The Lies We Believe About Sex

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Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. On this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we've been kind of in a focus on the sex part of sex, intimacy and lifelong love. Pulling themes from our upcoming book, the Counterfeit Climax, where we're unpacking all the counterfeit messages about sex that our world has given to us and how it affects so many marriages in a negative way and how to get back to the beautiful, intimate design of what God intended and sex to be in marriage, which is something better than anything Hollywood could have come up with on their own. And so it's going to be a fun conversation today and I'm excited to.

Have is we're going to talk all about the lies that we believe about sex. And so it's going to be a steamy one, but one we all really could learn something from. So let's dive in.

I am so excited about today's topic. Really. I'm excited about all these we're doing based on our new book, the Cat Counterfeit Climax, which you guys can pre order now. This book, I think, is going to be such a helpful resource for people dealing specifically with all the counterfeit versions of sex out there in our world and how we've believed those, how those lies have impacted and affected us, how it creates baggage in marriage and how to work through it and have the amazing sex life God wants us to have. And so on today's episode, we're going to just kind of dip our toe into some of what we cover in the Counterfeit Climax by talking about four lies that people do believe about sex and the truth that God says to kind of debunk this lie. And so maybe you haven't believed all four of these lies. Maybe you have at some point or another, but we just want to dive right in.

And I want to say this, the reason we're talking about lies that we often believe about sex is because Dave has said this before and I thought it was just such a true statement, is that our mind is actually our most powerful sex organization.

Yes.

Because how we Approach sex, how we enjoy sex, all the different hangups we have about it, it all starts in our mind. And so in order to have a healthy mind when it comes to sex, you know, we need to. We need to understand what lies we might be believing and replace it with God's truth.

So, so true. And so four lies. Lie number one. Here's a lie people believe about sex, number one, that sex is somehow a dirty or shameful act. And I think that some of us were raised up in cultures, maybe even in churches, where when sex was talked about, it was kind of always talked about in these kind of dirty or shameful terms. A lot of shame attached to even thinking about sex or talking about sex. And so we hear from a lot of fellow Christians who have never even felt free to really talk openly about sex, which is one of the things we like to do on this podcast, is to be a safe place, because here's the truth to debunk that lie. Sex is a beautiful gift from. From God that is meant to be enjoyed. Enjoyed, guys. It's meant to be enjoyed within marriage. And so here's one verse. Here's one of this many spicy Bible verses about the gift of sex From Proverbs, chapter 5, verse 18. May your fountain be blessed, and may you always rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer. May her breasts satisfy you. Always. May. May you ever be intoxicated by her love.

And that's intoxicating.

Steamy. You intoxicate me.

Intoxicate me.

So, guys, God wants you to have an intoxicating sex life within marriage and not to settle for any less. But I think sometimes, especially in some Christian circles, people especially, I think wives, have been kind of raised specifically to believe this, that you're not allowed to enjoy sex. It's just kind of a duty that you have to do. It's not supposed to be fun. Even in marriage. It's somehow still dirty. Like God's watching you and he's embarrassed. I don't know what we believe, but it's not true. God made it. It's a gift. Enjoy it in marriage.

And it's even a holy act in marriage. Yes, it's a beautiful holy act in marriage. And so I wanna talk about, how do you know if you're believing this particular lie? How do you know? Cause you're probably listening to this and you're like, I don't know if I totally feel that way. If you hear the word sex and you start to feel kind of something in Your belly of feeling maybe nervous or sick or the thought of talking about sex with your spouse makes you want to run and hide. If, when maybe you're in the act of making love, you try to go somewhere else in your mind because you can't believe you're actually doing this act because you feel dirty, those are some ways you might know that you have some shame attached to sex. And I've been there before. I had a lot of hangups when it came to this. You know, I saved myself for marriage, and I'm so thankful for that. But in that kind of time of saving myself, I think I had pushed sex as being this dirty thing and putting it out of my mind and thinking of myself as kind of an asexual being or something, because I didn't want to do that. Like, in my mind, it was the worst thing you could possibly do. And so I kept chase, which is great. But then I had all of these mental hangups about it, and I really. I had to recognize them for what they are. I didn't. Especially in the beginning of our marriage, I just felt a little shell shocked by. And I hear a lot of women say that, like, and I was almost kind of afraid to enjoy sex. I thought, oh, no, does that make me dirty if I enjoy it?

Only bad girls like it.

Yeah. I mean, really?

No, but that's another lie.

It's like, it's such a lie. It's such a lie. Yeah. And so you have to get real honest with yourself. And for me, it was a process, you know, Like, I guess debunking any lie is a process. But I'm so glad that I did allow God to do that work in my mind and in my heart about sex. Because once I really recognized sex for the gift that it is, I felt so free. Like, I felt so free to enjoy it and so free to see that as the holy thing that it is within marriage.

And freedom is Christ has set us free, and the marriage bed should be a place of freedom. All right, so that's lie number one. Lie number two. Well, no, that's truth. The marriage bed is a place of freedom. That's true. So, like, I'm just saying we covered lie number one, which is that sex is dirty. And that's. That's the lie. Sex is good is the truth. Here's the lie number two. Sexual experiences outside of marriage are harmless. Now we live in a culture that says, you know, whatever you do, it's just be free, you know, just on your own, on your own, outside of marriage. They take the freedom to a place with no boundaries. There's all kinds of freedom within marriage, but outside of marriage, sex is destructive. And that includes sexual experiences like pornography. That includes. And the next slide is actually about that. But anything we do outside America, infidelity. Infidelity. So the truth is the misuse of sex causes pain. God's guidelines are meant to protect us from experiencing that pain and inflicting pain on others. Because when we misuse sex, everybody gets hurt. Hebrews chapter 13, verse 4 says marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral. So God wants you to have all kinds of freedom within the marriage bed. But if we're bringing in all kinds of sexual, you know, experiences outside of that, it's only gonna cause pain, right?

It separates us.

It does.

And, you know, we've talked about the enemy. The verse in the Bible, it says, he only comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And man, have we, in the work that we do with married couples, seen where people trying to satisfy their own sexual needs in different ways. Like pornography, masturbation, you know, just having these, you know, titillating little flirtation, what they call harmless flirtation kind of things with people on sites like OnlyFans or other things through Facebook or social media. They see it as harmless. Cause they're like, well, I'm not actually having sex with someone else, so it's harmless. But that is what the enemy is trying to do. He's trying to convince us that the counterfeit is better than the real thing, because that's what it is. It's counterfeit. God created sex for marriage. It is awesome. You. You don't need these other things to have an amazing sex life. And in fact, those other things are like a poison. But the truth of God's word is that we can be new creations in Christ and that we don't have to just sit in the muck and in the kind of bad habits we've created, but we have to recognize them for the sin that they are in our lives. Because if we don't call sin sin, then we can't really repent and we can't really walk away and be free from it. And so we need to recognize it as something that is a poison. And. And that takes being honest with ourselves and confessing it to the Lord and repenting from it. But then also, as married people, we need to be honest with our spouse and just say, listen, I've really had an issue with this, like, I'm really struggling. It's been a bad habit I've done a long time. It's not your fault. But I wanna get pornography out of my life. I wanna get this habit of masturbation out of my life. And I want us to really, fully give ourselves to each other sexually and not feel like we need to just go in a corner and in a dark place and handle things ourselves personally. Because, you know, if you're satisfying your needs outside the bedroom all the time, odds are you probably don't feel it for your spouse as much because you know you've satisfied it on your own. But that's, again, a counterfeit, and it's empty because sex is all about that connection between a husband and wife. And so you don't want to cut yourself off from that or cut your spouse off from that.

So true. And that leads right into line number three, which is all about porn and sexual fantasy, which I think is maybe the most prevalent of all the lies related to. To sex in our culture today. Lie number three. Porn and sexual fantasy are harmless forms of entertainment, and that is a lie. The truth is, allowing sexual sin to play out on screens or in our minds is always damaging. Here are a few verses. Matthew, chapter five. Jesus says, I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustful, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So he says, you know, adultery is not just the physical act, but being mentally monogamous is important. Like, we have to keep our mind pure, not just our body, if we want to experience all the fullness that God has for us in our life and specifically in our marriage. Romans 12:2 says, don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you'll be able to test and approve God's will, his good, pleasing, perfect will. We need to renew our mind from those toxic thoughts, toxic images that the world says are just harmless, harmless entertainment. And we won't belabor the point here on porn because we've talked about it in depth in many other episodes and in our exotalks. And we also talk a lot about it and my past struggle with it in the new Counterfeit Climax book, sharing some details that we've never shared before that hopefully will be very helpful to you. But what you need to know for our purposes right now is just, porn is bad and the world is going to tell you it's harmless. People want to argue with us all the time, say, no. It spices things up. It's harmless. It's not. Not a big deal. But it's toxic.

It is. And it's not only clear in Scripture, there is a rising number of studies, even in secular places, like in secular institutes, that have done a lot of research on porn and the damage that it does. And you would be just shocked at all the things they found. There's no really good thing. I mean, you might have a temporary moment of pleasure, but as far as what it does to relationships and even your own sexual health is. It is completely damaging. There's like a site or actually a page on Instagram called Fight the New Drug. They are not a Christian organization. They are secular. So they're not even coming from a biblical perspective, but they're trying to just look at the stats and what they put out. It's. I mean, I'm not surprised by it just because of the work we do, but every day they put out some other story or stat about the damage that porn does and how it's like a drug. I mean, it literally is. It's a drug that is. It's hard to get out of our life, but it's absolutely possible. But again, we have to call it what it is. An addiction, a habit, a sin. You know, we have to call it what it is and recognize it as not being the best thing for our marriage. So how do you know you have a problem with this lie that you're believing? This lie? You are engaging in watching porn regularly. And really, if at all. I mean, I don't think there's any room for.

No, there's not room. It's one of those things where it's not.

A little is not okay. And we're not saying this to be shaming you. We know this, like, from personal experience. We know the damage that can be done, but we also. We know the freedom you can have and how much better your sex life is without that stuff in your. In your life. And we also know. We have stories of people involved in the sex, you know, like, in the pornography industry and. And how. I think if people really knew what was going on there, they would have no part of it. Like, what is happening to these women, even these men. I mean, it's just not even to mention what it does to your relationship. Like, what it's perpetuating for these people is really, really sobering. So, you know, definitely, just in the book, we go into much more detail on this, but it's just not good for us. It's poison.

I read one of the saddest Stats about porn for me, that it was sad that I've ever read, and we know a lot of stats about porn, but it is that there are more Christian men who look at porn at least once a week than the number of Christian men who read their Bible at least once a week. And, you know, I want to say that I want to believe that that stat isn't true or that it's inflated, but, you know, in the work we do, it doesn't completely surprise me, but it's heartbreaking. Guys, we need to be. We need to be beyond reproach. We need to be men of integrity. It's not just a male issue. Women struggle with porn, too. But just talking to the men for a second, guys, let's fight for purity in our minds and in our marriages. Let's do what Romans 12:2 says. Let's allow God's truth to renew our mind. Let's be men that can be trusted in this area and be a generation that helps end the plague of pornography before, you know, before our kids and grandkids come along. I mean, we can do more to fight this battle instead of just falling into it. You know, we need to fill our minds with God's truth. And if we're starving ourselves of God's truth, we're going to be so much more open to feeding our minds and our souls with the toxic counterfeits out there like porn. And so my challenge is I want you guys to start reading your Bible every day. And if you're. If you're looking at porn, stop looking at porn and get an accountability partner to help you in that and read your. Every time you're tempted to look at it. Go back to the truth of God's word. And I believe God will give you strength little by little for that, for porn to lose its grip over you.

And I want to say this, too. In the research we did actually, for the Counterfeit Climax book, we found a lot of research that's saying, you know, porn is. I mean, there's always been women who have struggled with porn, not necessarily to the. To the level that men do, but that's changing because there's been this push just in our culture as a whole to. To empower women when it comes to sex, to be able to talk about their bodies and know how their bodies respond, and to not be filled with shame when it comes to that. Which I agree with that. I mean, definitely know your body, know that it's beautiful. Don't feel like you can't talk about sex or that you're not a sexual being. Absolutely. But on the flip side of that, they've also said, and in order to know that you need to be watching porn, you need to be using, you know, things to pleasure yourself so that you can understand yourself better. And what they have found is this has really backfired because a lot of times, you know, women are turning to things like vibrators that are not at all to scale like a man. They're much bigger and clearly not natural. And so what we found is even Christian women who, you know, maybe had a strong sex drive and were doing this, you know, before they got married, they get married, and they've technically saved themselves and not had sex with any other men before marriage. And so they get married, but they've been so accustomed to what this vibrator does for them that they can't even enjoy intercourse. Like, we hear from this a lot, don't we, sweetie?

Yeah, it's a real thing.

And then the husband feels so inadequate and is like, oh, my gosh, like, I don't even know what to do with this. And so. And I know this is probably way more information than you thought you were gonna hear on this podcast, but we go and we go into more detail in the book. But, you guys, we're gonna talk about this because it's a real issue. Some of you listening right now. This is a real issue for you, and we're not saying it to shame you. We're talking about this to warn you of what can happen. And you don't need to feel ashamed. You need to just get real with why you're doing this, why it's a struggle, and then take steps necessary to stop doing it so that you can really prepare yourself for a better sex life, especially if you're not married yet. I would hope that you could stop these habits now. But even if you're married and it's a thing that you've just become accustomed to doing on your own, I just challenge you to stop and to see what God can do and how much closer he will bring you and your spouse together when you don't have these counterfeit things in your life.

So, so true. Only one lie left. There are actually a lot more lies. We will talk more about those in the book, but for our time today, just one left, and that is sexual sins are unforgivable and thankful. That is a lie. The truth is, you're not defined by your sexual sin. You're defined by Christ's love and forgiveness. The Bible says, 1st John 1:9. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And I Love this verse, 2 Corinthians 5:17. Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new creation. The old is gone, a new life has begun. And God can do a new work in you, no matter what you've done in the past, even with whatever you're struggling with in the present. His grace is enough. His grace is enough to set you free. His grace is enough to forgive you. And you're not defined by that. So call it a sin and repent, which means get away from it and turn back to God. And as we turn back to God and we start getting on the road that God has for us, healing really begins to happen. But don't believe the lie on one extreme, that sexual what you do sexually doesn't really matter and it's harmless because that's a lie. But on the other end of that extreme, the lie is, this is unforgivable. I'm never going to be free from this. This defines who I am. And that's a lie as well, because Jesus is the truth who sets you free. And when we turn to him, we really do find healing.

You know, I think along with that lie is like, well, I'm just never really going to enjoy sex, because if I can't do these things, like pornography or whatever it is, like, then I'm just never gonna enjoy it. But, you know, what you'll find is when you kind of get rid of this clutter that's kind of just crowded out what healthy sex looks like in your mind, and really in your sex life, you'll find that there's just such beauty in just a husband and wife enjoying sex together. And there's a lot of freedom there. You know, we've talked a lot about things that are wrong and doing them on your own and trying to meet your own sexual need, you know, by yourself, by bringing in other people virtually or otherwise, or bringing in other things to kind of satisfy your sexual needs. But when you're in your marriage bed, it's just between you and your spouse. There's so much freedom. And you can embrace that freedom and you can be spicy and try different things, and, you know, there's just so much freedom there. And we talk about that. So we're not saying, like, all of these things in and of themselves are bad. It's when we're trying to do it on our own and outside of our marriage bed. And you know, without our spouse involved, I mean, that's when it's not right for us. But when we are with our spouse, it's just such a beautiful way that God has created for us to connect. And he gives us a lot of freedom in that way. And so, you know, until you kind of realize that you have that freedom and you have these other things out of your life, it's like you're missing out. So I just challenge you to get, you know, just recognize these lies for what they are in your life. Replace them with the truth of God's word. Word. And then just be, be excited to enjoy sex the way that God intended.

Such a good word. That brings us to Q and A time. Yes. And we appreciate all the questions you guys send in. If you want to continue the conversation, know about what we've talked about today, the lies about sex, and a whole lot of other things to help you gain health and healing in your sex life and for your sex life to be all that God intended, go ahead and pre order that brand new book, the Counterfeit Climax. I think it's really going to make a difference. All right, so here is today's question. I heard your podcast about masturbation where you frowned upon the idea of using vibrators. My wife and I are in our early 60s and she has a very low sex drive. She needs a great deal of stimulation to allow for her orgasm. A vibrator helps her get there. But even still, she takes a long time, she gets frustrated and most of the time just gives me duty sex. So when she does give in to pleasure, a vibrator seems to be the only way for her to get there. Do you think it's wrong for her to get there with the vibrator when I join in? And so I don't think it's a really good question. And thank you so much for, first of all, for listening and for being, you know, having more experience than us and still being willing to tune in and hopefully learn and be encouraged by what we say here. It really means a lot when we hear from, you know, we hear from a lot of couples of all ages, but specifically when we hear from couples who are farther along than we are, it really warms our heart and it's a privilege to hopefully be bringing some encouragement to you and thank you for tuning in. It's a great, great question. Personally, I don't think that there is anything inherently sinful about using a vibrator or, you know, whatever. Using whatever together is a way to enhance what you're doing together, I think that that's just an innovative way to en. Enhance the sexual experience together. You know, when we talk about the dangers of, you know, masturbation and vibrators, we're talking about this really epidemic of people looking at sex as a solo sport, even within marriage, where it'll be the wife going off by herself and, you know, getting turned on by whatever turns her on and then using a vibrator to go all the way to completion, and the husband, you know, going and doing whatever gets him turned on and then masturbating on his own. And it's like they're completely disconnecting sexually. But when you're coming together, you know, masturbation, you know, whether you're helping each other with masturbation or you're doing it to yourself in the presence of one another as part of the overall sexual experience, I think we have a ton of freedom in those kind of areas. And if this is something that helps your wife and helps you get your wife to that point of orgasm, then by all means do it, because her orgasm is important. And it sounds like right now it takes her some time and some effort to get there. And so whatever is going to help her get there with you being part of it, I think go for it and don't feel any shame at all in that. I think especially in different seasons of life, we have to get even more innovative to make sure that we're prioritizing each other's sexual pleasure and the sexual connection with one another. So all that to say, not that I'm the referee of anybody's sex life, but I don't see anything at all wrong with what you're describing.

And I just want to clarify because I know we did talk about it on masturbation and marriage, and it's hard sometimes to get our points clearly across, especially over when it's just audio. But what I want to say is, in the research that we've done, especially with women right now, women, I would say, from their teenage years through their 40s, you know, so even like our generation, there's been a big push for women, single women, okay, to pleasure themselves regularly with a vibrator. And usually there ends up being porn or erotica or whatever involved, and the danger there is that they get used to the stimulation of a vibrator. And so they technically, I guess, aren't having sex, you know, before marriage. And these are some Christian women. I mean, we've. We've seen a lot of research on this. So when they get married, they are so accustomed to that that they're very let down by just having intercourse with their spouse. And that's where it's a problem, because it's become this habit. They become a little desensitized to normal sexual connection. And so the man hasn't even been given a chance in this scenario. This is a couple that has been married a long time, probably, and they've had intercourse. And this is basically a tool to help with foreplay, is what I hear. It's to help with foreplay, but they still end up having intercourse and enjoying sex. And so, you know, it's not taking away from the experience, it's adding the experience, and it's between both of them. It's not this secretive solo sport, like, as you worded. And so that's why we just give a lot of warnings to this, because there's even been some studies now the jury's out on this. Like, I've seen varying articles on, you know, the frequent use of vibrators, creating what's called dead vagina, which means that it somehow desensitizes, you know, the female regions when it comes to enjoying sex. And so. Or maybe they need more vibration or, you know, bigger devices, so to speak, just to get really honest. And so there's a lot of information on this, and you can do your research on it. But I think as a tool, any kind of sex toy, as a tool enjoyed between both partners, and they both feel safe, they both feel good about it. There is nothing biblically wrong with that. I mean, you're just enhancing your pleasure in intercourse, and it's not a secretive thing. It's something you're enjoying together, and it's not against anything. So have at it.

Yes. I think God created us to be practical, and he also created us to be creative. And it's a tool, in your case, that is serving a practical purpose and a creative way to help enhance the experience for your wife.

She's fine with it. Like, they're both on the same page with it.

There's unity in your marriage around this. And I'd say have fun. But, you know, the broader discussion about masturbation and vibrators for the reasons we've talked about as a solo act, that's where it can be dangerous. And again, we dive deeper into this in the counterfeit climax. Check out that book. Thank you guys so much for tuning in as always and being part of these conversations. We hope that this helps enhance the intimacy in your own marriage. And we appreciate you so much for tuning in. God bless. We'll see you next time.