The Nagging Cure

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It's hump day. Q and A time. Hump day. Q and A. Hump day.

Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day. Q and a. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

Hey there. Welcome back. We have a really good question today, and it is this. My wife keeps nagging me. What do I do? And there's, you know, there's not a lot of specifics in that question, but just, I just am getting the gist that this, this husband, you know, he feels like maybe no matter what he ends up doing, it's like there's always something that his wife is nagging about. And, you know, over the years, I mean, we've heard a lot of questions like this. I think a lot of people, a lot of married couples can fall into this dynamic. And a lot of times wives will write us and they'll say, my husband won't help me. And I feel like I'm nagging him. I don't want to be a nag. What do I do? So I want to say first out of the gate, odds are this wife does not like nagging him. Okay. Yeah, because, I mean, I'm a wife. I've been a wife for 22 years. I don't want to nag day.

Best wife.

Oh, my goodness. I've had some naggy years. I have. And I mean, I especially in the thick of raising the boys like when they were little and feeling like no one is like, picking up their clothes off the ground or do you know what I'm saying? Like, helping out. That's when I can get a little bit naggy. Like, I had one of our boys. I think it was Connor, who's our second one. He's 17 the other day now, he does have ADHD. I just want to say that. So, like, the reason I tend to repeat things to him is he's unmedicated now because he's able to do what he needs to do. But he is, you know, he can get off, he can lose his focus if it's something he's not interested in. Now he can hyper focus on what he wants. But because I know that about him, I will usually tell him something. Like, I'll tell him, and then if there's not movement to come down the stairs to do whatever I told him, I'll tell him again. And I guess I went a third time, which in our house we say delayed obedience is disobedience. And then I'm getting ready to say that. Like, I'm getting ready. And he was like, mom, he goes, you're nagging me. I heard you. I don't know if you heard me. I was telling you I was finishing up this thing I'm going to do, like empty the dishwasher, I'm going to take out the trash, whatever it was. And I was like, okay. And so, like, from my standpoint, I'm like, okay, but let's get yourself downstairs to do it. You know what I'm saying? And I think sometimes with nagging, it's not that, you know, your wife necessarily wants to nag you, but maybe you're not doing something in the timing that she was hoping. And so a lot of times it's just a miscommunication, you know, where we haven't been specific. And some of you wives listening, though, you're thinking, well, yes, Ashley, it can be a miscommunication. But the fact that I have to constantly ask him and end up nagging him is just maddening, you know, because why can't he just know?

Why can't he just know?

I need him to do this thing. You. It's just this, right? It's this vicious cycle.

I saw this T shirt this guy was wearing. It made me laugh out loud. It said, if I tell you I'm going to do something, then I will. I will do it. You don't have to remind me every six months.

This is what we're talking about, right?

Exactly what we're talking about. It's like I said I'd do it, but I've been asking for years. I'm going to get to it.

You're making me hold on here for.

So long on one hand, like, nagging, it just doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

I know the Bible has some pretty blunt, funny words about nagging. And Proverbs, it says it's better to. It's better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a nagging spouse. Or like, the. Like, the dripping of a faucet is, like, the annoyance of, like, just being nagged at home.

Yeah.

And so nobody likes it.

And even I think, as wives, we know that.

Right. But. But at the same time, if, like Ashley said earlier, miscommunication, I think, is kind of the heart. So we need to be better listeners. Both spouses. Yes. We also need to watch our tone. If we're nagging, if we're in this kind of parent child dynamic where we're just giving our spouse a list and expecting them to check off that list, that is. That's inappropriate. We need to show gratitude for each other. You need to thank your spouse a lot for the things that they do. You need to watch your tone. Your tone should be warm and compassionate and tender with them. If you're barking at them, they're going to just want to be out of the house. Right. I mean, like, I'm not justifying, but that's. Those are the guys that, like, work all day and then play golf all night or whatever because they just don't want to be home. Now, I'm not saying that that's okay or an appropriate response, but that tends to be what happens. And so we need to instead make the home the safest place on earth for both spouses, the place both spouses want to be. And we do that through. Through the tenderness in our tone, through great communication, through serving one another, and through having a lot of grace for each other and being able to be okay if things aren't perfectly the way that we want them and still showing gratitude for each other. And, you know, we have a ton of resources, a ton of podcast episodes and books and everything else on communication and marriage and kind of how to get to a healthier place there. But, yeah, and I think if you're the one being nagged, to just maybe kind of call it out and say, listen, I know. I know that you're not trying to nag me, but that's the way it feels. It feels very critical. It feels like I can't do anything right, and I want you to be happy with me, but this is a really demoralizing dynamic we're falling into. And so what can we do to pull out of that?

And I would just give a suggestion to pull out of that. Something over. We tried many different things over the years because I found myself not necessarily nagging you, but nagging the kids. And I remember we had a schedule. If you can get a schedule between spouses, things that you can put on a schedule and that you know, you know, like your husband knows and you as a husband will know is on the schedule that you're going to do.

Yeah.

Then you know, she is going to take nagging off the table, you know what I'm saying? Because it's already on the schedule. And just you guys both agree this is the schedule of when these things need to be done. And that way, you know, she has no excuse to really nag, you know what I'm saying? Because it's on the schedule. And you would say, well, what if he doesn't do it? Well, then that's on him. And you know, what you need to do is get to the end of a week, which in marriage it's good to have kind of a little family meeting anyway, and just say, listen, I didn't want to nag you this week, but I noticed that, you know, there were several things that didn't really get done. Can you this week make sure you get those things done and it's going to help your husband maybe to see like, oh, no wonder she nags me. I'm not really prioritizing some of these things that need to get done now. You know, on the wife's side, she may need to let go of some things. Like you said, I think it's finding that balance where you both can find how you both can win together. Because she probably doesn't like nagging you, you don't like her nagging you. So how can you all form a schedule that you both can agree on, that you both can, you know that, know that things are getting done for both of you, not just like tasks for the husband. I'm not saying just a honey do list, but just things that as a family unit for your kids too, where we're going to get these things done. Because where we really see nagging happen is in task. It's task oriented usually. Now if it's an emotional type thing, like, you know, you never talk, you know, we need to talk. You know, I will tell you this. There were years ago, friends of ours, they found themselves in just this horrible nagging dynamic. And the wife, at the end of the day, she would go to her husband and she would be like, here's my list of what I needed to really talk to you today. And he had just come home from work and he felt nagged by that. And it was like, not only was she just, like, airing all her grievances, but then she was also adding a honeydew list on it. And literally, it was like he shut down. And so, you know, that couple had to. They. They have to find a new way of doing things because it just became all this nagging. And she felt like her needs weren't being met because he was shutting down emotionally to her and not listening. But then he felt like his needs weren't being met and that he couldn't do anything. Right. Because she always had something wrong.

Right. Because she was always. He was always being tested. And it was a test he could never really win.

Exactly.

It was this constantly moving bullseye. Like, if you don't do this list constantly, then he just feels like a. A hired worker that's never meeting the mark.

Or if you don't look in my eyes for 30 minutes exactly. And you move at all, then you're not connecting with me. And it just became very robotic. And so, again, I think that if you're listening to this and you're like, yes, I want to win together, and you're not sure how to do that, I'm telling you a Christian Counselor. Go to AACC.net that you can find one that's vetted in your area or talk to your local church. They may have a counselor who works with the church that you could meet with. But if you feel like maybe that's not even going to cut it and you need something a little bit, like, more intensive, I would reach out to our exo mediators. I know we talk about it all the time, but you guys, I just can't speak highly enough about them. They can help you do this, practically speaking, and get you both on the same page and find out ways that you can win together. You can go to exomarriage help.com and meet with them virtually, and it could be a game changer for you.

Thanks for tuning in, guys. You can send us a question on Instagram Avanashley Willis. And we appreciate you so much. We'll see you next time.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump day Q and A.