Warning Lights in Marriage

Hey, welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. We're so glad you're listening. And on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. We have got a great topic today and then always stick around for the end because we've got a really, really fascinating question we're going to tackle for the Q and A time at the end of this episode. But first, my lovely, brilliant and beautiful wife Ashley wants to share a quick review and tell you about an important resources we.

That's right. Thank you guys so much for writing your reviews. If you have not left a five star review yet and you love this podcast, please do so. So today I'm going to share a review and it is entitled amazing and it says ridiculously good. Definitely helping my marriage grow from good to great.

Oh, that's so good.

And that, that is the heart of why we do what we do. So thank you so much for leaving that.

You know, sweetie, for most of our marriage, as you know, I have driven really old cars, partly because I'm just not that into cars, partly because I'm cheap, and partly because we've been broke for a lot of our marriage. And so one thing I've had to pay attention to, especially in those early years when I was driving the clunkers, is the warning light that pops up on the dashboard. Because when a warning light pops up on your vehicle, it means something is going on under the hood. And in those early days with those old cars, those warning lights would pop up all the time. And I knew that if I want to keep driving this car, I've got to pay attention to those warning lights. And if I ignore them, something's going to blow up. Now, in your marriage, your marriage is of course, so much different, so much better than a vehicle in ways that it's hard to even compare the too. But we're talking about warning lights in this episode. And I do believe that there's kind of this sort of dashboard of your marriage where certain fuel gauges and warning lights need to be paid attention to. And if, if your fuel tank's on full, you know, it means you're spending a lot of time together. There's a lot of laughter, there's a lot of good stuff going on. But there are warning lights that can pop up that mean something needs to change. You need to check what's going on under the hood or else there could be a crash.

It's so true. You know, thinking back to those days when like the check engine light that's the one that I'm just like, it's so ominous. It's like, no, what is it? Cause it won't tell you exactly. I know.

Curse this 20 year old car.

Like, oh, why do you have to have so many problems?

Car.

But like that there were so many years where that would happen. And there's this anxiety that comes along, but there's also this tendency to think, no, you know what? Sometimes life's just come on, it's probably nothing. And then we like don't do anything about it. And what happens eventually, and I've literally lived this, is we end up on the side of the road having to get a tow and pay all that money to have it towed. And then there's a bigger problem because we didn't address it. And so that's why we want to talk about, like, what are those things that are huge warning lights when it comes to our marriage? And I want to, you know, talk first and foremost about things that we don't necessarily always think of, but that, that can be there. And I think one really big warning is if you find yourself trying to spend less time with your spouse, like trying to not be in the house at the same time, trying to maybe go do stuff with your friends and be away from them as much as possible. Or, or, and this is another way we do this, especially for parents, is trying to only talk, like business talk and then like escape to do something that you have to do right then and there and not really talk about the real things.

Yeah, no, absolutely. I think that is so easy to fall into. And when we fall into that, we need to take a step back and say, okay, this is essentially a warning light that's popped up. It doesn't mean that it's an emergency. It's. But it could become an emergency if we're not proactive about it. So we need to intentionally continue to invest in our relationship. And if we found ourselves kind of getting on autopilot, so to speak, our marriage has been on cruise control for too long and we've just been going through the motions. We need to take a step back and say, are we falling out of touch with each other and how do we bring that intimacy back?

It's so true. And, you know, I do think that the longer you're married and when you have busy work life and you have a, you know, children, it's easy to put your marriage on the back burner. And that's, that's kind of how we fall into this negative dynamic of not Wanting to spend time together because there is this anxiety, just like the warning light bringing on anxiety, when you have that little kind of catch in your heart where you're like, I really don't want to be with my spouse today. I don't want to really talk to them. I'd rather just go do my own thing and escape. You know, it brings on anxiety. But then the thought of actually going and addressing that brings on more anxiety. And we tell ourselves it really is a lie of the enemy. Well, you know, it's probably nothing. Maybe I should just go watch tv or maybe I should just go get myself enthralled in this project at the house. Or maybe I should just go, you know, escape with the kids somewhere, you know, and go. Just avoid the thing that I need to address. But the truth is, if we have that little catch where it's like we just are trying to avoid our spouse emotionally or verbally, whatever it is, we need to go ahead and address it, because the longer we stay away from, the more the anxiety will build up. And what you find are these business partners. You need to find two people doing life together but not really engaging. And that is an empty place to be in certain years of our marriage. You know, we'll be busy enough to where it doesn't. It's not that clear to us that we're miles apart emotionally. But what happens is the kids grow up, they move on, and then all of a sudden, you have what Dave often likes to refer to as an empty house and an empty marriage. And it's. And it's. It's just like the silence can be deafening.

And.

And that's why you see this epidemic of people, you know, waiting till the kids grow up, never really addressing what's going on, and then suddenly divorcing. And we don't want that for you guys. You know, there's so much we can do when we know this warning light is flashing. There's so much we can do to address this. And that first step, if you're feeling like you don't want to spend time together, if you're feeling emotionally disconnected, the first step is to own it. Like, to say, I'm not feeling the connection, sweetie. Like, I'm feeling miles apart. And there's been many times in our marriage where I've come to you and I've said this.

Yeah, like, I'm feeling a disconnect or let's, you know, let's be proactive and let's talk about this.

But at the time, you didn't realize it.

Right. Because at the time, I might have been just oblivious. You're working and just thinking, I'm just in a busy season. But you recognize that. No, we're actually drifting apart right now, and we've got to. We've got to be intentional about this.

Yes. And instead, you know the thing, too, sometimes even if our spouse feels differently than us, we don't want to discount their feelings. Because if one of you feels disconnected, then you're disconnected.

Yeah.

Okay. And you need to validate your spouse's feelings and say, listen, I didn't realize that I feel connected to you, but there's clearly something I'm not doing or that I am doing that is causing this disconnection. So what can I do to bring back that connection? And, you know, I'm so thankful for all those times we've been married. We've been together about 20 years. We've been married 18. But all those times I've come to Dave and I've said, sweetie, I just feel like there's a disconnect. He's always said, okay, well, what do you think it is? Like, what can I do? What. Is there something I'm doing or not doing that is causing this feeling?

Yeah. And because, listen, if one spouse, like Ashley just said that, there was so much wisdom in what she just said. If one spouse believes there's an issue, then there's an issue. Yeah. If one spouse believes there's a disconnect, then there's a disconnect. And you've got to both be proactive about that. There's a. I try to read a chapter in Proverbs every day. There's 31 chapters in the Bible's book of Proverbs. 31 days in most months, just one chapter a day. Those couple minutes will really, really just kind of reset your mind on what relationships and what life is supposed to look like. And there's this one little verse in Proverbs that you could read right over and not think it applies to relationships. But I think it's so poignant and so wise, and it's talking in the context of, like, a shepherd, what makes for a wise shepherd. And it says you have to know the condition of your flocks. And applying that to other parts of our life, you have to know the condition of whatever it is that's entrusted to you of value. So in marriage, you have to know the condition of your marriage. That means you have to examine, just like a wise shepherd and has this every day. Examine every single. Every single sheep in his flock to see, Are they injured? Are they hungry? Are they well fed? Are they. What do they need that I can provide? You and your marriage have to look at every aspect of your marriage and say, is our. Is our communication where it needs to be? Is our intimacy where it needs to be? Is our sex life where it needs to be? Is our time alone together where it needs to be? Is my. Does my spouse believe that we're in a healthy place, even though I might think that we are? But if he or she feels like there's a disconnect and am I really listening and giving validation to that? And we have to know the condition of our flock, in this case, we have to know the condition of our marriage and constantly be cultivating it.

Absolutely. That's so well said, honey. I love that. I don't know if I've ever heard you talk about that particular proverb, but that, you know, how we shepherd the flock, so to speak, that God has entrusted to us is so. That's so wise. You know, another warning light that I think we really need to pay attention to is the tone in which we speak to each other. If there is this negative, biting, sharp tone every time you talk to your spouse, even if you're not saying, like, bad words at them, like not name calling, it could be the most biting tone ever. And what you're saying isn't bad, It's. Or cold.

It's just kind of like monotone, like.

Yes.

There's no animation, no feeling.

Yeah, that is a huge warning light. That's a huge warning light that's saying, okay, something's off. Something needs to be tended to. And really what it is is it's a sign of a hardened heart towards your spouse. And it may be one of you doing this, it may be both of you doing this, but I promise you, it's hurting both of you.

Well, and it's also just a sign of not being thoughtful. Even if your heart isn't completely hard. Sometimes you're going through the day and you're having to be on at work, and you're having to smile at customers and give your best to other people. And then you feel like, well, my spouse is a safe place where I can just really let down. But in letting down and looking at them as a safe space, what you might unintentionally do is disrespect them by just being dead in the way you respond to them. Like, all day, you're like, hey, how are you doing? Oh, my goodness. It's so good to see you. Great to see you. And then your spouse calls, and you're like, hey, yeah, I'm just. Yeah, it's going okay.

And we can all be guilty of this.

We all can be guilty of that. But if that becomes the go to. I mean, all of us have moments.

That's the norm for you, right?

But if our norm is, I'm not gonna give my spouse my best. I'm gonna give him my leftovers, and then they're going to be warning lights eventually popping up all over your marriage.

And I love how Dave said letting down. I think we should be able to let down with each other, but there's a difference in letting go. You can't let go of all your faculties and, like, just treat your spouse like however you're feeling in the moment, because that would be terrible. And honestly, it's. It's very unhealthy, and it really hurts your spouse's heart. You know, they may not tell you right then and there, but it's very hurtful when you talk to the person you're spending your whole life with, and they act like they could care less if they see you and like, that you're just their kind of place to just yell and let all the rage out. That's very unhealthy. And it's emotionally abusive. I mean, when it goes on a long time, that is a way that you are emotionally abusing one another. So you got to get that, you know, rein that in. Start treating each other with respect, with love, and really pay attention to your tone. I think so many times we don't even realize how we come off. Like, I've certainly had moments like that when I can look in Dave's eyes and I can see, oh, I said something with some stank on it. Like, that was not what I meant, but I did. And it's like he was like, whoa, where'd that come from? So I think we have to pay attention to how our spouse responds and then take a step back. And really, we have to humble ourselves towards God first, but then also towards our spouse and say, wait a minute. Have I been just in a season of biting your head off with my tone? Because I don't wanna do that, and I'm so sorry. You know, we need to seek forgiveness and then not just say we're sorry, but take actions to start doing things differently. And this takes time. And I know I've mentioned this on here before, but I'm gonna briefly mention it again. If you guys are in a place in your relationship where when you're in the same room and you're having a conversation, there's either nasty words said or a nasty tone every time. It may take you guys stepping back and writing down what's really on your heart, then editing it to be more respectful, and then giving it to each other and kind of having a moment where you're like, listen, we're gonna kind of start over for a moment and get ourselves back on, you know, in the same level ground, so to speak, where we can really talk about what's going on and we can really share our hearts. And this takes intentionality. I mean, it takes great intentionality because when we're mad or when we're ticked off or we're tired or whatever, we don't really think that way. We don't think clearly. I hope maybe this is your wake up call, listening to this podcast, because we all need it. I mean, Dave and I have certainly needed this through our marriage, but we have to be willing to take that step back to really humble ourselves towards God and towards each other and to do things differently. And I promise you, when you do that, it will kind of fill your tank, so to speak. It will. You know, that dashboard, that light's gonna go off because it's gonna be good again, and you're gonna be on that better, in a better place to talk with more respect and to actually get somewhere in your conversation. Because it's really hard to actually have a conversation that goes anywhere when you're just mad at each other and screaming at each other.

It's true. It's true. And while, again, your spouse should be a safe place where you guys can process whatever frustration you're feeling, if you're treating your spouse like the dumpster of your life, where their primary purpose is just to receive all the dumping that you. You have to give, then that's going to get out of balance real fast. And so while we need to be intentional about not doing that, we also need to be intentional about when your spouse seems to be doing that. To believe the best in them and to not think, oh, well, they just disrespect me, or they don't care, or they're always negative, but to really believe the best in them and say, you know what? I know they love me, I know they respect me. They're stressed right now, and I'm going to choose to see the best in them. And then for both spouses to not fall into what I call the cable company marriage, because the cable company, they Treat their people like when they're trying to woo you. They give you the best. We're going to give you all our channels, you, the best prices, the best package, everything we got because we care about you. And then you sign up and realize all of that was just an introductory offer. And after the first six months or year is over, then they have an opposite approach. And they're like, instead of giving you all that we have, we're going to give you as little as we can to keep you around. And then a year or two in, you realize, oh, my goodness, I've got half the channels I used to have. I'm paying twice as much, the reception is spotty, and I can't get anybody to call me back. And a lot of marriages are like that at the beginning. You're giving your best. I'm going to give my best to you. I'm going to be on. I'm going to be encouraging and polite and respectful.

I'm going to be available, available.

If you want to talk until 2 in the morning, baby, we're going to stay up talking. I'm going to be there for you and give you my best. But then as the relationship goes on, a lot of us, we start acting like the cable company. We're like, what's the minimum amount I can give to this person and keep them around? And that is a recipe for a toxic marriage. And yet it's easy to fall into. We don't think of it like that when we're falling into it. We're just thinking, I'm busy. I've got work, I've got all these other things, and my spouse. I can just kind of put them on the. On the shelf for just a little bit, and we'll get to that later. You can't do that. You can never put your marriage on the shelf, so to speak. You've always got to keep giving each other your best through every season.

It's so true. You know, we all go through stressful seasons. We are all going to have trouble. You know, Jesus himself said, in this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world. So we know we're gonna have some messy stuff in our lives and in our marriages, but we can't let our response to a stressful season become a new negative habit. And that's why we're talking about these warning lights. Because when you realize it's happening, don't ignore it. Whether you realize it about yourself or you realize it about your spouse. And just like Dave said, You know, assume the best in each other, but also don't allow this negative behavior to keep on going. Go to your spouse in love and be very calm about it and say, listen, I know you didn't mean what you said, but it really hurt me. And you probably don't realize you're coming off this way, but, you know, I can tell something's going on. You know, is something going on at work or is something, have I done something? Because I can tell that life is just treating you kind of like some rough sandpaper right now and you feel raw and you're responding in ways that isn't like you. And when we kind of just, you know, bring it out in the open, talk about it, that's when we can truly address it. I mean, you know, you gotta bring things out into the light. You can't just keep them in the dark and act like it's going to go away. Because problems only get worse in the dark. We have to bring them to the light.

Yeah, that is so true. And I think one way to bring them to the light is to ask your spouse, like just really, really obvious, poignant questions. Stuff like, hey, what are the things we were doing at the beginning of our relationship that we've stopped doing that you'd like to start again? Or do you feel like there was ever a time in our marriage we were closer to each other than we are right now? And if so, what were we doing then that we're not doing now and how do we get back to that? Or to just kind of really be vulnerable and say, is there anything I'm doing or not doing that you would like me to change so that we could be closer to one another. And then in addition to having those really honest conversations where you just decide in advance, I'm not going to get my feelings hurt based on what my thoughts? Because that's hard.

It can be sometimes a little bit hard to hear.

Yeah. And you don't, you're not going to get defensive if they say, well, yeah, you kind of are. And then you just slide and say, well, yeah, but look at what you're doing. You know, you're doing this like you, you need to be able to talk about these things, but do it in a way that's going to be life giving. And through all throughout that, continue to do things, to invest in each other. And we're always talking about those kind of resources. You know, we provide a lot of them. Whether it's our, you know, coming to one of our live exo Marriage conference events or, you know, downloading our free. We've got a free devotional you can download@daveandashleywillis.com we try to put as many resources out there as possible. Many of them are free by the. To help you and your spouse stay connected, just like this podcast. And so just by what you're doing now, you're already. You're already on this path. Yeah. You're listening right now, which means you care about your marriage. You're trying to get better. So pat yourself on the back for that and say, you know what? We're doing something. I'm doing something to head in the right direction.

Absolutely. You know, another thing that I think is a huge warning light when it comes to your marriage is if you are not having sex, like, you have just stopped having sex. And even just maybe having physical intimacy in general. Like, you're not ever holding hands, you're not ever kissing. There's no affection. It's like you just avoid each other physically. You know, I know we first talked about avoid each other in conversation, but I mean, like, you don't want them to touch you. Like, you're like, I don't want them to touch me. That's a warning light. And I know there's certain seasons, and I've recently got a message from a friend of mine who had just had a baby, and she said she felt like she didn't want her husband to touch her, but she's in the midst of actually healing. So, I mean, that's a very short, specific season where your body is healing after having a baby, and the doctor even gives you orders to not be intimate for a time because your body's healing. I'm not talking about those seasons. I'm talking about where it's like a prolonged. And there's no reason, per se, no medical reason to not have sex, but you've just stopped having sex, and you're not even talking about it. You're not even really addressing the issue. And. And when you really think about that, you feel hurt. You know, you feel hurt or angry about it, and there's this negative emotion attached to the thought of having sex with your spouse. That's a huge warning light.

That's huge. Gosh, that is huge. And we've. We've had a lot of. We. We could spend hours right now talking about that. But if that is an issue that's happening in your marriage, I encourage you to go back, listen to the episodes we've done specifically on sexual intimacy. You know, check out our book, the Naked Marriage, which, again, we talk a lot about some of the things that can lead to that drought in marriage. We talk a lot about some of the struggles we've had in our own marriage. Yes, there are so many resources out there, but you don't have to stay stuck in that way. You know, that is a huge warning light. And I think. I'm so glad, sweetie, you brought that up, because I think maybe that's one of the biggest ones, just based on the questions that we get emails, we get the messages on Facebook and Instagram. For those of you who write us, thank you, by the way, for corresponding with us in those ways. We love hearing from you, but this is a real issue. This sexless marriage is so, so sadly common. And it is one of the biggest warning lights. And it is a death sentence for a marriage if it goes on for too long.

When it comes to addressing this warning light, like Dave said, we have entire episodes on this. But just in a nutshell, it really comes down to addressing it head on and saying, like, listen, it's been months since we've had sex. It's been years since we've had sex. And I want to get our intimacy back. You know, I know neither of us saw ourselves being in this predicament, but we need to get it back. And what I wanna remind you, if you're listening and this is where you are, you've been married 25 years and you haven't had sex in months or years. It's a process getting that back because you kind of shut down that part of your relationship. So it's gonna take a little bit to get the motor running, so to speak. And so you need to give yourself space to become intimate again. Start slowly, but don't lose hope. I think, you know, not too slowly. Not too slowly. But I'm saying, like, it is hard, you know. Cause you feel like it's this foreign thing because you've not done it in so long. And so it's like you're reintroducing yourself to each other. And so, you know, definitely work. Like Dave said, don't be too slow about it. Like, definitely work towards getting back the full intimate life that you both desire. But it's also. It all starts with conversation. You know, we always say intimacy doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts with conversation. And it's sharing your hearts with one another again. Talking about what you want and what you like and. And not just physically, but just in your relationship. Date again, you know, Date again.

Date Night.

I think a lot of times the sexual intimacy stops because we've stopped dating, because we've stopped engaging, we've stopped laughing together. I can't tell you how much laughter is one of the most intimate things you can share together. And that may sound silly to some of you listening, but think about it. Laughter brings you to a level of intimacy that is deeper than even some conversations you could have, because it's a level of being known and knowing each other.

It really, really is. You know, there was like a funny line in the sitcom one time, but I thought it was actually pretty telling where a guy was talking to his guy friend and he said he was dating this girl, and he goes, my relationship with her, it's over. I thought it was maybe some warning signs, but it's over. I know. And he said, how do you know? And he said, I saw her laughing with another man. And his friend said, oh, that's terrible. Are you sure they weren't just kissing?

It's like laughter's even more intimate.

It was kind of poignant, too, that laughter. Shared laughter is such an intimate thing. And so that's another warning light as well.

I was just gonna.

Sweetie.

Another warning light.

If you're not laughing together, you know, right up there with not having sex and some of these other things we've said. That is a. That is a huge, huge warning light. Now, in just a second, we're going to jump into our segment where we answer this week's question. Thank you. By the way, for those who've been sending in questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com Sweetie, before we dive into this week's question, any final thoughts on the warning lights?

No, I think. I know we haven't spent much time on. On laughter, but I do think that is one where. Especially if you're in, like, a crisis season where you're going through something where you're dealing with an illness or maybe your child has been wayward, or maybe your child is ill, or maybe work is especially stressful. That is one where I think we tend to put that on the back burner and we think, well, I can't laugh because life is hard, but the truth is that laughter is what you need in those moments when life is hard. And it's really just about sharing your inside jokes. You know, one of our favorite shows is the Office, and one of my favorite parts of the show is Jim and Pam. If you guys watch the Office, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, please watch it. It's hilarious if you want to have some laugh. But Jim and Pam, their, their biggest connection point is their inside jokes, their laughter with one another. And I always love that part of the relationship because no matter what life throws your way, it's like in your relationship, you know, you, you know your spouse well. And I want you guys to think back to when you first met your spouse, when you were first dating. What were those things that made you laugh? What were those little one liners you guys would give to each other? And, and that's the things that kind of bring that back into your relationship and remember why you were first attracted to each other and what used to make you enjoy life together and keep on doing those things and keep on discovering new things, you know? Cause we can always, there's always a reason to have joy and laughter, but sometimes it takes more searching, especially if you're in that hard season. But my point in this is don't stop searching for it. Keep on praying together. That's another one I wanted to get to. And we'll talk more about that another episode. Keep on praying together. Keep on finding reasons to laugh together, spending time together, being intentional about your, how you communicate. And I promise you, your marriage will be so much stronger and so much more enjoyable for it.

Boom. That is so good. You are as wise as you are beautiful, my love. All right, we're going to dive into today's question. Thank you again for all those who've submitted questions. We got a good one today. It says, my husband and I seem to get into the most heated arguments just before bed.

Oh, yes.

When I want to find a solution, he just wants to go to bed and sleep on it. I've heard over and over not to go to bed angry, but sometimes we do it and it just makes it so much worse the next day. How do we overcome this before we dive in just as a preview for next week, next week's episode. So go ahead and mark your calendars for this. Bedroom behaviors, we'll call it, just to give you a sneak preview. But it's not about sex. And so we're going to kind of talk about kind of the bedroom dynamics. And this kind of fits into that. And I can totally get this. Not so much the argument part, but Ashley and I are on.

This is so us.

Like, I was scheduled where at night, she's just ready to go. She's ready to talk. She's ready to, like, solve the world's problem. She's ready to paint the house and start new projects. I am at my worst, my absolute worst at night. And anything that happens after 10pm I can't be held responsible for is how I feel. And so your husband is probably just wired up like me. It's like he wants, maybe I'm assuming the best in him. He wants to address this, but he knows he's at his worst at that moment and. And that if he stays awake and tries to fight through it every night, that it's going to actually lead to a worse place because he's going to get grumpier and grumpier and he's not going to think clearly and he's going to be short and he's going to. And he doesn't want that. He wants to sleep on it and be at his best. Now, I understand the wife's frustration, too, that she's like, in real time, let's deal with this.

Like, I'm not going to sleep well.

Let'S not hit the snooze. But, yeah, you just drop this stink bomb in the bedroom, and then now you're going to make me sleep in it. You know, I'm going to throw this to you, sweetie. But I would say part of it is really look at the cycle that's leading you into arguments at bedtime anyway and figure out how can we really communicate and work through these instead of this cycle of nightly unresolved communication? How can we address this at a time when both of us feel like we're at our best? And I think that's part of it, to just redefine the whole process, the routine leading up to bedtime, where it can be a positive thing for both of you. And again, we're going to talk more about that specifically in next week's episode, in some ways. But, um, sweetie, what are your thoughts specifically on this question?

No, I totally agree with that. I think they're kind of stuck in a negative cycle where they tend to maybe talk about the hard parts of the day right before bed. And what I would say is I would have that conversation in an earlier part of the day, like maybe right when you guys both get home from work and the kids are maybe, you know, I know. I. I get it. Life is busy. You know, you're probably running them everywhere, and there's all this different places you have to be, but have that conversation not right before bed. And I would say instead, before bed. I don't know if you're currently doing this, but I would encourage you to pray out loud like there is nothing that will bring more peace to your marriage and also peace to your sleep than praying before bed, because it really kind of recalibrates your marriage. It gives you a reason to be thankful for one another. It also prepares your minds and hearts for what God has for you. But it also is super hard to stay angry at someone and pray for them at the same time. And I know you've heard me say this before on the podcast, but if you don't believe me, I challenge you to do it. I challenge you. Cause I've tried. I've been mad before and I've tried. And I promise you, God will not let you. Right. He won't necessarily change your circumstances, but he will soften your hearts towards each other. And so I encourage you to do that. And also, maybe, you know, instead of having those intense conversations right before bed, think of something you're thankful for for that day. And this may sound super cheesy, but when you're caught in that negative cycle and you're going to bed angry every night, be willing to do something different. Talk about maybe two things that were good, that happened that you're thankful for and tell your spouse about it. And I think that this will get you out of this rut that you seem to be in right now. But I promise you, there's hope. Thank you for writing that question. If you guys have any questions, you can always write us a question@nakedmarriagepodcast.com and hopefully it'll be on the podcast.

And one thing I'd add to that, because I know that this wife has a legitimate concern that she wants these problems to be resolved.

Absolutely.

One part of our communication routine that I think is the most helpful thing we've done is that we go on a walk almost every night.

Yes.

And it's before bed. It's when both of us still have some energy and we go on a walk around the neighborhood for most men. Studies have shown that men tend to open up more when they're in motion, when they're side by side, when they're engaged in an activity. So a walk for most guys is going to bring out conversation in a way where he's going to be at his best. And that way you're going to be able to talk through these things without the pressure of laying in bed, exhaust with one of you exhausted. And so maybe add a nightly walk to the routine. But whatever that rhythm is for you.

And definitely resolve the issue. So please don't misunderstand us in acting like they shouldn't be resolved. They are absolutely something to be addressed, but maybe change the. The way you're doing it or the time of day you're doing it.

So good. So good. All right, guys. Hey, thank you so much for listening to this. Just as some kind of quick final notes, thanks again for those who subscribe who share the word about this podcast. Together we're helping get the word out to a lot of folks helping people in countries all around the world, and you are helping make that happen. So wherever you're listening, thank you.

We will see you next time.