Dr. Jameca Cooper teaches three scripts for saying no without guilt: delay, swap, and upgrade. Each strategy helps people-pleasers set firm boundaries while maintaining respect, with deeper practice available in her self-care course.
Chapters
That knot that you get in your stomach every time you say yes, that's your soul begging you to set firm boundaries with people. People always feel like, if I set firm boundaries with people, it's gonna make people not like me. They're gonna talk about me. They're going to conclude that I'm mean and likely withdraw, isolate from me, and ultimately they'll stop dealing with me, and I will probably lose all of my relationships. Relationships, right? That's what people think. Actually, what the research shows is that when you start to use and implement firm boundaries with people, it makes them respect you more. What this tells us is that you being a people pleaser and you being the nice girl, that's really backfiring against you. It's not working for you because ultimately what you want from people is that they like you and respect you. What I've seen with my clients over the years, and I mean over probably over the decades as well is that when they start to implement these boundaries in their lives, that something really good and, and interesting happened. Their relationships actually improved because people saw them as a different person, a person with boundaries, a person that is being very deliberate about who they are and how they interact with the world. They saw them as a more respectable person and also a person that couldn't be be manipulated. That's very important, right? So this is ultimately the goal. This is what boundaries helps us do. And what it helps you do is also allow those around you to meet the real you, not just the you or the representative that you put out there. So I'm going to give you a few tips on how to respond when people are coming to you with requests of things they want you to do. Tip number 1: the delay. So someone calls and asks you, like, ring ring ring. We're gonna act like that's the phone ringing. Ring, ring, ring. Um, can you sit on this committee and help with blah blah blah? You can say a church, it could be a church committee, right? So the delay strategy, the response would be something like this. Um, I'm gonna need to check my calendar and get back with you in about a week or two. Number 2, the swap. So phone is ringing, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. They're calling you. Hey, can you me on this committee? And again, church committee, right? Or whatever you want to put there, fill in the blank. So instead of giving them a direct, firm answer right then, you say, you know what, I'm not going to be able to sit on the committee. However, I know 3 different people that would be good for the committee. I'm gonna send you their names. See what just happened there? You didn't respond, or you didn't commit to doing something yourself, but you did commit to giving them the names of some people that they can reach out to to meet their needs, right? You didn't firm down and say no. You didn't know in an indirect way. Number 3, the upgrade. Ring, ring, ring. This is the fake phone ring. Yeah, a little bit. It's an old school fake phone ring. So they're calling you again. Hey, can you do this job for us, um, for our organization? We really need your help. So the upgrade is, you know what, I'm not really able to do it. However, if were to help, it would be on a consultant basis, and my consultant's fee is $250 an hour. So you see what just happened there? You didn't firmly say no, but you said if you want X, Y, and Z, this is what it will take to get you X, Y, and Z. So the ask remains, again, not a no, no, it's saying it's a yes under these particular conditions. So 3 different tips for you to use, ways that you you can delay or say no and be more firm with your boundaries. In my self-care course, Module 3's blueprint strategy is really gonna help you with various numerous sticky situation tips and ways to address them, how to respond, how to get better with them, practice, so that overall you're going to turn into the yes girl that people don't really respect to the no girl that they damn sure respect. Because again, In the end, that's what we all want, and it's going to give you more balance.
