5 Intimacy Types That Deepen Connection and Strengthen Relationships

Foreign. I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on creating intimacy and respecting boundaries in relationships. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Today we are going to define intimacy. I know you're like, why do we need to define. Believe it or not, we do. Explore the connection between intimacy and boundaries. Discuss how to create safety and security to promote intimacy, and review how to be a supportive partner. Supportive of a partner. Overcoming their past. We have, over the past few weeks, been going through Erickson's stages one at a time. We started out with trust in others. This is the foundation that an infant has to have in order to feel safe enough, in order to down regulate that stress response enough. Even though they aren't using the words I feel safe, their stress response is not constantly activated, and that allows them to more effectively learn and grow. So they have to have trust in others. And then they, whoops, I skipped autonomy. Then they develop a sense of autonomy and, well, and in independence, where they are starting to potty train, they are starting to dress themselves, and as they do this, they start learning that it's okay to want to do something. It's okay to try new things, and they're learning that they can do these things. Initiative is when the child starts taking initiative at what they do and trying new things out. Hey, that sounds fun. Let me try out for this team, or I want to try to learn how to paint. My daughter was big on initiative. She was funny, though, because she would have these things, and if we didn't jump on it right away, she would lose interest. And I remember there was this one time, and I know I'm on a side note, but we'll. We'll come back in a minute. She decided she wanted to grow strawberries, and I'm like, great. So I ordered 25 strawberry roots, and they came, oh, gosh, about two weeks later. And I was like, okay, let's go outside and let's plant these. And I had already kind of pre prepared the garden plot for. For it because I knew that wasn't a whole lot of fun. And I tried to get her to come out and do it. And she was about 6 at this point, and she was just kind of standing there. I'm like, haley, your strawberry roots came in. Don't you want to plant your strawberries? She said, no, I outgrew that phase. What? You're six. How did you outgrow that phase? And where did you learn that term? But I digress. Children are taking initiative to try new things. The next Stage. As they take initiative, they're going to have successes and failures. So they start learning what they're competent at, what they're good at, and having confidence that there are things that they can do. And then we move into identity and self awareness in high school where they're kind of cutting that cord and trying to separate from mom and dad, figure out who I am. And that's not just so and so's son or daughter. So they are separating a little bit, which is great. They're developing that self awareness. They're developing a peer group, which is wonderful. But they may not be to the point where they're developing full intimacy and meaningful relationships yet. They may feel like they are, but hopefully they're not, you know, just going all in. And that's really what we're talking about today. That phase that starts in late teens, 17, 18. Now Erickson said it starts at 18 and on, but you know, things change. Late teens through about 40. And I would argue we actually do continue to develop intimacy in relationships after 40. We develop new relationships constantly. People in their late teens through 40s seek a higher level of intimacy and want to develop lasting, evolving relationships with others. A lot of times high schoolers are thinking about, this is my BFF for now. We're, you know, we're great together for now, or maybe we'll go to college together. But you know, obviously we're very few young people are thinking we are going to be in a relationship for the rest of our lives. They're just not thinking out that far. And that's okay. That's okay. Some teens and older may still need to develop self intimacy and we'll talk about that in a minute. So boundaries are like the walls and rooms of your house that keep people out of places you don't trust them to be until and unless you choose to let them in. And we have all different type, types of different boundaries. Our physical boundaries, my personal body. And that also includes how comfortable I am with eye contact. Some people, you know, they have this death stare and if they're looking at you direct in the eyes for too long, it can start to feel kind of creepy. Like they're boring into the back of your soul. And that's a boundary. You know, you will probably avert your gaze if it starts to feel overwhelming. Interpersonal boundaries, these are your relationships and how quickly you feel comfortable doing things in relationships. And I don't just mean intimate physical things. I mean sharing your, your confidences, sharing your thoughts, sharing your feelings. When I interact with People at work, I'm going to share a lot less with them interpersonally in that relationship than about what's going on in my life and blah, blah, blah, as opposed to what I'm going to share with my close friends. Emotional and cognitive. We'll just put those together. How we feel and what we think, our opinions, our thought processes. And we have boundaries for those. I am not going to share all of my feelings with every person I meet, and I'm not going to share all of my thoughts or beliefs with everyone that I meet. And when I do choose to share those things with people, you know, I've developed a greater sense of intimacy with them. I choose to share that information. And again, I use the analogy of cards on a table. I'm putting my thoughts and feelings out there. I'm not going to push them on another person. Likewise, I'm not going to let them push their thoughts and feelings onto me. So these boundaries are really important so we can continue to discern self from other environmental boundaries. That's your stuff. And we all have times where we don't trust people around our stuff. Somebody you just met, you would not give a key to your house because, you know, you don't know what they do with your stuff, or you'd be concerned that they'd be going through your drawers and getting all nosy. So environmental boundaries involve how confident, how trusting you are of letting people in your space. And then spiritual boundaries are how you feel connected. And we're really going to focus on the first five boundaries as we talk about things today. So when you let people in your house, you make yourself vulnerable. You're not going to let some random stranger come in your house and have them sit down and have tea. Probably not something you're going to do. Probably wouldn't feel safe. Just like you wouldn't start telling somebody your deepest, darkest secrets if you just met them. Even in therapy, when I meet a person for the first time or first couple of times, I don't expect them to be 100% forthcoming about everything and their deepest darkest stuff or their traumas because they don't trust me yet. They have no reason, with the exception of the fact that I'm licensed and they're paying me, but they have no reason to believe that I'm trustworthy. And it takes a minute for people to start warming up and feel confident and comfortable saying, okay, well, I didn't tell you this before, or maybe this is something that you need to know that I haven't shared yet. And stuff gets shared when you're in therapy, not in a sequential fashion, but these thing underlying layers will come out as the person starts to trust you. The same thing is true in relationships. When you meet a new friend or you meet a new partner, you're going to tell them the superficial stuff at first. And as you get to trust them more and believe that they are going to accept you for who you are, even if you share different opinions or you share different feelings about something, then you will clue them in. But we want to think about these boundaries when we're developing intimacy with other people. A lot of times our intimacy starts out with cognitive intimacy. You know, I will share with you my thoughts, or maybe emotional intimacy, I'll share with you my feelings about something. And if I share those things and you don't make fun of me, you don't go spread gossip, you don't do whatever, then okay, well, maybe this person's trustworthy and I may share a little bit more the next time. Intimacy means allowing someone through your boundaries, ideally, intentionally. And why do I say ideally? Well, especially in the younger end or for those people who have difficulty with secure attachment, there can be challenges to becoming more intimate in relationships. They may feel like they have have to violate their personal boundaries when it comes to intimacy in one of those domains in order to be loved, in order to not be abandoned. And when I say intentionally allowing somebody through the boundaries, I mean, you think about it and you say, yes, I want to let somebody in. It's not out of fear that they're going to abandon me. It's that I want to let you in. And again, with both of those groups, you also have people who want to maintain some level of boundaries, but they just don't. They get into a relationship and they're in a relationship for a week and all of a sudden it's just the floodgates open and I'm going to tell you every deep, dark secret and you know, there's just no boundaries. This behavior is driven by something. A lot of times it's driven by fear of abandonment. Some people may make themselves overly vulnerable because they're, they want to, quote, put it all on the table at first. So here's everything. If you're going to reject me, reject me now before I get involved and have, have a stake in this for other people. They put it all out there because they think if I give you all of this stuff, you will see that I need you in my life. So it could be the motivations differ and there's probably other motivations, but we're going to probably explore that a little bit more as we go through. Think about if you've ever been in a relationship where it got too intimate too quickly. And that could be physically, but it also could be in some other way. You started spending too much time with somebody too quickly, or they started demanding too much of your time too quickly. That's that interpersonal intimacy, you're like. Or interpersonal boundaries, you're like, you know, I need to be able to have other friends. Or you start sharing with someone too much too soon, and then you feel ashamed or you feel vulnerable, or worse yet, they betray you. Recognizing that intimacy and boundaries go hand in hand. Because boundaries protect me from getting intimate too quickly in relationships, they protect me from getting hurt, and boundaries also allow me to just in general feel safer. Intimacy is not linear, dichotomous, or static. What do I mean when you start developing intimacy with somebody? It's not. You get a little bit and then you just gradually develop more intimacy over time. Now, it could happen that way, but a lot of times it goes in fits and spurts. You develop some intimacy, you kind of hang out at that level for a while, you may develop some more. You, you kind of hang out there for a while and then something happens. It could be something they did or something somebody else did, and you pull everything back closer to the vest and you're like, you know what? I don't really trust people right now. So y' all need to just back off a bit. That's okay. Linear. Even if you've let somebody this far into your house doesn't mean you can't say, you know what? I don't feel comfortable having, having people in the house right now. It's not dichotomous. It's not all or nothing. I'm either all intimate, you know, everything and you know, I have no secrets, or I'm completely closed off. It's different, and it's different with different people. As I mentioned earlier, I have a different level of intimacy with different friends I have based on how I know them, how well I know them, sometimes what they. Their perception of things. If there are topics, for example, that we don't see eye to eye on, and we can't for some reason have a reasonable discussion about it, you know, I'm not going to share that stuff with them. I will keep that close to the vest and I will spend, you know, be share other stuff in other areas, but I'm not going to share everything with them. And it's not static. Your intimacy, as I mentioned, it's not linear. It's not static. You don't just become trusting of somebody and intimate with someone, and you're there forever. It can wax and wane. And again, it's not necessarily based on what that person did. It could be based on what other people have done or what else is going on in the world. And I know a lot of people right now are really struggling a lot with social anxiety. And so their levels of intimacy have gone way down because they don't trust anybody. They're just. They're withdrawing. Sometimes behind a computer screen, they're withdrawing because it doesn't feel safe out there. So they are less intimate with others. And there's a lot of people are spending a lot less time in real life with other human beings, which means they are also tending to be in environments less often that promote intimacy. Now, our types of intimacy correspond with our types of boundaries. Physical intimacy, interpersonal intimacy, emotional, cognitive, environmental, and spiritual intimacy. How much do you let people know or how close do you let people get in each of those areas? All people have the right to choose who they let in and how much they have access to. And again, I go back to that metaphor of the house. I'm not gonna let a random person come in, and I'm not going to give them a key to my house. It's just not gonna happen. So we do have the right to choose who we share our thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, space, and person with. We have the right to choose behaviors that we will tolerate in relationships. And that goes with boundaries. If someone you're in a relationship with wants more intimacy in a particular area or does something that you feel is unsafe or untrustworthy, then you may reduce your level of intimacy with them until they prove they're trustworthy again. And they have. You have the right to choose how long people can stay. And in your house, that is if you've got a friend and they are your BFF and they have a. They. They watch your house when you go on vacation, and you're just like peas in a pod. And then something changes and you decide, you know what? No, this. This ain't working for me anymore. You can kick them to the curb, figuratively, it is your right. And you can assert your boundaries and become less intimate in relationships. As people prove they're trustworthy, they're given increased access to our physical person. When I first meet somebody, I'm not likely to go up and give them a great big old hug, just Not I'm not a hugger to begin with, but definitely somebody that I've never met before, probably going to give space to. As people become more trustworthy, then I let them get closer. You know, I'm okay with that interpersonally, you know, I'm going to spend more time with them. I'm going to maybe introduce them to my other friends as they become more trustworthy emotionally and cognitively, we'll just do those together again. As people prove they're trustworthy, I may share more of my thoughts and feelings. Not just the superficial small talk crap environmentally, that literally is the key to my house. As I start to, as people start to prove they're trustworthy and then I might give them increased access. It's lovely now that we have these digital locks on all of our doors because instead of giving somebody a key where they can go, come and go as they please, you can give, turn people's access on and off with the digital lock. And so maybe you trust them to go in on the weekend when you are away and they're letting your dog out, but you really don't want them to keep that key the rest of the time. So when you're home, they could potentially let themselves in. That's okay. With the digital locks, you can say, you know, and you don't have to worry about trying to get a key back. Thinking about, in your own relationships, what types of things do you share with anybody? You'd share this with the cashier at the grocery store. What types of things do you share only with friends. What types of things do you only share with highly trusted people that may or may not be family, but there's probably only a few people in the world. Even if you're an extrovert, there's probably only a few people in the world that know some things about you. You know, who are those people and how did they earn that level of intimacy? And how do people earn access to each type of intimacy? And that's not really a, a therapeutic, you know, I'm, I'm asking you to reflect on your own relationships and we can help other people start reflecting on theirs. Why did I let this person in, into this room in my house, so to speak, when I didn't really trust them? I really didn't want to share this with them, but I did anyway. What motivated that behavior? Okay, you did. What motiv motivated that behavior? And is there an underlying issue like fear of abandonment that we need to address? We learn about boundaries and developing trust and intimacy through our Prior relationships. If your boundaries were never respected when you were growing up, then you probably have very little in the way of boundaries. Or on the other side, you may have developed these, you know, iron walls around yourself. And you said, once I get out of this dysfunctional environment, I'm never letting anybody else in. Could be either way, you know, that's the interesting thing about insecure attachment. What are the following boundary behaviors? Possibly communicate and for what purpose was the behavior developed? Behavior is communication. Instead of looking at somebody's behavior and saying, what is wrong with you? You know, nothing's wrong with them. That behavior was developed as a way to survive or was reinforced in some way. So instead of saying, what's wrong with you? Say, how did this develop? So if the person has no boundaries, we're just gonna say they are wide open. You can walk all over their thoughts, what feelings. You know, they'll do whatever you want them to do, even if they don't want to. That's absolutely no boundaries. This person may be seeking attention. They may be needing somebody to validate them. They don't feel able to validate themselves. You know, really insecure attachment. They may be help seeking. Sometimes people who just haven't been heard from other people in their life and they're just like, I desperately need some help. At a certain point, they may just start telling whoever's going to listen what their problem is, Hoping somewhere in the back of their mind they're hoping that somebody can help them. And that's important to recognize what is the motivation. Some people have no boundaries because they were taught that boundaries were inappropriate when they were growing up. And a lot of our cluster b behaviors, personality disorders, center around very, very poor boundaries. Histrionic personality disorder. The person needs to be the center of attention. The person is often way overshares things. Person often has kind of loose boundaries. Same thing with dependent personality, with the exception of needing to be the center of attention. Now, borderline personality, interestingly enough, hence the name borderline, can go either way. Sometimes they may be sharing everything. It's just like here it all is. But as soon as they perceive that they are being criticized, judged, rejected, what have you, they're going to pull all that back and they're going to go, I don't trust you at all. So they've either got wide open doors or they're locked up like Fort Knox. Rigid boundaries often indicate a need for safety. And we see this in social anxiety. We see this in. A variety of social anxiety disorders because avoidant personality, that was the Other one I was looking for, avoidant personality disorder. Why did this person develop these behaviors? Well, when you read the symptoms, it reads pretty much like a textbook of somebody who has been hurt or violated or betrayed in some way by likely multiple people and likely people of significance like their primary caregivers. So they developed these really rigid boundaries to stay safe, which means they also have difficulty developing any intimacy. Developing intimacy is something that is terrifying for a lot of people. And before we get into self intimacy, I do want to say that when you're working with people in in session, it's important to define intimacy in its multiple forms and explore what types of intimacy people feel safe with. People who have a history of abuse are not going to feel safe with certain types of intimacy. And even the word intimacy may trigger terror in their mind. And they're like, oh, heck no. Because what. The only thing they're thinking about is physical intimacy. So we need to be very clear about what we're talking about. We need to potentially find a different word for it. If in the word intimacy is triggering for somebody, let's not just keep pounding that out. It's not something that's going to work for them. It's going to trigger them when they hear it. Now, some of you may argue, well, eventually they'll desensitize to it, possibly. But that's a conversation I want to have with my client. I want to say, okay, if this word is triggering, we can change the word or we can continue to use the word. So eventually it becomes less threatening. Which do you want? But intimacy is something. And after betrayal in, you know, relationships, when somebody's been betrayed, they often may feel sick to their stomach when thinking about developing intimacy again, because again, most people, when they think intimacy, they think sexual. And that there are so many more different types of intimacy that may need to develop and hopefully do develop before the sexual intimacy develops and even before any physical intimacy develops. Some couples that I've worked with, they haven't been ready to touch each other again yet. It's like, no, no, I'll sit on the other side of the sofa. Okay, you know, so let's talk about what you are willing to share, what you are willing to come closer on. All right, back to self intimacy and self awareness. Some people were raised to not talk, trust or trust themselves or others, or feel. In chaotic households, it's not just addicted households. In chaotic households, generally the mantra is don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. Because the identified patient in that family dynamic is going to tell you what's going on. They're going to tell you how you feel, how you think, etc, so don't trust your own instincts and probably don't trust others because they prove they're not trustworthy. So the person's like ah, you know, how do I develop intimacy? It's important for people to have a level of self awareness. I can't share myself with others until I know what I've got to share. Physical, you know, obviously that one's easy. We know where our physical person is. What is your level of intimacy in each area with yourself? Are you comfortable with your body? Interpersonal. What is your level of intimacy in each area of that? How comfortable are you with yourself, with your relationship with yourself, with knowing who you are and basically your self esteem? Emotional and cognitive intimacy. How much do you pay attention to what you actually feel and actually think about things versus autopilot? What other people to tell you to think or feel or just not thinking or feeling at all, just kind of one foot in front of the other. In today's society a lot of people are on autopilot a lot of the time and that's problematic because I can't effectively share how I'm feeling if I don't know how I'm feeling. I can't effectively share my concerns, my thoughts or maybe even my suggestions if I'm not paying attention, if I'm not somewhat introspective. Now extroverts, we tend to like to think and talk at the same time. So I might find it useful to have a friend that I can just chat with about these things and figure out what am I thinking, what am I feeling. Introverts tend to know of pretty well what's going on inside and like to think about it themselves before they share. So how we develop this level of self awareness may differ. But it is important to recognize that we can't share with others what we don't no pieces benefits of boundaries and intimacy. And this is really taking a functional mental health approach. Physical and and you'll notice on each one of these pieces it is starts out with safety and usually I don't repeat myself like that. But we want to feel physically safe, we want to feel safe in our relationships. We want to feel emotionally like people are going to not make fun of us. Cognitively we want to feel safe, like they're not going to criticize our thoughts. Environmentally we want our stuff to be safe and spiritually we want to feel safe in our connections. So okay, we went through safety when we have good boundaries, it helps us feel safe in all these situations, which improves autonomic nervous system regulation. So your sympathetic nervous system, your stress response isn't constantly active, going, not safe in here, Feel like I'm in a foxhole? No, the person is able to down regulate which helps with sleep and circadian rhythms. When the nervous system is better balanced, we see reductions in inflammation, we see reduced pain, and we see improvements in gut health, among other things. Because when we get stressed, our gut microbiome actually changes. So when people feel safe and supported and loved, guess what? It actually causes biochemical changes for the individual that support health as well as neurotransmitters and, and mental health. Oxytocin. When we feel safe in relationships, oxytocin is our survival hormone, but it's also our bonding hormone. And when oxytocin goes up, it helps regulate the autonomic nervous system, which is really interesting. And it's a powerful, powerful anti inflammatory. So helping people develop a sense of comfort and trust in others and find joy if you can, if they can find joy in spending time with others can help people develop a level of physical healing that supports mental health healing. And for some people, I say start out with what is what feels safe to you. Maybe another human being is not where they're going to start. Maybe they start with an emotional support animal where they can feel connected to that creature. And, and I don't say that lightly, there are a lot of people who aren't going to start with sharing a bunch of stuff with another human being because they've been hurt before. So okay, they are in counseling developing boundaries and intimacy with you as a therapist. Now obviously it's not physical intimacy, it's emotional and cognitive intimacy and it's also interpersonal intimacy. Because they are in the driver's seat. They are determining how quickly or how slowly they reveal themselves to you. They are determining how much time you spend together. And if they decide they're going to fire you, you know, intimacy is gone. Inter and intrapersonal benefits of boundaries and intimacy when you have intimacy, you feel supported, you feel accepted. When you have boundaries, you feel safe and empowered. Now we kind of need both. You can't really, can't have healthy intimacy without healthy boundaries. You can have intimacy, but it not may not be healthy. So helping people develop healthy boundaries so they can develop a healthy level of intimacy where they feel safe. Sharing this stuff is so important. It provides a sense of belonging to when we have a level of intimacy, even if it's starting out intimacy with ourselves. We start to figure out who we are and where we belong. We start to trust our own feelings, our own instincts, our own thoughts, which may be new for a lot of people. We develop social support. Now, part of that, developing the ability to support yourself and say, you know, I am validating my own feelings. Other people may disagree with me. You know, I am in my mid-50s and I still cry at Charlotte's Web and pretty much every other Disney movie out there. And oh, let's not forget Land Before Time. But, you know, a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes going, really document. Yeah, you know, it just. It tugs at my heart and makes me cry. That is me sharing emotionally some of my emotions with y'. All. Now, some people may want to make fun of me for that because, you know, I'm a grown up. I should be way past that. But no, I'm not, and that's okay. But when you have intimacy, you feel a sense of social support. If you have intimacy with yourself and you can validate your own feelings, that is the first step where you say, this is how I feel about this. And I don't care what you say, I don't care what other people think. This is how I feel. Well, score. You know, that is, you know, good boundaries. I'm saying, this is how I feel. It is what it is. When I start feeling comfortable sharing it with other people, then I may be able to get other people who socially support or who have similar feelings in that way. I may also encounter people who don't get it, but they're like, all right, Doc's a softy. It is what it is. And we GR gain greater, gain greater self awareness as we become more intimate in our relationships. If you think about most of you Remember from Psych 101, the Johari window. There's stuff that everybody knows about you and you know about you. There's stuff that you know about you that nobody else knows. There's stuff that other people know about you that you're not aware of yet. Oh, well, when you are in intimate relationships with other people, they may help you see aspects of yourself that you never knew existed before. And that can be really empowering. And then the other window is stuff that nobody knows about you and you don't know about you. So it's just kind of that black hole. But being in intimate relationships is not just about sharing. It can also be about learning more about yourself. Emotional benefits again, you feel safe, you feel empowered, and you feel love. You feel love and Acceptance of yourself and you feel love and acceptance from other people for who you are, not necessarily what you do. They may not, they may not agree with that, but for who you are cognitively. When you are in intimate relationships, especially with others, you're able to glean multiple perspectives on things. You can talk about a situation and say this is how I see it. And somebody else may see it slightly differently and somebody else yet may see it a third way. And you can start getting a more three dimensional picture of, of what's going on. Even if the intimacy is only with yourself. You can get multiple perspectives by trying to look at it from different perspectives. But, but that means being willing to think about it, being willing to listen to yourself. You have improved problem solving. When you are feeling safe, you can think more clearly. When you have a level of intimacy, a greater level of self awareness and possibly a greater level of interaction with others, you may have additional information to help you with your problem solving. You're going to be more cognitively flexible and you may see things from a different perspective. When you are in a safe mental space versus one of fight or flight environmentally, you're going to feel safer. When we feel safe in our environment, it lowers our stress response, reduces our inflammation, blah blah blah. It's all good and spiritually. When we are able to set boundaries and feel safe and empowered, sharing what we feel comfortable, sharing, getting support, it helps us develop a sense of purpose and connection. We start to recognize how when I trust this person, then this happens. When I share this with somebody, I feel better, I feel supported. And when I listen to them, they feel supported. And these are the things that grow. So you start seeing that bi directional interaction between yourself and the environment. So what do we need to do? Create security in these relationships with craves. Now this is a little bit different than the CARES mnemonic, but it is consistency. Ensure your behaviors match your words and your responses are consistent with your values and help you maintain safety and empowerment based on the facts in this context at this time. Now that is a whole lot of stuff, but consistency is kind of the groundwork. You want to be checking your reactions, preferably before you act, but at least retrospectively. To say when I did that, was that consistent with who I am, with my values, with my thoughts, wants and needs? Or was I reacting to something else? Was I letting somebody else invade my boundaries? Or was I reacting and pushing other people away from my boundaries? Responsiveness. Respond to the person or yourself in a way that acknowledges and helps meet needs to feel safe. Empower and empowered in the moment and yourself. We have to recognize that every relationship involves intimacy with yourself as well as intimacy with another person. And we need to make sure that we are paying attention to our inner selves. We are mindful of how we are feeling, what we are needing, and we're responding to others in a way that helps them feel safe and empowered and possibly supported without violating our own boundaries. And that's where that intimacy really starts to develop, where we, we don't feel threatened by sharing with others. We don't feel the need to rescue others and impose and violate their boundaries. We're developing healthy intimacy. I'm not going to tell you what to do, what to think. I'm going to tell you my opinion or my thoughts or my feelings and I'm going to put it there and you can choose to pick it up or not. Attention Be curious about other people that you are in relationships with. You know, what do you like, what are your interests? What are your thoughts on this? As well as be curious about yourself. What's going on with you today that's got you in such a tizzy? Or how do you feel about that? What do you really think about that? Not what does X say or what does the news say, or what does your partner say, but what do you think about it? What are your feelings about it? Validation is the V that we don't usually talk about. Acknowledge feelings and thoughts as valid. Whether they're your feelings or thoughts and you're self acknowledging or other people's feelings and thoughts, they're valid. It is how that person feels in the moment based on their prior experiences. We do want to avoid toxic positivity by saying, well that's in the past. You're overreacting to whatever that is. You are reacting to whatever that is and it is what it is. I don't remember who I was watching the other day that said it, but they said something like, there is no one in the history of the world and time who has ever calmed down when you've told them to calm down. And it's true. Those tend to be fighting words for a lot of people because it's invalidating. If I feel upset, I have my own reasons for why I feel triggered or upset. It doesn't mean I have to act on them, but it is how I feel in the moment. So acknowledge it. Recognize that I feel vulnerable. Anxiety and anger are emotions that arise when we feel vulnerable. Acknowledge that and then we can figure out what's actually going on based on the facts. In this context, at this time, we want to encourage ourselves to become more mindful and introspective, as well as encourage ourselves to engage in more intimate relations, relationships with others. But ask permission, take it slowly, and use reciprocal self disclosure. Before sharing too much, you may want to ask, is it okay if I share this with you? Or if you want to know something that may be a little too personal, I generally preface it. Even in session, I preface it with saying, if this is too personal, you don't need to answer this, okay. However, I'm wondering. And then I ask my question. I make sure the other person feels like they have the power to say no, and they understand that I'm not going to get all snitty if they don't respond to my request and support the other person and yourself. We want to make sure that we're creating a safe, supportive environment that loves the person for who they are. Even if we don't like the behaviors, even if we don't agree with their thoughts, that's okay. They're not our thoughts. It's those thoughts belong to that person and we need to let them choose what they do with those thoughts. In terms of helping people overcome the past, it can be really easy to violate boundaries and make people feel uncomfortable. Especially if you've gotten to the place of a level of intimacy where they've shared some trauma from their past. They feel really vulnerable. And then if all of a sudden you start telling them how they should think, how they should act, what they should do, it can feel like you're taking their power from them. We, as caretakers or whatever, need to explore our motives for wanting to change or fix another person, because this might ultimately represent an. Represent what has happened before in the past when someone else took their power away. We don't want to retraumatize people. We need to recognize behavior as communication and creative survival. If somebody is being too free with what they share or they are being too walled off, those behaviors develop for a reason. And we need to respect that and, and work with it. You know, if they, if their lack of boundaries or rigid boundaries are making it challenging to be in a relationship with them, we need to share how we feel and what we would like to see in the relationship now. Not go from zero to a hundred, but. But say, I don't feel like we're really connecting that much. It feels like there's a wall between us. And then suggest something, you know, would it be possible for us to. Whatever is a reasonable first step in that relationship. Would, would it be possible or would you be willing to share with me one of your favorite childhood memories? You know that's non threatening. I'm not saying share with me your first trauma. I'm going with something happy. Share with me something happy. Or are you willing to tell me what one of your favorite guilty pleasures is? You know, for me, watching the Flintstones. Yes. Disney Land before time and the Flintstones. I am a giant child sometimes, but I'm okay with that. We need to understand that people's past trauma impacts the whole person, down to a neurobiological and sensory level. And recovery from any form of trauma should only be done with a professional. If they are abuse survivors, it is unwise, very unwise if you are not a trained professional to say, hey, let's talk about this. Likewise, even if you are a trained professional, if this is not your client, don't go there. Don't start doing therapy with your friends. Because that just gets into such icky, ethical gray area, power dynamics, all kinds of stuff. It's don't do it. So if somebody has trauma, right, respect it. Encourage them to seek help from someone who can help them navigate that trauma and also recognize how exhausting working through that stuff can be and be compassionate with them. You can be supportive in their recovery or your recovery and create an environment that promotes safety and empowerment. So sometimes you're helping yourself overcome the past and you need to explore your motives for wanting to change. You're needing to recognize your behavior as communication. All right, what is it communicating and what could I do differently? We need to recognize the impact that that trauma had on us and not try to fix ourselves and get in a place where we feel like we've opened Pandora's box and we can't get the freaking lid back on it. Freeze. A mnemonic can also help people start to overcome the past, maintain their boundaries, provide feedback, identify behaviors in the relationship that are troubling you and how they impact you. Do this with yourself in your relationship with yourself. What am I doing in my relationship with myself that is causing me problems, such as ignoring my own feelings, just kind of numbing up and going on autopilot. All right, that's not helpful. That's not healthy. So that's one of those behaviors I may be doing in my relationship with myself. A lack of intimacy because I don't know how I'm feeling or thinking. I'm just doing. Ask yourself the same question about your different relationships. What behaviors in those relationships are troubling and how are they impacting you? Maybe somebody. I've had a couple of friends who had zero boundaries. I mean, it was just, they would sort of vomit all their trauma the minute they met you. And it could feel very overwhelming, it could feel very exhausting. And there it was constantly, constantly dramatic. And again, behavior is learned. Behavior comes from somewhere and is communication. Those people grew up in very chaotic environments. I'm not criticizing them at all for surviving. But in the relationship, I needed to learn how to set boundaries and say, I am more than willing to be supportive of you within reason. You know, if you're calling me at three o' clock in the morning, every single morning, we got to set some boundaries there. And I'm, I'm happy to help, I'm happy to listen. So I am maintaining my own integrity and not getting burned out and I'm still there to listen. Responsibility. Increase empowerment by exploring suggestions to address the problem. If you're in a relationship with someone or maybe yourself, and the problem is dysregulation. Okay, dysregulation happens and it's a result of an out of sync, if you will, nervous system. It's not something somebody chooses to do. God knows they don't choose to do it. Okay, so what are some suggestions to address the problem when the person starts dysregulating or when you start dysregulating, what are some things that you can do to re regulate and not get into that fight or flight mode? A lack of trust is another common complaint in relationships, especially intimate relationships. You don't usually see friends coming to counseling together. It's usually an intimate relationship, but it happens in all types of relationships. A lack of trust. So what behaviors is the person exhibiting that makes you think that they don't trust them or makes you you not trust them? And what would you like to see done differently? How can they show you that they trust you or what can they do differently so you can trust them? Empathize with yourself and with the other person. Encourage, but don't force forward movement such as therapy or increased intimacy and open communication about what is needed. Sometimes people aren't ready to communicate that that's one of those cognitive slash interpersonal boundaries. If I know that you want me to share more, if I know that you want me to be more open. All right, I, I've got, I've taken note of that. Not ready to do it yet. If you continue to push me to be open before I'm ready to be open, then I'm going to feel vulnerable. I'm going to feel disempowered. So it's important that we encourage, you know, I'm here if you want to talk to me. I am totally here for you. I'm encouraging it, but I'm not saying you have to talk. And again, provide that support with unconditional positive regard. Today's cancel culture makes it very difficult for individuals to feel safe enough to develop intellectual or emotional intimacy with others. Trauma strips people of their sense of safety and power, and discussing it may make the person feel vulnerable and unsafe. Developing intimacy is a process of being willing to ease in, let somebody a little closer, soften those boundaries with somebody for a minute, and if it goes well, great. Maybe they can come, come that far into the house the next time. But if it doesn't feel comfortable, you can keep them out on, out, out of that room until you feel comfortable to try again. To help people, people feel safe enough to let others in. It's important to create a safe environment, respect their boundaries, and possibly open the door to your home first, I'm going to share with you something, not everything, but I'm going to share with you something and then maybe you'll share back with me. That's that reciprocal self disclosure. So intimacy and boundaries, that they go hand in hand, healthy boundaries can help us develop healthy intimacy. Unhealthy intimacy is often a sign of unhealthy boundaries and, and vice versa. So if you're working with somebody on one, you probably also need to be addressing the other. Are there any question? You're very right, Katrina. It is so important to have that intimacy with yourself, that self awareness, mindfulness, authenticity, whatever word you want to use for it. Because when you start betraying yourself, you don't feel safe in your own skin. And then it's really hard to feel safe in other relationships. Katherine Chapman I have never read that book, how to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, but it sounds very interesting.