What is a Naked Marriage?

Hey, guys. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. And on this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And on this episode, which is episode 20. Can't believe we've had 20 episodes.

20. Where has the time gone?

And we have special guests today. It's our friends, Scott and Leah Silveri.

Yeah, these are some of our very, very best friends. They have helped us in publishing the brand new book the Naked Marriage, which releases this week. The long awaited release through Marriage Today has just launched their publishing arm, XO Publishing. Scott and Lee have been instrumental in that as the content production coordinators. They've really helped guide us through this whole process. And they're also the founders of Blue Marriage. So they have a ministry of their own where they reach out to help first responders, police officers, firefighters. These are just some of our very, very favorite folks. They're a blended family of seven, been married for four years. Leah is a New York Times bestselling author. Scott and Leah write books together as well, which are really entertaining. I just read one of them myself. So we are going to have a lot of fun today and celebrate the launch of this new book.

That's right. So let's dive in.

Well, as you heard in the intro, our dear friends Scott and Leah are here with us, the Silveres. What I did not say in the intro is that they might be the world's most interesting couple.

They are.

They are. You know, Scott's got, you know, got a PhD or two or three maybe, you know, he was a police chief. He could beat Mr. T in arm wrestling. His beard has magical powers. Leah is a New York Times bestselling author stepping away from her book deadline to help us. They have been so instrumental in helping us with this Naked Marriage book project. So thankful for their friendship and their partnership on this. Their expertise has really helped guide the process and help create the end result of the Naked marriage book, which we're gonna be talking about today. You guys are listening right now. You're getting a sneak preview of this book. You're gonna hear the secrets, the behind the scenes secrets, and some of the main themes in the book. We're so excited to jump in and have this conversation.

That's right. Week is launch week and we just could not be more excited. And Scott and Leah put in so much work with the publishing side of things. And so they have read it multiple times just like us. And so we're gonna talk about these things, like what's in the book, what you're gonna learn different questions and things that you'll talk about with your spouse. And so we're gonna dive right in. You know, one of the biggest themes that I'm so excited about with this book is just the way that we connect with our spouse, because we hear from so many couples where they are struggling to connect. You know, they've been married a long time, maybe they've been married a short time, but they just don't have that connection, and they feel like they're doing life together but not really enjoying each other. So what Scott and Leah, like, what are some things when you were reading Naked Marriage that you feel like you. You know, that readers will learn about connecting with your spouse?

I think a lot of it is just conversation. Well, first of all, thank you guys for having us. We love to meet up with you guys. We love y', all, but, you know, just the communication. And I think we forget how to communicate, especially when we have children. They become our source of communication, you know, and it's like it becomes more of a schedule of communication instead of a, like, let's sit down and talk face to face. And you really lose sight of that as you're going through life together. And then all of a sudden, your kids are gone, and then you have no idea who you are or who each other, you know, but, you know, so it's really just having that conversation. And, you know, as we were reading through the book and reading through the book again, and first of all, this book is so funny, you guys. There's stories in here, and I was like, I can see that happening, and I don't know if I can look Dave and Ashley in the face.

Oh, my gosh.

I know there's some.

We probably should have put a rating on it, like tv. Ma, this story is. This story is very naked, right?

And it was. It was naked. You know, the one I'm talking about. But.

Catch him, catch him, catch him, catch him.

Oh, my gosh.

Don't tell Nana. That's all I have to say.

Don't tell Nana.

Mom, if you're listening, you're gonna learn a lot in this book.

A lot of surprises in this book.

You know, what I really appreciated is, as the name implies, the naked marriage is the level of transparency that it takes. You know, we do. You know, I know women get. They traditionally get focused on their kids and the nesting, and the husbands will go off on their careers and hobbies, but. And we forget to be transparent. We start layering these different filters in our lives, and with Our spouse. It should be. There should be no filters. We look back, and we're like, oh, my gosh, who has she become? When, in fact, it's probably us that have made the change. And you guys broke right through that with the whole transparency aspect. And Leah's right. Like, we were so fortunate. And I want to say thank you as well. We do love y', all, but we feel, you know, we got to read it first and then read it through the editing process and. And we were, like, laughing and laughing, and I was texting Dave, and y' all probably go to bed at, like, 8 at night, and I texted you at 2 in the morning. But, I mean, it's like, there's so much. There's so much treasure in that book that I was like, I've got to text you right now. And I've got to tell you that.

I loved this story. It would make my night.

Yeah.

Like, I'd get that text at 2 in the morning. I'm like, okay, either somebody's dead, or Scott has read something he's really liked in the book, and every time, it was something you'd read, and I loved it. I was like, yes. That's awesome.

Yeah. I mean, we love that when somebody's like, okay, I can laugh at this. I can laugh at their stories. And sometimes, you know, it's awkward moments where we're not even necessarily always painting ourselves in the best light because we're just being honest. But what we found through the years is, you know, we tend to listen to people more intently when they are honest, and we feel like they're not presenting this, like, perfect, you know, Persona, because we're certainly not perfect, and we're the first to say that. And, you know, when it comes to speaking to other married couples, we just feel like, you know, we can use what we've learned and teach them, and hopefully they can learn something through our own stories. And, of course, you know, the Bible. This book has a lot of our stories in it, but it also is rich in the word. You know, we talk a lot about what God has to say about marriage. In fact, the entire title, as we've talked. You guys are gonna hate us by the end of this podcast talking about the naked marriage and where we got that. But for those of you who aren't sure, and maybe you're just tuning in for the first time today, it all comes back to the very first married couple, Adam and Eve, and how they were naked and unashamed in the garden, and there were no secrets. And there were no, like Dave likes to say, there were no in laws, there were no children involved yet. There were no jobs that they were doing that were stressful. And there was no sin at that point. You know, we hadn't had the serpent come in and try to get them to go against God and each other. And it's just this beautiful picture of nakedness on every single level, physically, mentally, spiritually. And that's what we want everyone to have. And we truly believe every married couple can have that. And so, you know, even if we make ourselves look like fools in the process of trying to unveil kind of what this really means, we're for it. Right, sweetie?

That's right. Get naked.

Sometimes you'll probably cringe. Sometimes you'll just laugh hysterically.

There's sometimes nakedness makes me cringe, like when I'm at the gym. And there's something about the older a man is, the more he wants to be naked at the gym. And so these like 80 year old guys just love to walk around naked. And yesterday one was like, earl, is that you? I didn't recognize you with your clothes on. That was an actual conversation I had tmi. So sometimes nakedness, maybe, you know, dudes at the gym, you know, feel free to cover it up, but in marriage, in marriage, nakedness is a really good thing. That's kind of one of the overall themes in the book is not only the physical nakedness, the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy in marriage, but it's way beyond that because nakedness is a picture that God paints of emotional, spiritual transparency. And so Scott and Leah, what are some of the, maybe some of the themes or one theme or one, one thing that stuck out to you. And what I love about you guys is among many other things that you do, you're such marriage advocates yourself. I mean, you founded Blue Marriage. Scott comes from a law enforcement background, has been a police, police chief and an undercover, done all kinds of stuff. You guys have a heart for those first responders and many of the folks on the front line where marriages really struggle because of the stress and the strain. And so maybe particularly for those who are listening and one or both spouses is in some kind of career, maybe they are a first responder, but maybe it's a different career where, where the schedule and the pressure of work and life is just pulling on them so much that they feel like that maybe they're drifting apart or they're butting heads maybe. What are some of the themes in this book that could help give Hope to those folks.

No, I think that you really hit it on the head. And actually, all of these themes that y' all are talking about in the book are things that, I mean, this is not just like out of the norm couple stuff. You know, these are things that every couple deals with at some point.

And.

And I think on the law enforcement front of things like the transparency and the no secrets, because that's something that we dealt with. And it was. I mean, it was devastating to our marriage. And we see that time and time and time again in law enforcement couples. And so I think even a book like this, it's geared toward everybody but law enforcement couples and first responder couples are gonna really gain a wealth of knowledge from the book, just because, I mean, you can't have those secrecies and cops. I think especially, you know, in those first responders, everything is on that phone, and it's like, mine, mine, mine, you know, and my job, my secrets, my. And you're living this whole other life. And that's where sin really starts to creep in. In the secrets.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And the secrets. And, you know, and I've heard you guys say it before, you know, it's like those secrets are. They're just a killer of intimacy. You know, you can't have intimacy with secrets. And. But that transparency, it is so essential to marriage, you know, And I mean everything. And I think there's a lot of fear in couples, like, well, if they know who I really am or if they know what I'm really doing, or if they see my sin, you know, then there's no hope for it. But really there's hope in truth. Yes. And, you know, and so when you have that transparency, that truth, you know, you can really start to bond together and create the marriage that God intended for you to have.

And one of the themes that I appreciated was similar to transparency is accountability. And, you know, there is. We're adults. We're supposed to hold ourselves accountable. And, you know, when we bond ourselves to one another, as in Genesis, the two become one. There's a sense of mutual accountability. And you know, that, like Leah said, the secret keeping, you know, we do, you know, we go through that courting phase where we're showing our best face. And you guys talk about some of your early days in the book and. And then, you know, you never move sometimes through the. My best face to my real face. And of course, you know, when you get married, a lot of people think the wedding is where it ends. It's just where it Begins the beauty of it all. But the book helps you transfer from that my best face to my real face. And to show that who you really are is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful in the sight of Christ, in the sight of your spouse. But we do, we fear that accountability, because it's like, what if they won't accept me for who I am? And of course the fear is if I showed you who I was, we probably would have never made it to the altar. But we've made it. So now what do I do? I've got this secret, I've got this facade. And that's where the naked side comes is, like Dave said, not just physical nakedness, which is amazing, but the spiritual side, the emotional side.

The physical's awesome too, just for the record, right?

The men are like, oh, this emotional nakedness is, is like so amazing.

I want to get emotionally naked with you emotionally naked. But it really is all of it coming together because, yeah, even your sex life is going to be much better when it's not just physical. Because the way God intended it, it's not just physical. I mean, animals can have the physical act of sex, but we as children of God, as human beings created in his image, we have this emotional spiritual capacity that goes with it that really creates this oneness in that union. And that's what God designs. And so one thing I hope the book does as people read it, is maybe they become more self aware of the masks that they're wearing that they don't even realize that they're wearing, or secrets that they're keeping that they don't even necessarily realize are secrets. I mean, sure, there are the big ones. You know, if there's like some hidden sin in your life that needs to come out, obviously confess that. But when we talk about secrets, sometimes it's things that you just wouldn't even think to communicate. Maybe it's an insecurity that you're carrying, maybe it's something from your past that really has had an impact on you that you've never really worked through or communicated. But we hope this book really helps husbands and wives to get just real and raw and honest and naked with themselves, with each other, with God in ways that they never have before. And the end result of that will be more intimacy, more connection, more friendship at the heart of their marriage than they thought was possible.

Definitely. And, you know, one thing Leah said that I love is she said, you know, I think this book is for everybody. And so I want to talk to you guys. Like, how do you think what do you think, like, newlyweds would get from this, Blended families would get from this, or people who've been married, you know, 30 plus years? What do you think? How do you think it can resonate with each of those different demographics?

Well, Leah looks at me.

Yeah.

I mean, biblical truths transcend every stage of marriage and relationship. So that's the first thing, because it is what you said. We, like, we feel like we know y' all as friends, but then we read about y', all and. And then we're not really sure we want to still be friends.

Right. I don't want to know them that well.

Know a little too much.

Right, right, right.

No, totally. Hey, look, the power in witness is so amazing. And you guys are so willing to share your witness without transparency. I mean, without. Without filters and totally in transparency. So we love that, we appreciate. And that's where the value adds to everybody. Because everyone sees themselves in your stories. And so no matter what phase of life, those biblical truths, like I said, they transcend whether you're dating, you're married, you're blended, or you're celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary. So you guys mixed it so beautifully, where it's not just a daily devotional, it is a life marriage devotional wrapped around the beauty of your relationship as married and parents. So that's where I see the power of the trans. Where it translates to all those different demographics.

And that's what I was gonna say to you. That's why I looked at you. I knew we were on the same wavelength.

Same wavelength, that's right. But we love that because, you know, some people just want to get the book and read it. And some people, if they're like me, I like to read books, like, just all at once. Like, I don't know why I'm that way, but I do. And plains are the best place to read a book all at once, I think. But, you know, you can take it little by little. You can do the study if you're a really structured person. That's awesome. Maybe you wanna go through it, doing the study, reading it a chapter at a time. But it'll be. You know, there's just. Everybody can get something from this. I feel like every kind of person and just like Scott said, every phase of life, every season of marriage, you know, there's something that we all can learn from this.

Right? And those. The small group study in the back. You know, I'm glad you brought that up. Cause it's. I think it's really great, you know, Because a lot of times we don't know where to start. Right. And it's just that communication issue, you know, of. Well, I wanna talk, but what do we talk about? You know, and I want to know more about you. I want to get closer, I want to be more intimate. But you know, there's not a jumping off place, you know, and so like the questions back there and just those simple. I mean, you never know what's going to come out of a simple question. So true. And you know, we've had a lot of amazing conversations just based on, you know, a question one of us asked that led to something a lot deeper and a lot more emotional than we thought it was, you know, of.

And that's. And you know, with the book and the 10 week discussion guide at the back, it really makes it a life application because, you know, you do. I mean, I like to read on the planes too, you know, and then audiobook. And I know that's another thing. Is this y' all's first. I know you've.

This is the. No, we kind of had a homemade version. It's actually not even, not even out there anymore.

This is homemade tapes, the only audiobook.

From us that is going to be available. So we, we, we recorded. The process of recording together is, was really a fun process. You know, we've got to, got to go to the studio in Dallas where, you know, like at least one president of the United States has recorded an audiobook. Just a bunch, they've done a bunch of great, great work at this particular place. And so I'm really excited to, you know, to make, make that audiobook available. And if you guys are listening and you prefer you like listening, which, you know, obviously you like it some because you're listening to a podcast and check out that audiobook, you can get it on Audible, on itunes, wherever audiobooks are available. Coming back to one of the main themes of the book, because I think this is one of those things we throw out and it might be one of those things where folks are like, that sounds weird, I don't know what that means. And we're talking about nakedness. And you're like, I get nakedness physically, but what does spiritual nakedness look like? And so I want to talk about that for just a minute. And there's a lot that goes into that. The Bible says, really our real battle isn't, isn't a physical battle. It's not against flesh and blood, the Bible says, but our real battle is against these invisible forces in the spiritual world. It's these negative things that can happen in your mind and all around you that can have the biggest impact on your marriage, even though you cannot see them with your eyes. And I think that all of us can understand that part of it. That we understand that there are things happening that are impacting us that we can't necessarily put our hands around and we can't see with our eyes. So that are even more real sometimes than the clothing that we're wearing. And so when we talk about getting naked, spiritually, it means taking off all of that baggage and oppression and negativity and all of the junk that really can hold us back from living the full life God wants us to live. And definitely having the marriage God wants us to have.

And I think shame is a part of that, too. You know, going back to that story of the very first married couple, Adam and Eve, and the stories in Genesis, many of us are familiar with it, but I think if we really kind of take it piece by piece, you know, if you remember when the serpent comes in the garden and he tempts them. And then essentially first Eve went to the tree where she ate the apple. And it was like, all of a sudden, you know, she realizes they're naked. And then what's the next thing she does? She runs and hides, you know. Well, first she talks to Adam about it and says, you do it too, Adam. And then they run and hide together. Okay, so there's shame all of a sudden, and it's like, I gotta hide. I'm hiding. And then they're literally hiding from God, like. Which is so crazy. Cause we can't hide from God. But that's what we do when we feel ashamed. And it could be something that we've done, it can be something that someone did to us. But whatever it is, you know, when we try to hide from God and then we try to hide from our spouse, spiritually speaking, you know, we close our heart. In the Bible, it talks about a hardened heart. You know, when we have a hardened heart towards God or towards our spouse, it really. It puts this ceiling on our marriage to where we're just kind of in this stale state. And we just truly believe that God wants us to have a vibrant marriage in every season. And it's gonna look different in every season, you know? Cause, like, right now, Scott and Lee and Dave and I, we're all in the trenches of raising kids. So right now, that's kind of the season that we're in. But there's gonna come a day when those Kids, you know, are grown. It's gonna look a lot different, and we're gonna have different kinds of conversations. But that doesn't mean our marriage becomes stale. It means we keep on growing together, and we keep on kind of taking the scales off our eyes and. And really kind of peeling the hardness off our heart and bearing all to one another. And, you know, I love. You know, whenever that you're at a wedding, it talks kind of about this in the verses that you hear, even in some of the vows that we make that we are bearing all. And I think so many times, though, as life gets busy, as it gets hard, and maybe we get disappointed with our marriage or our life circumstances, that's. I think, when we start saying, you know what? I'm going to hide, because I'm hurt and I'm scared. But the crazy thing about it is when we are kind of in that scary state of vulnerability, that's when really the magic happens. That's when God comes in. Cause we're being vulnerable with God. We're being open and honest and transparent with God and with our spouse, and it's just this amazing thing. And that's why. I mean, that's why we wrote this book, because we truly believe that it's not like, oh, only those who meet their soulmate, like, we throw around this word, soulmate, are gonna have a happy marriage. We truly believe that each and every one of you listening can have an amazing marriage. And that you have, you know, you have God and you have the two of you, and he has an amazing. An amazing journey for both of you. But we have to be willing to be open and honest and, you know.

Like, I mean, Satan just hates marriage so much, you know, and it's. We were meeting with a pastor, our pastor from our old church in Louisiana, and he was like, who would have ever thought that y' all would have made it through what you've been through and to get to this point right now, and our marriage would not be where it's not where it's at right now, you know, if we had not really dug in, if we both had not made that commitment to be like, all right, we're gonna figure this out. We're gonna stick. We're gonna go through whatever we have to do to get there, and it would have been so much easier to walk away. I mean, that would have been the easy choice. The easy choice, you know, but to stick and. And fight through it and fight for each other, you know, that's the hard part, you know, and to really dig deep, you know, and you're talking about that transparency and man, it does. It goes all the way back to childhood, you know, and unpacking all of these things, all these hurts, all these wounds, all these, you know, the guilt and the shame and things like that that, you know, and you might not even think of it, you're a child, you know, it's like they don't even come up, you know, it's like, well, why do I react this way to my spouse? Why do I, you know, and you just have all this baggage, whether you want to or not. You know, we all have some form of baggage at that point. But, you know, it's like every day, I mean, just Satan, I mean, Adam and Eve, they had it so easy. They could have just like, why did they do that? Why did they do that? You know, it's like they had the best and then screwed it up for everybody else. But, you know, I mean, every day, you know, those whispers in your ears, you know, of, well, why didn't he do that? Or. Or why doesn't he treat me like this? Or, I mean, just all the time, those little darts, you know, he's throwing those darts at your marriage and it's so easy to let him fester and to get big and to grow. And so if you don't have that transparency and that ability to be like, hey, you know, this is bothering me, or this is, and just come out with it and then at the same time have that ability to listen and, you know, it's a two sided operation, you know, to listen with compassion and understanding without being defensive. You know, those are things you learn together, you know, and, you know, things like this book are, you know, they're gonna guide you through those processes, you know, and because it's never just one person, you know, there's two people in the marriage. And so it's important to remember that, you know, when you start thinking I or he's doing this or she's doing this, and, and it's, you know, that was, you know, we went through counseling and that was always one of the things, the best pieces of advice that we got, you know, instead of praying for your spouse to change or to do this, like, how can you pray for yourself, for God to change you, to make you the kind of spouse that, you know, your spouse deserves to have. And that changed our whole outlook of thinking, you know, when we started to think that way about each other.

No. And, you know, one of the beauties with the Naked Marriage, the book Is, you know, when you do have a couple that's, that's either they're struggling or maybe they're at the top of the mountain. And it's to have this actual practical application that we said kind of that life application. Because you guys do. You break it down into the daily practical experience of being married. And it's like, hey, work on your marriage. Do better.

Right?

That's like telling a dog to chase a car. I mean, what's he going to do when he catches it? Right? And so you, in this book, you guys were able to kind of, to move past that barrier of just saying, hey, do better. You know, it's, hey, this is how to do better. This is how we've done better. And then like you'd mentioned Ashley, that ten week discussion guide. So you go through and you know, I remember one time you were talking about Dave the way he likes to like, he talks like most guys. We don't like to look at our wives in the face. We can go side to side when we drive.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, and it's tough for guys.

We like to look at their face. Well, we do. I love your face.

But we can have better conversations.

When she's looking at you like, we need to talk. And I want you to like, over.

The years, I have done that the.

Whole time and it's intimidating.

That's when you run. I run. I'm like, look over there. And I run. But that's for this book and then the audio side. Cause I know, I love, I love listening to the audio. And so you know that for guys, usually, what is it, 80% of women are gonna buy books, Christian inspirational marriage type books. The guys don't seem to check in, look for that type of help. But this book is a lot of guy. There's a lot of Dave. Dave's a guy. Dave's a man and very manly. I mean, he went indoor skydiving.

He did. He was awesome.

Everything, man. So men relate to you. And that's important because we need those peer examples that we can look at and say, that's a guy, that's me. I see myself in him. And y' all portray that beautifully. So, you know, it is. And it's so valuable in the book because you have the 10 week discussion guide for guys that can read it. And like Leah said, maybe a question will prompt or something will open up and then you have the audio. But then the cool thing is those short videos, you guys are fun to watch because y' all are us. Y' all are. Y' all represent most everybody because you've had troubles and you've had trials and you've had victory, and you're living life blessed, and that's what we all want. So that's the beauty of the Naked marriage is you show in a very practical, real life, blue collar way, scripturally based how to live that blessed marriage life. And we appreciate y' all for it.

Thank you.

You guys are making such high endorsements.

I know. I'm, like, weeping over here. Like, this is so beautiful.

You're a man.

Thank you guys so much. But I'm a man, so I'm not acting.

Real men cry.

That's right.

Well, this conversation's flown by. We could talk to you guys all day, but I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your friendship, for your authenticity, and for your partnership on this. The book would not be what it is without the incredible work and insight and expertise, blood, sweat and tears you guys have put into it. And I want to encourage people to connect with them. Their Ministry, Blue Marriage, BlueMarriage.com is a wonderful place to go for police, firefighters, first responders. I love that you guys are focusing in on helping build marriages and that such important, such important group of people that are so willing to put their lives on the line to help us. So thank you, sweetie. Final words of wisdom.

Yes. Thank you again. You guys are just so awesome. We love you guys. And if you, you know, after listening to this, if you're like, I wanna get this book, like, how can I get my hands on this book? Like I said, it's launch week. You can get it, you know, on Amazon, but you can also go to nakedmarriagebook.com or wherever books are sold. And we really wanna get it in your hands. So please, please get this book. And we just hope and pray that it blesses.