Delian Asparouhov and Nadia Asparouhova on Building a Relationship, Family, and Legacy

This Valentine's Day weekend, we're airing the debut episode of Modern Relationships featuring Varda Space founder Delian Asparohov and Repeat Moz guest Nadia Asparohova. I interviewed them about how they make their relationship work dating in San Francisco, and why over communication might do more harm than good. I spent months talking to other notable couples in tech. So head over to Modern Relationships to catch up on those candid conversations for new insights about navigating love and relationships.

Well, we've been talking about doing this for years.

Yeah.

So you guys have been teasing me for. For quite a while, so I'm glad we can finally make this happen.

Thank you.

Nadia's idea originally or no, I think it was your.

You. If we go far enough back, you have a tweet about doing this somewhere where we talked about a long time ago.

Oh, right, I remember. Yeah. You and I were just going to do it ourselves at some point and they were like, oh, but then Eric should just interview us. It'll be easier.

That must be a common conversation you guys have. If you go back far enough, there's a tweet.

It's true. It's true.

Other than me, summer 2020 panic deleting tweets.

Those tweets might actually not be there anymore, but.

So you guys have been together almost six years. Your relationship and marriage has gotten better as you've been together. You have a beautiful baby. What have you learned that other. Whether it's about partner selection or making a marriage great that other people can.

Learn from make marriage great again.

Now's the time you go first.

I don't know.

One liners.

You said be my one liners.

Just got a slogan and that's it.

That's all I've got.

I think the main thing that comes to mind for me with how to make marriages great again is just like putting in a lot less. A lot less work on the things I thought I had to do a lot more work on. What has worked really well for us, I think is just sort of like having this baseline level of trust that we have each other's best interests in heart and not trying to over communicate every single thing. And I think a lot of people, a lot of advice you get is about. Is always about over communication and always checking in with each other, always asking how things are going, whatever. And I've just found, I think in like prior relationships that can backfire sometimes because then you're just, you're kind of looking for things to talk about all the time. And I Think what has worked really nicely in our relationship is, like, honestly, sometimes you just don't need to bring up every single little thing. And just maybe Diane's laughing, because I am. If everyone is going to bring something up, it's always going to be me.

We actually, like, recently went through this. We're like. We almost never bring things up. But then I think kind of for the fun of it, the other week, I brought up an argument that we had at, like, month six of the relationship, and it was the, should I get to keep the money from the mattress or should I?

Oh, my God.

And so what's funny is, like, I've never wanted to bring it back up, but I kind of, you know, did.

I was going to ask you what you guys fight about. So money under the mattress. Is that really? You guys found money on the mattress and you were like, who should keep it?

Well, this is a very D story. When D and I started dating, we were still, you know, I was living in my apartment, he was living in his house. Diane was just getting things out with eight Sleep.

I think that time maybe like a year into investing.

So he's very, very much an evangelist, ate sleep, and decided he was going to get me an eight sleep mattress. But he never asked if I wanted my own mattress or, you know, my original mattress. He just replaced it without your consent. Without my consent.

She, like, definitely, like, agreed to. Yeah, having me sleep.

Okay, whatever. I mean, it wasn't complaining. It's a nice mattress, right? Great mattress.

But, like, they like to sponsor this podcast.

But then when the time came for us to move in together, then he.

Decided, well, part of it is that eight Sleep at the time had, like, a professional installation service. And so two burly men come in and they're like, what do you want to do with your old mattress? Like, you get out of here. And so they take the mattress out of me.

Yeah, that's actually not what happened.

Okay, well, I wasn't there. What did the two Burly mentioned?

Reality is really important.

They didn't really have a choice. Yeah, they just. They took away my mat, left without my original mattress. I only had this nice, fancy, wonderful, upgraded mattress. However, then we moved together, and then.

Like, three months later, we were moving in together. And so she no longer needed this mattress. And so she was like, well, what should I do with this? And so obviously, like, I pinged a couple friends that I knew had shown interest in eight Sleep before.

I never asked what to do.

Okay, wait. I just knew the mattress was there, and I Was like, well, we should like make some money off this. So I should like sell the mattress. Right. And so I like texted a couple friends and I got a buddy to like buy it for like a thousand bucks. Basically. It was like way lower than retail. But it was like, whatever. They're like getting this mattress that only.

Did Nadia get for her original mattress. 00 in fact Nadia did not even know about.

She tried to sell it. She had the opportunity. She knew that this mattress was coming.

My original mattress is a nice mattress. I would have sold it.

Okay, but you would have. But you did it for some reason.

Because someone didn't love.

Anyway, so this is a conflict that came off.

Exactly. And I thought it should be. I think I offered 50. 50. I was like, I should, you know, get.

Well, you never originally offered anything. Let's be clear.

Okay.

Maybe that was the revisionist history.

Well, I felt like I put in all the effort. I got her the mattress.

Yeah.

I found the buyer of the mattress. I felt like I was like just helping you get rid of the mattress.

Point was I ever consulted for any of this.

I think I didn't even tell you that I sold bucks. And then like it came up later and I was like, oh yeah, I got a thousand bucks in the mattress. She was like, you got a th000 bucks from my mattress? That's behind her back. No, it's my thousand bucks.

I really appreciate you showing some of your biggest conflicts. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So that's an example.

Oh yeah. Why do you brought this up?

Really?

No, I think I was just having fun that day and I wanted to bring it up.

Okay. So the lesson is repress everything.

A fine line though between like. It's not that I'm saying we shouldn't talk about issues when they come up. It's just like a lot of little things that you think you need to talk about. You don't. Or you can just find more constructive ways to express them.

But I think what's the more you could talk about with other people or you.

Are we allowed to talk about how your friends try to revolt from. No, we're not allowed to talk about that. Okay. She. They staged an intervention.

On the Delian Project in general.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

We're leaving at that. We can't. If we speak anymore then it'll have to be cut. But with that level we're allowed.

There's something about being a long term relationship where I want to aspire to. Always waking up every day being just like psyched that I'm next to this person and have that be. That is the baseline. The baseline is you wake up and you're just like, I am thrilled to be with this person. And then once you feel that way and you're kind of leaning into that feeling of just excitement and gratitude, then all the other little stuff just doesn't feel that important.

So how do you know whether something is worth bringing up or what is a more constructive way of. If you're not. If you don't bring it up, but you actually, like, feel something, how do you deal with that?

I do actually want to mention, like, a point to the earlier question, although this one is also valuable, I think. You know, one of the things that I remember thinking the first, like, you know, three or four months of the relationship was up until then, every person that I dated, I always felt like there was, like, work that needed to happen in order for, like, the relationship to continue to succeed. And sometimes on my end, sometimes on there, and sometimes it was like the combination of the two, especially in the last couple of relationships before Nadia. And I think a part of it was like a symptom of San Francisco dating culture and the default social and political and economic views of people there. I was just so far off from that, and I felt like I needed to work in order to be a great partner. I felt like I needed to work towards the consensus San Francisco view.

Because they were woke and you were based.

Yeah, I mean, I think there's a multitude of dimensions of that. But yes, that is like one of the sort of dimensions. And I felt like with Nadia, I was like, oh, I don't need to, like, work on this. I can just, like, be myself. And she likes me for, like, being myself. And I remember that being, like, one of the things that, you know, sort of really sort of struck me, which is, I think, related to this point of, like, you know, the, like, over communication, etc. I didn't feel like I needed to be like, oh, well, like this thing that, like, I said, that offended you, which, like, I did offend her a lot in the beginning. A lot. She, like, cried a lot in the first three months. And I, like. I remember we had a conversation at one point where I was like, I promise, like, you're just going to get, like, used to me.

You're not like, I'll change.

I was like, like, eventually you will cry less.

It was true. I did cry less.

I. I was like, you'll just become desensitized to these things that I do.

Did you change at All.

No, no, I think you change. I think. I can't tell that I've changed, but people tell me that I've changed. Which is probably the best version of change is like, you know, all your.

Friends say you're such a nice.

I don't think I've changed. I feel the exact same. But then you were talking about, like, when did you know? I think this is the thing that we're probably worst at is like, when is something at the level. There are times where it eventually reaches to something that it should be brought up. And I think we're not very good at that.

Yeah. Of what? Figure out how to.

I forget. Like. Yeah, like. Like. Yeah, yeah. When it's like we have like, you know, once every five months we have like an extremely important conversation, but it happens over like pillow talk kind of randomly. And mostly, obviously, you end up, you.

Know, mostly, it's your shit.

Well, no, it's not that it's your shit. Sometimes it's things that I'm doing, obviously. But like, you're the one to be like, this is now at a time where. Yeah, it is time to talk about it.

Yeah, I don't. I don't know. I mean, I think everyone has an intuition of like, what are your non negotiables or what are the things where you just like, I need to have this thing done or whatever. And. And there's a time and a place to bring that up. So. Yeah, I don't really have like a clean, perfect answer to it. I just.

Mine early on was that you had to learn how to ski.

That was my only grudging up all the grudges.

All the grudges.

Which you did do. And I think you felt a lot of pressure too, which is kind of funny. Like, she was like. Because I had told her I was like, my family over Christmas and like holidays, all we do is like, we like ski together. And I remember this. I. I don't remember the exact conversation we had some conversation where you're like, I feel like I, like, have to.

Look like it's really hard to learn how to ski.

It'd be a deal breaker for me.

Yeah.

I tell you. Yeah, Very hard. Very hard. And then I learned how to ski and then d. Kind of stopped skiing that year.

Then, yeah, we moved to Miami and like, started kite turfing and stuff. So. But yeah, although we'll be. We'll be going skiing in, you know, nine days.

But. So basically what you're saying is a lot of it was handled on the front End because you. You picked the right partner, basically. So you didn't have a lot of fights that you had.

I think there's like, also just a baseline level of commitment where you're just.

Like, you not only picked right, but you committed.

Yeah.

It's like, brought a lot of security to the relationship.

I can't remember if we came up as members. Someone else told us this metaphor when we got married. But it's like, you're. You know, you get married and it's like you're just locked in prison with this person and. Sounds great, but in a good way, though, of like, you just. You have to figure stuff out when you're in there. And if you take this mentality of, like, I'm in it, I'm here, and there's no other choice, then all the other little stuff falls. Like. I don't think there are a lot of ways in which Diane and I are not the most obvious fits for each other. I mean, with the skiing thing, like, Diane always thought he was going to marry some ski person, professional skier, which I am not. And, you know, like, I mean, there are a lot of ways in which we're really different. But I think you just have this mentality of, like, I'm in it, and I'm going to figure it out. And that just brings a lot of simplicity and clarity. And I think a lot of people really, really overthink that part.

Well, let's talk about that. Because, Delan, it feels like you knew pretty early. Like, you were committed pretty early. Like, I remember, you know, Nadia were mentioning that Delian was more eager to be committed or be. Say, hey, we're like boyfriend and girlfriend before Nadia.

Yes.

So talk about, like, when you knew that Nadia was going to be your girl, that Nadia was the one for you. And, like, what was that process like?

I think these are two different, you know, sort of questions on, like, the boyfriend girlfriend thing. I think a part of it maybe is a commitment, and part of it is also just, like, slightly it was the cultural thing of, like, I just have never. Somebody that has, like, you know, I've either had extremely casual relationships where it's like, we don't do dinners. We don't do anything other than, like.

Like, what's your name? I don't even know.

Yeah, exactly. Like, definitely, you know, a decent number of those, or I have, like, a committed girlfriend. That's it. The idea of this, like, you know, San Francisco archetype of, like, over, like, months on end, you're, like, in this state where, like, you know, that the other person's also seeing other people or, like, the poly. I was like, that is just like, not for me. So the boyfriend, girlfriend thing, I think was more that where I was like, if we're going to be doing this. Yeah, like, you know, I think it was like three weeks in or two weeks in. I was like, if we want to continue to go on dates, this needs to be, like, a thing. Because I don't do this, like, you know, taking people to dinner if it's not, you know, clearly, you know, sort of committed. Yeah, that's different than, like, the, you know, sort of the one. I don't think that was ever like a, you know, sort of like, you know, sort of one moment, you know, sort of per se. For me, I think, and especially in relation to, like, you know, sort of for I feel like the guy. It's like the proposal, you know, sort of moment is the, like, you know, solidification of the, you know, sort of one in some ways. And for me, that felt like it was something where, like, it popped into my head, you know, sort of once, and then you sort of don't think about it for a little while and then it pops in your head again like a month later. And then the next time it's like two weeks later. And the next time it's like a week later, and then the next time it's like every day. And then at some point you, like, just, you know, sort of, I think, you know, get comfortable. That's how. At least for me, any major decision I feel like I've made, I, like, flirt with the idea, you know, sort of first, but then I know that it's, like, time to make the decision once. Like, you know, I, like, thought about it and thinking about it basically, like, every single day.

And you workshop that on Clubhouse.

Oh, and I worked out workshop down on Clubhouse. Yeah. There's like 12,000 people that knew that I was going to propose before Naughty knew. And so they all kept a secret. Credit to the 12,000 people. But at least for me, the first, like, you know, moment of that was actually very San Francisco story. We got robbed in San Francisco. The cops didn't do anything. I got robbed. I think you were. You weren't living with me yet at the time. Cops, of course, you know, sort of don't do anything. I was just like, very, you know, it's just like it's. It took me some time to come to this realization because you, like, come home, you're like, oh, weird. Like, the house is a little messy and you're like, oh, but like my like laptop that was like sitting over there is like missing. So I must have like misplaced. Anyways, at some point I realized that they stole a bunch of my stuff and like one of the things that I was very bummed out about, I was like, I literally had just bought a switch and was like excited to like play on my Switch, etc. And I remember Nadia like two or three days later, you know, so saw me and like handed me a switch and I just remember just like breaking down crying, like, thank you so much. Like, you know, this is like, because it breaks your like sense of safety, your sense of just like, you know, so there's so many things that like breaks when like somebody's like violating your place and like taking all these things. Something about like recognizing that and like, you know, replacing the thing that like, you know, I was very, you know, sort of frustrated by. It was very, very nice.

That's so sweet. Hey.

We'll continue our interview in a moment.

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On the front end was Nadia, someone you expected to be your girlfriend. Like, what sort of made it obvious to you like, hey, we should date?

Well, I feel like, you know, as a, you know, guy and see, you just go, you keep track of like the 12 attractive women that, you know, exist in the city and just keep tabs on these. Yeah, keep tabs of like, you know, what they're doing and, you know, how things are going. So anyways, we'd like, you know, sort of met very briefly in like 2012 and she had like, you know, been added to that. At the time the list was like three and she was like the fourth that I added in the list. And over time that list grew to like, you know, sort of 12 over the course of like a decade. And then yeah, at some point like heard through, you know, sort of the grapevine that like, you know, she was sort of single after you started dating somebody for a long time. And so for me at least the first, you know, sort of like, do I take this person on a date? You know, was just, you know, are they on that list of 12 yeah, I don't know if there was, like, an obvious, like, moment on, like, the girlfriend thing. I just felt like, yeah, I don't know, maybe. But that was way after the, like, boyfriend girlfriend thing. Yeah.

Nadia, what was your early.

When did you say I love you for the first time, Nadia? Oh, we're skipping that story.

Well, this guy Dalian comes into your life. Was it obvious to you at first?

No, not at all. Delian is definitely not.

What about it wasn't obvious?

I mean, well, it was just total package. It was just. Yeah, it was just so random. I mean, yeah, we had. We're, like, one of each other's earliest Twitter follows, I think, you know, and vaguely. He has such a weird, like. I remember it, like, stuck in my head that he was a person I'd met in San Francisco very early on but not really thought about. And I randomly met two of his roommates in the span of a few weeks, and so. And they'd mentioned their other roommate, Delian. I was like, oh, that guy who gave me a ride home once. Like, you know, super random. But, yeah, then he had, like, reached out and we met up for the first time and.

Which. There's always debate about whether or not that was a date.

Yeah, I didn't say it was a date. I just said we met up for the first time.

It was an ambiguity.

It was ambiguous. And I just heard. Yeah, I mean, it was. I just didn't know what to make.

Tell him the burrata story.

Yeah. You ordered this, like, bread. Delian loves burrata. We were at Tartini, made a factory and really good bread, and he ordered, like, this toast with the burrata. And he just, like. We were just having, like, a very, like, deep. Like, if you get Dalian going, he starts talking super frenetically and super fast. He's like, talking really fast. All this, like, weird stuff that you don't usually talk about when you meet someone. And he was just eating this, like, burrata and toast like, this, and it was, like, spilling out, and he's, like, talking really frantically and, like. And I was just like, this guy's, like, cute. He's clearly smart, but, like, I don't totally understand what's going on. They went to, like, a Barry's class afterwards. I was like, I may never see that person again. Like, I don't really. That was. There's, like, a little hurricane that just, like, zipped in and, like, zipped out. But then we did end up going on actual date after that because I.

Don'T know like, four days later, five days later. Why'd you say yes?

I. I really like weird guys. Like, weird is interesting, right? Weird is intriguing. And so I was intrigued by the weirdness of what were doing on our.

First date, whatever that was.

We. Well, the date part is maybe not the important part.

Oh, yeah. But it's helpful context, you know? But then. Then after context, I think it's just.

I don't think we need all the context.

Okay, okay. We don't need all the context. Fine.

But something that did endear me to him on this first date. We did a, you know, normal first date thing, but we went back to his place afterwards to cook dinner.

Because the date place didn't have dinner.

Yes. Yeah, our dinner, our dinner, restaurant. Plans fell through. We ended up just buying grocery, and we're like, we're just gonna cook dinner at home. And Dahlian is parking his car in the driveway. And it's like one of these San Francisco houses, like the Victoria Victorians. Yeah. Where you, like, walk up to the top. So I'm staying at the top of the steps. Delian is parking down below. And I'm waiting for him. And these three people approach me. It's a guy with two children, and they're, like, bounding up the stairs, and they're like, hello. So excited to meet you. And I was like, who are these people? It turns out it's Diane's dad and his two younger siblings who. Yeah, we're visiting for the weekend.

But I told him I was like, you guys need to, like, hide and go watch a movie or something so I can take this girl on this date. But then they got home earlier than expected and happened to perfectly run into her in the moment.

You met Dylan's family on her first date?

Yes. And they were all there.

Yes.

And. Yeah. But it was a very. I think, what kind of flipped for me of, okay, first, like, he's weird, but he's intriguing. Then it was like, okay, we had some fun together. And then. But then I think seeing how close Dahlion was with his family was a really endearing thing that you just don't see much of in San Francisco dating especially. I met his mom, like, very soon after that. I think the first time that we, like, started officially dating, she came over. We were, you know, doing a whole era Easter thing together. He's just, like, clearly very, very grounded in his. His family. And to me, that was a sign of commitment and someone who's just. Yeah, I don't know. I. I find that. I found that Just really, really nice.

So I made her do math worksheets on her first date.

I wasn't allowed to eat dinner until I completed these math problems and I got them wrong.

Sixth grade math counts.

Come on. I feel like Delian changed your sort of conception of what you were attracted to or what your type was or what would be good for you based on previous people or people that you dated or thought you might be attracted to. Like, what did you learn about sort of.

I think it goes back to the prison thing again, of you don't want.

To be in prison with a nerd.

But he was willing to go to prison as other people were.

Maybe a better analogy is, you know, you people have. There are people you can be very close friends with and love, but you don't want them to be your roommates. Right. And it's just like, you don't necessarily want to deal with, like, that kind of stuff together. And I think there's something similar with, like, the prison thing or whatever. But I've definitely date a lot of people where it's, you know, we have all this chemistry and very specific dimensions that are really nice and fun and it's very engaging. But in the end, it's like if you're getting married, you're having kids, you're raising a family, you're dealing with a lot of practical stuff that is not always glamorous. You need someone who can actually just deal with that with you. And that's a very different way of thinking about relationships. And we don't talk about that very often. I think we usually just talk about the, you know, look for someone who shares your same interests and. Or really generic traits, like smart and funny and.

Or someone who'd be like the most fun weekend or something.

Yeah. And I think we're just. And then we think that, oh, if you just have a really fun time with someone and they're smart and funny and they check all the boxes, then eventually it just kind of morphs into a series. But sometimes it doesn't. And so I think having that kind of more top of mind of like, do I want to be doing all the other stuff that might not look so fun? And in a weird. In the end, I think finding someone that you genuinely enjoy doing all that stuff with makes it really fun. So I think. I don't know. I have found parenthood with Deliance a blast. We're having a great time. Obviously there are things that are still hard about it, but I feel like even the most mundane things or the most boring things people talk about. If it's someone that you genuinely enjoy doing this stuff with, I mean, you just have a really great time. So, yeah, so it matters.

Hey, we'll continue our interview in a moment after a word from our sponsors.

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Delian on the 20 minute VC podcast Harry Stubbings for some reason, asked you what's most important in a partner. Sex, Laughter, honesty, or respect. And you chose sex.

Nice.

No, I'm just kidding. You chose honesty.

Oh, okay. I remember you, you honestly could have convinced me that I chose sex I didn't like.

Whatever your answer was.

You, you, you ranked them.

Okay, I went honestly, then sex. Yeah, then sex, then sex.

And I think humor was last, irrespective humor. And Nadia, what's your ranking for you.

What are the, what are the three things?

Sex, laughter, honesty, respect.

And I think I went, I went honesty, sex, respect, and maybe, and maybe.

Explain your, your rank.

Let's see. To me, honesty, respect was last.

That's why I was so weird.

Was respect or did I do laughter last? Or maybe. Yeah. Okay. Anyways. Yeah, but it was definitely like at least honesty and sex first. And. Yeah, I don't think you like that respect was like third, basically.

But then you gave me an explanation that made sense.

Yeah, I don't really remember. I think you were something.

Yeah, I think you were like, if I could be honest with them, then I can develop the other, the other thing.

Yeah, I think it was like if you don't have honesty, that feels like, you know, sort of base truth where it's just like you need, you know, you know, a common, you know, ground that you're operating from. And then sex just feels like it's just so fundamental that also if you don't have that, the others like kind of don't, you know, sort of matter either. And so then it's like in some ways it's not that respect doesn't matter, but it's like you can't really have that without the, like.

Well, it's a balanced honesty. You're not overly, you're not, not to your earlier point. You're not over sharing or.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not like a total download.

Yeah. Is that what you talk about? Every single detail about each other's lives every single day? Right. It's just like. But of the things that we're communicating to one another, we always know that.

We'Re saying the truth being real with each other? Yeah, I think honesty is definitely the most important one. Or just. It's not even because I want to say communication, but it's not communication again in the sense of tell every, tell every single thing you're thinking. It's like this healthy balance of communication where some things are said, some things are implicitly understood, and you just, just you're on the right level with each other. I think being able to. To convey feeling to someone through body language, through intentions, and not always having to over verbalize everything is just really good sign.

Yeah. How do you think about. You guys obviously have shared context, shared knowledge. You're in the same industry. You have, you know, similar friend groups. There's a lot shared, but there's also a lot different. Right. Like, Nadia is very literary, very verbal. Dalian doesn't love to read books to the same degree.

I mean, I still love to read, just not to the same degree. It's hard to read different things. Yeah, I read about war.

Yeah, he does read a lot about war.

You're a spaceman, you know, different. There's definitely some differences there in interest, but also just how you guys sort of process the world. Think about the world. And there are other people of the opposite sex who might be more similar to you. But I'm curious how you think about that balance. How should other people think about sort of similarities and differences and what, like, what's like, the. Right.

I mean, there's obviously people, like, I think about, like, you know, Mateo and Alex from eight Sleep, where it's like, literally they have the exact same context and they literally work together for eight hours a day. So I don't think there's any, like, universal, you know, sort of answer here. At least for me. I felt like I just am so, you know, sort of, you know, work is such a top, you know, sort of priority for me that I felt like in prior relationships where I didn't have some level of, like, shared context and just like somebody that, like, knew what a series A was going into the relationship, I was like this. It's just I'm such a foreign body and I want to be able to talk this stuff over. And so, you know, no shared context is too difficult for me. But then I also felt like, you know, there. There weren't an infinite number, but the handful of people that I like, you know, sort of dated or, you know, had brief flings with that were like, literally another VC or another founder. I was like, oh, my God. I, like, might as well just stay at the office all day. This is just like. Then we're just like the exact same thing. And so that just feels wrong, too. So it's not that I don't think it was like, again, explicitly searching for it when I was looking for a partner or anything like that, but once in it, I was like, oh, my God. This is the perfect amount of context overlap to have where I feel like I'm Learning a lot about things from her, she's learning about things from me. But also we have this shared network and understanding of technology, Silicon Valley, et cetera. And so we're not trying to explain the basics to one another.

Yeah, I share that sentiment, I think, from my. And I also just didn't realize how wonderful it would be to date someone. That's very grounding. Yeah, I spend a lot of time in my head all day and a lot of time with very abstract topics. And I think if I were to spend my life with someone else who's similar, for me personally, at least, I think we would just sort of end up being in our own worlds forever. And yeah, we had this early thing of the. You were like the Super Soaker. Is that like an.

Oh, yeah, it's an XTCD comic where it's like. I think it's called, like, existential or something, but it's like, oh, she's like. She's going into an existential crisis again. Like, quick, get the Super Soaker. He's like, you pull him up and strain with the Super Soaker to like, bring him back to reality.

That's very much what our early relationship was like.

Yeah, I remember especially, like, early on she was still working on her first. First book. And, you know, that's even more like, you know, sometimes when you're in your research mode, you're at least like, still talking to people. On those days, like, she, like, literally, like, you know, would go days at a time without like, talking to anybody and just like, you know, literally writing all day. And so I would come home and she would, like, look at me and literally just be like, non verbal, like, just like, forget how to speak. And I'd be like, do you remember English Lady?

Okay, it wasn't that bad.

It was pretty bad. And so there's definitely some amount of the, you know, you gotta come back into the, you know, sort of real world. And then for me, I think I feel like a part of what I like is, you know, I come from, like, a family of academics and then I aspire to. I think, you know, I also really like sort of writing. I really like reading. I feel like I'm in this, you know, phase in my life where I don't get to do that as much. But it's not something that, like, I never want to go back to or something. Like, I definitely would like to return to a life that involves more reading and more writing and more philosophizing. Relative to, like, today feels very. I need to like, you know, turn the crank. And so I feel like Nadia reminds me how beautiful that sort of world is, and I get to somewhat, you know, get to tap into it, you know, sort of with vicariously. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I will say, yeah. Definitely. The advice I give to a lot of friends who are looking for partners is it's. You're not. I just. I don't think if I had made a list of criteria of this is what I think I want. And you're often. It's often very surprising who you end up with. But those are, I think, some of the best, best relationships.

So when. When people in your friend groups or people, you know, when you could see that they pick the wrong partner, like, why does that usually happen? Or, like, what is the sort of mistake that you see people make or not fully appreciate when usually they pick something too?

Like, that comes back to this, like, respect and communication thing again.

And commitment.

And commitment.

Like, it's like when somebody's like, three years in and it's not obvious, like, one of or both people are not, like, fully committed to one another. Like, what the are you doing? Like, why are you still in this thing? We're clearly three years in. There's, like, wavering on one side or on both sides. It's like this just like. Like, is not the security.

How long did it take for you to know? Was it, like, six months?

Three on, like, they're, like, wavering. Yeah, yeah. I'm not. Let's see. Was there, like, an immediate moment? I still kind of go back to, like, in.

Together. I mean.

Yeah, yeah, six months. But I could also see a world where, like, you know, if like, we lived in a city where, like, housing costs were, like, 3x lower, like, there was definitely a component of it that was like. It was just, like, annoying Ubering back and forth, et cetera. But if we lived in, like, Kansas City, who knows, maybe, like, it would have been, you know, a little bit later. I don't know. I feel like it's like the proposal thing's always, like, the easiest thing to, like, you know, should point to. Because obviously, like, by then, yes, and then obviously no. When we, like, literally went on our first date.

Right.

The transition, I don't think, was like, a binary.

A year and a half, I want to say.

But yeah. What separated Delian, for you, Nadia, based on other people you've dated in the past was just the sort of level of commitment, right.

Yeah, Commitment. And. And then communication. Yeah. And seriousness goes a long way, I think. Yeah.

And the Communication? You mean the not over communication, or you mean the.

No, no, I need a better term for this. But, yeah, just being. Being direct. Like, I never worry that Diane is keeping a thought in his head that he's not telling.

Oh, yeah. I was, like, frustrated by things early on in the relationship, but I would just tell her, like, this can't happen. Like, I don't. Like, I don't want to date somebody that does this. So, like, if this is a thing you want to do, yeah, go for it. But, like, it's not going to be, like, with me.

And then I realized it was actually just such a huge relief to be.

Like, including, like, the boyfriend girlfriend thing. I was like, I get you're coming from this San Francisco world where, like, things are vague. That is not what I do. And so if you want this thing to continue, it, like, has to be concrete. And, like, you know, I think I literally basically set a deadline effectively where I was like. I think it was actually, like the Easter, like, brunch with my mom. Whereas, like, maybe three or four weeks into dating, and I was like, you can come to the brunch, but, like, only if I'm presenting you as my girlfriend. Otherwise, you're not coming to the brunch, obviously.

Right.

Yeah.

It is interesting. Sometimes in a relationship, some there's one person who's, like, has more thoughts about the relationship or more concerns, and maybe they just need to calibrate so that it's not like, you know, one person is always. Is that kind of what happens here? A little bit. Like, if Dalian has a thought, he shares it. But you tend to have more thoughts on this kind of thing. So you're, like, more discerning as to what you share.

I think I share. I think. Yeah. I don't feel like I keep things, you know, But I think I learned. I really did learn a lot from being with Dalian in that, like, he was so candid and so direct that it felt like it gave me the space to, well, if he's super direct, then I could be super direct, too. And it was just such a relief because we never. I just feel like we're never harboring. I never, ever worry that, oh, he's just sitting there being resentful about something. It's like, if he's mad about something, he'll know it and vice versa.

So it's just that discernment when something is truly worth bringing up, basically.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, pick your. Because I think it's. Again, if you're Trying to reach this. If the bar is that you're like day to day should just be awesome with this person all the time. And it's like, okay, do you really awesome.

But it doesn't have to be perfect. And I think too many people are like trying to overanalyze and dig into like it's not that Nadia and I's like, you know, interactions on a day by day basis are like perfectly seamless all the time. It's like yeah, if we're like underslept or stressed out or we like just came off a six hour flight or like, you know, things are going. It's like, yeah, it's not always perfect. Like she'll snap at me or I'll yeah. You know, get mad or like, you know, there's things that happen but it's like it's not like we go and like perfectly overanalyze. Oh like why did that happen? How do we prevent this from happening in the future? It's like, no. But like you also want to make sure that like at the end of the day you felt like it was an awesome experience.

Right.

Even if there's like minor perturbations all throughout, don't like sit there and like overanalyze the perturbation. And I feel like that's also something that I've like, like had to. I think it's been a lot easier to learn being married to somebody for like such an extended period of time where there are times early on where I'd be like, oh, like, you know, naughty. Clearly was like super mad about this thing etc and like I needed to think about this because I also like would have these girlfriends in San Francisco that would like yeah. Want things to be perfect and overanalyzed etc and then we would like have these like six hour long discussions about like a thing that I did like two Sundays prior. I feel like that wasn't the case with Nadia because then like it would just be like yeah, like she was kind of in a bad mood that day and I said some stupid things and we don't need to like go back and like think about that non stop.

It's the ability to let go and move on.

Yeah, yeah.

Just trying to get better at stuff and so you're. The way you guys bounce back when you snap or something is just like sorry and just like move on basically. Like short memories like yeah, we'll acknowledge it.

Sometimes like later in the day we're calling just like oh man, I can't believe like like yeah, Be able to laugh at yourself a little bit. And also. Yeah. Sometimes recognize there are times when one of us might snap at the other. But it's, you know, look at the context of maybe this person's tired or stressed or whatever, and it's like, really starting to get to know the other person where you're understanding them in this very detailed way so that it doesn't just feel like, oh, you got mad at me, and now I'm gonna call the getting mad at me police and issue you a violation. It's like, he's a human being and sometimes he gets tired and vice versa. And. Yeah. Just be able to, like, get past that.

Yeah. Often I've. I've definitely succumbed to this, too. There's this sort of desire to be like, how can this never happen again? Like, we need to have, like, a system. Yeah.

I think it's, like, totally unrealistic. It's like, yeah, of course. It's just like, you know, like, in the grand scheme of the trade of the world.

Right.

Do you still feel awesome about this relationship? It's not to say that, like, it's going to have, like, zero blemishes.

It's not to say that one shouldn't accept it happening all the time or something, but within reason. Yeah, exactly. And so what do you guys fight about? Or when you. I wonder if parenting has brought up new. New challenges.

I think it's always varied. Like, I don't think there's, like, any. Like, I think if there was, like, one consistent theme over and over and over again, I feel like that would sort of make it not work as much. I mean, sort of. I think two of the more sort of recent ones. The first one I know you're going to be comfortable with. The second one, maybe we can cut out or whatever. But the first one is just, like, travel schedule and balancing childcare stuff. Like, I think, you know, that especially this fall, like, you know, sort of got to a place that just, like, clearly didn't sort of feel sustainable. That was one of the more sort of recent ones and obviously, you know, doing some life adjustments to, you know, sort of change that.

That's what I was gonna say. Just. I think parenting just brings up a lot of really boring, treacherous logistics stuff you have to deal with now. Like, I remember feeling this moment of panic when we had a kid and then realizing, oh, my gosh, like, my schedule is now perfectly tied to this other, like, Taedalian schedule where one of us needs to be taken care, you know, so in the Evenings, It's. It's not. I think we both, we. We had a pretty independent relationship and we still do in a lot of ways where it's not like we're spending every evening side by side doing things together or whatever. We often do separately.

Her mom finds it so funny that we'll both order our own delivery, you know, sort of food from separate places and then have dinner completely separately. And there's no discussion there.

People often, I think, don't know us about it. But like, I don't know. Yeah, you like your downtime. You like your. You spend a lot of time with people, but you also enjoy just like, heads down a little bit at home. And I'm always down to be alone. So, yeah, I think we definitely have our own space in our own independent schedules. But then when you have a kid, it's not like, oh, I'm gonna go off and do this thing this weekend and I'll see you later. It's, well, if I'm leaving then someone else needs to be here. And that was scary at first of just. Now we have to coordinate everything. I don't know if I would call it a fight or anything. I'd just say, like, it just.

The travel one was more of the.

Yeah.

Sort of fighting.

I wouldn't even call it a fight, though. It's just more like functionally, it's really hard. Like there's.

You were mad at me.

How do you deal with sort of divide and conquer quality? I remember you telling me something along the lines of, like, you have to accept that not everything's going to be equal all the time. Like, Dylan's not going to be like the cleanest or, you know, person in the world or something.

Just a dirty, dirty man over here or do the most household dirty old grandpa.

Well, these are some of the things that would just.

I can't wait for that.

Some things that. Oh, just letting go of things. I mean, yeah, one thing when we moved in together, it was. Dying is very messy. Incredibly messy, adorably messy, but like, very messy. And I am not a clean freak, but I'm definitely tidy. I'm not. I am not like, you know, whatever. I'm definitely. Yeah, but, you know, I'm just a normal person.

You've got standards.

Yeah, I have standards. And that's the kind of thing where you have to decide, you know, am I going to be miserable if I. If I like this person, I want to live with them. It's either. It has to be a complete deal breaker. We're not gonna. We can't date anymore because we can't live together. Or I'm gonna be running around picking up after him all the time. That would be very annoying. Or just, you know, you sort of accept on both sides. There's some things where Diane knows to, like, pick up after himself. And some things were like, sometimes the mess that's out there, and if I had my way, I would love to pick it up and clean it. But it's. People have different personalities and, you know, it just decided. Just doesn't. It really just doesn't matter that much in the end. And I'm just harmonious about it, you know, you're harmonial.

You said, I'm scared. I'm just kidding.

Yes.

How do you guys deal with that? I'm just kidding, Wood. I'm just kidding.

I think parenting introduces a lot of logistics, and it's very easy to then just have your life be logistics and coordinating. And that also takes the joy out of a relationship really fast. And I think being cognizant of. I try to at least be aware of. Let's make sure we're not constantly talking about the baby in logistics. And there are other things that we can really. Being active and looking for those moments of joy and other ways to connect, because I think that can be a place where it starts to really impact someone's relationship, where suddenly you get a year in or something, you realize all we ever do is talk logistics, and we never do anything joyful for ourselves.

Delan, you've talked about how young men should have kids sooner than they think. Say more about that.

Yeah, but meaning to. I was actually meaning to sort of write something now that my son's a year old. Not that I have, like, some super strong perspective on, like, parenthood yet, given that. Obviously, you know, I sort of have a long path ahead of me, but I'd been thinking about it in relation to seeing other people who have had kids at different stages of life. And I think one thing that I've really appreciated over the past year is it's obviously been the most joyful year for me as a father and getting to experience this wonderful human being that I hope I get to have in my life for as long as I live. And at the same time, it was also a year that was amongst the most stressful and biggest inflection points for me, sort of professionally. When my son was born, the Varda, the office that we're currently in, the Varda capsule, was still in space when he was whatever, two and A half months old was when we were going through our first reentry. There was so much that was so important for me professionally over the past year. But what I really appreciated was that I felt like I was like, my career is growing at the same time that he is growing. And so it kind of feels like it's in tandem where I think I do my best to really prioritize spending time with him. I try to come home for dinner every single night. I try to spend whenever I'm in the same city as him and I'm out traveling, spend as much time as I sort of possibly can. At the same time, I also have two jobs that are sort of highly ambitious, and I also spend a lot of time sort of working on those. And I feel like being in this world where everything ultimately comes as a trade off feels in some ways like a healthy sort of balance versus I feel like when I see people, and this isn't everyone, but when I see people think about only having kids once they're sort of past the peak of their career, you get into this weird dynamic where the kid is growing, but your career is sort of like not falling per se, but you're no longer in this super intense, you know, sort of grind mode. And then I feel like I see them get into this like, sort of guilt where it's like, well, now you're wealthy enough that you can just go home at like 2pm and spend the next, you know, sort of five hours with him when they're like two years old. And I'm not saying that has like, you know, zero value for the kid or anything, but you get into this weird state where it just feels like things are sort of decoupled from one another where like, the, you know, sort of kids life stages and your life stages no longer really, you know, sort of seem to align. And so I feel like this is the thing that people get really wrong where they really think about, oh, like, you know, I don't want to have kids until I'm older when, like, I can just use like, you know, wealth, et cetera, to make it a lot easier and I can spend more time with them. And I'm like, no. Part of the joy of being like a, you know, sort of father is that you get to grow at the same time as your kid is growing. So you can have somewhat of like, parallel, you know, sort of experiences. And if you get too decoupled from that, I think, you know, you just don't have that same connection with your kid. And then I think there's, there's a part of it that is also, you know, people underappreciate how important also, like, the grandparent experience is. And for each year that you delay, you know, basically having a kid, you know, if your kid has the same. Has kids at the same age as you, you're delaying grandparents by like two years. So, you know, if you're, you know, 30, when you have your first kid, hopefully you're, you know, your grandparents. You know, when you're 60, if you wait till 35, 70, if you wait till 40, 80, at some point you're like, really limiting the amount of like, healthy years you have with your, you know, sort of grandparents with your grandkids. One thing that I love about, you know, sort of our son is he currently has multiple great grandparents alive that like, get to interact with him and have rich, you know, sort of feeling. Great grandparents, great grandparents, multiple of them. He also obviously has a multitude of grandparents that are all quite young, energetic, healthy, etc. And a part of that is because my parents had kids when they were young, I had kids again, relatively, you know, sort of young, quote, unquote, you know, 30, obviously in certain cultures is young, certain cultures is old. And so I feel like there's a part of it that is that where it's like, man, you're really depriving both your parents from the grandparent experience with your kids, but then also you're depriving your future self from the grandparent experience by sort of waiting too late. And so there's all these things that I feel like society has gotten perverted in particular over the past decade and especially in like, right wing, red pill, manosphere Andrew Tate sort of culture that I just think really does your discredit for what the purpose of life is and some of the most joyous aspects you serve of life that you completely end up missing out on.

Right? Well, yeah, so I think for some people, they're cautious because they saw their parents get divorced or, you know, not have the right partner.

My parents got divorced. You know what I mean? Where it's like, yeah, it's like, okay, if that's like the worst case outcome, they still had like, you know, 18 years of marriage together, three kids. Like, they still have a really strong, you know, sort of familial bond where it's like, look, do my parents love each other, you know, anymore, or can they even like, really tolerate each other? Not really that much, but like, like, we'll still get together as a full family and like, yeah, they're not gonna, like, sit next to each other at the dinner table, but, like, we still get to have, like, the full family together. And to me, it's like, that's the downside case of, like, if you choose the, you know, sort of wrong partner, it's like, it's a pretty damn good upside case relative to, like, you know, you. You don't even get to be alive for your grandkids. You know what I mean? Like, you know, if I had to sort of choose between those two extremes. So, yeah, I do think, you know, there's. There's a part of me that, like, I felt like I grew up with this, like, you know, sort of expectation that, yeah, kids were an incredibly important part of, you know, start growing up and being an adult. It wasn't that you, like, became a super old adult and then had kids. It was like a part of becoming an adult was, you know, sort of having the kids. And so I felt like I was in this state where, like, I kind of dated people from, like, 16 to 21 or so. And then at some point, I was like, I don't want to keep doing that where I'm, like, experimenting whoever the next person is that, like, I'm going to, like, seriously, you know, sort of date for an extended period of time. I want this to be the person, like, I actually, you know, have kids with. And so I, like, raised the bar to the level where I was like, yeah, there are people that I enjoy, you know, having short flings with, but I always made it very clear with them was like, you are not. Not, you know, at the level or what. What I want for somebody that I'm marrying. So this is never going to become, you know, sort of thing. Especially because I cared a lot about that, like, you know, sort of, you know, if you're gonna take somebody on dates, they should be, you know, sort of your girlfriend.

At the same time, you also think that we shouldn't. You both think that we shouldn't pressure or add to the pressure that women have to have kids early, Right?

Yeah. I mean, I just think there's a very wide gap between what we're talking about when we're saying prioritize kids. You know, I feel like the conversation turns into, should you have kids when you're 22 versus 42? And it's like, there's a huge range in between.

Right?

And I think, like, yeah. I mean, my side of it is it having kids, I'm not gonna lie. Like, it really does change the amount of free time that you have. And a lot of that work statistically, historically, just factually, it falls on women for many, many reasons. Some of them are just physical reasons. Pregnancy is a thing that the woman is doing, but also a lot of childcare falls on women and it really changes your life. I don't have the same amount of free time I used to. I've had to make some pretty tough trade offs this past year because I just don't have the headspace that I used to. So there are sacrifices involved and I think, yeah, I think, think for, on the women's side, like, it does make sense to spend a little bit of time figuring out what you like living life. I think women are also just maybe not all women, but for me, like, I was not ready to have kids when I was, let's even say like 25 and stuff. Maybe some women are. That's great for them. For me, like, I had a lot of just soul searching, finding myself to do. I think a lot of women are like, just more emotionally mature. I was going to say, I'm trying to find the right phrase, but it's, you know, I think just a lot more emotionally expressive. And that comes in good and bad ways. Right? Like, we know that, like teenage girls, for example, are much more susceptible to social media than boys are. And I think part of it is you're just like, you know, you're a lot more just in your head and in tune with your emotions. And sometimes that means you're hyper aware of things that you aren't always. And so for me at least, I felt like I needed some time to just like, figure out who I am. And then I felt ready. And now that I'm having kids, it's like I have zero regrets. I feel like I had a really, really full life before my kids and now I can shift my priorities a little bit and focus. But yeah, I think we can't ignore the fact that it's true. And I think for millennial women like me, we were all kind of raised being told you can do it all. And as soon as I had kids, I realized that's. I mean, I already kind of suspected it before, but you really, really feel it. It's just I don't have evenings and weekends anymore to work. So, yeah, it's there, there are trade offs. I think the trade offs are all super, super worth it. It's also been the best, best year of my life.

Have you. Some people, younger women, get scared that having a kid kind of rewires their brain and thus they'll care less about their career and more about their kid. And I'm sure there's some excitement that comes with that. But they're also like really excited about their career. They spend their whole 20s doing it.

Is that I don't know that I haven't really. I don't know if it's. Or were you seeing your peer groups? Yeah, I think it's been a mix. I think there's some women I know who didn't. They kind of didn't love their careers anyway and so this gave them something else to focus on. I also know a lot of women, myself included, where it's like, I love my kid. I don't want to spend 247 on childcare. I just don't. And then it just becomes this really painful trade off of how do you figure out how to balance both those things? But yeah, I think we have to at least just start being realistic about what some of those trade offs are. And we can't just pretend that they don't exist because then you end up for a very rude awakening.

Totally. So men should have kids, young women should wait. So it sounds like men should date older women, marry older women, have kids with them. That's the takeaways. Is there anything we haven't yet discussed or things that come to mind about either your relationship specifically or things you advise your friends or people, whether they're at similar stages or sort of, you know, well before, about either partner selection or making relationships great or thinking about kids and parenting?

I'm curious, why, why did you want to do this whole podcast series and what are you hoping to get out of it by talking to all these couples?

Well, one, I just thought it would be fun on its own. Two, I think it's just underexplored. I haven't seen a lot of couples kind of be open about things that they sort of struggle with. I think partner selection is still like, we don't really have a great way of thinking about that. And I think people learn from case studies and I think there aren't learn tons. So I think my own curiosity and I hope that other people see examples that they can aspire to or, or learn from in some way. One thing you mentioned is like this idea that no person can satisfy like every part of or can be like the best friend in every single dimension. And one thing you mentioned, Adi, is like, because you're different in certain ways, it also like reminds you or it's also important to have friends who do have, have, you know, the same interest in certain things, or how do you think about just like a full life, you know, when you think about like what your partner satisfied, what you can expect from your partner, relative to what you need to satisfy yourself or via other means.

Yeah, it's. It has changed, I think since having a kid where our inner, or I don't know what the term is, our, our relationship world has expanded a lot. Our household is its own world in itself now in a way that I think it wasn't before kids. There's so many things that are going on in our household. There are little victories we're celebrating, little issues that come up, whatever that are centered more around us as a family unit. We haven't had a second kid yet, but I have heard from people who have two kids where it's like, oh, now we really feel like a family, like we are our own unit of thing. So I think that also changes how I think about. Yeah, sort of like where the center of my attention is these days. But I do think, yeah, friends are, friends are. And we were talking about this recently, just like, I don't know, the long time friendships you have, you. You start to really, really. They start to really deepen and ground you and hold you because they're people, I think people who have known you for a really, really long time just help keep the time. You help keep the time for each other and that becomes really important. Yeah, having people to talk about things you find interesting that are outside of relationship is important. But I think, yeah, I think, I just, I think less about it right now just because I feel more in like my domestic world has just expanded a lot right now. I'm sure that will change over time.

Though, is the goal of life. To me, I feel like having that domestic world, I don't know, maybe, maybe take the extreme version. It's like the epitome of a family life being its whole own story is like succession, you know what I mean? Where it's like, there are obviously crazy parts of that sort of family and things that are super dark, et cetera. But there's a part of it that's like, look at the family, you know what I mean? They are constantly with each other, thinking about each other, spending time together, et cetera. That to me is sort of what life is all about. And I feel like in some ways both of us, because we come from these immigrant families, just don't have that type of sort of background. I think my family's done a decent job of attempting to sort of create that. But again, our nuclear family that's here in the United States is like five of us, basically six of us, seven of us. It's still relatively small, but I feel like the thing that I always dream about and the thing that is, in some ways my top priority of life is I want there one day to be the Aspiro, have Thanksgiving, and there's like 30. There's like 40. And, like, that is actually, like, the main thing that I think about, you know, sort of in life. And so I love the fact that, like, the main thing that I think about is, like, these, like, you know, sort of domestic whatever, you know, sort of story that is like its own, you know, sort of being. And I feel like that's the thing that is, like, the institution that you're sort of building, the, like, you know, sort of legacy, you know, in some ways that I think is way, way more important than any of the, like, the purpose of building the companies and the things that you're doing is I honestly believe, like, you know, not to get overly, like, you know, sort of nepotistical or back to, you know, a love of what is not oligarchy, but what's the word for, like, dynasty. Like, rich people in England.

Aristocratic.

Aristocratic. Not to get too back into, like, an aristocracy. But I actually think that this is something where we've somewhat lost our way. And I saw a great, you know, sort of thread on this today where, like, as society has shifted from this, like, valuation of people based off the, like, productivity of their assets, whereas, like, how much can the farm generate to instead the, like, value of the underlying asset, the default is the only way to realize that is you have to, like, sell off a part of it. And so you have, you know, they, like, you know, sort of track this in England where if you look at the families that in, like, the early 1900s, once, like, land had value and was more tradable, started to actually trade parts of it, those, like, dynasties and those families completely went away. The ones that stayed very conservative and held onto, like, everything that they had. Those families are still strong families. And so I think it's something that's, like, lacking in today's culture is like, this thinking of, like, the institutions that you're establishing that are meant to, you know, sort of last for the next year sort of 100 years. It's like the, you know, Tudor family or the XYZ family. It's like, those are the things that we should be thinking about building that I think can have Lasting impact. And there's part of this that for me is also related to exploration. I think the only reason we're able to have this type of very short term thinking, capitalistic culture versus long term thinking, is because we are all on this planet. The moment that you start to get into, we are actually starting to explore the solar system, etc. All that stuff totally breaks down. You need to have extreme long term commitment, long term thinking, et cetera. The moment you're trying to establish something like a base on the moon, you immediately are reverting back to like, you know, 1500s English aristocracy in order for that to have any modicum of success. And so I was with you till.

The end, but you know, that's your little touch on it. But yeah, I was sitting here trying to find like a nice way of saying this and you just said it so much more eloquently than directly than I think what I was trying to get at, which is I think like something I just, it's like raising a family is fun. Building a domestic world is fun. And building an aristocracy, whatever you want.

To call it, make aristocracy great again.

Sometimes I hear people talk about, yeah, I don't know, like raising families. It sounds so drudgerous and it's. And even I think before, before I had kids and then I, you know, I would have friends who had kids and they would sort of like disappear a little bit. And I was like, oh, you know, they're just, they left me. They're not, you know, we're not, we're not really friends anymore. They're just like lost their own little world or whatever. And now, now I'm like, like they're busy doing this really important thing that's actually just, it's genuinely really like for me, most nights I like, I am just thrilled to come home to my kid and spend time with my kid. Like that's what I want to be doing more than anything else. And, and yeah, I don't know, it doesn't have to feel like a sacrifice there, there, there are a lot of things that change.

But yeah, it also just reminds me though the importance of like the long term friends where it's like the moment that a trade off becomes like I'm either with my kid or and with this person, all of a sudden the bar elevates to like, well, why would I want to be with anybody other than somebody that is basically the equivalent of like, you know, sort of family member. And so in some ways like the circle tightens. But then it felt like it like re elevated people that were like always family but I was maybe spending time with a broader set of people. And then when you narrow it you're like actually these are the only relationships that matter. Why am I spending time with literally anybody else outside of like a professional capacity?

It does seem Nadia, like you've done a good job of like before having a kid, you sort of identity of like writer, you know, researcher and post having a kid. You're a mother but you haven't like entirely lost sort of the previous identity and you also haven't like. But you've also. You just added mother. It feels like you have had a pretty good balance. Is that fair to say?

I mean I'm glad it seems that way. Yeah, I think, I think there have been. There are a lot of trade offs and yeah, I don't really know how to articulate it in a way that doesn't sound depressing or scary to someone. But I think becoming a mother is a process of losing like death of self or losing yourself in a way that things change for fathers. But I don't think it's the same as with mothers. I'm still trying to figure out what that all means. But there's definitely like a death of self that had to happen.

Right. But it's also your one year old. It's different than like when the kid is like five or something.

Yeah, right. I mean the long term like everything.

There are just phases of life.

There's just phases of life. I think that's where I kind of find peace with it is it's not that that one is better or worse than the other but. And there I think, I mean something we talk about sometimes too with work versus childcare balance is. I think it would be nice if there were more support for people to sort of not be at 100% or zero where it's. Can I be at 100% all time the way I was before? No. Frankly no. That doesn't mean I'm at zero. It means you can be at 60% or 80% or whatever. And I think finding ways to sort of. It doesn't have to be this oh no, life is so busy now at home that I simply cannot do anything. It's like no, I will do things, but I have to do things at. With a different set of constraints and different pace. So yeah, you don't lose everything, you just right softers, adapts and changes.

Yeah. And one thing about you guys is it seems like you married. You said earlier you don't want to have kids when you're like past your peak or whatever, you guys are married sort of on the come up like you hadn't even started the company yet. But it means that you, you, you have to be comfortable not just who the person is when you first start dating, but who they evolve into and who they grow into. And it seems like you've, you've both picked up sort of, you know, your lifestyle drastically changed when you got into, you know, when you started Varda. You know, you've developed some new interests. Like Janice as an example. Not that you've. I'm not implying you're, you know, a super, you know. Yeah. You know, full time meditator.

It's always very funny to have a wife that's like super into Jaunice. That is like the opposite of wu woo woo. And so yeah, it's very funny juxtaposition.

But you know that no matter in what ways in which you change and grow, that you'll sort of grow together and have each other's support.

And that goes back again to the commitment thing. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Still locked in prison together.

There's a part of me is like the shape of the prison is still the same. Nothing's changed.

Make it sound so romantic.

It's quite nice, isn't you?

Yeah.

Well, maybe lastly. And you can skip this to any if you wanted to, but maybe lastly. You guys are both fairly well known. What do you think people don't fully appreciate or misinterpret or not fully get about the other?

Her written communication is far, far better than her verbal communication.

Rude. I mean, true.

If you expect to encounter the same person when you're in person with her that you read it is not the case.

I mean, that's also true for you in a different sort of way. Yeah. I mean my, my go to is always that D is a softy and people don't realize.

Yeah.

Based on his.

You told me once that someone brought you aside was like I'm so sorry or something like people just say weird things happen.

Many, many times.

Like, is everything okay?

They staged an intervention.

Yeah, no, he's a. Yeah, he's.

You tamed the beast. No, I'm just kidding.

D's a very loyal friend and husband and yeah. Just they're really. He's actually.

Does he cry? Is he softy?

He's much more of a lover. He cries at space movies. Oh sure.

Cries face movies.

Yeah. He's much more of a lover than a fighter.

He cries of beauty.

That's true. I only fight for the love.

It's true.

And most of the times that I'm like, posting something that's like, angry on Twitter, I'm just giggling.

Yeah.

You're like, look, not my. Look how viral this thing went.

She always goes, oh, no, what did you do now?

I only fight for the love. I mean, maybe we should wrap. Maybe we should wrap on that. I mean, it is, it's amazing to see what you guys have built together over the years.

Make marriage great again.

Yeah. Thank you for, for coming on and sharing your learnings with us.

Thanks, Eric.

Thanks for having us.

Hey, everyone. Eric. Here at Turpentine, we're building the first media outlet for tech people by tech people. We're the network behind the show you're listening to right now. We have a slate of hit shows across a range of topics and industries. From our AI and investing cluster of podcasts to shows that drive the conversation in tech with the most interesting thinkers, founders, investors and influencers like Econ 102 with Noah Smith. We're launching new shows every week and we're looking for industry leading sponsors. If you think that might be you and your company, email me at ericaturpentine Co. That's Eric at Turpentine Co. And let's partner together.