42: Silencing the Brain Bully & Embracing Vulnerability with Lynn Smith

Welcome to my podcast called you Must Be out of youf Mind. My name is Dr. Don Wood. Everyone has experienced some trauma at times during their life. These traumatic events and experiences create a significant impact on how your mind works on a day to day basis. At the same time creates long term effects on your emotional and physical health. It will interfere with your ability to stay present and in the moment. After years of research, I used my knowledge of neuroscience to create what I call a memory reset. This memory reset reduces and eliminates the impact of the trauma and allows you to experience peace and clarity. My podcast will share many stories of people experiencing similar symptoms to you and how their lives have been positively impacted by our TIP program. I can't wait to share with you how the impossible is possible and why you must be out of your mind. And there it is.

Welcome to another episode of youf Must Be out of youf mind. I'm Dr. Don Wood and I always bring on amazing guests and I have this incredible guest. I was so excited to get you on the show. This is Lynn Smith and Lynn is a very well known personality. You probably even recognize her and who she is. Well, obviously we've gotten to know each other a little bit, but I wanted to sort of share a little bit of the public sphere. People who are listening to the show about, you know, you know, obviously you've been in the media world for a long time, very, very successful in that area. But tell us a little bit about what you did, your progression in that world of media.

Yeah, I mean I spent 15 years as a news anchor and as many of us have seen, journalism's changed and I, I sort of felt that my role in journalism, I didn't want to change. I wanted to be able to still be, you know, a leader of truth and being able to get the facts and being able to tell a really great story. And so I decided to start my own company and help individ to get out there in the media to get their stories heard. Because important stories are not being paid attention to right now in the way that they need to be. So if I can be any small sliver of a help in getting some of those stories out there, that's the way my purpose has shifted. So it's been a transformation, but also has required a new skill set. And obviously some of the things. This is why I'm really excited about this conversation. What it is that you do with the Inspired Performance Institute, you help people to operate at their highest potential because all of the other things that's holding you back, start falling away. And that's some of the things I'm excited to share with today.

Well, I love that. And I've. I've met some of the people that you're doing media training with, and they're incredible people and they love you. They talk so highly of what you do and how you help them. But the background and experience that you have is incredible. And what I really like about it is how vulnerable you are. And I think that's the key to why they feel safe with you, is that you've shared some of the things that you struggled with, because people go, well, high functioning people don't have problems. And so. But you dealt with some things. Can you share a little bit about what you dealt with and what you learned from your experience?

Yeah. And I teach this now. Vulnerability equals connection. Connection is how we become great communicators. And so when I'm training someone to show up and be great on camera and be confident, it's because they're able to connect with that face and that person on the other side of the camera lens. And you can do that without being vulnerable. And so some of the things that I worked into my teachings were the struggles that I had early on in my career when I was told I would never make it in television because I was so terrible, which was partially true. You have to learn this skill. I had to learn how to be good on camera, but I was told I was never good enough, told I was too fat, too thin, needed to wear glasses to look smart. I then, in this phase in my career, had to do more public speaking. And spoiler alert, I was terrified of public speaking. And I actually had what I think was a version of a panic attack during a keynote, which I'd never had one before, but it really forced me to look at what I realized was a total weakness. It just wasn't something I was good at. And instead of letting it stop me from that being a part of my business, I hired a keynote coach. I did some of the trainings that I did with you. And you overcome the things that hold you back in order to become the greatest communicator, the greatest keynote speaker, or just more optimized performance in your career.

What's amazing, because I think that vulnerability, like you said, is so important, and I think that's what helps you so much to be successful with your clients. I think it's what works on the inspired performance program because I'm also vulnerable about all the things that have gone on for my wife and my daughter and how we dealt with that. And people can connect to that. They go, oh, that sounds like me, right?

Validator.

Yeah. Because they think they're the only ones dealing with it. And so a lot of people show up with this imposter syndrome. It's like what happens if somebody figures me out, figures out that I'm dealing with anxiety. And what they're always shocked about is I work with like world class athletes, you know, some of the people, Major league baseball player, all star, multiple time all star, phenomenal career hall of Famer guy. Right. Who told me about all the anxiety dealt with and all the players, he goes on the bench, he goes, all those guys were dealing with the same thing. You just don't see it because they perform so well. And like what you were doing, so everybody would look at you and go, oh, you couldn't possibly have had that issue. Right. But you can still be a high performer dealing with those same issues. And that's why with the Inspired performance program, we focus on performance. Imagine what happens when you get the things that are interfering with you getting to that next gear out of the way. And that's really what we focus on.

Yeah, that's what I've experienced and just seeing, it's why many of my clients have gone to you as well. So a lot of what you're talking about, especially when it comes to imposter syndrome, what I really coach with my clients is the brain bully. So that brain bully is the voice that's in your head saying you're not good enough. Why would anyone want to hear from you? You're really going to screw this up. You're going to have another panic attack on stage. And when you learn how to tame that brain bully or beat it, that's when you can perform at levels that maybe you don't even know are possible. So anytime I've sent a client your way, it's because I've seen that what it is that's holding them back. That brain bully is way more powerful due to things that are going on in their life that, that I can't solve, that I don't have the Dr. Lynn Smith in front to solve. And it, it's two parts. It's, it's having the skill and getting the education and the training in order to be that way, but then addressing really deep rooted things that might be the reason that you either lack the confidence or you're afraid to do something, or that rain bully is so powerful.

And it affects so many people and yet they don't want to admit it. Right. Because it's the same thing. If you're an executive, you're the CEO of an organization and you go to HR and tell them, I'm having panic attacks, what's going to happen?

Start the recruitment process.

That's right. You want to start training your replacement.

Yeah. I just had this conversation with somebody who wants their CEO to get media trained. And I told her, I said, you know, the reason I like working with CEOs so much is because they put on the same front. I had to as a news anchor for so long because I had my team. And if I, if I was nervous or panicked in a breaking news situation, my producers would be like, call up the red phone. Like, get her off camera. She is not ready for this. So you have to put on that strong front for all of those people internally. If you can get an external person, and this is a lot of what you serve other people as well, if you can get an external person where they can be their vulnerable self and say, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, I'm afraid of screwing up, I get really nervous and have a version of a panic attack when I go do these things. I need you to help me. And they don't have to worry that they're going to see me in a leadership meeting and then I'm going to judge them or tell hr, hey, I'm worried about Bob or Susie that's out there and having panic attacks in our, in our board meetings. If they can have that external source of a confidant, plus education on how to overcome it. It's the secret sauce for many of these CEOs, because as you point out, I would argue everybody has a brain bully. And if you don't, you're probably a sociopath or a narcissist. It's a human, human nature. It's our brain. And I would love for to kick this back and become the interviewee on this. Our brain, correct me if I'm wrong, is designed to protect us from threats. So it doesn't know if that keynote that we have to go up and perform on is a lion about to kill us. So it operates as if it needs to protect us from that. But I would love your expertise on that particular topic.

Sounds like you've gone through the program.

Lynn.

And now I use it in.

My own programs, but that's exactly it. The mind and the brain is designed to protect you. So if it can prevent you from going into a dangerous situation, it will try to do that. And so that's what it's going to do. So I sometimes use the story of the young guys in high school. They're at the high school dance and he's on one side of the room and the really pretty girl that he wants to ask dance to dance is on the other side. So he's trying to build up the nerve to go. And as he's walking over, you know, his hands are shaking, he doesn't know what he's going to say. And he sees Billy over in the corner and he goes, I should go talk to Billy first. Right? And then he goes over towards Billy because that girl looks like a lion and she's going to rip her, rip his throat out. And so. But if he goes over and talks to Billy, he can delay that a little bit. Now people explain that as, oh, he sabotaged himself. No, you can't sabotage yourself. It's impossible. The brain survival based, it's going to do what it thinks is the best way to protect you. So even though logically we know that that girl probably would have said yes, and she's probably sitting there shaking too, going, I hope he comes over and asks me.

That's the irony.

Yeah. And. But at the same time his mind will try to do whatever it can do to try to protect him and keep him away from danger. That's what we're designed to do. So the only way. So I worked with a gentleman who's actually a veteran who had a lot of post traumatic stress. And he said to me, he goes, I'm just petrified to talk to a woman. I can't do it. He says, I really want to meet somebody. He says, but it's going to be really hard if I can't talk to them. And he said, so what do I do? And I said, okay, I've got a great solution for you. I said, I want you to have a series of what I call inconsequential conversations with women. And what I mean by that is go to the grocery store. Not to try to meet somebody, but to just start talking to women. Doesn't matter if they're 80 years old or 20 years old. Doesn't have to be you're attracted to them. It's just getting ability to start talking to people and especially women. So what you're going to do is you're going to take the defense down that this store isn't full of lions. I could go and talk to them. And I said, but make it so it's not. Don't go up and ask her where do you live? Because she's going to become defensive. But if you say something about where's the produce section in this store? I can't find it. She's going to help you and she's not going to feel threatened. Don't do it in the parking lot because she could feel threatened. But in a bright lit store with lots of people around, it'll get you comfortable and she'll respond to you without feeling threatened. And you're going to start to build up that, oh, that wasn't so bad.

Yeah. And it's taking those small steps. I actually just recorded a social video for people that feel paralyzed when pressing record because they don't feel confident on camera. Just for 30 minutes every day, practice 30 second videos and you don't have to put them anywhere. But you feel what it feels like to overcome that limiting belief that you can't do something. And it's the same principle of if you just take that one step and you say see it differently than you're not viewing, that camera lens is lying and you're. It gave me a great sense of relief when I reframed my thoughts and, and realized that it's biology. It's not a flaw. It's the way our. It's where we're designed. And it takes a huge amount of pressure off of people. That one, you're not alone. But two, our bodies are actually and our brains are doing exactly what it was designed to do.

And 95% of your brain is survival based. Right. And so if there's a survival threat, it will default to survival mode. And then survival mode is cautious. And that's why people have trouble breaking habits and behaviors. Because if you've done something the same way a long time and you're alive and then all of a sudden you say, okay, I'm going to actually get out of my comfort zone and I'm going to go up and I'm going to go talk to Lynn and I'm going to be on camera. Your mind will go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We've never done that before. How do we know that that's not. Lynn's not going to post our mistakes all over the Internet. But that's the way the mind will exaggerate the problem that could occur and then it's going to try to protect you from that. So the idea just. That's a great suggestion. Just start getting yourself on camera and looking at yourself and then you'll start seeing. I really did better on that 10th one than I did on the first one. And then the mind starts to feel safe. The whole key is to develop safety. And so anything you don't know is unsafe. That's the immediate default. And not being afraid to be vulnerable is a great one, which is what you learned as well. The best advice I ever got was, and I've told that story before, I wrote in my book about the tennis pro who told me, you really want to be a great tennis player. Now I'm 13 at this point. So he tells me, I'm going to tell you the secret. And I'm at 13, you think, oh, there's a secret. I knew it, I'm going to be great now. And he said to me, he looks around to make sure. No, I mean, he really played it up. He goes, he looks around, make sure no one's listening on this secret. He's going to tell me. And he whispers, lose a lot. And I was like, I don't understand what you mean. What do you mean, lose a lot? He said, well, you're playing in the 13, 14 year old divisions. You can win in those divisions. He says, I want you to play in the 15, 16, 17, 18 year old divisions. He said, they're bigger, they're stronger, they're going to beat you. But you've never seen that speed before. But you're such a good athlete that if you see it, you'll start adjusting to it and then you'll be able. But you're going to have to pay the price of losing a lot to do that. What amazing advice at 13 to get that really was a secret.

It is amazing advice. And I really, it's baffled me for all of the major success stories that reiterate either on social media or in speeches, Fail, fail more. The more you fail, the closer you are to success. And I say that too. I get excited when I fail because it means that I'm one step closer to success. I've learned how to turn failure into fuel. But it surprised me how many times I ask every client this one question after a process that we go through. And I said, what are you afraid of? Whether they're going on CNBC or going on stage, what are you afraid of? And the answer a hundred percent of the time, or 99.9% of the time, is a version of a fear of failure. Why are we stuck in that fear of failure when in reality it's what gets us to our successes? It's almost the essential secret sauce. And it goes to that 95% of your brain is survival based. It's biology. So if we're able to recognize that, acknowledge it and do what we're afraid of, in spite of, now that we're armed with that information, that's when I think the people are able to break through that barrier. Because so many people are still haunted by their fears. Even though they have everyone from Michael Jordan to Brene Brown to, you know, J.K. rowling saying, I was rejected all of these times, I lost more games than I want, but we're still stuck in it. Why is that? And I think it's to your point, it's because enough people haven't gone through the program.

Well, it's also too, it's, it's the way we were brought up. So think about this. What will we encourage as children to do when succeed? When do you get recognition and admiration? When you win and you succeed. Oh, great drawing. Way to go. You did this really well. Oh my gosh, look how good you're riding your bike. Right? When they fall, we run over and go, oh, what's wrong? What's wrong? Right? So if we actually started to acknowledge and this is what this pro did for me, without realizing, I'm sure he realized it, but without me realizing it, he was teaching me it's okay to fail. And what he set in my mind, which was so brilliant, is that's how you get to where you want to be and you're going to have to lose a lot. And the thing that he added to that was be humble, don't get mad, they're supposed to beat you, they're bigger and stronger. He says, so be humble. And after the match ask him if they'll sit down and talk to you for five minutes. And he says, and what did you see them do that you admired? Like their backhand, their serve, whatever it was. He says, ask them if they could show you how to do that. And he says, and they will pour knowledge into you. But if you're stomping around and getting mad and you got this 18 year old kid playing against his 14 year old kid who's being this arrogant little jerk, he's not going to want to help you. But if he comes and if you show him afterwards, just say, I learned so much playing against you today. I just love, I mean every time you just blew past me with that backhand, how do you do that? I would love to learn that he'll spend an hour with you, right? And that's what I did. And so I was learning that every single loss was actually knowledge. And I think that was the great part about it. And then, as you know, my background in my childhood, I've got parents that are actually doing the same thing. They obviously rewarded success, but they never punished failure. And so when I would make a mistake, right, it was never like, you know, oh, you're so stupid. Why did you do that? What were you thinking? I give the story about when I was 12, I wanted to play hockey in the driveway. My dad's car was in the middle of the driveway. So I thought, I'm 12, no problem. I'll just get the key and I'll just back it up, right? It's not a big deal. Just going to go straight back. I'm not driving anywhere. I don't know. It's a standard. So it's in gear. So I just get in, but I leave the door open and I turn the key and boom, it jumps back. The door catches on the fire, the chimney from the house next to us, and bends the door. And what I remember about that was I was obviously upset that it happened, but I wasn't afraid to go to my dad and tell him what I had just done, because I knew I wasn't going to get beaten, I wasn't going to get yelled at. And so he said to me, he said, are you okay? That's the first thing he said. Are you okay? I went, yeah, I'm fine. He goes, okay, let's go look at it. And so he goes, well, he goes, yeah. He goes, it's a standard. So he sits me in the car and says, here's what happened. It's in gear. You can't turn the key because it's going to. It's still in gear. He gave me a lesson on what a standard does. And then my punishment, which it didn't even feel like a punishment, he said, so what we're going to do is. He says, you're going to have to come with me. We're going to go to the store, we're going to get the parts, and you have to sit with me while I fix it.

Yeah.

What a lesson.

What a lesson. You know, it's so amazing to me when people dig in to what it is that they're. What's holding them back or what they're afraid of. It all is rooted in your childhood and those lessons versus the trauma that you encounter by not going the way that you have encountered. And that's why you're able to deliver this program, because you've seen that euphoria of the parents that you had, that's what I was struck most by is why. Why is Dr. Wood the one able to figure this out? So you were able to see what it is versus many of us experience various levels of trauma, like how you call it big T trauma or little T trauma, but it can impact an individual sometimes very similarly, no matter what that trauma is. And what was really eye opening for me is that it's possible to reboot your brain in what that trauma loop has done previously. And for those that are listening that haven't been through the program, what really resonated for me was that that trauma lives as this high definition memory in your brain. And so your brain doesn't know that it's not happening in this moment. So your body' having the reactions as if it's happening in that moment. So for an executive that might be out there and dismissive of his or her employees, and it can be a trauma response to always feeling like maybe they had a parent that put them down all the time. And until you process that and reboot your brain to say you don't need to dismiss others as a self soother of your own trauma, you see it not existing anymore in your daily habits. And that's what I've experienced, but also numerous clients that I've now had go through the program is that those old sort of things you wish you could shake about you based on trauma from way long ago is possible to shed, which I don't think anyone's really been able to prove is possible. Which is what I think is so incredibly groundbreaking about what you do.

The thing that we're loving with the studies that we're doing, we even showed that that in brain plasticity. So when we did the study, we had 15 years of age, up to 63 years of age, dealing with post traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, panic attacks. That was the average of what people were going through. We did a brain map on them before the session and then a brain map after. And what we found is after going through the program, the average amongst that entire group was a 45% change in brain plasticity. Which the guy doing the study with us said if you get 10, you've hit a home run. And so what that means is that when we're in this constant trauma response, the brain doesn't want to learn. It's focused on survival. So I always use this story. I use lions a lot, right? But if you're being chased by a lion, are you going to read a book no, you would not be able to focus even if you tried to read the book when you were running and being chased by a lion, you won't absorb very much. So, but that's the way the mind deals with trauma. So it's not trying to say, oh, we don't want to learn. It's just saying, it's not right. We're not in the right frame. We're not in the right place. This is not the right time. But as long as the trauma keeps running, it never becomes the right time. So you see a lot. I can't tell you how many people, Lynn, I've seen that come in and say, I was never very good in school, Right? And they're brilliant. My wife being the prime example. She said, you know, I really struggle in school. I was like a CB student. She's my best now. She said I could read a page in a book and not remember what I just read. And now, at least once or twice a day, I'm getting research articles from her saying, you got to read this. You got to read this. And she's absorbing it now. Never could do that before. And it wasn't about intelligence. It was about survival. And so she lived in a survival world. And so, like she said to me, she looked at my report cards one time from school, and she goes, wow, school was so easy for you? And I went, well, of course it was easy for me. I'm not worried about what happened to me last night. I'm not worried what's going happen to me when I get home. I said, I could just learn and I could absorb. And I said, that wasn't about intelligence. That was about safety. And I said, you were in flight your entire childhood. I said, you had nowhere to land. Home wasn't safe. Outside wasn't safe. I said, imagine being a bird and not letting the bird rest, right? That bird's going to get exhausted, and it's not going to perform.

And what's. What's really resonating with me, what you're saying is that there's a. In the program, there's a real level of acceptance of that past trauma. Big T or little tree? Little T. That you call it atmospheric conditions could not have been any other way. And so anytime and you see these themes pop up in inspirational speakers, like, don't look back or don't look forward. Live in the present. Well, why is it so hard for us to take this advice? We know it's true, just like we know failure is a fuel, but we can't take that advice because we are stuck in those old limiting beliefs. And when you truly look at what it is that you're. You're teaching, which is those atmospheric conditions of your wife's family and the dynamics and what happened to her, that couldn't have happened a different way. So there's no need to look at the past and say, oh, I wish it could have been this way, or I wish it could have been that way, or what if, you know, that didn't feel that way, that couldn't have happened any other way. And it's such a safe, simple phrase, it couldn't have happened any other way. There's a level of acceptance that comes from that peaceful statement. And once you have that acceptance, then you are able to move on to what it is that the work is. There's, there's important work to be done after that point. But you need that first level of acceptance.

Yeah. Because everybody wants to sort of, they keep going through it in their mind, saying, well, what if I had, like my wife was doing that all the time, she'd say to me, don't you wish we never met that person? Or don't you wish that happened? And because of the way I grew up, that made no sense to me. And I used to just go, why do you want to do this exercise? And she'd go, but think about it, wouldn't it have been better? And I go, but I don't need to think about it because it couldn't. And that's sort of what sort of got me to that point of saying she wasn't doing anything wrong. That was the way her mind was trying to protect her. It was trying to create these new scenarios that would make her feel better. Ah, let's think about this for a second. If I had have done this, and what is that bringing her some relief, even though it couldn't have happened any other way. So some people will use drugs, some people will use alcohol, some people will use all kinds of things to try to feel better, but that was her. She never got into drugs or alcohol, but she was always what if in her life. And that was her little way of relate to. Yep. And so, yeah, she would do it all the time. And I would just go, okay, yeah, yeah, it would have been better if that happened. But it did. But it was easy for me to do that. And so if people are saying those kinds of things, that's where it's all coming from. And as I say to everybody, there's nothing wrong with anybody's Mind, it's doing exactly what it's designed to do. It's just dealing with some faulty intelligence on some old data.

Yeah. And it's kind of bringing up imposter syndrome a little bit. That's why you're asking yourself all those questions. Am I good enough? Will anybody believe me? Am I going to be found out? I'm so curious how you, how do you coach people out of those limiting beliefs? What is the strategy for you of, of that endless mind, like washing machine cycle of thoughts that only get you to a negative place?

The key is to get to the root source because the root is where it came from. So I'll give you an example. A lady, very successful entrepreneur. But she said, I procrastinate. I can't stop procrastinating. I don't know why I procrastinate. I'm still very successful. She says, in my mind, I think I work better under pressure. And I said, no, nobody does. That's what you built in your mind. I'm really good when it gets down into the crunch. And I said, yeah, nobody really works better under pressure. You work better when you're calm. And so I said, so where did this come from? And so what we discovered is that when she was younger, her mother was the principal of the school. So she says, I remember doing my homework. And she said when I finished my homework, I'd hear my mother call me from her office and say, bring your homework in, I'm going to check it. So she'd bring her homework in and you could see it in her face. She goes, that red pen. She'd bring out that red pen and start underlining all my mistakes and I'd have to go correct them. And so what her mind had then really figured out is the longer I can avoid the red pen and nobody can change it. So if I can wait till the last minute, I don't have to make a correction. I go with what I've got.

Yeah.

And that's where it was coming from. But until she identified that, she would never would have figured out. And was her mother trying to hurt her? No, her mother was trying to help her. But how did her mother do it was not the most effective way. And so that's what you do as a teacher, Right. You redline. I remember that as a kid, you know, getting the paper back and it'd be all these like, X's and red.

Pen and like all you see now. Now as the parent of a student, I get his homework, right. And you just see the, the letters A, B, C, D or you see, you know, and it is, it's like you're not even paying attention to what that means. It's just the feeling associated with that.

Yes. And so if you get to that core issue and then you can heal it. So what she sort of got to is that really wasn't true. I wasn't wrong all the time. Right. I was just learning. So we got to the understanding that her mother was trying to help her. The approach may not have been, but that's what teachers do. So that was the way they were trained. So that atmospheric conditions. And then the idea behind it is if you have understanding that that's the way they did it, they weren't trying to hurt you. So we don't have to be okay with it, we just have to understand it that this is the way they responded, this is the way they were taught. And that's in sort of a situation that wasn't attempting to be traumatic, it was actually attempting to benefit the daughter. But you take a young child with no life experience, what are they hearing? I don't get anything right.

I get everything wrong all the time. And there's so many kinds of. I had another example of that with a lady, she was in her 30s and she said she really has a really bad relationship with her mom and even her dad. She says, we really struggled in the relationship. I love them, I know they love me. But she goes, we always sort of had battles. And so she says, I'm pretty sure I know where it came from. And I said, okay, what happened? And she says, well, my parents were going out and they hired a babysitter to watch me. I was 4. We had a baby sister that was 1, and then my older sister was 9. And she says, and he'd never babysat for us before. He was about 18. And they left us with this babysitter. And she says, and he immediately started to go after my 9 year old sister to sexually assault her.

Oh my God.

And threatened that he would throw the baby in the pool if she didn't cooperate. Now this nine year old in her brilliance was able to say, don't do this in front of my sisters. So her one year old and four year old, and now this girl was four, the lady I was talking to. So she says, let me put them away so that they don't see this. And so he agreed. And she got into the bathroom and locked the bathroom door. Now he's pounding on the door, you know, threatening him to open up the Door, open up the door. And she just stayed there with her sisters. Now that's a trauma, right? Right off. So you know, that's a trauma. But you know where the big trauma came from? She says, when my parents got home, she says this guy immediately just sort of like got out of there real quick. She says, we came out, we told my parents and my parents didn't believe us.

Oh my gosh.

That's where the trauma came in. Was that this traumatic event we're trying to tell them? Right. And I said, so you were four, is that right? She goes, yeah. And I said, and all I did was do this. Is it possible as a four year old you didn't get all the details of what they did? She goes, what do you mean? And I said, did he ever babysit for you again? She goes, no. And I said, is it possible that your parents reported it, he got arrested, he confessed to what he did. But they never brought a four year old in to testify. They never interviewed a four year old. Right. And I said, does that line up more with who you think your parents are as opposed to them not caring? She set that four year old memory and that was what was running. My parents didn't protect us. And I said, I said, I don't know, I could be wrong. I said, but is it possible as a four year old you weren't filled in on all the details? Yeah, that had never occurred to us.

Oh my gosh.

Wow. And that really helped heal that because she goes, that's possible. That would line up more with what they may have done. So they actually did protect you from having to sit there through interviews about something so horrendous. But the, but they never talked about it, so there could have been a better way to handle it. But it's possible that they really did protect you. And obviously he never came back.

It's so interesting because it comes. So it's reframing what those memories are to have the, almost the different perspective of what's possible. And you change that narrative enough and that sets a new pattern because that pattern and that vicious cycle has always existed for so long. And so what was her transformation? What, what, how did she respond to that?

She basically said that lined up more in her mind with all the other evidence of how caring her parents were. But that event was the one that set apart that they didn't. And the way she interpreted, they didn't believe me. That's, that's the belief that she had and that created this constant feeling of my parents didn't believe me, which means they didn't protect me. All the meanings that got attached to that, that's where the problem came in. But it didn't mean that at all because there was no other evidence of that. But the four year old locked that belief and memory in and it was in high def.

And so that's what got stuck. And so then when we take a look at that and we say, is it possible? And then we look at it from the possibility, does that line up? Right? Let's just take it like a trial, right? We have this anomaly of this guy who's let his life fall, his life being a great person, never done anything wrong and all of a sudden somebody accuses him of something. Okay, well hold on, let's take a look. Is that in line with what this guy's demonstrated before? You know, that kind of stuff? You've got to look at it that way. There's no pattern of it. And she had to admit, she goes, there was no pattern of my parents being uncaring and not willing to. But that one got stuck, especially as a 4 year old.

And it can get unstuck and that's.

What really did it. She says it definitely improved her relationship with her mother and so she was able to talk to her about it and sort of get a lot more detail, but it definitely then lined up more. Her father had passed away, so she couldn't really talk to him about it, but she was able to sort of heal it with her mom. And we get that a lot. Especially when you have young children who don't have any life experience and they're trying to attach meanings, you know, between the ages of 0 and 7. Their brains are literal, right? They don't have any logic and reason. Right. They don't have any abilities. So when they turn seven, then they start applying what they learned and trying to add in some logic and reason. So after she's 7, all of a sudden she's going, what's logical about this? Right. If I had to reason this out, my parents don't care, that's why that happened. And then they're growing up with that constant threat that they're not safe. And it's so simple when you get the mind into that restorative mindset to start resetting that and we can. And so then your brain bully is going to show up, right? Trying to protect them, right? People don't. The most loving people we've ever met in our entire lives are not there for us. No one's there for Us. So the brain bully starts saying, you can't trust anybody, right? Because look at the most important people in your world failed you, so be careful. And there's where all those insecurities, all those things that come in, and then you start believing them. And like I said, the advantage for me is I really knew this model because it wasn't that I didn't get bumped periodically in life by a teacher, by a coach, you know, by a friend. But as soon as I came home, I came back into safety. I could reset. So my system was automatically resetting all on its own because I had this amazing sense of safety around me. I didn't have to worry about being yelled at for making a mistake or doing something wrong. I was always encouraged, and it was always positive. And if there was a mistake, let's look at the mistake. What did you learn? Let me teach you. Right. I think I told you the one about the mail story.

Yes. Share it, though, for everyone to.

It's such a great story. So I'm six years old. My dad's writing out his bills. And I see him, you know, and I ask him what he's doing. So he thinks this is a great teaching moment. And he shows me how. He takes the electric bill and then asks me to help him. He'd take the check, take the bill, put it in the envelope. I remember the sponge. It was this big round sponge. Seal up the envelope, and here's a stamp. Put the stamp on it, he says, then do me a favor and run it down to the mailbox for me and mail it on the corner. So I run. I still remember this so vividly. I ran full speed right down there, full speed back for my next assignment. Because now I'm so happy I'm working with dad. But he's not sitting there. And I see all the other bills and envelopes. So I just randomly stuff bills into envelopes, seal them up, take the rest of the stamps he has. The only reason I stopped is because I had no more stamps. If he had had a roll of stamps, I mean, this would not have ended. I'd probably still be stamping. So I stamped them all random. I remember trying to stuff them because the slot's only so big and I had such a big pile. I'm trying to push them all through at the same time. And then I come running back, and my dad goes, where are all the other bills and envelopes? And I said, well, I mailed them for you.

And that's what he did. He laughed and he goes, I don't think I explained this very well. And he got it to a six year old. He did not explain it well enough. Right. As opposed to what were you thinking? What's wrong with you? Right. He took responsibility, right. And didn't blame me. I'm six. You know, I had a lady tell me that she did that. She walked by her father's desk. He had the computer hanging over the side of the desk. She bumped it, it fell down, right? And he absolutely went up and down screaming at her. What kind of an idiot are you? Didn't you see the computer? You know, she's like seven years old. Old. She remember sobbing, crying. Tell me that story. Now, the father maybe has a lot of stress in his life, got a lot of stuff going on. So we're not trying to. He could have been a great father in so many ways. Right? But then you have to then apply that understanding of what a child is learning from this experience. And sort of that. That car story sort of applies to. So my son Brandon, right, when he was 15, decided when Bridget and I were out for dinner to take out the car with his friends, right? And slid the car up against a curb, right? Bent the wheel and had one of the older friends that was there tow it back, right? Hired a. I mean, they were like, oh, my God, this is terrible. They tow it back, have it in the driveway. I come in with. With my wife, and as we're walking up the walkway, he comes out, right? And all his friends are inside the house, right? They stayed. They stayed, right? Because they were like, we're gonna stay with you. And so he told me what happened, and I didn't hesitate at all. He'll tell you the story. The first thing I said to him was, what?

Are you okay?

Okay. That was just automatic for me. Are you okay? He goes, yes. I said, is anybody else hurt? He goes, no, I just ran the car up against the curb and I said, okay. We went and looked at it, almost identical. Went and looked at it and said, well, you know, I don't fix cars. So I just said, so you're gonna have to pay for this. This is gonna come out of, you know, you have to earn the money and pay for this. He goes, I understand, right? And he says, even though my dad had never hit me, never yelled at me, he said, I thought this was it. I thought this. I told my friends, you got a steak, because this is gonna be. This may be where he snaps. He tells that story, says, I thought I kept my friends there because I Said he may snap. This may be it. We pushed him.

Yeah. And isn't that amazing? That like the full circle moment of that, you know, this is why I have said to you, you need to start the parenting version of the Inspired Performance Institute.

Yep. That's definitely what we want to do.

It's so hard as parents to know what to do, but the impact of our actions are monumental.

Yes.

And that's a scary and overwhelming responsibility as a parent. And for 90% of us, there's no ill will in the mistakes that we make. And so it's just having the tools and the understanding. And that's why, you know, I think anyone that goes through the program, because you are not as limited with your ability to handle certain situations, you become a better athlete, executive parent. It's really remarkable. It's, it's the performance piece of this, whether or not you're performing as your role as parent or role as CEO. And it's why you've worked with so many professional athletes and high achieving individuals. You're not high achieving because you've never had to been through, be through something hard. It's your high achieving. You've done it in, in spite of. So imagine your potential if you shed some of those other things.

You have another gear. You quiet the brain bully. That's right, the brain bully sits down, says, all right, my job's done.

Yeah. I say, I say what it is we name the brain Bully. We give it a name, and then you say, sit down, watch this, sit down, watch this. Because you take control of the driver's seat, right? Like when, when it's saying to you, you're gonna fail and this is gonna be terrible. And the brain Bully, the reason that we came up with that name was because I was coaching people to become great communicators. And what I realized is the reason that they weren't is because of the narrative that was going on in their mind. And once they could silence that or address it, it's a number of the reason why so many of them have gone to you. Because if they can silence that, they are able to do what I call the bungee jump, which you have your expertise, which is the cord, you have the carabiners, which is all your preparation. And then you jump and the rest catches you and you let go. And that's when the Zen state comes. You're not saying you're not being tripped up because you're not worried about whether or not it's resonating with people or if people believe you or if people trust you, you know what information you're sharing is important and it flows in such a different way. Your energy and your confidence gets to a totally different level as well.

Right. But the key is, it's great that because even before I met you, you had identified the brain bully. Right? So now you have even another context to look at it when you say, you know, we're just going to sit them down once they understand that the brain bully was never there to hurt them, it was there to protect them. Well, Lynne, I promise to get you. I appreciate your time. I know how busy you are. Thank you so much. You do amazing work. Just continue to do the work you're. And I know how many people you've helped and how much they love you. Right. And what you've done for them. So keep up all that great work and I, I look forward. Any other questions? Anything else? If people want to get in touch with you, how do they get in touch with you if they want to learn more about what you do?

And you can go to lynnsmithtv.com but thank you, Doc, for saying those words. I would put that back on you. Of just what you are doing is truly transformational, groundbreaking. There are not enough words to put to it because no one's cracked this nut. And once we are able to do this and once people experience it, imagine the potential and what is truly possible when we are not being held back by what our big T or little T trauma is and we're not living in this endless loop and we are able to see this new way of thinking. It's really amazing what you are doing. So I'm just, just honored to have met you, to have experienced it myself now to be able to have a place, to have people go through your programs because it really is life changing.

Great team.

Yep. That's right. Thanks for having me on the show as well.

Thanks so much. And thanks everybody for listening to another episode of youf Must Be out of youf Mind. There it is.