Why Wedding Rings Matter

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Sweet Ray Ban Meta glasses. Available at Ray Ban stores and other authorized retailers. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we've got. We've got a great topic today in our series. We're doing over the next few months of our favorite marriage advice. And it's been a fun fall series and, you know, the summer Sexy Summer Quickies was fun too. I just, I enjoy our series and we've also had some great questions coming in and so stick around for the end of today's episode. A really great question that has to do with pornography, but an issue that the wife brings up that is maybe one we haven't addressed as specifically in a long time. And I really appreciated her question. So stick around for that. Before we get into all that, Ashley's going to share one of the recent reviews of the podcast. We read all these. They really encourage us. Thank you guys for sending in all reviews on itunes or wherever you happen to be listening.

That's right. So today's review is entitled It's all around great from JV 220529. Says, I just recently discovered this podcast about three months ago, and it has been a game changer. Both Dave and Ashley are so easy to listen to. They speak truth on every topic, even the difficult ones. It's not the kind of discussions that make you feel bad about yourself, though. Instead, it makes you feel motivated to improve your marriage. Instead of listening to the radio to and from work, now I listen to the Naked Marriage podcast. They just put me in a better mood. Keep it up, guys. I just love that. Thank you, JB. That's so nice.

You just put us in a better mood.

You did. You did.

That's great.

All right, well, let's dive into today's episode. This is one of my favorite pieces of marriage advice, but I also think it's one of the most practical and easiest ones to follow.

Yeah, this one's easy.

And that is that you should wear a wedding ring. Okay. As simple as that.

That's right. If you're watching on YouTube, pointing to my ring, taking it off. If you're listening Only on one of, you know, the many listening options, itunes, whatever. Just imagining. Imagine me pointing to a wedding ring right now. You think, well, this is really simple and seems kind of lame. And how are you going to talk about this for 20 minutes? Well, stay tuned. I think you might be surprised. Here's the deal. Here was the advice given to us. We were told, always wear a wedding ring. It reminds the people in your life who see you that you're married. It reminds you to constantly be praying for your spouse. And also it reminds you that every decision that you make impacts your spouse in some way. My grandmother, who is still living, Lovely lady, almost 90 years old, sweet Grammy, if you're listening, you're awesome. Grammy. She noticed. The first thing she noticed about a man when she would meet him is whether or not he wore a wedding ring. And she made a lot of assumptions about his commitment to his marriage based on whether or not that ring was on her finger. Now, she had kind of a unique experience in that her husband. She's been a widow for many, many years, most of my life. But while he was still alive, my grandfather was not a great husband. You know, he actually ran around on. On Grammy. And to this day, many decades later, it's still a very. Just kind of. It's a heartbreaking issue for her. It's something that you never really get over when you're kind of betrayed in that way. And so she took fidelity very, very seriously. And for her. And it isn't just a generational thing, because I know younger people with the same mindset. When she would see a guy without a wedding ring on, and she would just think, if you're married, why would you not want to send the signal right in the subtlest of ways that costs you nothing to do to let your spouse know. I'm proud to show the world that I'm married, to let other people know. Hey, I'm off the market. I know some of you are listening and you're thinking, well, it's just a. It's just a thing. It's jewelry. You know, I'm not into wearing jewelry right now. I had a pastor friend of mine. He's still a pastor friend of mine. And Ro, if you're listening, you know I love you, and I'm sorry to use you as a negative example here, but he would never wear a wedding ring. And every time he'd be up in front of people, you know, people would assume, well, maybe he's. Maybe he's single. Maybe they knew he had kids. Maybe he's a single dad.

You know, girls would come up and ask me if he was single or if he had, like, lost his wife because they had thought he was married.

And.

And I'd be like, what do you mean?

But he never would wear a wedding ring. He would say, it's because I don't like jewelry. But then he would always wear, like, watches. Yeah, an apple watch and bracelets and all this stuff, but no wedding ring. And I would, you know, kind of call him out on it and jest a little bit, but also like, dude, you know, people notice that and make assumptions based on that. He was like, no, it's no big deal. You know that. And it's come out later that, you know, for all those years, he was actually carrying on an affair. And it's a tragic situation. We. We won't dive too deep into it. But he's fought for these last several years to rebuild his marriage, and he has, and we're so thankful for that. And we love and cheer them on and want only good things for them. But now I think his perspective has probably changed on that. I'm not saying everybody doesn't wear a wedding ring, is having an affair not what I'm saying here. And I know some people are in line of work where you cannot have a wedding ring on to do that line of work. And you have to make some exceptions in those kind of ways. I'm not trying to be legalistic here or militant here. And I know in some ways this is a cultural thing. In different cultures, an outward expression of being married is different. We did an event in Amish country, and for Amish guys, it's. Wearing a beard means you're married, which is a good thing. I'm not Amish because I have such a poor beard that people would look and they wouldn't be sure if I was married or not. They were like, I'm not Dave there. I'm not sure if he's really married. He just has a few whiskers. So, you know, thankfully, I can wear just the. Just the ring. But in whatever culture you're in, you might be. I know people listen from all over the world. We're thankful we've got listeners from every continent. And God bless you guys. Whatever in your culture is the outward expression of showing that you're married. Yeah, do that. That's. That's what we're saying.

Absolutely, do that. And it doesn't have to be expensive. You know, we hear too, like, well, we can't afford wedding rings, you guys Today, it is easier than ever. Like, you can wear a silicone ring that you could probably get at the dollar store, and that will symbolize your commitment. Like, it doesn't have to be expensive. And I think that a lot of times, if we are consistently making excuses not to wear the ring, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves why. This is a moment of self reflection. And maybe if your spouse seems just like, aloof about it, ask them and be like, listen, it would mean so much to me because I'm so proud to call you my husband. I'm so proud to call you my wife. And I just don't want it to be confusing to anybody. And it is confusing. You know, I know people, you know, some of you listening are like, okay, this seems silly. We're in the modern times. People don't have to wear wedding rings. Like, I hear that. And this is from Christians and non Christians alike. But this is the truth, guys, is it's a simple way from first glance to let others know that you're off the market. Now, I know some of you listening, too, are like, well, just because somebody wears a wedding ring doesn't mean they're being faithful. And that is the truth, too, sadly. But it is a simple way, again, to honor your spouse and to show others that you're off the market. And it's just as simple as that. I mean, it's just a very easy thing to do, to respect your spouse and to also ward off some assumptions that others will make that could really bring some trouble into your marriage.

You know, those are great points. And really what we're talking about here, it goes broader, like we've said all along, than just just lobbying for one specific piece of jewelry. It's sending every message possible, whether you're in public or in private, that you're married. In fact, one of the very first episodes we did on the Naked marriage podcast was called are you single in public?

Right?

And it was talking a little bit about rings, but really about the broader issue of are you sending mixed messages? Are you compartmentalizing marriage so much that you're only married at home when you're with your spouse, but when you're out there in the world, you don't talk about your marriage. It's as if you're single at work. There are no pictures of your spouse or your children. And what we're saying with the wedding ring issue and every other issue you can send as well, is that everybody in your life should know that you are married. You're Committed and that you love your spouse. Everybody in your life, even if they've never met your spouse, they should know that much about you just by the way you carry yourself, by the way you talk. Otherwise, maybe you are just thinking, I know, I'm just trying to compartmentalize. I keep home at home and I keep work at work. But marriage is not just a private relationship. It is both very private and very public at the same time. That's the way God intended it to be. And so we've got to be willing to do both. We need to be great spouses in private when it's just us and our spouse, and we need to be great spouses in public, which means honoring our spouse even when our spouse isn't there. By the way we carry ourselves again, every word we say, every message we send, non verbally, it's saying something about how we view our marriage. And we just need to be intentional that the message we're sending is, I'm married. I love the fact that I'm married. I love my spouse, and I'm committed to my marriage. And if you've been around me for more than five minutes, you'll hear something positive about. About my spouse.

Yeah. Because I mean, really, if there is any question, then that's a problem. You know, that should be, you know, we should make that known. It should be a known thing that we're married. You don't have to tell all your personal business to your colleagues. No, absolutely not. But just knowing that you're married, having, you know, a lot of times people have like a picture of their spouse, you know, at their desk or their family, and just letting it be known again because it will save you a lot of heartache. You know, there's times when we've known couples where one of the spouses doesn't wear a ring, and all of a sudden they're getting texts from somebody thinking that they're single and wanting to get together. And then that opens the door to temptation and to behaviors that you never thought you would do. And, you know, that's how affairs start. They never just all of a sudden, like you end up in a hotel room. It's subtle things that we do and don't do that often lead to affairs. And none of us are beyond temptation.

Yeah, so true.

And I'm not saying, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying just because you don't wear a wedding ring, you're bound and doomed for an affair. But I'm just saying, or if you Do.

You're not gonna have one?

Or if you do, you're not gonna. Oh, absolutely.

Sick people out there that, like, go after married people on purpose just as, like, a conquest.

They find it. Yes, it, like, as a conquest.

So it's not like your marriage. Your wedding ring is some force field that's gonna protect you from all temptation, you know, like in a Avengers movie. But it is a simple thing you can do that can only help.

And you know the thing with wedding rings, too? Like, if I were to open, like, to take my wedding ring off and to look at the inscription, you know, Dave and I, our inscription is so much. And back in the day when we were dating and we first told each other that we loved each other, we would. Sometimes, you know, we would say. We say, I love you quite a bit, probably more than we. That's, like. It's probably ridiculous. But anyway, sometimes we would. Sometimes just.

I can't help it.

I would say I love you, and he'd be like, love you too. And then I would say, so much. And he'd go, so much. And so when we were really young, okay, we got married really young. I had just turned 20. Dave was 22. You know, we were like, what do we inscribe on the inside of our wedding rings? And all we could think of was so much. I don't give you a lot of room anyway. But it's something that meant, you know, it's only two words, but it means a lot to us. And I've never shared that with anybody, so. So I don't even know if our family knows why we put so much on the inside of our rings. But, you know, it's something that's special to me. And wedding rings are special in that way. I mean, it's part of your history. You receive it if you still have your original wedding ring on your wedding day. For some of you, maybe it's a different ring that you got on a special anniversary, and it has a special inscription. It's just something you can look to and you can smile. I mean, even just right now, if you're watching YouTube, you can see me smiling and just reminiscing, thinking about it. And it's special. And so don't miss that opportunity to have that. To have that. That little symbol that it doesn't even. Like I said, it doesn't have to be expensive. It doesn't even have to be some big thing. It's just something that means something to the two of you that you have given each other. And really wear that with pride every single day. Home is for impressing but also resting.

And entertaining guests in and festing and.

Feasting and sleeping and greeting and rising and baking and making space for friends in burning some sage in decorating and staging.

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My mother in law is coming over.

Then your home must be spotless. We'll handle the carpets, couches and R. You handle her criticism with baked goods. People complain less when they're chewing. Book your deep clean now@stanleysteamber.com that's beautiful. Like, I was just, I was just kind of, I forgot, I forgot that I had to talk next. Like I was just mesmerized by you. You sharing and kind of, you know, going back and it, and it is, it's. It, the ring, it's, it is a. It's a simple, it's a simple symbol. But when you look at it and be reminded of those early days and reminded of all God's carried you through and reminded of the promise that you made to each other and all the reasons you have to be thankful for your spouse and reminded to pray for the future and for all the dreams that you have left to dream for one another, there's a gift in that. I mean, there's just something very significant and very special that goes far beyond, you know, just, just a piece of jewelry. You know, we're not trying to sell you guys something. We're not saying, you know, call now for our brand new, you know, XO marriage ring specials. You know, we're not, we're just saying value every, every message you can send that lets your spouse know and lets the world know that you're married and you're thrilled to be married. And if you'll do that, then I'm convinced that the simple act of wearing a wedding ring or whatever in your culture is, Is the custom of outwardly showing that you're married. And nearly every culture that I've been to or known of has some kind of symbol. Has some kind of symbol. Then do that. Just do that. This isn't. The wedding ring itself is not a biblical thing. We try to base this podcast on what the Bible says about marriage. So it doesn't say thou shalt wear a wedding ring, but the Bible is clear that every part of your life for those who are married should reflect the fact that you're married. And so in our culture and our context, it's just It's a simple thing that you can do that's worth doing well.

And please quote me if I'm wrong, because I don't want to misquote this, but I've always heard that it goes way back. The history of wearing a wedding ring is it's put on the left hand on this particular ring finger because that is what goes straight to your heart. Right? Am I saying that right?

I've heard that, Mike.

I don't know if that's true. Doctors.

If you're a doctor. Right.

Let us know. But I love that story. I hope it's true. So bad.

Let it be true.

Let it be true.

Only write in if you're agreeing with this. If you have medical proof to the contrary of that, then, you know, don't crush our dreams.

It's folklore. But again, it goes back to what it means to the two of you and that you're proud to be married.

That's good stuff. Hey, we're gonna keep this episode a little bit shorter today, partly cause you guys loved the summer Quickies so much. And if you haven't listened to those.

Go back and listen.

Go back and listen.

It's not just summer Quickies. It's sexy.

Yeah. This was summer Quickies. Yeah. The summer before last, it was just summer quickies. Short, short episodes. This past summer. It was sexy. Summer Quickies. The next summer is maybe gonna be steamy Summer Quickies.

Oh, yeah.

We don't know. We're just gonna keep em coming. Short episodes gives you guys time to immediately apply what you've learned with the extra time. So, you know, you can go back and listen to those. They're answering your 12 biggest questions about sex all summer long. So if you missed those, go back, go check them out. But today we have our Q and A. I know, and I love our Q and A.

We love it.

And by the way, you can send questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com those are the ones we read on air, but you can also find us on social media. And we do our best to respond to those questions personally. Sometimes it takes us a little while to get to them. You'll get an automated response right away, but then we usually will go back and do our best to answer them. So you can search the word marriage on Facebook and find the marriage page where we answer questions. And then also on Instagram, we're Dave and Ashley Willis. But today's question, here we go. It says, my husband and I have been together for eight years, and he recently told me that Your podcast episode about porn really hit home. This was a shock to me because whenever we had talked about the topic before, he always said it was just an issue when he was younger and before we were together. But through this conversation, I learned it was still something he watched regularly early in our relationship and marriage. He was saved three years ago and is now living for the Lord and says it hasn't happened since Sense, but I'm having a hard time forgiving him and getting past this. He says he's free from it, but I don't feel it. The thought of having sex now makes my stomach turn with anxiety. I really need some advice on how to get past this as the injured partner. And, you know, thank you. Thank you for this question. Thank you to your husband. If he's listening for, you know, for watching, listening that podcast, and then for. And then for sharing. It's something we always encourage people to do, is have the courage to. To share, to be honest. And so, you know, he did that. And that's something, you know, the porn issue is so hard, and it is a sin, and it causes so much damage. I know, because I've done that damage to myself and to Ashley through my past porn issue. But he had the courage to do the right thing here and right off the bat, before we get anywhere else, that's just something to be celebrated in and of itself. And so that was an attempt to right a wrong and to build a bridge of trust with you and to get everything out in the open. And so, yes, it created some new wounds that need to be processed. But just to celebrate the good on the front end, it's such a healthy thing that he confessed this and something that should be celebrated.

But it is one of those things where it's a process, because it sounds like he has now processed this. He has sought God's forgiveness. It sounds like he got help with this and he sought your forgiveness. And so he's kind of a little further along in his healing process. And I think that after you listen to this podcast, I hope he listens, too. I would unpack that for him and just say, listen, I'm really struggling with this. I'm not sure if you've been honest with him about your feelings, but tell him, say, I'm really struggling with anxiety about this. It kind of. It's bringing up some feelings where I don't know how to really deal with this.

Or what else you're hiding, if this is.

Or what else you're hiding. Right.

If this was a secret, are there Other secrets.

Exactly. And so, like, he sought healing and he feels the freedom from it. Cause she said he's told her, no, I'm totally free from this. Which is awesome. But here you are trying to cope and deal with it and to come through. So, as one who's walked through this myself, I just wanna say, give yourself the room and the grace and the time and the space to process this. It's okay. And I would just be honest with your husband. Not that you're trying to hold it over his head, but just to say, listen, you've had time to process this. You've probably had years to process this. And to heal from this. I need some time. I need some time. And I would just really be honest with him about how you're feeling. I think that when someone has kept something from you, like having a porn issue, when it comes to the bedroom specifically, it's very natural to not be trusting and being intimate with each other and to feel a little anxious in the short term. I mean, that's very normal. I remember those early days of me, you know, trying to cope with the news of Dave having a porn issue. And so it took some time for me to know that I could trust him again. And I would just encourage your husband, too, to say, I know you're free from it, but I just need to know absolutely that I can trust you and make sure you know there's ways to do this, just practically speaking, by having filters on all devices, just making sure that it's not even a temptation for him anymore. So there's accountability in place, but also just keeping that open line of communication and talking to him about how you're feeling and how he's doing. But I would tell you, too, you know, if it keeps on being a mental stumbling block for you, where it's making you doubt his desire for you. Because that is something that often happens when you find out your spouse has been, you know, having an issue with porn and has been going back to porn time and time again. It makes you feel inadequate. And so I just want you to know that you are more than adequate, that you're a beautiful daughter of Christ, you did nothing to cause this. There's nothing that you did or didn't do that made your husband have this porn issue. So I just wanna get that out of your head, because that's often a thought that comes in there. But secondly, I just think it might be good to talk to a counselor. I know we talk a lot about counseling, but it takes time to unpack this, because the porn issue itself can make you feel inadequate, but then it can also kind of bring back some deeper wounds that you have. And I think that if this becomes a prolonged issue of anxiety with you, and it just like when it comes to being intimate with your spouse, when even the thought of sex kind of brings you anxiety, I really think that would be a time to go to a counselor and really get to the root issue and maybe even a marriage counselor, too. We talk all the time about how individual counseling is awesome. You know, Faithful Counseling is one of our sponsors, and we love them. They're awesome. For individual Christian counseling, you can go.

To faithfulcounseling.com getfaithful.com I always mess up that website. So if you go to getfaithful.com nakedmarriage, a great, great place to start that journey, to find a good counselor.

But if you want marital counseling to really talk through this and to make sure that you have safeguards in place for both of you, for this not to become an issue again and for there to continue to be that open line of communication and for there to not for sex not to be this stumbling block, you can talk to one of our marriage coaches here at Marriage Today, and you can set up an appointment by going to marriagetoday.com coaches. They're amazing. They can talk through all of these things with you. But I think it's good that you're both being honest. And if you haven't talked to your husband about your feelings yet, I think that's the next step that I would encourage you to take.

Yeah, it's such a great question. And if you're listening to this or watching this and you right now are caught up in porn, you, you know, first stop, because nothing good comes from it, and then confess. Confession always brings healing. Don't believe the lie that it's going to be better to just keep this a secret, to just keep this in the dark. You know, the Bible says that which is hidden in darkness will be shouted from the rooftops. In other words, like, all the secrets eventually come out, and we need to be the ones that have the courage for it to come out. In fact, in my own journey with pornography, my biggest regret is that I, at that time, was still caught up in it and did not have the courage to confess it. I was actually kind of caught Ashley found on our old clunky home computer long before the days of smartphones, kind of where I'd been. And that created even more layers to unpack with broken trust because I had not been the one to confess it. When you initiate and you're the one to confess it fast forwards that healing process and that trust rebuilding process. And so if you're listening, you know, have the courage to do what this guy's done. And for the lady, the wife who wrote in, thank you so much again for your courage in writing in this and just our prayers for you as you continue to heal. And we just believe God has got such great things for your marriage in the days ahead and you are on the path to healing. It might hurt right now with this news being fresh, but you're actually, I believe, in a healthier place in your marriage than you've probably been in a long time now that this truth is out there and you can both move forward together into a place of such healing. So thank you for that question and thanks to all of you for listening. And here if you're watching on YouTube, thanks for watching as well. We are so honored to just be on this journey with you of building stronger marriages together. Your feedback, your prayers, your reviews, your messages on social media, it really does encourage us and keep us going. And we just can't wait to see you next time.

That's right. We'll see you then.

Bye.

Bye.