Mihail Pautov explains the difference between regret and shame. Shame disconnects you from caring about others, turning apologies into self-focused acts. Regret, paired with empathy and remorse, is what makes an apology genuine.
Chapters
If you've hurt my feelings inappropriately and, you know, like. And I didn't deserve that, then I would hope that you have feelings, remorse, care. I'm sorry, David. I didn't mean that. Or can I make it up to you? I hope that you feel that if you have shame about that, you will think I'm a bad person. What's wrong with me? You will not be in touch with your empathy. You will not be in touch with your remorse. The only thing you'll be in touch with is, how do I get out of feeling so bad about myself? You're not caring for me. Caring about me is not. It doesn't come from shame. Shame puts you out of touch with your feelings. It makes you narcissistic in a way. I want to apologize. I'm really sorry because I want to feel better about myself, not because I really care about the fact that I injured you in some way or mistreated you in some way.