38: Let Yourself Off The Hook with Liam Naden

Welcome to my podcast called you'd Must Be out of youf Mind. My name is Dr. Don Wood. Everyone has experienced some trauma at times during their life. These traumatic events and experiences create a significant impact on how your mind works on a day to day basis. At the same time creates long term effects on your emotional and physical health. It will interfere with your ability to stay present and in the moment. After years of research, I use my knowledge of neuroscience to create what I call a memory reset. This memory reset reduces and eliminates the impact of the trauma and allows you to experience peace and clarity. My podcast will share many stories of people experiencing similar symptoms to you and how their lives have been positively impacted by our TIP program. I can't wait to share with you how the impossible is possible and why you must be out of your mind. And there it is.

Well, welcome to another episode of youf Must Be out of youf Mind. And as you know, we always bring on great guests that have a lot to share with us, especially people I like having on who have a lot of stuff in common with what we do at the Inspired Performance Institute. And today is no exception, we have Liam Naden on with us. And Liam is a transformative teacher, speaker and author who helps successful people overcome their negative limitations and find fast and practical solutions to their problems. And he guides them in resetting their minds, which you've heard me say that a lot and thinking creatively instead of getting stuck in their fear based fight or flight mode. So Liam, welcome to you Must Be out of youf Mind.

Hello Don. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me.

Oh, this is great. I was excited when I was reading your bio and everything that, you know, there's so much that we share together. So now you just told me you're in Bulgaria and you tell me some interesting things about your travel and where you go all over the world. And I said I'm very boring compared to you. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about what got you into all this kind of travel.

Well, funnily enough, it all happened really by accident and that to me was the clue about how life actually works and how we get the results we do in our life and why most people are struggling so much trying to find answers to things rather than allowing them to happen naturally. But, but really the story is about quite a few years ago I had a major transformation in my life and I went from being a, you know, probably like a lot of your listeners, where you're one of these driven success, driven you know, wanting to be successful, setting big goals and achieving lots of outer success. But on the inside feeling.

Is this really all there is? You know, I've got all these problems, all the stress, you know, it's driving me mad. And every time I think I'm on top of my life, you know, more problems come along and it doesn't matter how much money I make or, you know, what I, what I'm actually doing, I'm never really in that place where I feel like, you know, I'm living my best life. So I was that sort of person. But when I hit my mid-40s and I was outwardly successful and you know, had multiple homes, multiple businesses, but then I lost everything almost overnight and I became homeless and.

It was a weird experience. I had to move in with my elderly mother and sleep on the, on the sofa in her small apartment in her living room. And I thought that this was, was really strange because one of the things I'd done all my life was, was study, success. You know, I did so many different things. I started off in a religious household as a child and I was told by my parents and by the priests and teachers, well, if you want to be happy, if you want to be successful, you just pray to God, ask what you want and God will give it to you. So I actually took that quite seriously. I remember once when I was about 9 or 10 thinking, I'm going to try this out. And I went to mass every morning at about 6:30, I think it was for a month in the middle of winter.

Asking God for me to win a competition at school. And you know, I thought, well, if this works, if you ask God for what you want and you'll get it, ask and you'll receive, well, I'll try it out. I thought, you know, you can't do more than that. Well, I didn't get it, but you know, it didn't work for me anyway, but it sent me. After that I tried setting up my own businesses and getting an education. I went to university and got quite a few different degrees. But all the way along I noticed that I had problems and stress and no matter what solution somebody was telling me was the right one, they seem to have problems and stress as well. And alongside this I was studying all sorts of things like motivation, personal development techniques, you know, NLP and all sorts of different things. I was going to seminars, even came to Florida and did a few seminars, I seem to recall at one point. And because I brought up in New Zealand, you know, Florida and the Rest of the world is a long way to come to a seminar. But, but I. Anyway, I tried all these things and goal setting and motivation and, you know, changing your subconscious mind and beliefs and affirmations and hypnotic tapes and spirituality, meditation, all of these sorts of things. So when I lost everything in my mid-40s, two questions came up to me. And one was, how could all of this have happened? Because I knew how to create success. Well, I thought I did. I knew how about positive thinking and setting goals and, you know, all these things. But the second thing was, second question I had was, well, what on earth am I going to do now? Because I had no clue. I'd lost everything, literally. I mean, all my businesses, my marriage, my income. And I'd moved to a town where my mother was, that I had no friends, I didn't know anybody. So I had no clue on what to do. And then I hit a certain point and I'm sure we can talk about this, and it relates very much to what you do as well, where something changed. But then everything changed and then when. And my life seemed to go in a completely different direction and I ended up where before I was chasing after success, afterwards it seemed like success was coming after me because people were showing up in my life with new ideas and new opportunities and I was coming up with new ideas and opportunities as well. You know, I found a new relationship with, with a person who was really completely different to the relationships I'd had earlier. Right. But so I started to form, set up some new businesses and then I, I got into marriage and relationship coaching and doing different things. And all of a sudden I found myself, I'm starting to do things I really enjoyed. And one of the things that I mentioned was I went sailing for eight years. And before that I, my partner and I, we traveled around New Zealand in a motorhome for 18 months. So I've really spent the last decade just traveling. Now that was never on a goals list. It was never on a goals just to go out and buy a brand new yacht in Europe and sail around 15 countries over eight years living on a boat. And so many things were happening all the way along that were just, is this luck? Is this coincidence? There has to be something more to it. And I thought I need to find out what it is because whatever I'm doing, this is working. Because the best part as well was I didn't have problems and stress. I didn't wake up in the morning dreading my email inbox. I was actually really enjoying and still am Doing what I'm doing without setting goals, without knowing what was going to happen, without trying to force things to happen. So that's really what got me to Bulgaria and also to really understanding that the missing link, the thing I'd forgotten about all along, is that we have this natural, biological part of ourselves. We're part of a natural biological world that has rules and laws about how things work. And if you don't actually go along with those, then you're going to run into trouble. But if you do, things have a habit of working out in ways that you would never expect. And that's really what happened to me.

That's amazing. What a story, you know, to lose everything and then to come back and, and realize that this was just another opportunity. That's one of the things I always talk about with people is the best advice I ever got was when I was 13, a tennis coach who was teaching me said to me, he goes, you really want to be a great tennis player, right? And I said, yeah. And so, and this guy was the best tennis player I ever saw. He was pretty amazing. And so he looks around to make sure no one's listening and he whispers, lose a lot. And I said, I don't understand what you mean, why do I need to lose a lot? He says, because you're playing in the division that you can win in. And he says, so you're playing in the 13, 14 year old division, you can win in that division. He says, I want you to play the 15, 16 year old division and 17, 18 year old division. He says, now you're going to lose a lot, but you're going to see something you never saw before. The power and speed of the game is different, but as a good athlete you'll catch up to it much faster if you play in it enough. And that was such great, not only just tennis advice, but life advice. And he goes, don't be afraid to lose because that's always our biggest fear is what are people going to think if I lose? You know, So I come back, you know, I'm used to getting into quarterfinals, semifinals, finals of tournaments, and then I'm coming back, say, how'd you do? Well, I lost in the first round. Oh, really? By how much? One and one. Like I got clobbered, right? And it wasn't that I wasn't a good athlete. I was playing at a division that the speed was faster and so I had to see it before I could figure it out. And then eventually I started figuring it out and then going back into my own division. Almost looked slow, like it was slow motion. But it was just great advice and sort of almost what you're saying as well is you embrace the loss, right, and turn it into a positive for you. And that's what people are, a lot of times, afraid to do. And I know you do a lot of that in marriage counseling as well, so I'd love to talk about that. But does that sort of resonate with you as well?

Absolutely. And it's funny, isn't it, when these traumatic events happen in our life, you know, at the time we think, well, this is really. This is awful. But when you look back on it and so many people I've worked with, I've. I've got them to see this, and I'm sure you do this as well, that really, sometimes or most of the time, the, the worst things that happen to you in your, in your life end up being your greatest gifts. They were great. You know, I wouldn't be here talking to you now if I hadn't lost everything. I'd be still on that treadmill of setting bigger goals, thinking, well, there's something wrong with me. I just need to set some bigger goals. This isn't quite it, but I'm just going to keep struggling and forcing, you know, and having problems and having a life I didn't really enjoy if I hadn't had that gift of being told or shown, you know, here's something that's going to get you moving in a different direction. And I think changing your perspective on what happens in your life makes you realize there are no mistakes. Really, there's nothing wrong. Everything is perfect. And when you see it from that perspective, you can use everything that's happened to you in your life, and probably just as importantly, everything that is happening to you in your life right now when you, you. The way I teach it, it's using a different part of your brain which allows you to see things from a different perspective. Then you realize, wow, you know, bring on the mistakes. I'm going to try more. I, you know, the more I try, the more I learn and the, and the faster I go and the better things show up. So rather than being afraid of mistakes, quote, unquote, you know, if we called mistakes learning opportunities and growth opportunities and a step on the way to the greatness that's sitting just behind us, then I think we'd embrace them a lot more and life would be, for most people, a lot more exciting.

I totally agree. It's one of the things, one of the Things that I talk to people about when I do the sessions and when I work with professional athletes. So, for example, with golfers. So when I work with a professional golfer, I said, I want you to develop an attitude of being outcome blind. And I learned that from Annie Duke, who's probably the most famous female poker player. And what she talked about was, how did she become successful? She says, well, I developed an attitude of outcome blind. And she says, what I mean by that is, if I was playing a hand, I knew what cards I had in my hand, and I knew what cards I'd already played. I knew what the other players had played. What I didn't know is what they still held in their hand and what was still in the deck. So based on my years of experience, I would have to make a calculation of whether or not this is a hand to go in on or fold on. And she says, but after I made that decision, even if it was wrong, right. I realized that I just learned one more thing about a different formula and a hand. So I didn't take it. So I became blind to the outcome. Even if I thought, oh, if I just had a hung in, I'd have won that hand, she just went to the next hand not thinking about that hand. And that's where most people, and you see it, I'm sure, all the time as well, that's where people get stuck. And I use that word, stuck as well. And you do too. People get stuck thinking about, what if, what if I had have done this, what if I had have done that? And my wife got stuck in that because she had had trauma as a child, and I could never play that game with her because I never had trauma. I had this idyllic childhood, this perfect childhood. And so when I met her, I thought everybody had my parents and everybody had my kind of a life. And so as we got married and we kept know, continuing to grow in our marriage and grow in our careers, she would be constantly going, don't you wish we never met that person? Or don't you wish we never did that? And Liam, honestly, I couldn't play the game. I would say, but why do you want to do this? Like it's a total waste of time. And it wasn't for her because she was trying to create these idyllic scenarios in her head to feel better, right? And it wasn't anything wrong with her. It's just the way her mind was trying to protect her, right? And she'd create these imaginary scenarios and actually feel better. But then it Never lasted because it wasn't real.

Because it's all about perception, isn't it? And that and the way you think.

What you think something means if you think it's. If everything has a good purpose. And really we know it's all perspective because if somebody came along and started to chop your leg off, you might be really upset about it until you realize, well, if they didn't chop your leg off, you're going to die of some terrible disease of gangrene that was going to overtake your body. So this is why even. And really, that sounds a bit of a silly example, probably, but I think everything that happens to us in our life, it comes down to saying what's. Is there a higher meaning, a different meaning in this? And is it something that therefore I can use in. In my life? And is there something about the way I'm using my brain that's blocking me from seeing a different perspective? You know, a lot of people that I've coached, and probably you do this as well, and they're very use when you say, well, this particular problem, I can see what the answer is for you. I can tell you what to do. And this is what really, when I did a lot of marriage and relationship coaching, the old style, I still do it, but in a different way now, much more effective way, was I got puzzled and probably a bit frustrated, thinking, well, why is it people won't do what I tell them to do? They come to me for a solution. They're having problems in their marriage and I could see clearly what they should be doing. And I'd say, we'll do that. But they wouldn't do it. They couldn't do it wasn't because they didn't believe me, but they couldn't see that that was the right thing to do. And it wasn't because they didn't even. That they didn't want to see or they, they weren't, they weren't intelligent enough to see. It's just the part of the brain that they were using was blocking that from. From them from seeing that. And the way I broke through that was to show them, well, if someone else was in your situation or think of a friend, have you ever had a friend or a family member who's in a similar situation to you? You know, and what have you said to them and that you can see very clearly what other people should do with their problems that we have difficulty seeing it ourselves? And it's because our brain, the part of our brain we're using when we're trying to solve a problem when we're stressed is blocking the solution from us.

And I always talk about that too. And somebody says to me, well, I keep sabotaging myself. And what I say is, it's scientifically impossible to sabotage yourself. Your brain is a survival brain. It's trying to protect you from pain. So if you've had trauma in your life and experienced pain, there's the block. Your mind's going to say, well, don't go down that road. We know what happens when we go down that road. We get hurt. So stay away from that. And it'll take you in another direction. Now that'll look like sabotage, but it's actually the way the mind protects you to stay away from that pain. So when people understand, I say, you need to get to the root of the problem, what is actually causing it. So when somebody comes in and they say, well, I have really bad anxiety, I say, well, no you don't. Anxiety is a symptom. It's not what you have, it's a symptom of the problem. Anxiety is a function of the brain. It's not a dysfunction. Your mind is getting anxious because it's got a lot of experience, right, with pain and it's trying to protect you from the pain. That's not a dysfunction, it's a protection. Now it feels like a dysfunction because it's affecting your life. And so then people will describe the anxiety as something that's hurting them. So what I say is, let's look at why your mind would be anxious, what would create that, and if we get to that and we solve that problem, the anxiety goes away, the depression goes away. All of those things will change when you satisfy what the mind has been trying to accomplish.

Absolutely. Because I think you're exactly right. We are actually perfect. And this was the, on a biological level, we designed to be perfect because, you know, this was the part I was missing all those years when I was trying to really figure out how to do stuff was I'd forgotten about the fact that, you know, what's the purpose that we exist biologically and how do we manage to survive? And every biological scientist will say that all biological life, its primary function is to survive. And the way you do that is by being the best that you can be.

Are you tired of dealing with stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, even feeling broken? Have traumatic events and experiences in your life created, created post traumatic stress for you? Perhaps you're an athlete, an executive trying to reach that next level of performance. Well, there's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with your mind. Your mind is dealing with some glitches and error messages as a result of these traumatic events or disturbing events earlier in your life. It's interfering with your ability to stay present because the memory keeps on looping, activating your nervous system. I've helped thousands of people deal with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, feeling that sense of brokenness. We can clear that in as little as four hours. Check out our website, inspiredperformanceinstitute.com and check out some of the stories and testimonials. Some of these may relate to what you've experienced in your life, and we look forward to helping you reach your next level of performance. And there it is.

So you literally are designed biologically to be the best that you can be, so that you can survive to the best of your ability. And of course, for humans, that doesn't just mean physically, it means mentally and emotionally. The better you are mentally and emotionally, the greater your chances of survival. So therefore, on one level it must be our purpose is to be our best mentally and emotionally, which actually means to be happy. And when we know when we're happy, we're feeling resourceful and loving and creative and imaginative and motivated and doing all these great things. So that's our biological purpose. And that led me to think, well, if that is our purpose, what has nature provided for that to happen? It can't just be some random idea and then we have to struggle to achieve it. And of course, again, science teaches us that every living organism has something which is sole purpose is to ensure that it survives to the best of its ability. And that's a brain. So if you have a brain and it's designed to make you the best that you can be, the happiest and healthiest you can be, why are we not happy? And healthy? Can only be one reason. There's something wrong with the way we're using our brain biologically. We're not using it the right way. That because like any machine, if it's designed to do something, it will do it if it efficiently, predictably, every time, like a motor car or any other machine. That's what the brain is as well. So problems shouldn't really be a part of our life if you think about it from a logical biological point of view. So when you see everything is perfect and realize that it's designed to be perfect, then your only job is to figure out, well, how do I use my brain in such a way that I allow a perfect life to develop for me, and that includes our past experiences. To say, well, they may be a function of me using my brain, not the right way, but they also might be, from a different perspective, part of my brain's unfolding.

Or attempt, if you like, to ensure that we do become the best that we can be by having certain experiences, journey in our journey.

No, I, I again, I totally agree. One thing is, I talk about when people say, I just wish I was happy. And what I say to them is, well, what are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing? Well, happy is a byproduct of what you're doing. You just don't say, I'm going to be happy and then I'll do something. You need to do something to be happy. So happy comes after you execute a plan or execute something that you're doing. It's the same thing I talk about when, so when I work with, say again, a professional golfer, I use that because it's such an easy example. I'll say to the golfer, I said, do you think you need to be confident to play good golf? And they'll all answer the same way, yes, I think I need to be confident. And I said, what if I told you you don't need to be confident to play good golf? They said, I don't need to be confident. I said, no. Confidence is a byproduct of your skill. It happens after you execute your skill. So if you hit a great shot, you feel confident, you, you put a series of those great shots together, you're feeling confident. I said, but it wasn't the confidence that did it, it was the skill that did it. And if you put confidence in front of your skill, you'll chase confidence. But confidence is the best friend that doesn't show up on moving day. When you really need confidence. Right. And it leaves you. Right. That's when you really needed it. And you think you needed to get back, you don't. And so I'm working with one guy and I said, you're in the top 125 people on the planet playing in the league you're playing in. That is rarefied air. I said, your skill level is so good that if you start thinking in terms of confidence, you're going to put it in front of your skill. There's nothing you can't do on a golf course. There's no shot you can execute. I said, what do you need confidence for? Just execute your skill.

It's just a different way of looking at it.

Yeah, I think one of the really interesting things that people have forgotten when they say they don't have confidence or they need to try really hard. Which is another way of saying they don't have confidence really is they've forgotten or they not so much forgotten that they've never really been taught or become aware of just what this thing called a brain actually is. And the power that it has. It's. I mean, I saw it described as having the computing power of 500 trillion computer microprocessors. Now, with all of that power, it's vastly the most powerful machine or computer in the universe. I mean, as you know, there's been countless books written about and people get to the end of the book of writing it and almost say, oh, I still can't believe how incredible the brain is and what, what it's actually doing for us in our life. So if we knew a fraction of that, that alone would give us a lot more confidence, because we'd say, well, why am I not trusting, not using the most powerful computer in the universe? Surely it knows to get the result that I want.

But I need to make sure I don't get in its way. And I get in its way by not having confidence or not not believing and knowing that it's there to do the job and it will get the job done and then trust.

And trust it that it will do it if you just allow it to execute what it can do. But when you start putting in a whole bunch of suggestions of, well, maybe I'm not good enough or maybe this person won't like me or something's going to go wrong and they're going to hate me, then you start throwing it all off because then it starts to get concerned that there is a problem, but there's never been a problem. You just created them.

Absolutely. And, you know, one of the interesting things, I mainly work with people who have actually achieved, probably like yourself as well, but they're people who are frustrated because they've achieved a lot in the way of material success and goals, but they have a lot of stress and problems and they get to the point of saying, well, is this all there is? And okay, you know, I've got plenty of money and I've got all the outside things, but why do I still have this. This pain in my. Within me that there's something I'm missing, that the thing that I'm really chasing after, but I can't seem to find it, which is inner peace, a feeling that I really am confident in doing what I'm supposed to be doing and excuse me. And I think that what I show to people is to get to that place, an awareness of who you really are, you have to do what it says in the Bible. You have. And, you know, I was brought up as religious. I don't practice as a Christian anymore. But there's so much the bright. The Bible, I think, is the best manual on how to use your brain that exists because it says more than 360 times in the Bible, be not afraid. Have faith, trust, believe. And I think what it's really saying is not so much believe in something way out there, but believe in this infinite intelligence you've got that's part of your biological makeup that's designed to make you the best that you can be, give you a life without problems. That's what you need to learn about and have trust in. And once you start to know that and allow that part to start working and you see what shows up in your life, that's when things snowball and that's when you go, why did I struggle and try so hard? Why did I fight against things? You know, this is. This is a much more enjoyable life to live. And maybe what the Bible says is about, do not worry about tomorrow. Maybe there's something in that. Or, you know, do not worry about what you shall eat, drink, or where it will all be provided. Once you see that start to happen and you realize it's your brain at work, bringing everything you need for you to have the greatest chance for survival by being the best that you can be, then your job is really just to work with that machine rather than, you know, fight against it with all your expectations and struggles and trying to sort out problems and, you know, it's a much more fun way to live. And like my sailing experience, you know, I would never in my wildest thoughts thought, I'm going to spend eight years traveling around Europe sailing on boats. But so many things have happened to me all along to make me realize that there's a different goals list out there, not the one I've been trying to figure out through my fears and, you know, worries about what had to happen for me to be happy. But there's another infinite part of my brain that knows all the answers about. About what I really want, what I really need, who I really am. And that's the part that needs to take control. It's not. And it's nothing to do with my limited thoughts. And actually, sailing is a really good way to learn that because every day my part and I You know, very often we didn't stay anywhere particularly long. We just go where we felt like going. And so you'd get up in the morning and we'd go, where are we going to go today? Should we go to the next port? Should we stay here? What's the weather like? What is the wind like? And you very much learn to make a decision based on what's just happened. You know, it's. And not to make 10 decisions in a row because you don't know what's going to happen in step number six. All you really know is what's going to happen in step number one. The next thing you do, and your brain knows all the steps, and it will show you one at a time what those steps are. And when you realize that, you do have a lot more confidence. And when things don't go according to plan, you don't say, well, that's a mistake. That's terrible. You realize, well, there must be a reason why that, a good reason why it didn't go the way I thought it should. And life becomes a lot more fun that way. And the people I've been helping to get over, their frustration about. All of their frustration is about things aren't happening the way they think they should happen. You know, they set themselves a goal. I will be happy when I get that. And they don't get that or that doesn't. They don't get it easily. So they're frustrated rather than saying, well, my brain, maybe my brain's got this wonderful path that goes all like this rather than like that. And maybe that's where I'm supposed to be, which I think we. It is.

It is. Again, sailing is probably a great example. I use sports as an example as well, is that you can have a plan. I think it was. Mike Tyson says, everybody has a plan until you get punched in the face.

Right.

And then the plan changes really quick.

Yeah.

So you have to learn how to do that as opposed to shutting down. It's just an alternative. So hockey was my big sport. I mean, tennis was another big sport. Well, you could have a plan of how to sort of how you're going to attack this person or play against them. But all they have, if they. If you predict that this is the way the match is going to go, you go from planning to predicting you're in trouble. Because all of a sudden it's like, well, I had this great prediction of that if I attacked his forehand. His forehand, you know, doesn't hold up under pressure. And all Of a sudden, he's blasting balls by you down the line, and you're like, well, I didn't predict that would happen. So you need to adapt and need to change your plan. But that's where people get stuck and they start to think there's something wrong, when it's just a matter of just going with the flow, right? And just allowing yourself to accept whatever is happening is happening. And I was able, always able to do that all my life because I didn't have the trauma. So it was very easy for me to have that resilience and bounce back. And I think also being taught to not be afraid to lose was pretty good. Now I hate to lose. So it's not like I like losing. Right. My wife says that all the time. She goes, wow, you're just so competitive.

Yeah, I'm very competitive. Right. But if I've learned something from the loss, I'm fine with it. Right. What I don't like is when I make a mistake or I do something that I know I could have done better. But that's all part of the learning process. So I know you do a lot of work with couples, so tell us a little bit more about what you're doing with couples. That's really helping them.

Well, actually, when I. A few years back, when I thought, what am I going to do to rebuild my life? I stumbled into marriage and relationship coaching primarily. Actually, not so much with couples, but with individuals, either the husband or the wife in a marriage who've been told by their spouse that they want a divorce, they want a separation. And so people in that situation who don't want a divorce, a separation, they're the people I help. And really, it comes down to understanding about yourself, because if you want to be. Have a great relationship with somebody, it's about you have to be the person they would want to have a great relationship with. And if you go off track in your marriage or your relationship, you have to look at yourself and say, well, if my husband and my wife don't want to be with me, or if we're having problems, you know, am I acting in the same way that I was when we first got together, when they thought I was the best thing since sliced bread or whatever it is, right? And people realize. And the big difference, because again, I got frustrated with, as I said earlier, why weren't people doing what I was telling them to do? Because I'd say, go back to being the person you were, but the person you were. The big difference was then you didn't have any fear or stress about the relationship, you looked at this other person, you thought, wow, I think you're the most wonderful person in the world and I'm just loving being with you. But you weren't afraid. You weren't thinking to yourself, this has to work. You know, this relationship has to work because if it doesn't, I'll never find anyone better or I'll live with the regret for the rest of my life. Or if we have children, they'll be really harmed if we split up. You weren't thinking any of those things. You're just enjoying the moment, being yourself and not worried about anything, about making mistakes. But the moment you start worrying about things and that which comes later along, and it comes with expectation. You know, this has to be. And if we have problems, we have to fix them. And I have to. I made the commitment to this relationship, and it has. It must work out. Once you start doing all of those things, use a different part of your brain and you act in a different way based on your fears of failure, if you like. And you don't become that attractive person, you're not no longer that attractive person. Because when you're with somebody, they don't want to feel that you're with them because you have. Because they're terrified of you leaving. You know, very often people, when their marriage is.

In trouble, one or. One or others starts pleading with the other, please, let's. Let's fix this. And I'm committed to saving our marriage because I love you and all these sorts of things. But they're focusing on the problems. They're not focusing on the energy around what a good relationship looks like. But to do that, to stop focusing on your problems, you need to get a state into a state internally where you have no fear about what the future might mean for you, whether that relationship survives or not. Because that's the only way you can be the sort of. It's the only way you can really be your best self so that the other person, if they're right for you and if the marriage is still right for you, they might change their mind and go, oh, you know, I'd forgotten what a great person they were. They're being their old self, the person I fell in love with. Maybe I'm making a mistake. But to do that, it's a big challenge if you've got fears about what that. Because you literally have to let go of that relationship if you want to, if you want to heal it. And sometimes it happens, and other times it Doesn't. But, you know, there's also nothing worse than when somebody can't see that they're in the wrong relationship. And they've been there for some people I've spoken to and helped. You know, they've been together in their marriage for 20 or 30 years and it's not a good relationship. It never has been. It's full of problems. They're just not compatible. But they're terrified to leave. So they justify staying and they try harder and harder to make it, make it work, and it just never does. Rather than realizing that if they allow their brain this machine that is designed to make them the best, that they can be given the best life possible, stop trying to fight it and allow it. It to do its job and see where it goes and just play your. Your part in that. You might end up either healing your marriage or you might end up with somebody else who's much better. And the number of people who contact me a few months or sometimes years later and say, you know, Liam, thank you for helping me get over all those fears I had, because I did, I could see it was the wrong relationship. I ended it. And now I'm with someone much better. I've never been so happy. And I keep thinking, why did I hang on for so long? So this isn't just about marriage. This is everything. We're all. Many people are hanging on to something, trying to make it work rather than saying, well, you know, maybe I'm not supposed to be there to make $100 million a year, even though now, because now I'm. Now I'm making 50 million a year. But I'll never be, I won't be happy until I make 100 million. Maybe I'm not supposed to make 100 million. Maybe I'm NOT supposed to be in this job. Maybe I'm not supposed to be doing this thing that I'm doing. Maybe there's something much better out there and I'm just blocking myself from getting it. And the only thing blocking the person from allowing their brain to bring all the good stuff to them is fear. Fear of the, of the future and the unknown. Which is completely illogical when you've got a machine that says I know exactly what you need and want to be the best that you can be because I'm trying to make you survive longest time possible. Which means you've got to be happy. You've got to have. Be doing the things you're supposed to be doing. And if you can't see that doesn't Mean, it's not there and it's probably something completely different to what you're doing now. Because as I say, I never thought I'd be sailing on a boat for eight years, but my brain obviously knew what I needed to be happy. I never thought I'd end up in Bulgaria, but it's actually a really nice place. Right? All these things. Yeah.

Well, I love it. I love the story. Now, you also talk about let. Let yourself off the hook. So tell me what that means or how you explain that.

Well, letting yourself off the hook really is a summary of what I've been saying about instead of trying to manage your life with force and struggle and trying to make things happen, instead of doing that, because all that does is keep you stuck. Because the part of your brain that you're using when you're stressed and frustrated, it has a very limited perspective. And all it can really do, it's sometimes called a fight or flight with, you know, you know, all this sort of thing. I'm sure you talk about a lot as well. But, but when you, when you're stuck, you can't sit. Your brain is not able to bring you all of the possibilities. So instead of staying stuck there and you let yourself off, off the hook and say, I'm not going to try and force and figure out and analyze everything and gather more information and struggle and justify and try and be a positive thinker when I'm not, I'm going to discover and allow a different part of my brain to take over. And this is the part that is actually in harmony with infinite intelligence and our biological intelligence which knows what you want. So when you let yourself off the hook, you take all that pressure off yourself and understand how to use this other part of your brain, everything that you need. Literally, like I said earlier, it felt like success was chasing me. This is what it feels like. Everything that you need to live the best life possible is going to start showing up in your life and you act on it. And that's when you turn around and you say, how did that happen? How did I meet that person? Where did that come from? Where did that idea come from? Where did that business opportunity come from? And that's when your life works out perfectly and you realize that's the way we're supposed to live. Because the irony is all of the significant things that happen in your life, I never. You've never written them down on a goals list, really. They're just the things that show up, you know, the person that you meet that you end up marrying you didn't write down the day before, I'm going to meet somebody at 9 o' clock tomorrow morning. This is what they're going to look like. Even, you know, you mentioned sport a lot, I'm sure people who are great sports people, if you ask them, did you intend to be a basketball player when you were a smaller child? And they probably said, well, not really, or I didn't know that the success I was going to have, it just sort of happened, you know, it doesn't mean he didn't put any effort in, of course he did. But it just sort of happened that I'm playing basketball and I'm not a brain surgeon or, you know, how, how is it that these things happen? So that's what letting yourself off the hook is learning to use this other part of your brain, the natural part, which is also the problem, problem solving part of your brain. Because when you've got clarity of thinking, that's when you can take the right action to really solve problems rather than getting frustrated and struggling and trying everything that doesn't work. And that was my life for so many years was the struggle and doing all these wrong things and going, oh, why did I do that? And having to clean up all the mess. So that's the long explanation of what letting yourself off the hook is.

No, I like it. Again, I talk about that as well. I use sports because sports is such a great teacher for me. But that's the flow state, right? So when you get into that flow state, everything just sort of works out and yet flow is more relaxed than you've ever been, right? So if somebody's got, you know, a lot of stress, they're going to be in a very high beta brainwave state, right? Which is then going to bring in way more information than you need and the mind is going to get stressed out over it. But when you get into that flow state, you're in this very relaxed focus state. That's when we perform at our highest levels, you know. And I wanted to share one story, which I thought, again, getting into the couples, I had a gentleman who I'd known, he fell in love with this one lady and like this was supposed to be the love of his life and he was just obsessed with her. And she was more of a friend with benefits kind of a person, right? She liked being around him, but he stressed out so much that he was really affecting the relationship. And he kept on saying, you know, I don't understand what am I doing wrong? You know, I do everything that she wants. Well, she was enjoying that. What she wasn't enjoying was the pressure. And he goes, he says, so then he's going through this, and then he says to me one day, he says, he's. I've made a decision. He says, I've decided that the reason the relationship is not working is there's something wrong with me. It's my fault.

She.

She's perfect, right? I can't put any blame on her. It's my fault. So I said to him, I said, let me ask you a question. Why would you think it's anybody's fault? And I said, so let me explain it this way. I said, if you're a CD rom, this is back when we had CD roms. If you were a CD ROM and she was a Blu Ray disc player and you put the CD ROM into the blue jet Blu Ray disc player and it didn't play, who. What engineers do you blame? Do you blame the engineers that design the CD ROM or do you blame the engineers that design the Blu Ray disc? You don't blame either, right? They're perfectly designed. They're just not compatible. It doesn't mean anybody's doing anything wrong, right? She'll find a Blu Ray disc, you'll find a CD ROM player. I says, and when you do that, it'll all work. You're just trying to make something work that wouldn't work because it's not compatible. That really resonated with them for sure.

Because I think the great point about that, and I find this all the time as well, is we really do make life far too hard for ourselves. It's not supposed to be difficult, you know, doesn't mean we don't put in effort. But if you look at nature and if you really think about it, the least amount of energy that you can expend for the greatest benefit is what we're all designed to have. We're not designed to struggle. We're designed to be in the flow, as you say, because when you struggle, you weaken yourself physically as well as mentally and emotionally. It's not natural to struggle. And in fact, if you. One of the laws of nature is the law of least resistance. My yacht. Every now and then we'd be sailing along, and after a little while, maybe a year, there'd be stuff growing underneath the hull and it would slow the boat down. So we'd have to pull the boat out of the water and get all of this stuff scrubbed off the bottom so that it was smooth again. And then the boat would Go faster. And the less stuff we had under the bottom of the boat, the faster the boat went. So that's the same with us. The less struggle and.

Stuff we put in our minds to stop things from flowing, the slower we're going to go in terms of getting to where we were supposed to go. But, but you know that gentleman you were talking about? I mean, what would stop him from just thinking, well, hey, it's just not working, so what's the problem with that? It's just not working. Maybe it means that someone far better around the corner and this is just a learning experience. You know, we often do this with a job, people in their job. I say to people when they're struggling with their marriage.

If you had more than one job in your life, Ah, yes, well, why did you leave the job that you had? Well, I tried my best, but it just wasn't the right job for me. It was when I took it on, but it turned out in the end that it wasn't because I changed and things changed. So. And I, and I said, well, do you, Were you a failure for going, finding another job and leaving that job? No, it's just the way it is. So with relationships and some of these other things, we attach so much fear about having to make them work that we miss the point that maybe they're just a step in the journey. Everything is a step in our life that our brain is bringing us to teach us that we're either on the wrong track, we're not on the rock, on the on, we're either on the wrong track or on the right track. But either way, the only way to get on the right track is to let your brain actually show you what the track is, rather than you trying to figure it out and get all stressed and use that limited part of your brain that only knows how to react and only knows how to say, well, the only answer is, I need more information and I need to be stronger, I need to be more determined, I need to pray harder. You know, all of those things, it's just not natural. And that's why people stay stuck.

Well, it's funny because one of the, again, sports is my big great teacher. When I was, I think 16, we were playing in a game, it was a playoff game. The team that won went to the finals, to the championship. So we were tied one one and there was three seconds left in the game and we had, I don't know much about hockey, but there was a face off in their end. So our coach calls a timeout he brings the team over and I was really good at winning face offs, so I could. I won the majority of the face offs. So he said, okay, here's the plan. We're going to pull our goalie so we have an extra attacker. There's no way they can score a goal in three seconds right from that distance. So he says, we'll have the extra attacker. And then he goes. And so he says to me, he says, so, Don, you get the win, the draw, get it back to one of the guys, we take one big shot on net and see if we can score. So that was the plan. It was all drawn up and our coach was very, very strict on following what he told you to do. And so I get up there and I realized they know what the plan. The other team saw what our plan was. So they had lined up all their people, right, to go straight at the guys who were going to get one of the guys who would maybe get a shot off. And I said, nobody's defending the goal. They're all going to move in one direction because they all think, right what we're going to do. And so in my mind, I said, I'm going to knock the puck forward, right? And then it's just me and the goalie. And so sure enough, the face off comes, all their guys go back, I go forward with the puck, right? And I score the goal. And so obviously everybody's thrilled and excited. And then after the game, the coach said to me, he goes, you are really lucky you scored that goal because that's not what I drew up. But the idea was if you don't and if you're afraid to make a change, right? I knew that this was the right play, right? And had the coach known that that was going to happen, right. We didn't have time to consult because by the time we go out there, then we see the formation. I don't have time to say time. Can we switch the plan? I had to not be afraid to make the change, right? And that's what people just what you're talking about, afraid to make a change, right? But if you have that trust in your skill. I knew my skill. I'm going to win 9 out of 10 face offs and if I lose this face off, they're not going to score. What do I have to lose except my coach yelling at me?

And, and the other thing, of course, about that experience is because you, you didn't have any fear about it, your brain was able to show you the right thing to do, you know, you didn't have to strike. You didn't have. If you'd got all stressed and thought, oh, what I have to make this work, you, you wouldn't have seen, had the insight that's the right thing to do and you wouldn't have done it. So, again, this other part of the brain, you know, there's another sportsman, do you know, know the game snooker? It's more of a British sport. Yep. But, you know, the greatest player in the world, Ronnie o', Sullivan, an Englishman, I enjoy watching him from time to time, but I remember him saying he plays his best when he's not trying to win, when he's not worried about winning. He just, he says, I can't remember his exact expression, but it's basically, I'll just go for it, you know, and not. Not think. He stopped, literally stopped thinking about it. And he goes into that flow state. He didn't describe it as that, but, but this is the thing about everything in our life. But it's, it's in some ways the most difficult thing to do is to, to actually go across that threshold of trusting and allowing this part of your brain, because it's very different to, to being. It's a different feeling of being in control of, of what you're doing. It's. There's another part of you that's in control. And when you allow that, it's a much more, you know, inflow situation. But that's where all the best results come from. It's not from struggling and trying to figure it out. You know, we see this, and same with the arts. You know, the greatest composers of music have often said, you know, where did that music come from? I don't know where it came from. I just heard it and I wrote it down. So it didn't come from trying to figure it out and trying to, you know, read 20 books or analyze things or sit down and say, now I need to try and figure out something. It just showed up. That's the natural part of success that our brain is trying to bring to us all the time.

And our brain is brilliant. It's, it's designed to heal and it's designed to keep us alive. And I always say to people, you can train your brain to do whatever you want. Your brain is just a computer. So if you type keystrokes into your computer, at no point is your computer going to say, stop typing that. It's just going to accept the keystrokes. So if you put in your mind, you're not good enough, you're not fast enough. You're not. Whatever. It'll accept the keystrokes and figure out a way to follow that what you believe is the best for you, but it doesn't mean it is. If you would just trust that your brain will keep you on the right path. And again, I'll use another story of a golfer. I was. He's a pro golfer, and I'm out on the. The golf course with him, and we're playing. We're on the 11th hole, and I'm getting ready to make a putt. And just as I'm getting ready to make the putt, he stops me. He goes, doc, he goes, what do you think about when you putt?

I back off the putt right away. And I said, oh, please don't tell me you're thinking when you putt. The thinking takes place before you putt. You say, okay, it's an uphill pot. It's gonna break about 2 inches to the left, right? The grain is going to push it another inch. So I got to go about three inches. That's when your thinking takes place. Once you've set your plan, trust your plan. But if I get over the ball and I start thinking, well, even though it's uphill, I don't want to come up short, right? And I certainly don't want to overread it, because if I go too far out to the right, it could break down the other. I'm dead. As I said to him, I said, you're dead if you start thinking after you've already made the call of what you're going to do. Trust your brain. Your brain now has the plan, and it'll follow the plan. And a lot of times people will say they go up with a plan, but their eyes actually in their brain, see it differently. And it's amazing how many times the brain will make an adjustment and are right more than now. When they get to that really high, high level, they're so good at it that their brain is pretty much right in line with what they're thinking. But if they're not. So the average person, the average golfer who's overthinks, the guys who are the best in the world, they just trust it.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, We. We really have no concept. If we knew how amazing our brain was, we'd spend our life just trying to understand it and do nothing else. And ironically, that's all we need to do, because every. It's like it says in the Bible, seek first the kingdom of heaven and everything else. Will be added. You know, seek first to feel good, because the Bible also says the kingdom of heaven is within you. In other words, it's, it's how you feel and it's your mental and emotional state. So when you work on getting that right, everything else is going to fall into place because you're unlocking this, what I call the creative brain. The part of the brain that brings all of the good things that you're supposed to have to you. You allow it to do its work. So you don't need to put all the effort and struggle, just like you didn't put any effort and struggle into finding the right person that you married. They showed up. Or finding the career that you're on. It sort of showed up as well. You know, even, even us talking. I mean, where did that come from? We didn't know each other until recently. So I, I'm sorry, I apologize now when I say you weren't on my goals list.

Well, why not? What happened? What'd you do wrong? Either you did something wrong or I did something wrong then, right?

Not really, no.

Right. Yeah.

It just happened. Yeah. And we need to trust that the right thing is going to happen. You know, one way. I, I've been doing a bit of research into this whole thing about DNA and the thing I'm convinced about that seems to be true is that DNA is like a blueprint for who we are. So our brain's job, to make us the best that we can be so that we have the greatest chance for survival, is really about expressing what is in our DNA because, because that is who we are. So. But we don't know all of the things about us that are in our DNA, you know, but our brain does because its job is to, to manage, to make that real, is to make that the best it can be. So once we, we realize that instead of us trying to figure out even what we should be doing with our life. You know, this is when I talk to people who are very successful and they're still not happy. I'm saying, well, stop trying to figure out what you think you need to be happy and start trusting and allowing it to unfold. And you might end up, and very often it happens, you might end up doing something completely different. I mean, the number of people who are really high powered, stressed, super successful CEOs or, you know, have their own business or whatever, and they end up going and, and becoming a hippie on the beach and, you know, studying meditation, going through a midlife crisis if you like, but they're much happier doing this. And it's like, well, that's success. Success is being happy. That's you're biologically being your best. So you couldn't see that happening while you were the stress CEO. But it end up ended up happening and it ended up being the best thing that you say that ever happened to you. So why not just allow things to unfold rather than trying to think in advance about what has to happen? You don't know. You can't know. The part of your brain that wants to know what's going to happen can't know that you've got to allow something else to take. Take its place. And it's a far more satisfying way to live life. And I think it's biologically in every other way, it's the natural way to live life. We're not supposed to have stress and struggle.

No. What's interesting, when you talked about DNA, I just wrote my fourth book. I know you have 20, which boggles my mind because I know how hard for. So that's pretty incredible. But my fourth book I called Don't Mess with My DNA.

All right.

Really for parents, right, Is that you can affect the way your child's DNA is read and transcribed. And so but the good news is, is you can affect it one way, but you can also fix it. DNA is not permanent, so if you make corrections, you'll actually. And that's the epigenetics of it. So when we can get trauma resolved, that trauma is not going to pass into the next generation. But if it's unresolved, it's going to pass into the DNA. So I talk about that and how we can actually affect it. So the idea is to get parents to understand, don't mess with your child's DNA. And here's how to be the best parent you can be.

And is it published?

It's just coming out. In fact, my publisher, it was in New Zealand, he just moved to Australia two weeks ago.

That's a shame.

Yeah. So it's coming out probably. It was supposed to be July 27, but the move was a lot more complicated. So I think it's probably going to be sometime mid August.

It'll be out.

For it. Definitely. Yeah. It's a shame to move to Australia. It's, you know, New Zealand's much better. That's right.

Yep. I don't know what his move was for, but he definitely great guy, so I really enjoy working with him, but. But this has been an absolute pleasure and I know we've probably gone, you know, past our time. So I appreciate all your time and. And sharing your wisdom. It's very fascinating. So I can see why you're successful at what you do. And congratulations on all your success and enjoying your life.

Thank you, Dawn. And likewise. And if you ever want to go sailing, let me know.

Sounds good.

Awesome.

Well, very good. So is there anything that you want to share? Do you have anything new coming up that you want to talk to people about or to get the message out?

Well, I do have a free course on my website, which is how to unlock your success brain. So if people were interested in maybe learning a bit more about using this different part of your brain to allow your life to unfold in the way it's supposed to, maybe they could check that out on my website.

And my website's just my name, liamnaden.com awesome.

So I encourage anybody listening to check that out. You've got a lot of great advice so people can learn a lot from you. So again, thank you so much and thanking everyone for listening to another episode of you must be out of your mind. And there it is.