week comes along, and it is a pressure cooker because one is really uncomfortable at the other person's parents house, family's house, all those reasons that Ashley just listed. And then you have other dynamics where you're trying to split time with everybody, but there's no fair way to do it. And then some folks have the added complication of their own parents maybe being divorced and remarried and either extra sets of families to see. And you just feel like you're bouncing around like a pinball in a pinball machine. And you end up just disappointing everybody. And even if you're not actually disappointing them, it feels that way. Like you're exhausted, you're pouring out, you're trying to connect to everybody and you just can't. You know, we've lived away from home. We grew up in Kentucky. All of our family, both sides for the most part, are still in Kentucky. And we go home Thanksgiving week and when we do, it's like, it's so good to see everybody, but we're trying to do it all. Like we're trying to see everybody that we.

And toting four kids, toting around four kids.

It was so hard when the kids were really little. So we have a lot of compassion for those in that mode. But I know that feeling well where you're on the road, you're weary, you're exhausted, you're sleeping in a bed that's not your own, under somebody else's roof, trying to maintain your own kids and your own sanity and, and there's just so many different nuances. And then everybody's family has kind of a completely different set of culture, I guess, you know, different rules and different family culture.

Yeah.

And you're trying to adapt to all that on the fly sometimes. And then if you have any sort of tension with the people involved and almost everybody has somebody in the family or in the in laws that you just for whatever reason don't get along with or maybe there's kind of a history of hurt feelings and then you have to go in a little bit guarded because you think, I don't maybe fully trust this person or their motives. And, and that's exhausting.

Right.

And so we just want to have a little short conversation here on Thanksgiving week. Or if you're listening to this, you know, some other time. I think this can apply a lot of the other times of the year as well. But we feel it most around the holidays for sure to just give yourself and give your spouse a whole lot of grace and give your in laws a whole lot of grace as you walk into this. But also to have kind of some clear parameters and guidelines and even boundaries in place to protect everyone involved and to protect your own sanity.

So true. I think one of the first steps to kind of making this a more peaceful time for you and your spouse is to have frequent check ins. Like if you see that your spouse is looking a little bewildered or feeling stressed or having apprehension about being around certain family members, check in with them. Don't say, well, it's not bothering me. I've, you know, put on my big girl pants and I'm dealing with it. You deal with it. I mean that's not going to get us anywhere. We need to say, listen, this is hard. I have compassion for you because I know like this family member is super hard to deal with and I'm just, I know you're, you know, we're doing this because we love our family and we want to have a relationship with our family, but let's just own the fact that this is hard and then just keep on checking in throughout that time together because it's going to keep you guys connected. But it's Also going to keep you from making assumptions. It's also going to make you feel supported because you need each other's support. Now, number two, I think it's so important that you set the boundary that you will not allow your family member to talk negatively about your spouse, whether in private or around other family members, because that is toxic. We have seen this do great damage. Um, you know, we, we know what this is like on a personal level. We know what this is like for our friends and family. It, it just, it just creates so much friction. And, you know, it really takes the person whose family member is doing the talking to be the one to stand up to them in a loving way. But set that boundary, and if they don't respect it, let there be a consequence. And the consequence is you walking away or, and not like in a huffing and puffing kind of way, but saying, like I told you, this is not okay. I'm just going to have to walk away from this conversation because I don't stand for this and I love you, but I love my spouse too. And I, I'm going to stand up for my spouse here. And I know that you may not agree with me, but out of respect for me and our family, please, please don't talk about my spouse that way. And you could say, well, Ashley, if I did that, it would just be this huge fight. And I would say, take yourself out of the fight. You know, some people just fight because they love fighting, they love getting dirty. They love, you know, doing the fight and then crying afterwards and crying over just all the stuff. And I understand this and it's very dysfunctional, but you've got to, to stop the dysfunction. It's got to start with you and your spouse and so be willing to stand up for each other and put those boundaries in place and then keep those boundaries, which is the hardest thing.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

Because it's easier to just give up and say, well, for just this weekend, just deal with it. Just deal with it.

Well. And we, and I think we get to that place with good intentions and misunderstanding what being a peacemaker is, because we'll say, well, Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers and we need to be peacemakers. And he said, turn the other cheek. We need to let stuff roll off our back. And yeah, certainly everything Jesus said is completely true and accurate all the time, but I think taking those two bits out of context and then adding it to the fact that maybe you're a people pleaser by nature anyway, it creates a recipe for, for you to just be bullied. And for you to. In the attempt to make peace with this bully, you're actually destroying the peace in your own heart. You're destroying the peace in your own marriage, you're destroying the peace with your children. And God does not call us to do that. Jesus was never a doormat for anybody. He had a lot of grace. Obviously, he was full of grace and truth. But if all through the Gospels, people had an agenda for him and they'd be like, no, we need you to stay here longer. We need you to. No, don't go over there, that town yet. We need you to stay here and do this, or we need you to do. And Jesus, he was available to the people that needed him, like up to a point. But then he would put a firm boundary in place and say, no, now I've got to go off and be by myself and be with my father. I've got to go off and pray. No, I'm not going to stay here another day because I need to go over to this place. And he was so focused on the fact that I'm going to love people and serve people because I'm Jesus. That's what I'm about. But I'm not going to let my agenda be dictated by anybody else. And I'm not going to let my peace be dependent on trying to please all these people who are incapable of being pleased half the time. And in our families, I think we have to have that same mindset. I want to go in like Jesus. I want to be full of grace, full of love, full of compassion. I want to be as available as I can, but I want to have the wisdom and the common sense to know when to say, I need to do what Jesus did. I need to go get off by myself. I need to go off and pray. I. I need to not allow this person to dictate what I'm going to do tomorrow when I think that there's something else that's more important that I need to do, if it's the more fair thing for me to go spend time with these relatives over on this side who maybe aren't as demanding and so it's easier to push them off because this relative on the other side, they pitch a bigger fit when they don't get their way. And so I'm just going to appease the bully relative and never see these quieter relatives. Well, that's a sin. That's not being a peacemaker. That's giving into a bully at the expense of these other people. You're robbing these other people of that time. You're robbing yourself of that time. All in the, you know, all to appease this emotionally unstable person. And the more you give in to an emotionally unstable person's demands, the more they're going to demand. It's like when a screaming toddler screams and pitches a fit until you hand him candy. And you keep handing them candy, and they're gonna always pitch a fit every time they want candy. Cause they know that they're gonna get what they want. But when you start saying no, I don't respond to that kind of behavior. You can be upset, you can stomp around, and I love you, I care about you, but this isn't healthy. And it's not fair for you to dictate what every holiday is gonna look like at the expense of all of these other people who matter as well, just as much as you matter. And I can't give in, in a good conscience to just doing what you want to do because you're emotionally tied to controlling every aspect of my schedule. Some unhealthy people think love and control are the same thing. And they think, oh, well, if you really love me, you'll do what I say. And that's just messed up when you're an adult. I mean, when you're three years old, it's very narcissistic. It's very narcissistic. And. And listen, like, I get it, all right? Like, if I'm speaking with a little bit of edge to my voice right now, it's because I'm having. You know, I have had situations in our life, in our marriage, where I have lived these things that I'm talking about in a very painful and real way. And I didn't always respond the best way. I didn't always make the right decision. Sometimes I cowered. And in an attempt to be a peacemaker, not understanding the wisdom and maturity of having healthy boundaries, you know, I gave in to the demands of the loudest voice instead of doing what was best for everyone involved and protecting our own marriage in the process. And I. I'm sorry for that now. And we've grown a lot through that and. And gotten better.

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You know, thankfully, this was a long time ago for us. You know, we still have to navigate things, but I'm here to tell you there is hope. But it takes being so super intentional and sticking to your guns. But also, I want to say this. Sometimes we hear from people where they're like, well, what, you know, Dave and Ashley. What if I just don't even want to be around that family member? What if I let my spouse go, be with her family, but I just don't go because, you know, it just seems to cause a fight. I get upset, they get upset. Maybe I just don't go. And I would tell you there are very rare circumstances where I would encourage that dynamic. And here's why. Because in an effort to have family relationship, we sometimes have to show up when it's awkward. And being a peacemaker, I think that not showing up and avoiding it altogether is just not what we're called to do. I think whatever we can do, however, it depends on us, as it says in the Bible, to be at peace with people. And I think it takes. Being there and setting boundaries is so much better than just avoiding it altogether, because then you're. You're literally just missing out on knowing your spouse's family. And I just feel like that's really unhealthy. And again, I think that there are probably certain circumstances where maybe that is warranted, but most of the time, I would not encourage that. Would you, sweetie?

No. No. And like Ashley said, there. There are maybe rare circumstances where that. Very rare, that is the only option left after you've tried everything else to say, maybe at least temporarily so that you can continue a relationship with this person, that every time I'm around him, for whatever reason, there's conflict, then you go, and I'll stay back. But the goal is having a healthy relationship. And the goal is unity in your marriage where the two of you together, having a healthy relationship with all sides of the family. And we've had to work extra hard at that through the years, especially living away from our families. And we've had to make other sacrifices. We've got a lot of great friends back home in Kentucky that we barely or even never see because when we first moved away, every time we went back, we would try to see all these friends, plus all these family, and it was impossible and it was exhausting. And so over the years, we finally have gotten to a place where it's very, very rare for us to get with any friend. Even though we've got great friends, even.

Though we'd love to see them, we.

Would love to see. And if you're listening, we love you guys, man, we wish we could hang out more. We really, truly do. But we've just learned that for our own limited energy level and our own limited time that we've got to pretty much just focus on family. We're prioritizing our family, putting the priority there. Not because we don't love and value these other relationships, but because our time is so limited and we've had to make adjustments and sacrifices like that. But it's an ebb and flow. It's a learning process, you know, and you have to just keep communicating.

You do. You know, it makes me think of the movie Four Christmases that came out probably a decade ago, where I think a lot of people are in this dynamic where there's four different families, you know, because they have. They're from a divorced family and those family members are remarried and having to just ping pong back and forth and just from all these different families. And it is exhausting. Even though they want to see those people and then walking into all the different dynamics and it makes we laugh at this movie because I mean, some of the situations are hilarious, but really it can cause a lot of confusion and frustration and hurt. And so it's not really necessarily a laughing matter. I mean, I think sometimes you have to laugh at how ridiculous some of these circumstances are, like in family relationships, because none of us are perfect and there's a lot of history there and, you know, so sometimes you have to kind of. You do in certain situations, you have to kind of let certain little nitpicky things flow off your back and give them the benefit of the doubt. But I think when there's a real issue, you know, be willing to talk about it in the right setting. I mean, don't bring it up in front of everybody in the family and shame someone, you know, do it in private. And I want to say this really quick too. If there is a family member that is bullying your spouse, don't let them corner your spouse because odds are they want to get them alone and make them feel less than. But you stand by that spouse. And we've seen this dynamic. We know what this is like, don't let them, you know, get your spouse alone or get you alone and mess with your head, because that's what they want to do. Okay? And I'm just being honest. People who crave control, who feel like maybe you're not seeing things their way, they might get you by yourself and, like, try to brainwash you, and maybe they don't think they're doing that, but that's kind of what they're doing and make you look negatively on your spouse. Or they may try to get your spouse alone and belittle them. And so you need to stick together. And I know this isn't always the situation, but if that is your situation, don't let your spouse be out there in a vulnerable state, ready for, like, the. The cats to pounce, so to speak, and, like, tear them down. Be there with them in their corner. They showed up, they're there, and that's awesome. But stay with them, and you guys support each other because, you know, in really toxic family situations that maybe are in that process of hopefully healing, it's dicey. It's just dicey at times. We get it, like, it can be really hard.

And just going with a lot of prayer, you know, going like, lord, fight this battle for me. Lord, prepare the way ahead of me. Give me the words. Let me know when to keep my mouth shut. Let me know when to open my mouth and what to say when I do. And just let there be a lot of grace along the way. You know, this is such a big issue for so many couples that we actually are working on a book right now. It's going to be, you know, at least a year probably before it's out. But it's, you know, it's tentatively called the in law dilemma, and we'll talk about holidays in it, but we'll talk about all the dynamics because this is the issue for a lot of couples. And so we just want to continue to create resources to help you through that. So more to come on that. But, hey, let it be a great Thanksgiving for you guys. But now it is time for the Q and A. So we're going to wrap up today with a question and answer. Thanks for all the questions you guys Send in@nakedmarriagepodcast.com Today's question says, I'm in desperate need of help. I'm getting married at the beginning of 2022, and my fiance is constantly searching old girlfriends and other girls, you know, from the past on social media. I don't understand why. How do I approach this? Is it something that should be tolerated or dismissed?

I want to answer this very pointedly. Can I?

Go ahead. Yes, you can.

I'm sorry.

I'm, like, jumping in the book on your face.

I'm your girlfriend in your corner. Like, do not marry this guy until this is taken care of. Do not marry him. Like, take it off your calendar until this is handled. Because odds are, until he completely repents of this and he is completely aware of the depravity of this kind of behavior, then he's not gonna change. And old habits die hard. And I'm not saying he's a lost cause, because I do believe that we can be new creations in Christ, because that's what the Bible tells us. And I've seen it in my own life, in the lives of others. But don't. Do not move towards marriage until he not only recognizes that this is wrong, but I even think he needs to be in a time of sobriety, so to speak. I mean, I don't know if that's the right word here, but maybe off. You know, sobriety from just staying away from being able to even contact these old girlfriends and other girls he knows. I mean, this is just completely cannot be tolerated. Definitely don't dismiss it. You're such a sweet soul. Even, you know, I can tell, like, her heart, she loves this man. But how heartbreaking is this that he's engaged to you and still doing this, and so you cannot stand for it. And it's very important that he gets help. And I don't know what the motivation is behind this. Maybe it's flirtation, but odds are. I mean, there could be. You know, a lot of times when people are looking up old flames and other girls, there's could be, like, a sexual component to this. I mean, most of the time there is. You know, I don't know that in this dynamic for sure, but that's definitely where it leads. And so I would. I would really talk to him openly and honestly about this and saying you can't stand for it and you don't feel good getting married until he gets help for this.

Yeah. And I'm so sorry you've been put in this heartbreaking situation. But listen, like, I know it's easy to try to overlook things in the name of keeping a wedding on schedule and not going through, you know, the perceived embarrassment of calling something off or rescheduling it, but Those things are so easy compared to marrying someone who is not in the mindset of being monogamous and focused on you and committed to you. And right now it sounds like this man is not committed to you the way that a husband should be. And so he needs to get serious about this for you and for all couples thinking about marriage, preparing for marriage, we actually have a program to help you through that and help guide you through some of these conversations. You can find all those resources@premarriage.com and that would be a good place to start, but we're praying for you. I encourage you to get with a premarital counselor to talk through these issues. But like Ashley said, you don't have to stand for that. In fact, don't stand for that and don't think that marriage is going to change him because.

Go ahead. I was just going to say, and you mentioned this, and I probably should have mentioned this, but this can stay between the two of you and the counselors that you're going to be working with. You don't have to tell all the family members if you're going to move the date. You don't have to tell them what's going on. Not to be secretive, but this is a personal thing, and that way you, you know, when you do get married, and hopefully he's worked through these issues, it's not this big thing that your family members can't forget. So, you know, be careful who you talk to about this, but definitely get help. And I do think there is hope and help for him, but I would really, I would slow down this engagement and really have him deal with the issues of just wanting to look up old flames and girls. And you deserve better than that. And your guys, you want your marriage to start off on the right foot, and so definitely make sure he gets help with those issues.

Wise words. Thank you for that question. And thanks to all of you for listening. You know, we're. We're thankful for you guys. We really, really are this Thanksgiving week and every week of the year. So we appreciate you. God bless. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and we will see you next time.

Bye. Bye, Sam.