How to Take Complete Ownership of Your Life w/ Lisa Bilyeu

And what ended up happening was, in hindsight was I wasn't actually just sitting back and asking myself, what life do I actually want? Now the question is, do you both agree that you're playing tennis? Yes or no? Yes. Great. Do you think that you're playing singles or you're playing doubles? Because singles is me one side of the net and him the other. And I'm just hitting the ball to him and then he hits it back. Now, the truth is, only one of you can win in that scenario.

Own your future. Because if you don't, someone else will. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Own youn Future podcast. I am so stoked today because this is truly a dear friend. Her and her husband are two of my favorite, my wife and I's favorite people on the planet. I know that's easy to say, but when it's true, it's just true. But she is phenomenal on her own. She's the co creator of Impact Theory, the co creator of Quest Nutrition, both with her awesome husband Tom. Bill, you. So I guess you probably know who this is. She's the host of the podcast Woman of Impact. Over seven and a half million downloads and I could just go on with our number one bestselling book and all the cool stuff. I'm just excited to hang out with my dear friend Lisa Bilyeu. Welcome.

Thank you, Dean. This is such an honor. And as we were saying, it's just such a great way for us to spend time together.

Yeah, no, like we get to catch up on camera, which will be so cool. You know, Tom, Lisa and I and my wife, we're a part of this group that meet together with our dear friend Brian, Brendan Burchard and other awesome people we meet a couple times a year and it allows us to catch up. And I have to say my wife and I both love when we get seated next to you and your husband. You guys are our favorite couple. You know, the last time we were together, Lisa, we got to share about a lot of things. We were sitting at the corner of that table and you know, talking about the things that allow us to be independently empowered while simultaneously connected to your significant other. And I'm not sure everybody gets to figure that out. Right. So there's some cool things I'd love to talk about. A little bit of that with your relationship today I'd love to talk about has been on my mind because I have a 16 year old daughter going to be 17 and I'd love to talk about being vulnerable. I think vulnerable is A superpower when it's used. Right. And I've watched you. I've watched you just take so many things and make it your superpower, Lisa. And you know, this is one that I'm going to share with my 17 year old daughter. So just no pressure. No pressure at all.

My heart's beating fast.

Yeah. And then there's one more thing. A lesson with her especially is the. I'll just leave it here as the Stop lying to ourselves. I think the biggest lie we could ever do is lie to ourselves, give ourselves commitments and then not fall through. You do that enough, you just give up on your own stuff. And then I want to talk about maybe a little bit about sales because it's a thing that I've watched you and Tom say. No, that's not our thing to. Oh my God. I get to serve people when I sell them to now. You guys are impacting so many amazing men and women all around the world. So that's kind of if I'm just revealing. If you want to hang out with us for the next 45 or 50 minutes, that's what me and my dear friend Lisa Bilyeu are going to talk about. Is that cool with you, Lisa?

I love it. Sounds awesome.

All right, so I'm going to start with this. I never start in the same spot, so I'm just going to start here. I've never shared this on a podcast or anything because it just happened last week. So my daughter is going to be 17 and she doesn't have a lot. She doesn't have the same rules and chores that maybe we had when we were young, but she's got responsibilities to get what she has. And I'm so blessed. She's such a good kid. She's almost 17. I've never grounded her, Lisa. She's never been grounded in her life. But she got grounded last week for the first time and she got grounded because it was the fourth time I had to ask her to pick up her room. And for the fourth time she said to me, dad, I'm so sorry. You're right, I never. It'll never happen again. And it happened again. So I grounded her and she thought she was being grounded for her room. And I said, no, if you don't want to clean your room, you should just come to me and go, dad, I like my room the way it is. I'm an independent woman. I can deal with it. I said, I respect that. You know why you're grounded for a week? Because you lied. Not just to Me, you lied to yourself. I said, don't make commitments to yourself, I'm going to clean. And I said, did you mean it? She goes, yes, I meant it in the moment. I said, that's how it slowly starts. I'm going to, I'm going to go all in on my relationship. I'm going to be more of an active listener, I promise. And then you don't. And I said, life, the greatest lie we could tell is to ourselves and then not follow through with it because then you get used to disappointing yourself. So I just, I never shared that before. I just thought that was a topic that you and I would have fun talking about. Is the biggest lie is lying to yourself. What do you think about that? Yeah.

God, it's such a great topic. And here's the reason, is that we all give that excuse. Like it's actually easy to say something in the moment and mean it. Like it's easy to say that. And then life takes, basically steers you off course. Anything can happen. And especially being a female with hormones that you've got a 30 day cycle. It's like in that moment you may absolutely mean it. But if you don't understand yourself, if you don't understand, understand your goals and you don't understand why you're doing something, then life can get away from you and things can come into effect and feel very true, right? Distractions feel very true. Excuses feel very true to you. So the question you have to always ask is how do you make sure that when an excuse comes you don't actually fall into the pit of it because it's easy for that to come. Now one thing I'd actually even ask your daughter is why did she think that she was going to clean her room? I'm going to bet it was because she was doing it for her dad, not because she actually wanted to. So going back to, we talk about this a lot, right? Have your why, but your why can't just be fleeting, right? It can't. So many of us will have a why to please someone else. I'm doing this to make this person happy. And that's where a lot of us women at least get trapped into the people pleasing cycle. It's like, I'm going to do this because this is going to make my dad happy. But then the reality comes that she doesn't actually want to do it. Maybe in her mind she's got more important things that she wants to do. And so the thing that she tells you, even though she means it in the moment all these other things come into effect. So I think for women, for any of us to really think through why we make these commitments, why we don't actually see them through, is why did you say you're going to make the commitment in the first place? Because especially when you're younger, you don't know kind of the detriment that lying to yourself is going to have on you. It doesn't seem like it's going to be a big deal. My dad, he's already forgiven me three times. Because you even said that, right? Is that she said that she was going to do it three times and there was no repercussions. So she knows in that moment of when she actually has to decide, does she do her homework, does she go out with boys, does she text her friend back, does she go on Instagram? All these things that are almost like gravitating a gravitational pull towards cleaning her room isn't going to be the gravitational pole. So now I think for her to really change that behavior, is that what you have to go back to that why? Why did she say she was going to do it in the first place? And then repetition creates habit. So the more she commits to doing something and not coming through to it, what's that going to teach her in the future?

Right.

Repetition creates habit is that, oh, there's no big consequence to saying I'm going to do something and then not doing it. So for me, I actually sometimes lean into consequences and create my own personal consequences if I don't do something because there's external world that may not hold me accountable. So the question is, how do I make sure and hold myself accountable to those moments where I know in the future this is actually a lie, even though it feels true to me right now. And so if you can adopt that mindset of how do I create my own own consequences to something that really matters to me in this moment, then that will help me actually see them through. And then if I have a strong enough why, that actually resonates to me for me. Because like I said, your daughter's why to make her dad happy is never going to sustain her keep doing has to be okay, I want to do well in college. Why do I want to do well in college? Because maybe I want to go to a film school and I want to make movies. That was my why. So now if I. You use that, use that against me and say, okay, in this moment, when I've made a promise to dad, it isn't about a promise to my dad to make him happy. It's a promise that I know if I'm able to see that through, I get now I can validate myself. Because maybe right now she said yes to you because she's looking for validation from her dad. The question actually is, how does she create her own internal validation? And that I think will actually pivot. That was what changed my life. Stop seeking validation from my husband, who's going to be proud of me. Stop seeking validation from my Greek dad, who is very dominant in my life, and start actually now building your own validation. Lisa. And if I'm able to do that in real time in the future, when I do something, I now can look at myself and be proud of myself and not wait for everyone to give me the accolades to then be proud of myself.

Oh, God. So good. And thank you for, you know, I shared that through the lens of my daughter. But we just got done with a really big event. Over 600,000 women. There was men and women, but there's over 600,000 women registered for this event, and between 35 and 55. And I watched a lot of them say, and that's probably why it was on the tip of my mind to say to my daughter, hey, whatever it takes. Because a lot of these women said, hey, I've been the PTA mom and an amazing wife and had a career. And I promised myself five years ago, four years ago, three years ago, I'd start doing stuff for me, and I still haven't. Or I said, I'm good. I finally wanted to start this business that I've been. I've been doodling with my kids crayons for 10 years on the logo of this business. And I promised myself last year I was gonna. And I didn't. I promised I'd put myself first in my relationship with my husband and get back to intimate conversations. And I didn't. And I just saw that so much that it was probably why it was fresh on my mind when my daughter said that. And I love. Thank you for the perspective of just reminding some of the simple things, because when it's your kids, sometimes, you know, you just turn it into dad, not the teacher. Right? And sometimes a prophet's not welcome in their own town. You know what I mean? In their own home. Right? So. So I love. I want to unpackage some of the things you said. You know, sometimes we think of this big why that drives our whole life. You wanted to go to film school, right? It's like this big why? But sometimes we have to Maybe take that big why and just package it differently for each thing. Right? Because you know nothing when people say to me I'm a procrastinator, I can't find time, I'm too busy in my brain. It just goes to. You just have you don't have a big enough compelling future. Like and talking to your husband. Tom and I were doing an interview, I don't know, six months ago or so and he said something really cool. Lisa. He said sometimes I go to the dark side and he meant to get a job done. Sometimes it's the compelling future and the bigger and sometimes it's like if I don't do this, I'm going to end up like my dad or if I don't do this I can end up working for somebody else and not live into my dreams. So I think a couple of things you unpackaged. Thank you for reminding me to. With my daughter it's like I gotta help her find her why? How does the dots connect from cleaning her room? Is it a habit? How you do one thing is how you do everything and how do you stay organized and is it is that compound to the thing that she wants to do? So I'm. Thank you. I'm gonna help her connect the dots. But it's not just for my 16 year old daughter. Everybody, you're listening to this. You know, you've made yourself promises you haven't kept and you're getting pissed at yourself. Find a bigger why. Secondly, I think besides a compelling feeling future, right Is if I do this, if I start my own business, if I finally decide to choose me, be a little selfish so I could be selfless in the future, right? If I decide what is my compelling future, if it happens. But I also think, as Tom said, going to the dark side, you also have to say what if I don't do this? Where will my life be in five years? If you don't decide that you're the one that can validate yourself, that you could give yourself permission. So do you end up doing them both? Like compelling future and the downside? Yeah.

I actually use slightly different language though because I always try to use the language that's really going to trigger me into action and I just want to irritate myself enough that I have to then act because nice language doesn't hit me very well. And so even with when I think about this, I think of who is the person I want to be and how would they act, who is the person I don't want to be and how Would they act? And so when I think about who's the person I want to be, it allows me to not beat myself up over, like, maybe I've been triggered today, or maybe I have an emotional moment that I could have handled better. Instead of beating myself up and shaming myself, which is absolutely where I used to go. That keeps me frozen. That actually keeps me in inaction. And so how do I propel myself forward? I go, okay, Lisa, how you acted today wasn't your best self. Cool. I get that now. How do I use that to be like, okay, but now be that person? What does that actually look like? So even with your daughter or anyone listening, if you actually put who is the person I want to be? I want to be the person that doesn't emotionally react when someone triggers me. I want to be the type of person that sees things through. I want to be the person that can. Everyone can rely on when they're in struggle. Right? Like, if you really write out that list, then it's like, oh, so even if my dad asked me to clean my room, I've just said I want to be the person that when I make a promise to somebody, that they can rely on me. And so now there's that through line of, oh, I said I want to be that person. Now. Let me just take that one incremental step forward. And then the same before, same with the other side is the. The dark side, as Tom calls it, is like, well, that wasn't your best self. Like, don't ignore it. Don't ignore the fact that you acted in a way that is in accordance with the person you said you want to be. And so I need to be harsh with myself. I need to say, lisa, that doesn't fly. You no longer can do that again. Because if you keep going down that road, this is what will happen. Is that what you want? Yes or no? And I have to be very strict, very harsh with myself so that I have my why and that it's not based on somebody else's. Like, oh, someone said that that wasn't your best self. No, no. Did you feel like you were your best self? Did you feel like you that. Well, exactly. When I go to bed at night, all I care about and all I hear is the voice in my head, and what is she telling me? Is she proud of me? Me? Was she proud of the person that I showed up to be today? Or is she not? And that spiral, that negative voice can literally cycle through, and it will keep me awake at night. It will make Me feel shameful about myself. I will carry guilt and I won't be able to progress. And so everything is in response to how do I feel when I'm by myself?

So good. You know, I'm gonna shift gears for a little bit. Thank you for that. And I love repetition, right? Repetition, like once you find that and then finding a way to just follow that and repeat it is how we get better. It's how we get better at sales, how we get better being parents of significant others. Right? We gotta find the things that work and do more of it and find the things that don't do less of it. Not trying to oversimplify it, I gotta ask you something that. That I wasn't thinking till now is Tom Billyu who's. You guys have be and have become dear friends, and we respect you so much, and we don't talk every day. I'm not sure when your anniversary is. I don't know when your birthday is. Lisa. But anytime that you or your husband come up in a conversation, we love you guys and we're so grateful that you're in our lives. And we love watching the relationship you have and the things you accomplish. It's really special. Simultaneously, I look at you as this strong, independent woman who's simultaneously strong with the two of you together. Now, my wife and I have found that, and I'm not because I'm guilty of the complete opposite. We are strong independently, and we are even stronger together. But we exist on our own and exist together. In this last group that we've done, we get so much feedback and we do surveys because we really want to find out what people are going through and because we serve a lot of women. A lot of times women feel as they're married to a significant other that means the world to them, but they've empowered that relationship or empowered them and kind of parked their dreams or parked their dreams. It's my role to be the parent. It's my role to just do this. It's my role to support my man or my significant other so they can do what they want to do. And there's this moment of emptiness that I think they find it's too many years of supporting, but have done it so long, they're kind of in a pattern. And you could put this in a way more elegant way, because I know you. You speak to those women so well. How do you find that balance where you're still empowering the relationship, but you get to be Lisa because you do it so freaking well? I look at you collectively as badasses. And I look at you individually as badasses. Yeah. How. What would be some advice you could give man or woman in that? Like, how do they be living to them without feeling like they're distancing from their relationship?

Oh, dear. I love this topic so much because it was exactly where I was trapped for eight years. So growing up Greek Orthodox, I was basically subliminally told by my parents, by my grandparents, that I would end up being a great wife and a great stay at home mother, and that was going to be my future future. And if I found a husband that loved me, who could put a roof over my head, then I was good to go. And I fell into that trap, even though I had big dreams and desires. And it was eight years where I was just supporting Tom. And what ended up happening was, in hindsight was I wasn't actually just sitting back and asking myself, what life do I actually want? And it was like, once you start to actually write out what is the life I want, Then it becomes step one, but then step two becomes, how do you communicate that with other people? Because while I was a stay at home wife for eight years, I wasn't communicating to my husband, to Tom, that I was unhappy. I was just going with the flow. I was just wanting to be, you know, the great wife and not Russell, you know, rattle, rustle, any feathers. And so, number one, it became I had to be clear with myself that it wasn't the life that I wanted either. Number two, had to grab Tom and sit him down and express to him the truth. And what I said to him was, babe, I love you so much, but I haven't been truthful with you or with myself for eight years. And the truth is, while I love you more than life itself, I hate. I hate cooking for you, I hate cleaning for you. And that has no reflection of how I feel about you. This is just the life I have now been leading. And I haven't vocalized to you that I am now profoundly unhappy. And so just speaking up, drawing him into my environment was super important. Letting him know it was my responsibility to tell him I was unhappy and I didn't. And then being honest with him about the fact that was it, the how I felt about him had no reflection on the fact that I didn't enjoy the acts that I was doing. And now once I did that, he was very open to the discussion. And then that discussion became as a result of him saying, well, what kind of husband would I be if I priorities Prioritize clean underwear over the happiness of my wife. So then.

So good, because. And don't. Don't lose that thought because you said. And then I wrote down the word resentment. Because if the worst part is if you never told him and he didn't know, but the byproduct could be you could start resenting him for doing the underwear and the cooking, even though you didn't want to, but you didn't express it to him. And all of a sudden you're like, I can't believe I'm in this. It's like. And he would be feeling the blame and some distance between you two, and he wasn't aware that maybe you didn't like that role. Is that true?

Yeah, 100%. Oh, I was definitely resenting him. He was going off to work, he was coming home, he was taking off his socks on the ground. And I'm like, I just spent 10 hours cleaning. And, like. And you're disrespecting me. Right. Quote, unquote. And the truth was, I felt it was a disrespect because, A, I wasn't enjoying it, B, I thought I was doing it for him, and I was doing things that he didn't even say he wanted. I was just getting trapped in what I thought I should do.

Yeah.

And so the truth was, he didn't care if the socks were on the floor or not. And the truth was, I didn't care. I had just placed a value on the fact that my life was consisting of cooking and cleaning for him. And so now all of these unspoken truths were. Or these unspoken things were happening. And I wasn't articulating any of it. I was just getting mad at him. And what happens with resentment, over time, it starts to build contempt. And contempt is like the one, you know, one of the four horses of the apocalypse, you know, like, it. It absolutely will destroy your relationship. I think it was the Gottman Institute, where they did a whole study where they turned the sound off and they brought in these couples. And so they were just watching, and they had these couples come in, and the person in the room would ask them, like, tell me the story about how you guys met. Or they would ask them questions. And the Gottman Institute, I think it was something by like, 90 accuracy. They could predict who was going to get divorced in the future just by the way that they had shown contempt on their face.

Wow.

So it's the rolling of the eyes. It's the, you know, the. When someone's expressing a story, it's the turning away from your partner instead of turning towards now, what ends up, that stacks over time, that doesn't happen overnight. So how does contempt build? It's these moments where neither of you are actually speaking your truth, neither of you actually expressing what really you think because you're worried it's going to upset the other person. The reason why now, looking back, that I didn't speak up for eight years, is I didn't want to upset Tom. He was going out there and he was working and I felt like it was my duty to support him. So that was huge for me. But the other part was I didn't just come in and say, hey, I'm changing. And now you have to accept it. I went in seeing him as my partner and seeing the fact that how do we maneuver this together? Because just because I'm changing, it doesn't mean that I'm doing this alone. And when you open your arms up to say, I need your help, it just allows the other person to find pride. And my husband really prides himself on being the person that shows up for his wife. So now you can imagine, I know that that's what he prides himself on. I use it, if you will, to my advantage by saying, I know that he wants what's best for me. And then in that moment, I give him the grace to be honest. Because that's also the other thing. When you've made a decision, you sometimes don't actually want to hear the other person's opinion. So the truth was, Tom said, okay, this is going to be worse for me, technically from a day to day, because now I have to think about my food, I have to think about my underwear. So that is true. I can't rob him of that. And then the second thing is, I asked him, babe, how can I be a partner in this transition? So what is it that you need from me while I go from being a full time housewife to now being an equal business partner? And he said, you know, like a, I have to mourn the wife that you were. And I respected that. I was like, yes, because I am changing. I have to mourn the identity I had of being a stay at home wife. So even though I didn't like it, I still had to mourn that identity and I had to allow him the right to mourn that as well. And I said, cool, let's sit down and come up with a game plan because, you know, we're very strategic and like that with, you know, very logistics. And I was like, cool, logically, how am I going to help you transition? Because I had emotionally, internally transitioned, but he hadn't. So we came up with a plan. And I said, okay, babe, for the next two weeks, I'm going to cook and clean for you six days a week, and then I'm going to go to five days a week, and then I'm going to go to four days a week, and then I'm going to go to three. Because it showed him the respect that I was changing. It showed him the respect that I was the one changing the narrative to the story we were going to write together.

And what I love about it is that you didn't just come with a problem. Hey, I hate doing the dishes and I hate cooking and I hate doing your underwear where I'm done. And then both of you on the defense, it's like, oh, I work my ass off every day. I go to work seven days a week to support this woman, and now she doesn't want to support me at home. It wasn't any of that. You expressed who you were, what you felt with empathy and compassion. You asked for his side, and you accepted it no matter what he said. It's a Tom Billy 101 to say he had to mourn that. That is so your head. That is so.

Yeah, yeah, right?

Like, that is just. It was beautiful, but. And then you crafted a plan. And that's why I think this is a really strong conversation. I hope you're listening. I hope you're taking notes like crazy, or don't forget to share this with someone in your life that needs it as well. But you crafted a legit. A strategic plan or a logical plan to progress, and you worked as a team to achieve it. And now I know on the other side, he got the wife on a whole nother level because you got to be you, right? I mean, I know when I get to be me around my wife, she gets the best version of me, right? When she gets to be the badass wife and business owner and who she is. I'm so attracted to her. Like, I'm so. Like, she lights me up because she's getting to be her. If she was just being submissive and doing my thing, I would get a wife, but I wouldn't get this fiery partner, you know? So, anyway, I want you to keep going, but I love crafting a plan plan, because I know right now. And maybe we could talk about this later, and maybe this is enough, Lisa, but I know there's a lot of women listening right now and go that's me. But I don't even know how would I even start that conversation with my. My significant other. Maybe we get to that later. I don't want to stop you in your flow.

No, no. And I think that really is. Multiple aspects is the way that I'd seen. And this is kind of how I approached Tom. I think of marriage or really relationships as being a sport. Right. So let's say it's a game of tennis. Now, the question is, do you both agree that you're playing tennis? Yes or no? Yes. Great. Do you think that you're playing singles or are you playing doubles? Because singles is me one side of the net and him the other, and I'm just hitting the ball to him, and then he hits it back. Now, the truth is, only one of you can win in that scenario. But if you're playing a team, a doubles, you're on the same side of the net. If you win, he wins. If he wins, you win. And now think even about tennis players. If I'm great at backhand, but I'm terrible at a front hand, my husband's got my back. He's coming in knowing where my weaknesses are, and he can help me in that game so that we can win together. So the thing that I was honest with him is I'm very fearful right now. I'm scared. I don't know where this is going to lead. I'm trying this new thing called entrepreneurship. I don't know how you're going to feel. I don't know know if you're going to accept me and the new me that evolves. And I really am worried about that. So can you help me navigate that? Right. Once you're open and able to be vulnerable with somebody, it kind of leads them to two paths. Either they say yes, let's work through it, or they say, no. And the truth is, do you want to be with somebody that doesn't want to put your happiness first? And that is. It's harsh to say, but that's where it comes down to the truth. And if you're open and honest, honest it isn't. Doesn't mean that it's going to be. Not going to be difficult. Right. And you can address that. This is going to be really hard, challenging season for us, but I really believe that we can work through it together and then see if they're willing to have that buy in. And once Tom got the buy in, because I expressed how I was going to feel, I expressed to him that it, you know, was going to make me happy. Then the next thing was, okay, well, if at any point this becomes a hindrance, you know, it's not going to be smooth sailing. So he must always vocalize what he's going through, and I must always vocalize what I'm going through on the journey. And because we did it together, the. The most beautiful statement he made once was, I just said, you know, I wasn't going to do laundry. I'll get to it when I get to it was my answer. And then one day, we're heading to Quest. It's still, like, really early days, and we're going in together. Or he had to go in first, actually. And he was like, like, babe, I'm out of clean underwear. And I was like, okay. And he's like, so I'm going commando, you know, like, so he's going without underwear. And he literally left the. Left the house and went to work without underwear. Now, because of the way that we did it, there's two scenarios. One, he's. He's pissed. He's like, I can't believe I don't even have clean underwear. I married a woman that said she was going to take care of me. I married a woman who said she wanted four children, and now here she is out working, and I don't even have clean underwear. Or you have the husband that ended up doing what he did because we were working together through this transition. He felt proud. That moment where he was screaming, I'm not going to work with no underwear. There was a moment of pride with him because his identity became and was the person that is there for his wife. And so there was no resentment there. There was only pride that he was the husband that could support his wife, even though it meant more difficulty for him. And my husband's love language is feeling the. The appreciation. And I actually think that this is probably most men, they just want to be appreciated.

True story. True story.

And so knowing that. Knowing that we had articulated all of this when he left proud, I showed him the appreciation again. And that became the moment where I was like, oh, if you're able to articulate it, work through it, address the problems, not shun them, not demean, not have expectations. Be very open to that. This transitional period, you can come out of it with, you know, hopefully sunshine, but it takes a lot of work. It's not going to be freaking easy. And you have to be open to listening.

Yeah. And. And it's worth it, you know? And the other thing I would challenge, if you're listening Right now is the resentment does build. There's nothing you can do about it. And you might be thinking or having friends with your girlfriends or this could be a guy talking about your wife too. Same thing. And I'm not saying. But you could be thinking, I wish he would or I wish she would support me in the way I want. But I know, at least in my experience, I'm going to say guilty is. I've had those words echo in my mind or set them out loud. Why, Simon? While simultaneously I wasn't vulnerable or transparent to really share what it is that I was feeling or what it is I wanted. Like we were building resentment for something we didn't ask, ask for. At least, at least give your significant other the chance to respond in a way that doesn't put them on their heels. I think that's so important. Lisa, thank you so much for sharing that. I know that's personal and, and, and, and, and so powerful because we just see so many people at that this space where it's time for them. Like I've done enough for the kids or I've done enough for the career. I've done enough for my significant other. I need me. Like I got to do me. And we, we know these years, they just seem to be knocking down quicker and quicker and we don't have a lot of time. We got to make decisions now. That word vulnerable. Yeah, go ahead.

I'd actually, if I don't mind, actually add one more thing to this discussion is that even in that transition afterwards, it isn't always going to be hunky dory roses and rainbows. And so there were moments where as I was transitioning even more now, I was going to work. I was building quest was growing at 57,000%. So I went from helping ship to ship bars of my living room floor one day to two years later. I had a facility where I was shipping out $80 million worth of revenue and I had 40 employees underneath me. Now, we so believed that we wanted to give anyone a chance. If you're willing to show up and work hard, we don't care if you have a criminal record or not. So about half of my team being in the manual labor division with a lot of them had, were ex convicts. Now here I am, five foot one with ex convicts who are, you know, six foot five, big, big dudes. And so I had to get hard. And so even in the getting hard, my personality started to change because I wasn't able, I had to build a strength in me that I didn't have before. I couldn't be pushed around. And now, in getting hard, I then brought that home. And so, even with what I said, we still had to keep communicating, and we had to leave the table open and the discussion open to having the hard talks where Tom came to me and he said, I love you, babe. I understand why you're doing what you're doing. I'm so happ. Happy and proud of you on the person you're becoming and the confident woman you're becoming, but you're bringing your masculine side home, and I actually love your feminine side. Now, this is going to be hard to talk about, but it's important and imperative because I had to be willing to listen to that, be willing to hear him out. And there is no right or wrong. I can't shame him for the thing that he wanted. And so in that moment where I said to him, babe, I hear you, let me actually take that upon myself and really process it. So what I realized was, is that I was getting hard. I was getting snappy. I was getting, you know, much more masculine. I'm not actually even sure what other words to use. And I was bringing that home in all aspects, and rightly so. Right. We have the freedom, hopefully, to be able to voice to our partners what we're looking for. And so, because he voiced it, I realized what he was saying. I said, okay, I understand why I'm getting hard at work. I need that to be a badass in business. And I love that side to me. But I actually also do love to be snuggly, soppy, you know, cuddly wife at home. And I really wanted that, because I don't think you should mold yourself into being someone that you don't want to be. But I did want that. And so what I then had to go is I swung too hard in one direction. And then I had to navigate how I was going to find a happy medium. And what I realized was it was a way of showing up with my hair, my jewelry. I would change my. My clothes. And so I would go through a transition of going from hard to soft. And once I figured out what that looked like, putting my hair up, taking my makeup off, taking my jewelry. Like, I've got, like, fluffy Wonder Woman pajamas. I actually have those, Dean. And so I realized when I would put them on, I would start to embody softness again. And so I would have a transition. Yeah. And I would just articulate that to him. I would come home and I'm like, babe, I just need 10 minutes it. And I would go into my zone of putting soft music on and transforming myself into being this soft, a soft part of my personality that I loved and my husband loved as well. So it's going to take constant communication. Like it's never just a one and done.

No, I appreciate. This is so good. I, I love talking about relationships because we all need it in, in all areas of life. When your relationship is off, everything is harder. It's just a fact. I heard somebody say once, you know, slay the dragon when it's little, right. Before it gets into a big fiery dragon and it bites your head off. Right. And I really, I see that in my relationship with Lisa, if there's something that starts because something will still always come up. Right. We have two little ones and, and two teenagers and two little ones. And I have multiple businesses and we, you know, all the things, right. We all have our things. But I know if there's something that's going a little side sideways, if I'm too busy and neglect it or she neglects it, it builds. It's the dragon that's getting bigger and bigger and the bigger it gets, it's harder to slay. And what I, what I recognize with us in this relationship is that we try to slay the dragon when it's small. And I wonder if you and Tom have any kind of routine. Is it just natural or is it a check in? Is there something where you go, hey, hey, this little thing's bugging me. But I could see it could get out of control. Let's talk about this masculinity or let's talk about this, this thing. Do you have any routine or is it just innate?

Yeah. So definitely to your point. We didn't have that language, but I love it. Slate when it's small, a thousand percent. It's like if it's weighing on you, you, you have an obligation to this relationship. To say that out loud, an actual obligation. So like that's number one. And then number two, we actually have a credible parties is like how we, so there's like how we run our business is kind of how we run our relationship. So like who's the credible party in the relationship? Identify when we're no longer aligned. So for instance, Tom, I assume he's going to be like you where he could work 100 hours, he can go off and do because he's so ambitious. Like he can go and do it for like a month and then. Oh yes, babe, I'm so sorry. I forgot we had Date night. Now what would happen though is he'll notice too late. So after like the six week mark, he'll be like, why do I feel really disconnected to my wife? So I have the. I'm the credible party. We've just assigned me that right role and I am the person that is able to identify it sooner, which means I have full credibility and authorization to go into his calendar and make sure that I book date day. And we call it date day. It's a whole day. So usually it's a Saturday, but I will literally go into his calendar and he can't ever argue it. So we just have these rules and regulations because I never abuse it. I never say to him, I need it every week. Or like, I need your attention all the time. I have the credibility. And then also I do notice it before he does. He'll notice it too late. I notice it just in time. And so even. And I don't take that personally. And that's also the other thing, Dean, is that I'm. We've articulated that I'm. We've been together for 23 years. So I know that if he doesn't want a date night or he doesn't say out loud he wants a date night in four weeks, it isn't because he doesn't want to. It's because I understand my husband's brain. I understand how he functions, and I understand that he just notices it too late. So I don't take that personally. I don't get upset over it. And now you can imagine that type of level of communication has alleviated any pressure that we have about connecting because we don't argue over it. We just have assigned roles and responsibilities and then we make sure that we show up for them.

God, so good. Guys, if you're listening right now, what a behind the scenes snapshot of, of how your other half might be thinking. And for women that you're listening right now, it's time to be you. And, and I just, I want to encourage that only because, like I said, I'm right on the heels of this event and watching so many amazing women say, I'm just afraid to tell my husband or my significant other. I'm afraid, what if I'm not there for my kids at the level that they need me there, even though they're 18 and 25. Right. What if I leave this career where I'm the go to person and I just, I see this potential? Right? We get to be surrounded by amazing women. A lot of the group, we hang out with and they were once where you were or were our. A lot of our friends were prior to leaning into their, their full potential and they have better relationship with their husband or significant other, with their kids, with their friends because they're, they're, they're, they're enjoying who they're supposed to be. So I, I love that we, that we're having this conversation. You know, Lisa, from the outside, you made those choices. You've done so many incredible things. Things. There's so many women that I know that, that look up to you and lean on you and love reading your book and watching your. Listening to your podcast. But I always love to ask, is there still something in the silence, in the invisible, when no one's watching that still kind of bothers you? Or an old. In today's world, they call it imposter syndrome. Like the old imposter syndrome voice not good enough. Can you really lean into that? You would think looking at you, you got all the, all those licked. I know I don't. Guilty. I got plenty in the dark that still haunt me. Is there something that you still have to go? No, no. That was an old belief. Is there something that still bothers you or you're afraid of?

Oh, yeah. So I have a mean girl that is on repeat in my head like a skipped record. And I say that she, she plays on like Dolby surround sound. She's that freaking loud in my head. And the truth. So that never goes away. And I just think it becomes a. How do you actually handle it now? So back when I was very insecure, that voice would control me.

Me.

That voice dictated whether I showed up or not. That voice would be like, well, Lisa, you can't go on camera. People are going to make fun of you. Oh, okay, so I won't go on camera. Lisa, you can't go on stage. Like, what if you fail? People are going to laugh at you. Can you imagine the horror? So I won't go on stage now. Even though she's there. I think of her as being like, can I swear on this podcast?

For sure.

Okay, so, okay, so she used to be the. In my head, and now she's my BFF F. Okay, so what I mean by that is, so imagine your Lisa, your wife comes to and is like, dean, look, you did this thing, and I actually don't think you should do it again. And here's all the reasons why you're not. Because you've built credibility together. She's built credibility. You're not going to push her away and say, you're just being horrible. You'd be like, oh, my God, is there truth to that? Like, was she actually right? Should I not do this thing? But you start to question it. And what that questioning would do is maybe help you hopefully get you to either recognize, oh, maybe there was a blind spot that you had and that she's now helped you with that blind spot, or there's something that she's predicting that you haven't seen, and now you can come up with a plan B in case that comes into fruition. So now I just think about the. In my head is my bff. She's just trying to warn me, Dean. She's just trying to help me prepare, get ready. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So in doing that, it was like I wanted. Like, I didn't want to go on stage.

Stage.

Like, I saw you. I saw so many incredible people do these amazing things on stage. And inside I was like, why would I ever do that? That seems like that would be the most scariest thing on earth. Don't ever do that. Now, my husband being, we have a rule that if you say out loud a dream or a goal that you have, it is our responsibility to help keep you accountable to that goal or dream.

I love that.

And so I said to my husband, Tom, I really want to help women. And then he called me on it. He's like, babe, you said you want to help women, but you keep turning down speaking. It's. He's like, that isn't aligned with what you said you wanted because women want to hear from you, and yet you don't want to go on stage. And I was like, ah, God damn this man. Like, he's very true. So. So I went back to, why don't I go on stage? Well, Lisa, you're going to mess up, says the voice in my head. Okay, well, what if she's actually right? How can I take this critic and actually use her as my coach? And so I said, wow, she's actually right. I don't want to go on stage because I may make mess up. Okay, how are you going to act if you mess up? Like, actually have a plan? And so I started to break down what I would do if I froze on stage, because that was my biggest fear. And so I just worked backwards. It's like, okay, if you freeze on stage, what is the thing you're worried about? That everyone's going to gasp, right? And everyone's going to hold their breath just staring you. And now everyone's staring you. Makes you Even more fearful. And now you just can't get any words out. It's like, okay, how are you going to overcome that? That. And I just said out loud, how am I going to overcome it? What is that like? Oh, it's actually like a parent and a baby. When a baby falls, they look at their parent to see how they're going to respond. And if a parent starts laughing going, oh, you're so silly. The kid is more likely to laugh. If the parent runs over and is like, oh, my God, are you okay? The kid's going to start to cry. So we mirror each other. That's just fact. So if everyone freezes, I'm going to freeze, which then means the audience is going to freeze. Okay, what happens if I laugh? Well, if I laugh, maybe the audience will laugh. And maybe now they're not laughing at me, they're laughing with me. Oh, all right. That feels good. And so that was literally my plan, Dean. I'm going to get on stage and if I freeze or if I miss up, I'm just going to laugh. And that actually is exactly what happened. Like three minutes into the interview, into my first speaking gig, I said my father was giving birth to my grandmother father. And so you can imagine, my first speaking gig was on a TEDx stage. And that's the mess up that I say. And I was like, oh, crap. And I was like, well, that would be weird. And I just looked at everybody and I just made the joke and everyone started to laugh. And that was the moment, Dean. That was the pivotal moment to everything. That the voice in your head is just there to help you. If you can use her as a guide or him as a guide instead of as something to hold you back, there literally can be nothing that stops you.

You. God, I love that so much. I wrote. I wrote down. Is that that voice? If it brings up the worst case scenario and you solve the worst case scenario like you did in advance, then there is no worst case scenario. Right? And it really takes away the power of your, like, single friend telling you how to fix your relationship. Right? Like, sometimes the voice in your head feels like it has no authority, but you give it that authority rather than saying, this is just my BFF trying to. To protect me. She's overprotective, she overthinks things, but at least it made you prepare and you were ready to laugh. I love that story, by the way. That is. That is so good. So. So tell me what you're up to. The last time we were together, there was so Many great things. So what are you up to? How do people find you? What's the latest, greatest, exciting thing people should go check out?

Oh yeah. Thank you so much. So I have a show called Women of Impact. It is my mission to help other women build their confidence. Confidence. Because even though when I started my show everyone thought I was going to do business because of my background in Quest nutrition and impact theory, helping build those companies. But the truth is I realized that I couldn't get started if I didn't believe in myself. I actually couldn't start preparing or start to learn how to build a business or begin to know, understand, leadership if I wasn't actually building my own confidence because I felt so badly about myself. And so that was what I ended up dedicating my time and life to. So in my, with my channel it is really come and build your confidence one badass guest at a time. Like come over to YouTube. That's my jam. And then on the side I have a stated mission that I want to create content that can help 14 year old girls build their confidence so they don't have to spend the next 20 years unwiring their negative mindset like I've had to. So in my spare time, I'm creating a comic book for young girls that is about superheroes. And so it's when Harry Potter meets Mean Girls and it's a story because I think that you need to use entertainment as the leverage point to help impact young women on a scale. So I'm also creating a comic book but people can follow me at LisaBillu on all platforms and yeah, everything about is about building your mindset and your confidence.

God, I love what you're doing and please, please let me know when that comic's ready to release how I can support it and push it in a big way. I love supporting what you and your husband do. I loved when you had your book come out and I loved watching that, that go to a number one bestseller and you're just on a, you're on a great path and I appreciate it.

I just say thanks to your efforts, Dean. You behind the scenes were absolutely coaching me and giving me. I had no idea what I was doing.

So.

Anyone listening? When you have no idea what you're doing, literally just find the people in your life that can help and don't be afraid to reach out and just ask. And that was. You graced me with so much of your knowledge. And when someone becomes a true friend, it really is when you ask them for help, do they show up for you, yes or no? It's easy to be. Be friends with someone when they're on the upswing, but when someone's struggling or really needs your help, like, that's a true testament to who somebody is. And people don't get to see, you know, who you are behind the scenes, but you definitely were that for me. So I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, thank you. Absolutely. You're welcome. And always there for whatever I could do to support you, too. You know, I ended the show the last couple of times. I'll ask you, is, is there a moment in your life or a person in your life you'd love to give thanks to? You know, sometimes it could be the moment in it you thought it was a horrific moment and it was the greatest gift or a person that supports you. Who would you like to give thanks to or circumstance?

Yeah, I've actually got one. A story that encompasses both. So I want to thank my husband for not showing up for me one time. So the. The worst story of my life. One of the worst stories was I've had massive gut issues. I don't know how much of your audience knows, but for seven years, I've been just dealing with absolute debilitating gut issues. And when it was really bad in that first year, I couldn't stand up for longer than five minutes at a time. My gut was so inflamed. And there was one time I was doing a photo shoot, and I was in so much agony. And, of course, us women try to always show up and be a hero. So I didn't tell anybody that I was having these massive, massive health issues. My husband knew, though. And I excused myself from the photo shoot. I went upstairs, and I fell to the floor, and I was holding my gut, and I was literally taking these gasps of breath, just gasps of breath. And me and my husband have a wall of, you can call me once, I can ignore you. You can call me twice, I can ignore you. But if you call me the third time, even if you're interviewing Oprah Winfrey herself, you have to say, I'm so sorry. Oh, I gotta go, because my wife is calling me. And so I'm on the floor and I'm trying to take a breath, and I'm like, I need my husband. I need my husband. And so I called him once. He ignored me. I called him twice, he ignored me. I thought, the third time, he's gonna answer, and he didn't answer. Now, all credit to him. He didn't hear his phone, but he still didn't answer. And in that moment when I was like, I need my husband. I need my husband, I realized, you don't need him, Lisa. You want him, but you don't need him. You are the hero of your own damn life. You can get up off this floor on your own. And that moment allowed me to realize, instead of me turning to my husband for help, instead of me turning to anybody else for help, I can actually start turning to myself for help. And I really am my own hero. And so. And so in that question that you asked, it was, I want to thank my husband for not showing up for me so that I could end up showing up for myself. Wow.

What an amazing way to end an incredible episode. Lisa, it's. It's so cool that we had the chance to catch up. It was through a podcast, but it's awesome because we miss you guys. Secondly, I know you enjoyed this. If you did subscribe, leave a comment like. But more importantly, send this to someone who needs to hear this today. I'm so glad we. We had the chance to talk about this, because without great relationships, life is just harder. And every little piece that Lisa shared today means so much. It's the little hinges that swing a big door. Take what serves you from this podcast, introduce it in your life, and we'll see you next time here on the Own youn Future podcast. Lisa, thank you so much.

Thank you so much for having me.